The wait is nearly over. The world's least competent secret agents are back, as the
new series of Torchwood previews on the
BBC website from today. But what can we expect from Captain Jack and his minions in series three of this sci-fi Scooby-Doo for grown-ups?
New lineup
You might think that by now Jack would have realised that he is in charge of a posse of insubordinate incompetents, and got rid of the lot of them. Sadly, that's not the case. Owen and Tosh both died at the end of series two, thanks to Jack's long-lost psychotic brother, Grey, meaning that Torchwood has lost the only two team members who served a discernible purpose: the doctor and the techie.
It was initially rumoured that Martha Jones would be donning the white coat and bringing Rose's friend, Mickey, back with her to take charge of the computers, but that's been scotched since Freema Agyeman decided to jump ship with writer Chris Chibnall to
Law & Order: UK.
With no permanent additions announced, Gwen's husband Rhys is dragged along on the team's adventures this time round. Let's hope that whoever does take on the onerous medical duties full-time doesn't have a predilection for drugging passersby and enticing them into sex, and whoever operates the technology manages to have a semi-functional social life.
More awesome guest stars
James Marsters' Captain John Hart was the best thing about the last series, followed closely by Alan Dale's Professor Aaron Copley. So far, we know this series boasts Peter Capaldi and Liz May Brice yes, murderous top dog Pat Kerrigan from Bad Girls!
Marsters has also hinted that he'll be back in Cardiff before too long, but that might just be cruel teasing.
More sex
It wouldn't be Torchwood if people (and aliens) weren't having sex all over the place, all the time. Captain Jack finally has to face the consequences of having random relations with random people when his daughter turns up. Of course, that won't stop him from getting it on with the adorable besuited Ianto.
More standing on roofs and aerial shots of Cardiff
Torchwood went a bit meta in series two when the writers realised that series one had far too many shots of John Barrowman bestriding the tops of Cardiff's tallest buildings military coat flapping, eyes gazing into the middle distance and decided to make a running gag of it instead. The first episode saw Ianto tell Jack to inspect the roof with the words "You're good on roofs" and since then, he's stayed free of vertigo and happily surveyed the entirety of the beautiful Cardiff horizon. In case we forget how picturesque Cardiff is these days, there are plenty of swooping camera shots cut into the story, just to remind us.
Apart from that, the BBC tells us to expect Torchwood's greatest
"adrenaline-fuelled, high-octane adventure yet" as the team battle to save the human race. It's difficult to see how they'll fit it in, what with their busy days of sex, roof-standing, incompetence and narcissism, but I think we can safely assume they'll triumph in the end. And if they manage to lose Gwen along the way, so much the better.
Can't wait to see him adapt yet another popular movie into an episode about aliens.
