The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Nave 'Torment']

So you guys remember that girl who friendzoned me after 3 dates and said that she was still hung on her non-ex-BF and then vowed to leave college? I had a really hard time getting her off of my mind, but it helped that I hadn't seen her around for a good long while--and when i did i tried my best to not initiate any conversations because, y'know **** it.

Well, she apparently decided to come back to college and ... well... is half of the courses i'm enrolled in. It's too late to change courses and it's not like I want to do that anyway. So I kept my distance, knowing full well that she really didn't have much of place for me anyway. I kept things, apparently, too casual because some of the other friends (and even one really close professor) pointed out that we used to be glued together all the time and suddenly, even in the same class we're like miles apart. We've hung around this teacher ever since we started college together so yeah, his point is kinda valid. He didn't push or anything, but he felt like he needed to ask me about it. Anyway, so she kept up being "friendly" and then when another friend of ours asked me "if things are okay between us" i told her that yeah we're friendly, but i wouldn't want to get too friendly because, heck, there's too much that happened in between.

Skip a few weeks, I had missed a few classes, and today when I went back she asks me how i was and why i'd been missing classes and if it's because she had decided to come back. I said no. Asked her about herself and... welll... we started to talk. She... um... pulled a text-book "friendzoner" and started crying and told me how the new guy she's with (yes her old STILL non-ex-bF because, apparently, she told him about her feelings and he said THEY'd just be friends but still persisted on keeping her in a "loop" and whenever she tries now to push him away apparently he harrasses her with texts and phone-calls... see where this is going?) She got really emotional and said that at least when she was with me SHE never kept things ambiguous, and I agreed -- told her yes it helped that I didn't have to see her around. It was hard, getting over someone, especially when you like them so much, always is, but that it's possible and if she feels that this guy is manipulating her and "evil" (she kept using those terms) that she should. She said that at least when she told me that it wouldnt work i listened. etc.. she kept saying how the only reason he's able to "manipulate" her like that is because she has no one to talk to at night (which is actually true because her best friend left the city and...well... she isn't really the social type). I asked her for her number again and told her that i'd deleted it, she smiled at that, said she didn't delete mine? I told her to call me up if she ever felt like talking and then left.

Thing is.. i feel a little small about myself for easily giving into her again. I'm certain she doesn't want to get "back together" or anything because, hell, it's still obvious where her heart is.

Long story short: she broke down in front of me, said her guy is being evil, said nice things about me, and traded numbers.

What do you think? Should I do anything with her or just drop cold again? What would Bruce Wayne do? :P

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I have a temper, I'm the first one to admit that. But things go a lot smoother of people just let me make my own decisions about activities and whatnot. I hate people trying to force me to do things and go places I don't like to go to or do. I hate clubs, I hate crowds of people and I hate dancing so I'm not inclined to do stuff like that as a leisurely activity. What I d love to do is grab a book, bring my essentials, pack my backpack with food and take a bicycle ride out towards the lake shore and just have a leisurely day of reading and picnicking. I think my problem is with militantly extroverted people, people of the Kardashian/Jersey Shore level of narcissistic pride who think the world revolves around their lifestyle trying to bully me, the intellectual slacker, into acting like one of their pot addled plastic clones.

I don't want a boyfriend and husband with no pride who collapses like a cheap deck chair in a light breeze when people put pressure on him to tell me to change into the ghastly creature they want me to be. I have had some rather pretty little packages with no substance sent my way in the past as bait from the reckless crew to trap me in their depraved, lonely lives. I say the keepers are the ones that tell everyone else to...and pardon my French...just go to hell when they try to be influenced by them. I don't want a monkey who let's people think for him. I want a man who is self possessed and confident enough to tell people to just back off and live their own meaningless lives the way they want to so that I can just keep on living a contented life they seem not to be able to conjure up with all their money and all their false friends.

I just think you wanna find a relationship that has nothing to do with anyone but you and that person.

Which is not too much too ask

And if you don't like dancing or being an extrovert, you just don't date a guy who likes dancing and being an extrovert. You date someone who likes picnics and chilling out. Then they are very unlikely to want you to change.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I have to say I don't agree with everything in this article:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/surprising-secret-happy-marriage-201400956.html

I want to be accepted for who I am and I don't want to change one thing about me at all. If I have to change who I am into something that I don't resemble just to make people happy that's wrong. You either accept me as is or you don't. It's just that simple. If you cannot just love me in my "fat" body wearing my sweats and t-shirts then just leave, go and don't come back until you've kicked your ego down a few notches and learned how to act like a normal, working class human being like me. You won't change a practical Spartan into a hedonistic, frivolous Athenian as the old saying goes. You know, personality wise I'd love a guy who is as open minded as Johnny Depp, who's okay with individuality and not wanting people to become cookie cutter L.A. Robots. I'm not going to get involved in a relationship where the survival of said relationship hinges on me being somebody that I'm not. The more people press me to do things I don't want to do, the angrier I become. I mean really, just how vain is it and how childish is it to expect more from your partner than who they are? This is advice from self absorbed, annoyingly extroverted people who have no right to tell people how to live because everybody is different and everybody doesn't live by the same standards as the person next to them.

