The Temple of Doomed Relationships

[Nave 'Torment']

We are planning to skype with the kids everyday. They will miss Mommy. I spend a lot of quality time with my kids. I'm a very involved Dad. However, I'm not used to taking care of EVERYTHING on my own. It's gonna be a challenge. Plus, she has to go away 3 more times this year like this. OH BOY!

Sounds like you're gonna do just fine.

Just keep your kids occupied throughout.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Since last March, it is as serious as it gets though, we are both in love, I know she still is too, there is nothing you can do about it.

But, there are too many people involved and interfering, they all try to make out I am this, that and the next thing, based on, what I would call flimsy evidence, like, 'If he spanks to another woman when he thinks you are leaving him, it means he will cheat on you in the future!'
like, what? You do that to try and get over her cause your heart is breaking.

i just heard about this gift of a watch last night, but it's not just a watch right? it's jewellery, it's a ring around her wrist. it's something she would not accept in me if my ex had given one to me, and it's the same thing, cause this guy works with her and has been courting her for ages.

 

[Erzengel]

She has actually, and it screams "let's be best friends forever". I think she's smart enough to have figured it out that I obviously am attracted to her and do have feelings (ill-founded they may be) but that hasn't stopped her from being nice and friendly. Most recently when my mom fell ill she gathered all our friends, without my asking, and paid her a visit. SO yeah, that should amount to a level of friendship.

My question is, by sending her a personalised e-card (ala JigJag, only I made it coz I'm cheap) does it suggest anything funny to her? Because I don't want her to feel that way if she isn't willing. THe only reason I'm not putting this out directly in the open is because she seems too polite to just let it go. And I don't want to be the one to suggest that it's silently lingering on.

I ****ing hate silence.

Based on what she did for your mom, send the e-card, but you got to stop reading into everything she does or doesn't do.

I sent her an e-card on Wednesday, and it's Friday and she didn't thank me yet. You really have to get over this infatuation and stop second guessing her actions. Move on.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I like how all of SuperMike's suggestions play on the female unconscious! It's like becoming this almost archetypal idea of who you are to get her attracted. It's almost Jungian. It's wrong to say it doesn't work at least on a sexual level.

But what do you do about being yourself? I mean, isn't it sort of like an inverse dilemma where you're constantly trying to live up to her ideal image of you, and not yourself completely? I mean yes, there's definitely a place for that kind of gameplay (I did look it up), but it can't be the answer ALL THE TIME?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Based on what she did for your mom, send the e-card, but you got to stop reading into everything she does or doesn't do.

I sent her an e-card on Wednesday, and it's Friday and she didn't thank me yet. You really have to get over this infatuation and stop second guessing her actions. Move on.

Hmm I actually know what you're saying there. And I think I have managed to remove myself from that sort of obsessive infatuation. I just wanted to know if the e-card suggests anything for her?

 

[Erzengel]

Who cares?

Really, it doesn't sound like you removed yourself from being infatuated if you are spending this much time worrying what she's going to say.

Do you worry this much about sending e-cards to anyone else? Do you think she's really going to read your card and clutch her heart because it's the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for her? OR do you think, she will click on it, thank you via e-mail and forget it a few minutes later?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Since last March, it is as serious as it gets though, we are both in love, I know she still is too, there is nothing you can do about it.

But, there are too many people involved and interfering, they all try to make out I am this, that and the next thing, based on, what I would call flimsy evidence, like, 'If he spanks to another woman when he thinks you are leaving him, it means he will cheat on you in the future!'
like, what? You do that to try and get over her cause your heart is breaking.

i just heard about this gift of a watch last night, but it's not just a watch right? it's jewellery, it's a ring around her wrist. it's something she would not accept in me if my ex had given one to me, and it's the same thing, cause this guy works with her and has been courting her for ages.

Did you talk to her about it yet? And if so, what do you get based off of her response? If it's still the same then yeah, she's really holding up a double-standard where it matters most.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Who cares?

Really, it doesn't sound like you removed yourself from being infatuated if you are spending this much time worrying what she's going to say.

Do you worry this much about sending e-cards to anyone else? Do you think she's really going to read your card and clutch her heart because it's the most wonderful thing anyone has ever done for her? OR do you think, she will click on it, thank you via e-mail and forget it a few minutes later?

