The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Optimus_Prime_]

lol I guess so

Well for what it's worth, someone earlier said my girlfriend is so anti-physical she doesn't even hold hands - she's not that bad. I mean, I think it's bad, but it's not quite that bad. I don't think it's anything malicious on her part, I think Anita pretty much has it hit on the head - she is so young and inexperienced in relationships, that instead of being excited to be in a relationship, I think she's overwhelmed, doesn't know how to be in a relationship, and as such, is scared. Anita also mentioned something that I agree with - she seems to have this mindset that sexuality is somehow a degradation to the woman, that me having sexual feelings for her is degrading to her, instead of looking at sexuality and physicality as something to be enjoyed between 2 people that are together.

What makes it difficult to try to judge is the fact that she won't really talk about the "why". She says she doesn't know why she's like that, that she has always been like that, but she never realized just how bad it was until she started dating. So she puts up walls whenever I try to get closer to her, and I haven't reached ultimatum status yet, but I've told her that her and I can't develop a strong relationship if she continues to put up walls.

This is quite the ongoing saga it seems. So, yeah, taking everything so far at your word, I'm inclined to believe she's as adverse to physical contact as you claim. I'm sure I know a lot of people like her. You're both 'inexperienced', correct? Therein may lie part of the problem.

As much as I'm thinking she'll probably not change dramatically any time soon, I'm also thinking that 'experienced' guys probably would've already gotten her to drop her pants -- or left. See, part of experience is that it gives you leverage. If you are a virgin, or just feel sexually inadaquate, often times you act as though you are stripped of options. You've definitely put all your eggs in one basket. So essentially the ball is in her court. She doesn't have to give up anything to you until she's ready. No urgency. You're not going anywhere.

 

[Anita18]

Well for what it's worth, someone earlier said my girlfriend is so anti-physical she doesn't even hold hands - she's not that bad. I mean, I think it's bad, but it's not quite that bad. I don't think it's anything malicious on her part, I think Anita pretty much has it hit on the head - she is so young and inexperienced in relationships, that instead of being excited to be in a relationship, I think she's overwhelmed, doesn't know how to be in a relationship, and as such, is scared. Anita also mentioned something that I agree with - she seems to have this mindset that sexuality is somehow a degradation to the woman, that me having sexual feelings for her is degrading to her, instead of looking at sexuality and physicality as something to be enjoyed between 2 people that are together.

What makes it difficult to try to judge is the fact that she won't really talk about the "why". She says she doesn't know why she's like that, that she has always been like that, but she never realized just how bad it was until she started dating. So she puts up walls whenever I try to get closer to her, and I haven't reached ultimatum status yet, but I've told her that her and I can't develop a strong relationship if she continues to put up walls.

Yeah unfortunately, she has to decide when she has to change. Forcing her into being more physical will only make her push back more. She has to decide when she's ready, and hopefully you'll have a strong relationship behind it to convince her to want to change for you.

Like, I hadn't really done much in my first relationship, but my fiance made me feel so comfortable and trusting that I was like, "Hmm, this isn't so bad at all" every time we tried a new thing. I felt like he stil respected me as a person, and would listen to my input.

And like Optimus has pointed out, he was not a virgin and not afraid of just putting his hand somewhere, instead of asking me if it was okay to do it. Well, plus he's kind of awkward too.

This isn't a relationship problem per say....as I'm not, in one. But a friend of mine, and her boyfriend broke up, yet they're still on good terms, and talk. Today she told me they decided to be webcam **** buddies. They use to be together in person, but then she moved down to where I live, with her family.

And...I just got so angry and infuriated when she told me they would be still get all sexual over the webcam. I'm jealous not because of their relationship, but jealous towards how they are after it.

I've only had one major relationship. It lasted two years. Best damn two years of my life. Then when the break up happened it was....just a colossal mess. I don't wanna go into the nitty gritty, but it was bad, and I was made the bad guy in it all. I got no closure, and was demonized. That break up keeps me bitter even to this day.