I think what most of these articles miss out on is that it's really different for different people. There's no "how to get the girl" or "how to get the guy" approach, and whichever article acknowledges that sort of ends up becoming a pointless read where they go "FIND OUT MORE ABOUT your ____."

But seriously there's a saying like that? i'll use it from now on! And I agree that you shouldn't have to change who you are to the point that you resemble someone else. That bit is important. It all boils down to if the other person loves YOU and vice versa. But careful about Depp... the really good piece of advice i ever got from his interviews was:

"if you love two people then go for the one you fell for later. Because if you truly loved the first girl you wouldn't have been able to fall for the second." or some variation of that.

You're bringing an interesting trend though: If you had to choose a Hollywood personality, who would you date?

Emma Watson comes to my mind...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So you guys remember that girl who friendzoned me after 3 dates and said that she was still hung on her non-ex-BF and then vowed to leave college? I had a really hard time getting her off of my mind, but it helped that I hadn't seen her around for a good long while--and when i did i tried my best to not initiate any conversations because, y'know **** it.

Well, she apparently decided to come back to college and ... well... is half of the courses i'm enrolled in. It's too late to change courses and it's not like I want to do that anyway. So I kept my distance, knowing full well that she really didn't have much of place for me anyway. I kept things, apparently, too casual because some of the other friends (and even one really close professor) pointed out that we used to be glued together all the time and suddenly, even in the same class we're like miles apart. We've hung around this teacher ever since we started college together so yeah, his point is kinda valid. He didn't push or anything, but he felt like he needed to ask me about it. Anyway, so she kept up being "friendly" and then when another friend of ours asked me "if things are okay between us" i told her that yeah we're friendly, but i wouldn't want to get too friendly because, heck, there's too much that happened in between.

Skip a few weeks, I had missed a few classes, and today when I went back she asks me how i was and why i'd been missing classes and if it's because she had decided to come back. I said no. Asked her about herself and... welll... we started to talk. She... um... pulled a text-book "friendzoner" and started crying and told me how the new guy she's with (yes her old STILL non-ex-bF because, apparently, she told him about her feelings and he said THEY'd just be friends but still persisted on keeping her in a "loop" and whenever she tries now to push him away apparently he harrasses her with texts and phone-calls... see where this is going?) She got really emotional and said that at least when she was with me SHE never kept things ambiguous, and I agreed -- told her yes it helped that I didn't have to see her around. It was hard, getting over someone, especially when you like them so much, always is, but that it's possible and if she feels that this guy is manipulating her and "evil" (she kept using those terms) that she should. She said that at least when she told me that it wouldnt work i listened. etc.. she kept saying how the only reason he's able to "manipulate" her like that is because she has no one to talk to at night (which is actually true because her best friend left the city and...well... she isn't really the social type). I asked her for her number again and told her that i'd deleted it, she smiled at that, said she didn't delete mine? I told her to call me up if she ever felt like talking and then left.

Thing is.. i feel a little small about myself for easily giving into her again. I'm certain she doesn't want to get "back together" or anything because, hell, it's still obvious where her heart is.

Long story short: she broke down in front of me, said her guy is being evil, said nice things about me, and traded numbers.

What do you think? Should I do anything with her or just drop cold again? What would Bruce Wayne do? :P

I guess that depends on whether or not your capable of just being this girls friend.

I mean, I get why you'd have to cut off from her for a while if she broke your heart.

But can't you just be her friend and stick to that? Because it sounds like she could really use one, and if you really care about her as much as you said, you'd move on from your own 'want' of her and how much the rejection hurt you, without cutting her out of your life when she's been such a big part of it.

P.S. Bruce Wayne - not a good role model when it comes to how you approach relationships

 

[Erzengel]

When's the last time you were on a date?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

So you guys remember that girl who friendzoned me after 3 dates and said that she was still hung on her non-ex-BF and then vowed to leave college? I had a really hard time getting her off of my mind, but it helped that I hadn't seen her around for a good long while--and when i did i tried my best to not initiate any conversations because, y'know **** it.

