The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[hopefuldreamer]

If anything, I would guess the former. She told me that when she first got with her ex boyfriend, and she made out with him the first time, it was the first time she had ever made out with anyone before, and her words to me were that after, she "didn't feel like herself" after she had done it. She couldn't really explain to me how she felt that way, just that was how she felt. She also said later that she doesn't like making out because "I'm not good at it", as were her words.

I told her later in the conversation that I feel she puts way too much pressure on physicality, and sexuality and stuff so she fears doing it because it won't be what she's built it up in her head to be. She didn't disagree with me when I said that. She basically seems to distance herself from any and all romance and intimacy because she always talks about examples of her friends in high school getting all overly lovey dovey about their boyfriends of 3 days, or stuff like that, and she doesn't want to be like that, so instead of finding a happy moderation, she seems to just distance herself from it altogether.

While not a religious background, she does come from a very strict conservative background, one where whenever I do talk in a sexual way about her, she makes remarks like "I can already hear my dad loading the shotgun", or "that's the kind of talk that will have my sister coming after you". Which frustrates me, because when she starts talking like that, I feel like I'm in some high school relationship, and not an adult relationship, and that's where I start to wonder if she's who I want to be with.

There's also the fact that we can go a week at a time without seeing each other, or even so much as having any kind of meaningful communication with each other, which doesn't get me distraught or anything, but she doesn't get why I feel it's important to see her more. She always talks about how her father was military and was gone for 6 months to a year at a time, or her friends live in other parts of the world as her, or how her sister lives in another state, and how her relationships just aren't around, so being apart doesn't bother her, so she doesn't understand why I begin to get frustrated when I don't see or hear from her for a week at a time.

I mean, I can honestly say that right now, at this point in time, I can honestly look at it and say that no, I don't want to end things right now, but I also don't want to continue with the way things are going. I don't want to feel like I'm in a high school relationship where touching is a "no no", and I don't want to be in a relationship where honestly, I don't really feel like that much of a priority to her. I bring up how I want to see and talk to her more than once a week, or I'd like her to actually take initiative to call or text me, or how I'm not looking forward to her leaving for a month over the summer, and she responds by asking if I have some weird co-dependency thing, and I say no, it's not co-dependency, it's the fact that you're my girlfriend and I want to see you more than once a week.

Summer is coming up, our schedules are clearing, so I'm going to give it a little bit more time to see how things change, but I don't know if I'm so certain that it will.

Hey Nell, It's hopefulsuicide over in cynicism corner here... but I have to ask Why?

From an outsiders perspective it seems like you are working incredibly bloody hard at this relationship... too hard. And what are you actually getting out of it?

Seeing/speaking to her once a week or so. Getting to say 'I have a girlfriend'.... Is there a third?

You're friends are all saying 'you're going to cheat', but i'd guess they are just saying that because they are afraid to tell you to just dump her. Maybe they think it won't go down well if they give you that tough love. So they are trying to let you know in a more 'sideways' approach, that they don't agree with this situation. That it's not right for you. That it is going to end badly.

There seems to be one very important phrase that enters my head when your talking about her.

She doesn't want to.

She doesn't want to kiss. She doesn't want to be intimate. She doesn't want to have sex until marriage. She doesn't want to speak more often/see each other more often.

It doesn't matter if she's starting to do those things more because YOU want her to and so she's compromising.

The fact is, she doesn't want to.

And if she doesn't want to... then she's really just not that into you

I mean, there are plenty of reason to want to wait before you have sex. But it should be HARD to do so if you really like the person. My best friend and her husband got married pretty quickly... because of their beliefs about sex before marriage. They couldn't wait. They were simply too hot for each other. But they didn't want to continue living in sin, and they knew they were in love, so they married. They're still together three years later.

What i'm saying is, that no matter what you're beliefs are or you're logical doubts are, if the person is right for you... if they are the person that gives you butterflies and makes your skin tingle etc etc... then it would be obvious how much you WANT to do it, even if you're not sure about it.