That's why I'm jealous of my friend. Because her break up wasn't/isn't a total and complete cluster **** of gargantuan proportions. I wish me and my ex could of split with ease. But she was determined to make it rough with me.

Spoiler

I need to go buy a Gundam action figure. That always cheers me up.

I dunno, it could be rough with your friend, eventually. I thought my coworker and his fiancee broke up on really good terms, still talked every day...but he's still in love with her and she started dating someone else. But she still thinks they're friendly and keeps on talking with him even though it kills him to do so. And he doesn't have the heart to just cut her off.

Never assume what things are REALLY like behind the curtain. It could look really good on the surface but messed up underneath.

4.) Too open. My mom has told me things that I never wanted to hear.

As an example, my mom once had a conversation with me to try to convince me that her breasts were better than Halle Berry's. I was like mom, this is a topic I can't agree with you on for MANY different reasons.

That's actually the tame stuff.

I actually had a conversation with my cousin about guns as portrayed in movies. He claimed that guns were the most manly thing ever, in movies. I said that power drills were very masculine, and he pointed out that guns have "ejaculate."

I was like, "I don't think I'm supposed to be having this conversation with you."

Wow, a lot of sex starvation going on here!

I'm gonna answer my own questions:

1) I think a C cup is ideal. Anything much bigger might look great in a bra, but it's gonna sag a lot. I'm a good C cup and I love my boobies . But I know so many guys who prefer petit women and prefer small breasts.

And thank God for 'em! My fiance is an ass man.

I have no boobs. (I'm a really small B, but that's cause they're wide across. I have the flatness of an A.) Most of the time that's fine with me, cause my ribs show, above and below them, and having big funbags would just look really stupid on my frame. Plus I don't have to think about them at all. Unlike my well-endowed friends whose boobs get in the way. One of them has to wear a bra ALL THE TIME, even when she sleeps, because it hurts to go without.

A bad side-effect though, is that I find cleavage as interesting to look at as straight guys. They look so squishy!

The truth shall set you free!

You know I've become obsessed with pros and cons lists at the moment, so I've done a pros and cons of my personality. It makes a lot of things clear about what it is that puts people off, and what I should focus on more to attract people.

Pros and cons of your personality doesn't really do you much good, cause when you find someone, they're gonna have individual tastes and what you thought was a weakness could actually be a strength.

Like, 90% of guys run away when they find out how bad my stutter can get. But my guy didn't mind at all. He probably likes it because it forces me to speak slowly. He hates the chatty, yakky type girls.

But pros and cons of your personality in relation to what kind of guys you attract/are attracted to, and how that relates to what kind of relationship you want, could help. I mean in gauging your expectations for a relationship. But never say never, people go against the grain all the time!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

A bad side-effect though, is that I find cleavage as interesting to look at as straight guys. They look so squishy!

Totally agreed. I look at breasts all the time, especially if they are nice ones.

Pros and cons of your personality doesn't really do you much good, cause when you find someone, they're gonna have individual tastes and what you thought was a weakness could actually be a strength.

Like, 90% of guys run away when they find out how bad my stutter can get. But my guy didn't mind at all. He probably likes it because it forces me to speak slowly. He hates the chatty, yakky type girls.

But pros and cons of your personality in relation to what kind of guys you attract/are attracted to, and how that relates to what kind of relationship you want, could help. I mean in gauging your expectations for a relationship. But never say never, people go against the grain all the time!

I was more thinking of stuff like 'drinks way to much' 'laziness' and 'untidyness'... and anyone who sees 'messy, lazy girl, who drinks too much' as wildly attractive traits, is not really the man i'm looking for

 

[Anita18]

Totally agreed. I look at breasts all the time, especially if they are nice ones.

I was more thinking of stuff like 'drinks way to much' 'laziness' and 'untidyness'... and anyone who sees 'messy, lazy girl, who drinks too much' as wildly attractive traits, is not really the man i'm looking for

But you already have cleavage! My excuse is that mine will never look like that, so I find cleavage fascinating! Not sure what yours is.

