The Last Crusade of Relationships

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm not in any way saying that he should avoid everything that has a risk of emotional backlash. However, there are certain things that have a high probability of ending badly. It isn't fear based, it's logic based. It wouldn't be that he's afraid of anything, it would be weighing all possible outcomes and deciding which ones he could live with. That could mean choosing or denying the threesome. Whichever he decides, I think that it should be a thoughtful decision that he is confident and happy with.

Threesomes seem great on paper but it reality they are also great.

 

[AndThePickles]

I honestly want him to do it out of sheer curiosity because I'd love to know how it turns out for his relationship, but I'm trying to be nice and analyze all his options and possible outcomes for him, just in case

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

For me I couldn't do that with someone SHE knew and or perhaps someone I'd never see again - at least not frequently. It seems fine until I consider the fact that I'd NEVER be cool with another guy. This kind of opens a can of worms.

 

[Anita18]

I'm not in any way saying that he should avoid everything that has a risk of emotional backlash. However, there are certain things that have a high probability of ending badly. It isn't fear based, it's logic based. It wouldn't be that he's afraid of anything, it would be weighing all possible outcomes and deciding which ones he could live with. That could mean choosing or denying the threesome. Whichever he decides, I think that it should be a thoughtful decision that he is confident and happy with.

Haha, what's with us women and thinking ahead?

In talking about taking the next step with my bf, I think the right way for us to go about it is premarital counseling. Now that obviously has a negative stigma - I personally consider it "marriage preparation" instead of "counseling," because the word "counseling" makes it seem like something's wrong. But I honestly think that it would be helpful even if we've never had any issues before. Cause I mean, neither of us has been married before, and it isn't US that's new, but the marriage thing! And I'm sure that there will be hundreds of things we'll face in a marriage but not the arrangement we have now. So I just want to cover all of my bases.

My coworker says of all her friends, the ones who did premarital counseling are still married, whereas the ones who didn't are separated/divorced. One time it was even a matter of months, where they really shouldn't have gotten married in the first place (girl had fallen out of love with the guy and was cheating on him even before they tied the knot) but the girl went ahead because they had already spent so much on the wedding.

[BLACKOUT]I had this issue with 69, and I never understood why. The last girl I was with fine with oral sex, she did it to me, I did it to her, but when I asked about 69, she said no, I asked why, and her response was "I don't like the way I look down there". Left me confuzzled.[/BLACKOUT]

I don't particularly like the way I look down there either, but HE likes the view ([BLACKOUT]reeeeally likes it...[/BLACKOUT]) so who am I to argue? Some chicks have the weirdest neuroses...

 

[Anubis]

How are you even able to bend to see from that angle?

 

[Anita18]

How are you even able to bend to see from that angle?

Mirrors, duh. And you do have to look at it if you're trimming down there with scissors.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm not in any way saying that he should avoid everything that has a risk of emotional backlash. However, there are certain things that have a high probability of ending badly. It isn't fear based, it's logic based. It wouldn't be that he's afraid of anything, it would be weighing all possible outcomes and deciding which ones he could live with. That could mean choosing or denying the threesome. Whichever he decides, I think that it should be a thoughtful decision that he is confident and happy with.

Where do you get the data to conclude this high probability?

As far as people who have issues after a threesome, how do we know they were in a good relationship to start with? If not was it really the threesome that killed it, OR there was a completely separate underlying issue that really was what killed it?

For me I couldn't do that with someone SHE knew and or perhaps someone I'd never see again - at least not frequently. It seems fine until I consider the fact that I'd NEVER be cool with another guy. This kind of opens a can of worms.

While that is a double standard, Testosterone has very powerful effects on territoriality.

I'd just make sure that she is ok with the fact you are not going to bring in another guy at a later time to make things equal, and she has to live with that double standard.

 

[Anubis]

Mirrors, duh. And you do have to look at it if you're trimming down there with scissors.

Well, I wouldn't know, I got a hairy ass.

Seriously, it looks like a bear graveyard down there.

 

[Anita18]

Well, I wouldn't know, I got a hairy ass.

Seriously, it looks like a bear graveyard down there.

Well you could imagine, couldn't you?

