Advice and Relationships Again: A Hypester's Tale

[Dreadstar]

Actually, advertising companies manipulate the public all the time into buying their products that they do not need or want. I dont see you crying about that! And I am not manipulating, just steering the odds in my favour.

ANd I am NOT making her think subconsciously that pleasing me is like pleasing her father, this is what is going on in her own mind, or so I think.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Advertising companies don't befriend me, get close to me emotionally and physically, learn my emotional weaknesses (father issues) and use them to get me to do something incredibly personal and private...

Steering the odds in you're favour would be finding out she likes guys who wear v neck shirts and deciding to wear a v neck shirt the next time you see her....

Trying to assosiate yourself with her father in her subconscious mind so that she might sleep with you based on her psychological need for approval from him, is just ******* nasty. Seriously... think about how immoral, unkind, selfish, slimey, underhanded and just downright messed up that is.

 

[Speedball]

Advertising companies don't befriend me, get close to me emotionally and physically, learn my emotional weaknesses (father issues) and use them to get me to do something incredibly personal and private...

Steering the odds in you're favour would be finding out she likes guys who wear v neck shirts and deciding to wear a v neck shirt the next time you see her....

Trying to assosiate yourself with her father in her subconscious mind so that she might sleep with you based on her psychological need for approval from him, is just ******* nasty. Seriously... think about how immoral, unkind, selfish, slimey, underhanded and just downright messed up that is.

I agree completely.

Stop being so worried about getting into her pants and actually TRY to have a relationship, if that's what you even want. All these posts are too long and I'm too tired to read them all.

 

[Darthphere]

Actually, advertising companies manipulate the public all the time into buying their products that they do not need or want. I dont see you crying about that! And I am not manipulating, just steering the odds in my favour.

ANd I am NOT making her think subconsciously that pleasing me is like pleasing her father, this is what is going on in her own mind, or so I think.

Advertising companies don't befriend me, get close to me emotionally and physically, learn my emotional weaknesses (father issues) and use them to get me to do something incredibly personal and private...

Steering the odds in you're favour would be finding out she likes guys who wear v neck shirts and deciding to wear a v neck shirt the next time you see her....

Trying to assosiate yourself with her father in her subconscious mind so that she might sleep with you based on her psychological need for approval from him, is just ******* nasty. Seriously... think about how immoral, unkind, selfish, slimey, underhanded and just downright messed up that is.

 

[ComicChick]

i totally agree with hopeful here

 

[ComicChick]

so here's something a little less creepy (i sure hope)

i work a lot. everyone knows this haha and one of my jobs is working merchandising for bands who come on tour here. well i kinda ended being attracted to a guy i worked a few shows with. when we worked the show thursday we were in different booths but i ended up being sent to his, which also had like 5 other people. despite us both being sweaty as heck in 100+ degree temps and bumping into each other constantly in the small booth throughout the concert(s), we've only had a few minor convos. but when we were talking during some down time thursday i found out it was the last show he was working cuz he was moving to detroit for an internship and to pursue his masters

a friend of mine said i should add him on facebook to see if we can keep in touch on there. i think it's kinda dorky and he'd probably think me crazy because we have no mutual friends but i went ahead a sent a friend request. i think it's kinda pointless to even consider the possibility we'd keep in touch, he's moving into another time zone and although we did have some things in common, i don't think he'd be interested in me at all (aka he's hot, i'm not eh) i don't really have that great a story lol but i wanted to take one for the team and move on from the creepy manipulation story.

basically, i can't seem to shake the 'ugly girl' mentality i've always had. i was really really really out of shape for most of my life (depression et al) and within the past 3 years i've really turned things around. i'm healthier and in better shape than when i was in high school and i feel better. although i still have a ways to go i know i've come far. i just can't shake the idea that i'm no longer hideous and obese. granted, i don't think i am beautiful now, and i don't think i'm a troll, i just cant stop seeing the girl i hated and thought was ugly and see that i'm worthy enough that someone would want to date me. i'm trying to find the confidence that i'm good enough, it's just hard for me :/

i don't want to be the d.u.f.f. anymore and i am ready to get out there and date, but it's been so long that i feel like i'm completely out of my element.

