The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Erzengel]

How long were you guys really "close"? How much time did you spend together in a social setting? What did you guys do?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Friends do a lot just because. Nave's story and stories like his, from my perspective, often are about girls who seem to want or thrive off lots of attention but give little in the way of an actual friendship. Friends are people who want to hang out and catch up 'just cause' but do not demand each other's time constantly. For the most part these women do not feel much like friends because the relationships are largely one sided.

 

[Erzengel]

^
That's what I was alluding to, but wanted to confirm with Nave what she actually did bring to the table in terms of friendship.

 

[Anubis]

If I'm gonna sit there and listen to your problems I'm gonna require at the very least an HJ.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yes we met in college first but grew really close because we had a lot in common together -- long story short, we became really good friends. It was later on when I started to like her and I had asked her out when she accepted, and then pulled away. It took a good while to consider that becaues the entire ordeal ended with her saying "we can't be friends anymore." It hurt but I'd gotten over that as well. And yes, now some of those old feelings got stirred up. But I don't think I can afford to -- or WANT to -- stir them up to the same level as it was.

Based on my recent conversations with her it's become certain that we can "go back" to being "friends." As for her being the "only girl in my life now" ... well, yes and no. I'm not dating anyone at the moment, but I'm certainly not thinking of asking her out either.

And, it doesn't matter much. I guess I can stick to that. It was important that I didn't see my talking to her casually (well... as much as a tear-driven confession-session goes) as a defeat on my own self-esteem. Like hopeful said, I'll see if she wants to be pals again, and if so it'll be there. But nothing more. Never more. Hell, i'll tell her that the next time she starts sending weird mixed signals anyway and see her response.

This. Makes. Sense.

See you don't really need our help

I think the last line is the most important thing to stick too.

If you're no fool (which I don't think you are), you'll know the difference between a friendship that you both get something good out of (like the laughter and general merriment that friendships are supposed to bring), or her using you to make herself feel better.

And if it does start to feel that way. If she only calls you when she needs to be 'rescued'. If she literally starts cuddling up to you while crying and saying stuff like 'Why can't I just want a guy like you', then back away. Because you don't wanna be the guy on her 'hook'.

But not every girl is like that. And you have enough of a history of friendship with this girl to know whether or not she's one of them hopefully

 

[Nave 'Torment']

How long were you guys really "close"? How much time did you spend together in a social setting? What did you guys do?

For about a good part of a year. I know that doesn't seem much but it was the first year in college, so yeah :P

We were mates. She and I. And it even brushed off into each of us visiting family members and such. I mean, looking back you'd think I was breaking some crazy incestuous taboo or something by asking her out but at the time she seemed okay with it at the time.

Y'know one of those friendships that just clicks from day one? You have similar interests, perspectives, and hobbies? Yeah. That.

I'll test her awesomeness again by getting her to play Skyrim. See if that works.

Friends do a lot just because. Nave's story and stories like his, from my perspective, often are about girls who seem to want or thrive off lots of attention but give little in the way of an actual friendship. Friends are people who want to hang out and catch up 'just cause' but do not demand each other's time constantly. For the most part these women do not feel much like friends because the relationships are largely one sided.

I know what you're getting at but this wasn't like that. At least not the way I saw it. It certainly got that way near the end when I started poeticising about her but by that time i was too head-deep into sucker territory.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

If I'm gonna sit there and listen to your problems I'm gonna require at the very least an HJ.

That's it I'm gonna start accessing this page with my cell-phone from now on.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

This. Makes. Sense.

See you don't really need our help

I think the last line is the most important thing to stick too.

If you're no fool (which I don't think you are), you'll know the difference between a friendship that you both get something good out of (like the laughter and general merriment that friendships are supposed to bring), or her using you to make herself feel better.

And if it does start to feel that way. If she only calls you when she needs to be 'rescued'. If she literally starts cuddling up to you while crying and saying stuff like 'Why can't I just want a guy like you', then back away. Because you don't wanna be the guy on her 'hook'.

But not every girl is like that. And you have enough of a history of friendship with this girl to know whether or not she's one of them hopefully

thanks hopeful.

