The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[hopefuldreamer]

That's probably very true, and people do tend to 'settle' just because there isn't a lot of other options

But I think some people just get so addicted/dependant on another person, that it's hard to give that person up even if the relationship is broken or bad for you.

I like to think I'd be strong enough to break up with someone if they cheated on me. I really really hope I will be.

But I can understand how difficult it is when all you want is to let that person hold you again. Because you love them, and want to believe them when they so how sorry they are and what a mistake it was.

I guess I just wondered if anyone had any stories of couples who did have an 'incident', but who moved past it and ended up happily married or something.

I mean, is it possible?

 

[Erzengel]

Well, I've always say the 3 staples of a successful relationship, is intimacy cough: Nell), trust and communication. Cheating pretty much punches all 3 of those in the uterus.

There are probably examples, maybe if he or she cheated on you when you were 16 and you started dating again years later?

I know some people are financially connected with people which would make it harder to leave and of course being married and with children, I can see as well.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well, I've always say the 3 staples of a successful relationship, is intimacy cough: Nell), trust and communication. Cheating pretty much punches all 3 of those in the uterus.

There are probably examples, maybe if he or she cheated on you when you were 16 and you started dating again years later?

I know some people are financially connected with people which would make it harder to leave and of course being married and with children, I can see as well.

I think insecurity or a lack of confidence can also make someone feel like if they left that person, they'd be without anyone, forever, or at least for an unbearable amount of time. For me I see options everywhere, and honestly it's hard to find casual circumstances where I won't talk to a girl. I think if you're very shy, removed, or not a social butterfly, you'd rather settle on what you have than face the anxiety of dealing with new people.

I have two friends who had very long term relationships. One I saw start and end, one I only saw end. They aren't similar in personality, but due to the fact that the one relationship they had consumed much of their adult lives (and I think they lost their virginity in both respectively) they simply never learned to talk to women and seem very intimidated by them.

Many women I meet I'll be dating before I even know barely anything about them at all. I can meet people quickly. While I don't think that's a skill per say, it's definitely something that if you lack experience you won't understand.

 

[The Guard]

Do you think it's possible for a relationship to be successful again after someone has cheated?

Speaking as both a cheater and a cheatee...

Yes.

It absolutely is possible. If the two parties involved care about each other, and can forgive one another for their flaws, and want to work through any issues they have, it can work. It's not always going to work out, but it's not always going to fail either.

Leaving once someone cheats can prevent any future pain, but so can giving that person another chance.

I don't believe that just because intimacy, trust and communication are mishandled or broken that they cannot be fixed. But then, I'm not a very black and white person. Many people are, and don't care about why cheating happened. They just care that it happened, and view it as the worst betrayal imagineable. And the sad truth is, there are many people out there who don't want to work on relationships. They want it to be easy, and the second it stops being easy, they give up.

 

[Erzengel]

And the sad truth is, there are many people out there who don't want to work on relationships. They want it to be easy, and the second it stops being easy, they give up.

Not sure if you mean, that people give up easily when someone cheats OR if people cheat because they don't want to work on their relationship.

 

[Godzilla2000]

*sigh* I just give up...I just can't seem to find anyone that's okay with my introverted nature. Everything that has made me happy over the years and I consider entertainment is being criticized within an inch of its life and not tolerated at all. I guess the guy I thought would be totally understanding and okay with the way I was just wasn't what I expected he'd be after all. I just don't feel like he's been speaking up for me, defending who I am and what makes me happy with other people. I just don't know what to say to get people to accept me as is outside and inside. *sigh*

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

*sigh* I just give up...I just can't seem to find anyone that's okay with my introverted nature. Everything that has made me happy over the years and I consider entertainment is being criticized within an inch of its life and not tolerated at all. I guess the guy I thought would be totally understanding and okay with the way I was just wasn't what I expected he'd be after all. I just don't know what to say to get people to accept me as is outside and inside. *sigh*

I didn't even read this. No one cares.