You should wait for a girl who is HUNGRY for you. Who desires you. Who actually ENJOYS kissing you.

A girl who actually WANTS to see you whenever they can.

That's not this girl. And I don't know that all this effort you're putting in is ever going to payoff... it seems very unlikely from everything you've described.

But hey, maybe i'm wrong. Maybe it'd help if you'd explain to me what it is that you are enjoying in this relationship. What it is about this girl that's got you willing to settle for her conditions for now?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'd even begin to wonder, with all this 'off' time she's not the one getting her physical needs met somewhere else. I mean is she getting anything out of your relationship that would make it beneficial for her to string you along? Like do you buy her way too much stuff? I know girls who play their own boyfriends like that, sometimes it's not the sex never before marriage crowd. Sometimes it's the girl who is just not 'into' her boyfriend but wants him around just in case the one banging her has no long term commitment planned.

Frankly, the Guard said it, some pushier guy may come along and get her to drop it quick. People dislike pushiness, but it's effective on girls like her. The biggest red flag you've said is that she's sarcastically responding to your come ons with empty threats from her sister and father. She's erecting a boundary. It's a boundary for YOU though. You should wonder if that treatment is something she does to everyone. Even on top of this a "smoother" guy might not be deterred by those comments. He may roll with them. She's saying them because she knows you'll stop every time she sh**s on you a bit.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

If anything, I would guess the former. She told me that when she first got with her ex boyfriend, and she made out with him the first time, it was the first time she had ever made out with anyone before, and her words to me were that after, she "didn't feel like herself" after she had done it. She couldn't really explain to me how she felt that way, just that was how she felt. She also said later that she doesn't like making out because "I'm not good at it", as were her words.

So which is it? Is it her ex-boyfriend, or does she think she's not good at it? This is something I never like: two different stories. One justification to fit the first circumstance and first discussion, another one later on. The first one shouldn't even apply to you anyways. You're not him.

I told her later in the conversation that I feel she puts way too much pressure on physicality, and sexuality and stuff so she fears doing it because it won't be what she's built it up in her head to be. She didn't disagree with me when I said that. She basically seems to distance herself from any and all romance and intimacy because she always talks about examples of her friends in high school getting all overly lovey dovey about their boyfriends of 3 days, or stuff like that, and she doesn't want to be like that, so instead of finding a happy moderation, she seems to just distance herself from it altogether.

So there's two options here: she's either very mentally damaged (this is not normal behavior) or she's not into you sexually. Again, I'm sort of curious as to what reason she has to be your girlfriend. Do you spend lots of money on her? Is she dependent on you for something? Is there some other activity she's getting involved in because of her involvement with you? Stuff like that. The only way I can rationalize her having real feelings towards you is the former. She may be very mentally scarred, maybe over something she hasn't even mentioned, and this'll be a persistent problem that'll probably never completely disappear. I simply find that hard to believe though.

While not a religious background, she does come from a very strict conservative background, one where whenever I do talk in a sexual way about her, she makes remarks like "I can already hear my dad loading the shotgun", or "that's the kind of talk that will have my sister coming after you". Which frustrates me, because when she starts talking like that, I feel like I'm in some high school relationship, and not an adult relationship, and that's where I start to wonder if she's who I want to be with.

This I dislike for two reasons. Sarcasm like "I can already hear my dad loading the shotgun" is usually some form of passive aggressive behavior. First of all she's making light of you being murdered. I don't know how all my previous relationships have felt about me, but generally I don't date people who passive aggressively threatened my life when I brought up sex. Frankly I'd start to wonder the same thing.

Conservatives are a funny breed too. I know, I've f***ed a lot of them (living in the South). I'm very Liberal myself, but from observation, the family values aspect has very little influence on their actual decisions. In many cases for them it functions less it deterring their actual behavior, but moreso functions to shame them into not talking about it or talking around it. I tend to think humans are exceptionally honest animals, so even when they think they're fooling everyone, really it's more fooling themselves. Other people can simply watch behavior and determine how truthful they are.

