Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[Anita18]

God... All this talk is really making me wanna find someone I find genuinely sexy.

I so miss that feeling of just wanting someone that much. My ex, he'd walk in the room and I'd literally get butterflies and my heart would start racing and I wouldn't be able to concetrate on what I was doing anymore... I've never felt that with anyone before or since.

It's just so difficult to make that happen. Because I rarely find people sexy based on their looks (I know that's weird)

And I wanna try going out and actually 'dating', but the personality traits I tend to find most sexy (which is basically teasing, flirting, mischief and cockyness on a guy who's blatantly not that confident on the inside) usually don't come from guys that you'd find on the internet dating scene.

I mean, I could try dating someone I don't feel any sexual chemistry with.

And if I did that, I'd certainly not wanna kiss on the first date... I'd have to wait until I started getting to know them and maybe that attraction would grow and THEN I'd just one day wanna kiss them out of the blue.

But it'd feel so unfair to keep stringing a guy a long hoping that I might find them attractive eventually.

I mean, how long do you give it before you're just leading the person on?

I actually felt that way about my bf for a loooong time. I was definitely feeling things out up until we slept together, hahahaha. But I enjoyed his company, and he didn't show any signs of being hopelessly infatuated with me so I didn't feel bad about continuing to feel things out with him. I dunno, it's hard to explain. I'd definitely been on dates with guys where I wasn't feeling it and cut it off right away. But something about him convinced me to stick it out.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I actually felt that way about my bf for a loooong time. I was definitely feeling things out up until we slept together, hahahaha. But I enjoyed his company, and he didn't show any signs of being hopelessly infatuated with me so I didn't feel bad about continuing to feel things out with him. I dunno, it's hard to explain. I'd definitely been on dates with guys where I wasn't feeling it and cut it off right away. But something about him convinced me to stick it out.

In fairness, it was a similar thing with my ex at first, I didn't find him all that attractive at all, and I ended up finding him incredibly hot... but I still kissed him the very first night he asked me out and it only took a couple of weeks for those 'feelings' to start stirring.

 

[Erzengel]

But as far as actual dates go, I've never been on a first date where it felt right to kiss on the first date. Maybe that's because the girl I was on a date with wasn't feeling it so she didn't give the signals, maybe it's because I misread the signal or was too scared, or maybe it was just because the girls that I've been on those dates with weren't ready to kiss on the first date.

It also has to do with dating style.

There was a point where I didn't care, so I always went for it.

Maybe if it was a someone I was really attracted to and I really didn't want to mess anything up and the date went "okay", I can see holding off.

 

[The Guard]

So I'm kinda split at the moment. I'm realizing that while I do sincerely hope something would happen between me and this girl, I know at the same time that it's kinda been ruined thanks to everyone trying to help me out and pestering her about it. But I do still believe that with a little time, we could have something. Thing is, I know I want her. I know it'll be damn difficult to find someone who is like her because, let's be honest, she's the full package. Sweet, kind, beautiful, intelligent, caring, honest, she's just great. BUT, I see how many other girls there are. I while I know that I do honestly care about her and want to be with her, I mean, goddamn some of those girls are looking good. It seems sometimes my hormones just take over and I wanna go out to a bar and just hook up with the hottest girl I can find. Not to mention a few other failed relationship attempts have come around to be interested, and are looking pretty good. I know that in the back of my mind, it's always her that I want. Yesterday I was at my most "I just want to **** something" state of mind, and when I saw her, I just became like a tamed puppy dog. But the thing is, I know that at the moment nothing is going to happen. She likes me, but there's too much pressure on her to say yes, so it's not really her decision. So I have to give it some time for people to lay off and stop talking to her about it. But at the same time, when I don't see her and can push the thought of her alll the way to the back of my head, there are a lot of girls. I've just recently realized that you know what, I'm actually a pretty fun guy, and I have a lot to offer. Girls are interested in me, and they are pretty damn attractive too. I just don't want to do something based on some urges and ruin the chances I do have with this girl. Goddamn summer and it's hot temperatures and girls in skimpy clothing...

How has it been ruined by people pestering her about it? What's not her decision? Going out with you? Having sex with you? So you're saying that you're not going out with Complete Package Girl right now?

Seeing attractive women and wanting to sleep with them is completely natural.

How will you getting with another girl ruin your chance to be with Complete Package Girl?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Would I push a girl off me if she tried to kiss me on the first date? Absolutely not. I think I had even mentioned it in a previous post that if the first date just went that well, and it was that clear, then yea, I'd do it. But I've never been on a first date, even with my ex, where it was that clear from the get go, and we just had to kiss each other.

...

