I think, according to the mythos, Hawkman and Hawkgirl were lovers that were cursed. They are destined for each other and every time they enter a new life, Hawkman knows about her and their past, but she doesn't. So I'm assuming she doesn't know who she is just yet, but once Hawkman comes along, she will remember it all.
Just after the sugar-comas of Halloween and before the Yuletide cheer of Christmas comes a lazy, tryptophan-laced holiday filled with parades, football, and food. What could be better? I mean, what other holiday actually encourages naptime in the middle of all the festivities? But for real, Thanksgiving is a welcome respite to stop, check yourself, and really hone in on the good things in your life. So, pardon the cheese, but Im feeling all warm and fuzzy and want to give a shout-out to those things in my life for which Im grateful.
Kendra. How the hell did I land that tall drink of water? Meta-human or not, Im one lucky guy to have such a smart and beautiful hunny on my speed dial.
Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens. As a hard-core fan who has mastered the Princess Leia buns (hey, these locks are great for some cross-dressing cosplay!), Im already getting goosebumps about the big screen return to a galaxy far, far away. I waited in line for twelve hours to get my tickets to the midnight premiere and tickets to every showing for the following two weeks!
Family. After that whole kidnapping fiasco last year, Dante and I have finally realized how great brotherhood can be just as long as he doesnt try to put any moves on Kendra! He always has been a ladies man
Adeles new hit single, Hello. Tears every time, man. Every time.
Working as a liaison with CCPD! Partnering with Joe makes me feel like a total badass (have you seen my badge?). Central City would be in ruins without the Meta-Human Task Force and having the chance to protect my home makes all the late nights and stress-eating totally worth it.
Crunchy leaves and sweater weather. Central Citys picture-perfect fall has me ditching Netflix and running free like the carefree kid I once was (youre never too old to jump in a big pile of leaves!). Field trip to the pumpkin patch, anybody?
Big Belly Burger. Double-stuffed Oreos. Joes homemade soup. Orange soda. Sour Patch Kids. Bacon nachos. Basically, all the food.
Team Flash. I saved the best for last. Seriously, its been straight-up awesome working with my best friends again. Sure, things are hella crazy right now between Zoom, E2, and coming to terms with my vibing powers, but no matter what the world (or worlds) throws at us, I know that together, we can solve anything!
- Posted: November 23, 2015
On a scale of one to Adele, my breakup with Kendra is a solid 25. These past few days have been rough like, downing-an-entire-jar-of-Nutella-while-binge-watching-Jane-the-Virgin rough. How much do I have to eat until the pain goes away? I thought I had finally found the one, but how on Earths could I possibly compete with a reincarnated love that transcends time?
I decided to take a mental health day from S.T.A.R. Labs to wallow, but thats not to say I wasnt productive. I baked (and promptly ate) an entire batch of Abuela Ramons killer Everything-But-the-Kitchen-Sink cookies, wrote a love ballad for Kendra on my Vortex AX Synth Keytar, cyber-stalked Carter aka Hawkman to make sure he checked out (hes never even had a parking ticket!), and rolled out the trusty yoga mat for some much-needed zen. I tried not to think about Kendra, but that was next to impossible. I mean, have you seen her? Itll take loads of time and one of those flashy memory-wipers from Men in Black to get her out of my head.
Barry came by after work to check up on me. Let me tell you, a grown man in Star Wars jammies crying his eyes out to Whitney Houston doesnt make a pretty picture, but to Barrys credit, he didnt flinch. He even brought reinforcements: he sped off to Coast City for a stack of his favorite pizza (pepperoni, black olives, and jalapenos) and he brought along a bottle of Joes homemade whiskey which, I learned after the fact, is 140 proof and should not be guzzled like orange soda. Had I been of rational mind, I wouldve asked Barry to hide my phone. The whiskey had me feeling all warm and fuzzy inside and imbued me with the confidence to call Kendra, leave a message declaring my undying love for her, and play her my Keytar ballad. Even The Flash wasnt fast enough to stop me, but Barry did, at least, knock the phone out of my hand right before I broke into the rap. His look of horror brought me stone cold sober and those fuzzy feelings were replaced with sheer terror Frak! What had I done?
I ran to my computer and pulled all the stops on my hacking skillz (which was incredibly challenging as I was, at this point, seeing triple). I located Kendras phone signal via GPS (shed left town with Carter and was out near St. Roch) and Barry sped off to retrieve her phone, erase the incriminating voicemail, and return the device safely to her pocket before she even knew what had happened. Crisis averted. We celebrated with a few more rounds of whiskey before I curled up in the fetal position on the sofa and drifted off to sleep, during which I had the sweetest dream of Kendra flying her way back into my life.
Oh, well. They say its better to have loved and lost to an Egyptian hawk-god than to never have loved at all, right?
- Posted: December 7, 2015
When it comes to New Years resolutions, my track record isnt the greatest. Last year, I resolved to get to work on time, but its hard not to hit snooze when youve been binge-watching Jane the Virgin until 3 a.m. The year before that was supposed to be the year of healthy eating, but then Big Belly Burger added deep-fried-mac-and-cheese-stuffed cheeseburgers to their lineup and you know I couldnt say no to that! So when the ball dropped on 2016, I didnt let the champagne bubbles go to my head. I kept my goal for this year a little more grounded. They say that charity is good for the soul, so I signed up to help out at an after-school program for underprivileged youth. Kids love me. How hard could it be?
Turns out, very. Now, Im new at the whole superhero thing, but I think Vibe has already found his nemesis: a particularly malicious fifth-grader well call Joffrey 2.0. From the moment I set foot in the building, this kid had it in for me basketballs were thrown at my head, glue was left on my chair, and gum was stuck in my hair. This kid would give the Trickster a run for his money! At chow time, I decided to whip up a batch of Abuela Ramons Slap Yo Mama chili (patent pending). I threw the top secret ingredients into a vat and set it on the stove to simmer. My downfall was stepping away to help a girl with her homework. In the five minutes it took to explain how to solve for x, Joffrey 2.0 snuck into the kitchen and plugged in every electrical appliance there was, which overloaded the system and plunged the building into darkness.