 

[Anita18]

I have to say I don't agree with everything in this article:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/surprising-secret-happy-marriage-201400956.html

I want to be accepted for who I am and I don't want to change one thing about me at all. If I have to change who I am into something that I don't resemble just to make people happy that's wrong. You either accept me as is or you don't. It's just that simple. If you cannot just love me in my "fat" body wearing my sweats and t-shirts then just leave, go and don't come back until you've kicked your ego down a few notches and learned how to act like a normal, working class human being like me. You won't change a practical Spartan into a hedonistic, frivolous Athenian as the old saying goes. You know, personality wise I'd love a guy who is as open minded as Johnny Depp, who's okay with individuality and not wanting people to become cookie cutter L.A. Robots. I'm not going to get involved in a relationship where the survival of said relationship hinges on me being somebody that I'm not. The more people press me to do things I don't want to do, the angrier I become. I mean really, just how vain is it and how childish is it to expect more from your partner than who they are? This is advice from self absorbed, annoyingly extroverted people who have no right to tell people how to live because everybody is different and everybody doesn't live by the same standards as the person next to them.

To be fair, for all his open-mindedness, he's still with a singer/model.

That article is pretty stupid though, I agree. That's why I don't read relationship articles on Yahoo.

I have a temper, I'm the first one to admit that. But things go a lot smoother of people just let me make my own decisions about activities and whatnot. I hate people trying to force me to do things and go places I don't like to go to or do. I hate clubs, I hate crowds of people and I hate dancing so I'm not inclined to do stuff like that as a leisurely activity. What I do love to do is grab a book, bring my essentials, pack my backpack with food and take a bicycle ride out towards the lake shore and just have a leisurely day of reading and picnicking all by myself or with whomever is worthy of being my companion. I think my problem is with militantly extroverted people, people of the Kardashian/Jersey Shore level of illusory narcissistic pride who think the world revolves around their lifestyle trying to bully me, the intellectual slacker, into acting like one of their pot addled plastic clones.

I don't want a boyfriend and husband with no pride who collapses like a cheap deck chair in a light breeze when people put pressure on him to tell me to change into the ghastly creature they want me to be. I have had some rather pretty little packages with no substance sent my way in the past as bait from the reckless crew to trap me in their depraved, lonely lives. I say the keepers are the ones that tell everyone else to...and pardon my French...just go to hell when they try to be influenced by them. I don't want a monkey who let's people think for him. I want a man who is self possessed and confident enough to tell people to just back off and live their own meaningless lives the way they want to so that I can just keep on living a contented life they seem not to be able to conjure up with all their money and all their false friends.

You've basically described my bf, who's younger than you by almost a decade, and we're both from metropolitan areas in California (ie, supposedly full of superficial and party-loving rich *****ebags). You'd think that there would be ONE GUY in your town with similar tastes as you, especially at your age.

I think you're spending too much time and effort trying to protect yourself rather than looking for what you claim you want.

What would Bruce Wayne do? :P

Forget the girl and continue being Batman? Come on, this is obvious.

For the same reason anyone wants to be anyone's friend - you like them, you get on well, you enjoy their company.

And in his case, you have a long history of friendship where you used to be very close.

I'm confused, are you one of those 'men and women can't be friends' people, or are you suggesting he shouldn't want to be her friend because she 'done him wrong'?

I'm way too nice and I was totally "friends" with this girl in high school because I felt sorry for her. She brought NOTHING to the table for me, but I kept on hanging out with her because I pitied her and she needed someone to talk to.

I don't think Nave has described his friendship with this girl as such, but people and relationships DO change over time. Just because a friendship worked a while ago doesn't mean you can pick it up and have it continue exactly like it was before.

It doesn't have to be one extreme or another. I wouldn't go out of my way to be a d' to her, but I don't think you should be her pillow that she cries into either.

Right.

 

[Erzengel]

For about a good part of a year. I know that doesn't seem much but it was the first year in college, so yeah :P

We were mates. She and I. And it even brushed off into each of us visiting family members and such. I mean, looking back you'd think I was breaking some crazy incestuous taboo or something by asking her out but at the time she seemed okay with it at the time.

Y'know one of those friendships that just clicks from day one? You have similar interests, perspectives, and hobbies? Yeah. That.