Well, she apparently decided to come back to college and ... well... is half of the courses i'm enrolled in. It's too late to change courses and it's not like I want to do that anyway. So I kept my distance, knowing full well that she really didn't have much of place for me anyway. I kept things, apparently, too casual because some of the other friends (and even one really close professor) pointed out that we used to be glued together all the time and suddenly, even in the same class we're like miles apart. We've hung around this teacher ever since we started college together so yeah, his point is kinda valid. He didn't push or anything, but he felt like he needed to ask me about it. Anyway, so she kept up being "friendly" and then when another friend of ours asked me "if things are okay between us" i told her that yeah we're friendly, but i wouldn't want to get too friendly because, heck, there's too much that happened in between.

Skip a few weeks, I had missed a few classes, and today when I went back she asks me how i was and why i'd been missing classes and if it's because she had decided to come back. I said no. Asked her about herself and... welll... we started to talk. She... um... pulled a text-book "friendzoner" and started crying and told me how the new guy she's with (yes her old STILL non-ex-bF because, apparently, she told him about her feelings and he said THEY'd just be friends but still persisted on keeping her in a "loop" and whenever she tries now to push him away apparently he harrasses her with texts and phone-calls... see where this is going?) She got really emotional and said that at least when she was with me SHE never kept things ambiguous, and I agreed -- told her yes it helped that I didn't have to see her around. It was hard, getting over someone, especially when you like them so much, always is, but that it's possible and if she feels that this guy is manipulating her and "evil" (she kept using those terms) that she should. She said that at least when she told me that it wouldnt work i listened. etc.. she kept saying how the only reason he's able to "manipulate" her like that is because she has no one to talk to at night (which is actually true because her best friend left the city and...well... she isn't really the social type). I asked her for her number again and told her that i'd deleted it, she smiled at that, said she didn't delete mine? I told her to call me up if she ever felt like talking and then left.

Thing is.. i feel a little small about myself for easily giving into her again. I'm certain she doesn't want to get "back together" or anything because, hell, it's still obvious where her heart is.

Long story short: she broke down in front of me, said her guy is being evil, said nice things about me, and traded numbers.

What do you think? Should I do anything with her or just drop cold again? What would Bruce Wayne do? :P

Bruce Wayne would tell her: "B*tch, Joker just broke out of Arkham. I gots fo'realz problems over hear in Gotham ya heard?!!! I ain't got time to hear your jibber jabber. Don't make Bruce Wayne go and choke a b*tch" (and to think Nolan turned my Batman script down...what a moron).

First of all most girls are not looking to make scenes in front of guys they like. It's embarassing to cry in front of someone you don't know all that well, and I would not recommend becoming a shoulder to cry on. Boyfriends offer those kinds of services and I'm not your boyfriend. Moreover, if it's her boyfriend who is bothering her you actually enable that relationship to continue by talking to her about it. What'll happen is this guy will make her mad, she'll talk to you about it, feel better, go back to him. It also removes the need to talk directly to him about what bothers her, which means she doesn't have to be confrontational. Something most people shy away from like Fight Club rightly observes.

Second is her boyfriend isn't "evil". The whole reason the *****ebag boyfriend cliche' exists is because you get to hear her complain about him, and within those complaints she's not going to give you a full and honest portrait of the guy. Boyfriend aways works late, and ignores her, but maybe she forgets to mention all the other responsibilities he has besides her. I'm sure her boyfriend is not some would-be dictator, and that he's just a normal jerk, like the people you meet every five minutes in traffic.

You guys really do have trouble reading signals though, don't you?

Girls give out free attention all the time, and you should know that most of it means nothing. Most of it you really can't act on, or only a little bit.

My reading of the situation, is she's hung up on her boyfriend (still) and there's nothing you can do about it. Think of it this way: I'm a Patriots fan. If I start complaining about how my team played last Sunday does that mean I'm becoming less of a fan? Or perhaps one that hits a little closer to home; look around this message board and ask yourself "who waste time complaining about a property?". The fans. If you hate someone complaining about them is irrelevant. Moreover, she's complaining about him to you, someone who really has nothing to do with them, suggests she thinks about him a lot.

Speech is more or less humans just dumping out the contents of their brain.

You always want to separate a girl with a boyfriend from her boyfriend, unless I suppose you want a Devil's threeway, in which case congratulations on your quest to see another man's penis. So if she brings him up, even in tears, you don't want to have that discussion. I mean frankly I'd just politely exit and hang up, or just tell her straight up "I can't help you here" and hang up. Maybe you could divert the discussion somewhere else, like start making sex jokes and seeing if she'll bite on them, but really you can't date this person so you more or less need to go for broke.