Yeah, I think that's pretty fair. But again, it depends what kind of lazy you are. I'm incredibly lazy, but I'm willing to put in a lot of work if I feel I'm making something totally awesome. So it's not so much "lazy" as it is "efficient with my effort."

But yeah, "drinks too much" is a quantifiable trait, especially if you get trashed like, 4x a week or somesort.

 

[Erzengel]

I was more thinking of stuff like 'drinks way to much' 'laziness' and 'untidyness'... and anyone who sees 'messy, lazy girl, who drinks too much' as wildly attractive traits, is not really the man i'm looking for

Well, a lot of that stuff, you might not think is attractive in a few years. If you have a place you own as opposed to something you are renting, wouldn't you take pride and keep it tidy?

As oppose to being lazy, do you want to be working at a pub all your life? I mean a better job may curb some of that laziness.

Lastly, don't think that many people would want to be a 40 year old who drinks to much.

I mean you're in your early to mid 20s now and a lot of that stuff can be overlooked, but wait a couple of years and yeah, some of it can curb themselves on their own.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Hmmm...

When I was 14, I got my first real boyfriend. Had a crush on him for ages, and we were cuddled up on the sofa one night when he leaned in for my first real kiss. I really liked the guy, and everything was so exciting.

But the first time we did anything sexual (just hands), I went home feeling horrible. Dirty. Wrong.

I will never be able to explain why. My mum's always been open about sex, and I'm not religious, so it didn't come from anywhere. And all my friends where starting to have sex and stuff, so it's not like anyone would judge me.

You know how you get over something like that though?

You just push on through. As you grow up, you become more comfortable with your sexuality and less 'shamed'.

I don't know how old this girl is, but I'm assuming she's much older than 14. So she must be pretty inexperienced to have not gotten 'over that bump' so to speak.

Trouble is, unlike me, she is religious. So while I thought my feelings were illogical, she thinks they are 'right' perhaps.

If she doesn't WANT to feel less uptight about physical acts, then she won't.

My girlfriend isn't religious, so it's not that.

But what you described is what she talks about. Only instead of her first sexual experience, it was making out. She says she didn't feel like herself after the first time she made out.

She's 21, and she is pretty inexperienced. I am only her 2nd boyfriend, and while she's only my first legitimate girlfriend, and I'm still a virgin, I have had more experience in the physicality department. I've fooled around with 2 different girls, and I've made out with I don't know how many different girls. Plus, even with her being my first girlfriend, I still think there's a natural wisdom that comes from being 28 versus 21. Whereas she's 21, but doesn't have even the experience with guys that I have with girls, and my experience is hardly anything.

It's funny, a friend of mine was dating this guy for a bit who had no experience with girls what so ever. And that was a turnoff for her, stating she couldn't be with a guy who had less experience than her. I never knew why that was an issue, and never understood why girls would get turned off at my lack of experience. But now, I can see a reason why. I'm with someone less experienced than me, and considering my experiences are nearly zip, it's a weird feeling.

 

[Erzengel]

It's funny, a friend of mine was dating this guy for a bit who had no experience with girls what so ever. And that was a turnoff for her, stating she couldn't be with a guy who had less experience than her. I never knew why that was an issue, and never understood why girls would get turned off at my lack of experience. But now, I can see a reason why. I'm with someone less experienced than me, and considering my experiences are nearly zip, it's a weird feeling.

Yeah she wanted to enjoy sex and didn't want to put the time into training someone and bringing him up to speed. I mean, girls like sex too so it doesn't stand to reason why a girl might be turned off.

I mean, I know some guys sex is sex. But I don't think I'd want to carry on a long standing relationship with a girl who just laid their the whole time and crossed her arms covering her chest.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah she wanted to enjoy sex and didn't want to put the time into training someone and bringing him up to speed. I mean, girls like sex too so it doesn't stand to reason why a girl might be turned off.