I'll test her awesomeness again by getting her to play Skyrim. See if that works.

I don't know why you would want to enter into this again.

"I'll test her awesomeness again."

It just sounds like you're going to build this girl up again as someone you want be with in a relationship.

And I really HOPE that you aren't doing this all again because part of you thinks that this is the way that you'll win her over.

Like I said before, you really should be spending time with other girls and on the side, talk to this one every once and a while.

I think a lot of guys can attest to what I said previously, of the dangers of hanging out with one singular girl and who you spend a lot of time. You'd be fooling yourself if you think that you can keep it platonic.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Nave, do you and her have any friends in common?

If so, maybe the best thing to do at first is hang out together with other people. Don't make it a one one one thing only. Invite her to hang out with you and a few friends. That way it isn't anything resembling a date and you start off on a clearly plutonic ground.

I'm way too nice and I was totally "friends" with this girl in high school because I felt sorry for her. She brought NOTHING to the table for me, but I kept on hanging out with her because I pitied her and she needed someone to talk to.

I don't think Nave has described his friendship with this girl as such, but people and relationships DO change over time. Just because a friendship worked a while ago doesn't mean you can pick it up and have it continue exactly like it was before.

Of course friendships don't always work forever. That's obvious.

But when you're in the same class and the same job, you've been close in the past and have a lot in common, and you've never once only been her friend because you felt sorry for her... chances are you can still enjoy each others company without it having to be this big awkward thing.

And that could very well turn back into the friendship it was. Which it sounds like, was something that DID benefit him too.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'll test her awesomeness again by getting her to play Skyrim. See if that works.

I know what you're getting at but this wasn't like that. At least not the way I saw it. It certainly got that way near the end when I started poeticising about her but by that time i was too head-deep into sucker territory.

I'm not sure if you've discussed your virginity status, I don't remember, but from the sounds of it you've had very few relationships at least. It's statements like these though that make me wonder somewhat exactly what the extent of your experience is. First off, like Erz says, I'm struggling to find to what end 'testing her awesomeness' will achieve. If she's just a friend then there's really nothing to test.

As I say, not sure if you've had sex but something I have learned from having sex is that when guys and girls spend a lot of time together, whether it's accidental (like sharing a class) or intentional that feelings start to emerge. In fact, if prison proves anything it's that without other options, the guy you're spending all your time with starts seeming like a good option. The girls I'm friends with are my friends, but the hot ones, yeah I'd jump their bones in a minute, but that's also the reason I don't spend all my time with them and do spend most of my guy on girl time with girls who will have sex with me [now]. Otherwise my time is pretty well divided up between lots of different girls, and no, that doesn't mean I have sex with all of them (in fact I think 'playas' often have a lot of ambiguous relationships they use to make their numbers look better than they actually are).

Usually the platonic thing only works if you have other reasons not to pursue a relationship. Like you're simply not attracted to the person or there's another thing they do for you already that you wouldn't want to mess up with sex.

Certainly reading some of Nell's posts I get the sense there's just certain things he doesn't understand about these feelings he is feeling. I still feel the same way about friends as you do, I think. I just don't value those feelings at all. They mean nothing to me

Also, unless you hit it and quit it, something you seem to take for granted is once sex is introduced it'll be all about sex. Sex is addictive, and much like spending an inordinate amount of time together can lead to sexual attraction, sex almost always results in some sort of emotional attachment. Also babies. They can happen to. Soon whatever relationship was there will be all about sex, whether it's a 'friends with benefits' situation or something that came about by dating and soforth. Non-virgins are painfully aware of how quickly they get attached (or rather some are, and are a lot more likely to be if they have had sex) but at the same time...

...It's just sex and doesn't really change anything important. Nor is it really based on love per say. Sex with someone you hate is as thrilling, if not moreso, than sex with someone you love or anyone else.

So if you're having a bunch of issues with her communicating or her boyfriend, guess what? When the afterglow wears off, those things are still there, and even worse now they'll be in your face.