Really when you're talking to a girl (a classic mistake I see time and again) or a guy and you want to date them you need to either a) ask them out or b) steer a discussion towards sex. If you're sitting around having long deep discussions that are not on a date, or before dating/sex, then you're doing it wrong. When you're in the 'just friends' stage you should never be looking to get too involved unless you really want that person as a close friend. Otherwise you keep it casual: "oh your boyfriend is being a jerk. Well, I hope you two can work it out" is pretty much all you should say if anything.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

This day just keeps getting better and better ... now, my old boss just called me up and said that they have a new opening and want me back doing what they did (it's a local magazine, i used to be an assistant editor and then got FIRED around the same time i had been FRIENDZONED. and by that i mean THE SAME WEEK).

God isn't testing me. He's trolling me.

 

[Erzengel]

So you guys remember that girl who friendzoned me after 3 dates and said that she was still hung on her non-ex-BF and then vowed to leave college? I had a really hard time getting her off of my mind, but it helped that I hadn't seen her around for a good long while--and when i did i tried my best to not initiate any conversations because, y'know **** it.

Well, she apparently decided to come back to college and ... well... is half of the courses i'm enrolled in. It's too late to change courses and it's not like I want to do that anyway. So I kept my distance, knowing full well that she really didn't have much of place for me anyway. I kept things, apparently, too casual because some of the other friends (and even one really close professor) pointed out that we used to be glued together all the time and suddenly, even in the same class we're like miles apart. We've hung around this teacher ever since we started college together so yeah, his point is kinda valid. He didn't push or anything, but he felt like he needed to ask me about it. Anyway, so she kept up being "friendly" and then when another friend of ours asked me "if things are okay between us" i told her that yeah we're friendly, but i wouldn't want to get too friendly because, heck, there's too much that happened in between.

Skip a few weeks, I had missed a few classes, and today when I went back she asks me how i was and why i'd been missing classes and if it's because she had decided to come back. I said no. Asked her about herself and... welll... we started to talk. She... um... pulled a text-book "friendzoner" and started crying and told me how the new guy she's with (yes her old STILL non-ex-bF because, apparently, she told him about her feelings and he said THEY'd just be friends but still persisted on keeping her in a "loop" and whenever she tries now to push him away apparently he harrasses her with texts and phone-calls... see where this is going?) She got really emotional and said that at least when she was with me SHE never kept things ambiguous, and I agreed -- told her yes it helped that I didn't have to see her around. It was hard, getting over someone, especially when you like them so much, always is, but that it's possible and if she feels that this guy is manipulating her and "evil" (she kept using those terms) that she should. She said that at least when she told me that it wouldnt work i listened. etc.. she kept saying how the only reason he's able to "manipulate" her like that is because she has no one to talk to at night (which is actually true because her best friend left the city and...well... she isn't really the social type). I asked her for her number again and told her that i'd deleted it, she smiled at that, said she didn't delete mine? I told her to call me up if she ever felt like talking and then left.

Thing is.. i feel a little small about myself for easily giving into her again. I'm certain she doesn't want to get "back together" or anything because, hell, it's still obvious where her heart is.

Long story short: she broke down in front of me, said her guy is being evil, said nice things about me, and traded numbers.

What do you think? Should I do anything with her or just drop cold again? What would Bruce Wayne do? :P

It depends on what you are looking for?

Honestly, I don't think you are capable at this moment of being a good friend?

Personally if I dated someone and they pulled, I'm sorry I'm hung up on someone who's not really my bf/gf and then meet up with them a while later and they are still complaining, I'd be like, you've made your bed.

I personally wouldn't want to be anyone's b' friend that they can cry and ball about a relationship that's not meant to be. Especially if I could have offered something better.

I guess that depends on whether or not your capable of just being this girls friend.

I mean, I get why you'd have to cut off from her for a while if she broke your heart.

But can't you just be her friend and stick to that? Because it sounds like she could really use one, and if you really care about her as much as you said, you'd move on from your own 'want' of her and how much the rejection hurt you, without cutting her out of your life when she's been such a big part of it.

Why should he want to be her friend? What does he owe her?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Why should he want to be her friend?

For the same reason anyone wants to be anyone's friend - you like them, you get on well, you enjoy their company.

And in his case, you have a long history of friendship where you used to be very close.

