The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well for one, I've never gotten to the third date before until I started dating my ex girlfriend. I've barely ever even gotten to the 2nd date. And I've never really been the type of personality to be able to go to a woman, meet her at a party or bar or some other social gathering, and whoo her on the first night to get her to sleep with me.

I don't woo anyone. I don't try. There's no such thing as "game". Game is just walking up, going for it, and probably striking out. That's it. There's no trick to do, just try, fail, move onto the next one. Sometimes you even try, succeed and move onto the next one. I was out with this girl who I've been dating. Now I'm going out for drinks with two completely different women.

 

[Darthphere]

Watch out, we got a badass over here.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

no we got ourselves an Optimus PRIME

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Nave - you posted while I was posting mine

No, I didn't ask that girl out because by the time I got back from the festival, my ex girlfriend and I were dating, so pretty much by the time I got back she was my girlfriend. Literally, I asked the first girl out like a couple days before the trip, and my ex and I were dating by the time we got back home from the trip. So it wouldn't have been good to follow up with the first girl and ask her out when I was currently dating someone else who was my girlfriend.

Oh, and I forgot to address why that other girl I like so much friend zoned me and pines over other guys that want nothing to do with her. Basically, when her and I talked, she basically told me she is incredibly picky and im just not her type. Why im not her type, she didn't say, but the guys I've seen her go after are usually tall, lanky guys with a hint of hipster qualities. I'm definitely not a skinny lanky guy, and im not even close to a hipster, more of an urban hip hop style. So unless she gets over her skinny hipster preference (btw im not saying she's wrong for that, we all have our preferences, myself included) I don't ever see her warming up to me romantically.

Well that makes sense I guess. And heck if she's got specific preferences that don't pertain to you then it's much healthier for you to focus on someone who has preferences for you.

I mean my casual encounters are NOT with "drugged up sl**s". Most recently it's been a serious law student, a Rehab Therapist/bartender/student, and a head pastry chef. So I mean women who are just real women like fun too. I'd get out of your clique a little more and you'll meet some. Not all women want some courtship ritual, in fact most will **** around with a guy they think is cute. So don't try so hard! I mean this is really simple. All women want sex unless they're weird and have a ton of psychological hang ups, and you're usually in the clear for sex after like the third date with most people your age. I really don't get what's so difficult about it.

I agree with this right here -- i mean sure, you probably do go back to a certain type (i'm sure psychologists are still toying around with this) with everyone but if you're dating with someone then it's pretty much a given that she's attracted to you on some level.

Though it's important to draw up the notion of communication here. If you're in it just to **** around you should give that impression to the other person as well, otherwise it isn't fair. I don't think I've met any girls who're willing to accept that, and very few I know who would admit to this post.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

has anyone here ever been with a girl who was ... i dunno... very cold and self-contained in a relationship to the point of being stand-offish? Does that sort of attitude work in a relationship?

 

[Hound55]

"Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you!"

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

has anyone here ever been with a girl who was ... i dunno... very cold and self-contained in a relationship to the point of being stand-offish? Does that sort of attitude work in a relationship?

Of course it does! All great relationships are built on emotional distance, awkwardness, lack of communication and empathy.

Now honestly, what do you think?

 

[Maximum Carnage]

I don't woo anyone. I don't try. There's no such thing as "game". Game is just walking up, going for it, and probably striking out. That's it. There's no trick to do, just try, fail, move onto the next one. Sometimes you even try, succeed and move onto the next one. I was out with this girl who I've been dating. Now I'm going out for drinks with two completely different women.

So you're dating a girl, yet having drinks with others?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

So you're dating a girl, yet having drinks with others?

Yes.

 

[Maximum Carnage]

Yes.

Classy. Smh.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

All this talk of crazy drugged up girls has me thinking.

Is it that you wouldn't touch a girl who has done drugs/occasionally does a little bit on a night out or at a party?

Or are we talking serious drug addict who's jacking up in the toilets?

What classifies someone as a drugged up crazy chick for you?

Normally I wouldn't recommend it. But if you're involuntarily a virgin at 29, there's clearly something about sex you fear.

