The Relationship Thread: Single Posters on Patrol - Part 18

[Erzengel]

No, it means that I don't want to hear your complaining about wanting a guy with my qualities, but not finding it, if you're not wanting to date me.

The "demonize the friend zoned" campaign works off the fallacy that I believe the girl is somehow "wrong" for not dating me.

She can be attracted to or not attracted to whoever she wants. But I don't want to hear about it if you're going to constantly make the same mistakes and pursue the same types of dudes that you complain about treating you like crap.

I mean... if you say you are looking for certain qualities, but turn away when someone having those qualities comes along... then who's problem is that? Not mine. Maybe you're not looking for the qualities you say you are afterall...

So in other words, don't share your personal issues with me because while I'm regulated to being a friend, I still hold a deep seeded bitter resentment over you not choosing me?

I mean if someone is saying I wish I could meet someone like you, I'd either do one of the following: challenge them, and say, well I'm me or realize that they mean someone who acts like me but more attractive.

 

[Erzengel]

Does being impulsive and spontaneous and pretty much always seizing the moment have to be a lack of self respect though?

I mean, i've had my share of moments where I know I didn't respect myself. I've had sex before with someone I absolutely didn't want to, because I genuinely just couldn't be bothered to say no... I mean, I was in such a bad place, I can't even explain to you what that feels like.

This was nothing like that.

This was just two people finding each other attractive, and acting on it, without any pretention or lies involved to make it happen, and without any promises to be broken.

I will never regret a night like that

Though obviously that kind of behaviour isn't something I plan on continuing forever. I don't want the only action I get to be hooking up on pub pool tables when i'm into my 30s...

I'm not against spontaneity, impulsiveness or a carpe diem attitude. I was messing around for a brief time before I settled down. So I can empathize.

Yeah it is a lot of that.

It'd be really really nice to have someone actually be 'taken' with me.

To call me or text me and actually ask me out, to surprise me with flowers (i've never been bought flowers before), to invite me along to parties with the intention of us showing up together, to wanna hold my hand, be affectionate in little ways like hair stroking and forehead kisses, to go to great lengths to put a smile on my face when i'm sad, to want me around when they are sad because I make things seem a little bit less awful...

I've never had anything close to that (twell, nothing that wasn't a lie anyway), and it is something I know affects a lot of aspects of my life.

I mean, how can you be fully self confident when the truth is, no man has ever loved you?

How can you NOT take that knowledge and come to the conclusion there must be SOME reason for that.

And whatever that reason is, it's the reason your not good enough

I completely understand this. I think I've wanted to be in a relationship since I was 8. I always had crushes, but I had to wait over a decade until I was in college.

It's not silly to want those things and I know the feeling when it seems everyone around you has it.

Things happen in time and usually when you least expect it.

 

[Anita18]

Also, I don't think the stuff going on in my head is very healthy.

Cause the whole time and even this morning, I couldn't shake this feeling of being completely baffled.

I was wearing my black work polo shirt and black trousers, both baggy and unflattering. My hair was just bunged up in a pony tail and not the cleanest. I came straight from work, so my make up was all in dissary.

Why on earth was he so attracted to me? Why did I even get him horny?

Cause personally, I looked in the mirror and what I saw was so far from sexy or even attractive

The hubs told me I was beautiful when I was sick in bed with the stomach flu and hadn't bathed for a week. I photograph horribly IMO but he still honestly says I'm beautiful in every single one.

You just don't question it anymore.

Yeah I guess so. I dunno, it's my weight that bothers me most, and I keep trying to get it through my head that some men actually prefer some 'cushion for the pushing', but I can't help it - when I look in the mirror, I don't find my body attractive. So it confuses me that someone else does.

I have a friend like that. I mean, I believe she has a gorgeous figure, but she has serious body issues thanks to her mom, and she doesn't see how it's attractive. It's sad.

It'd be really really nice to have someone actually be 'taken' with me.

To call me or text me and actually ask me out, to surprise me with flowers (i've never been bought flowers before), to invite me along to parties with the intention of us showing up together, to wanna hold my hand, be affectionate in little ways like hair stroking and forehead kisses, to go to great lengths to put a smile on my face when i'm sad, to want me around when they are sad because I make things seem a little bit less awful...

My husband still doesn't do the bolded stuff. But he's really not the kind of guy who engages in PDA. YMMV with that.

He did try bringing me flowers once, and the heads started falling off when I brought them inside. I told him I didn't like them, so he stopped. Flowers are overrated.

I've never had anything close to that (twell, nothing that wasn't a lie anyway), and it is something I know affects a lot of aspects of my life.

I mean, how can you be fully self confident when the truth is, no man has ever loved you?

How can you NOT take that knowledge and come to the conclusion there must be SOME reason for that.

And whatever that reason is, it's the reason your not good enough

Considering what kind of girls are often in relationships, I thought it was a good thing that I wasn't in one for most of my life. The hubs and I are "different."

I think once you realize that you are "different" for whatever reason, the game is less "there's something wrong with me" and more "just have to keep looking."