I'm confused, are you one of those 'men and women can't be friends' people, or are you suggesting he shouldn't want to be her friend because she 'done him wrong'?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I guess that depends on whether or not your capable of just being this girls friend.

I mean, I get why you'd have to cut off from her for a while if she broke your heart.

But can't you just be her friend and stick to that? Because it sounds like she could really use one, and if you really care about her as much as you said, you'd move on from your own 'want' of her and how much the rejection hurt you, without cutting her out of your life when she's been such a big part of it.

Yeah that's exactly what I was thinking and yes, I guess I can just be friends with her, but I certainly don't want to be cast as some kind of "I care for her so much that I will let her go and be pals" if you get what i mean.

I dunno this is a bit jarring, and since the girl's back in school and i'll have to accept the fact that she'll be around the same campus, it's better to just keep things civil. It's certainly the more pragmatic thing to do. Though, I should definitely refrain from calling her right? Right?!

P.S. Bruce Wayne - not a good role model when it comes to how you approach relationships

But a really good role model when you don't want to get yourself committed

When's the last time you were on a date?

Honestly? The last time was with this girl. There was a really nice (and... um... boring) person who was egging me to accompany her to a party a few weeks ago but I wasn't exactly feeling anything at that point. But it's not like the lack of dating is something I'm projecting into my own sense of Hermitism or anything--i've seen countless times when a mere "date" equated into a "full-fledged relationship" among the girls at my campus. Saying "yes" then would've meant more than just a single date. :S

 

[Erzengel]

For the same reason anyone wants to be anyone's friend - you like them, you get on well, you enjoy their company.

And in his case, you have a long history of friendship where you used to be very close.

I'm confused, are you one of those 'men and women can't be friends' people, or are you suggesting he shouldn't want to be her friend because she 'done him wrong'?

I'm one of those, if I'm interested in someone but they just want to be friends, why should I settle for something when my initial and primary intent is to be more than friends?

I have enough friends.

 

[Erzengel]

Honestly? The last time was with this girl. There was a really nice (and... um... boring) person who was egging me to accompany her to a party a few weeks ago but I wasn't exactly feeling anything at that point. But it's not like the lack of dating is something I'm projecting into my own sense of Hermitism or anything--i've seen countless times when a mere "date" equated into a "full-fledged relationship" among the girls at my campus. Saying "yes" then would've meant more than just a single date. :S

I was actually questioning Godzilla2000.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

For the same reason anyone wants to be anyone's friend - you like them, you get on well, you enjoy their company.

And in his case, you have a long history of friendship where you used to be very close.

I'm confused, are you one of those 'men and women can't be friends' people, or are you suggesting he shouldn't want to be her friend because she 'done him wrong'?

Certainly seems like an imbalanced friendship don'tchathink? I mean I'm friends with quite a few girls, but this doesn't seem like much of a friendship. Like Erz says "what does he owe her?". Absolutely nothing. She made her choice.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Bruce Wayne would tell her: "B*tch, Joker just broke out of Arkham. I gots fo'realz problems over hear in Gotham ya heard?!!! I ain't got time to hear your jibber jabber. Don't make Bruce Wayne go and choke a b*tch" (and to think Nolan turned my Batman script down...what a moron).

Actually, this is the best part of your entire post. t:

First of all most girls are not looking to make scenes in front of guys they like. It's embarassing to cry in front of someone you don't know all that well, and I would not recommend becoming a shoulder to cry on. Boyfriends offer those kinds of services and I'm not your boyfriend. Moreover, if it's her boyfriend who is bothering her you actually enable that relationship to continue by talking to her about it. What'll happen is this guy will make her mad, she'll talk to you about it, feel better, go back to him. It also removes the need to talk directly to him about what bothers her, which means she doesn't have to be confrontational. Something most people shy away from like Fight Club rightly observes.

Second is her boyfriend isn't "evil". The whole reason the *****ebag boyfriend cliche' exists is because you get to hear her complain about him, and within those complaints she's not going to give you a full and honest portrait of the guy. Boyfriend aways works late, and ignores her, but maybe she forgets to mention all the other responsibilities he has besides her. I'm sure her boyfriend is not some would-be dictator, and that he's just a normal jerk, like the people you meet every five minutes in traffic.