I don't see why it means you're afraid of sex.

Not loosing you're virginity to just anybody is a choice. And yeah, it's possible that some people make that choice because sex is something scary to them and they wanna be comfortable with the person in order to feel safe.

But it can equally be a choice you make because you want your first time to be something special, something memorable, and a truly positive experience.

I think for two alphas to be in a relationship, they need to be flexible enough to compromise when the situation calls for it. Two "RAWR I need to be right and in charge ALL THE TIME" alphas are not going to get along well unless by some miracle, they agree on everything. I mean, does a discussion over where to go for dinner REALLY need to end up in a screaming match?

My sister I'd say is an alpha, and so is her bf. But they're not so extreme that they can't talk things out.

Also, compromise does not equal weakness. I consider myself a strong woman and I allow my bf to make some decisions for me (namely, what to eat or whatever) because I just don't care all that much.

I'd totally compromise. I mean that's the point of me wanting an alpha.

It's like my old housemate. He was so submissive I found it infuriating. I had to do everything (like bills and talking to the landlord) because he was completely useless. And he was always saying stuff like 'just don't worry about it' and never treating anything like it was a serious problem.

I can't stand that. I want someone who, if we moved in together, would do his fair share of sorting things out. Who wouldn't just expect me to handle it. And who, if I was stressed about a problem, would help me fix it! Instead of just telling me it didn't matter.

I mean, I am an independant person and I can take care of myself. But I don't wanna shoulder all the responsibility in a relationship. It's gotta be someone equally as capable.

P.S.: I'm not complaining about any of this. I'm merely elaborating on Guard's question on why I've been friend zoned or rejected by all these girls. This wasn't a ***** or feel sorry for myself session.

Being friend zoned is like the story of my life It's really difficult, and if you find it happens to you a lot like it does to me, I think the best thing is just to find someone through 'dating'.

Whether it be online or speed dating or whatever. Just a situation where there is literally no option for friendship. You both go in knowing you're looking for a romantic partner.

When I actually start looking for someone I'm gonna do the same.

I'm not really looking at the moment though. I'm happy with my life and focused on the new direction it's taking. And I'm genuinely looking forward to some time by myself away from friends who I feel like have been dragging me down in the gutter with them.

That's sensible really, you want someone who's mature enough to exercise balance. But again, it does take time for any party to get to know the other person well enough to understand what is expected of them. For me the ideal girl would be someone who values emotions and also gets where i'm coming from. Power games shouldn't EXIST if people are willing to accept that you do need to give people their own space and solitude when they need it.
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Definitely. I mean, some people are looking for the immediate co-dependant, see each other every minute of the day relationship. All I'd be looking for, at least for now, would be a couple of nights a week.

As for the understanding expectations thing, that's a hard one.

Because what I want from a guy, and what I project without even realising it, are sometimes two different things.

Like I come across as this 'I open my own doors' women , but I love it when a guy walks you home. Or when he won't let you pay for a drink.

And I might sometimes come across as someone who doesn't like getting 'heavy' or too emotional. But I'm a complete sentimental softie. I cry at adverts, and holding hands is honestly one of my favourite things about being in a relationship.

Yes.

Does the girl you're dating know you see other women?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Classy. Smh.

I'm dating someone but I'm not in a relationship. There's nothing at all wrong with this. We're f***ing right now but we've had the exclusivity talk twice and I don't wish to be exclusive yet, so we're not.

They invited me and they're very hot, but I've known them for a while. One of them is shooting me really strong signals though. I mean I'm 27 so I'm in no rush. I date around and sometimes that bites me in the ass. Better now than when I'm in something super committed.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

hopeful: my definition is the latter. I mean seriously, this girl that I'm talking about does not have her life together in any kind of fashion.

I don't care if a girl has done drugs in the past, or occasionally, that's not an issue. No, I mean this girl is on the verge of throwing her entire life down the ****ter. Even friends in real life who are just trying to see me get laid are like "yea, you're better off not getting mixed up with that girl".

 

[Anubis]

I say go for it.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

hopeful: my definition is the latter. I mean seriously, this girl that I'm talking about does not have her life together in any kind of fashion.