 

[AndThePickles]

Where do you get the data to conclude this high probability?

As far as people who have issues after a threesome, how do we know they were in a good relationship to start with? If not was it really the threesome that killed it, OR there was a completely separate underlying issue that really was what killed it?

Haha, you got me on that one, I have not collected and charted any official data. Do you not agree at ALL that a threesome is one of those classic stereotypes for potential relationship drama, though?

Your second pondering is a good one - I'm sure that in many cases, other things killed the relationship, and the threesome was just an easy way to cause enough drama to end things. However, I think that there is still the possibility that a threesome could potentially cause issues that weren't previously there, as well. All things to be considered before deciding.

 

[Anubis]

Well you could imagine, couldn't you?

I rarely question the how and why of things.

I always assumed it involved hot wax and pain killers.

Either way, try not to plop down. Friend of mine got his nose broke like that.

 

[AndThePickles]

[BLACKOUT]I had this issue with 69, and I never understood why. The last girl I was with fine with oral sex, she did it to me, I did it to her, but when I asked about 69, she said no, I asked why, and her response was "I don't like the way I look down there". Left me confuzzled.[/BLACKOUT]

That's frickin weird, you still see her goodies during non-simultaneous oral.

 

[BrollySupersj]

That's frickin weird, you still see her goodies during non-simultaneous oral.

Maybe she was just lazy.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Haha, you got me on that one, I have not collected and charted any official data. Do you not agree at ALL that a threesome is one of those classic stereotypes for potential relationship drama, though?

Your second pondering is a good one - I'm sure that in many cases, other things killed the relationship, and the threesome was just an easy way to cause enough drama to end things. However, I think that there is still the possibility that a threesome could potentially cause issues that weren't previously there, as well. All things to be considered before deciding.

Certain situations I think preclude threesomes. I love threesomes but it depends. I think if you're in a committed relationship it really can't be done on a whim. I'd have threesomes all day with people I didn't really care about.

 

[Dark Raven]

Have you had any success in places other than online? Cause maybe that's just not the medium for you.

Not really no. But if you're going to compare online to the real world, then let's just say that at least women will make conversation in the real world whereas they don't usually respond online (unless I don't show a pic).

But as far as moving beyond friends in the real world, nothing there unfortunately.

And i've actually grown to like being single over the last few years.

Basically, you can be perfectly content being on your own. That doesn mean I wouldn't love to fall in love again and feel that wonderful feeling and get swept away by it. It doesn't mean that I don't get confused about the people in my life sometimes and wonder if there's deeper feelings there. And it doesn't mean I don't cry when I watch the Notebook


But if you spend a really long time trying really hard to find someone, and it just isn't happening... stop trying. Start 'loving yourself', and I don't mean that in a cheesy way. But just start being more of an assertive, independant and free spirited person, and find the happiness in your life that is not dependant on someone elses input.

I have stopped trying many times over the years actually and just tried to be content being single and doing my own thing. I have managed to do that without thinking of anyone or pursuing a relationship but you know how it goes - every now and then something is stirred in you and you realise how much you're missing being with someone and how much you would've loved to have company for such and such etc.

So I'm not going about desperately and I would never allow anyone to think I am desperate, because I know it drives people away. I try to be quite nonchalant about it as if it doesn't bother me and it will happen when it happens, but deep down I would like someone.

As far as initial openers goes, try to think of something light and humorous that she has not already heard 100x. Something cute can work too, the important things are:

1. Light humor
2. Don’t say anything hurtful in your humor
3. Don’t write too much

When you mention that you include more, that could be what is killing it for you. I love to type and to talk myself, and talking too much was the one issue I consciously keep a hold on when with a woman, and this also applies to e-dating.

You want the opener to be a quick snapshot, a little advertisement, something to get her looking to find out more about you.

Its best to avoid going into detail about why you are perfect for her, or anything that looks like you are overly eager to impress her, which indicates emotional investment. To most women, early emotional investment on behalf of a male is creepy. So don’t do that.

When I mean I include more, I don't mean that I really talk about myself. I mean I might ask more questions or mention in passing something we have in common. I generally don't talk about myself to anyone at all online or in the real world unless asked first. So that is not the problem.

