The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[Schlosser85]

Same, sometimes I find a bruise and have no idea where it came from.

A bruise doesn't prove anything unless there are visible teeth marks or something.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, I agree I know a lot of women who just happen to get bruises because they just knocked into something not even that hard and develop a bruise.

And unless the girl is into a little s&m, not many girls like to get bitten that hard on the ass that it develops into a bruise.

 

[Anubis]

Or she got bit in the ass by some dude she was porkin' while you were away.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Do bite marks even look like bruises?

I've had some nasty bites on my arm from friends having a laugh when drunk and going a bit too hard... Always looks like a bite mark. Red, teeth impressions.

Might go a bit brusiy after a while, but still very distinctive.

A bruise the size of a bite mark? I mean, how do you even define that? You do a big wide bite, or a little bit and it'd be totally different sizes. Let alone the fact diff people have different size mouths.

Also, I too get a LOT of random bruises. All the time. So no, it's not a good indicator she's cheating.

Pretty good indicator you're paranoid and don't trust her though

 

[Anubis]

Maybe it wasn't a bite so much as it was a hickey.

That means some dude was suckin' on your girls butt cheek.

 

[Hound55]

I wonder at which point (ie, age) at which men decide uberhot is not worth the potential level of crazy.

Or maybe it's personality...

I don't understand the sentence...

 

[Anita18]

Maybe it wasn't a bite so much as it was a hickey.

That means some dude was suckin' on your girls butt cheek.

Must have been sucking pretty hard. Butts have A LOT more cushioning than necks do. Unless JStorm is dating an anorexic girl near death.

If I have my forensics straight, bite marks do look like bite marks. If you can't see impression of actual teeth, it will at least look a U shape. Unless she got REALLY chewed in one area.

IMO she bumped into something and just forgot about it.

 

[Anubis]

Why are you trying to spoil my fun?

 

[The Guard]

I bruise my butt and legs all the time by running into corners and such.

I'm not good with corners.

 

[SuperSoldier985]

Ugh.

It's tough finding girls when you're a Black guy, not overly attractive or confident, Agnostic, and don't play sports, in a predominately White, conservative, and Republican town...

 

[Anubis]

You mean you can't find some desperate white chick who wants to make daddy mad?

 

[SuperSoldier985]

You mean you can't find some desperate white chick who wants to make daddy mad?

Oh, das wasis

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Sorry for the marathon post, but I'm really confused about something

Do you think it's possible my ex (you know, the one who cheated on me with blokes) actually did love me?

It's really been a massive issue in me getting over it. The shock of finding out about what he was doing in secret, and is still doing, and still kind of in denial about - well it kind of made me look at our entire relationship as a lie.

Everything we used to do together, all the emotions he'd expressed, all the conversations and 'I love you's' and hugs and kisses and jokes about marriage...

I just felt like I was an idiot for believing it all. That I had fallen in love, so very hard, with a complete lie... The fact that I wasn't even capable of knowing the difference between a guy who does love me and a guy who's pretending he does... Well it made me think I should never let myself love like that again because love is something that only happens to me when I'm stupid or blind, and it makes me into a pathetic joke.

It was, and still is, completely devestating to me, that the one person I really 'gave in' to loving, who I really believed loved me too, didn't actually love me back... But just made me think he did. Just said all the right things to keep me on the hook.

Well the other night, one of the guys he slept with was at my house for a party, and we got to talking and he got really upset when I said I still wasn't really over it.

Anyway, the guy used my computer to send my ex a message on facebook.

This is weird, but he was very drunk, and he basically said to him 'I'll do anything you want me too if you just talk to Becky and tell her you were the one who initiated it, cause I need her to know it wasn't me'... I know, it's pathetic. Basically, they hook up occasionally (not that my ex will admit it) and he was offering him sex in exchange for talking to me.

The next day, I went to my computer and his FB was still logged in. And he'd got a reply.

And the reply basically said he couldn't do that, because it wasn't something he'd meant to happen. He insisted it was a mistake.

His exact words were 'I know my relationship with Becky wasn't the best, but I knew she loved me. And believe it or not, I loved her. Still do really. She just wanted me on a leash and I didn't want that kind of relationship.'

Then, about 2 hours later, another reply saying 'what do you mean by anything?' (Referencing what my friend had offered in exchange)...

So in just those messages, he's saying what happened with this guy was a mistake, and he loved me. And then basically trying to negotiate another sexual encounter with him!