I mean the fact is, with her, you're getting much more out of keeping her at arm's length.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I have to say I don't agree with everything in this article:
http://shine.yahoo.com/love-sex/surprising-secret-happy-marriage-201400956.html

I want to be accepted for who I am and I don't want to change one thing about me at all. If I have to change who I am into something that I don't resemble just to make people happy that's wrong. You either accept me as is or you don't. It's just that simple. If you cannot just love me in my "fat" body wearing my sweats and t-shirts then just leave, go and don't come back until you've kicked your ego down a few notches and learned how to act like a normal, working class human being like me. You won't change a practical Spartan into a hedonistic, frivolous Athenian as the old saying goes. You know, personality wise I'd love a guy who is as open minded as Johnny Depp, who's okay with individuality and not wanting people to become cookie cutter L.A. Robots. I'm not going to get involved in a relationship where the survival of said relationship hinges on me being somebody that I'm not. The more people press me to do things I don't want to do, the angrier I become. I mean really, just how vain is it and how childish is it to expect more from your partner than who they are? This is advice from self absorbed, annoyingly extroverted people who have no right to tell people how to live because everybody is different and everybody doesn't live by the same standards as the person next to them.

Wow, you really missed the point of the article. It's not asking you to change who you are at your core, it's saying there's aspects and things you'll need to comprimise on in a relationship. You're not going to meet your carbon copy, who will have the exact same personality as you. Also you'll face many challenges in your relationship together and it's important to face those challenges together and learn and grow from them. My fiancee and I recently got a puppy, it's teaching us both a lot about what type of parents we might be at some point and as a result we're trying to learn from each other and change our natural instincts if the clash so we can be better owners for our puppy and in the future parents for our children. We're not changing who we are, we're working towards a common goal as a team.

I have a temper, I'm the first one to admit that. But things go a lot smoother of people just let me make my own decisions about activities and whatnot. I hate people trying to force me to do things and go places I don't like to go to or do. I hate clubs, I hate crowds of people and I hate dancing so I'm not inclined to do stuff like that as a leisurely activity. What I do love to do is grab a book, bring my essentials, pack my backpack with food and take a bicycle ride out towards the lake shore and just have a leisurely day of reading and picnicking all by myself or with whomever is worthy of being my companion. I think my problem is with militantly extroverted people, people of the Kardashian/Jersey Shore level of illusory narcissistic pride who think the world revolves around their lifestyle trying to bully me, the intellectual slacker, into acting like one of their pot addled plastic clones.

Then don't date some big time extrovert who life revolves around partying and being seen. However, you are going to have to try some new things when you're in a relationship, wouldn't you want to explore his interests as he would explore yours. You're not going to be carbon copies, you'll have many of the same interests, but quite a few differing ones as well.

I don't want a boyfriend and husband with no pride who collapses like a cheap deck chair in a light breeze when people put pressure on him to tell me to change into the ghastly creature they want me to be. I have had some rather pretty little packages with no substance sent my way in the past as bait from the reckless crew to trap me in their depraved, lonely lives. I say the keepers are the ones that tell everyone else to...and pardon my French...just go to hell when they try to be influenced by them. I don't want a monkey who let's people think for him. I want a man who is self possessed and confident enough to tell people to just back off and live their own meaningless lives the way they want to so that I can just keep on living a contented life they seem not to be able to conjure up with all their money and all their false friends.

And here we go, we're back in fantasyland, where the evil queen is trying to destroy you and Prince Charming must come in on his white steed to protect you. You shouldn't want a man who would fight back the evil forces out to get you, you should want a man who will encourage you to fight these evil forces back together as a team.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

It just sounds like you're going to build this girl up again as someone you want be with in a relationship.

And I really HOPE that you aren't doing this all again because part of you thinks that this is the way that you'll win her over.

Like I said before, you really should be spending time with other girls and on the side, talk to this one every once and a while.

I think a lot of guys can attest to what I said previously, of the dangers of hanging out with one singular girl and who you spend a lot of time. You'd be fooling yourself if you think that you can keep it platonic.

No I meant that as a joke because you guys were suggesting that maybe I should see if she's willing to bring any notion of friendship or just playing me for a shoulder to cry on. I am not looking for anything to do with her--a few days ago, weeks ago, I was really fine with the idea that I was never going to have to see her face ever again. Now, however, I have to accept the fact that she's going to be around a lot -- BOTH IN SCHOOL AND AT WORK. And I needed to know if it was possible to keep things at arms length -- just be "friends" instead of making it awkward.