I'm certain she doesn't like me, certainly not in a romantic way, especially when she's actively being desperate with the other guy to this day. And what you said about discussions diverting her need to confront him is, pretty much, hitting on the nail. She kept insisting he was evil and manipulative over and over again and yeah, I told her exactly that -- the fact that she's only talking about his negatives and neither of the things that make her want to be with him to begin with. And get this... she's "convinced" that she's "confused" about her place with him. When I asked her if she's in a relationship with him, she says "I don't know." That's ****ed up. The only advice I gave her was that she should make it clear and if it's not working out if she still feels that this "drug abusing, alcoholic Chucky" (the Doll) is truly evil then she should just move on and find someone else. She tells me she gets "lonely" whenever she thinks about that. Which is believable because this girl is really introverted socially. I get that. You don't get into a relationship when you're lonely, I tell her. Her brain seems to agree.

My reading of the situation, is she's hung up on her boyfriend (still) and there's nothing you can do about it. Think of it this way: I'm a Patriots fan. If I start complaining about how my team played last Sunday does that mean I'm becoming less of a fan? Or perhaps one that hits a little closer to home; look around this message board and ask yourself "who waste time complaining about a property?". The fans. If you hate someone complaining about them is irrelevant. Moreover, she's complaining about him to you, someone who really has nothing to do with them, suggests she thinks about him a lot.

Here's the thing -- this girl makes 180s in terms of characters. The last time I saw her she didn't want anything to do with me. Now she's being all extra-polite and teary. I don't want to be her boyfriend, not when she's already devoted to the so-called "*****ebag" (if she really thought as much she wouldn't be saying that to someone else, she'd be acting on it). I get that she's confused and that her emotions are everywhere but the only thing I need to know is ... since this is the person I've been dismantling my own self over, now that she's back around what's the best course of action? I tried utter avoidance, and it was working out well until today. Now what?

Really when you're talking to a girl (a classic mistake I see time and again) or a guy and you want to date them you need to either a) ask them out or b) steer a discussion towards sex. If you're sitting around having long deep discussions that are not on a date, or before dating/sex, then you're doing it wrong. When you're in the 'just friends' stage you should never be looking to get too involved unless you really want that person as a close friend. Otherwise you keep it casual: "oh your boyfriend is being a jerk. Well, I hope you two can work it out" is pretty much all you should say if anything.

Two things I don't agree on: 1) Her breaking down is because she's completely indifferent towards me--people just don't do that, people break down in front of other people they trust. It isn't a sign of her immediate interest in me or anything, but it certainly conveys the notion of "dude i'm ****ing sad here, help me out."

2) Talking to women being a mistake. Nope. You talk. I'm sorry. You do. Communication is the most important thing in any interaction. Be it verbal or physical. I'm not going to let you convince me otherwise. If I'm talking to someone in a date and having "deep conversations" it means i'm doing something right instead of just paying attention to her vagina.

Agree with the last line though -- I'll do something similar to that, i guess.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

to get back at god is trolling me: i could use my old job back, it paid well and didn't interfere with much. Guess which girl also happens to be writing at the magazine?

Hint: It's not Emma Watson.

Guys this is getting insane. All of this cannot be happening in one day. NO she can't just pop up back in school, my old job (which COINCIDES with the boss phoning me up and the same day she decides to cry in front of me) AND my friends list.

I'll be seeing much more of her throughout the next few weeks, if not months. I need to know if I should try to be a good friend and normalize the interactions, or just go back to ignoring her existence.

 

[Erzengel]

It doesn't have to be one extreme or another. I wouldn't go out of my way to be a d' to her, but I don't think you should be her pillow that she cries into either.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

For the same reason anyone wants to be anyone's friend - you like them, you get on well, you enjoy their company.

And in his case, you have a long history of friendship where you used to be very close.

I'm confused, are you one of those 'men and women can't be friends' people, or are you suggesting he shouldn't want to be her friend because she 'done him wrong'?

It depends on what you are looking for?

Honestly, I don't think you are capable at this moment of being a good friend?

Personally if I dated someone and they pulled, I'm sorry I'm hung up on someone who's not really my bf/gf and then meet up with them a while later and they are still complaining, I'd be like, you've made your bed.

I personally wouldn't want to be anyone's b' friend that they can cry and ball about a relationship that's not meant to be. Especially if I could have offered something better.

This last bit is perhaps the most sound thing I've heard all day -- what do I want? I want to go back to my mundane existence and not feel like I need to prove that I was offering something better.

I'm one of those, if I'm interested in someone but they just want to be friends, why should I settle for something when my initial and primary intent is to be more than friends?

I have enough friends.

I get what hopeful is saying -- a part of me wants that because we'd been really close before as well.

The answer's somewhere between these two extremes, for me at least.

 

[Erzengel]

I get what hopeful is saying -- a part of me wants that because we'd been really close before as well.

The answer's somewhere between these two extremes, for me at least.