But as far as actual dates go, I've never been on a first date where it felt right to kiss on the first date. Maybe that's because the girl I was on a date with wasn't feeling it so she didn't give the signals, maybe it's because I misread the signal or was too scared, or maybe it was just because the girls that I've been on those dates with weren't ready to kiss on the first date.

If you have no problem with the concept of kissing on the first date, you should probably be the one to try for it, in my opinion.

There may be scenarios where I would compromise, but it's to a point where I don't really care enough to not make an attempt. Kissing is not rape, so it's not wrong. It's fairly easy to avoid someone leaning in to kiss you. I just don't understand what's to be afraid of. Sure girls may have horror stories about guys awkwardly going in for kisses, but honestly, if the date went well, that'd most likely not cost you anything. Never costed me anything.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

God... All this talk is really making me wanna find someone I find genuinely sexy.

I so miss that feeling of just wanting someone that much. My ex, he'd walk in the room and I'd literally get butterflies and my heart would start racing and I wouldn't be able to concetrate on what I was doing anymore... I've never felt that with anyone before or since.

It's just so difficult to make that happen. Because I rarely find people sexy based on their looks (I know that's weird)

And I wanna try going out and actually 'dating', but the personality traits I tend to find most sexy (which is basically teasing, flirting, mischief and cockyness on a guy who's blatantly not that confident on the inside) usually don't come from guys that you'd find on the internet dating scene.

I mean, I could try dating someone I don't feel any sexual chemistry with.

And if I did that, I'd certainly not wanna kiss on the first date... I'd have to wait until I started getting to know them and maybe that attraction would grow and THEN I'd just one day wanna kiss them out of the blue.

But it'd feel so unfair to keep stringing a guy a long hoping that I might find them attractive eventually.

I mean, how long do you give it before you're just leading the person on?

Well I mean for myself, I knew going into the 3rd date with my ex that I was ready to progress the relationship. We had been out a couple times, plus the time we spent together in Florida, and I knew I wanted a relationship with her. If nothing had happened by the end of that 3rd date, I probably would have been done with her. Luckily she made it easy for me - she made it clear she had the same thoughts that I did about the future of the relationship, so making a move was easy.

I mean, obviously there's a point where yea, you're just stringing a guy along, but I don't think that's the first date.

Unless of course you're like a couple girls I dated... One, I had been going out with her, including taking her to a fancy dinner on Valentines Day where I was met with "I don't want to settle down / I just wanna be friends", and I was like you coulda told me this before I took you out to a nice dinner on Valentines Day... And she continued wanting to see me, despite me making my intentions clear, and got mad whenever I showed that I wanted more from the relationship...

Another time, went out with a girl, had a -great- night, and made plans for a 2nd date that never happened. She kept saying she wanted the 2nd date but never followed through.

That's stringing along to me. I don't think that not kissing on a first date is stringing along.

 

[Erzengel]

Nell, which came first a kiss or a relationship commitment?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Nell, which came first a kiss or a relationship commitment?

That's a good question.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

So I'm kinda split at the moment. I'm realizing that while I do sincerely hope something would happen between me and this girl, I know at the same time that it's kinda been ruined thanks to everyone trying to help me out and pestering her about it. But I do still believe that with a little time, we could have something. Thing is, I know I want her. I know it'll be damn difficult to find someone who is like her because, let's be honest, she's the full package. Sweet, kind, beautiful, intelligent, caring, honest, she's just great. BUT, I see how many other girls there are. I while I know that I do honestly care about her and want to be with her, I mean, goddamn some of those girls are looking good. It seems sometimes my hormones just take over and I wanna go out to a bar and just hook up with the hottest girl I can find. Not to mention a few other failed relationship attempts have come around to be interested, and are looking pretty good. I know that in the back of my mind, it's always her that I want. Yesterday I was at my most "I just want to **** something" state of mind, and when I saw her, I just became like a tamed puppy dog. But the thing is, I know that at the moment nothing is going to happen. She likes me, but there's too much pressure on her to say yes, so it's not really her decision. So I have to give it some time for people to lay off and stop talking to her about it. But at the same time, when I don't see her and can push the thought of her alll the way to the back of my head, there are a lot of girls. I've just recently realized that you know what, I'm actually a pretty fun guy, and I have a lot to offer. Girls are interested in me, and they are pretty damn attractive too. I just don't want to do something based on some urges and ruin the chances I do have with this girl. Goddamn summer and it's hot temperatures and girls in skimpy clothing...

So you can't ask a girl out because there are other good looking girls out there? Or is it because there are a number of people that think you should ask her out? Either reason isn't a reason, it's just you trying to justify being scared and wussing out. Fortune favors the bold, just ask her out.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

That's stringing along to me. I don't think that not kissing on a first date is stringing along.

