The Last Crusade of Relationships

[BrollySupersj]

ahhhh, so much better.

 

[Lily Adler]

Sometimes I feel like that's all i've ever experienced

Aw. I know how you feel. The first time I experienced unrequited love, I'm still not even sure if it was love, it made me depressed for 3 years. I know pathetic, right.

 

[CapedCrusader14]

I'm only 16 and I've never had a girlfriend so unrequited love is occasionally the only thing I've ever known.

Well I've got a way to go still.

 

[steintym]

I'm only 16 and I've never had a girlfriend so unrequited love is occasionally the only thing I've ever known.

Well I've got a way to go still.

You are way too young to get too worked up over it. You've got plenty of good times ahead most likely.

 

[CapedCrusader14]

You are way too young to get too worked up over it. You've got plenty of good times ahead most likely.

Yeah that's true. I guess I can mainly blame it on the caliber of girls at my school not that they're all bad, I have a few good friends that are girls.

 

[Anita18]

You are way too young to get too worked up over it. You've got plenty of good times ahead most likely.

Seriously.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Aw. I know how you feel. The first time I experienced unrequited love, I'm still not even sure if it was love, it made me depressed for 3 years. I know pathetic, right.

I don't wanna get on the pity pot or anything... but i've never had a guy love me and me love him back.

I've loved guys unrequitedly... especially when I was 16-19. My ex told me he loved me... but that whole relationship was a sham to cover up his homosexual feelings so it doesn't count, but boy did I love him something terrible. And I've had guys who felt very strongly about me but I never reciprocated.

I have, in my 24 years, never had anyone be in love with me, that I loved back.

And I recon the first time that happens (if it ever happens), i'm never going to let him go

 

[Anita18]

Yeah that's true. I guess I can mainly blame it on the caliber of girls at my school not that they're all bad, I have a few good friends that are girls.

No, I get it. The caliber of guys at my high school was pretty poor too.

To be fair, many (dare I say most?) guys don't get hot until they get older. The fact that most of them also get more mature is a bonus.

 

[CapedCrusader14]

Don't worry, unlike the ridiculous amount of drama kings and queens I know, a relationship doesn't define me, nor is it at the top of my concerns.

Haha . Maturity is something that is slowly settling in within my year (finally).

 

[BrollySupersj]

I don't wanna get on the pity pot or anything... but i've never had a guy love me and me love him back.

I've loved guys unrequitedly... especially when I was 16-19. My ex told me he loved me... but that whole relationship was a sham to cover up his homosexual feelings so it doesn't count, but boy did I love him something terrible. And I've had guys who felt very strongly about me but I never reciprocated.

I have, in my 24 years, never had anyone be in love with me, that I loved back.

And I recon the first time that happens (if it ever happens), i'm never going to let him go

Why are you making me sad? Even though the relationship I had with the girl I thought I'd be with forever, ended in a billion buring pieces, at least our love was real. What you're saying is madness man...no offense.

 

[Anita18]

I don't wanna get on the pity pot or anything... but i've never had a guy love me and me love him back.

I've loved guys unrequitedly... especially when I was 16-19. My ex told me he loved me... but that whole relationship was a sham to cover up his homosexual feelings so it doesn't count, but boy did I love him something terrible. And I've had guys who felt very strongly about me but I never reciprocated.

I have, in my 24 years, never had anyone be in love with me, that I loved back.

And I recon the first time that happens (if it ever happens), i'm never going to let him go

Be sure that guy is WORTHY of your love first! Otherwise you gon' get played. Like my coworker's friend, who's soon-to-be ex-wife was cheating on him BEFORE they got married! He still wants to be with her and we're all, "WTF dude, you deserve better!" She's now pregnant and doesn't know who the dad is.

My ex-bf got really lucky. He's a hopeless romantic and got taken advantage of quite a few times before meeting his wife, who's just as nice as he is. It did happen very quickly for them, so you never know.

 

[Anita18]

Why are you making me sad? Even though the relationship I had with the girl I thought I'd be with forever, ended in a billion buring pieces, at least our love was real. What you're saying is madness man...no offense.

I know women (off another forum) in their 40s who've never been in a real relationship. So...it could be a lot worse?

 

[CapedCrusader14]

I know women (off another forum) in their 40s who've never been in a real relationship. So...it could be a lot worse?

Now you're gonna make everyone feel sad.

 

[BrollySupersj]

I know women (off another forum) in their 40s who've never been in a real relationship. So...it could be a lot worse?

Not fair.

 

[Anita18]

Now you're gonna make everyone feel sad.

OTOH there was a longtime poster who'd had a definite lack of love life who suddenly found herself with a hubby and now a baby. And then there's what happened to my ex-bf too. Only one serious relationship (me), a bunch of one-sided pseudo-relationships, and then BOOM! Met his wife and the rest is history.

