The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[ProjectPat2280]

I don't think so. You never gave that new girl a chance because you are not over your ex. Don't let your recovery from this relationship be dependent on someone else filling that void. You have to learn to do that for yourself and it's not going to happen when you keep making excuses for remaining fixated on someone who needs to not be a part of your life.

Cut her off. It can't possible make your life worse.

Yea I know it wouldn't make things worse. IDK, if she texts me again maybe I just won't reply. I won't know until that point comes

 

[Erzengel]

I agree with moviedoors, transplanting your feelings for your ex to some new girl isn't healthy.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Nah she's not doing any of that. She's not just seeking attention. I'll never tell her to leave me alone though. I can't nor do I want to. I don't have her on FB though, or my phone. That's enough seperation.

Do you hear yourself?

You'll not moving on, it's interfering with your other relationships, you acknowledge it, but you still don't want to just cut the cord. I mean you don't even have to be harsh and tell her to leave you alone. But you can't even ignore her texts or calls?

Erz is right here. It's obviously not enough separation, since the moment she comes calling, you're going right back to her, despite the fact that you actually HAVE someone else and were WITH that person when your ex called.

It's not enough separation because you're going to do the exact same thing the next time she comes calling.

Okay, suit yourself. Just trying to help. But I think a complete disconnect from her, while painful, would be really good for you in the long term and help avoid a repeat of your date disaster the other night.

Well I have cut the cord to a degree. Since we split I have not once initiated the conversation. She's not on my FB and I recently(last week) deleted her number so I couldn't contact her even if I wanted to.

Dude. No.

It doesn't matter if you initiate contact or not, the problem is that you STILL WANT contact. You still want her to contact you, despite you deleting her number, and you will respond to her the moment she does contact you.

You need to cut the cord, period. Not to a degree, but fully. You're not disconnecting from her emotionally, as shown by:

Yea I definitely know what I should do, but it's not what I really want. I just need to meet someone that takes my mind off her completely. The reason I answered the text the other night was because I liked my ex more than the girl I was with. If I REALLY liked that girl, I wouldn't of answered that text.

I don't think so. You never gave that new girl a chance because you are not over your ex. Don't let your recovery from this relationship be dependent on someone else filling that void. You have to learn to do that for yourself and it's not going to happen when you keep making excuses for remaining fixated on someone who needs to not be a part of your life.

Cut her off. It can't possible make your life worse.

moviedoors is absolutely right.

You don't "find someone else to take your mind off her completely", that's a completely backwards way of approaching a relationship.

You have to take your mind off her completely before you can allow yourself to find someone else. I was NOT able to move on from Courtney and allow myself to be interested in someone else until I flat out removed her from my life. And even then, it still took awhile. I had a hard time asking girls out for awhile, not because I lacked confidence or anything like that, but because it took me awhile to fully get over Courtney. But that process can't begin until you cut her out, and remove her, and allow yourself to get over her.

Can you get over cancer when the tumor is still inside your body? No... you have to remove the tumor, and then you can begin the healing process.

You can't hope for some magical girl to come along and take your mind off your ex. That's not how things work bro. YOU have to put in the work to get over your ex. Some other girl can't do that job for you.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

You don't "find someone else to take your mind off her completely", that's a completely backwards way of approaching a relationship.

You have to take your mind off her completely before you can allow yourself to find someone else. I was NOT able to move on from Courtney and allow myself to be interested in someone else until I flat out removed her from my life. And even then, it still took awhile. I had a hard time asking girls out for awhile, not because I lacked confidence or anything like that, but because it took me awhile to fully get over Courtney. But that process can't begin until you cut her out, and remove her, and allow yourself to get over her.

Can you get over cancer when the tumor is still inside your body? No... you have to remove the tumor, and then you can begin the healing process.

You can't hope for some magical girl to come along and take your mind off your ex. That's not how things work bro. YOU have to put in the work to get over your ex. Some other girl can't do that job for you.

But u weren't with Courtney, wasnt she just one of ur crushes? It's a little different in my scenario.

I mean I agree with all if you, I'm not saying you are wrong, at all. I simply don't want her out of my life completely. I think iv done enough with deleting her number and not having her on my FB page. But I don't ever want to flat out ignore her or not have her in my life at all. If I'm not able to get over her by doing this, then that's just how it'll have to be I guess.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

But u weren't with Courtney, wasnt she just one of ur crushes? It's a little different in my scenario.

I mean I agree with all if you, I'm not saying you are wrong, at all. I simply don't want her out of my life completely. I think iv done enough with deleting her number and not having her on my FB page. But I don't ever want to flat out ignore her or not have her in my life at all. If I'm not able to get over her by doing this, then that's just how it'll have to be I guess.

