The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Anita18]

Hmmmm, I'm starting to think you're situations a bit diff to what I'm talking about...

So basically what you're saying is that even if you have explicity said that you're not interested in anything but casual fun, you are open to it becoming a relationship if that connection is right?

Isn't that kind of a mixed single?

Every girl, is basically just going to try and be/think they are THAT girl who you choose to go that step further with. Who you had that connection with.

I think that's why all the 'casual fun' I've had has been with friends or people I know. You both KNOW that it's not about either one of you looking for a boyfriend/girlfriend.

It's a bit more complicated to date someone AND try and claim there's no possibility of a relationship.

You ask a girl on a DATE, and don't sleep with her until the third date... Well you're not particularly acting like someone who just wants just sex, I must admit. You're acting like someone who wants to date a lot of women until he finds the right women to 'sweep him off his feet'

Right, so the dating is a "test." And of course women want to pass it, you know how much we like to be The One for a rebel guy.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Right, so the dating is a "test." And of course women want to pass it, you know how much we like to be The One for a rebel guy.

Exactly!

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Right, so the dating is a "test." And of course women want to pass it, you know how much we like to be The One for a rebel guy.

Hindsight is always 20/20. I definitely made some mistakes by leading her on. I think at the time, I thought because I made myself clear, the repeated contact was in fact showing she was "cool" with it. Plus we were being more than casually intimate even though there wasn't sex involved (it was damn close every date). Live and learn.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Well, I've decided to just go ahead and just come out and say how I feel about a guy, insanely jealous people pestering me and plotting my death meaning nothing to me right now because of the emotional wringer I've been subjected to. A nice rant to myself wasted a lot of my hostile energy and I feel better. Sometimes you just need to rant about your anger and frustrations just to get it out of you I suppose. (Douglas Adams was famous for his rants when his publisher's deadlines for his books was looming over him.) Whether or not it goes anywhere or anything happens doesn't matter to me, but I just wanted to tell him that I am in love with him if nothing else. At least I've made my feelings known. I don't care if people find it pathetic.

Really? You do realize how much of a teenager you sound like now right?

I think we've asked this before, but have you ever actually been on a date with this guy? Or has it been a love at a distance type thing? Perhaps just asking him out on a date would be the better way to go, rather than declaring your undying love for him. That truthfully, would probably just creep him out.

 

[The Squirrel]

I honestly think she needs to see a psychiatrist before asking anyone out on a date.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I honestly think she needs to see a psychiatrist before asking anyone out on a date.

I honestly think she needs to see a psychiatrist before she approaches a guy, or breathes in his general direction or goes into a house where there are sharp objects.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I'm starting to think my best friend has lost her damn mind. She lost her virginity the other night to a guy she met online the day before. And she has a list of 7 other guys she plans on sleeping with as well. I try not to judge people, but I don't really think this is something she should be doing. What if she ends up getting pregnant or getting some disease? She says she's going to be safe, but I'm still concerned. There's no way she could handle a baby or any of the other potential consequences of what she's doing. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm starting to think my best friend has lost her damn mind. She lost her virginity the other night to a guy she met online the day before. And she has a list of 7 other guys she plans on sleeping with as well. I try not to judge people, but I don't really think this is something she should be doing. What if she ends up getting pregnant or getting some disease? She says she's going to be safe, but I'm still concerned. There's no way she could handle a baby or any of the other potential consequences of what she's doing. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me.

She just found a new toy and wants to keep playing with it. I wouldn't be too worried. In all likelyhood her plan will derail itself. She'll get emotionally attached to one of those guys and that list in her head will happily disappear.

 

[Erzengel]

Some people will only learn when they s' out of luck. Pregnant, no job or school, living with her parents, and the father who's long gone.

Ain't a original story.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

She just found a new toy and wants to keep playing with it. I wouldn't be too worried. In all likelyhood her plan will derail itself. She'll get emotionally attached to one of those guys and that list in her head will happily disappear.

Maybe you're right.

Some people will only learn when they s' out of luck. Pregnant, no job or school, living with her parents, and the father who's long gone.

Ain't a original story.

I hope that doesn't end up happening. She deserves better than that.


And to make matters worse, my boyfriend approves of this madness...and is encouraging her...

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well if it's what she wants, I see nothing wrong with it.

If she's doing it for some kind of attention, or to feel some kind of acceptance, then it needs to be stopped.

 

[Anita18]

Well if it's what she wants, I see nothing wrong with it.

If she's doing it for some kind of attention, or to feel some kind of acceptance, then it needs to be stopped.

It might be the latter. I dunno, just strikes me as weird that she suddenly wants to sleep around after not sleeping around, you know?

The emotional issues are more important than the physical issues, IMO. My promiscuous friend has been using condoms for years, no BC, and hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Well, aside from that one time in high school when she had an abortion...she's 32 now, so it's been a long while. Condoms also prevent STDs, but of course you have to use them correctly and judiciously.