I think that's how it usually ends up for even us awkward nerds as long as we aren't completely neurotic.

 

[steintym]

I know women (off another forum) in their 40s who've never been in a real relationship. So...it could be a lot worse?

My sister-in-law turns 40 tomorrow and has never been in a serious relationship. She's had plenty of <ahem> "boyfriends", but nothing serious. She is a loooong story, but it is kind of sad to watch. The way she acts and goes about trying to meet someone ... I'd bet against her ever finding someone serious.

 

[CapedCrusader14]

OTOH there was a longtime poster who'd had a definite lack of love life who suddenly found herself with a hubby and now a baby. And then there's what happened to my ex-bf too. Only one serious relationship (me), a bunch of one-sided pseudo-relationships, and then BOOM! Met his wife and the rest is history.

I think that's how it usually ends up for even us awkward nerds as long as we aren't completely neurotic.

Haha yeah, it is highly likely that's what happens. I'm not sure if I'll get married or have kids (yes I know I'm young). I have my reasons though. I know my best friend wants to have two kids, a son and daughter. I want to bet and see if he names them Luke and Leia

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Why are you making me sad? Even though the relationship I had with the girl I thought I'd be with forever, ended in a billion buring pieces, at least our love was real. What you're saying is madness man...no offense.

Aww i'm sorry my depressing life is upsetting you

If it makes you feel any better, I'm incredibly loved by a lot of people. I'm a popular person and people treasure my friendship. My two best friends, my ex housemate, my best friend from uni, the girl who I grew up with like a sister, along with many many other people who love me as a friend and would be there for me in a heartbeat.

And it takes like no time at all for people to become comfortable in my company. I make great first impressions, am incredibly easy to get on with, and connect with people very quickly.

This might sound insanely arrogant, but I honestly cannot tell you WHY there's something about me that means guys don't fall in love with me. I think i'm awesome

But they just don't.

Whether it's because i'm too independant and it comes across as me not WANTING to be loved. Whether it's because i'm a bit tomboyish and immediately get friend zoned. Whether it's because i'm confident in most ways, but not always confident in my body image. Whether it's because i'm I little bit crazy, spontaneous, challenging... I dunno. It's impossible for a person to guess at their own faults and figure out which is the problem.

All I know, I feel like Lois Lane. Everything thinks i'm this mad dog, intimidating woman. But someone will come along one day who LOVES that about me, who cherishes the challenge of courting someone like me, and who sees the passion, kindness and affection at my core

I can't go out and find that though. It kind of has to find me.

Be sure that guy is WORTHY of your love first! Otherwise you gon' get played. Like my coworker's friend, who's soon-to-be ex-wife was cheating on him BEFORE they got married! He still wants to be with her and we're all, "WTF dude, you deserve better!" She's now pregnant and doesn't know who the dad is.

My ex-bf got really lucky. He's a hopeless romantic and got taken advantage of quite a few times before meeting his wife, who's just as nice as he is. It did happen very quickly for them, so you never know.

Well yeah, that's why I haven't been in love since I discovered my ex boyfriend was sleeping with blokes while he was with me...

...the only person to ever tell me he loved me, the only person that I ever felt that magical feeling of 'he loves me and I love him and we're here together', the guy who I lost my virginity too and was insanely ecstatic about, and who sometimes made me feel like I was his true love, make little comments about getting married one day, said he couldn't stop loving me if he tried blah blah blah...

I found out two weeks after we'd broken up, and I tried to get him to come and talk to me about it, but he refused... I really really did not take it all well.

The whole two years, the whole idea I had of this 'love' i'd experienced just came crashing down to reality... and every single memory is now tainted.

Like my first time. I thought it was perfect. I was 19, i'd been waiting for the right person. We were back together after breaking up for a while, and I knew he was the one. And it was absolutely wonderful. I remember going to the bathroom afterwards and looking in the mirror and my eyes were dilated... I felt like i'd taken ecstacy or something. I was just so madly in love with him, and I believed he loved me and everything was perfect.

Now try looking back on that memory when you know he had sex with one of your male friends two weeks before that, in the same bed.

The whole thing just becomes this massive lie. That night we dressed up smart and went to a work do and he said he was in awe of me because all his work mates adored me immediately and he was just so lucky to have me. The day I went to uni and he cried as I was leaving and had to be consoled by his best friend. Every single time he told me he loved me, held me in his arms... sometimes he'd just randomly grab me as I walked past, press me against a wall and kiss me hard, and say he just HAD to kiss me right there and then...

It would have been a great first love.

Now it's just a joke

Anyway, needless to say, I shut my heart off after that, and no one's been able to get back in since.

 

[AndThePickles]

This thread is more depressing than usual tonight be happy people!

 

[BrollySupersj]

This thread is more depressing than usual tonight be happy people!