Courtney wasn't just a crush, no. We went for about 4 months or so through a lot of emotional mud together. We weren't ever "together", but she was more than just some girl sitting in a classroom that I liked. There was an emotional bond and attachment that we both had together.

The fact that you're saying you don't ever want to not have her in your life is boggling my mind. What positive does she actually bring to your life? Because right now, it looks like she's only harming your life.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Courtney wasn't just a crush, no. We went for about 4 months or so through a lot of emotional mud together. We weren't ever "together", but she was more than just some girl sitting in a classroom that I liked. There was an emotional bond and attachment that we both had together.

The fact that you're saying you don't ever want to not have her in your life is boggling my mind. What positive does she actually bring to your life? Because right now, it looks like she's only harming your life.

But you guys were never intimate, that's my point. That makes a whole heap of difference man.

Yea I honestly can't answer that. I guess I just don't want to close the door on her completely. I know I should, I know it would be better, I know it would make things easier. It's just something I don't want to do. I'm sure there will be a point where she texts me and I don't get that weird feeling and I look at the text like I do with every other text I get. I'm sure it's just a time thing.

 

[Anubis]

Your entire situation can be summed up by this one line from HIMYM

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

But you guys were never intimate, that's my point. That makes a whole heap of difference man.

Yea I honestly can't answer that. I guess I just don't want to close the door on her completely. I know I should, I know it would be better, I know it would make things easier. It's just something I don't want to do. I'm sure there will be a point where she texts me and I don't get that weird feeling and I look at the text like I do with every other text I get. I'm sure it's just a time thing.

Okay then Amanda. Or my ex-girlfriend. Or my 19 year old. Name 'em. I use Courtney because she's probably the strongest emotional attachment I've ever had with a girl, but you can toss in any of those other girls and the point remains.

It's been 4 months, virtually as long as your actual relationship. It's time to move on. And at this point, you HAVE to close the door on her completely.

"Don't want to" means that you're not allowing yourself to move on. And until you allow yourself to move on, your life isn't going to progress. You're gonna be stuck in this same position, waiting for her to text you, hoping that you can still get back together.

Another girl isn't going to come along and make you forget about your ex. You have to forget about your ex on your own.

 

[Erzengel]

But u weren't with Courtney, wasnt she just one of ur crushes? It's a little different in my scenario.

I mean I agree with all if you, I'm not saying you are wrong, at all. I simply don't want her out of my life completely. I think iv done enough with deleting her number and not having her on my FB page. But I don't ever want to flat out ignore her or not have her in my life at all. If I'm not able to get over her by doing this, then that's just how it'll have to be I guess.

But you aren't benefiting anything at all currently in this relationship. Honestly, what is the point of having her in your life? I said it a while ago, do you really want some new girl that you might actually have a connection with have to play second fiddle to her?

I've been in your situation and honestly there's relationships where I haven't talked to them in years. None of them know I'm getting married.

So I can say why are you clinging to hard to something? Do you think you're going to be "besties" with her? Are you, her, her baby dadd, and any new gf are going to hang out? You going to invite them to your summer BBQ?

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Your entire situation can be summed up by this one line from HIMYM

Yep. Spot on.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

It's one thing to be civil with an ex when you see them in the street.

I actually did see Courtney in the mall one day. We didn't stop to talk or anything. But we civilly acknowledged each other and went about our day.

It's one thing to be friends with an ex that you are genuinely over.

Amanda and I are in communication with each other. Granted, admittedly when we first both got back in touch, there was an element of both of us wanting to get back together, but me being 1500 miles away kinda put a damper on that. But as time went on, at least on my end, I found my closure, and I don't have feelings for her anymore, and I'm sure she feels the same way. So occasionally we drop each other a text message or even a phone call to say hey, and catch up a bit. And because our romantic and sexual feelings for each other are gone, it's fine. Nobody is pining away for something that won't happen.

It's a completely different thing to want to be friends with an ex that you are not over, and still want to be with, who's presence in your life is having a negative impact on your other relationships to the point of ruining them before they have a chance to happen.

First of all, you shouldn't be answering text messages when you're out on a date anyways. That's like, rule #1 of being on a date. Even I know that. The phone gets turned to silent, and I don't care how many text messages I'm getting over the course of the date, I don't check them until the date is over. WORST CASE scenario I'll check them when my date gets up to go to the restroom.

But then actually RESPONDING when it's your ex?

Bro, that's just all sorts of bad.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

So I can say why are you clinging to hard to something? Do you think you're going to be "besties" with her? Are you, her, her baby dadd, and any new gf are going to hang out? You going to invite them to your summer BBQ?