Hmm.......

........................................

...............................................

the answer is no.

And it's unhealthy.

 

[Erzengel]

Since last March, it is as serious as it gets though, we are both in love, I know she still is too, there is nothing you can do about it.

But, there are too many people involved and interfering, they all try to make out I am this, that and the next thing, based on, what I would call flimsy evidence, like, 'If he spanks to another woman when he thinks you are leaving him, it means he will cheat on you in the future!'
like, what? You do that to try and get over her cause your heart is breaking.

i just heard about this gift of a watch last night, but it's not just a watch right? it's jewellery, it's a ring around her wrist. it's something she would not accept in me if my ex had given one to me, and it's the same thing, cause this guy works with her and has been courting her for ages.

Let me see if I have everything down.

So you've been dating since last March.

You have friends poisoning her mind against you.

She accepted a watch from someone other than you who you suspect have feelings for her.

Sound bout right?

Okay, this relationship has no communication or trust.

The fact that she accepts a gift from a guy who likes her and doesn't think anything of it. Red Flag.

The fact that she lets other people poison her mind against you. Red Flag.

If you haven't just sat her down and told her all this by now, or if you have and nothing has come of it, then you really have to question the stability of this relationship and you might want to consider just walking away.

I say that because who wants to be with someone who doesn't consider your feelings and puts others people's opinion about you over her own opinion about you.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I say that because who wants to be with someone who doesn't consider your feelings and puts others people's opinion about you over her own opinion about you.

This.

It really does boil down to it. But I think you already understand it. I'll still say you do sit down and have that heart-to-heart instead of acting on impulse. Because those really are serious things that you should let her know first before walking away.

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

I'm going to suggest the opposite of what a lot of the guys will tell you.

I suggest you NOT try to get a hold of her as much as she does you. Fail to return a couple of her calls, on purpose.

No matter how hard things get with taking care of the kids on your own, don't let her know.

Make it look like when she cantacts you, that you are happy to hear from her, but seem like you hardly miss her. Or at least let her say "I miiiiiss youuuu", first. Then pause for a second before you reply, and slowly say "yeah, alright....well.... I sorta miss youuuu tooooo". If you have the right inflection she will giggle. Same goes for "I love you", make her have to pry it out of you, don't volunteer it easily.

Now if she askes why you didn't call her back, if you missed a call, you say "huh? ohh sorry I guess, no worries, just had my hands full".

The more mysterious whatever is going on at home is, the more it keeps her craving for you, and keeps you on her mind.

So that is my advice. Don't go out of your way to stay in touch. Confessing needing her makes you just that, needy. Needy is the killer of female attraction.

I'm not a needy person. She likes to hear me say how much I love and miss her everyday. So I know it's gonna be worse when she's away. The thing is I know I won't talk to her much anyway. She's gonna be 12 hours ahead of our time. So we will already have very limited contact. So your suggestion will most likely just be reality.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

It's not just a watch, it's him offering a token of his 'love', and her accepting it. It's not like he sent her comics or a book, which i would not have minded, it's a smart ass way of putting a ring on her, and she is smart enough to know that.
After all the things I have been accused of and put through the wringer for by her, *and* this guy, it just makes me angry, because I have done everything to prove to her that I would always stand by her and never leave her, and then she does this? and it's no big deal?
When we got together she didn't want me to hang onto any memories or mementos of my previous relationship, i had all this artwork I had done for my ex, and I ripped it all up! To prove to her I was with her now! even though she did not say it to me, that is what she wanted me to do, destroy such mementos.

I just feel like a chump for being accused of being a potential cheater and that I would leave her, when it was never a concept I thought I would ever be guilty of, and did my best to prove that.
*She should not accepted that kind of gift*, he was giving her a ring in all but name, and she accepted it. If I had done anything like that, forget it, the world would be tumbling down, him, her and all her friends would be accusing me of being a cheating bastard. They are all a bunch of hypocrites.
But, of course, it is different if she does it right? No, it isn't.

Ohhh is EVERYBODY Else’s FAULT! Isn’t it?

The whole world just has it in for you, yeah I’m letting you in on the secret you suspected was obvious.

Clearly, she has the upper hand and has you are mind ****ed dude. If you were so over her, you would not be ranting in long posts here about what she put you through.

