The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Erzengel]

hopeful.

I think you should just see what happens naturally and I'd settle in first in your new surroundings, before trying to meet people.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The thing is, I tend to get friend zoned so quickly when I meet people.

Probs because I'm a bit of a tomboy (totally dress feminine, but I mean in terms of being a geek and being kind of boystrous), and also because I probably subconsciously act like I am not looking for anything to happen because relationships scare the bejesus out of me

I feel like if I meet people in a way that's completely clear 'I'm meeting you because I'm looking for a boyfriend' then I'm less likely to get friend zoned or at least less likely to retreat into the safety of pretending I'm not looking for that.

I hate that the only way I'm gonna achieve anything I want (in life and relationships) is to constantly fight all my natural instincts.

My brain is wired to say 'if you don't try, you can't fail' It's so frustrating!

 

[Anubis]

Did you try rubbing your boobs up against em?

 

[Anita18]

Question: I'm moving to a city in July and really hoping this new life might include a relationship. What do you think the best way of me meeting someone is?

Should I try and get people I know there to 'set me up'. Should I use POF? Join clubs? Should I just dress up and go to random bars on my own and see if anyone comes up to me

Or should I just see what happens naturally in the first few months.

My ex-bf met his wife the first week moving to a new city. He was tired of unpacking so he decided to go to a Young Democrats meetup in the area. She was there too.

Finding a club meeting where you'd have some personal interests is a good way. Bars don't work for me. At least I've never heard of geeks finding their SOs in bars, even if they're comfortable in them. Although a friend found her first serious bf at a mixer....at a comic book store. I have relatives who met their SOs just doing something they were interested in. Of course they were group hobbies. My solo hobbies would not have helped....

The thing is, I tend to get friend zoned so quickly when I meet people.

Probs because I'm a bit of a tomboy (totally dress feminine, but I mean in terms of being a geek and being kind of boystrous), and also because I probably subconsciously act like I am not looking for anything to happen because relationships scare the bejesus out of me

I feel like if I meet people in a way that's completely clear 'I'm meeting you because I'm looking for a boyfriend' then I'm less likely to get friend zoned or at least less likely to retreat into the safety of pretending I'm not looking for that.

I hate that the only way I'm gonna achieve anything I want (in life and relationships) is to constantly fight all my natural instincts.

My brain is wired to say 'if you don't try, you can't fail' It's so frustrating!

Yeah, that's why I liked online dating - it's very obvious from the get-go that you're looking to DATE. I suppose I get friendzoned a lot as a tomboy too, but the two guys I've actually dated, were very devoted guys in it for the long haul so there's that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Did you try rubbing your boobs up against em?

Are you kidding?

That's how I shake hands!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

My ex-bf met his wife the first week moving to a new city. He was tired of unpacking so he decided to go to a Young Democrats meetup in the area. She was there too.

Finding a club meeting where you'd have some personal interests is a good way. Bars don't work for me. At least I've never heard of geeks finding their SOs in bars, even if they're comfortable in them. Although a friend found her first serious bf at a mixer....at a comic book store. I have relatives who met their SOs just doing something they were interested in. Of course they were group hobbies. My solo hobbies would not have helped....

The trouble is, I don't have a heck of a lot of hobbies that there are neccesarily clubs for. I mean, I could join a creative writing group I suppose, but every one i've ever been too has just been full of old women

I spend almost all of my free time either watching videos/tv, reading, chatting on SHH or going out for quiet drinks or getting trashed with friends.

Which actually brings me to another question - Do I go for a guy who doesn't get wasted and try and calm down a bit on that side of things myself (I mean, I have to if I want a succesful career really), or will I feel too much like the crazy one if he's too normal and has never experienced that side of life?

I mean, I think i'd find it difficult to be attracted to someone who has never been a drinker/dabbler because it'd mean that straight off he will never really understand me or my crazy life so far and I really want that connection.

But then with this chance at a fresh start, I can be whoever I want, and maybe I could leave all the crazy in my home town and try and become somebody new.

Yeah, that's why I liked online dating - it's very obvious from the get-go that you're looking to DATE. I suppose I get friendzoned a lot as a tomboy too, but the two guys I've actually dated, were very devoted guys in it for the long haul so there's that.