No, although her and her babby daddy prob won't be together come next BBQ season hah.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

First of all, you shouldn't be answering text messages when you're out on a date anyways. That's like, rule #1 of being on a date. Even I know that. The phone gets turned to silent, and I don't care how many text messages I'm getting over the course of the date, I don't check them until the date is over. WORST CASE scenario I'll check them when my date gets up to go to the restroom.

But then actually RESPONDING when it's your ex?

Bro, that's just all sorts of bad.

Oh I know. I would never of answered that text if it wasnt her # popping up. As I was doing it an alarm in my head was going off. It was as if I was sitting next to my own body saying DO NOT ANSWER THAT TEXT. Didnt matter.

 

[Erzengel]

No, although her and her babby daddy prob won't be together come next BBQ season hah.

Please tell me you aren't holding out hope that she will come back to you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Oh I know. I would never of answered that text if it wasnt her # popping up. As I was doing it an alarm in my head was going off. It was as if I was sitting next to my own body saying DO NOT ANSWER THAT TEXT. Didnt matter.

Why was your phone even out??

Your phone should have been in your pocket.

Next time, follow those voices telling you not to answer it.

Please tell me you aren't holding out hope that she will come back to you.

Unfortunately, I think you and I both know the answer to this.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Please tell me you aren't holding out hope that she will come back to you.

I'd probably be lying if I said I wasn't. I mean I still like her, I know that much. And our conversation when she first contacted me after our split wasn't definitive. She told me she still liked me and didnt know what the future held. I feel the same way. It's why I won't close any doors completely.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Why was your phone even out??

Your phone should have been in your pocket.

Next time, follow those voices telling you not to answer it.

.

I had my phone and keys in front of me. I always do that.

I tried to listen to those voices this time, what makes ya think ill be able to if it happens again.

Its just a time thing im sure. Eventually i'll stop feeling this way. At least i hope so, cuz im not changing, im not gonna remove her completely.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If you're not willing to remove her completely, then you're never going to get over her.

YOU are allowing this to happen, and it won't change until you close the door on her. That's the only way you'll be able to move on.

You're only keeping her around because you want things to happen with her again. So until you accept that won't happen, and move on from her by removing her from your life, you're not going to be able to move on with your life.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

You're only keeping her around because you want things to happen with her again. So until you accept that won't happen, and move on from her by removing her from your life, you're not going to be able to move on with your life.

Nothing is certain. With how things were after we split and how things are now, there's always a possibility, regardless of how small that possibility may be. We are still cordial, still care for one another etc. No one can predict the future. At least no one here. There's little details of our split and the moments after that iv kept to myself as they are too personal to share. So my situation isn't quite as easy to diagnose as it may seem.

Again it's just a time issue. Eventually ill tire of "waiting" or hoping things work out in my favor or someone else will come along and truly grabs my attention and if that happens I'm sure my previous relationship won't matter.

 

[Binker]

http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=463469

 

[ProjectPat2280]

http://forums.superherohype.com/showthread.php?t=463469

IDK man, that's all pretty self explanatory. She refuses to answer or talk to you, she's not interested. Girls will talk to guys they are in to. Period. There's playing hard to get and then there's showing they aren't interested. She's the latter. The one key element of all these different situations where girls weren't interested in me was a lack of communication. Like u I'd send a text or voicemail and get nothing. Or send a FB message and see they read it and no response. Those are NEVER good signs. As to why they don't delete u off FB, who knows? But that doesn't mean anything.

 

[moviedoors]

Nothing is certain. With how things were after we split and how things are now, there's always a possibility, regardless of how small that possibility may be. We are still cordial, still care for one another etc. No one can predict the future. At least no one here. There's little details of our split and the moments after that iv kept to myself as they are too personal to share. So my situation isn't quite as easy to diagnose as it may seem.

Again it's just a time issue. Eventually ill tire of "waiting" or hoping things work out in my favor or someone else will come along and truly grabs my attention and if that happens I'm sure my previous relationship won't matter.

Are you happy living so psychologically unhealthy? Surely you're not. You're probably not downright miserable, but certainly you know that things can be way better than they are. So why are you wallowing in it? Don't sit on your hands and wait for a Ms. Link to come rescue you. Just escape! Go into the Light, Carol-Anne. There is peace and serenity in the Light.

 

[Erzengel]

I'd probably be lying if I said I wasn't. I mean I still like her, I know that much. And our conversation when she first contacted me after our split wasn't definitive. She told me she still liked me and didnt know what the future held. I feel the same way. It's why I won't close any doors completely.

I had my phone and keys in front of me. I always do that.

I tried to listen to those voices this time, what makes ya think ill be able to if it happens again.