I think it depends on why you're not kissing.

If you're not kissing because both of you are shy/inexperienced/not confident enough to make the first move so soon, or because you're intentionally trying to take it slow so that it's more 'special', then that's fine.

But i'm basically saying that if I don't WANT to kiss the guy after the first date... if i'm not attracted enough to him to even like the thought of kissing him... is it stringing them along to keep dating and TRYING to wait for a possible moment where I might find them attractive?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Nell, which came first a kiss or a relationship commitment?

Kiss.

I think it depends on why you're not kissing.

If you're not kissing because both of you are shy/inexperienced/not confident enough to make the first move so soon, or because you're intentionally trying to take it slow so that it's more 'special', then that's fine.

But i'm basically saying that if I don't WANT to kiss the guy after the first date... if i'm not attracted enough to him to even like the thought of kissing him... is it stringing them along to keep dating and TRYING to wait for a possible moment where I might find them attractive?

If you're just talking about the -want-, then I agree. I wouldn't even go on a date with someone I didn't have a -want- to kiss.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

If you're just talking about the -want-, then I agree. I wouldn't even go on a date with someone I didn't have a -want- to kiss.

But what if all the people you really want to kiss, are not good boyfriend material?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

If you're just talking about the -want-, then I agree. I wouldn't even go on a date with someone I didn't have a -want- to kiss.

Then I'd say you need to make the move. I mean you can't sense when she is ready necessarily, and she's not necessarily gonna position herself for you either, so I mean it's definitely a moment, but you have to make it yourself.

You seem to have little issue with the concept of kissing on the first date, and more issue with the actual doing of it. If you don't have a problem with it conceptually you should at least make a move. If you wait to do something you want to do it makes it confusing as to why you waited so long.

 

[Erzengel]

I forget who I gave advice to in this thread but there was a poster who was constantly planning/thinking about the second date while they were still on the first.

I'm not sure if that's how you're thinking Nell.

Maybe you should think, if she doesn't respond well to this kiss I can move on to someone else instead of thinking you don't want to mess things up on a first date by attempting to kiss her now.

Like I said, I didn't care. Who cares if they pulled away or said, no....

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, I'm the same way. If they say no, who care, not the end of the world.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I've been burned in the past too many times by "coming on too strong", and id hate to ruin a good time, and something that maybe could have happened, by coming on too strong by trying to kiss the girl on the first date.

that's basically my mindset going into it.

 

[The Guard]

It's long been my understanding that if a first date goes well between adults (18 and over), a first kiss is pretty much expected, on both sides. If someone says something about taking things slow, moving too fast, etc. I think then you're supposed to ask if you can kiss them.

 

[Erzengel]

I've been burned in the past too many times by "coming on too strong", and id hate to ruin a good time, and something that maybe could have happened, by coming on too strong by trying to kiss the girl on the first date.

that's basically my mindset going into it.

Did the dates go well before? Or were they pretty much not into you? If a girl is sending all the right signals then you should be golden. But if the dates were more cordial and was there any flirtation?

 

[Dreadstar]

OK, so I had a bad day. I was texting fling girl and I was upset that I could not see her, so I used profanity to describe my anger, then I went off on something else that happened to me. She flipped out. Let me see if I can post what she said. We have not spoken since. She is going away for the weekend with her friend. THANK GOD!!!! I think we are DONE!

I don't like how she says people are "not privileged to the companies financial situation" at her work, thats why they call her a controlling female dog! well I can say she WAS NOT privileged to what a hard day I had in my life today. So I used profanity, BOO HOO! TAKE the good with the bad!!!!!! AND GROW THE HELL UP BABY!!!!!! AND YOU CANT SAY I WANT YOU TO SHARE BUT oh by the way I only want you to share the good not the bad! WHAT BS! TAKE ALL of it or none of it! Thats like a chick dressing provocative and crying foul when some dude she finds unattractive starts to look at her. YOU CANT pick and chose who looks at you in public if you dress for attention!!! You take whatever comes.

Thats what I got out of this. Correct me if I am wrong. AM I over reacting? is she? Did I go overboard? Even if I did, so what? It makes me human!

 

[Dreadstar]

Here it is. What do you make of this?

Who are you today? I understand that you are disappointed so WAS I * You went from one angry conversation to complaining about some girl. It is obvious to me that you don't listen or *it is irrelevant to you when I *tell you that I have a stressful job. 90 pecent of my calls and emails at work are from angry *people. This week has been worse than most. Most of the people I work with think I am a controlling ***** as they are not privileged to the companies financial situation * I don't want to have someone in my life that is angry, negative and describes his anger with profanity. Swearing all the time is not attractive. Of course I want you to share but I have had my limit of negativeness for the remainder of the week.*

 

[Anita18]

Here it is. What do you make of this?