There's also the fact that we can go a week at a time without seeing each other, or even so much as having any kind of meaningful communication with each other, which doesn't get me distraught or anything, but she doesn't get why I feel it's important to see her more. She always talks about how her father was military and was gone for 6 months to a year at a time, or her friends live in other parts of the world as her, or how her sister lives in another state, and how her relationships just aren't around, so being apart doesn't bother her, so she doesn't understand why I begin to get frustrated when I don't see or hear from her for a week at a time.

So everytime you ask her an honest question like "why haven't you made a point to see/talk to me" she gives you this long talk about her father? Sounds like she's covering for something honestly. Remember this: "the innocent speak in choppy sentences, the guilty speak in long monologues". I don't have a speech prepared for when I forget to text my girlfriend for a few days, and I do. I'm very abscent minded about those things. Thing is, it's not something I'm that sorry for, nor is it something I feel I need to apologize for because it's the reality of my life. I do math and like to spend time with my cat, and I also have a very active social life so I'm usually very distracted. It's not like I'm cheating, so when I'm asked it's simply "oh, sorry, I've been swamped". I don't care if she investigates that because I know nothing wrong will come out of it. Guilty people on the other hand give stump speeches as a smokescreen for what they're really doing. Now you're all distracted by what she says about her father and sister to notice she's talking to the boy across the street a little too much. That's a cynical reading sure, but that's also how a lot of those people get away with that. She knows how sympathetic you are, so she'll play that by making it sound like you don't appreciate her messed up life.

I dislike she uses her past as a crutch around you when it comes to your relationship. Every girl I've dated who I've had a healthy sex life with never brought up these things because they were too busy having fun.

I mean, I can honestly say that right now, at this point in time, I can honestly look at it and say that no, I don't want to end things right now, but I also don't want to continue with the way things are going. I don't want to feel like I'm in a high school relationship where touching is a "no no", and I don't want to be in a relationship where honestly, I don't really feel like that much of a priority to her. I bring up how I want to see and talk to her more than once a week, or I'd like her to actually take initiative to call or text me, or how I'm not looking forward to her leaving for a month over the summer, and she responds by asking if I have some weird co-dependency thing, and I say no, it's not co-dependency, it's the fact that you're my girlfriend and I want to see you more than once a week.

Things like this make me think she's f***ing around behind your back. If she's not calling or texting you I guarentee she's calling or texting someone else.

Summer is coming up, our schedules are clearing, so I'm going to give it a little bit more time to see how things change, but I don't know if I'm so certain that it will.

Thing about people - you only see the side of them they want you to see. Every girl who I don't find attractive I treat like they are five: "Oh hey April, how's your classes going? Well, that's cool". Like I really want to keep everything on that sexless end of the spectrum. Then girls I want I do the opposite. To me past behavior dictates future behavior. If you've only seen this side of her so far it won't be different. Think about it? She's already putting up a new wall of distance with this 'month long trip'. By the by, one thing that creeps me out about girls I've dated is how quickly they'll try to include me on grand plans like vacations. Even some offer to pay for everything. In fact most of them try to pay for everything with me. That varies a bit based on their income, but the point is they try to give me excuses to stick around and spend more time with them. You've been in this relationship for two months, she should at least now be toying with the idea of you joining her on a month long summer vacation. You really think she's gonna go a month without sex or intimacy? Really? I wouldn't be halfway surprised if she breaks it off with you beforehand, during or after.

