The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Anita18]

Remember kids, if you're a virgin past the arbitrarily picked age of 22, you're a freak and or loser. Don't be a freak and or loser. The clock is ticking.

Hey back in the Stone Ages you died at 30 anyway, so you might as well get it on as soon as you could get it up.

 

[SpideyVille]

Remember kids, if you're a virgin past the arbitrarily picked age of 22, you're a freak and or loser. Don't be a freak and or loser. The clock is ticking.

But I'm 23! Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

 

[Darthphere]

But I'm 23! Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

FREAK and or LOSER!

 

[DV8]

But I'm 23! Oh No!!!!!!!!!!

might as well kill yourself now

 

[Darthphere]

I mean, you must be some pariah or something to be 23 and never gotten laid. This world no longer needs your services.

 

[DV8]

and by "services" he means "your semen on your belly"

 

[Darthphere]

I mean at this point Optimus way up on his high horse wouldn't even think of having an erection around a 23 year old virgin.

 

[Erzengel]

A bunch of my friends passed 22 without having lost their virginity. Even my sister is a social butterfly and the same with her. My ex-bf was one of them too. I lost mine at 25 and I don't feel bad about it. I was perfectly aware that I'm not average but going out with the idea that I was going to lose my virginity RIGHT NOW come hell or high water would definitely be the wrong way to go about it, for me.

My circle of friends are just extremely picky, and don't give in easily to "animalistic urges."

And no, we're probably not "normal" either. But we're in school or have jobs and are productive members of society and are otherwise normal. So sex life or lack thereof doesn't really say THAT much about you. Really.

Most of the people in my life lost theirs in their teens.

I don't think there should be an arbitrary age, someone's ready when they are ready or in most cases when the opportunity first presents itself.

However, I think there's a little bit more pressure for guys the older they get whether it be social, peer and/or self than girls.

 

[Anita18]

Most of the people in my life lost theirs in their teens.

I don't think there should be an arbitrary age, someone's ready when they are ready or in most cases when the opportunity first presents itself.

However, I think there's a little bit more pressure for guys the older they get whether it be social, peer and/or self than girls.

Right. I remember my ex-bf was in a bad place over that.

But now he's happily married and going to one of the best business schools in the country, so it didn't really mean anything.

 

[Darthphere]

I bet you he's a weirdo though.

 

[Anita18]

I bet you he's a weirdo though.

If he is, then what am I?

 

[Anita18]

I don't know about that. You do complain about it, a lot, and I'm not going to do the work to dig up the specific posts but I've definitely read them.

Honestly, ATP said it once and she was very right: if you're 22 and haven't gotten laid you're definitely not "normal". I mean all the hooker talk is a little tongue and cheak, but if you don't find your virginity off-putting you should. Most people lose their virginity not trying to lose it. People who take chastity vows probably thought they were going over to that person's house to play scrabble, in many cases both parties probably think their innocuous date won't end in sex. Sex just happens. A lack of sex, in my experience, really indicates a lack of "normal" social circles. I imagine even amongst your own circle of friends you're not the "popular one" who proposes lots of fun things to do. You may even be one of those people who is bad at maintaining friendships between the same sex. I find those go hand in hand.

Also, ATP said no such thing. She said it would bother her if someone DEFINED themselves as a virgin before anything else about them.

Definitely depends on the person, but I still think that anyone who attaches "virgin" as a defining description of themselves to everyone would be a turn off to a lot of people. Not that there's anything wrong with the virginity aspect, but it is awkward when someone makes it a huge deal. Like, "hello, I'm 24, enjoy music and dancing, am a successful banker, and oh, I'm a virgin in case you hadn't heard yet."

http://forums.superherohype.com/showpost.php?p=22487913&postcount=446

HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH HER NAME!

 

[Darthphere]

If he is, then what am I?

A deviant.

 

[Erzengel]

Also, ATP said no such thing. She said it would bother her if someone DEFINED themselves as a virgin before anything else about them.


http://forums.superherohype.com/showpost.php?p=22487913&postcount=446

HOW DARE YOU BESMIRCH HER NAME!

I do agree with what ATP said but I think it can go a little further and be a turn off for a lot (a lot NOT all) girls who might be apprehensive of being with a guy who had very limited sexual experience.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I do agree with what ATP said but I think it can go a little further and be a turn off for a lot (a lot NOT all) girls who might be apprehensive of being with a guy who had very limited sexual experience.