Who are you today? I understand that you are disappointed so WAS I * You went from one angry conversation to complaining about some girl. It is obvious to me that you don't listen or *it is irrelevant to you when I *tell you that I have a stressful job. 90 pecent of my calls and emails at work are from angry *people. This week has been worse than most. Most of the people I work with think I am a controlling ***** as they are not privileged to the companies financial situation * I don't want to have someone in my life that is angry, negative and describes his anger with profanity. Swearing all the time is not attractive. Of course I want you to share but I have had my limit of negativeness for the remainder of the week.*

Are you sure you BOTH aren't in your teens?

That's what I make out of it.

She's allowed to vent, just as you're allowed to vent. (Although if one of you has a problem with cursing when the other cusses like a sailor, that might be a issue.) You just take turns. There's no use in getting into, "Well, my day was worse than yours so shut up!" whining contests, which is dumb.

My fiance has a fairly low social tolerance. EVERYTHING annoys him or offends him on some level. I joke that I'm the only person he can stand being around for more than half a day. He doesn't yell or get all dramatic, but you can tell when he's like that, it affects his actions, and IMO it's really unnecessary. But I don't tell him that he doesn't have a right to feel that way, or to just "stop it." I try to change his mind and introduce a little empathy or humor instead of getting offended at something.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Did the dates go well before? Or were they pretty much not into you? If a girl is sending all the right signals then you should be golden. But if the dates were more cordial and was there any flirtation?

From my perspective the dates went well. I don't feel like I've ever been on a bad date. The worst "date" I've ever been on was a movie date with a girl who said "don't call it a date", and she even left the movie early citing work. When I proceeded to then move on to other girls, she got jealous and upset with me. I ended up telling her "you're the one who said it wasn't a date. If you don't want me dating other girls then you need to step up and say that you want me. Im not going to just wait for you to make up your mind", to which she replied that I -was- supposed to wait around for her to figure out if she wanted more with me or not...

Anyways, tangent.

The dates that im talking about I felt went good. My first date in college was with a girl Lauren. We had a -great- time, one of the best dates I've ever been on. Had a great time at dinner, we seemed to have a lot of chemistry going. She was real adamant about wanting a second date, but she never followed through and I eventually just bounced.

Another one was with this other girl Holland. Again, great dinner, we had a nice romantic walk afterwards, everything seemed to be going well. When I tried to call her a few days later to set up a second date, she finally replied to me over Facebook saying she 1.) wasn't looking for a relationship and 2.) wasn't a fun time girl... I was kinda like wtf, and then whatever, on to the next one.

Then of course the date with my ex that went really well, and -did- lead to a relationship, we didn't kiss until our 3rd date.

And with Courtney, her and I never went on official dates, but when I finally did try to kiss her in a passionate moment where she gave me every signal imaginable, she turned away, and then later flipped out on me for being way too strong and making her feel uncomfortable by trying to kiss her.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'd have to suggest that either you're not particularly good at reading situations, or both of these girls were incredibly good at pretending so they didn't hurt you

Either way, while those dates may not have been unpleasant, they were not successful. They did not lead to the girl being interested in you.

So no, they didn't go well. Whether you thought so at the time or not.

But did you ever think maybe if you'd gone for the kiss at the end of the date, and that had been great... maybe then you'd have won enough interest for a second date?

As for Courtney... Well she's just a girl I don't understand. Like I said before, I think you did all the right things there, and she simply makes no sense to me

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah all those sounded like prime opportunities. I bet some would've even gone for more than kissing.

 

[Dreadstar]

Are you sure you BOTH aren't in your teens?

That's what I make out of it.

She's allowed to vent, just as you're allowed to vent. (Although if one of you has a problem with cursing when the other cusses like a sailor, that might be a issue.) You just take turns. There's no use in getting into, "Well, my day was worse than yours so shut up!" whining contests, which is dumb.

My fiance has a fairly low social tolerance. EVERYTHING annoys him or offends him on some level. I joke that I'm the only person he can stand being around for more than half a day. He doesn't yell or get all dramatic, but you can tell when he's like that, it affects his actions, and IMO it's really unnecessary. But I don't tell him that he doesn't have a right to feel that way, or to just "stop it." I try to change his mind and introduce a little empathy or humor instead of getting offended at something.

SO thats it? I vented, then she vented. I think I will wait for her to text me and see what happens. I though this was her break up message. Pretty pathetic to do it over a text.