I was not going to let my tactical error destroy dinner! The chili was out it still needed to cook but without power it was getting chilly (no pun intended). I sent out an SOS to my boy Barry and he arrived within seconds with a towering stack of Coast City pies. The kids went wild both because they were getting a pizza party and because it was hand-delivered by The Flash! While Barry kept them preoccupied, I ventured to the basement to try and reboot the power. Little did I know that Joffrey 2.0 was shadowing me. I think he intended to lock me in, but when I opened the breaker and begin working my Cisco magic, his intellectual curiosity got the better of him. He was fascinated by the concept of protons, electrons, and currents there was a definite spark that went off in him (pun intended!) and it was all I could do to keep up with his onslaught of questions. Joffrey 2.0 (who, come to think of it, looked more like a Stark) was thrilled when I let him flip the switch and the power surged back to life. Back upstairs, he was hardly impressed by the Flashs speed he even told me, somewhat embarrassed, that he thought I was the real hero of the night!
Who knows, maybe Vibe could use a sidekick?
- Posted: January 18, 2016
How the tables have turned! The poker tables, that is. Barry had been in a straight-up funk since this whole Patty thing went down, so it was my turn to cheer him up. He refused to change out of his sweatpants and old Diamonds jersey, so hitting the Central City nightlife was definitely out. My solution? Boys night in! I figured a low-key night of gambling, booze, and bro time would be just what Barry needed. I sent up the flare to Joe and was just getting ready to leave S.T.A.R. Labs to pick up some provisions when Harry meandered into my workshop something about those puppy dog eyes made me extend an invite to join us. I mean, what else would a misanthropic super-genius from a parallel universe wanted for murder have planned on a Friday night? Who knows, maybe with a few beers in him, hes actually a tolerable guy
There is an intricate science to hosting a successful poker night. The cohesive chemistry of a group is vital personalities need to mesh, not antagonize. Due to ferocity and thumb sweat that pick up after the first few hands, theres a two-deck minimum (no one wants grungy cards!). The table must be circular and devoid of any floral patterns and real poker chips are a fundamental imperative no Legos, Splenda packets, or leftover Halloween candy. But its the food you serve that is the real make-it-or-break-it: nuts say youre a traditional guy; chips are for the conformist; prosciutto-wrapped asparagus screams poker night virgin. I decided to play it safe and stocked up on Chex Mix, pigs-in-a-blanket, pepperoni bagel bites, and beer.
We capped the pot at $100 (no fancy high rollers here). Harry claimed they didnt have poker on Earth-2, but Im pretty sure that was a total bluff. He was on a winning streak and with every hand he won, he got even more unbearable. Beginners luck, he said. Yeah, right. He cleaned us all out by the seventh hand - and the food wasnt even cold yet! Barry had suffered the biggest loss his head just wasnt in the game and I didnt want him to go home feeling even more like a loser. So, I proposed a way for us to win some of our money back a rousing game of Charades.
Barry and I teamed up against Harry and Joe. Those poor guys never stood a chance! With my extensive mental stockpile of pop culture phenomena, and Barrys fast acting, we left those guys in the dust. We had a few slips (my Casablanca reenactment was completely lost on Barry until he Flashed his way through AFIs top 100 flicks), but after that, we were golden. I think Joe purposefully threw a few rounds I mean, how hard could it be to guess Up? Being the prima donna that he is, Harry grew frustrated and quit. But whatevs - his tantrum was our victory! Barry and I won our money back and the game seemed to have lifted his spirits, enough for him to even crack a smile!
Overall, I think poker night was a success. Itll take a lot more to get Barry back on his feet, but maybe with his pile of winnings he can buy himself something nice - like that set of Swarovski Erlenmeyer flasks hes been eyeing. #nerd.
- Posted: January 25, 2016
My head is still throbbing from Eobard Thawnes unexpected (read: totally unwelcomed) visit and my subsequent tango with death. Im pretty sure the violent tremors in my brain would have registered a solid eleven on the Richter scale! True, Ill never know the pain of childbirth, but I am pretty sure the excruciating migraine and full-body convulsions of a timeline rupture qualify as a top contender for most crippling pain known to human (and meta) kind. Not to be dramatic, but I saw the light; it kinda looked like the luminescent undercarriage of the USS Enterprise and I remember praying, just beam me up, Scotty, when all of a sudden everything stopped the visions of other timelines, the flashes of the future, the seizures I was left with a searing headache and a heart full of gratitude. Barry, aka The Best Best Friend Ever, sacrificed revenge on his mothers murderer just to save me - if that isnt brotherhood, I dont know what is!
Caitlin was kind enough to whip up a custom drug cocktail for my bruised brain, which allowed me enough relief to veg out in front of a Firefly marathon for an afternoon. Sure, Ive seen the entire series at least half a dozen times, but this time, something really resonated with me. Step aside, River Tam, theres a new psychic in town! Now that my body wasnt being ripped apart by time, I had a moment to reflect on my newfound ability to freakin see the future! I know, I know with great power comes great responsibility and all that jazz, but I had to take it for a test drive!
I waited until everyone peaced out for the day, then I slipped into S.T.A.R. Labs to borrow my vibing goggles. Two shots of liquid courage later (relax, it was orange soda), I threw them on and found myself watching an onslaught of peeks into 2017, 2018, and beyond. Snapshots of Fourth of July BBQs, Halloween (that fully-functional Batman suit was badass!), and late nights in my workshop flashed before my eyes. I was starting to feel a bit queasy (these things should really come with a motion sickness warning) when everything slowed down and I found myself standing in a church. To my left was Barry looking hella sharp in a Hugo Boss tuxedo. Future-Me had a slick goatee and was sporting some serious bling like a pair of solid gold Louis Vuitton cufflinks. Shiny. Joe was also there, holding a bible thats when I realized, this was a wedding! Not just any wedding, this was my wedding! I looked closer Future-Me was sweating something fierce. Then the music started. I heard the rustle of a satin dress and was itching to know who my lucky lady was but I saw the look of complete and utter love on Future-Mes face and ripped those goggles off before I could see who she was. Some things are better left as surprises! But it is good to know that years down the road Ill have true love, rock-solid friendships, and pimpin style.
