Lord of the Advice: Return of the King of Relationships

[hopefuldreamer]

Oh no, oh no... I'm drunk in my local and my ex just walked in... And no matter how much I repeat 'he cheated on you with me' he just makes me feel... Sparks... We been playing pool, chatting, flirting.

Oh help me, I'm totally hopeless

 

[knowsbleed]

Offer to give him a BJ, take a picture of it and then post it on craigslist with his phone number with the ad reading

"For Sale to good owner. $20 OBO. Willing to provide maintenance report and ins and outs of how to work it"

 

[Erzengel]

I'm sure it'll be better when you are away from that town.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I haven't seen the guy in over a year. Which believe me, is a feat and a half in this town. But he NEVER comes out.

And here he is, and he's still the guy that makes me feel... Confused. Always confused.

Like literally, we're laughing, leaning in close... And my impulse is to kiss him! STILL!

What the hell is the matter with me!?

 

[Anita18]

Okay, this isn't specifically relationshipy, but I really don't know what to do here. I'm completely freaking out.

Been talking about and organising moving to the city for a while now, as some of you may know.

Went up to view a place on saturday. A room in a houseshare with 3 lovely girls. All very interesting jobs, and volunteer together at a domestic abuse hotline. Room is of a decent size and price. It's 2 minutes walk from my best friends new flat, and 20 mins walk to the nearest shopping centre and cinema.

Sounds great, right?

So why did I walk away from that feeling like I wanted to cry? Like the whole thing was massively wrong?

Well, i've figured out a couple of things in my head.

1. I really don't think I can live with other people right now - A few people suggested to me that it might be good to have housemates. It'd help me meet new people and give me a support system... but when I think about it, it just feels hellish. I'm a tired and sometimes depressed person about 50% of the time, and about 30% of that I pretend i'm not... but when I come home, I want to just be able to be that person. I don't want to have to fake smile and make effort to chat and be involved when I just want to go and lie down and shut the rest of the world out. I also don't want to feel like they are watching and judging how much effort i'm making to find a job. I really pick stuff like that up, and it stresses me out like crazy.

2. I didn't like the area of the city - When i've been, i've visited very different areas. But my best friends just bought this flat, and she tells me it's right by this road with all the cool bohemian places, arty shops, music venues etc. Which sounds fine, I can get on board with that.

And then I get there and it's covered in graffiti, closed down shops, rubbish in the streets etc. Just wasn't quite the way I pictured it

And on the other side of town there is this area that when I walk around it, it feels like home... and now I just feel sad, like that's where I want to be.

So it seems obvious what I should do, right?

Find a bedsit in this other area, and just explain to my friend. She'll understand, and i'm sure buses will be easy enough to figure out so I can see her just as much.

Unfortunately it looks like there pretty much are no bedsits in that area that I can afford ...

So here are my choices.

1. Live with other people and have no safe haven where I can shut off from the world, but at least be able to afford it reasonably.
2. Get a bedsit in an area that I don't like, but that is close to my best friend.
3. Wait and see if a place I can afford comes up in the area I like... and in the mean time run out of money and have to move back in with my mum for a bit...

Help me pick one!

I think option #1 will be hard especially if everyone is friends already and eat together. Unless they're extremely nonjudgmental and understand introverts. It's hard to say unless you meet them and tell them this. My fiance is an extreme introvert and he lived in a triplet dorm room the first year he was in college (three guys to a room, no privacy aside from a curtain around his bed), and had roommates all throughout college too. No idea how he handled it, but it had to be done so he sucked it up. He never apologized for his anti-socialness, but he also rarely apologizes for anything.

This is only a temporary thing, depending on how the lease is. If you have your own room, it will be manageable.

The other one is option #2, which I think is the step you should take at the very least. The most important thing is to get out of the place you're in now. For someone like my sister (who is a Type A overachiever and has no problem getting things done), my advice would be different, but for you, you need the momentum. You have to get out. If not now, it might be several more years until you finally get to it or when "the time is right." You're exactly like me in that manner. I said years ago that I wanted to move on, and I'm still in the same workplace. It's not bad, I love the people I work with, but it's getting stagnant. So getting married is part of that taking the next step, in love and in life. It's not about me being lazy about everything anymore.

Like I previously said, I don't like using the word soul mate as I feel it's just a word that people use to unnecessarily prop up an idealistic view.

Me too. I don't believe your SO (or anyone, for that matter) should be your "soul mate" since it implies that if something were to happen to the relationship or you or your partner, it's all downhill from there and you'll just die emotionally alone. I'm too much of an optimist to believe that there's one relationship you have that's be-all end-all.

 

[knowsbleed]

I haven't seen the guy in over a year. Which believe me, is a feat and a half in this town. But he NEVER comes out.

And here he is, and he's still the guy that makes me feel... Confused. Always confused.