The fact that she even attempts physical intimacy with you is telling. It means this isn't some massive phobia or physcological problem (more than likely) because I guarantee you that it would be much more extreme if she had serious mental issues. She does sound to me like she is stringing you along, maybe even playing you while she's messing around with more fleeting guys. She definitely can't be that physically attracted to you (sorry) because that urge is very hard to resist for this long.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I get what you're saying, but I'm certain there's not somebody else. That's not my concern. I know people who know her, who know how she was with her ex boyfriend, and pretty much the consensus is that this is just how she is. One person put it as she's "absent minded" in relationships, she knows how to attract guys but doesn't really know how to keep them, she just doesn't really know how to act in a relationship. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize just how severe it was when I was told this.

As far as why she's in the relationship, it's not about what I do for her, I can guarantee that. I stopped spending money on her and buying her things when she started acting so distant. I bought her some gifts and stuff early on, but I didn't keep that stuff up. All I know is that she mentioned that when we first met, if I didn't ask her out, she was going to ask me out, she was interested in me enough that she wasn't gonna just let me get away.

To answer hopeful's question, about why I'm still in it, it's because when I do see her and we are spending time together, she's really fun to be around and spend time with. Especially early on, there was some real good chemistry between us, we really clicked. There was a time, before school schedules got crazy, that we were seeing each other tons more than we are now, so there is a precedent of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting to see me, dropping plans for me, and yes physical intimacy. But in a backwards twist, as we got further into the relationship, the physical intimacy plateaued, we started spending less time together, and she started telling me about how she's not an overly affectionate person.

So it is what it is, and it might not be for much longer. I'm still willing to give it a chance to see if it really is just a matter of busy schedules, but if things don't show progress sooner, I'm not gonna stick around in a relationship that has me feeling like I'm single anyways.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I get what you're saying, but I'm certain there's not somebody else. That's not my concern. I know people who know her, who know how she was with her ex boyfriend, and pretty much the consensus is that this is just how she is. One person put it as she's "absent minded" in relationships, she knows how to attract guys but doesn't really know how to keep them, she just doesn't really know how to act in a relationship. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize just how severe it was when I was told this.

I honestly can't say because you honestly know her better, and know those who know her and yet I still wouldn't be surprised. Girls are awesome at keeping that stuff secret. There were a lot of girls I dated that I felt either had boyfriends at the time, or at least had other options around I was not aware of. I consider trust important but to me when I say trust it has to do more with how they behave around me. If they're behavior is erratic, and they're chronically making excuse after excuse about this and that then I start to believe something is up. A lot of people realize how to fly under the radar though, I say this because I often do it myself.

As far as why she's in the relationship, it's not about what I do for her, I can guarantee that. I stopped spending money on her and buying her things when she started acting so distant. I bought her some gifts and stuff early on, but I didn't keep that stuff up. All I know is that she mentioned that when we first met, if I didn't ask her out, she was going to ask me out, she was interested in me enough that she wasn't gonna just let me get away.

Couple things. One I wouldn't get to caught up in what she said there. I mean it sounds sweet but the fact is you asked her out and for whatever reason she didn't ask you out. Obviously one or the other would have to happen, but I just wouldn't get too carried away with that line. I use a lot of good lines like that too, and I always assume women do to about the same extent as men.

That aside I guess my one piece of dating advice is gifts come much later. The only exception would be if she invited you to a birthday, at which point do a thoughtful giftcard. Even though you don't now it means you invest a lot up front and it kills any need for her to "live up to". Like I say I'm pushy with girls. I might buy you a drink, I might buy nice things, but at the same time I'm pushing for just as much if not more than I'm putting in. It's kind of how I get laid so fast. Last line I used on a girl to get her in bed was: "you don't wear those kinds of panties if you don't want to do this". It was argumentative. It's like "okay, I've done my part now please do yours". It's very hard to do that if you're paying for everything. I find you should always start with dutch dates or if you can make her pay even better [for you ]. One it makes them bargain for more, and two it starts you both out on equal footing if you're sharing those kinds of investments.