Sex and love for everyone!



[BLACKOUT]My treat![/BLACKOUT]

 

[Anita18]

This might sound insanely arrogant, but I honestly cannot tell you WHY there's something about me that means guys don't fall in love with me.

But they just don't.

Whether it's because i'm too independant and it comes across as me not WANTING to be loved. Whether it's because i'm a bit tomboyish and immediately get friend zoned. Whether it's because i'm confident in most ways, but not always confident in my body image. Whether it's because i'm I little bit crazy, spontaneous, challenging... I dunno. It's impossible for a person to guess at their own faults and figure out which is the problem.

All I know, I feel like Lois Lane. Everything thinks i'm this mad dog, intimidating woman. But someone will come along one day who LOVES that about me, who cherishes the challenge of courting someone like me, and who sees the passion, kindness and affection at my core

I can't go out and find that though. It kind of has to find me.

Sure you can go out and find that. As you said, there's nothing "wrong" with you, really. You really do have to be completely neurotic and off your rocker to not even be in a serious relationship when you're 40! (And even then...my bf's mom is neurotic and a little off her rocker and she's been married for at least 10 years now. She managed to find someone who can stand her crap. It wasn't my bf's dad, but hey, she didn't give up. )

It's not about figuring out what your faults are and fixing them so people will like you romantically. It's not about you being "a challenge" to court. I've been saying this over and over. Being in a relationship isn't about that AT ALL.

You and I of the relationship-inexperienced, there's nothing wrong with us. We're just weird. So it will take some work to find someone compatible with our weirdness.

The mission is simply to FIND that special someone who loves you for you (for whom courting you will be natural and not such a huge challenge), and to not give up and settle until you do. There's nothing you need to do for that, you just have to keep searching. Your guy will be out there.

And please hopefulsuicide, get a hold of yourself before you go all Jinouga on us.

 

[Dark Raven]

Then they are just crazy.

But I have a friend like this. She gets attention from guys ALL THE TIME (certainly way more than I ever did), but it's never from guys she wants, so she considers them creepy. And then when she actually does like someone, she completely takes it waaay too seriously and interprets normal dating behavior (as in, not exclusive, just dating) as jerkish. Then she "breaks up" with them and bemoans the lack of good men. Or as far as I can see, the lack of good men that she actually likes back.


Wait...are you talking about girls who are actually on dates with you?

That by itself shouldn't shoot down your confidence. If anything, you need to learn not to ask out crazy women who live in their own little world.

No, not girls actually on dates with me. If they were blanking me in the first place, they wouldn't even get to that stage. These are just girls I may try to talk to who might interpret even that as making advances towards them, even if I'm just talking to make polite conversation and not even attracted to them.

To give an example, say I'm at a party with a male friend, and we both happen to be introduced at the same time to a girl. Now suppose my friend mentions he plays the guitar, then the girl might say "oh that's interesting" and ask him about it, all the while not even acknowledging I'm there. Not wishing to just be standing idly by, I might try to join in the conversation and say that I play the guitar too. However, the girl might then give me a "yeah, whatever" look and continue to ignore me, not even responding to a word I say and even positioning her body as if to shut me out with her back. If I were to persist, she might then say something like "hey, you're really trying to promote yourself here aren't you?" which I'm not. I'm just trying to join in unless she would prefer I just disappeared. This kind of thing has happened before exactly.

Now while it could be that she's just attracted to the other guy, that's no reason not to be polite to everyone you've just met. It's not like she can't just make conversation with both of us and has to immediatley have an exclusive audience with my friend. If you're introduced to two people at the same time, it's polite to talk to both and not immediately shut the other one out with your body language etc. Just general social etiquette.

In fairness, I won't go for a coffee with someone unless I see the possibility for a relationship.


I've said no to a fair few guys, some of which were just old guys hitting on me because i'm the barmaid, and they are always like 'Oh I didn't mean it like a date, just thought it'd be nice to hang out and have a conversation cause your a really fun interesting person'...


Well newsflash... that IS a date. It means you are interested in me, and if the date went well, you'd want another date. You can pretend you mean it completely platonically all you want... but you don't.


It's not a marriage proposal... but it is a declaration that you're interested in the person. And if i'm not interested back, I won't go for coffee. Simple as.

I don't think it necessarily means the guy is interested in you. If I ask a girl to coffee, it won't necessarily mean I'm interested romantically and that I'm hoping for a relationship. All it can mean, if you want to use the word "interest" here is precisely what some of your guy friends have said, that they'd like to have a conversation because they think you're interesting enough to talk to. In other words, it's not necessarily an expression or declaration of interest romantically, but a certain level of intrigue on a more casual level. It's like the difference between if you're flicking channels on the TV and stop to watch something because it suddenly holds your interest and you want to see what happens, and the type of interest you might have if it is a particular passion of yours, eg like watching a Spider-Man movie for example where you specifically want to see it.