Yes, but this "anti-guys who get friend zoned" movement basically demonizes the guy for being disappointed about being "friend zoned" or turned down for another guy. Most girls that have turned me down, I've been able to "move on and remain friends", and in the cases that I can't, then I stop talking to them and move on. That doesn't make it disappointing when I see these same girls whine and cry about how they can't find a guy like me, when I've been available all along, but they continue to go for the guys that they know treat girls like crap, but hey, maybe it'll be different this time.

It basically says that the girl can never do any wrong, and the guy is wrong for 1.) having a crush on the girl and 2.) getting rejected by the girl.

And for some guys like me, moving on to those "millions of other women" is easier said than done, because out of those "million other women", that's about 1,000,000 more rejections waiting to happen.

Wait, how does the logic work here exactly? How is the guy wrong for having a crush then getting rejected?

So the girl is either stupid or doesn't find you attractive. (Most likely it is the latter.) How does that mean you're suddenly "demonized?"

 

[Anubis]

7 times outta 10, it's cuz you're ugly.

The other 3 is cuz you got a hatred of women. They can smell it on you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

So in other words, don't share your personal issues with me because while I'm regulated to being a friend, I still hold a deep seeded bitter resentment over you not choosing me?

I mean if someone is saying I wish I could meet someone like you, I'd either do one of the following: challenge them, and say, well I'm me or realize that they mean someone who acts like me but more attractive.

No... don't share your personal issues with me because you know I have feelings for you, and you constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough for you isn't what I want to hear.

Wait, how does the logic work here exactly? How is the guy wrong for having a crush then getting rejected?

So the girl is either stupid or doesn't find you attractive. (Most likely it is the latter.) How does that mean you're suddenly "demonized?"

I dunno, you tell me. I'm not the one making generalizations and calling out guys that get friend zoned and telling them that their reaction to it is incorrect.

 

[Anita18]

No... don't share your personal issues with me because you know I have feelings for you, and you constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough for you isn't what I want to hear.

Again, I hate it when people use the word "good." There's only preferences.

And if a guy wanted a girl like me but who wasn't me, I'd just figure he was stupid and didn't know what he wanted.

I dunno, you tell me. I'm not the one making generalizations and calling out guys that get friend zoned and telling them that their reaction to it is incorrect.

I don't think anyone here is saying that being disappointed is wrong. It's a feeling, and you're not wrong for feeling certain things. There's a reason why you feel them.

People here are saying that you should move the eff on and not get stuck on being rejected. That's all.

 

[Erzengel]

No... don't share your personal issues with me because you know I have feelings for you, and you constantly reminding me that I'm not good enough for you isn't what I want to hear.

I dunno, you tell me. I'm not the one making generalizations and calling out guys that get friend zoned and telling them that their reaction to it is incorrect.

I remember carrying the "friend/nice" banner years ago. It gets you nowhere and just makes you bitter because if you're sore about society making generalizations about guys getting friendzoned. You start making your own generalizations about girls which you have already seem to have started.

Let's take a look at the other side of the spectrum, a guy does charity work, and constantly reminds others of what he's doing and how good of a person he is. Doesn't that take away from from his actions because he doesn't have a little humility?

I understand how frustrating it is but if you had a male friend constantly bemoaning that he can't find a nice girl I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem listening to him more.

And yes it's different for you because you do have feelings/feel spurned/bitter that you feel you'd be a decent guy to her but you either have to stop being someone's friend or get over it like I said before.

There's just the way things are. There are girls who date losers. There are guys who date nutjobs. We can make generalizations about both genders.

I don't know what else I can say about it. If you have feelings for someone, and they let you know, don't settle for being friends because a lot of people can't handle it. You can't handle it. I'm sure if you were dating someone else, you could. I thought you would understand the flip side because when you were in school, there was a girl there people wanted you to get with and you said no because you weren't attracted to her. What if that girl had all the qualities you want and looked like Anna Kendrick? Would you still have passed her over?

 

[Anubis]

Anna Kendrick is kinda fugly. Pick somebody better looking.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I remember carrying the "friend/nice" banner years ago. It gets you nowhere and just makes you bitter because if you're sore about society making generalizations about guys getting friendzoned. You start making your own generalizations about girls which you have already seem to have started.

Let's take a look at the other side of the spectrum, a guy does charity work, and constantly reminds others of what he's doing and how good of a person he is. Doesn't that take away from from his actions because he doesn't have a little humility?

I understand how frustrating it is but if you had a male friend constantly bemoaning that he can't find a nice girl I'm sure you wouldn't have a problem listening to him more.

And yes it's different for you because you do have feelings/feel spurned/bitter that you feel you'd be a decent guy to her but you either have to stop being someone's friend or get over it like I said before.

There's just the way things are. There are girls who date losers. There are guys who date nutjobs. We can make generalizations about both genders.