 

[Anita18]

But you must've gotten on at first, at least reasonably well? Otherwise you wouldn't have made the effort to travel even that distance. Some people wouldn't make the effort if they even live in the same city and only half an hour away. You talked on the phone/online first before meeting, right? How long after all that did you actually meet up?

I actually don't remember that part much. He's not a talker nor much of a writer, but I did get the gist before meeting him in person that he wasn't a creep. He's very direct but not aggressive. I'm pretty sure he suggested meeting up pretty early. We didn't really "get on" until we met in person. To be honest I didn't really have anything better to do.

We met kind of in the middle of where we both were. If you're 2-3 hours away, meeting in the middle will keep both of your commutes from being super-terrible.

Ok, so here is whats going on in my world. Still seeing fling girl. We just got back from a vacation in the mountains. Been with her 2 over months. everything is moving swimmingly except she keeps talking about how she wants to sell her house next summer and move out of my city to the mountains. SO WTF?

I just spent a night out with my fiance and I remembered I had forgotten to get mad at this part too.

When my fiance and I first started dating, I had plans to go into medical illustration. I told him the program I'd probably want to get into the most was in Toronto, Canada. Keep in mind we were in Los Angeles. Not only a different country, but the other side of the continent.

Do you know what he told me? "You should go for it!" He said nothing about, "What about me? Don't you want to be with me?" or anything selfish that would try to coerce me from not pursuing my dream.

Obviously I changed my mind about medical illustration, but what he said always stuck with me. He wanted to make sure I pursued my goals, whatever they were. He wanted me to be the person I aspired to be, and if that inconvenienced the relationship well, we'd figure that out later.

Dreadstar, you don't want to do ANY of that for any of your three women. You want them for what they can give to you, which is to feel attractive and wanted. You're selfish, and for that reason I don't think any of these relationships will last. But hey, if you're having fun bedding all of them, go right ahead.

 

[OctaviusINC]

basically, i can't seem to shake the 'ugly girl' mentality i've always had. i just can't shake the idea that i'm no longer hideous and obese. granted, i don't think i am beautiful now, and i don't think i'm a troll, i just cant stop seeing the girl i hated and thought was ugly and see that i'm worthy enough that someone would want to date me. i'm trying to find the confidence that i'm good enough, it's just hard for me :/

i don't want to be the d.u.f.f. anymore and i am ready to get out there and date, but it's been so long that i feel like i'm completely out of my element.

Heh. You sound like my girlfriend. She had the same mentality. Still does in some aspects. I always call her "beautiful" and "gorgeous" and she would always cringe and say how nobody's ever called her that before.

But I'm not going to lie, she's said some things to me that I couldn't believe. Sexy? Who me? Really?

When you find someone who truly feels that way about you, you have something special.

I'm sure you're a good lookin' gal. Don't doubt yourself so much. I'm a self conscious guy. I know how you feel. I always used to be like that. Just cringe when I looked in the mirror. I thought I was disgusting looking, you know?

Somebody will find you "worthy enough to date". Chances are a lot of guys will. You just got to find the one for you. But that means you have to look,mind you. And pursue if possible. Don't over analyze and let your brain get in the way.

You like someone. You think they're a decent person, had a good conversation or whatever. Ask for their number. Ask to hang out. You got to read them.

But don't ever give up on yourself. Even though you're just text on a screen, you seem like a nice person. That enough will warrant you a date with someone.

Getting a date is only as complicated as you make it out to be.