Yeah that's what I thought. It's a lot less difficult to bring up 'so do you wanna go out' if you are actually expecting that when you start talking to someone.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Question: I'm moving to a city in July and really hoping this new life might include a relationship. What do you think the best way of me meeting someone is?

Should I try and get people I know there to 'set me up'. Should I use POF? Join clubs? Should I just dress up and go to random bars on my own and see if anyone comes up to me

Or should I just see what happens naturally in the first few months.

Unfortunately it is

Have you had a chance to confront her about any of it? You say she's cut off all contact but has she given you ANY 'reason' for giving up on the relationship and why it happened so fast?

Do all of this, the summer before I met my now fiancee, I really just let myself be open to any and all possibilities. I joined a marathon training group, a recreational kickball team, was on eHarmony and went out with friends to bars or streetfests whenever the occasion arose. Everything was stuff I wanted to do and wasn't to just meet girls, that was just an added possible benefit. Ultimately it was eHarmony that worked, but doing all that stuff made me feel real good and confident that I was a real catch for someone. Plus I had so much stuff going on, I had things to talk about on dates. I think if I was only trying one way to meet someone it wouldn't have worked. You're in a new city, explore it, get out there and meet people, don't just look for a date, but friends too.

 

[steintym]

Just over a month ago my wife (together 7 years, married 2) told me she didn't love me anymore, didn't see a future with me, didn't want to attempt any reconciling, moved out, and gave me divorce papers all in the span of about a week.

The whole thing was extremely shocking and even after going over our whole relationship in my head, sure we had some communication problems and we kind of settled into an un-exciting rut, but there is no way things were bad enough that she would've had to leave the way she did, giving us no chance to fix what was wrong. She isn't cheating on me, but she has some child-grown emotional issues that she is still struggling with that amplified all of this.

I'm still very devastated by all of it, and she's cut off all contact making things that much worse and strange.

She was my high school 'sweetheart', so this is actually the first break up I've ever been through. Add dealing with that to dealing with the life altering effects of a divorce and I've had a fairly ****** month.

Wow, really sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how devastating that must have been. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she might have already moved on to someone else ... Or there were more problems than you were aware of.

Good luck, hope things work out for the best.

 

[Anita18]

The trouble is, I don't have a heck of a lot of hobbies that there are neccesarily clubs for. I mean, I could join a creative writing group I suppose, but every one i've ever been too has just been full of old women

I spend almost all of my free time either watching videos/tv, reading, chatting on SHH or going out for quiet drinks or getting trashed with friends.

Which actually brings me to another question - Do I go for a guy who doesn't get wasted and try and calm down a bit on that side of things myself (I mean, I have to if I want a succesful career really), or will I feel too much like the crazy one if he's too normal and has never experienced that side of life?

I mean, I think i'd find it difficult to be attracted to someone who has never been a drinker/dabbler because it'd mean that straight off he will never really understand me or my crazy life so far and I really want that connection.

But then with this chance at a fresh start, I can be whoever I want, and maybe I could leave all the crazy in my home town and try and become somebody new.

It's not impossible, depending on the location. My friend who met her bf at the mixer, they're both writers. Since this is LA there's always a ton of real-life meetups for aspiring screenwriters. Even if writing itself is a solitary occupation, there's a lot of schmoozing that needs to be done in show business.

As for getting wasted (or not) with your partner....the most important thing is that if you want to continue doing that, you'll need to find a guy that at least tolerates it and won't try to change you. Then you'll just resent him.

And yeah, you have a good point. You're in a new city, why shouldn't you take the opportunity and try something new? Especially if what you've been doing hasn't been working out that well?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Do all of this, the summer before I met my now fiancee, I really just let myself be open to any and all possibilities. I joined a marathon training group, a recreational kickball team, was on eHarmony and went out with friends to bars or streetfests whenever the occasion arose. Everything was stuff I wanted to do and wasn't to just meet girls, that was just an added possible benefit. Ultimately it was eHarmony that worked, but doing all that stuff made me feel real good and confident that I was a real catch for someone. Plus I had so much stuff going on, I had things to talk about on dates. I think if I was only trying one way to meet someone it wouldn't have worked. You're in a new city, explore it, get out there and meet people, don't just look for a date, but friends too.

Cool I think I will!