I don't care if a girl has done drugs in the past, or occasionally, that's not an issue. No, I mean this girl is on the verge of throwing her entire life down the ****ter.

I'm kind of curious on the specifics here, but I know tons of girls who fit that description.

Personally I would do so much investigative reporting on these girls. People don't like that. There's still a lot I don't know about women when I'm dating them. The more I do know, the more I'm thrown off. Like the girl last night was definitely into me and I'll have other shots but she's out in our group, and their are lots of people we know around. No freedom. Lots of situations are like that, many are not. So just because I can't do anything now I have her number. Act later.

This seems to me to be the problem with a lot here actually. You have horrible timing and you don't tailor your offer if circumstances change. You don't listen. When they seem like they want space, give them space. Let them come to you a little bit.

Hell, I may see what the bartender from last night is doing because you know what she threw me some signals last night, I could tell she was very relaxed around me, and we've made out before. So just f***in go for it.

I live by the words of Robert Downey Jr: "smile, listen, agree and then do whatever the f*** you wanted to do".

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well that makes sense I guess. And heck if she's got specific preferences that don't pertain to you then it's much healthier for you to focus on someone who has preferences for you.

I think you're mixed up on a couple girls (not that it really matters, my OCD is just kicking in, heh).

Girl 1 - I have a huge crush on, and have for probably about 2 years now. This is the girl that pines helplessly over the guys that want nothing to do with her (in fact, at a party one time one of the guys she was after, a friend of mine, was telling me to hit on her because he was trying to keep her away from him), and the one time I had told her I had a crush on her (it was during a conversation while we were both talking about relationships, our love lives, and just in general kind of sharing secrets about each other to each other, and I had told her that I had had a crush on her for awhile) she told me I wasn't her type, but it was because she was real picky about guys.

Girl 2 - This is the girl that before leaving to go to the festival, I had bought the drink for and very tentatively made plans with her to go to dinner at a restaurant she talked about wanting to go to. This was the girl that I said was "cute, fun, and single" so I thought "why not", and then was later stopped from pursuing by, what did Guard call her, "Don't Cock Block Girl"? No more than a week after this, I was out of state, at the festival where I met my to-be girlfriend, and was dating her by the time we got back from the festival, so I never followed up on that very tentative date since I was already dating somebody else exclusively.

On somewhat of another note, however, how inappropriate or creepy is it to text someone and get in touch with them when the phone number was given, and only previously used, for business purposes?

Minor backstory - this past semester I was directing a show. I ended up casting this girl in the show, and that's how I have her number, there was only texting and calling in relation to the show. However, that said, in person we had a friendly dynamic, of course after the show there'd be friendly banter and conversation, and I feel there was enough interest there that, at the time if I had asked her out, she definitely would have said yes. However, I was dating my ex at the time, so obviously that was out of the question. Well, now I'm not dating my ex anymore, but I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate or creepy to shoot this girl a text message, something along the lines of asking about her summer and such, real casual, and then asking her out.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I think you're mixed up on a couple girls (not that it really matters, my OCD is just kicking in, heh).

Girl 1 - I have a huge crush on, and have for probably about 2 years now. This is the girl that pines helplessly over the guys that want nothing to do with her (in fact, at a party one time one of the guys she was after, a friend of mine, was telling me to hit on her because he was trying to keep her away from him), and the one time I had told her I had a crush on her (it was during a conversation while we were both talking about relationships, our love lives, and just in general kind of sharing secrets about each other to each other, and I had told her that I had had a crush on her for awhile) she told me I wasn't her type, but it was because she was real picky about guys.
.

Everyone pines after people they can't have. The difference is some of us realizes those 'crushes' are meaningless fantasies and opt to live in reality instead.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

On somewhat of another note, however, how inappropriate or creepy is it to text someone and get in touch with them when the phone number was given, and only previously used, for business purposes?