I don't know what else I can say about it. If you have feelings for someone, and they let you know, don't settle for being friends because a lot of people can't handle it. You can't handle it. I'm sure if you were dating someone else, you could. I thought you would understand the flip side because when you were in school, there was a girl there people wanted you to get with and you said no because you weren't attracted to her. What if that girl had all the qualities you want and looked like Anna Kendrick? Would you still have passed her over?

If she had all the qualities I wanted and looked hot then of course I would date her.

But then again, I don't hide the fact that one of my "qualities" I look for is attractiveness.

And there's also the fact that aside from that girl being unattractive to me, she -doesn't- have many qualities I look for in a girl, other than being intelligent / educated / goal driven. We got along as friends, but even outside of her unattractiveness physically, she didn't possess many personality traits I'd want in a girlfriend.

Also, once I found out she liked me, I didn't sit around complaining to her about how much like **** girls I liked treated me. The only time I talked to her about girls or my ex-girlfriend is when she asked. If I suspect that a girl may like me that I don't return those feelings for, I'm careful NOT to talk to her about other girls that I -do- like, because I know how crappy that makes you feel when a person, who knows you like, constantly whines to you about the ways they are treated like crap by everyone else.

And that's the difference. Outside of just being constantly rejected by women my entire life, I've heard flat out from their own mouths what they think about me. And it's not very flattering. Beyond just the constant rejections, women have made it very clear to me that I never have been even so much as an "option", and am not going to be an option. You say I'm developing a "generalization" about women? Yes, I am, because they have flat out shown me what their feelings towards me are. And no, it's not just the 18-22 year old social circle that you constantly claim is the bane of my romantic existence.

 

[Erzengel]

If she had all the qualities I wanted and looked hot then of course I would date her.

But then again, I don't hide the fact that one of my "qualities" I look for is attractiveness.

Swing that around, maybe you're not what they are looking for, looks wise.

And there's also the fact that aside from that girl being unattractive to me, she -doesn't- have many qualities I look for in a girl, other than being intelligent / educated / goal driven. We got along as friends, but even outside of her unattractiveness physically, she didn't possess many personality traits I'd want in a girlfriend.

Also, once I found out she liked me, I didn't sit around complaining to her about how much like **** girls I liked treated me. The only time I talked to her about girls or my ex-girlfriend is when she asked. If I suspect that a girl may like me that I don't return those feelings for, I'm careful NOT to talk to her about other girls that I -do- like, because I know how crappy that makes you feel when a person, who knows you like, constantly whines to you about the ways they are treated like crap by everyone else.

And maybe some people are oblivious to the fact that it's hurting you?

But again, if it bothers you that much, stop being friends with them because you obviously are holding a grudge.

And that's the difference. Outside of just being constantly rejected by women my entire life, I've heard flat out from their own mouths what they think about me. And it's not very flattering. Beyond just the constant rejections, women have made it very clear to me that I never have been even so much as an "option", and am not going to be an option. You say I'm developing a "generalization" about women? Yes, I am, because they have flat out shown me what their feelings towards me are. And no, it's not just the 18-22 year old social circle that you constantly claim is the bane of my romantic existence.

So either you're picking the wrong women, or there's something wrong with what you're doing or who you are.

I'm just trying to be honest about the age thing. Are there people who are in their 30s with girls in their late teens and early twenties? Yes.

Further, I think college is one of the best places to meet people. And I know you bring up the other girls who are older who are no better than the 18-22 year olds or otherwise attached.

But if you looked like Channing Tatum I'm sure girls would be throwing their panties at you. I'm guessing you're not, and you're like the rest of us, using what you have to find those specific girls who you can find a connection with.

The reason why I've harped on you dating olderr girls, is in my experience, some girls as they mature don't go for just the exterior and are looking for substance.

 

[Anubis]

Or, you know, plastic surgery.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Nell, the truth is, if your someone's friend that = listening to their problems.

It doesn't matter how repetative they are, how illogical and blind they are being about the fact they put themselves in that situation. And it doesn't matter that it's slightly annoying to you because you'd treat them better but they don't see you that way.

You just listen, you comfort them, you tell them they are worth more and that they'll find someone, and you don't even get annoyed when they don't take any of your advice and go and screw it all up for themselves all over again

That's just friendship. Sometimes it involves an inhuman amount of patience and 'taking it on the chin'.

And if their equally as good a friend, they'll be there the 50th time you show up ******** about the same girl too. And they'll listen, tell you your worth more, and not hate you when you don't listen to a word they say either.

People aren't logical about love. Expecting them to be, and being annoyed when they aren't, is pretty crazy.

Now, if the girls your talking about aren't actually WORTH all that time and effort because they a) don't reciprocate when you need to talk or b) you don't enjoy their friendship enough to put up with that kind of stuff, then don't spend so much time with them. Don't jump when they call.

If your listening to a girl rant about stuff you don't care about when you don't actually get that much out of the friendship, then one of two things is true:

You are either so polite that you absolutely CAN'T say no to anyone

Or your trying to get in her pants

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well, I must commend you for that. To have 5 successfully and neither one of you caught feelings? You're pretty damn good.