I mean, I know some guys sex is sex. But I don't think I'd want to carry on a long standing relationship with a girl who just laid their the whole time and crossed her arms covering her chest.

Ditto. I've been pretty lucky in that none of mine have been atrocious, but there have been those I find I'm just not feeling. Maybe my *ahem* - equipment - helps, but I can't say I find sex that challenging. Working out also may have something to do with it. Yet, sex is sex, but there are still girls who just don't do it for me. So inexperience can definitely be a negative.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

And like Optimus has pointed out, he was not a virgin and not afraid of just putting his hand somewhere, instead of asking me if it was okay to do it. Well, plus he's kind of awkward too.

Does you're fiancee' know we've been doing these things with my hands? Because I thought we were keeping it on the QT.

 

[Anita18]

Does you're fiancee' know we've been doing these things with my hands? Because I thought we were keeping it on the QT.

Issue with pronouns.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

But you already have cleavage! My excuse is that mine will never look like that, so I find cleavage fascinating! Not sure what yours is. .

In fairness, I stare at my own sometimes too...

Yeah, I think that's pretty fair. But again, it depends what kind of lazy you are. I'm incredibly lazy, but I'm willing to put in a lot of work if I feel I'm making something totally awesome. So it's not so much "lazy" as it is "efficient with my effort."

But yeah, "drinks too much" is a quantifiable trait, especially if you get trashed like, 4x a week or somesort.

I'm lazy about things like doing the washing up, walking places rather than getting taxi's etc, but no i'm not lazy as in having no drive. I'm an incredibly ambitious person and will give something I care about my all no doubt.

I don't drink 4x a week, 3 at the very most. It's not really about the frequency of it, it's more just that when I do go out drinking with friends, I always drink way too much and wake up very ill and feeling like a complete idiot, even though they are telling me I was just funny.

But I just think 'wow yeah, that couldn't have looked very attractive'.

Well, a lot of that stuff, you might not think is attractive in a few years. If you have a place you own as opposed to something you are renting, wouldn't you take pride and keep it tidy?

I think you missed my point... i'm saying I think those are my unattractive traits NOW. Not just in a few years. Those three things are points from my cons list that I consider need to be changed pronto.

As for taking pride in a place that was my own... honestly I don't know. The problem is, i'm tired pretty much all the time. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I work two jobs as well as going out a couple of times a week and drinking. It makes things like washing up and tidying my room seem the lowest priority for my effort.

If I just had the one better paid job and went out less, i'd probably have more energy for taking pride in how my room looked.

As oppose to being lazy, do you want to be working at a pub all your life? I mean a better job may curb some of that laziness.

I don't just work at a pub. I work in advertisement sales for a newspaper. And did you miss the part when i'm moving to the city in july to get a better job, because I don't want my waste my degree in journalism.

That's my dream i'm trying to achieve. And it'll be incredibly hard work.

But no I don't think chasing that dream is going to make me feel any less lazy about doing the washing up

Lastly, don't think that many people would want to be a 40 year old who drinks to much.

I mean you're in your early to mid 20s now and a lot of that stuff can be overlooked, but wait a couple of years and yeah, some of it can curb themselves on their own.

Well yeah... but i'm talking about now.

My girlfriend isn't religious, so it's not that.

But what you described is what she talks about. Only instead of her first sexual experience, it was making out. She says she didn't feel like herself after the first time she made out.

She's 21, and she is pretty inexperienced. I am only her 2nd boyfriend, and while she's only my first legitimate girlfriend, and I'm still a virgin, I have had more experience in the physicality department. I've fooled around with 2 different girls, and I've made out with I don't know how many different girls. Plus, even with her being my first girlfriend, I still think there's a natural wisdom that comes from being 28 versus 21. Whereas she's 21, but doesn't have even the experience with guys that I have with girls, and my experience is hardly anything.