So reading too much into an invitation to coffee even as a declaration of interest is where the problem comes, and what many guys I know (not just myself) find it very frustrating with females.

Just imagine if one of your female friends said to you "hey, you wanna get some coffee and hang out?" Now you wouldn't read anything into that. It's just a chance to get together and chat. Now if you suddenly substitute the friend for a man it suddenly becomes a date? That is not always so. Sometimes it is exactly the same as if your female friend asked you. It just happens that in this case the other person is a guy. There is no romantic interest, so reading it as such is exactly like what Anita was talking about earlier about low confidence women who take any attention they get as meaning far more than it is.

Sometimes you just want to hang out with a female friend instead of a male one, because it gets boring otherwise. Men and women converse differently from each other. Sometimes as men we just want a change, that's all. Variety is the spice of life.

Now I'm not saying that it couldn't ever be a declaration of interest, but it shouldn't ALWAYS be taken as one either.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sure you can go out and find that. As you said, there's nothing "wrong" with you, really. You really do have to be completely neurotic and off your rocker to not even be in a serious relationship when you're 40! (And even then...my bf's mom is neurotic and a little off her rocker and she's been married for at least 10 years now. She managed to find someone who can stand her crap. It wasn't my bf's dad, but hey, she didn't give up. )

It's not about figuring out what your faults are and fixing them so people will like you romantically. It's not about you being "a challenge" to court. I've been saying this over and over. Being in a relationship isn't about that AT ALL.

You and I of the relationship-inexperienced, there's nothing wrong with us. We're just weird. So it will take some work to find someone compatible with our weirdness.

The mission is simply to FIND that special someone who loves you for you (for whom courting you will be natural and not such a huge challenge), and to not give up and settle until you do. There's nothing you need to do for that, you just have to keep searching. Your guy will be out there.

And please hopefulsuicide, get a hold of yourself before you go all Jinouga on us.

Okay, pulling myself together, hate being self pitying

Don't get me wrong tho... i'm not looking at my faults because I think i'd wanna change anything about myself.

I NEVER will change. I want someone to fall in love with ME, not a version of me I think they might like. I honestly don't know how to be anything but myself anyway.

And by not being able to find it by looking for it, I just mean that the Lois Lane/Clark Kent notion isn't something you find through online dating or picking someone up at a bar.

It's someone who comes into your life, and just falls for you just by being around you. Not because there was any intention of a relationship there when you first meet, but because they simply love being around you.

I really want that, and I think dating, especially online dating, sort of takes that out of the equation.

And yes, that might be me being silly, having this idealised version of how i'd like to find love. But I honestly don't mind being single, and i'd rather be single than find love in a way that doesn't excite me, doesn't feel right to me somehow.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

You really do have to be completely neurotic and off your rocker to not even be in a serious relationship when you're 40!

I'm way closer to that than I wanna be.

28 without ever having a serious relationship

 

[Anita18]

No, not girls actually on dates with me. If they were blanking me in the first place, they wouldn't even get to that stage. These are just girls I may try to talk to who might interpret even that as making advances towards them, even if I'm just talking to make polite conversation and not even attracted to them.

To give an example, say I'm at a party with a male friend, and we both happen to be introduced at the same time to a girl. Now suppose my friend mentions he plays the guitar, then the girl might say "oh that's interesting" and ask him about it, all the while not even acknowledging I'm there. Not wishing to just be standing idly by, I might try to join in the conversation and say that I play the guitar too. However, the girl might then give me a "yeah, whatever" look and continue to ignore me, not even responding to a word I say and even positioning her body as if to shut me out with her back. If I were to persist, she might then say something like "hey, you're really trying to promote yourself here aren't you?" which I'm not. I'm just trying to join in unless she would prefer I just disappeared. This kind of thing has happened before exactly.

Now while it could be that she's just attracted to the other guy, that's no reason not to be polite to everyone you've just met. It's not like she can't just make conversation with both of us and has to immediatley have an exclusive audience with my friend. If you're introduced to two people at the same time, it's polite to talk to both and not immediately shut the other one out with your body language etc. Just general social etiquette.

Yeah unfortunately that's trying too hard...People generally find that sort of interruption to be rude and awkward.

It's fine to just listen if you want. Or leave if you aren't being included. Nobody has an obligation to pay attention to you unless they're paying to see you. And even then, do you know how many cell phones go off during a talk?

Don't worry, though! A lot of my friends (including myself) are very shy and unsure of themselves about the networking thing as well, but we manage to come off pretty well for the most part. The trick is to find a conversation where you want to participate because of the topic, rather than jumping in because you feel left out. People can smell that neediness from a mile away, and as you found out, they don't respond to it very positively.