Am I fooling myself thinking that I can keep it platonic? I think I have to trust myself to be able to do that. She's in love with someone else. That in itself is a big deal breaker right there.

And don't worry about my looking at other girls :P I'm definitely not fixated on this one anymore.

Nave, do you and her have any friends in common?

If so, maybe the best thing to do at first is hang out together with other people. Don't make it a one one one thing only. Invite her to hang out with you and a few friends. That way it isn't anything resembling a date and you start off on a clearly plutonic ground.

But when you're in the same class and the same job, you've been close in the past and have a lot in common, and you've never once only been her friend because you felt sorry for her... chances are you can still enjoy each others company without it having to be this big awkward thing.

And that could very well turn back into the friendship it was. Which it sounds like, was something that DID benefit him too.

That's actually a great idea. I did keep my distance and tried to avoid any one-on-one confrontation with her until today, and when it happened she broke down. But yes. We have a good few friends in common (one of them seems too eager that we're "talking" again -_-). But yeah, lets see what happens. If she wants to "hang out" or whatever I'm sure she'll let me know

Forget the girl and continue being Batman? Come on, this is obvious.

Bingo

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Skip a few weeks, I had missed a few classes, and today when I went back she asks me how i was and why i'd been missing classes and if it's because she had decided to come back. I said no. Asked her about herself and... welll... we started to talk. She... um... pulled a text-book "friendzoner" and started crying and told me how the new guy she's with (yes her old STILL non-ex-bF because, apparently, she told him about her feelings and he said THEY'd just be friends but still persisted on keeping her in a "loop" and whenever she tries now to push him away apparently he harrasses her with texts and phone-calls... see where this is going?) She got really emotional and said that at least when she was with me SHE never kept things ambiguous, and I agreed -- told her yes it helped that I didn't have to see her around. It was hard, getting over someone, especially when you like them so much, always is, but that it's possible and if she feels that this guy is manipulating her and "evil" (she kept using those terms) that she should. She said that at least when she told me that it wouldnt work i listened. etc.. she kept saying how the only reason he's able to "manipulate" her like that is because she has no one to talk to at night (which is actually true because her best friend left the city and...well... she isn't really the social type). I asked her for her number again and told her that i'd deleted it, she smiled at that, said she didn't delete mine? I told her to call me up if she ever felt like talking and then left.

Here's the paragraph that says everything you are this girl's pillow to cry on, and you've given her permission to be. As soon as you start talking to her again, she's telling you all about her boyfriend problems, then you say in so many words, "Next time your boyfriend is mean to you call me and cry about it, I'll console you, give you a pick me up and send you right back to the evil boyfriend". From what I'm reading this girl is using you, plain and simple, it's up to you whether you want to be used or not.

 

[Erzengel]

Am I fooling myself thinking that I can keep it platonic? I think I have to trust myself to be able to do that. She's in love with someone else. That in itself is a big deal breaker right there.

And don't worry about my looking at other girls :P I'm definitely not fixated on this one anymore.

Is she the only female friend in your life though. Telling yourself you won't develop feelings is always great in theory not in practice though.

But if you do have other female friends, then I wouldn't worry about at least being cordial to her.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Am I fooling myself thinking that I can keep it platonic? I think I have to trust myself to be able to do that.

Neat theory, but you've already tested it and it failed. Likely the next time will go much the same.

She's in love with someone else. That in itself is a big deal breaker right there.

Well clearly it's not a dealbreaker. I mean, here we are.

And don't worry about my looking at other girls :P I'm definitely not fixated on this one anymore.

Kind of like Erz pointed out with Nell 'bout a page back; for many of us questions like these are answered before we even ask them. Usually when I hear "evil boyfriend" I pretend to look at my non-existent watch and leave. I incidentally don't come to a website and ask whether that would've been a relationship worth pursuing. It simply isn't.

So the fact that, here we are, entertaining a discussion about the same girl we told you was poison before is in and of itself very telling as to how things will transpire if you don't just leave this one be.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm not sure if you've discussed your virginity status, I don't remember, but from the sounds of it you've had very few relationships at least. It's statements like these though that make me wonder somewhat exactly what the extent of your experience is. First off, like Erz says, I'm struggling to find to what end 'testing her awesomeness' will achieve. If she's just a friend then there's really nothing to test.