Money to me is a very important thing so I do not want to give it to just anyone. This can be different depending on your age. If you're still in college some guys have their parents to bankroll them and then that's makes the dynamic a little different than the real world where everyone slaves for a job mostly, and what they have is what they earned. I still like dutch dates though from the beginning. Paying for her, buying her gifts and making her feel extra special really should be saved for when you're more established.

To answer hopeful's question, about why I'm still in it, it's because when I do see her and we are spending time together, she's really fun to be around and spend time with. Especially early on, there was some real good chemistry between us, we really clicked. There was a time, before school schedules got crazy, that we were seeing each other tons more than we are now, so there is a precedent of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting to see me, dropping plans for me, and yes physical intimacy. But in a backwards twist, as we got further into the relationship, the physical intimacy plateaued, we started spending less time together, and she started telling me about how she's not an overly affectionate person.

The other reason I wonder how much you *overdid* the beginning or not is because it plateaued. A lot of times plateaus also have to do with boredom, as in you developed a routine and now she's looking for another, albeit her own, routine. Part of the good thing about casual spontaneous dating is that if schedules get hectic there was never much structure to begin with, so it can adapt to circumstance. Did you want to simply do the same things or have the same relationship despite new circumstances? Can't do that. What if your license got suspended? You'd have to change the way the relationship functioned.

So it is what it is, and it might not be for much longer. I'm still willing to give it a chance to see if it really is just a matter of busy schedules, but if things don't show progress sooner, I'm not gonna stick around in a relationship that has me feeling like I'm single anyways.

I can't do sexless relationships. The sad truth is one day she won't either, and there may be nothing you can do about it. My first girl wanted to wait, then for her next boyfriend she didn't. At all. Just had sex, just like that. I think sometimes before you've had sex perhaps the notion of sex in a relationship is hard to understand. So if she has a problem with intimacy perhaps she doesn't really go for the people she truly finds sexually attractive. Like it doesn't occur to her to make sex a priority.

 

[Anubis]

Maybe her vagina is frozen. Take her temperature.

 

[Erzengel]

Nell,

I think I told the story of some people I use to work with who was in a 2 year relationship. I believe he was 22 and she was 19. They were together for 2 years and they never had sex. She went on to say that she was never really "attracted" to him. So stories like this does happen.

 

[Anita18]

I get what you're saying, but I'm certain there's not somebody else. That's not my concern. I know people who know her, who know how she was with her ex boyfriend, and pretty much the consensus is that this is just how she is. One person put it as she's "absent minded" in relationships, she knows how to attract guys but doesn't really know how to keep them, she just doesn't really know how to act in a relationship. Unfortunately for me, I didn't realize just how severe it was when I was told this.

As far as why she's in the relationship, it's not about what I do for her, I can guarantee that. I stopped spending money on her and buying her things when she started acting so distant. I bought her some gifts and stuff early on, but I didn't keep that stuff up. All I know is that she mentioned that when we first met, if I didn't ask her out, she was going to ask me out, she was interested in me enough that she wasn't gonna just let me get away.

Careful about that. If you start to treat her differently because she treats you differently, it's easy to go into a downwards spiral of indifference, or worse. That's honestly how I believe my coworker got into the situation she is in now with her husband.

The only thing to do to nip that in the bud is to talk to her, explore why she feels the way she does. Being steadfast in her ways without being open does not bode well for the relationship.

To answer hopeful's question, about why I'm still in it, it's because when I do see her and we are spending time together, she's really fun to be around and spend time with. Especially early on, there was some real good chemistry between us, we really clicked. There was a time, before school schedules got crazy, that we were seeing each other tons more than we are now, so there is a precedent of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting to see me, dropping plans for me, and yes physical intimacy. But in a backwards twist, as we got further into the relationship, the physical intimacy plateaued, we started spending less time together, and she started telling me about how she's not an overly affectionate person.

So it is what it is, and it might not be for much longer. I'm still willing to give it a chance to see if it really is just a matter of busy schedules, but if things don't show progress sooner, I'm not gonna stick around in a relationship that has me feeling like I'm single anyways.