But you were really close because you had feelings for this person and went on a few dates with them.

I'm sure you still have some residual feelings for her.

But why wait for a bus that ain't coming when you SHOULD be on the look out for a bus you can just jump on.

Why invest any more time into a person who only wants to be your friend when you obviously wanted something more. You do not want this girl to be the "girl in your life". You'll get hung up on her and could possibly miss other opportunities because you think she could change.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm one of those, if I'm interested in someone but they just want to be friends, why should I settle for something when my initial and primary intent is to be more than friends?

I have enough friends.

I'm the same way, and also, while I'm friends with many women I don't have any designs to try and sleep with them or date them. Not to say I wouldn't, just to say that isn't the pretext for our relationship. I get something out of them I consider valuable that's not just "hey, positive attention from a girl".

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Certainly seems like an imbalanced friendship don'tchathink? I mean I'm friends with quite a few girls, but this doesn't seem like much of a friendship. Like Erz says "what does he owe her?". Absolutely nothing. She made her choice.

I don't really think she's being consistent with her choice... bed-making or otherwise... I mean on anything, really:

Indecision in her love-life? Check.
Indecision regarding her staying in college? Check.
Indecision with her attitude towards me? Check. Check. Check.

It doesn't have to be one extreme or another. I wouldn't go out of my way to be a d' to her, but I don't think you should be her pillow that she cries into either.

Yes. Although it wouldn't hurt my ego to be the pillow that she could cry on just beyond her reach.... okay fine I'll shut up

But yes I agree -- a middle ground is perhaps the most logical path to go. I need the work, and i need to stay in school. I'll just consider her as someone else right now. Fresh-starts are always pleasing. Besides, there are other things I should rather be doing, and maybe other people I should rather be focusing on in my life than peripheral-crazy-girl.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm one of those, if I'm interested in someone but they just want to be friends, why should I settle for something when my initial and primary intent is to be more than friends?

I have enough friends.

I suppose that depends on who you are and how you see women.

I mean, if you didn't actually care about her or like her for who she is, and you just really fancied her... Then I agree, why would you wanna be her friend. If you're not gonna get what you wanted, there's really nothing there for you.

But if you really care about someone (which I believe Nave did because they were friends first before he started getting feelings for her) you'd wanna help them when they are hurting, whether or not YOU get anything out of it or not. Because that's what 'loving' someone is.

And I don't mean being in love. Just the love that you have for any friend, where you don't wanna see them upset if you can help.

That last line 'I have enough friends' pretty much just spells out to me that the only advice you're giving Nave is 'be selfish'.

And I think friendships are more important than that.

Certainly seems like an imbalanced friendship don'tchathink? I mean I'm friends with quite a few girls, but this doesn't seem like much of a friendship. Like Erz says "what does he owe her?". Absolutely nothing. She made her choice.

I'm not sure it's fair to asses whether it's balanced or not yet, because they've only just really reconnected.

Nave, I think the best thing to do would be to do some fun stuff as mates and see if that friendship is still there.

I wouldn't say have a friendship with this girl that ONLY consists of you cheering her up when she's down That would be mad.

I'll be seeing much more of her throughout the next few weeks, if not months. I need to know if I should try to be a good friend and normalize the interactions, or just go back to ignoring her existence.

Well you can't ignore her. You have to at least go back to talking to her a bit, because it'll make it much less awkward for you and everyone around you.

And TBH, if you're not upset with her or mad at her for anything that happened, I think a friendship is just naturally what's gonna happen again anyway.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

But you were really close because you had feelings for this person and went on a few dates with them.

I'm sure you still have some residual feelings for her.

But why wait for a bus that ain't coming when you SHOULD be on the look out for a bus you can just jump on.

Why invest any more time into a person who only wants to be your friend when you obviously wanted something more. You do not want this girl to be the "girl in your life". You'll get hung up on her and could possibly miss other opportunities because you think she could change.

Well not in the beginning. At least that's how I see it now. I distinctly recall the idea of turning around and realising that i had grown fond of her. Because initially i was super skeptical to have any feelings at all with the girls around the department.

And yes i want to ask you guys about that--it's admittedly clear that there are residual feelings (i wouldnt be here otherwise) from MY SIDE and im fully aware they arent THERE ON HERS. That last bit convinces me to say that i shouldnt be giving into said residual feelings at all. So, in the whole idea of interacting with her being "friends" -- not close just merely, yknow coworkers or classmtes -- is it likely that i'll get head over heals fallen for ehr again?

I'll be cautious not to -- but i failed there before.