Minor backstory - this past semester I was directing a show. I ended up casting this girl in the show, and that's how I have her number, there was only texting and calling in relation to the show. However, that said, in person we had a friendly dynamic, of course after the show there'd be friendly banter and conversation, and I feel there was enough interest there that, at the time if I had asked her out, she definitely would have said yes. However, I was dating my ex at the time, so obviously that was out of the question. Well, now I'm not dating my ex anymore, but I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate or creepy to shoot this girl a text message, something along the lines of asking about her summer and such, real casual, and then asking her out.

Sounds totally non creepy to me, go for it

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Everyone pines after people they can't have. The difference is some of us realizes those 'crushes' are meaningless fantasies and opt to live in reality instead.

She can pine over whoever she wants, I'm not really trying to judge her on the guys that she likes. Sucks for me that I'm not on that list, but c'est la vie.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

She can pine over whoever she wants, I'm not really trying to judge her on the guys that she likes. Sucks for me that I'm not on that list, but c'est la vie.

How do you know you're "not on a list". This is what I mean when I say you're insecure. You'd have no idea who's list you're on or not. You keep trying to 'get on this list'. There is no list. No one has a list, ever. I don't have a list. How could I? I meet new people like everyday. If she pines after guys she can't (i.e. doesn't - read between the lines) then she's not being straight with them, what makes you so sure she's straight with you. If she liked you and she plays games with these guys then she's probably gonna play games with you.

 

[Anita18]

I'd totally compromise. I mean that's the point of me wanting an alpha.

It's like my old housemate. He was so submissive I found it infuriating. I had to do everything (like bills and talking to the landlord) because he was completely useless. And he was always saying stuff like 'just don't worry about it' and never treating anything like it was a serious problem.

I can't stand that. I want someone who, if we moved in together, would do his fair share of sorting things out. Who wouldn't just expect me to handle it. And who, if I was stressed about a problem, would help me fix it! Instead of just telling me it didn't matter.

I mean, I am an independant person and I can take care of myself. But I don't wanna shoulder all the responsibility in a relationship. It's gotta be someone equally as capable.

I don't believe for a second that only alphas will fit the bill for you. There's quite a scale between being a submissive "don't care about anything" doormat and a strongly opinionated "always has to be right" alpha.

Like my bf would not be considered an alpha in the least - he's never a leader in a given group, but he doesn't turn to other people for help either. He just does his own thing. He has qualities of both.

I dunno, I guess we have different ideas as to what the definition of "alpha" is. I have been around strongly opinionated people who always need to be in charge, like my sister, who ended up a foreperson of a jury even though she was very likely the youngest person there, and it didn't surprise me one bit. THAT to me is a bona fide alpha. I wouldn't consider someone simply able to assert themselves in a minor manner to be an alpha.

Being friend zoned is like the story of my life It's really difficult, and if you find it happens to you a lot like it does to me, I think the best thing is just to find someone through 'dating'.

Whether it be online or speed dating or whatever. Just a situation where there is literally no option for friendship. You both go in knowing you're looking for a romantic partner.

When I actually start looking for someone I'm gonna do the same.

Right. That's why I looked online for a relationship, because I really can't stand the games of "does he like me or not." Nell could be limiting himself to the women he knows well, while there could be a bunch of women who could be equally or more compatible out there.

 

[Figs]

Anyone in a long term relationship ever get bored of sex after awhile? I think my girl and I need to spice things up. It's been a few months and I just don't really have the urge anymore.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Of course it does! All great relationships are built on emotional distance, awkwardness, lack of communication and empathy.

Now honestly, what do you think?

No obviously I don't think that'll work out but i don't have the personal experience to back that opinion up. I'm looking at a lot of girls who are Bella-Swan bland, and was wondering how that resonated in a relationship. Colour me curious.

I don't see why it means you're afraid of sex. [...]

Whether it be online or speed dating or whatever. Just a situation where there is literally no option for friendship. You both go in knowing you're looking for a romantic partner.

I'm not really looking at the moment though. I'm happy with my life and focused on the new direction it's taking. And I'm genuinely looking forward to some time by myself away from friends who I feel like have been dragging me down in the gutter with them.

This is me. All three points of.

Definitely. I mean, some people are looking for the immediate co-dependant, see each other every minute of the day relationship. All I'd be looking for, at least for now, would be a couple of nights a week.