 

[Anita18]

so here's something a little less creepy (i sure hope)

i work a lot. everyone knows this haha and one of my jobs is working merchandising for bands who come on tour here. well i kinda ended being attracted to a guy i worked a few shows with. when we worked the show thursday we were in different booths but i ended up being sent to his, which also had like 5 other people. despite us both being sweaty as heck in 100+ degree temps and bumping into each other constantly in the small booth throughout the concert(s), we've only had a few minor convos. but when we were talking during some down time thursday i found out it was the last show he was working cuz he was moving to detroit for an internship and to pursue his masters

a friend of mine said i should add him on facebook to see if we can keep in touch on there. i think it's kinda dorky and he'd probably think me crazy because we have no mutual friends but i went ahead a sent a friend request. i think it's kinda pointless to even consider the possibility we'd keep in touch, he's moving into another time zone and although we did have some things in common, i don't think he'd be interested in me at all (aka he's hot, i'm not eh) i don't really have that great a story lol but i wanted to take one for the team and move on from the creepy manipulation story.

basically, i can't seem to shake the 'ugly girl' mentality i've always had. i was really really really out of shape for most of my life (depression et al) and within the past 3 years i've really turned things around. i'm healthier and in better shape than when i was in high school and i feel better. although i still have a ways to go i know i've come far. i just can't shake the idea that i'm no longer hideous and obese. granted, i don't think i am beautiful now, and i don't think i'm a troll, i just cant stop seeing the girl i hated and thought was ugly and see that i'm worthy enough that someone would want to date me. i'm trying to find the confidence that i'm good enough, it's just hard for me :/

i don't want to be the d.u.f.f. anymore and i am ready to get out there and date, but it's been so long that i feel like i'm completely out of my element.

Believe me, body shape is way less important than personality. I had a friend in college who was VERY popular with the guys, and I'll be honest, she was fat. But that was never the first word you'd use to describe her, because she always had a big smile, was super-bubbly, LOVED everyone, was like the mother hen who always made sure everyone got along. And the guys loved her because she was very un-intimidating and just generally great to be around, even if she wasn't classically pretty and never tried to be. I mean seriously, she didn't dress particularly nice either and didn't usually wear makeup. She was just 100% personality and people definitely respond positively to that.

So yeah, the limitation is really all in your head. If people are going to judge you because of your looks, they're not worth having around. Friend or boyfriend. They're losers. But people also don't respond particularly well around a person who is always down on herself, unless they're looking for another person to mope with. Believe me, I've been there. That's not fun.

Little steps though. In my head I'm still the sexless skinny boobless girl who the guys never paid attention to in high school. Now I can believe that SOME guys would find me attractive, like my fiance. But the response I got for my Catwoman costume last weekend at a dance club (where someone told me they would have boned me three times before letting me out of the house), I'm still not used to, at all.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I think my fiance was pretty sure he liked me enough to keep me long-term when we first met, but I sure wouldn't bring up MARRIAGE on the first date.

I mean, seriously. It's one thing to meet someone, and feel long term potential. It's another to meet someone, and have the overwhelming feelings of "soul mate"iness that Godzilla there is looking for and expecting.

Glad to see things haven't changed in here.

I mean, I'm right back to my usual ways of getting involved with someone that may or may not have a boyfriend...

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Actually, advertising companies manipulate the public all the time into buying their products that they do not need or want. I dont see you crying about that! And I am not manipulating, just steering the odds in my favour.

Subtle manipulators often think they steer the odds in their favor when what they actually do comes off as painfully obvious to everyone else, who just plays along.

ANd I am NOT making her think subconsciously that pleasing me is like pleasing her father, this is what is going on in her own mind, or so I think.

Whatever Sigmund Freud

Girls consciously enjoy talking about sex, you know this right? I just met three girls this week and I've made not-so-subtle passes at them or brought up the topic of sex already with all three. Not one shys away from those discussions.

If you were really smooth and sly you'd simply have the confidence to talk about this instead of trying to 'subconsciously make her go there'.

We all feel here, I think, like she's given her answer and you're simply ignoring it.

 

[Dark Raven]

Believe me, body shape is way less important than personality. I had a friend in college who was VERY popular with the guys, and I'll be honest, she was fat. But that was never the first word you'd use to describe her, because she always had a big smile, was super-bubbly, LOVED everyone, was like the mother hen who always made sure everyone got along. And the guys loved her because she was very un-intimidating and just generally great to be around, even if she wasn't classically pretty and never tried to be. I mean seriously, she didn't dress particularly nice either and didn't usually wear makeup. She was just 100% personality and people definitely respond positively to that.