Well I don't get feelings anymore, and mostly if a guy wants to be FB's, it's because they are the kind of guy who are capable of seeing sex as just something fun but not want to commit or date.

Well, that is true but it isn't what I originally meant. I just meant those people who use sex to get this kind of feeling of being or feeling wanted. These people have voids that end up getting filled temporarily but it never sustains. Then it's on to the next one like a cycle. I've known a few females friends who have felt this way, but I know males can do this too.

Or those who use sex to justify that they are hot s***. The gratitude of "Hell yeah, I'm good." A bolstering of self-esteem.

Yeah... That sounds about right tbh.

Honestly, I'd hope that you weren't hoping that a potential future FB will end up marrying you. As cheesy as it sounds, you don't want that to be the foundation of your relationship. I mean hell, the fact that you are having multiple FBs means that you are doing something right. You and him are having some kind of connection at first...unless you are either meeting at a club or meeting up over the internet. I doubt it's those last two.

Personally I'd have no problem starting a relationship on the foundation of an immediate connection that lead to immediate passion.

But he's been totally up front about where he is in terms of commitment, and I'm fine with that. At least I know where I stand.

So no, I won't be thinking of marrying him

But if we'd had sex and he'd said he wanted to actually see each other, that would have been fine with me too. Would have been great. I'd be all excited and nervous

An honest question from me regarding your last few FBs if you don't mind answering. How long did you two know each other before you did the nasty? Are you meeting these guys with the mentality of "I want to f*** you" or does it eventually escalate to that point?

Nah it's nothing like that definitely.

Right after I found out about my ex I was in a pretty bad place. He'd been my first, and I'd really held onto my virginity well and respected sex so much... But it just felt like none of it meant anything after I found out it was all a complete sham and he'd been screwing male friends of ours in the bed I lost it in (one I know of was literally days before I lost my virginity), and he only stayed with me as a cover so no one would suspect he was gay.

So enter Guy 1:

Local in my pub i'd known for a few months, 10 years older and an ex addict (though also to this day one of the fittest guys I know ) who spent most of his time sat in the bar chatting with me, flirting, playing pool, doing crosswords with me etc. We got really close, and I'd finish my shift and just come join him, and we even started going back to his and we'd just chat and watch tv till the early hours of the morning and fall asleep plutonically.

We got drunk one night, and I went for it, didn't remember much about it tbh. But it must have gone well, cause he was very smiley about it. So the next time I came round his I went for it again, and the next day I had his best mate telling me a 'little birdy' told him he had the best sex of his life last night.

Do you have any clue how good that felt?

I'd just come from a guy who would sleep with me once every month or so just to shut me up, was ALWAYS on top cause he said he didn't like feeling 'squashed down by a beached whale' and would bat my hand away if I even tried to initiate anything sexual myself.

And I had no idea that it was because he was gay at the time. I just thought I wasn't sexy and that I just didn't get how to turn a guy on and make him want sex.

So yeah, this new guy did wonders for my self esteem. But he said he didn't wanna lead me on, and kept worrying about me getting hurt cause I was so much younger than him and stuff.

But I just told him honestly, it was so much better to NOT be in a relationship and not be LIED to, than have someone being false about commitment. It was such a refreshing change of pace, and it allowed me to be intimate with someone, have that closeness and company and cuddles at night, without worrying about what the other person is or isn't doing for you.

The only time I did end up getting upset with him, was when he DID start lying to me. We'd always been open and there was no obligation to be faithful, but instead of just telling me that he was sleeping with someone new, he snuck around and tried to keep it from me.

But meh, I got over it, and even now when I go home to visit sometimes, we end up hooking up, cause the chemistry is still there.

Guy 2:

A guy I knew off the bat was a bit of a player and dealt a bit. I'd known him for a good few years, but as a friend of a friend. I knew two girls who were both sort of seeing him at the same time cause they wanted him for his coke

He started hanging out at my pub more often, and I guess he enjoyed spending time with me because a) I didn't back down or take any of his bull, and b) I didn't do drugs so wasn't just using him like a lot of his past female encounters.

We hooked up, and I think that in the beginning he was actually wanting something more... He'd text me at work and he was being gently affectionate in the mornings and stuff... But I just couldn't see him as anything more than the guy who'd had two coke ho's

Guy 3:

Moved in with a male friend i'd known for years. We'd had an 'almost' history a few years before where we were going to go out and then mutually decided against it and just to be friends.

But obviously when you live together you spend so much time together and just get so close. When you add drinks into that equation, one thing leads to another, and you just fall into it. But neither of us actually wanted to commit to each other...

Eventually another friend of ours admitted she liked him and asked him out, and so he moved on from whatever we were doing

Guy 4:

My boss (at my old pub job) had a son come and stay with him who we'd never seen.

He was really quiet and shy at first, but I bought him out of his shell and got him dancing and stuff. He asked one night if I wanted to 'get out of here' and we spent about 3 weeks over christmas having a 'fling'. He even stayed at mine on Christmas Day and Boxing day.

Eventually he left to go and live with his mum again, and I never heard from him!