I just really need some help figuring all this out, because really, it's been 3 years since it all came out, and I'm still not really over it.

I guess I probably won't be until someone comes along who actually DOES love me and proves it isn't always a lie.

But I tend to keep myself from committing or letting anyone develop emotions for me, because I don't TRUST love. I don't trust that I know it, that people mean it when they say it, or that it in any way means you can trust the person not to hurt you.

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

It seems to me as if this guy is seriously afraid of commitment. Also, his moral compass sounds way off if he is going to use this latest turn of events to get a free shag with another guy.
You just can't trust this man enough to be faithful to you in the long term, and him being bi-sexual doesn't help the situation, in my opinion.

It sounds like your head knows what the answer is, but as with so many things in life, it takes the emotional side of us much longer to catch up.

The problem with opening up to anyone else is that you always run the risk of getting hurt. The alternative often seems attractive, sure enough it often does to me. The crappiest thing is, sometimes they hurt you without even meaning to and when you dare to bring it to their attention, suddenly you are the one in the wrong for being upset in the first place.

I think, deep down, you know that this fellow is just not the one for you. Can you find someone else? Sure you can! You just have to be ready and want it.

 

[Erzengel]

Do you think it's possible my ex (you know, the one who cheated on me with blokes) actually did love me?

Well loving you and not cheating on you aren't always mutually exclusive.

I think your ex while gay still loves you not necessarily was "in love" with you. Maybe that's how he felt previously in the relationship.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It seems to me as if this guy is seriously afraid of commitment. Also, his moral compass sounds way off if he is going to use this latest turn of events to get a free shag with another guy.
You just can't trust this man enough to be faithful to you in the long term, and him being bi-sexual doesn't help the situation, in my opinion.

It sounds like your head knows what the answer is, but as with so many things in life, it takes the emotional side of us much longer to catch up.

The problem with opening up to anyone else is that you always run the risk of getting hurt. The alternative often seems attractive, sure enough it often does to me. The crappiest thing is, sometimes they hurt you without even meaning to and when you dare to bring it to their attention, suddenly you are the one in the wrong for being upset in the first place.

I think, deep down, you know that this fellow is just not the one for you. Can you find someone else? Sure you can! You just have to be ready and want it.

My head honsetly doesn't know what the answer is in terms of whether or not he had genuine feelings for me or if it was all a lie cause I was a convenient cover for his true sexuality.

Of course he isn't the one for me

I used to say to my friends that it was almost a divine intervention that it was MEN he cheated on me with.

Because we were so on/off, fire/oil in our relationship, but I just couldn't get over him. We kept ending up back together because there was just this intense passion and heavy emotion going on.

If it hadn't been for that, who knows how long it would have gone on for.

I mean, he was still trying to convince me he was in love with me and wanted to get back together on news years last year...

But for me, it was basically taking my choice out of the equation. There is absolutely no coming back from what he did, and no changing what he is, no matter how much he tries to pretend.

So it sort of provided a way out of this really destructive relationship. It killed it dead, no warning.

The only reason reading this message has spun me, is because he didn't know I'd read it. It wasn't for me.

I mean, I EXPECT him to tell ME he loved me, still does blah blah. He does it all the time.

I just don't know if his lies come from a dellusion so bad that he would actually claim to love me to everyone, or if he actually DID/DOES love me.

And it's not because I want to be with him or anything.

I guess it would just make me feel a lot better if I knew, 100%, that what I THOUGHT was love coming from him towards me... Actually was love, and not just a lie I fell for.

But I just don't know what to think.

Well loving you and not cheating on you aren't always mutually exclusive.

Not always no.

But when they cheated on you with three different guys?

When he told you his mum wouldn't allow you to stay over any more but his male mates could, always made it so that we never had the opportunity to have sex anymore, actually got aggresive when you pushed that area...?

Not to mention the details that these guys have gone into with me about what he was like with them...

Can't blame me for jumping to the 'yeah, he never actually loved me' conclusion...

I think your ex while gay still loves you not necessarily was "in love" with you. Maybe that's how he felt previously in the relationship.

I want to think so.

I mean, there was no hint of his sexuality in his previous relationships.

In fact, one of the reasons I was apprehensive about dating him to begin with is that I new his last two relationships were incredibly sexually active, and I was a virgin and told him he'd have to wait until I was ready.