It's not impossible, depending on the location. My friend who met her bf at the mixer, they're both writers. Since this is LA there's always a ton of real-life meetups for aspiring screenwriters. Even if writing itself is a solitary occupation, there's a lot of schmoozing that needs to be done in show business.

As for getting wasted (or not) with your partner....the most important thing is that if you want to continue doing that, you'll need to find a guy that at least tolerates it and won't try to change you. Then you'll just resent him.

And yeah, you have a good point. You're in a new city, why shouldn't you take the opportunity and try something new? Especially if what you've been doing hasn't been working out that well?

Yeah it's difficult. I mean, I can't see myself not wanting to go out drinking ever again, so I can't really date a guy that doesn't like party girls.

But I don't have to get quite as drunk as I sometimes do.

 

[StrainedEyes]

Are you still on the path to getting a job?

Yeah, it started a week ago, a few days after I moved into my new apartment and just over a month after she left.

Have you had a chance to confront her about any of it? You say she's cut off all contact but has she given you ANY 'reason' for giving up on the relationship and why it happened so fast?

I did what I could to confront her. She slowly gave me more honest reasons up until she stopped responding to me. I think it was as much about her feeling that she needed to be on her own to deal with her personal issues, as it was about me and any issues our relationship had. The reason she moved out almost immediately was because she felt she couldn't trust her decisions if I was there influencing them, be it through guilt or pity. I convinced her to stay one more night (she actually told me all of this while she was on a trip outside of the country, she wasn't planning on coming back the the house) and she made an appointment to see a therapist the next morning because of how upset and scared she was, I brought her and while she was there she called me and told me not to pick her up and that she wouldn't be coming home.

Wow, really sorry to hear that. I can only imagine how devastating that must have been. I hate to say it, but it sounds like she might have already moved on to someone else ... Or there were more problems than you were aware of.

She didn't leave me because of someone else. I know from the outside the way she handled it is very much like that, my mom certainly thought that was the reason (my dad did a very similar thing to her). She's definitely been hiding a lot of these feelings and thoughts from me, very well and possibly for years, and she finally got to a panic point.

 

[ComicChick]

Seeing as a friend of mine met her fiancée, and another friend met his the girl he's been dating for awhile on PoF I just signed up. Wish me luck lol

i still have my account from when a bunch of us joined a couple of threads back and apparently the only guys who are interested in me are late 30's/40+ or type like they're wannabe thugs or something. neither of which i am interested in

but i'm kinda afraid that if a guy messages me that i would be attracted to or like, or if i see one that catches my eye, i don't think i have the confidence in myself to respond or try to take things further

 

[Erzengel]

What have you got to lose?

It's the same advice people on here give to gives about risk vs. reward.

So if they decline or if they don't respond? It's about putting yourself out there.

 

[ComicChick]

i think it's the fear of putting myself out there that holds me back

a lot of emotional abuse growing up has really given me a very low image of self. although i can recognize that i probably look and feel better now than i have ever looked in my life, i still don't think of myself as pretty and have never really been told i was either.

 

[Erzengel]

Then you probably didn't associate with the right people.

When I was younger and more awkward, the only people who told me I was attractive were older family friends. Never really took it to heart. And it's hard when your self esteem has taken a few shots.

For me it was like a switch where I just stopped caring. Even after a rejection, I moved on. It's not great, and sometimes it's not easy. But it beats wallowing.

And remember, there's more to attraction than just looks. There's confidence and a sense of self assurance that can be very attractive in someone.

I'm not going to try and blow smoke up your butt by saying, looks aren't important because they are. I'm sure you have some sort of physical standards yourself.

All you really have to do is just realize what you can offer, and go from there. You have a lot of great qualities and yes you may strike out the first time, but the trick is not to give up.

 

[ComicChick]

thanks erz

going with your baseball metaphor, i am ready to step up to the plate i think, moreso than i've ever been. i've grown tired of letting my horrible past dictate how i'm going to live in the present, not just in relationships but life in general.

 

[Anubis]

Just be sure not to crowd the plate. Then you're just asking to get beaned.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

going with your baseball metaphor, i am ready to step up to the plate i think, moreso than i've ever been. i've grown tired of letting my horrible past dictate how i'm going to live in the present, not just in relationships but life in general.

It's difficult. Your past is always going to be there, you can't run from it. And a lot of the issues caused are subconscious - as in they are not as easy to change as people want, because they don't respond to your logic or reason.