So yeah, the limitation is really all in your head. If people are going to judge you because of your looks, they're not worth having around. Friend or boyfriend. They're losers. But people also don't respond particularly well around a person who is always down on herself, unless they're looking for another person to mope with. Believe me, I've been there. That's not fun.

Little steps though. In my head I'm still the sexless skinny boobless girl who the guys never paid attention to in high school. Now I can believe that SOME guys would find me attractive, like my fiance. But the response I got for my Catwoman costume last weekend at a dance club (where someone told me they would have boned me three times before letting me out of the house), I'm still not used to, at all.

He said that to your face? What a forward young man!!

You didn't mind?

I actually don't remember that part much. He's not a talker nor much of a writer, but I did get the gist before meeting him in person that he wasn't a creep. He's very direct but not aggressive. I'm pretty sure he suggested meeting up pretty early. We didn't really "get on" until we met in person. To be honest I didn't really have anything better to do.


We met kind of in the middle of where we both were. If you're 2-3 hours away, meeting in the middle will keep both of your commutes from being super-terrible.

I don't think this is going to work to be honest. I don't think I'm really up for a long distance relationship at this stage of my life and even this first stage which is turning into pen pals is too much of a chore. If we lived closer, I wouldn't want to spend very long emailing back and forth. Being this far to start with, one probably has to spend longer at that before even deciding to meet up, because you want to be sure it's even worth meeting up in the first place and wouldn't want it to be a short meeting when you've spent all that time travelling to get there.

For me, I need to see another person in their every day environment and not just putting on their best face for a date. I'd want to see how they interact with me in a group, how i'd interact with their friends or them with mine, or just doing very normal things which aren't even date related. You can't really get this sense when you're that far apart and would only see each other every other week, because it's all a bit too artificial.

I don't think I should've even contacted someone that far in the first place, but I was just trying to cast my net a little wider than my own city. I don't mind even the next city along if it's an hour away, but 2-3 hours is a little too far, especially if you're both leading quite different lives.

 

[Erzengel]

basically, i can't seem to shake the 'ugly girl' mentality i've always had. i was really really really out of shape for most of my life (depression et al) and within the past 3 years i've really turned things around. i'm healthier and in better shape than when i was in high school and i feel better. although i still have a ways to go i know i've come far. i just can't shake the idea that i'm no longer hideous and obese. granted, i don't think i am beautiful now, and i don't think i'm a troll, i just cant stop seeing the girl i hated and thought was ugly and see that i'm worthy enough that someone would want to date me. i'm trying to find the confidence that i'm good enough, it's just hard for me :/

i don't want to be the d.u.f.f. anymore and i am ready to get out there and date, but it's been so long that i feel like i'm completely out of my element.

Octavius and Anita hit the major bullet points.

But, I think your issue is going to be a paradox. You probably need a little male attention to gain some self confidence, however, you need self confidence to put yourself out there.

I mean it's not as hard as you are probably making it out to be.

I really agree with Octavius says, you don't need 100 guys to worship the ground you walk on. I'm sure you don't have to go past this website to find posters who think Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman aren't all that. You just need that one guy.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

basically, i can't seem to shake the 'ugly girl' mentality i've always had. i was really really really out of shape for most of my life (depression et al) and within the past 3 years i've really turned things around. i'm healthier and in better shape than when i was in high school and i feel better. although i still have a ways to go i know i've come far. i just can't shake the idea that i'm no longer hideous and obese. granted, i don't think i am beautiful now, and i don't think i'm a troll, i just cant stop seeing the girl i hated and thought was ugly and see that i'm worthy enough that someone would want to date me. i'm trying to find the confidence that i'm good enough, it's just hard for me :/

i don't want to be the d.u.f.f. anymore and i am ready to get out there and date, but it's been so long that i feel like i'm completely out of my element.