- Posted: February 1, 2016
Votes were cast. A unanimous decision was made: FIELD TRIP TO EARTH-2, BABY!!
If someone told me Id be willing to fight for Dr. Wells after he straight up stole Barrys speed, Id have you committed. So why am I? Family. I cant blame Wells for wanting to protect his daughter. If anything ever happened to Barry or Caitlin, the family I got to choose, I would commit the most heinous crimesdeceive any person that gets in my wayto ensure their safety.
Im pumped. Im literally going to a whole new worldheck, Ive never even been out of the country! I need to keep my guard up and play it cool, though: this world is RUN BY ZOOM. Hes got the home-field advantage so no one can be trusted from the get-goWells is proof of that. I bet he has his own Weather Wizard, too, wholl strike at his command. Oooh I wonder what the weathers like this time of year blisteringly hot, or toe-numbingly cold? But the real question is: whats my doppelgänger like?! I mean, hes gotta have major smarts and swag. Im thinking Steve Jobs, but sexier. Nix the turtleneck; Im talking David Beckham style. A smooth-talker who all the ladies pine for. Kinda hoping Ill run into him Now, I have some extreme packing to do! (Note to self: Ask Wells if theres a size and weight limit for traveling through breaches with luggage.) I cant leave without the essentials:
- Climate-Controlled All-Weather Jacket. But seriously, what is the weather going to be like??
- My homemade Anti-Zoom tech-kit: the Cisco-S.T.A.R.Box 3000, equipped with everything from wires and pliers to night-vision goggles and laser beams, explosive compound chemicals and radioactive agentsand everything in between. Cisco Ramons got you covered.
- Hazmat suit. See above.
- Camera. Obviously! Forget Nikon with some Cisco fine-tuning, Ill have the ultimate Tech Crunch showstopper. Im totally going to put my paparazzi skills to the test. Especially if Beyoncés doppelgänger happens to walk by. And when I get home, Ill put the scrapbooking skills I learned from Mama Ramon to keep a book of memories locked up in S.T.A.R. Labs, of course.
- My vibe goggles. How else are we going to locate Zooms lair?
Have I mentioned that Im a kinda scared to travel to a galaxy far, far away? Luke made it look so easy This is real life, and we are about to face against a villain that even The Flash cant outrun. Thank goodness for my ride-or-die crew. Hopefully with our forces combined, our mission will be successful.
- My Big Belly punch card. If they accept it out there, Ill be eating my burger for free!
- Posted: February 8, 2016
Im on the trip of a lifetime, right? I mean, how many people get to have Parallel Universe stamped on their passport? I should be hitting the museums, snapping selfies, and stuffing my face with Earth-Two delicacies. But its hard to enjoy a trip when youve just witnessed the violent death of your evil doppelganger and saw your best friend kidnapped by a maniacal speedster who makes Heath Ledgers Joker look like Santa Clause.
After the tragic showdown, Earth-Two Iris (aka Mrs. West-Allen?!) deposited me at the nearest aerial tramway station and zipped away to CCPD. As I let the crowd shuffle me onto the next tramcar (I was still reeling), I couldnt help but geek out over the nuclear fusion-powered metro with touchscreen sliding glass doors. I mustve been shaking something fierce though, because a pregnant lady offered me her seat. As soon as I sat down, everything hit me all at once. Barry kidnapped. Joe murdered. Caitlin evil. Ronnie dead (again - that guy cant catch a break on any Earth!). Where did Zoom take Barry? Is he locked in a cage like Jesse? Is he being tortured mercilessly? But, most important, how the hell do I find him? Without The Flash, its just me and Harry taking on the topsy-turvy world of Earth-Two. Even if we did find Barry, how could we possibly defeat Zoom? I mean, Im still a newbie at vibing, nothing like my power-hungry doppelganger, Reverb! Despite the man bun and predilection for blasting people, I didnt want him to get murdered. No one deserves that. What about his family? Did he have a girlfriend? Did he have a little Fido scratching at the door, waiting to be taken on a walk? My musing on Reverbs domestic life gave me an idea: maybe if I channeled his cranial kung-fu powers, Harry and I might stand a chance rescuing Barry and Jesse on our own!
The tram filled up pretty fast. Normally, Im a bit claustrophobic, but this time I was grateful for the close press of human bodies because it offered a shield to hide my attempts at test-driving Reverbs skills. There was an empty Coke bottle on the floor (a classic on any Earth) and I focused all my brain power and tried to move it. After ten solid minutes of glaring (I think I popped some blood vessels in my eyes from how hard I was straining!), I gave up. Images of Barry just kept flashing in my head and my stomach was churning with fear. How can I possibly hope to manipulate energy forces if my limbic system is flooding my brain with all the feelings??
I got so lost in my thoughts that I didnt even notice that I had circumnavigated the entirety of Central City three times. That was precious time to find Barry, wasted! As much of a pain as he is, I knew I had to get back to Harry and fill him in. Oh, frak. Me and Harry he might kill me before Zoom does the job for him. Time for some Pranayana so glad I took that yoga class a few months ago! Breathe in, breathe out. This is kinda like Star Wars: A New Hope when Luke has to learn to rely on his own instincts and refine his mastery of the force once Obi-Wan peaces out. If Luke can do it, so can I! All hope is not lost. We got this. I think.
- Posted: February 16, 2016
FREEZE.
Did that just frakking happen?? That twisted son-of-a troll Zoom literally clawed through Jays heart and mercilessly body-snatched him through the breach. If my chest feels tight, I cant imagine what Caitlin is going through. This is Ronnie all over again.