I could never find the post - but it was in response to Enterthemadness. I probably should have added that in for context.

 

[Anita18]

I do agree with what ATP said but I think it can go a little further and be a turn off for a lot (a lot NOT all) girls who might be apprehensive of being with a guy who had very limited sexual experience.

I liked how you added the disclaimer just for me.

I could never find the post - but it was in response to Enterthemadness. I probably should have added that in for context.

Yeah, cause she didn't mean it the way you spun it. At all.

 

[SpideyVille]

I do agree with what ATP said but I think it can go a little further and be a turn off for a lot (a lot NOT all) girls who might be apprehensive of being with a guy who had very limited sexual experience.

Yeah, I know a guy who always makes sure that he mentions he is a virgin or has never had a girlfriend or whatever, and how 40 Year Old Virgin is a biography of his life and stuff, and it pisses me off because he does it in a way where its like he's trying to make people feel bad for him, but in reality, people, especially girls, hate being around him.

Yeah, cause she didn't mean it the way you spun it. At all.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I'm gonna go with hopeful here, sometimes it just becomes annoying and patronizing.

So I'm still a virgin - it really seems like a bigger deal to everyone else than it is to me. Would I prefer not being a virgin? Yes. Is it really that big of a deal to me that I am? No.

I have had opportunities, that I have turned down both intentionally and unintentionally. I regret the unintentional turn downs, because obviously that's not what I meant to happen. But I have intentionally turned down opportunities for sex because, for whatever reasons, I wasn't feeling the situation. And no, I'm not worried about sex to the point that I just wanna go out and get it from whatever drunk girl is willing to give it.

The fact that I just got out of a relationships proves that there are girls out there for me. The fact that I was in a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl, and my past experience which wasn't so much a relationship as it was an affair was with another incredibly attractive girl proves that I can get girls that I am attracted to. That was my biggest worry in the past that yea, I could get girls, but I'd have to "settle" for someone that I didn't want, someone that I wasn't attracted to. It might sound shallow that I'm talking about the physical attractiveness of someone, but I find it to be important, just as important as everything else. For what it's worth, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl who had nothing else to offer outside of just sex. Which is one reason why I was willing to wait it out with my ex girlfriend, because she had a lot to offer as a person.

The past 2 or 3 pages have been everyone debating about my lack of confidence because I haven't been laid yet, but the fact is, I just got out of a relationship which is a HUGE step for me, the one thing I had been looking for, and I finally accomplished it. Even if it didn't work out, if you think that did nothing for my confidence, you are sadly mistaken. I still might not be Barney Stinson in the area of confidence, but the fact is, I finally got over my largest hurdle like, in life period, the one thing I felt I couldn't accomplish, and I accomplished it. Now I know I can.

I just find it funny how obsessed this thread is with my virginity and my relationships, when I'm not even torn up about it. I mean, I could understand if I came to this thread whining and crying about my virginity and relationship status (which I used to, very much so, I think it's safe to say I've come a long ways in this thread), but I don't. I was in a relationship for the past 3 months - I asked some questions on how to deal with certain situations. It was my first legitimate relationship, and I didn't know how to handle a lot of things. The relationship ended, and I haven't gone into a depressed stupor. Her and I gave it a shot, and it didn't work out. No hard feelings, no grudges, it's time to just chalk it up as an experience and move on to the next experience.

But the attitude seems to be like I'm in some depressed rut that I can't get out of, when I'd say I actually just got out of my rut by actually getting into a relationship in the first place. I actually feel pretty good about my love life right now.

............

Man, Nell, you are so sexually frustrated.

 

[enterthemadness]

I bet you he's a weirdo though.

I can't think like that, it usually leads me to losing my mind for a bit/depressed. Hence, one reason I'm a tv addict. And thankfully I got two classes this summer. I should just become like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and be asexual. It's just easier to become busy than to think about something unlikely to happen.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm gonna go with hopeful here.

A wise choice

Sometimes it just becomes annoying and patronizing.

So I'm still a virgin - it really seems like a bigger deal to everyone else than it is to me. Would I prefer not being a virgin? Yes. Is it really that big of a deal to me that I am? No.

I have had opportunities, that I have turned down both intentionally and unintentionally. I regret the unintentional turn downs, because obviously that's not what I meant to happen. But I have intentionally turned down opportunities for sex because, for whatever reasons, I wasn't feeling the situation. And no, I'm not worried about sex to the point that I just wanna go out and get it from whatever drunk girl is willing to give it.