It's called body dysmorphia, and if you have been working out a lot, like I do, I understand it. I think I definitely had it for a while, at least in person. I certainly remember being in college and watching Ryan Reynolds or Christian Bale get jacked like it was no big deal and I wanted to be that way. Now, I actually kind of am that way, but I also think I was far to hard on myself...then again, how else would I have gotten to now...

...Someone else mentioned it being paradoxical, and it is. I think I started looking better physically when I became comfortable with my physique. I think there is probably some science to that, like stress levels decrease.

I also think people grow into their frames later/sooner. Sometimes it's good if you're not quite there yet because I look back at guys I used to envy and think "man, I look way better than him now".

Attractiveness definitely matters. I find it amusing that so many people say "oh, personality is so much more important". In my experience it's more of a give and take. People 'loving' you is different from them being sexually attracted to you. However, you can compensate. Status, power, influence, lifestyle, personality may be stronger selling points for others.

Attractiveness is a somewhat fluid concept though as it's presentation based. Brad Pitt and Angelina don't look sexy in a full on Gorilla costume.

One of the mistakes I had been making was I dressed like I used to. I never dressed like the guy who was in a Fitness Magazine, or like a guy who comes from money, or like I knew anything about looking good.

I realize now my body shape had changed and I'd really never taken the time to re-examine how I showed that off. That's kind of personality too, because I wasn't acting like I knew I had a good body.

So that's part of it. If you knew you were fat and ugly once and now you think you are not, or that you're a far cry from what you were then you probably are. So you can stop thinking it and just know that you're not "like that" anymore.

You can also stop acting like it. Go out and buy a dress you wouldn't have dare worn before and wear it.

Start making more direct passes at men. Sure, friend request some random dude. You're probably right, he may have turned you down obese, but you're not so don't worry about it. Even if he turns you down it'll be for a different reason.

 

[Anita18]

He said that to your face? What a forward young man!!

You didn't mind?

Yup! Even after I told him I was engaged to someone else, who was staying home because he hated clubs. Hence the "I would have.....before letting you out of the house" part of the comment.

He was joking. I save my wrath for the folks who actually touch me, and I actually was not grabbed that night. They probably looked at my stilettos and thought better of it.

Also, he turned out to be a minor celebrity since one of my friends recognized him from the indie film TV channel IFC. So um, that's cool, I suppose?

I dunno, I know that if I were out and about in my regular clothes, nobody would give a second look at me. It was only because of the catsuit that I got the comments.

I don't think this is going to work to be honest. I don't think I'm really up for a long distance relationship at this stage of my life and even this first stage which is turning into pen pals is too much of a chore. If we lived closer, I wouldn't want to spend very long emailing back and forth. Being this far to start with, one probably has to spend longer at that before even deciding to meet up, because you want to be sure it's even worth meeting up in the first place and wouldn't want it to be a short meeting when you've spent all that time travelling to get there.

For me, I need to see another person in their every day environment and not just putting on their best face for a date. I'd want to see how they interact with me in a group, how i'd interact with their friends or them with mine, or just doing very normal things which aren't even date related. You can't really get this sense when you're that far apart and would only see each other every other week, because it's all a bit too artificial.

I don't think I should've even contacted someone that far in the first place, but I was just trying to cast my net a little wider than my own city. I don't mind even the next city along if it's an hour away, but 2-3 hours is a little too far, especially if you're both leading quite different lives.

Well, if you're leading quite different lives, it'll probably not work out anyway. I mean, my bf and I don't work in the same industries, but it's not like either of us are working 80-hr weeks at a minimum wage jobs. There has to be some lifestyle similarity.

I really agree with Octavius says, you don't need 100 guys to worship the ground you walk on. I'm sure you don't have to go past this website to find posters who think Anne Hathaway, Scarlett Johansson, Natalie Portman aren't all that. You just need that one guy.

That's exactly what I told myself when I was single for 6 years. You really just need one. More than one will cause you stress if you're not used to juggling dates anyway.