Deep pranayama Jay. Gone. Dragged to that monsters lair or worse. Is Zoom flaunting Jays body as a trophy, parading through the streets to instill fear? The people of Earth-2 must be suffering something fierce Gary Juless Mad World is playing in my head on loop now and its not making this any easier. Deeper pranayama I need to memorialize Jay for Caitlins sake I dont think shell be feeling too hot after this. Ooh, thats how I will harness the force; remembering Jay will fuel my rage against Zoom for targeting JayBarry tooand devastating Caitlin. Ill stake my claim in defeating that evil speedster for good. Let me engage with the inner workings of my noggin for a minute here to compile my thoughts
Oh, Jay. What can I say about my brother from another Universe? He was a brilliant scientist for sure, and he channeled the Cary Grant style really well those 1950s movie star looks and swagger. A hunky geek no wonder Caitlin got all flushed and jello-legged whenever they were together. Im gonna miss embarrassing them as a witness to their awkward love affair. Jay won me over pretty quick, too, with just two words: Speed Cannon. He designed that contraption real quick and was able to stabilize the S.T.A.R. Labs breach within hours so that Barry could test it out. He was so determined to catch Zoom after losing his speed to that monsterand eager to help Barry and the rest of usthat he frakking left his world to find us! But besides being a fellow science nerd on a mission that led him to a different Earth Hrmm Caitlin mentioned his doppelgänger had a different name here on Earth-1. Not sure if she caught it, though
Huh. Turns out I dont really know a whole lot about this Jay guy. I have no idea where he lived on Earth-2 or if he had any living relatives, who his friends were or even what his favorite snack was I must focus, as Mr. Miyagi and Yoda and countless other wise masters have preached Ill replace the persistent, depressing song in my head with the power of remembering Jay. Ill write it all down, and oh! Get it published so that the words are permanent and impossible to forget, so that my whole Earth is in on it. I mean, Jay risked his life to warn The FlashCentral Citys beloved heroabout Zoom. Iris will make sure the paper runs my tribute. Definitely gotta remember to ask Caitlin the name of Jays doppelgänger. May he be as wholesome and heroic as our Jay Garrick.
- Posted: February 22, 2016
Vibe GogglesExclusive eyewear designed to deliver immersive interdimensional reality. The wavelength trigger is a little finicky Ive still gotta figure out how to automatically tune to the frequencies of different Earths so I can take full advantage of my vibrational abilities. With these bad boys, I can see into the past, present, and future! Lightweight yet durable, these goggles come with an adjustable strap, mirror lenses, and sculpted marshmallow foam that fits naturally to the contours of my face, making them as comfortable as they are badass!
- Posted: March 7, 2016
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the water, this guy shows up. With the bioelectric senses and colossal jaws of a Great White combined with the regenerative cells of a meta-human, King Shark is the ultimate apex predator. I myself was a bit fooled by the board shorts, but after gunshots and tranquilizers failed to take him down color me impressed. Its no wonder Amanda Wallers A.R.G.U.S. was keeping him penned up to use as an eventual weapon. Now that Lyla has King Shark back in custody, I promised her I would rig up a high-powered electric generator (to mimic the Flashs lightening bolts) to keep him off the land and in captivity. Although if he did ever escape, I wonder who would win in a fight King Shark or wait for it Grodd?
- Posted: March 14, 2016
Jesse, Wells Einstein of a daughter, has been bummed out about being stuck on Earth-One, and her negative energy has thrown my chi seriously out of whack. So, I decided to show her just how awesome this world could be. Introducing, Ciscos Central City Sightseeing Tour! Check us out on Yelp. Now, this wasnt going to be just any tour (no buses or megaphones here). I had to make it interesting, so I amped up some Segways with a couple Kawasaki 4-cylinder supercharged engines Wally hooked me up with. It took some teeth pulling to get Jesse to go - tourism wasnt high on her to-do list - and she was even less thrilled when I brought out matching retro helmets complete with goggles and leather chinstrap. Safety first, kids!
Central City is jam-packed with hotspots: weve got museums, restaurants, skate parks, and clubs galore. As we zigzagged our way through the streets, I tossed out all kinds of trivia I snagged from some books I had checked out on Central Citys history but Jesse couldnt care less about the revolutionary installation of the sewer system back in the 1900s. My efforts at cheering her up were failing miserably! I had to do some quick thinking. When I was younger, I basically lived at the CC Arcade who doesnt love a good video game?! I rerouted us to the old strip mall, grabbed a couple of orange sodas and exchanged a crisp fifty for a bucket o quarters. Turns out, Jesse is a total boss at video games. She wiped out my high score on Q*bert her first try and she knew every secret move to Mortal Kombat. I challenged her to Street Fighter II, but her Blanka knocked out my Ryu in under two minutes! After an hour at the arcade, Jesse was over it - nothing was challenging enough for her - and she ditched me. I was so wrapped up in Dance Dance Revolution (Bust a Move is my JAM) that I didnt even notice her jumping on her ride and speeding away. I only noted she was gone when I twisted my ankle trying to pull a Michael Jackson spin and had to take a breather. I dashed to my ride and tailed her. She led quite the chase (for real, this couldve been featured on Hot Pursuit) and I kicked myself for souping up the Segways with such powerful engines these babies are hardly street legal! She weaved in and out of traffic, turned on a dime down alleyways, and almost lost me in a roundabout. Now, the Central Cities on Earths One and Two may be eerily similar, but there are a few distinct differences - the hydraulic-jacked sewer system, for one (take that, trivia!). Her Segway caught the lip of an elevated sidewalk and she ate some serious pavement (bet she was grateful for that helmet, huh?). We were right near CC Jitters, so I steered her inside for an all-curing Frappuccino.
