With Hawkman coming, i do hope we get...
Is this thing on?
Heyyy, Cisco here, comin’ at you live from my parents’ house.
Good news first: I’m alive and no one is pressing charges –shout-out to my main man Joe over at CCPD for having my back! Bad news? I accidentally burned down my apartment.
Let me catch you up. Ever since Dr. Wells - AKA Dr. Evil - told me I was affected by the particle accelerator explosion, I have been freaking out. Now I know Barry’s a hero, but most meta-humans are evil jerks who like to steal, maim and kill (see my earlier entries about the pipeline). I had to find out 1) if Dr. Wells was telling the truth and 2) what kind of powers I have (please please pleeease let me fly). So I decided to run some preliminary diagnostics on myself…in my apartment.
Lemme tell ya, not having the state-of-the-art setup (and budget) I had going on at S.T.A.R. Labs makes experimenting on myself tricky,to say the least. My latest undertaking was to test my protoplasmic conductivity. The human body already absorbs and emits electricity, so by utilizing proprietary frequency-sequencing, I figured I could determine whether or not I had any enhanced electroreception capabilities. To test conductivity, I needed juice. LOTS of it. With the help of additional resistors, some amp breakers strung in parallel, and some Cisco finesse, I was able to MacGyver my humble abode into Central City’s smallest power station. Success! For a hot second. Did I mention that the landlord’s idea of throwback décor consists of fabric wallpaper and shag carpet? Put the two together and you’ve got an incendiary disaster.
Now my apartment is gone (along with most of my eyebrows) and I’m back to living with the rents. It’s not too bad, I mean Mom is trying to make me eat healthier but it’s easier to coordinate viewings of our favorite show – Jane The Virgin.
I am hella bummed about being no closer to discovering what my alleged meta-human capability is. So far, I’ve discovered that I ‘m not flame ******ant, I can’t move objects across the room with my mind, and as far as I know, I have no ability whatsoever to communicate with sea creatures (womp womp). I can just see Dr. Wells smirking at me with those deceptively twinkly eyes.
Oh crap! I hear Mom fumbling at the door. Probably balancing an armload of vegetables and sprouted whole grains. Time to duck out and make a beeline for the nearest Big Belly where the only veggie is deep-fried and dipped in ketchup. Holla!
Cisco Ramon, over and out.
- Posted: October 5, 2015
Dim the lights, nuke some Pop Secret, and prime yourself for the epic (and overdue) reunion of the S.T.A.R. Labs team. Parental discretion advised.
The set-up: It had been lonely these past six months. Like, Titanic-soundtrack-on-repeat, lonely. Caitlin had buried herself in work at Mercury Labs, Barry was Lone Rangering it up, and I was stuck spending Friday nights at Zumba with my mom and her friends from the Historical Preservation Society (Mrs. Martinez, you got the moves like Jagger, girl!). So now that the band is officially back together (and better than ever!), it only seemed appropriate that we do a little celebrating. Or a lot of celebrating…
Cut to: A south side dive bar. Karaoke night. Anyone else think it’s totally unfair that Barry can run faster than the speed of light and has the voice of an angel? I was feeling all the feels and bawling like a baby when he belted out Neil Diamond - then again, I was on my third Blue Hawaiian, so my inhibitions were already more or less abandoned. It was Caitlin’s earsplitting rendition of “Wrecking Ball” that sobered me up enough to realize we needed to peace out before we were thrown out…
We stopped at a Big Belly to fill up on greasy goodness before hitting the next joint, which ended up being a Hells Angels hotspot. Fun fact: big, beefy bikers don’t like it when you hop on their ride and begin reenacting the epic chase scene from The Matrix Reloaded. Oops. I was seconds away from being taco meat at the hands of a Marlon Brando-wannabe when my boy Barry stepped in and proposed a challenge: a drink off - he who is left standing gets to decide my fate. Check it: Mr. Brando sauntered up to the bar, thinking he’d demolish Barry after three shots. But little did he know about Barry’s secret weapon: a lightening-fast metabolism. He could chug the entire liquor cabinet of a well-endowed frat and feel nada.
Eleven shots apiece later and the giant was felled! We booked it outta there (fully intact!) and took refuge in S.T.A.R. Labs, where Caitlin used some copper refrigerator tubing to make some nasty cortex cocktail that tasted like rocket fuel. And for future reference: the acoustics in the pipeline are dope. We cranked some tunes (Cisco Disco, baby!) and Zumba-ed the night away.