Guy 5:

A friend of mine for years, who is a horny little devil but I always felt he was a bit young for me (I tend to go for older).

He'd was single and hated it, and starting being overly flirty and hinting and complementing my ass and stuff.

One day I was 'on heat' (which is what I call the rare occasions when I am actually horny), and was going to play poker with him and some guys. We ended up bumping into each other on the way to the loo and snogging, then holding hands under the table and stuff.

Turned out he was seriously good at sex. Bedroom chemistry was way better than I thought it'd be. So we hooked up a few more times until he met the girl he's with now who actually wanted him as a boyfriend.

Guy 6:

This guy I'd been totally besotted with when I was 18, but had dissapeared for a while, came back into town and was a bit of a mess after breaking up with his gf. I had him round mine talking about some depressing stuff, and he was looking for some human comfort and I gave it to him.

He kept saying stuff like 'oh I should have chosen you all along', but I just didn't have those feelings anymore, and tbh he'd come back looking a lot less attractive to me, so I didn't want him getting feelings for me.

I made it clear that isn't what I was looking for, but that we could still be close and enjoy each others company. Which we did a couple more times.

He eventually ended up back with the same girl for about a year longer, before finding the girl he's with now.

So yeah, hope that answers your question!

That reason now becomes intuitive. Is there something about you? Personality? Are you the type to take initiative or do you wait for him to take the initiative? Do you give off obvious cues for him to act upon? Are you looking in the right places (because a big problem with some people is that they look for love in the wrong places)?

I take the initiative a lot, but only if I've picked up the right signals - something I'm incredibly good at, which is why I've never ever found myself in a situation where I've moved in for a kiss and been turned away. I can always tell if that's where something is heading.

Personality? I dunno, I mean I'm a bit mental, and will sometimes do things that my friends laugh at me for, especiallly when out drinking - a lot of the time it's just being overly nice to people.

I will make best friends with a hobo and sing along with him while he's busking. I'll convince complete strangers to let me lick their nose. Stuff like that.

But I'm kind, patient, thoughtful, even downright sweet at times. I'm popular at work, and even some of the 'cool' people who would usually never assosiate with someone like me (who doesn't wear the right clothes or know about the cool music) find themselves growing to like me once they get past that initial superficial stuff.

I'm smart, I'm independant but not intimidating, I have a wicked sense of humour and banter so teasing and flirting comes easy with the right person.

Downsides? I can be a bit down on myself, I can end up talking about depressing stuff without meaning too, I am WAY too open sometimes, I can sometimes confuse fun debating with relentless argueing that some people are just not into (though I've worked really hard at calming down with that).

I'm also a bit messy, don't take us much care with my appearance as I could, or my health (hence me being a bit overweight).

As to whether I'm looking in the right places - pubs, clubs, internet and work... All the places I spend my time.

Basically, I'm always looking

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I'm not talking about "friends"

I have female friends that I listen to their problems ALL THE TIME. One girl, from back home, is constantly coming to me with her irrational problems that she makes for herself in her relationship. She's got a great dude that loves her and treats her great, but she's so paranoid that he's going to leave her (even though he's actively talking about marriage) that she looks for any little reason she can to leave him before he leaves her. And everyday, when she comes to me with her new problems, I'm there to comfort her and help her through it and try to get her mind right.

I'm talking about girls that I am interested in. Girls that know that I am interested in them. Girls that know I like them, and want more than friendship with. Because yes, I tell girls when I like them. I'm talking about these same girls, who despite knowing that I'm interested in them, constantly talk to me about X guy or Y guy that treats them like crap, and how all guys suck, and yada yada yada. I'm sorry... if you KNOW that I like you, if you KNOW I'm interested in more with you, why are you going to constantly come to me about OTHER guys???

I'm talking about girls that say directly to me, or with me around, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not desirable. I'm talking about girls that treat me like a leper if I so much as even find them, or some other girl, attractive, as if me being attracted to a girl is the most disgusting, god awful act that could ever happen to them.

If a girl is actually my friend, and treats me well, I have no problem listening to any of her problems. But it's mildly annoying, to say the very least, if said girl -KNOWS- I am interested in her, but is coming to me about her guy troubles. Yea, sorry, if I like you, I don't want to hear about those other guys, and how you like any other guy on the planet that's not me.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm not talking about "friends"

I have female friends that I listen to their problems ALL THE TIME. One girl, from back home, is constantly coming to me with her irrational problems that she makes for herself in her relationship. She's got a great dude that loves her and treats her great, but she's so paranoid that he's going to leave her (even though he's actively talking about marriage) that she looks for any little reason she can to leave him before he leaves her. And everyday, when she comes to me with her new problems, I'm there to comfort her and help her through it and try to get her mind right.

I'm talking about girls that I am interested in. Girls that know that I am interested in them. Girls that know I like them, and want more than friendship with. Because yes, I tell girls when I like them. I'm talking about these same girls, who despite knowing that I'm interested in them, constantly talk to me about X guy or Y guy that treats them like crap, and how all guys suck, and yada yada yada. I'm sorry... if you KNOW that I like you, if you KNOW I'm interested in more with you, why are you going to constantly come to me about OTHER guys???