The fact that I just got out of a relationships proves that there are girls out there for me. The fact that I was in a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl, and my past experience which wasn't so much a relationship as it was an affair was with another incredibly attractive girl proves that I can get girls that I am attracted to. That was my biggest worry in the past that yea, I could get girls, but I'd have to "settle" for someone that I didn't want, someone that I wasn't attracted to. It might sound shallow that I'm talking about the physical attractiveness of someone, but I find it to be important, just as important as everything else. For what it's worth, I wouldn't pursue a relationship with an incredibly attractive girl who had nothing else to offer outside of just sex. Which is one reason why I was willing to wait it out with my ex girlfriend, because she had a lot to offer as a person.

The past 2 or 3 pages have been everyone debating about my lack of confidence because I haven't been laid yet, but the fact is, I just got out of a relationship which is a HUGE step for me, the one thing I had been looking for, and I finally accomplished it. Even if it didn't work out, if you think that did nothing for my confidence, you are sadly mistaken. I still might not be Barney Stinson in the area of confidence, but the fact is, I finally got over my largest hurdle like, in life period, the one thing I felt I couldn't accomplish, and I accomplished it. Now I know I can.

I just find it funny how obsessed this thread is with my virginity and my relationships, when I'm not even torn up about it. I mean, I could understand if I came to this thread whining and crying about my virginity and relationship status (which I used to, very much so, I think it's safe to say I've come a long ways in this thread), but I don't. I was in a relationship for the past 3 months - I asked some questions on how to deal with certain situations. It was my first legitimate relationship, and I didn't know how to handle a lot of things. The relationship ended, and I haven't gone into a depressed stupor. Her and I gave it a shot, and it didn't work out. No hard feelings, no grudges, it's time to just chalk it up as an experience and move on to the next experience.

But the attitude seems to be like I'm in some depressed rut that I can't get out of, when I'd say I actually just got out of my rut by actually getting into a relationship in the first place. I actually feel pretty good about my love life right now.

Honestly, I think if I could go back and get mine back I would.

I valued my virginity, and I THOUGHT I was loosing it to someone I trusted in a loving relationship (which was all that mattered). But I wasn't.

I mean, i've had some fun experiences and some weird experiences since then. Had a fling with an older man that was pretty hot for a while. Had sex on a pool table. Had a couple of threesomes... also at times felt a bit like a bicicyle, where I was just sort of being used for sex. Had experiences that literally had me throwing up when I got home cause I really didn't like the guy at all and felt sick thinking about it. Had experiences where i'm like 'wow, where am I and who the heck is that guy?'

And all that happened because I stopped giving a crap about sex after I felt like the way i'd valued it had been stomped all over and there was nothing I could do about it. It was like this giant 'well **** it then, it doesn't mean anything does it.'

If I could change that, I so would.

I'd rather give up all the good experiences i've had, if it meant I could have my virginity be what I wanted it to be.

You are so not in need of any 'normal' guys tips of advice on 'how to get laid'.

You're doing everything right, for you IMO. And there isn't this big hurry. It's NOT as big of a deal as people think it is.

Remember kids, if you're a virgin past the arbitrarily picked age of 22, you're a freak and or loser. Don't be a freak and or loser. The clock is ticking.

I do agree with what ATP said but I think it can go a little further and be a turn off for a lot (a lot NOT all) girls who might be apprehensive of being with a guy who had very limited sexual experience.

Depends on the guy.

I mean, if I found a guy who acted all confident and cocky and then it turned out he has this secret sensitive side and he'd been waiting for the right girl... that'd be totally HOT!

Of course, it'd probably be a lie to get me into bed

Yeah, I know a guy who always makes sure that he mentions he is a virgin or has never had a girlfriend or whatever, and how 40 Year Old Virgin is a biography of his life and stuff, and it pisses me off because he does it in a way where its like he's trying to make people feel bad for him, but in reality, people, especially girls, hate being around him.

Yeah that is definitely bad.

Being a virgin doesn't even need to come up at all, until you're actually going to do it.

 

[Anita18]

I can't think like that, it usually leads me to losing my mind for a bit/depressed. Hence, one reason I'm a tv addict. And thankfully I got two classes this summer. I should just become like Sheldon from Big Bang Theory and be asexual. It's just easier to become busy than to think about something unlikely to happen.