Yeah you guessed it. We ALL have a conspiracy against YOU. Everybody lies to you because they think you are a chump. They are all conspiring against you, and those jerks you hate, yeah the girls love them and they are laughing about you behind your back.

COME ON MAN! SNAP OUT OF IT!!! {beats you with rolled up newspaper if you were here in person}

Come on do you really want advice? Your posts look crazy ramblings of a lunatic, like you want ****ing hand holding and sooth saying from us.

This is the relationship advice thread. NOT the "make me feel good when my relationships fail and blow smoke up my *** about it not being my fault, she’s just wrong for you BS thread".

Because that does not do anything for you. Not at all.

So here is what to do, or how to handle this stuff in the future:

If she wants to get back together with you, then you can accept her back, and work on your insecurity issues. Learn how to be cool about things, and not such a hot head. Learn the way of Alpha male serenity, which is not giving a **** if she has a Beta male orbiter who is giving her gifts.
You can even tease her "ohhh wow that’s a NICE watch! Lemme see that..." take her wrist and look at it, wide eyed with mouth open, then say "he clearly LOOOOVES you, he couldn’t live without you t:" make sure to hum the tune of here comes the bride, but do NOT sound bitter when you do it, remember light and playful teasing.

When you expose insecurity with ******** anger, which you did, along with mind****edness, what you are really doing is ELEVATING the competitor male in her eyes. By YOU showing that you consider him a threat, you show that you fear him, and that he is therefor the stronger male. So quit being possessive and jealous, it hurts your status in her eyes more than anything. So learn to be cool, and to keep your cool resolve, and work on making yourself more secure and building your self esteem.

OR if you want to continue to sulk in your own misery, to just focus on the pain and wallow in it, then think about every visual detail of him sticking his gigantic penis in her, and how much she is enjoying it, and telling him how much better he is than you. – because that helps you out a whole lot.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

I'm not a needy person. She likes to hear me say how much I love and miss her everyday. So I know it's gonna be worse when she's away. The thing is I know I won't talk to her much anyway. She's gonna be 12 hours ahead of our time. So we will already have very limited contact. So your suggestion will most likely just be reality.

If thats the case then you got nothing to worry about. Enjoy your time with the most important relationship in your life, your kids.

 

[DV8]

Well, so did my ex before that, haha, they do it to test you, but, if she took jewelery off him, fug that, it means she's prepared to go about wearing something 24/7 he gave her, because he is courting her? fug that noise, if I did something like that she would have crushed my nuts in a vice.
I honestly just want to be by myself, I am a frickin mess and I have an important job to do, this is the second night this week i have been awake until after 7am, and then only had an hour of two of sleep after that, i am spaced out and ****ed, I knew this would happen to my health and my sleep, it's inevitable, and I need my frickin sleep.

this is just gonna go on and on and on, I am gonna lose sleep and nothing is gonna get done, I have to be on my own and stop listening to all this relationship junk. It's like I have a not-so-merry go round carnival of bs swirling round my head 24/7, and it runs through my head at night, and I am also charged up from being in love, it's nuts, i'm ****ed, my body and mind are completely ****ed with all this sh**.

Dude, get over it. Its a F***ing watch. This other dude who gave it to her is an Ass kisser. Never worry about some Beta male sucking up to her. Its ego inflation for her, that is it.

If there is a guy at her work she is always talking about who she holds some hate for and talks about all the time, THAT guy is a bigger concern. Your fear based behavior of a pathetic little Beta orbiter is a self fufilling prophecy.

Suck it up and move on with your life now that you have dumped your girl for wearing a watch. The longer you hold either anger or fear you continue to be ThebumwhoHurt.

The point is, her accepting gifts from another dude is DISRESPECT; don't put up w/ that ****, Bum . . . leave her; you are obviously holding a lot of anger in, and it's not worth the stress . . . so what if some dude bought her some jewelry; if she ****s off with him, she's gonna do it and it won't last long cuz that ass kissing is gonna get old quick; you need to put your foot down sometimes when you're the man in the relationship, or let her go . . .

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Considering all these suggestions B, the best thing for you would be to verbalise that anger towards her instead of beating yourself up with them. She deserves to know what you're going through because of her actions - and you have to take it up to her --sober-- if you haven't already (I'm still a little unclear on that, but whatever).