And we didn't have sex until a year in, even after I'd decided I wanted too... Because he wanted to be sure HE was ready for the commitment that meant, cause he knew how seriously I took it.

So I really really want to believe that he was in love with me, and that it was just a horrible unfortunate thing that he had these underlying feelings about his sexuality that happened to surface when he was with me, and he didn't know how to handle it.

 

[Anubis]

Aw honey.

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe he was closeted and hoping the feelings would pass? I mean, of the people I've known, only 1% waited a year to get down.

 

[SpaceWay2009]

Well, thanks for your inputs! I appreciated it.

 

[The Guard]

If you're worried about whether he actually loved you while you were together...it's entirely possible he did. It's very possible to love someone but not be all that attracted to them. Or to be attracted to them, but more attracted to other people or a different sex.

 

[Anita18]

All I can really add is that sometimes guys don't know what they really want. And sometimes (most of the time, actually, and this goes for both guys and girls in similar predicaments), they can't bring themselves to be honest about their uncertainty and people get hurt as a result.

I'm really sorry you had to go thought that, hopefulsuicide. But nothing of that was your fault. It was his. HE was the one who was confused. It's not your job to find out if he's cheating. You can't go through a relationship always wondering if they're lying to you.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Aw honey.

Hug?

Maybe he was closeted and hoping the feelings would pass? I mean, of the people I've known, only 1% waited a year to get down.

Yeah, I was very different back then, but even I realised how odd it was to be in a relationship without sex at that age.

Being a 20 year old virgin was a big deal to me as well, I felt like a freak (most of my friends lost theirs at like 14/15). I just really didn't wanna give it up. It's this one really special moment, that you only get one chance with.

But it wasn't because I had sex itself on a pedestal. I just had the loss of virginity on a pedestal.

Hence me being fine with casual sex pretty much ever since, wherever it may arise (friend, fling, or the occasional one night stand).

If you're worried about whether he actually loved you while you were together...it's entirely possible he did. It's very possible to love someone but not be all that attracted to them. Or to be attracted to them, but more attracted to other people or a different sex.

Thanks. I think you're prob right.

All I can really add is that sometimes guys don't know what they really want. And sometimes (most of the time, actually, and this goes for both guys and girls in similar predicaments), they can't bring themselves to be honest about their uncertainty and people get hurt as a result.

I'm really sorry you had to go thought that, hopefulsuicide. But nothing of that was your fault. It was his. HE was the one who was confused. It's not your job to find out if he's cheating. You can't go through a relationship always wondering if they're lying to you.

Thanks Anita

I know it was his fault in the obvious sense.

But I learned a lot, not just about being careful who to trust, but about recognising when I'm being blind because I want to, because I'm in love.

I just wanna always keep my eyes open, and there were times in that relationship where I practically squeezed them shut, stuck my fingers in my eyes and shouted lalalalala... Just because I didn't wanna loose him.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Short and skinny.
I was out of town for a week. Came home and found a bruise, the size of a bite mark, on my girls ass.

She says she has no clue where it came from. I told her any rational person would remember a bruise that size.

I feel like I got cheated on.

Thoughts?

My fiancee and I gave our dog a bath last week and now she has a huge bruise where the dog clawed her to try a get out of the bath. Bruises can from anywhere, unless there are other she exhibiting other suspicious behavior I wouldn't worry about it.

His exact words were 'I know my relationship with Becky wasn't the best, but I knew she loved me. And believe it or not, I loved her. Still do really. She just wanted me on a leash and I didn't want that kind of relationship.'

Then, about 2 hours later, another reply saying 'what do you mean by anything?' (Referencing what my friend had offered in exchange)...

So in just those messages, he's saying what happened with this guy was a mistake, and he loved me. And then basically trying to negotiate another sexual encounter with him!

I just really need some help figuring all this out, because really, it's been 3 years since it all came out, and I'm still not really over it.

He may still love you as a friend, just not as a romantic partner.

 

[SpideyVille]

So can grabbing a slice of pizza after a Final count as a date?

 

[WillardNation]

Did you specifically ask her out to said slice of pizza? If you were both hungry after said Final count (not sure what that is, exactly) and just happened to go get pizza, I would say no. Although it also depends on the content of said pizza eating outing. Was there flirtation? Physicality? Giggling?

If you both just sat there, eating pizza and making boring small talk, I'm gonna go with no. If there was the aforementioned actions, I would say quite possibly.