We snagged a window table and sipped our drinks something about the mellow coffeehouse vibes seemed to soothe Jesse. I could tell there was something weighing on her mind, though, so between brain freezes we played twenty questions. Turns out, shes been losing sleep over the Man in the Iron Mask that we left in Zooms clutches. Makes sense, right? He was basically her prison buddy and its only natural that shes worried about him. She was on a major guilt trip for ignoring him and his tapping. Was he trying to warn us that Jay was about to be killed? As we slurped up our drinks, I started thinking about the Man in the Iron Masks true identity. He wasnt my doppelganger (may he rest in peace), nor Caitlins, Barrys, or Iris . Who (on any Earths) could it be?! Guess its a problem for another day right now, I need to schedule a rematch with Jesse for Street Fighter II Ive got a reputation to protect!
- Posted: March 21, 2016
Zoom. Is. Jay.
I still cant believe it. I dont want to believe it. I should have seen a red flag waving desperately in my face when I realized I knew nothing about my Brother from another Universe (wish I never said that) besides his fascination with speed (as in, velocity!), science, and my homegirl Caitlin. He let us all believe that he was on our side and wanted to join the fight against Zoom He betrayed us. He betrayed me. This one really stings. All of a sudden Im Han Solo and my old friend Lando Clarissian has led me right to Darth Vader while charming his way into Leias heart
Man, I gotta keep it together Caitlin and Barry are the people who I should be worried about. Caitlins 180 emotional flip from mourning Jays loss to realizing hes a homicidal speed-obsessed liar might make her more numb, more cold more like a KILLER. (Shes going to turn into Killer Frost, get it? Im not being subtle here, people.) And Barry, he was already betrayed by a man he trusted Harrison Wells. Turns out having super-speed also attracts speed-stealing lunatics to your side. Barry is never going to trust another person again!
Okay, think Cisco. How can you help? Mom also says, when your friends are hurting you need to hurt with them. You cant fix their pain, you cant run away from it you just have to share it. And what says I feel your pain more than a giant chocolate chip cookie. If any situation calls for some emotional eating, this is definitely it! S.T.A.R. Labs has all the equipment necessary to bake one cutting-edge, ginormous, chewy, Betty Crocker is going to be jealous, double the chocolate chips cookie to end all cookies. Now, I am a man on a mission. Baking is so much better than wallowing. Cream the sugar and butter, a healthy pour of vanilla, baking soda, salt, flour, eggs, chocolate chips and voila! Im done. All thats left is to wait for this behemoth to bake until golden brown. I have just enough time to nip out and grab some milk
Et tu, Harry? I got back from my milk run and who did I find face-deep in my cookie creation Harrison Wells from Earth 2. He looked up, face and hands covered with cookie dough, like a guilty schoolboy. He didnt even have the decency to wait for it to bake! Before he could move SNAP! I took a photo of the scene of the crime. Now my only decision do I use this photo to blackmail Harry or offer it to Barry and Caitlin for a good laugh? Either way, Ive learned some valuable lessons. 1) JAY IS ZOOM! (Still not used to that.) 2) Always turn wallowing and self-pity into action. 3) Most importantly, never leave a baking cookie unguarded!
- Posted: March 28, 2016
Someone call Greenpeace. If Zoom continues his ruthless takeover of Earth-Two, Gorilla City is gonna be annihilated. True, Im not Grodds number one fan, but Im also not a heartless barbarian willing to standby as an entire race of super-intelligent apes are wiped from existence. Especially not before I get a chance to go sightseeing! Gorilla City is a prototypal metropolis of a future in which all creatures, bestial and hominid, are sovereign and able to evolve to new heights. We dont want to shortchange the universe of that, do we?!
- Posted: April 7, 2016
[YT]U4lI-vhtWZU[/YT]
Kudos to Team Flash for knocking out most of Zooms minions but whats to stop that motherfrakker from replenishing his ranks? Its pretty clear that Zooms plans for universal domination arent taking five, and with Barry hellbent on destroying him once and for all, hes gonna need some new back-up. What if Zoom amassed an army of metas from all Earths? Our horde of Earth-One troublemakers would be easily lured by his power and would jump at the chance to get revenge on the Flash. Ive been trying to keep tabs on our metas via social media (Golden Gliders Instagram is on point!), but Peek-a-Boo still wont accept my friend request. Do you think shed accept Zooms? Shawnas always attracted to bad boys and that dude takes the cake. Presented with the option of death-by-speedster or temping as a minion, I bet shed teleport to his side in a flash.
- Posted: April 14, 2016
For a second there, I thought Barry was like magic. Dude casually walked over to coma-induced Jesse, grabbed her hand andpoof!she instantly woke up. Seriously?! No wands or Hogwarts degree needed (Im convinced that a Potter-verse exists.) Barrys time in the Speed Force was like a reawakening; hes high on life and has a new sense of purpose and invincibility. Ive got to take out this new Barry for a test drive, try something weve never done before.
Literally. Were going skydiving, baby! Never thought Id be the one to come up with this plan since Im kinda (very) terrified of the idea of jumping out of a plane from 14,000 feet Barry met me at S.T.A.R. Labs and burst out laughing the second he saw me decked out in my diving gear. I had on my helmet and knee and elbow pads (safety first!); fog-resistant goggles (theyre the size of my face but I need to be able to see when my adrenaline-induced body heat combines with the cold air); and my fanny pack (sometimes being fashion forward means having to take a fashion step backwards.) We drove out to the plane hangar. He would not shut up about how exciting our first time skydiving would be and assured me that nothing would go wrong. Man, his enthusiasm was infectious. Plus, I was in the Speed Force, too, for a couple hot seconds, so maybe I contracted some invincibility that I just dont know about yet. Once we got to the hangar and boarded the plane, I was ready to go!