Like literally, we're laughing, leaning in close... And my impulse is to kiss him! STILL!

What the hell is the matter with me!?

Put us on the phone with him... we'll fix this.

 

[terry78]

Put us on the phone with him... we'll fix this.

I will reluctantly give you some credit on that advice regarding the japanese chick. I said we'll keep it casual and I'll bug you sporadically, and she just called me earlier and left a voicemail asking when am I taking her out again.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Put us on the phone with him... we'll fix this.

I love you

 

[knowsbleed]

I will reluctantly give you some credit on that advice regarding the japanese chick. I said we'll keep it casual and I'll bug you sporadically, and she just called me earlier and left a voicemail asking when am I taking her out again.

I'm reluctantly accepting the credit. Why does everything need to be reluctant? I've said the word reluctant enough times in my head just now for it to stop making sense as a word... it's now just a group of sounds. Thanks.

I think you owe us all a pic of her. Show me yours and I'll show you mine.

I love you

I love you too. *hangs up*

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I love you too. *hangs up*

*redials*

Ring.

Ring.

Ring.

Answerphone...

I've now become that clingy chick...

 

[knowsbleed]

Clingy drunk chicks... ye are the salt of the earth.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, first of all, he's gone. I can calm down until tomorrow when he says he's coming out again (if he does).

Second of all, I forget how lucky I am sometimes.

I mean, I'm sat here with 15 friends who randomly showed up on a monday night, laughing our asses off. I am going to miss this, I admit. It's not consistent that life in this town is this fun, but when it is, it's awsome.

 

[Warhammer]

I will reluctantly give you some credit on that advice regarding the japanese chick. I said we'll keep it casual and I'll bug you sporadically, and she just called me earlier and left a voicemail asking when am I taking her out again.

Terry, come on now. Let's see some pictures.

 

[terry78]

Terry, come on now. Let's see some pictures.

When I'm sure she doesn't check this site and nobody will spread it around like a virus, I will.

 

[Warhammer]

When I'm sure she doesn't check this site and nobody will spread it around like a virus, I will.

Smart brotha.

 

[Lord Valumart]

So, a while back you guys might remember that I totally screwed up asking a girl at work out to the point where we were both pretending to be sharks. But anyhow, that's just background. We're going out tomorrow night after work for some food and some games of pool. She was claiming to be a big shot at pool so I challenged her. I mean I'm not counting it as a date of any kind, but if things go well then who knows.

There's been rumours going about work recently that we've already been going out and I haven't a bloody clue where they came from. People keep saying we're cute together so they probably just assumed.

 

[Alex Summers]

I'm recently single and I decided to try online dating. I realized that women get bombarded with messages and it's pretty difficult to get a response. Well, it's difficult for me to get a response at least.

Does anyone know any funny/original/unique messages I could use to get a conversation going? I know this sounds like a dumb question, but I've gotten kinda lonely.

 

[Erzengel]

Try to distinguish yourself from the rest of the people who are probably writing multiple women and just changing the "Dear _________". Find a few that you really think you can connect with, based on interests, and things they write about themselves. Then, when you write messages/e-mails to them, incorporate those things. Don't be like.

Hey,

You're hot. Holler back at me at Alex [email protected].

Alex.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Alex Summers is hurting for chicks these days? Thought he was still with Lorna?

Yeah, I agree. I never try to open saying the same thing unless perhaps there is some actual reason to. Even in conversation. I'll often try to spy something, like an article of clothing, some item, or something around them I can comment on.

 

[knowsbleed]

Use your strengths. If you are smart, speak intelligently. If you are funny, be funny. If you are a total geek, hide that ****.

 

[Anita18]

I'm recently single and I decided to try online dating. I realized that women get bombarded with messages and it's pretty difficult to get a response. Well, it's difficult for me to get a response at least.

Does anyone know any funny/original/unique messages I could use to get a conversation going? I know this sounds like a dumb question, but I've gotten kinda lonely.

Have some genuinely funny pics up on your profile. Not Jackass-stupid funny, but cute-funny. Girls fall over themselves for guys who are comfortable with that.

My coworker got a lot of responses regarding a picture he took on a ski trip. He had made an adorable tiny snowman and was grinning like t: next to it. It was totally not serious or manly, but women love that kind of thing.

Which is the same reason why guys with puppies or kittens are so attractive to women.

Also, READ THEIR PROFILE. I always deleted messages where it was clear the guy had not read my profile at all. I posted I didn't drink or go to bars or clubs, and always deleted the messages from guys who wrote that they loved going out to clubs. It's like, hello?! Writing something that had to do directly with my profile always got my attention.