I'm talking about girls that say directly to me, or with me around, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not desirable. I'm talking about girls that treat me like a leper if I so much as even find them, or some other girl, attractive, as if me being attracted to a girl is the most disgusting, god awful act that could ever happen to them.

If a girl is actually my friend, and treats me well, I have no problem listening to any of her problems. But it's mildly annoying, to say the very least, if said girl -KNOWS- I am interested in her, but is coming to me about her guy troubles. Yea, sorry, if I like you, I don't want to hear about those other guys, and how you like any other guy on the planet that's not me.

If they are treating you like crap and your still interested in them, then it's mad hypocritical to criticise them for being interested in guys who treat them like crap.



Also, if you've expressed your feelings, and they have turned you down - did you not agree you'd still be 'friends'? Is that not why these girls are still in you life to the extent that you keep talking to them this much?

And if not, when you say these girls 'come to you with their troubles,' what exactly do you mean?

Do they call you? Cause you know, you don't have to answer the phone.

Do they text you? Cause you don't have to text back.

Do they catch you in the street or at a party? Cause you can say 'sorry i'm really busy' or just get up and go to the loo and then go and sit somewhere else when you get back.

If you don't have any real friendship with them, then why are you allowing them to use you as a shoulder to whine on?

 

[Erzengel]

I'm talking about girls that I am interested in. Girls that know that I am interested in them. Girls that know I like them, and want more than friendship with. Because yes, I tell girls when I like them. I'm talking about these same girls, who despite knowing that I'm interested in them, constantly talk to me about X guy or Y guy that treats them like crap, and how all guys suck, and yada yada yada. I'm sorry... if you KNOW that I like you, if you KNOW I'm interested in more with you, why are you going to constantly come to me about OTHER guys???

If these girls aren't friends and have told you they weren't interested, why are you associating with them?

I'm talking about girls that say directly to me, or with me around, that I'm not good enough, and that I'm not desirable. I'm talking about girls that treat me like a leper if I so much as even find them, or some other girl, attractive, as if me being attracted to a girl is the most disgusting, god awful act that could ever happen to them.
.

See above.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm not against spontaneity, impulsiveness or a carpe diem attitude. I was messing around for a brief time before I settled down. So I can empathize.

I completely understand this. I think I've wanted to be in a relationship since I was 8. I always had crushes, but I had to wait over a decade until I was in college.

It's not silly to want those things and I know the feeling when it seems everyone around you has it.

Things happen in time and usually when you least expect it.

Yeah it could happen.

I've also completely dealt with the possibility it may never will, and that I may just be one of those women.

Would make sense. My Mum was the same as me, until her boyf of 8 years. (She met him at 53). But even that didn't work once they'd moved in, and now she's alone again.

The hubs told me I was beautiful when I was sick in bed with the stomach flu and hadn't bathed for a week. I photograph horribly IMO but he still honestly says I'm beautiful in every single one.

You just don't question it anymore.

I think it'd take me a really really long time to trust that a guy was telling the truth if he said I was beautiful all the time like that.

I have a friend like that. I mean, I believe she has a gorgeous figure, but she has serious body issues thanks to her mom, and she doesn't see how it's attractive. It's sad.

Well yeah, but I AM a bit fat. That's not just me being down on myself, it's the truth.

I just have to remember that some guys do not mind a girl being a bit fat.

Man I hate that stupid word. It makes me feel bad, even when I write it

My husband still doesn't do the bolded stuff. But he's really not the kind of guy who engages in PDA. YMMV with that.

He did try bringing me flowers once, and the heads started falling off when I brought them inside. I told him I didn't like them, so he stopped. Flowers are overrated.

I love your stories, he just sounds like such a sweetie

Considering what kind of girls are often in relationships, I thought it was a good thing that I wasn't in one for most of my life. The hubs and I are "different."

I think once you realize that you are "different" for whatever reason, the game is less "there's something wrong with me" and more "just have to keep looking."

That's a really good way of looking at it

I do think that when I finally do find something, it'll stick, and it'll be something real and not just a relationship of convenience because I don't want to be alone (like some people I know).

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

If they are treating you like crap and your still interested in them, then it's mad hypocritical to criticise them for being interested in guys who treat them like crap.



Also, if you've expressed your feelings, and they have turned you down - did you not agree you'd still be 'friends'? Is that not why these girls are still in you life to the extent that you keep talking to them this much?

And if not, when you say these girls 'come to you with their troubles,' what exactly do you mean?

Do they call you? Cause you know, you don't have to answer the phone.

Do they text you? Cause you don't have to text back.

Do they catch you in the street or at a party? Cause you can say 'sorry i'm really busy' or just get up and go to the loo and then go and sit somewhere else when you get back.

If you don't have any real friendship with them, then why are you allowing them to use you as a shoulder to whine on?