Its just a time thing im sure. Eventually i'll stop feeling this way. At least i hope so, cuz im not changing, im not gonna remove her completely.

Nothing is certain. With how things were after we split and how things are now, there's always a possibility, regardless of how small that possibility may be. We are still cordial, still care for one another etc. No one can predict the future. At least no one here. There's little details of our split and the moments after that iv kept to myself as they are too personal to share. So my situation isn't quite as easy to diagnose as it may seem.

Again it's just a time issue. Eventually ill tire of "waiting" or hoping things work out in my favor or someone else will come along and truly grabs my attention and if that happens I'm sure my previous relationship won't matter.

Even if things did work out, I could not imagine being in a relationship with a girl who had 2 kids from 2 different guys. And the funny thing is you keep using the words "like" instead of "love". The fact that you are keeping even a small amount of hope for this girl is very sad and I feel sorry for you that this relationship is something you deem worth fighting for when you can do so much better.

What I also feel is interesting is I've asked you twice what you are getting from this relationship and you haven't even answered it.

 

[ProjectPat2280]

Are you happy living so psychologically unhealthy? Surely you're not. You're probably not downright miserable, but certainly you know that things can be way better than they are. So why are you wallowing in it? Don't sit on your hands and wait for a Ms. Link to come rescue you. Just escape! Go into the Light, Carol-Anne. There is peace and serenity in the Light.

Haha I hear ya man, I do.

 

[Anita18]

Her intentions may not be malicious but probably naive. She may honestly think they're friends, etc. Blah blah blah.

Regardless it isn't healthy for either of them. On her end, she's in a relationship and pregnant, and keeping in touch with a guy she was intimate with who obviously has feelings for her.

And obviously Pat is having trouble letting go.

I agree. What does she think she's doing by keeping in contact with you, after broken up with you a mere 4 months ago but now pregnant with another man's baby?

Yup. ProjectPat, do this. This fixation of yours is not getting better and its actively affecting your life. You have to cut it off, all of it. My wife left me early this year and it's what I had to do. Less than a month after she'd done the deed, we'd been in limited communication, I called her and told her I was severing all communication. I knew I was never going to move on otherwise. It sucked. Making that call was one of the hardest things I've ever done. I was a sobbing mess by the time I hung up the phone, but it had to happen. It allowed me the space and the closure to reassemble myself. I was as low as I've ever been 6 months ago, and I'm as happy as I've been in years right now.

Just let her go.

Good for you moviedoors!

Telling her you have to cut off contact doesn't mean you hate her. It means that you're putting yourself first, even if it's painful for both of you.

I dated my first bf for 1.5 years. When we broke up, we knew it was best that we didn't contact each other. At least we were mature to enough to acknowledge that without having "that call."

Yea I definitely know what I should do, but it's not what I really want. I just need to meet someone that takes my mind off her completely. The reason I answered the text the other night was because I liked my ex more than the girl I was with. If I REALLY liked that girl, I wouldn't of answered that text.

As others have said, that's not the next girl's job. That's YOUR job.

I mean, it's hard enough finding a relationship in the first place, and now the next girl has to fight an ex in your heart? No.

I mean I agree with all if you, I'm not saying you are wrong, at all. I simply don't want her out of my life completely. I think iv done enough with deleting her number and not having her on my FB page. But I don't ever want to flat out ignore her or not have her in my life at all. If I'm not able to get over her by doing this, then that's just how it'll have to be I guess.

Really? For the next year, 2 years, 5 years, 10 years, you want to live like this? Just listen to yourself.

You don't have to cut her out of your life permanently. Just long enough so you'll stop considering a future with her. I attended my ex-bf's wedding and was genuinely happy for him. But for the crucial months immediately after the breakup, the ex and I didn't talk to each other. At all. We need to figure out our own s*** by ourselves.

Nothing is certain. With how things were after we split and how things are now, there's always a possibility, regardless of how small that possibility may be. We are still cordial, still care for one another etc. No one can predict the future. At least no one here. There's little details of our split and the moments after that iv kept to myself as they are too personal to share. So my situation isn't quite as easy to diagnose as it may seem.

So what? When my ex and I broke up, we still cared for each other. We were still friendly. But it was clear we weren't good with each other in a relationship sense. There was a reason why we broke up. When I was sad and lonely, I told myself that and forged on. Now the ex and I are married to people vastly better for us.

You say that you made the mistake in the relationship that led to the breakup, and I'll bet you'll say that you won't do it ever again if you got back together with her. But IMO it's just your desperation saying that. If you get back with her, it's very very likely that you both will be back to your old ways. Because it's only been 4 months, and you're still the same people.