And if the girl doesn't have anything interesting worth mentioning in your message to her, she's not gonna be very interesting in person anyway. Or she's getting by on her hotness and you'd have to be just as *****ey-hot to get with her anyway. Put up a fake picture of a model and meet in a pitch-black club or something, maybe you'll have a chance of hitting that.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, don't go talking about a bunch of bullsh**. No one wants to hear about Transformers versus Jedi Skrulls or some sh**...or do they?

 

[Alex Summers]

Have some genuinely funny pics up on your profile. Not Jackass-stupid funny, but cute-funny. Girls fall over themselves for guys who are comfortable with that.

My coworker got a lot of responses regarding a picture he took on a ski trip. He had made an adorable tiny snowman and was grinning like t: next to it. It was totally not serious or manly, but women love that kind of thing.

Which is the same reason why guys with puppies or kittens are so attractive to women.

Also, READ THEIR PROFILE. I always deleted messages where it was clear the guy had not read my profile at all. I posted I didn't drink or go to bars or clubs, and always deleted the messages from guys who wrote that they loved going out to clubs. It's like, hello?! Writing something that had to do directly with my profile always got my attention.

And if the girl doesn't have anything interesting worth mentioning in your message to her, she's not gonna be very interesting in person anyway. Or she's getting by on her hotness and you'd have to be just as *****ey-hot to get with her anyway. Put up a fake picture of a model and meet in a pitch-black club or something, maybe you'll have a chance of hitting that.

Was there a particular message that you received that you thought was really original or funny? I really appreciate you sharing this information with me, and would greatly appreciate anything you can provide. My ex-gf really messed with my head and my self-confidence is at zero right now.

 

[Schlosser85]

Ok, I just need to vent this:

So a new guy, Jeremy, started at K-Mart about a month ago. He and I had a little "moment", or whatever you want to call it, I discovered he was gay by a chance sighting on Grindr, and I tracked him down and friended him on Facebook. We started texting, he came over for movie night with me and my roommate, and we ended up making out a little on my bed.

Over the next few days, lots of texts exchanged, him saying he can't wait to see me again, wants to kiss me and cuddle with me, etc.

He is originally from New York state, and lives here (NE Ohio) with co-workers because his dad kicked him out for being gay. He has had 2 boyfriends, and his longest relationship lasted a month. Also, he seemed to get attached to me very fast (probably because of his loneliness).

The first thing about him that slightly annoyed me was how he had no vocal opinions of his own about anything. Anything was "whatever you wanna do". We ended up watching V for Vendetta because I saw he liked it on his Facebook, and my roommate and I both like it. The whole time he was just kind of blankly sitting there, and it's like "are you enjoying yourself, are you bored out of your mind, I have no idea". If I tried to ask about that or anything else, it was "I'm fine".

I don't want someone who's going to just follow me around like a little dog. My roommate saw how attached he was getting to me so fast, and cautioned me to take it very slow and be careful.

Well today I went to his house to hang out after work, and we ended up making out and cuddling for quite a while on his bed. He started getting on my nerves because he had a one track mind about getting my pants off, and wasn't good about taking hints to move on to another subject, especially since I'd already told him before I didn't want to have sex so fast.

Anyway...I really think I made a mistake initiating anything with him in the first place. I've been single for four years, and it hurts, and I wanted and tried to feel "it" with him....but I just don't think I do. I ended up making an excuse, saying I wanted soda, just to get off his bed and downstairs because I wasn't enjoying making out with him.
Downstairs, I told myself that I owed it to him at least to tell him this before this dragged on any longer, and told him that I just don't feel like I "click" with him. With my ex, who I am still close friends, and my roommate, and my ex roommate, I talk to them very easily. There's just a very easy, natural "flow" to our interactions...and I just don't feel that with him. I feel awkward and uncomfortable and like I don't know what to say. I can't have a conversation with him about what he likes or wants to do, because A) all he wants to do is take my pants off, and B) it's always "I'm fine" or "whatever you wanna watch", or something to that effect.

As always, when I asked if he was okay, all I got was a quiet, meek, inscrutable "I'm fine". I ended up just awkwardly leaving because I felt like such a *****ebag, and have since been trying to get him to stop asking what he did wrong, if it's because he's unattractive, etc., insisting it wasn't anything he did.

I have never been on the giving end of this situation before, and I feel probably lousier than I ever have in my life. Especially A) that his family kicked him out of his house for being gay and B) how many texts he sent saying how he couldn't wait to see me today, etc.

If I could go back in time, I would not have initiated conversation with him or friended him on Facebook in the first place, just to avoid this. I didn't do it on purpose, but I feel like I led him on.

Thoughts? Am I half as a big of a *****ebag as I feel like?

 

[enterthemadness]

I'm the last person that should offer advice, but clearly you have feelings for him still, Hopeful. At least in terms of that, ahem, bedroom feelings stuff. But he cheated on you, so don't give in. Flat out say you hurt my feelings. Or don't, I dunno. Most of my advice is from watching tv shows and movies, so I dunno.