I’m home now, praying to the porcelain god that my suffering will soon be brought to and end. It kinda feels like there’s a horned beetle chewing its way through my amygdala, but I wouldn’t trade last night for anything.
- Posted: October 12, 2015
The BootLeg shackles on steroids. This thing packs some serious heat (I’m talking 90,000 volts of nerve-frying juice). Just ready, aim, and fire – bam! You’ve caught yourself a meta! Theoretically. Not my fault its debut coincided with a freak of nature who could actually harness the energy and blow up into a Goliath of sheer radioactive terror… It just needs some minor recalibration, some TLC, and a second chance.
- Posted: October 14, 2015
With all the craziness going down recently – doppelgängers and breaches and Earth-2, oh my! - it’s no wonder my chakras have been all outta whack. I’ve been having trouble sleeping, my back spazzes every time I blink, and (keep it on DL) I’ve been suffering through some epic indigestion.
So, I cross-referenced some Yelp reviews with some Groupon deals and crawled my way over to the Gordian Knot, a three-out-of-five-stars yoga studio situated above a rundown Southern BBQ joint. I was all set to clear my mind, refocus my energy, and rejuvenate my soul – at least, that’s what the sign on the back alley door promised.
The place itself was cramped and stuffy, but it smelled like heaven. Wafts of smoked meat and fried chicken kept drifting in, totally wiping out that Patchouli incense burning in the corner. I was drooling before I’d even kicked off my shoes!
I made sure to bring my own yoga mat – CCPN did a freaky exposé a few weeks ago on a nasty brain-eating fungi that festers in those communal sweat sponges and there was no way I was risking that. Mama didn’t raise no fool!
Things started off pretty well. Child’s Pose? More like “child’s play,” amiright? Cobra, Frog, and Dolphin Pose? Just call me Vixen, baby! I could just feel my chakras realigning. Between the Enya on repeat, the flickering candles in the windows, and the contact high I was getting from the incense, I was in the zone. That is, until I opened my eyes mid-headstand and saw the last person I expected to see.
You remember Shawna, AKA Peek-a-Boo, the teleporting truant who broke my heart? There she was – looking like a goddess in her curve-hugging Lululemon, holding the most perfect One-Handed Tree Pose I’d ever seen. What was she doing here? Did she dump her dirtbag boyfriend? One can hope, right? I was so surprised that I completely lost my balance and toppled over, taking down the entire row with me. I dislocated my shoulder and by the time I popped it back in, Peek-a-Boo was gone. Any chance she didn’t see that wipeout?
I haven’t seen her since that afternoon, but I’m checking my six every time I walk down the street, hoping she’ll teleport back into my life. Maybe mama did raise a fool – a fool for love!
Namaste, playas.
- Posted: October 19, 2015
Dating is hard. And that’s coming from a guy who once hooked up a refurbished Soviet-era NK-43 rocket engine to his dad’s crummy Oldsmobile 88 with nothing but a Handyman toolkit and a vat of orange soda. Girls are different. There are no equations or blueprints to get them to like you. And there’s a certain void that even quantum mechanics and the latest tech toys can’t fill. Why am I waxing and waning about love? That foot-popping kiss from the Golden Glider last week (yeah, that happened) made me realize that sure, I get to hangout and kick-ass with a bonafide superhero, but what is a life of daring heroics without the opportunity to get a little romantical on the side?
Every other Friday night, while all the Romeos are out with their Juliets, CC Jitters hosts “An Espresso Shot at Love.” Basically, speed dating. I know, I know – totally lame, right? But the thought of kicking off yet another weekend watching reruns of Xena: Warrior Princess made me throw on a bowtie, pop a breath mint, and slap on a nametag.
When I got there, the ladies were already stationed at tables scattered around the room, doing some last minute primping and not-so-subtle-selfie-checks with their phones. There was a solid age distribution – everything from the college freshies to the middle-aged cougars. I had prepped my game with the latest issue of Cosmo (and those hair care tips are on point) so I was feeling pretty good by the time I plopped down across from Olivia, a super cute philosophy major at Hudson U.