 

[Erzengel]

I suppose that depends on who you are and how you see women.

I mean, if you didn't actually care about her or like her for who she is, and you just really fancied her... Then I agree, why would you wanna be her friend. If you're not gonna get what you wanted, there's really nothing there for you.

But if you really care about someone (which I believe Nave did because they were friends first before he started getting feelings for her) you'd wanna help them when they are hurting, whether or not YOU get anything out of it or not. Because that's what 'loving' someone is.

And I don't mean being in love. Just the love that you have for any friend, where you don't wanna see them upset if you can help.

That last line 'I have enough friends' pretty much just spells out to me that the only advice you're giving Nave is 'be selfish'.

And I think friendships are more important than that.

Nave correct me if I'm wrong but this is a girl you met through work/school, probably got a little chummy with her than asked her out and after 3 dates, she pulls this, I have feelings for another guy who it turns out doesn't have the same feelings for her.

Now, it's obvious from the last few posts Nave put down that, talking to this girl has opened up some old wounds and brought up some feelings that he still has for this girl.

Also, this girl unless again Nave corrects me seems to become the only " girl in his life" right now.

Now how is suppose to just shut off his feelings and try and be a good friend WHEN he's constantly talking to her and doesn't have any other prospects on the horizon.

He needs to meet other girls, he needs to distance himself from this girl. Maybe if he's with some other girl, he can have more of a cordial relationship with this nut job now.

Selfish? It never sounded like they were best friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with him thinking of himself first in this situation.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I suppose that depends on who you are and how you see women.

I mean, if you didn't actually care about her or like her for who she is, and you just really fancied her... Then I agree, why would you wanna be her friend. If you're not gonna get what you wanted, there's really nothing there for you.

But if you really care about someone (which I believe Nave did because they were friends first before he started getting feelings for her) you'd wanna help them when they are hurting, whether or not YOU get anything out of it or not. Because that's what 'loving' someone is.

And I don't mean being in love. Just the love that you have for any friend, where you don't wanna see them upset if you can help.

That last line 'I have enough friends' pretty much just spells out to me that the only advice you're giving Nave is 'be selfish'.

And I think friendships are more important than that.


I'm not sure it's fair to asses whether it's balanced or not yet, because they've only just really reconnected.

Nave, I think the best thing to do would be to do some fun stuff as mates and see if that friendship is still there.

I wouldn't say have a friendship with this girl that ONLY consists of you cheering her up when she's down That would be mad.


Well you can't ignore her. You have to at least go back to talking to her a bit, because it'll make it much less awkward for you and everyone around you.

And TBH, if you're not upset with her or mad at her for anything that happened, I think a friendship is just naturally what's gonna happen again anyway.

This. Makes. Sense.

Thanks hopeful, you do the adjective in your name proud

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Nave correct me if I'm wrong but this is a girl you met through work/school, probably got a little chummy with her than asked her out and after 3 dates, she pulls this, I have feelings for another guy who it turns out doesn't have the same feelings for her.

Now, it's obvious from the last few posts Nave put down that, talking to this girl has opened up some old wounds and brought up some feelings that he still has for this girl.

Also, this girl unless again Nave corrects me seems to become the only " girl in his life" right now.

Now how is suppose to just shut off his feelings and try and be a good friend WHEN he's constantly talking to her and doesn't have any other prospects on the horizon.

He needs to meet other girls, he needs to distance himself from this girl. Maybe if he's with some other girl, he can have more of a cordial relationship with this nut job now.

Selfish? It never sounded like they were best friends. I don't think there's anything wrong with him thinking of himself first in this situation.

Yes we met in college first but grew really close because we had a lot in common together -- long story short, we became really good friends. It was later on when I started to like her and I had asked her out when she accepted, and then pulled away. It took a good while to consider that becaues the entire ordeal ended with her saying "we can't be friends anymore." It hurt but I'd gotten over that as well. And yes, now some of those old feelings got stirred up. But I don't think I can afford to -- or WANT to -- stir them up to the same level as it was.

Based on my recent conversations with her it's become certain that we can "go back" to being "friends." As for her being the "only girl in my life now" ... well, yes and no. I'm not dating anyone at the moment, but I'm certainly not thinking of asking her out either.

And, it doesn't matter much. I guess I can stick to that. It was important that I didn't see my talking to her casually (well... as much as a tear-driven confession-session goes) as a defeat on my own self-esteem. Like hopeful said, I'll see if she wants to be pals again, and if so it'll be there. But nothing more. Never more. Hell, i'll tell her that the next time she starts sending weird mixed signals anyway and see her response.