Doesn't matter if you discourage her or your bf encourages her, she'll listen to whoever she wants anyway. What's more important, if this really worries you, is trying to figure out why she's suddenly had this change of heart.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I'm starting to think my best friend has lost her damn mind. She lost her virginity the other night to a guy she met online the day before. And she has a list of 7 other guys she plans on sleeping with as well. I try not to judge people, but I don't really think this is something she should be doing. What if she ends up getting pregnant or getting some disease? She says she's going to be safe, but I'm still concerned. There's no way she could handle a baby or any of the other potential consequences of what she's doing. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me.

A friend of mine had the same kind of list freshman year of college, she crossed off two names on the list. The second person is another friend of mine, they dated through college, got married a couple years afterward and have three kids together now, the oldest of which was born a few years after they got married. They are also one of the happiest couples I know and I can only hope my marriage will be as strong as theirs is. In other words, things can change real quick and most likely that list won't be completed. That is unless her closest friends and family really push against it, forbidden fruit and all.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

It might be the latter. I dunno, just strikes me as weird that she suddenly wants to sleep around after not sleeping around, you know?

The emotional issues are more important than the physical issues, IMO. My promiscuous friend has been using condoms for years, no BC, and hasn't gotten pregnant yet. Well, aside from that one time in high school when she had an abortion...she's 32 now, so it's been a long while. Condoms also prevent STDs, but of course you have to use them correctly and judiciously.

Doesn't matter if you discourage her or your bf encourages her, she'll listen to whoever she wants anyway. What's more important, if this really worries you, is trying to figure out why she's suddenly had this change of heart.

She said she's always wanted to do this sort of thing but never found a means of doing so. But now she's found a way. So as far as I know it wasn't some sort of sudden thing for her. But it's still concerning.

A friend of mine had the same kind of list freshman year of college, she crossed off two names on the list. The second person is another friend of mine, they dated through college, got married a couple years afterward and have three kids together now, the oldest of which was born a few years after they got married. They are also one of the happiest couples I know and I can only hope my marriage will be as strong as theirs is. In other words, things can change real quick and most likely that list won't be completed. That is unless her closest friends and family really push against it, forbidden fruit and all.

I'm trying to not be too judgmental and discouraging for that reason, but I still don't think this is the sort of thing she should be doing. I don't want her to not be able to find a happy relationship because she's gained a reputation as a ****e. I'm not saying I see her that way or that I ever will, but others will judge her harshly and it may cost her opportunities in work and in love.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

She said she's always wanted to do this sort of thing but never found a means of doing so. But now she's found a way. So as far as I know it wasn't some sort of sudden thing for her. But it's still concerning.

I'm trying to not be too judgmental and discouraging for that reason, but I still don't think this is the sort of thing she should be doing. I don't want her to not be able to find a happy relationship because she's gained a reputation as a ****e. I'm not saying I see her that way or that I ever will, but others will judge her harshly and it may cost her opportunities in work and in love.

I know plenty of people that slept around in their youth, but are now in successful, happy relationships. Also, I've never known a workplace to not hire someone based on who they sleep with, I'm pretty sure that'd be illegal actually.

 

[Sensi]

Just let her do what she wants. Either like her as is or get a new friend. It might be best to just quit talking about her and worry only about your own problems. This is her life and perhaps she wouldn't even want it discussed

 

[Erzengel]

In terms of friends, I won't be shy with voicing my opinion. My friends respect what I have to say and won't get irritated if I question their motives. However, I know enough to back off once I hear what they have to say whether I agree with their decisions or not. But I don't think I'd be a true friend if I didn't say something.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

In terms of friends, I won't be shy with voicing my opinion. My friends respect what I have to say and won't get irritated if I question their motives. However, I know enough to back off once I hear what they have to say whether I agree with their decisions or not. But I don't think I'd be a true friend if I didn't say something.

I agree with that, but I think the bolded is the most important thing to get right.

You don't judge the actual actions, you just enquire about their motives and make sure they are doing it for the right reasons.

If your best friend has suddenly decided she wants to sleep around... you ask her why. You ask her if she's sure that this will make her happy, you make sure she's not doing it for a negative reason.

Just like any situation with a friend that arises, where you don't approve.

Like my best friend, deciding to get married and convert to Islam after only 6 months of knowing a guy, who happened to be Muslim and felt they were 'sinning' because he couldn't control himself around her.

I so did not think she was doing the right thing. And I couldn't understand it at all.

But I didn't tell her that, and I never said 'I don't think you should do that.'

I just asked her why she was doing it. I asked her if she was sure this was the right decision for her. And I told her i'd be there no matter what.

One of our friends expressly told her that she didn't agree with what she was doing. They aren't friends any more. Her dad refused to come to the wedding, and they don't speak anymore.