Things started off great – she laughed at my Christopher Walken impression, she puts strawberry jelly on her PB&J (none of that grape nonsense!), and she totally dug my time-is-relative wristwatch. The pheromones were shooting between us like fireworks. But when she touched my hand with her French-manicured fingers, something happened…
All of a sudden I was no longer making goo-goo eyes at a potential mate – I was staring into a terrifying row of dagger-like teeth. My heart starting hammering, I broke out in a cold sweat, and there’s a high probability that I screamed like a little girl. What the hell was that? A monster? A meta? I tried to get my wits, but the vision swam and I was back at Jitters, the bell was dinging, and some overeager lothario was shoving me out of my seat so he could take a shot at Olivia.
I had to get out of there. I had to figure out what the heck I just saw. Guess my love life will be DOA for the foreseeable future until I can figure out what’s going on with my brain – I just wish it wouldn’t mess with matters of the heart!
- Posted: October 26, 2015
Halloween kicks Christmass ass. I mean, whats not to love? Horror movies, monster-themed cereals, that unique smell of a freshly opened cheap latex mask And not to toot my own horn, but Im a boss at the whole costume thing. Two years ago, I was a Deadpool Stormtrooper mash-up. Last year, my Xenomorph from Alien was deemed too scary for the kiddies. But this year was my best work yet. I was the Doof Warrior from Mad Max: Fury Road, complete with an electric guitar that spewed flames! Yeah. It was pretty awesome.
Every Hallows Eve, Professor Stein (miss that dude!) and his wife Clarissa convert their digs into a spooktacular haunted house. But with the professor out of town (I wonder if he and Jax have mastered the Torque Roll yet ), Clarissa wasnt sure if she could pull it off on her own. Enter Cisco Ramon: Halloween Expert Extraordinaire! I brought along some equipment a 360-degree autostereoscopic display prototype modulated to project 3D holograms of escaped mental patients (Tupac aint got nothin on me!) and turned their Martha Stewart home into a terrifying madhouse that would give the Bates Motel a run for its money. We boarded up their windows, hooked up some dual 15 concert speakers with Bluetooth to blast some creeptastic sound effects, and made sure the candy bowl was overflowing just in time for the first trick-or-treaters.
This years gotta-have-it costume? The Flash! How cool is that?! There mustve been dozens of little speedsters running from house to house on sugar highs all red and gold and causing a headache for the horde of hassled parents tagging along. I made sure to give an extra Snickers or two to each Flash I saw, but I totes got called out on it by a particularly broody tyke dressed as The Green Arrow. We got into a . shall we say . heated argument about who would win in a fight between the two heroes and I had to drop some science on the kid: Beyond just being fast, The Flash can throw lightning, vibrate so fast he can pass through walls (what we geeks call quantum tunneling), create a sonic boom by snapping his fingers, and, thanks to his capability of reaching infinite velocity, he can travel faster than the speed of light which means time travel, baby! How can The Green Arrow compete with that? In response, the lil brooder just shot me smack dab in the forehead with his toy bow and took a fistful of candy before flitting away into the shadows. I better watch my back I think hes got it out for me now.
Clarissas house ended up being the most Instragrammed location in Central City that weekend. Stein will have a helluva time topping it next year! But he doesnt need to fret on that front Ive already got a few ideas up my sleeve . Meta-zombie apocalypse, anyone?
- Posted: November 2, 2015
In the world of superpowers, I totally drew the short straw. Barry got super speed. Ronnie could fly and shoot fireballs. Me? I get headaches and nightmare visions of people being killed. Thats not a superpower its cause for therapy! But, my mom always said that the glass is half-full, so maybe its time to quit wallowing and see what this Vibe dude is capable of. Step one: Get in shape!
Joe hooked me up with a guest pass to the CCPD gym. Thanks to a donation from the Thawne family, its stocked with the latest exercise equipment (though I swear some of the machines are straight-up instruments of torture). I thought Id beat the rush and get there early, but by nine oclock the place was already hopping. My electric blue tracksuit stood out like a neon thumb amidst the sea of gray CCPD-issued sweats.