Well a lot of these girls I do lose interest in over time because I see how they really are.

Although the difference being - there's not some girl waiting in the wings who is everything I CLAIM to want while I pine away for these *****ebag girls

But yes, I have been hypocritical before. There's one example where I kept a good girl waiting in the wings while I pined away over Courtney for months, not recognizing that Courtney was a ***** that wasn't worth my time, while the girl I kept waiting in the wings was a lot of things that I wanted, and would have treated me right, and I treated her like a *****ebag. To this day I regret treating her the way I did.

And I have walked away from these girls on occasion, but it doesn't change the fact that they have made it quite clear to me what they, and girls in general, think of me.

Thus, I have decided that I am done trying to pursue women because they simply put aren't worth my time. I have too many other things going on in my life to waste my time on a female.

 

[Doctor Evo]

Thus, I have decided that I am done trying to pursue women because they simply put aren't worth my time. I have too many other things going on in my life to waste my time on a female.

People don't criticize whiny friend-zoned guys because they're whiny, or because they're simply disappointed.

People criticize friend-zoned guys who say **** like this.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

 

[Erzengel]

Thus, I have decided that I am done trying to pursue women because they simply put aren't worth my time. I have too many other things going on in my life to waste my time on a female.

Until the first girl who even remotely shows interest, has you going against that.

Listen,finding someone is work. You have to put effort into it.

Anita sifted through how many profiles for 3 years until she found her husband. I see people give up after a couple of weeks of no responses.

After a relationship fizzled out, I went back out there.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Well a lot of these girls I do lose interest in over time because I see how they really are.

Although the difference being - there's not some girl waiting in the wings who is everything I CLAIM to want while I pine away for these *****ebag girls

What makes you say you are EVERYTHING they claim to want?

Just because they've expressed a wish to find someone with some of your qualities, doesn't mean they are saying they want ONLY your qualities. They want to find someone like you... with a bit of this and a bit of that too.

Think about all the things you claim to want in a women.

Like you said, you want to be attracted to them.

And just like you, these girls want to find someone they are attracted to. And they are not attracted to you.

So you're NOT 'the guy waiting in the wings that's everything that they claim to want'.

Your the guy waiting in the wings that's some of what they want, but not enough.

But yes, I have been hypocritical before. There's one example where I kept a good girl waiting in the wings while I pined away over Courtney for months, not recognizing that Courtney was a ***** that wasn't worth my time, while the girl I kept waiting in the wings was a lot of things that I wanted, and would have treated me right, and I treated her like a *****ebag. To this day I regret treating her the way I did.

And I have walked away from these girls on occasion, but it doesn't change the fact that they have made it quite clear to me what they, and girls in general, think of me.

Yeah, I still don't get it.

In what situations are they actually getting the chance to whine at you about their guy problems?

Where and when is that actually happening, if these girls are not your friends?

You keep talking about being 'friend zoned', but I think perhaps you don't know what being friend zoned is...

Cause to be friend zoned, it means that you went from what you were hoping would be a romantic involvement, to being their friend.

And now your saying that you aren't friends with these girls.

So actually, you've not been friend zoned at all.

You've just been rejected

I've been friend zoned by someone I had real serious feelings for. I was absolutely in love with him, and he didn't want anything more than friendship. And I stayed friends with him for years and worked really really hard at not letting on that I hadn't moved on from my feelings, because just being around him and getting to be a part of his life was really important to me. And I listened to all his girl problems, quietly thinking that I wished he would see ME sitting right here... but I never felt bitter or angry at HIM about it. It was MY CHOICE to be his friend.

Thus, I have decided that I am done trying to pursue women because they simply put aren't worth my time. I have too many other things going on in my life to waste my time on a female.

Wow... that's a bit of a bad attitude.

I really don't think your looking at the search for a relationship in the right way.

I meet knew people all the time, and when I do and we start talking, if I think they are interesting and there is a good flow of conversation and we're connecting about common interests and I get the sense that they are a good, fun, interesting person, then I might start thinking 'I kind of like this guy, I might see if there's anything to this'.

And if he isn't interested or it just doesn't go anywhere, then I still have that connection over common interests and sense that they are a good person. So i'd still be interested in their friendship.

It's not some huge effort that's not 'worth it' because I don't get relationship results and haven't done in years.

It's worth it because meeting new people and talking and having a good time is fun.

'Pursuing' (as in continuing to try and court) a women who has already said she's not interested - totally not worth your time, and no longer fun because it only leads to awkardness and bitterness.

Engaging in conversation with new women you meet that are nice and you get along with, and just seeing if it goes anywhere and maybe being friends if it doesn't and you enjoy each others company - always worth your time.

Finding a girl shouldn't be a chore. It shouldn't be like shopping for shoes and being annoyed when you can't find any that fit even tho you liked the look of loads of them.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Until the first girl who even remotely shows interest, has you going against that.

Well we won't have to worry about that, so I'm not going to focus on unrealistic hypotheticals.

Listen,finding someone is work. You have to put effort into it.