I mean, you could have a scientific study done that proves you are attractive to certain males, but if you have serious issues because of emotional abuse, there will always be a little voice still doubting it.

The only thing I'd suggest is trying to make your weakness you're strength.

I know that sounds weird and cliched. It's just you have to remember that enduring hardships of any kind, shows just how tough you are.

My mum always used to say to me that life never gives us more than we can handle.

And to me that says that when bad things happen to me, it is because I am strong enough to take it.

So every time you feel afraid to step up to the plate because of what happened in the past and the issues you deal with, just try and remember that those hard times didn't make you weak - they proved you were strong.

And if you endured them, you can certainly endure a mild rejection from a dating website

 

[ComicChick]

thanks for the advice HS

 

[Anita18]

i still have my account from when a bunch of us joined a couple of threads back and apparently the only guys who are interested in me are late 30's/40+ or type like they're wannabe thugs or something. neither of which i am interested in

but i'm kinda afraid that if a guy messages me that i would be attracted to or like, or if i see one that catches my eye, i don't think i have the confidence in myself to respond or try to take things further

No, I get that too. I told my coworker that I wasn't all that attracted to my fiance when I met him. She was incredulous, because she was always super-attracted to every guy she dated.

I told her it was kind of a self-esteem thing, that if there was someone I found super-attractive, I wouldn't believe for a second that he'd feel the same about me. I'm very confident in most things, but the attraction thing is like, the last stand of my scared little girl self.

My fiance was cute enough for me to message, but not SO good-looking to be intimidating.

It's difficult. Your past is always going to be there, you can't run from it. And a lot of the issues caused are subconscious - as in they are not as easy to change as people want, because they don't respond to your logic or reason.

I mean, you could have a scientific study done that proves you are attractive to certain males, but if you have serious issues because of emotional abuse, there will always be a little voice still doubting it.

The only thing I'd suggest is trying to make your weakness you're strength.

I know that sounds weird and cliched. It's just you have to remember that enduring hardships of any kind, shows just how tough you are.

My mum always used to say to me that life never gives us more than we can handle.

And to me that says that when bad things happen to me, it is because I am strong enough to take it.

So every time you feel afraid to step up to the plate because of what happened in the past and the issues you deal with, just try and remember that those hard times didn't make you weak - they proved you were strong.

And if you endured them, you can certainly endure a mild rejection from a dating website

At the same time, you might have to ask WHY bad things are happening to you, even if you're strong. But that gets into a bunch of theology that would complicate and be OT from this thread.

I don't believe that life "gives" you something on purpose. Sometimes bad things just happen to good people and there's no explaining it away. But I agree with the general message - if you can endure the stuff that you have, you're only making yourself stronger for what lies ahead.

And yeah seriously, a mild rejection from dating website is NOTHING. At least most of them can be endured on a screen and not in person, which I find a lot more awkward/painful.

 

[Frodo]

My problem is that I can't seem to stop my skirt chasing ways to save my life, even though its causing me more and more trouble. I just can't say no to women and I have a lot of them in my life at the moment. As you can imagine it causes a lot of rows and drama but I strangely seem to make it out in one piece. at times my love life feels like a sitcom.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

My problem is that I can't seem to stop my skirt chasing ways to save my life, even though its causing me more and more trouble. I just can't say no to women and I have a lot of them in my life at the moment. As you can imagine it causes a lot of rows and drama but I strangely seem to make it out in one piece. at times my love life feels like a sitcom.

I hear that. Worse still, once I start f***ing or dating someone it becomes like nothing for me to pick up more and more women. They just start coming out the woodwork.

 

[Anita18]

I hear that. Worse still, once I start f***ing or dating someone it becomes like nothing for me to pick up more and more women. They just start coming out the woodwork.

Wish I could tell that to my classmate whose fiance broke up with her yesterday. She was crying all throughout class, poor girl.

She also gets hit on multiple times a day, so she shouldn't have trouble finding someone new, but those kinds of guys all creep her out.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So a friend of mine seems convinced that I am going to end up cheating on my girlfriend... In fact, he almost seems to be hoping that I do. He's been going on about it for about a week or so now, and nothing that I say will seem to convince him otherwise.

 

[Erzengel]

How long has it been now?