Maybe not. 14,000 feet makes skyscrapers look like the tiny lego pieces that children under three can choke on. What did I sign up for?! Barry grabbed my shoulders, shook me out of my panic, and reminded me that: 1) Ive been in quite a few compromising situations scarier than this, 2) Id have an awesome adventure to tell the ladies and 3) the Speed Force wouldnt let anything bad happen to us. (Huh?) I agreed with his first two points so we took a pre-dive selfie then started our countdown. Three, two, one
AAAGH! My limbs were flailing and my cheeks were flapping uncontrollably. But once I starfished my arms and legs out, I looked over at Barry and we both started to laugh from the adrenaline and the amazing, surreal feeling. I saw Barry start to reach for his parachute tab, so I followed his lead. I pulled the tab and nothing. Ohmigod ohmigod. I pulled again and again, and on the fourth attempt I yanked the tab off and started to fall faster. I could hear Barry yelling, I got you! while hovering above me and all I could think was, YOU CANT RUN ON AIR, BARRY! Suddenly, I remembered that I was wearing my fanny pack! Its not just any fashion-forward fanny; its my voice-recognition I-need-to-escape-now-and-Barrys-not-around travel pack. I yelled help! and airplane-like wings quickly unfolded out on either side of me. Go go gadget sail-plane! I took a couple of deep yoga breaths and enjoyed the view.
On our drive back to S.T.A.R. labs, Barry was euphoric. My near-brush with death proved to him that the Speed Force was looking out for us. Me, I think we have to look out for each other. But whatever Team Flash has to face next, with Barrys speed and my penchant for life-saving fanny packs we can handle.
- Posted: May 20, 2016
We scientists get hot for patterns. Its how we figure out somethings cause and effect or establish why things are the way they are. My abilities seem to make themselves manifest whenever Im panicked, stressed, or buzzing with adrenaline. Thats what triggered my first vibe, remember? Ill never forget that nightmare starring evil Dr. Wells as he stabbed his super-speeding hand through my chest and crushed my heart I still wake up in a cold sweat about that one. There has been a whole mess of other times I vibed when I was anxious or scared. See? Pattern.
I thought my time was up a few days ago when Caitlin and I were masquerading as Killer Frost and Reverb in a last-ditch effort to thwart Black Siren. Lets just say that plan didnt go so well. Panic was high and I was readying myself for that fist pump with St. Peter when something awesome happened. Black Siren opened her mouth to unleash the final homicidal shriek and my meta side took the wheel and blasted her with a pulse punch! Totally cool, right? So, heres my hypothesis: when freaked the hell out, my powers become manifest. How do we test this? Time to freak out.
Ive never been a fan of small spaces (Dante once trapped me in the dryer for several hours during a particularly intense round of Hide and Seek). Usually, I start hyperventilating, get vertigo, and see my life flash before my eyes. Read: claustrophobia creates the perfect contingency for triggering latent meta-abilities. Wally hooked me up with a little sedan he used to race (theyre very aerodynamic) and I climbed in the trunk, shut myself in, and waited. It was dark, cramped, and smelled like burnt rubber. Sure enough, the panic set in as soon as the lid closed my heart raced, my hands shook, and my breathing was akin to a pregnant woman in the throes of labor. I suffered through twenty minutes, but no Spidey senses started tingling. I couldnt focus any energy, vibe any dimension, or do any yet undiscovered talent.
Just as I was ready to call it quits, the car lurched violently - I hit my head on the latch and passed out for a solid ten minutes. The jolt from a pothole brought me around and thats when the panic really set in (Central City needs to repave!). Not only was I locked in a tiny trunk, but also I was being kidnapped and taken Grodd-knows! The car finally stopped and I heard someone get out. I started banging on the trunk, screaming for someone to let me out, but to no avail. Thats when it happened a wave of energy emanated from my hands and blasted through the cracks, unhinging the trunk and letting in sweet, sweet air. It may have been an unorthodox way to test my hypothesis, but you cant argue with results! I climbed out and found myself in the car jail that is Central City Towing apparently, STAR Labs is considered private property and no one recognized the plates on Wallys ride. Oops.
I had to bail the sedan out and pay Wally back for the damage to his car but my hypothesis was proved correct! Now, if only I could control my powers without being terror-stricken or fake-kidnapped. As with any scientific pursuit, this one may take decades of research. By the time I master my powers I may look like Gandalf, but by King Shark it will be worth it.
- Posted: May 23, 2016
Back when we were kids, Dante and I used to play Little League. Actually, Dante played Little League while I would cower in the dugout and pray for rain so we wouldnt have to play. I held the league record for strikeouts and even my team would move closer when I stepped up to the plate. Safe to say, baseball was not my sport I was more of a battle-robots-and-Legos kind of kid.
But now that Im Vibe, I gotta step up to the plate and improve my sonic blasting average. It was frakking awesome kicking butt with Barry and taking out the Rival, but I definitely need to practice my aim. So, I took a page from our Dr. Light days and converted our storehouse into a makeshift battlefield rigged with a bunch of targets so I could practice blasting em.
It was a disaster. Every time a target popped out of nowhere, I jumped into a different trajectory and blasted the walls, the ceiling, and even myself (note: Stop, Drop, and Roll really does work when you accidentally set yourself on fire). I was striking out left and right and only managed to hit one target. But then I remembered what Dante used to say to help me out in Little League fifty percent of hitting is the mechanics of the swing and fifty percent is your mentality. Baseball is really a game of intimidation its a faceoff between the pitcher and the hitter. You gotta have confidence. You also gotta have patience. Dante told me to breathe deeply and count to three before stepping up to the plate, and that would help me tune out the taunts of the opposing team and really focus on what I needed to do hit the ball. So I extrapolated his wisdom to the fighting of meta-humans and realized that I cant just blast anything that jumps out at me I need to focus, aim, and breathe before shooting something.
If at first you dont succeed, try, try again, right? I went back to the makeshift battlefield with newfound confidence from Dantes old lessons and this time, I hit more than half of the targets! I upped my blasting average from 0.02 to 0.6 take that, Babe Ruth! Ive definitely got room for improvement, but having Dantes voice in my ear really helped me out. As I test the limits of my newfound powers, there will be plenty of times I strike out. Thats life. Even Barry messes up sometimes, but he always manages to come through in the clutch. I dont want to cower in the dugout anymore (or, S.T.A.R. Labs) I want to be a player the team can depend upon. It might take awhile, but practice makes perfect, so Ill keep working on my form so that next time were facing a meta-human, Barry can count on me to have his back.