Well, it's generally better to keep busy living your life instead of pining for someone to like you. People can usually smell desperation from miles away.

And it's ok to be a weirdo. Everybody has their quirks. You just gotta find someone on the same weirdo wavelength.

Honestly, I think if I could go back and get mine back I would.

I valued my virginity, and I THOUGHT I was loosing it to someone I trusted in a loving relationship (which was all that mattered). But I wasn't.

I mean, i've had some fun experiences and some weird experiences since then. Had a fling with an older man that was pretty hot for a while. Had sex on a pool table. Had a couple of threesomes... also at times felt a bit like a bicicyle, where I was just sort of being used for sex. Had experiences that literally had me throwing up when I got home cause I really didn't like the guy at all and felt sick thinking about it. Had experiences where i'm like 'wow, where am I and who the heck is that guy?'

And all that happened because I stopped giving a crap about sex after I felt like the way i'd valued it had been stomped all over and there was nothing I could do about it. It was like this giant 'well **** it then, it doesn't mean anything does it.'

If I could change that, I so would.

I'd rather give up all the good experiences i've had, if it meant I could have my virginity be what I wanted it to be.

You still can make the decision now to have your sex life matter to you. It's true, you can't change the past. Hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe you really did trust him for that first time, and it was all good. What transpired afterwards in the relationship doesn't invalidate that moment you both had. Just because he was confused about his sexuality doesn't mean the whole thing was a sham and that nothing about it mattered. In that moment, it did. That's the most important part.

I dunno, I'm a huge believer in taking things one at a time. You're not trapped in making the same decisions every time, making the same mistakes every time. You can choose.

Depends on the guy.

I mean, if I found a guy who acted all confident and cocky and then it turned out he has this secret sensitive side and he'd been waiting for the right girl... that'd be totally HOT!

Of course, it'd probably be a lie to get me into bed

Yeah, that basically describes my ex-bf. Although his secret sensitive side was extremely low self-esteem (which he was hiding with arrogance) and it didn't help that I was the same way, although hiding it less.

Yeah that is definitely bad.

Being a virgin doesn't even need to come up at all, until you're actually going to do it.

I only told my bf before we got physical so he wouldn't go in with guns blazing.

If you're a guy, it really doesn't matter as long as you know which hole to stick it in. Having prior experience didn't allay my bf's nervousness the first couple of times we tried to get it on.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You still can make the decision now to have your sex life matter to you. It's true, you can't change the past. Hindsight is always 20/20. Maybe you really did trust him for that first time, and it was all good. What transpired afterwards in the relationship doesn't invalidate that moment you both had. Just because he was confused about his sexuality doesn't mean the whole thing was a sham and that nothing about it mattered. In that moment, it did. That's the most important part.

I dunno, I'm a huge believer in taking things one at a time. You're not trapped in making the same decisions every time, making the same mistakes every time. You can choose.

I know that now And it's something I've made a conscious decision to change, about 2 weeks ago.

I'm not getting drunk, I'm totally not doing any drugs, and I'm not sleeping with anyone until I'm in a relationship.

And since implementing that, I feel so much better in myself. Calmer. Less messy.

I mean, I was sat at the bar at 10 last night. All my friends were wasted, wide eyes, gurning and hyper and I had had 3 drinks and I just didn't even wanna sit with them.

So I just sat at the bar chatting to some of the locals.

But it felt better. Cause I really don't belong it that world. I never did. I was just trying to fit cause I thought it was my only choice. And the closer I get to leaving, the more I realise I really am not going to miss any of it, or any of them (bar my best friend).

Yeah, that basically describes my ex-bf. Although his secret sensitive side was extremely low self-esteem (which he was hiding with arrogance) and it didn't help that I was the same way, although hiding it less.

Yeah, tbh it pretty much describes most of the guys I've liked

I only told my bf before we got physical so he wouldn't go in with guns blazing.

If you're a guy, it really doesn't matter as long as you know which hole to stick it in. Having prior experience didn't allay my bf's nervousness the first couple of times we tried to get it on.

Well yeah I suppose you might mention it so the person understands you're wanting to take it slow. I just meant it's certainly not something that needs to be mentioned on a date.

It should come up when sex comes up.