By fuming about here you're not doing yourself any favours. If she's wronged you then spell it out, end it, move on and let the deceivers deceive themselves all the way to the graves.

 

[Anita18]

Any suggestions on how to handle being apart from your significant other for an extended period of time. My wife and I have never taken trips apart or anything in the 8 1/2 years we've been married. She has an upcoming business trip (leaves Saturday) in which she will be out of the country for more than half a month. Which leaves me to handle all the daily activities of the house and kids on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I can handle it. I just think it will be pretty stressful. I have a 4, 7 and 8 year old and the thought of doing EVERYTHING on my own is starting to stress me out. Then there's the sex. I can't remember the last time I've gone more than 4 days at a time without it. I'm freakin out!

You've been married 8.5 years, I'm sure she'd be fine with it if you had to whack off on your own.

Can you recruit any help with the kids? It can be a shock realizing you're on your own with THREE. I mean, my coworker is a single working mom with two younger ones, and IMO she's insane, but she's been doing it all their lives so she knows the necessary rhythm.

My dad was often away for months on business trips. He'd call, but not everyday. My mom didn't worry about him cheating, because as far as she was concerned he was family dammit and as long as he was still willing to be part of our family (especially us kids), then what's the point of worrying?

I'm going to suggest the opposite of what a lot of the guys will tell you.

I suggest you NOT try to get a hold of her as much as she does you. Fail to return a couple of her calls, on purpose.

No matter how hard things get with taking care of the kids on your own, don't let her know.

Make it look like when she cantacts you, that you are happy to hear from her, but seem like you hardly miss her. Or at least let her say "I miiiiiss youuuu", first. Then pause for a second before you reply, and slowly say "yeah, alright....well.... I sorta miss youuuu tooooo". If you have the right inflection she will giggle. Same goes for "I love you", make her have to pry it out of you, don't volunteer it easily.

Now if she askes why you didn't call her back, if you missed a call, you say "huh? ohh sorry I guess, no worries, just had my hands full".

The more mysterious whatever is going on at home is, the more it keeps her craving for you, and keeps you on her mind.

So that is my advice. Don't go out of your way to stay in touch. Confessing needing her makes you just that, needy. Needy is the killer of female attraction.

They've been married for almost 9 years Mike. I think you can cut out the games after 9 years of marriage and three kids.

Based on what she did for your mom, send the e-card, but you got to stop reading into everything she does or doesn't do.

I sent her an e-card on Wednesday, and it's Friday and she didn't thank me yet. You really have to get over this infatuation and stop second guessing her actions. Move on.

Completely agree. She sounds like a great friend, but unless one of you goes right out and asks, that's what she is - a friend.

The point is, her accepting gifts from another dude is DISRESPECT; don't put up w/ that ****, Bum . . . leave her; you are obviously holding a lot of anger in, and it's not worth the stress . . . so what if some dude bought her some jewelry; if she ****s off with him, she's gonna do it and it won't last long cuz that ass kissing is gonna get old quick; you need to put your foot down sometimes when you're the man in the relationship, or let her go . . .

Absolutely. It doesn't matter if Bum pretends he's the alpha male, she clearly disrespects him so it's of no use anyway. You have to earn someone's respect of you early on, otherwise they'll realize they can walk all over you and you'll forgive them just like last time. Just like she did by making you rip up your artwork, Bum. She understood then that she could control you.

I was THAT GIRL in my first relationship. I played games to test him because I was incredibly insecure and did not trust him. I needed that constant validation that he loved me and ONLY ME. It was pathetic of me to act that way and it was pathetic of him to try to please me all the time.

And yeah, you claim you're both in love but nobody seems to see eye on eye on this cheating thing. Love like that doesn't last. And when it does, it comes at great emotional pain to one or both.

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

You've been married 8.5 years, I'm sure she'd be fine with it if you had to whack off on your own.

Can you recruit any help with the kids? It can be a shock realizing you're on your own with THREE. I mean, my coworker is a single working mom with two younger ones, and IMO she's insane, but she's been doing it all their lives so she knows the necessary rhythm.

My dad was often away for months on business trips. He'd call, but not everyday. My mom didn't worry about him cheating, because as far as she was concerned he was family dammit and as long as he was still willing to be part of our family (especially us kids), then what's the point of worrying?