- Posted: October 17, 2016
Harry’s back. It’s such a joy to have him around the lab again. He really adds a certain…flavor… to the team. That flavor being annoying. I’ve made my peace with the fact that he and I will never be BFFs (he’ll probably never change, no matter which Earth he’s on), but I was super stoked to see some things had changed since we last saw the Wells family – Jesse is now a speedster! And she is fast. Get it girl!
She’s new to the whole running thing, so I jumped at the opportunity to help a sister out. Apparently, Jesse, Harry, and Barry have never been in the Speed Lab (thanks, Flashpoint). It’s weird because back in the day, Barry was in there 24/7 – how does he have not remember that? But I digress. Because they knew nothing about all the cool stuff it can do, I took it upon myself to do a little crash course on the lab, no pun intended.
Speed Lab 101: We’ve got a custom-designed all-weather synthetic track made of polyurethane – let me tell you, it’s sweet. The track is surrounded by a super-strong shock absorber tube that won’t bend or break no matter how fast any speedster goes. Obviously, I hooked it up with some Cisco-certified doodads and whatsits so that Caitlin and I are able to get stats within milliseconds. It’s basically a pimped out treadmill, but Harry wasn’t impressed – shocker.
But Jesse was totally into it. I knew I could count on her! Her enthusiasm gave me the idea of sprucing up Trajectory’s old suit for her. Yeah, Harry, I can play nice. It’s a two-way street, man. Trajectory’s suit was extremely well-constructed — homegirl was crazy but she knew her way with a sewing machine – and once I put that lightning emblem on Jesse was ready to rock and, if I do say so myself, she looked damn good.
- Posted: October 24, 2016
I’ll admit it: I’m in a dry spell. My love life has been D.O.A. ever since Dante died – I mean, who wants a dinner date who starts sobbing over a plate of spaghetti because it reminds him of that one time he and his brother got into an epic food fight and got pasta stuck on the ceiling fan? Not that that happened, of course…
So, as much as I hate to say it, Harry gave me an idea. If he could create a complex algorithmic cryptogram and launch it into other dimensions to find his replacement, surely I could create a similar one to find love? I initially planned on copying and pasting my profile from LoveFinder.com, but caught myself: why be boring old Trekkie-loving-soda-slurping Cisco when I could be anyone in the world(s)? Instead of Cisco Ramon, mechanical engineer, I was going to be Cisco Ramon, intergalactic adventurer! Think Indiana Jones meets Han Solo. With a baller crib and a tiger on a leash. Well, maybe not that – I’m allergic to cats.
I recalibrated the system, opened a breach, and fired off my message. And then, I waited. But I didn’t have to wait long, because the responses started coming in faster than I could open them. There was a schoolteacher from Earth-37 with a teddy bear fetish that was an immediate hell no. Then there was a middle-aged PTA mom going through a midlife crisis who wanted a little “fun.” I got a handful of college students, a dog-walker with an uncomfortably close relationship with her German Shepherd, and a wannabe popstar whose “serenade” was earsplitting in any dimension. I was ready to hang it up when I got a message from Olivia, a pre-med student from Earth-16, a part-time model and volunteer at the children’s hospital. She was perfect.
I immediately sent her a reply and soon we were bouncing messages back and forth across the dimensions. I could tell I was falling head over heels for her – I mean, not only was she a hot vegetarian with a passion for saving endangered animals, but she was also a finalist on the Earth-16 version of The Bachelor. I told her I was a philanthropist millionaire who collected antique cars and spent my Saturdays teaching archery to underprivileged children. We were a perfect match and I was all set to vibe myself onto Earth-16, elope, and live happily ever after when Barry walked in. He diagnosed my lovesickness and pointed out that true love isn’t built on a threshold of lies. Sure, Cisco Ramon the intergalactic adventurer was a catch, but it wasn’t me. Boy, he sure knows how to suck the fun out of a situation. But he had a point.
I came clean to Olivia and told her I was an engineer at S.T.A.R. Labs. I had my tail between my legs when she came clean too: she was actually a cocktail waitress with an addiction to late night TV. Both of us, it seems, were so desperate for love we pretended to be someone we’re not. At least we have that in common! While true love may not be in the cards for me and Olivia, I’m sure we’ll stay in touch. But for now, I think I’ll go back to my LoveFinder.com profile and see who I’m really compatible with.
- Posted: October 31, 2016
It may come as a shock to you given my mature and serious demeanor but I love to pulling pranks. Seriously, anything to get someone to jump or scream or have any sort of reaction is the best thing to witness. So when Team Flash dealt with a hologram monster, I got the best idea for a Halloween prank. I would make my own hologram to scare everyone.
Obviously when it comes to the team we all have specific things that scares us. I could adjust the hologram of Reverse Flash for Barry – but that’s just cruel – and I’m not aiming to be cruel, I’m aiming to make this the most epic scare of all time. My first instinct was to do Godzilla, obviously, but after dealing with that punk kid, I thought of something so amazing, so weird it was bound to be unforgettable. Gollum.
Yes, that goblin like creature would scare everyone, for sure. Like I do, I headed to my workshop and started to work. I have to say working on Gollum was almost as fun as working on the Flash suit. Dare I say that this hologram was becoming my precious? Okay, that was bad but seriously his stringy hair and snaggle teeth looked so real that I had to remind myself that he wasn’t real.
I was tinkering with the final touches when all the sudden – darkness. I could hear the groans from the team all the way from my workshop, my masterpiece had blown a fuse causing my master plan had to be put on the back burner… that is until I get a back up generator.