Sounds to me like the "honeymoon period" is over and that she'll need to find other reasons to be excited about being in a relationship with you.

Nell,

I think I told the story of some people I use to work with who was in a 2 year relationship. I believe he was 22 and she was 19. They were together for 2 years and they never had sex. She went on to say that she was never really "attracted" to him. So stories like this does happen.

This happened to my first bf and I. We were actually very attracted to each other, but were both virgins and had no idea how to move forward in the sex department. We were quite affectionate otherwise (maybe a little too much ) and broke up for other reasons.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So I finally plucked up the courage to actually ask the guy from my bar job if he's interested in me.

And he answered completely honestly, that he likes me as a friend and probably wouldn't say no to a one nighter, but that he doesn't like me in 'that way'.



Story of my life.

But hey, at least I did it. I mean, that's the first time since I was 14 and got rejected by a guy I liked, that I actually stepped up and asked. I'm kind of proud of me

To answer hopeful's question, about why I'm still in it, it's because when I do see her and we are spending time together, she's really fun to be around and spend time with. Especially early on, there was some real good chemistry between us, we really clicked. There was a time, before school schedules got crazy, that we were seeing each other tons more than we are now, so there is a precedent of her wanting to spend time with me, wanting to see me, dropping plans for me, and yes physical intimacy. But in a backwards twist, as we got further into the relationship, the physical intimacy plateaued, we started spending less time together, and she started telling me about how she's not an overly affectionate person.

So it is what it is, and it might not be for much longer. I'm still willing to give it a chance to see if it really is just a matter of busy schedules, but if things don't show progress sooner, I'm not gonna stick around in a relationship that has me feeling like I'm single anyways.

That's fair, and it sounds like you're handling this in a healthy way. I mean this is ALL her issues screwing up this relationship... it seems like you are being the perfect boyfriend

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, Nell, quite honestly, there's not much I can say you should do differently. Maybe in retrospect this or that, but at least you're the mature one in all of this.

 

[Erzengel]

Like Nell said, school should be ending soon but I really think if it goes to July and there's no real progression after like 4 months together? It might be time to reevaluate.

 

[POWdER-man]

So I finally plucked up the courage to actually ask the guy from my bar job if he's interested in me.

And he answered completely honestly, that he likes me as a friend and probably wouldn't say no to a one nighter, but that he doesn't like me in 'that way'.



Story of my life.

But hey, at least I did it. I mean, that's the first time since I was 14 and got rejected by a guy I liked, that I actually stepped up and asked. I'm kind of proud of me

That is pretty awful he said that, so you are probably better off without him if he is like that.

But good on you for giving it the old college try.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

That is pretty awful he said that, so you are probably better off without him if he is like that.

But good on you for giving it the old college try.

I didn't think it was awful, we were both pretty drunk and he was just being flirty to soften the blow.

I just took it as 'okay, so he doesn't find me unattractive, he just doesn't want a relationship with me' ... which is pretty much how every single man on the planet feels about me.

There is something really unattractive about my personality in terms of romantic notions. Guys think i'm brilliant as a friend, hot enough to get their motor running... but the idea of going out with me is just unappealing

 

[Anita18]

So I finally plucked up the courage to actually ask the guy from my bar job if he's interested in me.

And he answered completely honestly, that he likes me as a friend and probably wouldn't say no to a one nighter, but that he doesn't like me in 'that way'.



Story of my life.

But hey, at least I did it. I mean, that's the first time since I was 14 and got rejected by a guy I liked, that I actually stepped up and asked. I'm kind of proud of me

I didn't think it was awful, we were both pretty drunk and he was just being flirty to soften the blow.

I just took it as 'okay, so he doesn't find me unattractive, he just doesn't want a relationship with me' ... which is pretty much how every single man on the planet feels about me.