Anita sifted through how many profiles for 3 years until she found her husband. I see people give up after a couple of weeks of no responses.

After a relationship fizzled out, I went back out there.

Yea, cuz I haven't put effort into it?

I'm 30 years old, and I've been into girls since I was old enough to know there was a difference between boys and girls.

And since that time, women have shown me that they are nothing more than a waste of time.

I'm 30 years old. I'm a college graduate, beginning a career. It is no longer my responsibility to show a girl why I am worth her time, it is now a girl's responsibility to show me why she's worth my time. I'm done putting myself out there for these people that are quite frankly, undeserving of my time.

Finding a girl shouldn't be a chore.

But that's exactly what girls have turned it into for me. And it's exactly why I'm done with it.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

What makes you say you are EVERYTHING they claim to want?

When they constantly list off what it is they are looking for in a guy, and it's exactly what I'm wanting to offer in a relationship.

Just because they've expressed a wish to find someone with some of your qualities, doesn't mean they are saying they want ONLY your qualities. They want to find someone like you... with a bit of this and a bit of that too.

And when that's every single girl I've ever encountered... it's obvious that I'm not good enough for any of them. At least in their minds. And that gets verified by their very words... so yea...

Think about all the things you claim to want in a women.

Like you said, you want to be attracted to them.

And just like you, these girls want to find someone they are attracted to. And they are not attracted to you.

So you're NOT 'the guy waiting in the wings that's everything that they claim to want'.

Your the guy waiting in the wings that's some of what they want, but not enough.

Like I said, they don't think I'm good enough. So of course that bothers me when I'm constantly deemed "not good enough"

Yeah, I still don't get it.

In what situations are they actually getting the chance to whine at you about their guy problems?

Where and when is that actually happening, if these girls are not your friends?

You keep talking about being 'friend zoned', but I think perhaps you don't know what being friend zoned is...

Cause to be friend zoned, it means that you went from what you were hoping would be a romantic involvement, to being their friend.

And now your saying that you aren't friends with these girls.

So actually, you've not been friend zoned at all.

You've just been rejected

Lots of situations. Whether through school, or work, or other social groups, I am around these girls on a regular basis. Thus creates social situations where we talk to each other. And things get said.

Outside of those social situations, I don't talk to these people. Now that my time is ending in my current location, I don't keep contact with these people.

But that doesn't mean that there wasn't many instances of socialization with these people. That doesn't mean they haven't said these things to me, and it doesn't mean that I haven't had other people come to me about things that have been said to me.

Wow... that's a bit of a bad attitude.

I really don't think your looking at the search for a relationship in the right way.

I meet knew people all the time, and when I do and we start talking, if I think they are interesting and there is a good flow of conversation and we're connecting about common interests and I get the sense that they are a good, fun, interesting person, then I might start thinking 'I kind of like this guy, I might see if there's anything to this'.

And if he isn't interested or it just doesn't go anywhere, then I still have that connection over common interests and sense that they are a good person. So i'd still be interested in their friendship.

It's not some huge effort that's not 'worth it' because I don't get relationship results and haven't done in years.

It's worth it because meeting new people and talking and having a good time is fun.

'Pursuing' (as in continuing to try and court) a women who has already said she's not interested - totally not worth your time, and no longer fun because it only leads to awkardness and bitterness.

Engaging in conversation with new women you meet that are nice and you get along with, and just seeing if it goes anywhere and maybe being friends if it doesn't and you enjoy each others company - always worth your time.

Finding a girl shouldn't be a chore. It shouldn't be like shopping for shoes and being annoyed when you can't find any that fit even tho you liked the look of loads of them.

But it's not worth my time. Because what you described is not what happens to me.

I meet a new woman. We conversate, and interact, and we click over common interests. Then when I try to continue that, through calling, texting, going out, what have you... I'm treated like a leper, like I am completely out of line for thinking that there could have possibly been some kind of bond or connection between me and this person of the opposite sex that I got on with so well, like me having interest is the most disgusting and unfortunate thing that could have ever happened to her.

So that makes me want to continue talking to women why? How does that make me want to have a positive opinion of women?

 

[Erzengel]

Yea, cuz I haven't put effort into it?

I'm 30 years old, and I've been into girls since I was old enough to know there was a difference between boys and girls.

And since that time, women have shown me that they are nothing more than a waste of time.

I'm 30 years old. I'm a college graduate, beginning a career. It is no longer my responsibility to show a girl why I am worth her time, it is now a girl's responsibility to show me why she's worth my time. I'm done putting myself out there for these people that are quite frankly, undeserving of my time.

You sound like the origin of a Super Villain.

I know you've tried. But try harder. If asking 100 girls doesn't work, ask out 1,000. Keep asking. Ask out 2 at a time. Someone stringing you along, cut them off. Move on. Stop trying to force something when nothing is there.

You should know better not to muddy the waters of your career. Seek out to meet new people. Whether it be a social club or internet, just don't give up.

And while you seem resigned to giving up, this almost "woman hating" attitude is only going to keep you from meeting someone.