- Posted: November 8, 2016
Caitlin’s been a little bit frosty towards me as of late – apparently, outing your best friend’s deep dark secret can earn you the cold shoulder. It will take me a while to warm up to the idea of Caitlin being a meta-human, but regardless, I needed to show her she is still my best friend. What better way to rekindle a friendship than with a night out on the town?
We carb-loaded at Big Belly Burger before hitting some bars downtown. Caitlin wasn’t super into it – I guess she was just frozen in fear of what she might become and wasn’t able to let loose anymore. So I bought us some Kamikaze shots to get her to relax, which led to martinis, which led to Jack and Cokes, which lead to I-don’t-even-know what. Somewhere along the line, Caitlin forgot her woes and even rode the mechanical bull at some country-western joint where I stood out like a sore thumb.
We hopped from bar to bar and somehow ended up at a Mexican place which proudly declared it was home of “El Gigante,” a seven-pound burrito that’s near impossible to finish. Impossible for a regular Joe, maybe, but for two meta-humans? Challenge accepted. Caitlin and I donned some protective bibs and plopped down at a corner booth, ready to tackle the beast (it couldn’t be any worse than a man who manipulates shadows, right?). Wrong. That burrito was a massive monster of melted cheese, meat, salsa, and something called “ghost peppers.” Holy Batman. Those peppers were hell. Literally. Two bites in and I started sweating. Not a simple shiny sheen like after a simple workout, but more like the nasty-Niagara-Falls-sweating-after-trying-to-keep-up-with-Barry sweat. I saw my reflection in the napkin dispenser go from slight blush to full on Hellboy. Luckily, Caitlin saw my plight and grabbed my hand just before I passed out. She blasted me with cold that cooled me right down. What would I do without her?
Together, hand-in-hand, we were able to finish the burrito. We had our picture taken (it’s now hanging on the wall just to the left of the bathrooms, which we both desperately needed after conquering El Gigante. TMI? Sorry.) and we both got dorky t-shirts to commemorate the event. I’m hoping our little adventure thawed some of the ice between me and Caitlin, but honestly, I’m not sure how much of that night she will remember. We did have a lot to drink.
- Posted: November 21, 2016
Everything sucks. I hate to be a major Debbie Downer but I can’t help it when your best friend basically turns into an evil ice queen and you’re forced to fight her. Coincided with the fact that Barry basically caused Dante’s death from Flashpoint…. So, yeah. Things have been less than ideal for me.
I think H.R. was noticing and sick of me emotionally eating Oreo’s so he invited me to a Central City Diamonds game. I was not on board for the distraction. One: that’s something Dante and I used to do. Two: H.R. Enough said. But he annoyed me enough to agree.
With the help from his face modifier, H.R. was able to step out into the daylight as someone else. I have to say it made him seem less annoying talking to someone without the face of Harrison Wells. We did it up at the game – hot dogs, beers, nachos, I even splurged and got a foam finger, which H.R. eventually took. To make it even better, the diamonds dominated in the game. Winning!
H.R. then insisted I take him to an Earth-1 pub for a nightcap. Without thinking we headed to McConnor’s Pub – one of my favorite joints that has some of the best I.P.A.’s out there. But what I forgot was it was also my brother’s favorite spot. I told myself that I would chug my drink and get the hell out of there. H.R. had different plans – he insisted on playing every billiards game they had since they don’t have them on Earth-19. Soon, hours passed and I found myself forgetting about the pain of Dante. In the end, I actually appreciated H.R.’s gesture and his attempt to make me feel like myself again…just don’t tell him that.
- Posted: November 28, 2016
So yeah, this has been a weird week – and I’ve had more than my fair share of weird weeks. But none have involved straight up aliens! We’re talking total world-domination-invasion kind of aliens. And for those keeping score at home, they’re called the “Dominators” and NO, I did not get to name them. SMH.
Things were looking pretty grim, but part of me was, admittedly, a little excited for a “reunion” of old friends (shout-out to my Star City peeps!). You might say I’ve been feeling a bit like an “alien” in my own life lately – there are just so many secrets! I mean, we got Caitlin trying to hide her frosty inclinations. How do you keep that quiet? (Hint: you can’t). And then there’s Barry. I’m still bugging out about how all this time he’s known Dante’s death is on him. Even though I’ve tried to accept the realties of Flashpoint, Barry’s apologies are starting to sound like a broken record. And it doesn’t make me feel any less alone in all of this. Safe to say, I was in dire need of some extraterrestrial distraction. We all put all our woes on the back-burner and teamed up to stop the Dominators. Best part? I got to powwow with my girl Felicity! She is the Gail to my Oprah, the Sam to my Frodo.
Now, with zero experience dealing with said aliens, I realized I needed to do some, shall we say, research. Bring on the Netflix! While the others were busy training, I snuck off and threw myself a little extraterrestrial movie marathon. I polished off all the essentials: Men In Black, ID4, Star Trek (Abrams style), E.T. (holla at my boy Spielberg ), and a few classic Marvin The Martian shorts – because, who doesn’t love that little guy? And of course, no movie marathon would be complete without a giant sack of Big Belly Burgers. It was an awesome, epic night. Well, sorta.
TBH, it was a bit lonely. I would have totally dug it if Kara (Barry’s alien friend–-but not the freaky destroy-your-world-and-eat-your-brains type) could have joined me. And no, it’s not because I want to see if she has any friends she could set me up with on Earth-38 (well, maybe a little…
If I learned anything from my binge-athon, though, it’s that the only way to overcome darkness is to stick together. Times may be frakkin’ crazy right now and nothing may sound better than building a fort and watching Marvin the Martian cartoons until the darkness passes, but the truth is that now is when we need friends the most. Nobody is perfect. Not even superheroes. Not even best friends. I don’t need to vibe anything to see that.
So, the world is saved. No biggie. But now it’s time to celebrate. I was thinking of hosting another movie night, except this time all my BFFs are coming (and I’m making Barry bring the popcorn). It’s gonna be out of this world!
- Posted: December 5, 2016