There is something really unattractive about my personality in terms of romantic notions. Guys think i'm brilliant as a friend, hot enough to get their motor running... but the idea of going out with me is just unappealing

Maybe you're just looking at the wrong guys?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Like Nell said, school should be ending soon but I really think if it goes to July and there's no real progression after like 4 months together? It might be time to reevaluate.

Yeah. I wouldn't do anything rash yet either.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Maybe you're just looking at the wrong guys?

Well I wish it was something I could change. But hey, i'm attracted to what i'm attracted to.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Guys, guys...we all know you mean well but seriously, you don't have to fix everything for we ladies unless we ask you to. All you really need to do is be a supportive rock of stability when we're going through a tough time ready to give us a shoulder to cry on and arms to hold us. And trust me there are some things that you can do for us that our female friends can't as well...if you get where I'm coming from. When things overwhelm us we just look to you for strength and verbal encouragement to soldier on.

 

[Anita18]

Well I wish it was something I could change. But hey, i'm attracted to what i'm attracted to.

My best friend and I weren't immediately intensely attracted to our SO's (she's married to him now, I'm going to be married next year). We thought they were kinda cute and nice-enough guys to start.

When I told my coworker that, she was like " I've always been super-attracted to the guys I dated!" But she broke up with all of them nonetheless and is in a loveless marriage of 10 years ongoing. So maybe a little shakeup in that technique might be in order?

 

[Godzilla2000]

(she's married to him now, I'm going to be married next year)

Ah, my fondest, early congratulations to you and your soul mate! t:

 

[lixdexia]

you know what's really irritating? when you have a problem, and go to look for answers, but all you find are people talking about an opposite problem.

 

[Anita18]

Ah, my fondest, early congratulations to you and your soul mate! t:

Thank you! Open your heart and give a nice guy a chance, and he can really step up to the plate.

 

[Godzilla2000]

you know what's really irritating? when you have a problem, and go to look for answers, but all you find are people talking about an opposite problem.

What's your problem? Just post away and see if someone can help you out.

 

[lixdexia]

i dunno, it's pretty embarrassing. i just wanted to share my frustration for a moment.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Thank you! Open your heart and give a nice guy a chance, and he can really step up to the plate.

You know, maybe it doesn't have to do with me being open but other people being open to someone like me with such an unconventional view of the world. I'm just trying to be as patient as I possibly can, but God all the stress and unyielding mentality of some people that's making things hard on me. I have my own ways of doing things and people have to learn to accept that and work around it or just tell me the truth. I hate things dragging out and not knowing which way I should turn. As you might know and I have learned from personal experience some people can put up an act of being the nice guy for awhile before showing who they really are.

i dunno, it's pretty embarrassing. i just wanted to share my frustration for a moment.

That's okay. Might I recommend you do a google search on what's troubling you to see if there is anyone that has had the same problem as you have and asked advice about it?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

My best friend and I weren't immediately intensely attracted to our SO's (she's married to him now, I'm going to be married next year). We thought they were kinda cute and nice-enough guys to start.

When I told my coworker that, she was like " I've always been super-attracted to the guys I dated!" But she broke up with all of them nonetheless and is in a loveless marriage of 10 years ongoing. So maybe a little shakeup in that technique might be in order?

Oh I don't tend to be immediately attracted to someone either. I've never gone after a guy based on looks, it's always after getting to know them that I start to like them (which is why most of the time i've already been friend zoned by the time I realise I like someone).

I did try going for a good guy once. After everything that happened with my horrible ex, I dated this 'nice guy' for about 3 weeks.

And I really hated spending time with him by the end of it. Because he was really just too nice. He was boring. He fell for me way too fast, and treated me like I was amazing and I just totally wasn't into it.

I don't mean I hate being treated like i'm amazing

It's just, I don't want someone who looks at me in awe as though i'm much better and more exciting than they are. It's just kind of weird.

I just want a relationship where both people are on an equal level, and I really don't think that a 'nice guy' is ever really going to fit that, because i'm not a 'nice girl'