It's funny, a friend of mine was dating this guy for a bit who had no experience with girls what so ever. And that was a turnoff for her, stating she couldn't be with a guy who had less experience than her. I never knew why that was an issue, and never understood why girls would get turned off at my lack of experience. But now, I can see a reason why. I'm with someone less experienced than me, and considering my experiences are nearly zip, it's a weird feeling.

Oh, I dunno where I got that she was religious, sorry!

But yeah, it does sound similar.

I forget sometimes what I used to be like about intimacy.

I had my first kiss at 15 (unless you count a kinda lame one at a game of spin the bottle), and it was pretty damn awful Saliva running down my chin And I still carried on going out with that guy for a while, never really enjoying kissing him cause it was always gross. But he seemed to like it, so I did anyway (as well as the stuff I mentioned earlier). Always felt wrong though. In the end I dumped him cause I couldn't even look at him without being grossed out.

I spent the next 3 years pining over a guy who eventually tried to use me for sex. He knew about my feelings for him, but we'd become really close friends... like we were spending every day together, and sometimes just falling asleep cuddling. Basically he came onto me one night, and the chemistry was through the roof... I was tingling all over. Nothing about that felt wrong I thought it was my dream come true... but I sort of realised just before we actually DID it, that he didn't love me and was just using me... and I really wanted to have my first time be love. So I stopped it, he said maybe I should sleep in the other room and shut the door in my face, and I never really forgave him for that. (*side not* I eventually did sleep with the guy a few years later, and it was massively dissapointing ).

That's when I met my ex. The guy who had waaaay more sexual experience than me, but who said he was perfectly happy to wait. The guy who, even when I said I wanted too, made me wait because he wanted to be sure that he was the right one for me.

Sounds perfect right? I thought so. I was so absolutely sure he was the one.

I don't regret it one bit though. I mean, it was a perfect moment in the moment, where I felt I had lost it in a loving relationship. Knowing about the men he was sleeping with around the time and for a while after, who were my friends as well, and who he did it with in the same bed, sometimes when he'd seen me that very night... well it cheapens it... yeah... okay... it's totally not good...

But if not him, I might have been you're 21 year old girlfriend with no sexual experience, afraid of intimacy and grossed out by sexual encounters.

As it is, i've had plenty of experience now, and am completely comfortable with my sexuality.

Okay, and after saying all that, I have to ask: Do you love this girl?

Cause if not, and if she was anything like me, maybe she's right to be holding out on you. She should wait for someone who's the one.

I might be regressing...

I just miss that innocence in a way, and I wish I hadn't been tricked into loosing the one thing that was most important to me in the world back then.

Sorry, that turned into a bit more of a rant than it was supposed too...

 

[Anita18]

As for taking pride in a place that was my own... honestly I don't know. The problem is, i'm tired pretty much all the time. I have Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and I work two jobs as well as going out a couple of times a week and drinking. It makes things like washing up and tidying my room seem the lowest priority for my effort.

If I just had the one better paid job and went out less, i'd probably have more energy for taking pride in how my room looked.

Dude, if you consider that kind of schedule normal for someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I don't even want to know what I have!

Your schedule sounds pretty packed to me! Just acknowledge you really don't care about how your place looks and be done with it. That's what I do.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Dude, if you consider that kind of schedule normal for someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, I don't even want to know what I have!

Your schedule sounds pretty packed to me! Just acknowledge you really don't care about how your place looks and be done with it. That's what I do.

No I definitely do NOT think that's a normal schedule for someone with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome...

But I sit alone in an office at the moment... Sometimes, I get a pillow and just lie down out the back room. If someone comes in, I'll jump up and come back out the front

And in terms of going out, my friends know me pretty well by now. I never go out in another town even if someone offers me a lift back, cause I need to know that when I get to tired, I can just go without having to wait for anyone. And if the party is at mine, I just let them carry on when I go to sleep (in my one room bedsit). I sleep through anything!

But yeah, if I didn't try and jam pack quite so much into my life, when to be honest i'm really straining my body by doing so, then i'd be a lot more organised, tidy, and sharp.