Where to begin? Ive never much of a runner (minus chasing down the ice cream truck or sprinting from my neighbors bloodthirsty Papillon) so I nixed the treadmills. The punching bags were all taken by the beat cops and the stationary bikes had been co-opted by forensics. I headed over to a rack of weights those seemed pretty safe. Id finally snagged Kendras digits so maybe Ill surprise her one our first date with two tickets to the gun show! Pow pow! I grabbed a set of 10lb dumbbells and started pumping away to the beat of Eye of the Tiger. I was really gettin into the zone when P. Spivs, Barrys new girl, popped up beside me. She grabbed the twenty-pounders and started doing some squats and lunges while lifting the weights over her head. That girl is ripped.
The endorphins were flowing, so I asked Patty if shed be game for some light sparring. Two seconds later, she had me pinned down, spread-eagle, with a knee on my chest and a triumphant gleam in her eye. Looks like Barrys not the only lightning fast one in that relationship! She offered to teach me some hand-to-hand combat maneuvers, like the deadly elbow strike and crushing ax stomp. I was really getting into the superhero swing (Zoom better watch his back!) when things went south Patty was a little over-enthusiastic demonstrating the nutcracker choke and I may or may not have passed out
I came to five minutes later, but by that point I was so sore and dizzy that I decided to call it quits for the day. As I refueled with a well-earned Big Belly burger, I got to thinking: my power is mental, so why should I worry about getting buff? If my experience at the gym is any indication, in a confrontation with Zoom, Id be dead meat. For real, Barrys the only who stands a chance. But with him out there fighting, hell need some serious brainpower helping him out! Maybe I should focus on exercising my brain. How about some Sudoku, crossword puzzles, or a stimulating game of chess? Yeah that seems much less painful.
- Posted: November 9, 2015
Whenever Im feeling down (like last week, when I realized my Girl Scout cookies had gone stale), I just pop in one of my favorite flicks, curl up in my Tardis Snuggie, and escape. No matter what Im going through, someones always got it worst like Luke finding out his dad is an intergalactic serial killer, Frodo walking barefoot across Middle Earth, and Indy being hunted down by Nazis. My boy Barry has been channeling Eeyore lately after the whole Zoom fiasco, so I thought it was time to reinstate Cinema Cisco and give him some perspective. Movie time, baby!
I hooked up a prototype 4D ultra high-def television in Barrys recovery room and downloaded Forrest Gump, Million Dollar Baby, and The Theory of Everything you know, real heartfelt, motivational stuff about people overcoming the odds and showing the world whos boss. I thought their triumphs would give Barry some hope and lift his spirits (my man Dr. Phil says a broken body cant heal with a broken spirit!). Turns out that was a bad idea. Just as little Forrest was being fitted with those metal leg braces, Barry asked me to turn it off. Apparently, Cinema Cisco was only making Barry feel worse about his situation. Back to the drawing board!
I stepped outside and hit up Joe. He said that when Barry was feeling low as a kid, theyd just go outside and shoot some hoops. Well, that definitely wasnt happening, but it gave me an idea. For some reason, STAR Labs never sprung for the ESPN sports package, but I channeled my inner Luther Stickwell (Ethan Hunt would be nowhere without his baller skills) and was able to bounce the Central City Miners vs. Star City Thunder game off a nearby military satellite onto our screen. Toss in a couple pair of replica Oculus Rift virtual reality glasses and it was like we were sitting courtside! Im sure the US government wont mind I mean, it was for a good cause. Ethical hacking at its finest, right? Plus, it did the trick! Barrys mood lifted as he got sucked into the game and believe it or not he actually jumped up in triumph when the Miners scored a last-second free throw and won the game! Dr. Phil is a straight-up genius. Three points for Cisco!
I fetched Professor Steins old cane (he hated that thing!) from storage and we got Barry to take a few baby steps across the cortex, me at one end and Caitlin at the other. It was slow going, but I blared the Chariots of Fire theme over the speakers and it totally worked. When he collapsed from exhaustion, there was a definite light in his eyes that reassured me Barry was on the mend. Just goes to show even superheroes need the love and support of their friends, amiright?
- Posted: November 16, 2015
yeah seeing that prove's that Cisco is now a precognition meta in this show . in the comic's he's not at all . he may have known when boom tubes were coming cause it was what made him meta human in the comic's being trapped with one almost tearing his body apart. but his powers were just creating earth quakes via vibrations after that happened and it was the source of his powers so it made sense why he knew.
and I doubt hawk girls a breacher or from earth 2 no less . But we'll have to see.