Ok, so you sent the girl a good opener, stage two is the open ended questions, which can go back and forth several times. Then go for the number, "I’ll text you, we should meet" sort of thing.

Now where it looks like your lack of confidence is coming from is your looks. Now you are Asian, you have said and you live in the UK? Do you mean Asian as in middle east, Arab or Persian looking, OR Eastern Asian, like Japanese, Chinese, Korean, Thai etc…? Just curios.

I got to run, but in meantime google fashion advice for guys of your height, build and age group. Possibly ethnicity too, some things work better for Asians than others for example. You may find some very good ideas on things to wear. Number 1 suggestion there is to get some nice shoes, this helps more in person than online obviously.

Eastern Asian. I try always to make myself as presentable and attractive as I can, but you can only work with so much.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

While that is a double standard, Testosterone has very powerful effects on territoriality.

It's not territorial, I just don't want to see another dudes d***.

 

[Anita18]

Maybe she was just lazy.

You do build up your triceps if you're on top....

And it is a different POV depending on the position. I can't get a good trim in the very back.

And no, it doesn't matter so much to me that I whip out the hot wax and painkillers.

Eastern Asian. I try always to make myself as presentable and attractive as I can, but you can only work with so much.

WTF does that mean? I've seen lots of really attractive East Asian guys.

Even my cousin who's a serious dork of dorky Asian genes, can look very much presentable. He certainly looked nice at his wedding. Dorky, but very nice.

There's palpably less hope for his younger brother, but that's because I highly suspect that cousin has Asperger's and has no interest in sex.

 

[Dark Raven]

Neither my gf or her bff are bi. They're just playful and innocent. And they're close friends. We've all known each other long enough that it wouldn't be too weird. They most likely won't be giving each other attention in bed. The focus will probably be on me.

But my issue is indeed involving my girlfriend suddenly becoming weird at the prospect of me preferring her friend, which TOTALLY would not be the case. I'm not going to lie, both my gf and her bff are pretty goddamn attractive, and both fit my tastes 100%. I just don't want my gf suddenly becoming paranoid that I would want to leave her for the friend, because I totally would never do that.

I think the situation here is summed up like this. My girlfriend's best friend is single, she can't find a good guy, and she wants some action. She doesn't want to be a skank and date random jerks, and she already knows that I'm a good guy (which I am). So it's simply a case of my girlfriend and her "sharing" me for a night (or beyond), and everyone benefits. She's horny. We're horny. We're all close. We know each other. Why not?

And on my relationship's end of the spectrum, we've been together for 5 years. We want to spice things up. We try to add a new twist every once in a while, and now this is going one step further. We haven't hit a rut or anything, but the idea of adding a new level of excitement doesn't seem too dangerous to me or her (for now).

I'll be honest. I'd looove to bang her friend. I'm human. I can't help it. But I would never cheat on my girlfriend, and I would never do it unless my girlfriend's actually present in the room, sharing the experience with me. Sounds okay to me.

I was just thinking about this. That might not be such a good thing for your relationship if your gf doesn't get it on with her bff. Think about it: what is your gf actually getting out of this threesome? It seems as if she's just doing it to humour you and to help out her bff. Everyone except your gf is getting to bang someone extra or whom they normally wouldn't. You are getting to bang her bff. Her bff is getting to bang you because she's not had any action lately. But your gf? She just has to do her normal routine with you or watch while you get it on with her friend. Also, she is not really cheating on you, but you're technically cheating on her by being with someone else.

When she starts to think about it, she is becoming more like the third wheel and not deriving any actual pleasure out of it.

Now if she and her friend actually get it on, then that evens things out a bit. Everyone has 3 people they get to make out with, and technically, both you and your gf are "cheating" on each other at the same time (albeit in the same bed with the same 3rd person). That would IMO make things less complicated because then no-one can accuse the other of showing too much attention and possibly having an ulterior motive for sleeping with someone else. You will all have done it.

Also, if you and your gf going to go for a threesome, you might as well do it properly and not hold back.