It's all stuff I wanna try and achieve with this move

 

[Erzengel]

I wanna believe that Nell hasn't used the word love yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he already did.

 

[WillardNation]

No! We just got over the trauma of the last few pages, don't drag us back into the darkness!

Think Becky, think... There must be something we can talk about!

Okay, let's try a few questions...

Is more than a handful too much?
Which way does yours (or your boyfriend's) bend?
Do you have any weird fetishes/fantasies?
Are your parents open/easy to talk to about sex, or are they a bit sensitive on the topic?

There, that shud start us off!

1) I care more about firmness than size. But like you pointed out, the larger they get, the more they sag. So yeah, I prefer them to be a bit smaller. If they're going to be big, I'd like them to be fake. t:

2) There's a very slight curve up I guess.

3) Not weird. The louder they are, the more I like it.

4) Absolutely not. The word 'sex' has never been mentioned between my parents and I in reference to ourselves and it probably never will be. As far as they're concerned, I'm still an innocent child.

That actually reminds of a conversation I was having with my two sisters. One sister lives in the same town as me and we were talking to our other sister who lives somewhere else on the phone.

My sister on the phone (Sam) asked why I don't just live with our sister (Steph) in her apartment.
I replied, "That would never happen. For one, she has kids and for two, we would kill each other after a week."
Steph chimed in with, "Yeah, I wouldn't want him to live in with me. With him bringing home strange women late at night and stuff."
To which Sam replied, "What? You bring home women?"
I was like, " Uh, yeah. I'm a 27 year old single man."
And she said, "Well you're still 12 to me! You'll always be an innocent child when I look at you."

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I wanna believe that Nell hasn't used the word love yet but I wouldn't be surprised if he already did.

I haven't yet, no.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I haven't yet, no.

Doesn't answer my question though does it?

Do you love her?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Doesn't answer my question though does it?

Do you love her?

Short answer - "No", with a "but"...

If I had to look deep in myself to give a truly honest answer to that, it'd probably be that no, I'm not in love with her, for reasons that by her putting up her walls the way she does keeps me from getting close to her the way I want to be.

That if we were to get past these walls, and truly allow ourselves to get close to each other, that yes I would fall in love with her.

You've asked me before why I stick around, and ultimately, I believe that's why, that if this is something that her and I can ever work through, that I would be in a truly happy relationship that would offer me everything I wanted out of a relationship.

 

[Erzengel]

Do you have a soft/hard deadline or are you waiting for your relationship to plateau before you make any decision?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I'm just playing it as I feel it. As of now, I don't feel that ending the relationship is the course of action that I want to take, but I acknowledge that may be the eventual outcome. I'm not yet convinced this is unfixable.

So no, I don't have a hard or soft deadline.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well do you think she is willing to loose her virginity to a guy who doesn't love her yet, but probably will fall in love with her afterwards?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Short answer - "No", with a "but"...

If I had to look deep in myself to give a truly honest answer to that, it'd probably be that no, I'm not in love with her, for reasons that by her putting up her walls the way she does keeps me from getting close to her the way I want to be.

That if we were to get past these walls, and truly allow ourselves to get close to each other, than yes I would fall in love with her.

You've asked me before why I stick around, and ultimately, I believe that's why, that if this is something that her and I can ever work through, that I would be in a truly happy relationship that would offer me everything I wanted out of a relationship.

No offense, but 1) that's kind of subtly insulting to her (I love you but I can't stand you personally) and 2) you don't know that.

You just described pretty much what you've always done, except this time the term relationship is loosely tacted on making it seem more real. This is the problem all 'friend zoned' people have: they like the idea of someone, not the reality of someone. There are plenty of Christians and others of "high moral character" out there who would love her just as much with her physical phobia as without. If your love is dependent on a change in her personally then you don't love her, you're tolerating her hoping for something different.

 

[Anita18]

No offense, but 1) that's kind of subtly insulting to her (I love you but I can't stand you personally) and 2) you don't know that.