It's me who has the problem with whackin off on my own! My Mom and her parents are willing to help on the weekends so I can get a break and get things done around the house. So that is going to help. I'm not worried about her cheating or anything like that. This is just something that was unexpected when she got this job. This should be the only time she has to do so much traveling though.

 

[bullets]

The point is, her accepting gifts from another dude is DISRESPECT; don't put up w/ that ****, Bum . . . leave her; you are obviously holding a lot of anger in, and it's not worth the stress . . . so what if some dude bought her some jewelry; if she ****s off with him, she's gonna do it and it won't last long cuz that ass kissing is gonna get old quick; you need to put your foot down sometimes when you're the man in the relationship, or let her go . . .

exactly.
I find her accepting the gift as unacceptable. She should of politely turned it down. I think there's too many issues for you to make it work. Unless you really put your foot down.

 

[Erzengel]

It's me who has the problem with whackin off on my own! My Mom and her parents are willing to help on the weekends so I can get a break and get things done around the house. So that is going to help. I'm not worried about her cheating or anything like that. This is just something that was unexpected when she got this job. This should be the only time she has to do so much traveling though.

I'll be over this weekend with a bunch of white girls.

 

[THE MR. TERRIFIC]

I'll be over this weekend with a bunch of white girls.

 

[Anita18]

I'll be over this weekend with a bunch of white girls.

Always a good friend, Erz.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Can you recruit any help with the kids? It can be a shock realizing you're on your own with THREE. I mean, my coworker is a single working mom with two younger ones, and IMO she's insane, but she's been doing it all their lives so she knows the necessary rhythm.

I know how insane it could go, with kids I mean. I got stuck taking care of my 3-year-old sister a few months back: she's an angel but there was no one else around to help with those crazy routines. Thankfully, I got a friend to tag along and help me out. The extra-hand is well-advised. But I'm guessing you're well acquainted with your kids as it is. Still, good luck.

They've been married for almost 9 years Mike. I think you can cut out the games after 9 years of marriage and three kids.

Completely agree. She sounds like a great friend, but unless one of you goes right out and asks, that's what she is - a friend.

Nothing wrong in keeping things burning after 9 years though!

edit: Regarding her being just a friend. Yeah. I absolutely agree.

 

[steintym]

Any suggestions on how to handle being apart from your significant other for an extended period of time. My wife and I have never taken trips apart or anything in the 8 1/2 years we've been married. She has an upcoming business trip (leaves Saturday) in which she will be out of the country for more than half a month. Which leaves me to handle all the daily activities of the house and kids on my own.

Don't get me wrong, I can handle it. I just think it will be pretty stressful. I have a 4, 7 and 8 year old and the thought of doing EVERYTHING on my own is starting to stress me out. Then there's the sex. I can't remember the last time I've gone more than 4 days at a time without it. I'm freakin out!

I'll be living almost the same scenario at the end of the month. My wife of 8 1/2 years is going away on a work trip for about two + weeks. The biggest differences is I only one child to care for, although he is only 18 months so he's not doing anything for himself.

I know it will be a little stressful, but I'm also looking forward to the time alone with my son (I'm already very involved caring for him ... Baths, meals, getting up with him, etc).

As for the physical separation ... well, time to take matters into my own hands. The PayPerView bill might be a little higher next month.


Good luck to you. Even when it gets stressful, try and enjoy the moment.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

They've been married for almost 9 years Mike. I think you can cut out the games after 9 years of marriage and three kids.

Ohh, your so right!

Yep 9 years of marriage make a man immune to breakups from from attraction killing mistakes, such as: over eagerness to please, constant confessions of undying love easily offered and on a silver platter, and saying how much he needs her and is lost without her.

So avoiding such behaviors and showing active displays of non-needyness is you know, just playing meaningless games.

- these attraction killers must not matter, after a certain number of years, as nobody leaves her husband after the 8 year point.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

It's me who has the problem with whackin off on my own! My Mom and her parents are willing to help on the weekends so I can get a break and get things done around the house. So that is going to help. I'm not worried about her cheating or anything like that. This is just something that was unexpected when she got this job. This should be the only time she has to do so much traveling though.

THAT is all you are worried about? Lulz, google an instruction manual. I wish I could post a visual aid, but the mods hate that.