 

[terry78]

Believe me, body shape is way less important than personality. I had a friend in college who was VERY popular with the guys, and I'll be honest, she was fat. But that was never the first word you'd use to describe her, because she always had a big smile, was super-bubbly, LOVED everyone, was like the mother hen who always made sure everyone got along. And the guys loved her because she was very un-intimidating and just generally great to be around, even if she wasn't classically pretty and never tried to be. I mean seriously, she didn't dress particularly nice either and didn't usually wear makeup. She was just 100% personality and people definitely respond positively to that.

So yeah, the limitation is really all in your head. If people are going to judge you because of your looks, they're not worth having around. Friend or boyfriend. They're losers. But people also don't respond particularly well around a person who is always down on herself, unless they're looking for another person to mope with. Believe me, I've been there. That's not fun.

Little steps though. In my head I'm still the sexless skinny boobless girl who the guys never paid attention to in high school. Now I can believe that SOME guys would find me attractive, like my fiance. But the response I got for my Catwoman costume last weekend at a dance club (where someone told me they would have boned me three times before letting me out of the house), I'm still not used to, at all.

I told your ass that Catwoman outfit was hot. Open your goddamn ears next time.

 

[Erzengel]

That's exactly what I told myself when I was single for 6 years. You really just need one. More than one will cause you stress if you're not used to juggling dates anyway.

While I do agree that personality goes a long way, and one can get tired of someone who's extremely attractive but vapid, I do think that some level of physical attractiveness at least gets you to the plate. What you do from there is pretty much up to you.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I mean he's groped her. At this point I think we're past the point of having to dance around it.

I've sent out the occasional "wanna f***" text, it's not bad if that's all you're looking for and that's clearly all he's looking for right here.

I didn't f***** a girl without so much as a hello. Not saying that makes me an expert, but hey, sometimes direct is the way to go.

I guess not. He posted a picture of himself with the face blocked out in another thread and to be fair to him he's certainly looked to be in fairly decent shape, although faces are pretty important to women. Kind of what you have to look at...ifyaknowwhatimsayin'...

I think it doesn't speak to his confidence. I mean the whole undertone of manipulating someone into f***ing basically hinges on the concept that "all things being equal they wouldn't want to f*** that person". Basically if someone feels like manipulation is necessary then they must not feel like the product is very good to begin with.

Or they have to realize that under the current circumstances that person wouldn't want to f*** them.

Also, this is sort of in regards to the comment "2 people have told me she would [f*** me]" thing Dreadstar said.

Dreadstar, if you haven't tagged it yet, until it happens what 2 people say doesn't mean a whole lot.

Just say "look, are we gonna f*** or what?" because at this point it's one or the other. She'll either blow you off or you'll tag it. Clearly, to me, you're not interested in her friendship. If that's what you wanted you'd get off this manipulation kick.

I have several friends I have f***ed, and it'll probably happen again, but in those scenarios you don't and shouldn't do anything, because your friends will stick around with you regardless of whether or not it goes there, and if they really want to the opportunity is available. You being manipulative makes the sexual tension that already exists between many female and male friends more awkward.

See the thing is though, he doesn't want to actually sleep with her because that means the game is over. He doesn't want a relationship, he's more into the thrill of the chase. It's why fling girl is still fling girl, not girlfriend, once she's his girlfriend then all the drama is over. However, fling girl that great, you never when she's going to leave, there's an element of drama there. She's definitely going to leave at some point, so he's got to keep a couple girls in the wings.

 

[Dark Raven]

I told your ass that Catwoman outfit was hot. Open your goddamn ears next time.

Did Anita post a pic of herself as Catwoman?

 

[Anita18]

Did Anita post a pic of herself as Catwoman?

One pic, in the SHH photo thread here in the community forum.

 

[ComicChick]

You like someone. You think they're a decent person, had a good conversation or whatever. Ask for their number. Ask to hang out. You got to read them.

But don't ever give up on yourself. Even though you're just text on a screen, you seem like a nice person. That enough will warrant you a date with someone.