You should tell her your concerns and present her with the above scenario I mentioned. By convincing your gf to have lesbian sex with her bff at the same time rather than the two of them just focusing on you, that would take the pressure off your relationship and any problems that could ensue between you. You would get to enjoy them getting it on, and you wouldn't feel that your gf is getting jealous of you with her bff, because she's been with her too.

WTF does that mean? I've seen lots of really attractive East Asian guys.


Even my cousin who's a serious dork of dorky Asian genes, can look very much presentable. He certainly looked nice at his wedding. Dorky, but very nice.


There's palpably less hope for his younger brother, but that's because I highly suspect that cousin has Asperger's and has no interest in sex.

I mean in my case. I'm not saying that all East Asian guys are ugly.

 

[Anita18]

I mean in my case. I'm not saying that all East Asian guys are ugly.

What's wrong with the way you look? Is there anything at all that you could do about it short of plastic surgery?

A lot of absolutely presentation as well.

 

[ComicChick]

i'm not even gonna lie, i have very low self esteem and confidence. i've never really thought of myself as pretty and i wasn't told i was as a kid. granted i don't think i'm a complete ogre either.

but i've been single for a long time and some of the females i know who are more "ogreish" than me are having their share of dates and men and whatnot and i'm not which leads me to believe that their confidence and all is what's appealing these guys and my lack off is deterring them from me :/

 

[SpideyVille]

So there was a girl that I mentioned being interested in a while ago. She's the stage manager of the play I'm in and yesterday I ran into her during lunch. We ended up talking for an hour before we both started helping out with some backstage stuff. It wasn't the best talk or anything, but it was the first time we were alone for a while so it was nice to finally have a chance to get to know her.

Tonight she came to rehearsal a little late and I didn't really speak to her at all, but when she was leaving, there was a little moment that left me a little curious. She was walking out the door and I wasn't really paying attention to her, but she passed me by and then turned back to tap me on the arm to say bye. She didn't say bye to anyone else except this one guy who said bye to her after seeing her leave after saying bye to me. I know its nothing, but I just found it a little weird that she only acknowledged me while she was leaving.

 

[terry78]

i'm not even gonna lie, i have very low self esteem and confidence. i've never really thought of myself as pretty and i wasn't told i was as a kid. granted i don't think i'm a complete ogre either.

but i've been single for a long time and some of the females i know who are more "ogreish" than me are having their share of dates and men and whatnot and i'm not which leads me to believe that their confidence and all is what's appealing these guys and my lack off is deterring them from me :/

Act the way you do on here. Guys will be knocking down the door to get dominated by the real life moderator.

 

[Anita18]

i'm not even gonna lie, i have very low self esteem and confidence. i've never really thought of myself as pretty and i wasn't told i was as a kid. granted i don't think i'm a complete ogre either.

but i've been single for a long time and some of the females i know who are more "ogreish" than me are having their share of dates and men and whatnot and i'm not which leads me to believe that their confidence and all is what's appealing these guys and my lack off is deterring them from me :/

It's fine if you don't think of yourself as all that pretty. It DOES become an issue if you start to internalize that as "nobody will love me because I'm ugly."

Which is TOTALLY NOT TRUE. Yes, your looks are the first thing that people will notice, but it does not make or break you in an actual relationship. The people who complain about their partners "letting themselves go," I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyway. Honestly, would you?

CC, you're smart and go-getter and I'm sure your low self-esteem is completely unfounded. Dark Raven, you sound extremely intelligent and although I'm not familiar with your posts outside of this thread, I'm sure your low self-esteem is completely unfounded too.

What's to be done now is to change your perspective. You haven't found someone because you're ugly. (Believe me, I was single for 6 years and only had one bf before that...I'm 28! I know I'm not ugly - although I'll admit I'm apparently a butterface although I somewhat disagree with that myself. ) You simply haven't found someone who thinks on your wavelength. You ARE worthy of someone's love and support and affection. It's just that your attitude prevents you from finding someone compatible.

You have to love yourself before you can find love outside. It's totally true. And well, two low-confidence people in a relationship is NOT pretty.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

It's not territorial, I just don't want to see another dudes d***.

Ever been in the military?

 

[enterthemadness]

V-Day a week away.

My goal of 3 mile jog/crying is a week away.