As I say, not sure if you've had sex but something I have learned from having sex is that when guys and girls spend a lot of time together, whether it's accidental (like sharing a class) or intentional that feelings start to emerge. In fact, if prison proves anything it's that without other options, the guy you're spending all your time with starts seeming like a good option. The girls I'm friends with are my friends, but the hot ones, yeah I'd jump their bones in a minute, but that's also the reason I don't spend all my time with them and do spend most of my guy on girl time with girls who will have sex with me [now]. Otherwise my time is pretty well divided up between lots of different girls, and no, that doesn't mean I have sex with all of them (in fact I think 'playas' often have a lot of ambiguous relationships they use to make their numbers look better than they actually are).

Usually the platonic thing only works if you have other reasons not to pursue a relationship. Like you're simply not attracted to the person or there's another thing they do for you already that you wouldn't want to mess up with sex.

Certainly reading some of Nell's posts I get the sense there's just certain things he doesn't understand about these feelings he is feeling. I still feel the same way about friends as you do, I think. I just don't value those feelings at all. They mean nothing to me

Also, unless you hit it and quit it, something you seem to take for granted is once sex is introduced it'll be all about sex. Sex is addictive, and much like spending an inordinate amount of time together can lead to sexual attraction, sex almost always results in some sort of emotional attachment. Also babies. They can happen to. Soon whatever relationship was there will be all about sex, whether it's a 'friends with benefits' situation or something that came about by dating and soforth. Non-virgins are painfully aware of how quickly they get attached (or rather some are, and are a lot more likely to be if they have had sex) but at the same time...

...It's just sex and doesn't really change anything important. Nor is it really based on love per say. Sex with someone you hate is as thrilling, if not moreso, than sex with someone you love or anyone else.

So if you're having a bunch of issues with her communicating or her boyfriend, guess what? When the afterglow wears off, those things are still there, and even worse now they'll be in your face.

I mean the fact is, with her, you're getting much more out of keeping her at arm's length.

I appreciate your long response to this, but.. what i got was sex, sex, sex, virginity, sex, sex, babies, nell, sex and... it's better to keep her at arm's length.

I agree with most all of them to be honest, but you and Erz are construing that line about awesomeness too much. I only said it because it was suggested that maybe she doesn't want to be friends but is just using me to feel good about herself. Which is something that, honestly, I was wondering myself. Even better idea would be to not test anything. If she wants to be pals she'll plan on something, I don't have to force my hand at all.

As for my virginity -- yeah I still got it. I'm also writing from a South-Asian, highly conservative Muslim country where dating is only just becoming a practice that more and more people seem to be open to. Sex before marriage is not only very rare here, it's hushed up to the point of denial. Don't get me wrong it's not a repressed society, just not as open to it as most other cultures are. People are still boning and getting their share of herpes just fine... and to demonstrate the milieu better: the only other girl who we know who has had sex is being blackmailed by her boyfriend (it's yeah that scenario is messed up). There are of course, those who are enjoying a healthy, sexual relationship without becoming criminal masterminds but their "secret" seems to be either that they're in a fully-committed relationship, or married. Sex is still one of the ultimate taboos: we're talking about a society that uses the term "Eve teasing" (wiki it if you care), a euphemism for sexual harassment, as one of the bigger crimes that lands you in prison. People are having sex, but no one dares to talk about it: having sex later that night is certainly never one of the greater presumptions that you bring with you on a first date.

And... um... no comments on babies.

As for my own romantic life? No not much experience there. This girl, which is crazy-as-weird, a few dates that didn't go anywhere, and before that in High School when people were even weirder (I guess so was I).

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Is she the only female friend in your life though. Telling yourself you won't develop feelings is always great in theory not in practice though.

But if you do have other female friends, then I wouldn't worry about at least being cordial to her.

No not at all -- most of the people I know in the department are girls, and I've always had a good many female friends--one of my closest pals is a girl from High School so yeah, though I stopped considering her as a girl a long time ago. :P

I'm not concerned with my ability to maintain a platonic friendship with a member of the opposite gender. A better question, that you asked a few posts back, was if I am focusing on any other girls romantically at this point. The answer is that I'm not "focusing" on any one else, or on this one.