You just described pretty much what you've always done, except this time the term relationship is loosely tacted on making it seem more real. This is the problem all 'friend zoned' people have: they like the idea of someone, not the reality of someone. There are plenty of Christians and others of "high moral character" out there who would love her just as much with her physical phobia as without. If your love is dependent on a change in her personally then you don't love her, you're tolerating her hoping for something different.

Totally agree.

There are things about my bf that annoy me, yes. But I accept that about him, and I don't use the status of our relationship as leverage. Although if something REALLY bothers me, I let him know and hopefully he's open-minded enough to change his behavior. Relationships are all about compromise, and respect. But it usually doesn't involve compromising something as serious as one's values, and using the status of a relationship as leverage is not respect.

There is a fine line though, between being just a good friend and being a couple who's not physically intimate. But being physically intimate doesn't have to involve sex. It's a rare "just friends" relationship where the two people cuddle intimately, for one. Nothing really sexual about that.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

No offense, but 1) that's kind of subtly insulting to her (I love you but I can't stand you personally) and 2) you don't know that.

You just described pretty much what you've always done, except this time the term relationship is loosely tacted on making it seem more real. This is the problem all 'friend zoned' people have: they like the idea of someone, not the reality of someone. There are plenty of Christians and others of "high moral character" out there who would love her just as much with her physical phobia as without. If your love is dependent on a change in her personally then you don't love her, you're tolerating her hoping for something different.

I like her personality just fine, and me "falling in love" isn't dependent on sex, but how can you fall in love with someone that won't really let you in and keeps you at a distance?

That's what I'm talking about.

Her personality is fine. Saying that I can't stand her personally is a completely inaccurate statement - it's because I truly like her personality and what I feel she can offer me that I want to work through these struggles that we're currently going through.

I knew by answering hopeful's question, my answer was going to be misinterpreted and my situation was going to be judged on here, and honestly, that's why I avoided answering it the first time. This really is a matter of I can't accurately put into words how I feel about her (in regards to the "love" question), because the only way I know how to word it gets interpreted the way it did, and that's not accurate to how I feel about the situation.

 

[Anita18]

I like her personality just fine, and me "falling in love" isn't dependent on sex, but how can you fall in love with someone that won't really let you in and keeps you at a distance?

That's what I'm talking about.

Her personality is fine. Saying that I can't stand her personally is a completely inaccurate statement - it's because I truly like her personality and what I feel she can offer me that I want to work through these struggles that we're currently going through.

I knew by answering hopeful's question, my answer was going to be misinterpreted and my situation was going to be judged on here, and honestly, that's why I avoided answering it the first time. This really is a matter of I can't accurately put into words how I feel about her (in regards to the "love" question), because the only way I know how to word it gets interpreted the way it did, and that's not accurate to how I feel about the situation.

I don't know, there are definitely ways to interpret a situation.

First off, obviously you stay in a relationship not just for what she can give you, but the happiness you feel when you can give her something as well.

And what do you mean by keeping you at a distance? I thought things are hunky-dory in terms of getting along personality-wise. That's really the most important thing - you have to accept her as she is, personally, before you decide if the lack of intimacy is going to be an important factor.

Bumping uglies isn't hard. Ask Anubis. What's hard is getting so close to someone, that you can ask them uncomfortable questions about themselves and dig in deep, and they don't hate you for it and even give you honest answers. That has nothing to do with sex.

On one hand, you really want to be more physical and the lack of intimacy is going to be a sticking point even if you care about her, but on the other hand, how much do you really want to be with her (and how special is she to you really) if you're willing to leave if she's unable, for whatever reason, to give you some? It's a legitimate question, and there are no right or wrong ways to go about it. Acknowledging that you have physical needs and saying "no thanks" to an otherwise good relationship is something you could do, but if you do that, you also have to acknowledge that what you had non-physically wasn't really as special to you as you think it is...

Which doesn't have to be wrong. It just has to be a possibly-uncomfortable truth.