She and I, still just as close as ever.

And she's been with the guy for about 3 years now, and is still happily married and embraces the islamic faith.

My point is, even if you don't agree with something you're friend wants to do... even if it doesn't make sense to you and never will... it's HER life. And as long as you try and get her to really look at what she's doing, if she still decides it's the right thing for her, then you have no place judging her decision

 

[Anita18]

She said she's always wanted to do this sort of thing but never found a means of doing so. But now she's found a way. So as far as I know it wasn't some sort of sudden thing for her. But it's still concerning.

Er, what? As in, she can buy her own condoms and get her own BC? I don't really see how someone could suddenly "find a means" of having sex, as if they were incapable before.

I'm trying to not be too judgmental and discouraging for that reason, but I still don't think this is the sort of thing she should be doing. I don't want her to not be able to find a happy relationship because she's gained a reputation as a ****e. I'm not saying I see her that way or that I ever will, but others will judge her harshly and it may cost her opportunities in work and in love.

I think that says a lot about you than her.

It's all about how the person approaches it. Others here have talked about friends who dated/slept around and found The One while doing it. My friend hasn't, but that's because she has her own issues unrelated to the promiscuity thing. Being promiscuous hasn't held her back in work either. Dunno how it would with your friend, unless she's stupid enough to sleep around at work. But again, that's unrelated to general promiscuity, that's just stupid.

She has to live her own life. As a friend, you can be worried about her motives, but you can't make decisions for her. Especially if you have baggage about the same subject to begin with.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Er, what? As in, she can buy her own condoms and get her own BC? I don't really see how someone could suddenly "find a means" of having sex, as if they were incapable before.


I think that says a lot about you than her.

It's all about how the person approaches it. Others here have talked about friends who dated/slept around and found The One while doing it. My friend hasn't, but that's because she has her own issues unrelated to the promiscuity thing. Being promiscuous hasn't held her back in work either. Dunno how it would with your friend, unless she's stupid enough to sleep around at work. But again, that's unrelated to general promiscuity, that's just stupid.

She has to live her own life. As a friend, you can be worried about her motives, but you can't make decisions for her. Especially if you have baggage about the same subject to begin with.

I think she meant a means of finding people to sleep with. She must have found some website or something to that effect. Because she can be very shy around the opposite sex. So using the internet makes sense for her.

I'm not trying to make decisions for her, I just want her making decisions for the right reasons. And for her life to be on a good track rather than a careening fireball to nowhere.

 

[The Guard]

[quopte]I'm starting to think my best friend has lost her damn mind. She lost her virginity the other night to a guy she met online the day before. And she has a list of 7 other guys she plans on sleeping with as well. I try not to judge people, but I don't really think this is something she should be doing. What if she ends up getting pregnant or getting some disease? She says she's going to be safe, but I'm still concerned. There's no way she could handle a baby or any of the other potential consequences of what she's doing. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me.[/quote]

Sounds like she likes sex, since she has now discovered it. Having a high sex drive isn't neccessarily a bad thing. It sounds like she just wants to experiment. People have to be able to find out who they are, and this may be how she's doing it. It can seem like people are going a little nuts sometimes when their behavior changes. Encourage her to be safe, and support her as best you can, unless you really don't agree with her behavior, in which case it may be time to put some distance between you.

I don't see her as having issues finding a happy relationship because she has a reputation for being a ****e or a ****. ****es get paid for what they do, and to a guy, being ****ty often means "experienced" (with a chance of disease). But I know plenty of people who have slept around and then found love. "Nice girls" like sex too.

 

[Anita18]

I think she meant a means of finding people to sleep with. She must have found some website or something to that effect. Because she can be very shy around the opposite sex. So using the internet makes sense for her.

I'm not trying to make decisions for her, I just want her making decisions for the right reasons. And for her life to be on a good track rather than a careening fireball to nowhere.

You sound like a mom.

But unfortunately, emotional lessons have to be learned or realized first-hand. You simply can't change someone's mind by being more and more adamant about your own assertions about her life. All you can do is give her the tools/knowledge to keep herself safe and let her learn her own lessons.

 

[WillardNation]

I'm starting to think my best friend has lost her damn mind. She lost her virginity the other night to a guy she met online the day before. And she has a list of 7 other guys she plans on sleeping with as well. I try not to judge people, but I don't really think this is something she should be doing. What if she ends up getting pregnant or getting some disease? She says she's going to be safe, but I'm still concerned. There's no way she could handle a baby or any of the other potential consequences of what she's doing. I'm at a loss as to what to do. I've tried talking to her, but she won't listen to me.

More power to her. GTD.

 

[Paroxysm]

I don't have ex's, I have y's. Y the hell did I go out with her when she's bat **** crazy?

 

[Anubis]

Wow. That was clever.