But no, that theory is highly possible. I'll have to make it so because I'll be seeing this girl a lot, and I can't afford to develop feelings for her anymore.

Neat theory, but you've already tested it and it failed. Likely the next time will go much the same.

Well I don't think I tested and failed yet -- it was always "i'm friends" then it moved on to "i like her, i'm going to ask her out" i did that. it worked. she backed off. told me to back off. NOW, it's just keeping things casual. It's not that hard to imagine.

Well clearly it's not a dealbreaker. I mean, here we are.

So the fact that, here we are, entertaining a discussion about the same girl we told you was poison before is in and of itself very telling as to how things will transpire if you don't just leave this one be.

There's a very important distinction here (and you're probably laughing while reading this but) I am NOT hoping to get back into a relationship with her. It is a dealbreaker. The discussion we're having is "How am I supposed to act around this girl who I used to date and now she's popped up everywhere I spend my time at, and wants to be friends." And y'know, not "How do I get into her pants?"

For many of us questions like these are answered before we even ask them. Usually when I hear "evil boyfriend" I pretend to look at my non-existent watch and leave. I incidentally don't come to a website and ask whether that would've been a relationship worth pursuing. It simply isn't.

I won't lie that the entire encounter with her didn't shake my feelings for her, but again, i'm not asking the question you think i'm asking. Thanks though.

Oh and I actually got the answer last page remember? SO, how's everyone else doing?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Here's the paragraph that says everything you are this girl's pillow to cry on, and you've given her permission to be. As soon as you start talking to her again, she's telling you all about her boyfriend problems, then you say in so many words, "Next time your boyfriend is mean to you call me and cry about it, I'll console you, give you a pick me up and send you right back to the evil boyfriend". From what I'm reading this girl is using you, plain and simple, it's up to you whether you want to be used or not.

It does seem like that. I said that because I wanted to be nice though. Especially since she doesn't seem to have any one else to talk to after her best friend left town for good. I am being sympathetic, but only because I've known her for a long time. Doesn't mean I've become her pillow already.

If she tries that same weird push-and-pull the next time we talk, I'll call her up on it. Again, the only reason I'm "entertaining" anything is because I'll have to face her some time or another, and I later realised that she's working at the same place I used to work and my boss called me back today and wanted me back... this whole thing coinciding with her telling me that she "wants to be friends" after a good long while of "not being friends anymore" (which coincided with me losing the same job) just had a strange eerie vibe to it that, yes, ****ING RATTLED ME WHEN IT HAPPENED.

It's better to just confront her and have simple conversations than to avoid eye-contact like she's got the pink-eyes or something.

 

[Anita18]

There's a very important distinction here (and you're probably laughing while reading this but) I am NOT hoping to get back into a relationship with her. It is a dealbreaker. The discussion we're having is "How am I supposed to act around this girl who I used to date and now she's popped up everywhere I spend my time at, and wants to be friends." And y'know, not "How do I get into her pants?"

Dude, is that all you wanted? Way to overthink things!

Just keep it cool, don't ask to hang out with her unless she asks you first. After all, she IS in a relationship.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It does seem like that. I said that because I wanted to be nice though. Especially since she doesn't seem to have any one else to talk to after her best friend left town for good. I am being sympathetic, but only because I've known her for a long time. Doesn't mean I've become her pillow already.

If she tries that same weird push-and-pull the next time we talk, I'll call her up on it. Again, the only reason I'm "entertaining" anything is because I'll have to face her some time or another, and I later realised that she's working at the same place I used to work and my boss called me back today and wanted me back... this whole thing coinciding with her telling me that she "wants to be friends" after a good long while of "not being friends anymore" (which coincided with me losing the same job) just had a strange eerie vibe to it that, yes, ****ING RATTLED ME WHEN IT HAPPENED.

It's better to just confront her and have simple conversations than to avoid eye-contact like she's got the pink-eyes or something.

Honestly, I think you're fine doing things the way that feels right to you (which happens to coincide with how I think you should approach it ).