*waits for 'comes up' jokes*

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

I realize there's a bit of a back-and-forth between the guys and the gals about how important losing one's virginity is. I will say this, I DO think losing virginity is more important to guys than girls. It's often used as a measure of manhood. Girls are bullied for being too promiscuous ("****", "****e", etc), but guys would never get that. They're bullied for the very opposite. If you're a man being a virgin is a real stigma in college and post-college days. They recieve pressure to lose it that girls never would. I'm not saying girls wouldn't recieve some pressure or be bullied for remaining a virgin, but I don't think it's comparable to what guys have to deal with. I hope that doesn't sound sexist, but that's my honest opinion on the matter.

So I don't think it's entirely fairy to tell Nell that losing his virginity isn't important, because it wasn't as important to you. From a guy's perspective, I do think for his own psychological well-being he should try to lose it as quickly as possible. Hanging on to it can really hamper your future sex-life and overall quality of life. I lost it at 19 and it wasn't until I was 21 that I was really comfortable with the opposite sex and I really wish I could have lost it sooner and gained that confidence earlier. Because I missed out on a lot of fun, felt sorry for myself, felt different and inferior and generally suffered for having held on to it even that long.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I realize there's a bit of a back-and-forth between the guys and the gals about how important losing one's virginity is. I will say this, I DO think losing virginity is more important to guys than girls. It's often used as a measure of manhood. Girls are bullied for being too promiscuous ("****", "****e", etc), but guys would never get that. They're bullied for the very opposite. If you're a man being a virgin is a real stigma in college and post-college days. They recieve pressure to lose it that girls never would. I'm not saying girls wouldn't recieve some pressure or be bullied for remaining a virgin, but I don't think it's comparable to what guys have to deal with. I hope that doesn't sound sexist, but that's my honest opinion on the matter.

So I don't think it's entirely fairy to tell Nell that losing his virginity isn't important, because it wasn't as important to you From a guy's perspective, I do think for his own psychological well-being he should try to lose it as quickly as possible. Hanging on to it can really hamper your future sex-life and overall quality of life. I lost it at 19 and it wasn't until I was 21 that I was really comfortable with the opposite sex and I really wish I could have lost it sooner and gained that confidence earlier. Because I missed out on a lot of fun, felt sorry for myself, felt different and inferior and generally suffered for having held on to it even that long.

But I'm not telling him that loosing his virginity isn't that important because it wasn't important to me

He's just saying it's not important to him, and I'm saying that's fine.

I'm saying that if loosing his virginity really isn't that important too him (which is what he's been saying and everyone else seems to be ignoring), then carry on at the pace he is. Don't rush it. Take as long as you want to find the right person and have it not be an experience you regret. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable going at your own pace.

You guys are the one suggesting he has to get laid to save his sanity But that's based on you're experience, not his.

FYI It was a huge deal for me. I felt like a right weirdo, cause all my friends had done it. Just not enough that I'd lower my standards to get laid or buy an escort though.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

But I'm not telling him that loosing his virginity isn't that important because it wasn't important to me

But you're approaching it from a female perspective, which was my point.

He's just saying it's not important to him, and I'm saying that's fine.

I kidded myself the same way. I think that's a self-defense mechanism. If it truly wasn't important we wouldn't know about it.

I'm saying that if loosing his virginity really isn't that important too him (which is what he's been saying and everyone else seems to be ignoring), then carry on at the pace he is. Don't rush it. Take as long as you want to find the right person and have it not be an experience you regret. There is nothing wrong with being comfortable going at your own pace.

Sometimes you can't find the right person if you "take as long as you want", because maybe you do spot the right person, but you're wracked with insecurity ("what if I can't last long enough?", "what if she laughs if I tell her I'm a virgin?" etc) and that self-doubt is usually enough to make you miss out on some opportunities.

You guys are the one suggesting he has to get laid to save his sanity But that's based on you're experience, not his.

At the risk of igniting a war of the sexes, I believe our experience is closer to his than your's.

FYI It was a huge deal for me. I felt like a right weirdo, cause all my friends had done it. Just not enough that I'd lower my standards to get laid or buy an escort though.

See? That right there lies the difference. I wanted to lose it so badly I would lower my standards. And I did. I still shudder about it. But I don't regret it, because you know what, it put me on a much better road and improved my confidence enough that it was worth it. And I'd recommend the same thing to Nell. This "make your first time special" stuff is Hollywood crap. At 29 your objective should be just to lose it any way you can.