Getting a date is only as complicated as you make it out to be.

thank you for the kind words

So yeah, the limitation is really all in your head. If people are going to judge you because of your looks, they're not worth having around. Friend or boyfriend. They're losers. But people also don't respond particularly well around a person who is always down on herself, unless they're looking for another person to mope with. Believe me, I've been there. That's not fun.

i'm not mopey at all. in all honestly i'm probably too controlled in my emotions and outward reactions than anything. my environment growing up taught me to mask my emotions and showing them gave someone something to use against you. i've worked on overcoming that a lot but sometimes i shut down or revert without even realizing. if i had a dollar for every time someone told me i was cold hearted or heartless... (i promise i'm not)

 

[hopefuldreamer]

ANd I am NOT making her think subconsciously that pleasing me is like pleasing her father, this is what is going on in her own mind, or so I think.

...

See you're own EXACT words below.

She wants to please me and I have been told by 2 different people that she would hop into bed with me just to please me. In fact, when I talk to her now I am going to use those words. "Yes, this pleases me or NO! that does not please me." See if I can connect on an unconscious level.

I'm not making this stuff up just for the fun... believe me.

YOU stated that it is you're intention to try and plant an assosiation in her mind between you and her father, so that she will try to 'please you' by sleeping with you.

And that, is simply ****** up.

 

[ComicChick]

It's called body dysmorphia, and if you have been working out a lot, like I do, I understand it. I think I definitely had it for a while, at least in person. I certainly remember being in college and watching Ryan Reynolds or Christian Bale get jacked like it was no big deal and I wanted to be that way. Now, I actually kind of am that way, but I also think I was far to hard on myself...then again, how else would I have gotten to now...

...Someone else mentioned it being paradoxical, and it is. I think I started looking better physically when I became comfortable with my physique. I think there is probably some science to that, like stress levels decrease.

I also think people grow into their frames later/sooner. Sometimes it's good if you're not quite there yet because I look back at guys I used to envy and think "man, I look way better than him now".

Attractiveness definitely matters. I find it amusing that so many people say "oh, personality is so much more important". In my experience it's more of a give and take. People 'loving' you is different from them being sexually attracted to you. However, you can compensate. Status, power, influence, lifestyle, personality may be stronger selling points for others.

Attractiveness is a somewhat fluid concept though as it's presentation based. Brad Pitt and Angelina don't look sexy in a full on Gorilla costume.

So that's part of it. If you knew you were fat and ugly once and now you think you are not, or that you're a far cry from what you were then you probably are. So you can stop thinking it and just know that you're not "like that" anymore.

You can also stop acting like it. Go out and buy a dress you wouldn't have dare worn before and wear it.

Start making more direct passes at men. Sure, friend request some random dude. You're probably right, he may have turned you down obese, but you're not so don't worry about it. Even if he turns you down it'll be for a different reason.

lots of great feedback and points here, so thanks for that

i noticed that when i became happier with my results and looks that i became more comfortable in my skin. when i got rid of a ton of clothes that no longer fit and got more fitting clothes and changed up my style more that i think it helped my confidence a lot.


i'll end up deleting this later i'm sure, but i think one way for me to get some confidence would be to open and put myself out there.

 

[terry78]

^ It's like the teaser we have been waiting for since time immemorial.

 

[Anita18]

i'm not mopey at all. in all honestly i'm probably too controlled in my emotions and outward reactions than anything. my environment growing up taught me to mask my emotions and showing them gave someone something to use against you. i've worked on overcoming that a lot but sometimes i shut down or revert without even realizing. if i had a dollar for every time someone told me i was cold hearted or heartless... (i promise i'm not)

Yeah there's definitely a scale between "mopey and dour" and "caffeinated bubbly."

But that could also be holding you back as well. It's unfortunate that you were taught that you had to protect yourself emotionally and not let your walls down ever. I was taught that growing up as well, and then sometime in middle school I realized that nobody gave a crap about me since I was such a wallflower. It actually gave me a reason to let loose a little, since nobody cared. Little steps. I've actually never been called cold-hearted or heartless, though...that's just odd. I'm always willing to lend a hand without being asked to, maybe that's why?