I genuinely think that this thread has become, because a lot of posts have been geared towards 'how to get the girl' or 'how to get over the girl', full of that kind of knee jerk reaction whenever someone asks a question about a girl... especially if that poster is less sexually experienced and relationship experienced than others.

Seemed pretty clear to me what you were asking. I don't know why everyone just assumes you wanna get in her pants, and that's all you want.

But maybe i'm just still naive in my thinking about men

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well I don't think I tested and failed yet -- it was always "i'm friends" then it moved on to "i like her, i'm going to ask her out" i did that. it worked. she backed off. told me to back off. NOW, it's just keeping things casual. It's not that hard to imagine.

I've never claimed this wasn't the natural progression, in fact I'm pretty sure it is. I'm not so far removed from "relationships" like this myself though.It's good to have someone who shares your interests but I'd let that person more or less just come to you. Like Anita said you can be cordial, and if she asks to hang out and you're actually available I'd let her do so. It needs to be her coming to you though. You have no reason to go to her, and I definitely would avoid becoming a receptical for her boyfriend problems. I'd politely say you don't want to talk about it, or don't care to hear it, because you don't want to be involved. When it's you and her the topic needs to stay on you and her, not her and someone else.

That's just a good practice for you because it keeps you from discussing her romantic life which honestly seems to stir up feelings the most with posters around here. Honestly I think when you hear someone talk about someone else, especially in a complaining fashion, you're tendency is to compare yourself, favorably, to them. So those discussions really only tend to stroke your ego because it all ends up being "you're so much nicer than him blah blah blah".

There's a very important distinction here (and you're probably laughing while reading this but) I am NOT hoping to get back into a relationship with her. It is a dealbreaker. The discussion we're having is "How am I supposed to act around this girl who I used to date and now she's popped up everywhere I spend my time at, and wants to be friends." And y'know, not "How do I get into her pants?"

Like I say, many of us kind of have this intuitive response to this which is "ignore it and try to be polite if encountered". There was this girl with a thing for me and I'm just not going there, and I was hoping she wouldn't recognize me but she did. It was awkward but I tried to be polite and quickly excused myself. I mean to me it sounds like you want her as a friend, not she wants you. You seemed very perplexed by her being around even though it seems like you're generally in the same social circles. I mean if she did seem like she was attracted I might read into these encounters as something, but I honestly don't see anything I wouldn't consider ordinary. This all kind of strikes me as an "omg she liked a facebook status" situation. I just wouldn't treat it as more than it is *shrug*.

I won't lie that the entire encounter with her didn't shake my feelings for her, but again, i'm not asking the question you think i'm asking. Thanks though.

Oh and I actually got the answer last page remember? SO, how's everyone else doing?

With that I consider the whole thing a murky prospect at best. By no means is anyone telling you to cut her out of your life, I'd just text her when you feel you need to and no more.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

(500) Days of Summer: "Just because she likes the same bizzaro crap you do doesn't mean she's your soul mate".

Wanted to put this in before the thread manager got here.

 

[Erzengel]

Honestly, I think you're fine doing things the way that feels right to you (which happens to coincide with how I think you should approach it ).

I genuinely think that this thread has become, because a lot of posts have been geared towards 'how to get the girl' or 'how to get over the girl', full of that kind of knee jerk reaction whenever someone asks a question about a girl... especially if that poster is less sexually experienced and relationship experienced than others.

Seemed pretty clear to me what you were asking. I don't know why everyone just assumes you wanna get in her pants, and that's all you want.

But maybe i'm just still naive in my thinking about men

Most of our knee jerk reactions are based on experience.

I think almost every one has a story where they pined after someone, they didn't reciprocate but they foolishly kept at it, because they thought if they were patient and a good friend, they'd think of them differently.

It could be totally different situation for Nave especially if he can "truly" just be friends.

But in my experience trying to be friends with someone, who you had feelings for and they didn't feel the same way, and there was a distance afterwards and then meeting up later and you're still single and no other prospects? Just seems to be picking up right where you left off.

And then say Nave becomes friends with her again and they spend time together, is it really that easy to say....well I can't afford to develop feelings for her.

Well you know how you can NOT develop feelings for her? By not being around her OR having someone else.