As for the understanding expectations thing, that's a hard one.

Because what I want from a guy, and what I project without even realising it, are sometimes two different things.

Like I come across as this 'I open my own doors' women , but I love it when a guy walks you home. Or when he won't let you pay for a drink.

And I might sometimes come across as someone who doesn't like getting 'heavy' or too emotional. But I'm a complete sentimental softie. I cry at adverts, and holding hands is honestly one of my favourite things about being in a relationship.

Well yeah but then you start noticing that the guy you're not-attracted to is opening doors and paying for your drinks and you'd label him a creep and stay the eff away But heck, I'd do the same with a girl i'm not feeling for so yeah.

As for projection and wanting your emotions acknowledged, I think it's something that fails in the majority of the time but something that's important that shouldn't be so.

On somewhat of another note, however, how inappropriate or creepy is it to text someone and get in touch with them when the phone number was given, and only previously used, for business purposes?

Minor backstory - this past semester I was directing a show. I ended up casting this girl in the show, and that's how I have her number, there was only texting and calling in relation to the show. However, that said, in person we had a friendly dynamic, of course after the show there'd be friendly banter and conversation, and I feel there was enough interest there that, at the time if I had asked her out, she definitely would have said yes. However, I was dating my ex at the time, so obviously that was out of the question. Well, now I'm not dating my ex anymore, but I'm wondering if it would be inappropriate or creepy to shoot this girl a text message, something along the lines of asking about her summer and such, real casual, and then asking her out.

Well I'm glad you're over the festival fiasco. The text-messaging approach seems harmless and not creepy at all. I'd say go for it.

Everyone pines after people they can't have. The difference is some of us realizes those 'crushes' are meaningless fantasies and opt to live in reality instead.

True. But what constitutes as reality? When you're looking for a relationship it certainly can't be sex-binges.

How do you know you're "not on a list". This is what I mean when I say you're insecure. You'd have no idea who's list you're on or not. You keep trying to 'get on this list'. There is no list. No one has a list, ever. I don't have a list. How could I? I meet new people like everyday. If she pines after guys she can't (i.e. doesn't - read between the lines) then she's not being straight with them, what makes you so sure she's straight with you. If she liked you and she plays games with these guys then she's probably gonna play games with you.

Not true. People have a list.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

How do you know you're "not on a list". This is what I mean when I say you're insecure. You'd have no idea who's list you're on or not. You keep trying to 'get on this list'. There is no list. No one has a list, ever. I don't have a list. How could I? I meet new people like everyday. If she pines after guys she can't (i.e. doesn't - read between the lines) then she's not being straight with them, what makes you so sure she's straight with you. If she liked you and she plays games with these guys then she's probably gonna play games with you.

Um... it's not insecurity... it's her flat out telling me that she doesn't look at me like that and I'm not her type. It's her never showing a single sign of interest in me romantically, like, ever. That's not insecurity, that's just reading the signs. Insecurity would be devaluing my own self worth because this girl doesn't like me. I'm not her type, as stated by her directly to me, and that's okay.

Who says she's playing games with these guys? By everything I've witnessed myself, she hasn't played games with these guys. She gets emotionally attached to these guys, and and they simply aren't into her. That's not really playing games, so I have no reason to believe that she's playing games with me when she tells me that I'm not her type, and has a total negative reaction to any kind of flirting I do with her, or sexual comments or anything.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

How do you know you're "not on a list". This is what I mean when I say you're insecure. You'd have no idea who's list you're on or not. You keep trying to 'get on this list'. There is no list. No one has a list, ever. I don't have a list. How could I? I meet new people like everyday. If she pines after guys she can't (i.e. doesn't - read between the lines) then she's not being straight with them, what makes you so sure she's straight with you. If she liked you and she plays games with these guys then she's probably gonna play games with you.

He knows because he literally told her he had a crush on her and she turned him down... how was that not clear?

Being down on yourself and always thinking people aren't interested in you without any real evidence is bad sometimes... i'm very guilty of it myself.

But it's equally bad to keep trying with someone who has flat out turned you down. You're only gonna come across kind of stalkerish and probably loose you're friendship with the girl.