 

[Erzengel]

*sigh* I just give up...I just can't seem to find anyone that's okay with my introverted nature. Everything that has made me happy over the years and I consider entertainment is being criticized within an inch of its life and not tolerated at all. I guess the guy I thought would be totally understanding and okay with the way I was just wasn't what I expected he'd be after all. I just don't feel like he's been speaking up for me, defending who I am and what makes me happy with other people. I just don't know what to say to get people to accept me as is outside and inside. *sigh*

What HAS he done to show you he was even interested?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Many people are, and don't care about why cheating happened. They just care that it happened, and view it as the worst betrayal imagineable. And the sad truth is, there are many people out there who don't want to work on relationships. They want it to be easy, and the second it stops being easy, they give up.

I think whether you can work on it depends on a lot of things.

1. Where they drunk or sober?
2. Did they tell you or did you find out?
3. Have they sincerely apologised, or tried to blame other people?
4. Was it with a stranger or someone you know?
5. Was it in your home, or somewhere else?

Etc

So for example, if they cheated on you stone cold sober, with your friend, in your bed; lied about it and later tried to blame it on your friend, and refused to apologise - I don't think you forgive that (happened to me).

But if they were madly drunk and hooked up with some stranger at a party after you'd had a big fight, and told you about it soon after begging for your forgiveness and genuinely seeming disgraced with themselves... Then maybe you forgive. Thought I personally have a rule of only once.

 

[Anita18]

*sigh* I just give up...I just can't seem to find anyone that's okay with my introverted nature. Everything that has made me happy over the years and I consider entertainment is being criticized within an inch of its life and not tolerated at all. I guess the guy I thought would be totally understanding and okay with the way I was just wasn't what I expected he'd be after all. I just don't feel like he's been speaking up for me, defending who I am and what makes me happy with other people. I just don't know what to say to get people to accept me as is outside and inside. *sigh*

How's this idea - friendship (read:acceptance) with a guy first, and THEN getting emotionally caught up with him.

If I can find a responsible, extreme introvert in friggin LOS ANGELES, I'm sure you could find one in upstate NY.

 

[Anita18]

I think whether you can work on it depends on a lot of things.

1. Where they drunk or sober?
2. Did they tell you or did you find out?
3. Have they sincerely apologised, or tried to blame other people?
4. Was it with a stranger or someone you know?
5. Was it in your home, or somewhere else?

Etc

So for example, if they cheated on you stone cold sober, with your friend, in your bed; lied about it and later tried to blame it on your friend, and refused to apologise - I don't think you forgive that (happened to me).

But if they were madly drunk and hooked up with some stranger at a party after you'd had a big fight, and told you about it soon after begging for your forgiveness and genuinely seeming disgraced with themselves... Then maybe you forgive. Thought I personally have a rule of only once.

I agree with this. Forgiveness really does depend on the behavior of your partner.

 

[Frodo]

Well I've found my self in a really complicated situation as usual. My taken friend expressed pretty strong feelings for me...and I don't feel the same way. What's worse is that our mutual friends want us to be together and thus have been on my case about saving her from her bad relationship. All my friends know that I run around with a lot a women yet they somehow believe I'm that I'm the right guy for her. Of course the whole thing is complicated by the fact that there's another guy who's wanted her for a while and hates my guts. The whole thing is a mess .

 

[Erzengel]

Just tell her and your friends that you aren't looking to be in a relationship right now, or dress it up nicer so no ones feelings get hurt. Or just tell them you're looking to join the Rebellion. Or in your case the Fellowship.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I've been injured and have been bedridden for a week now. I'm in a lot of pain, and my mother and stepfather are at work most of the day, so it's just me and the dog almost all day long. Therefore it's easy to assume one would get lonely. Well, my boyfriend hasn't come to visit me since I've been bedridden. Not once. He's texted and called to check on me, but hasn't come to visit. I feel like he doesn't want to see me. He keeps making excuses, like it's too far of a walk, it's too hot outside, whatever. Granted his bicycle is broken, it's 1.8 miles between our houses and it's been really hot lately, but it's not like he couldn't ask a friend or relative for a ride or call a taxi. He told me Sunday that he would visit Monday after work, but then he called me right when he was done with work to tell me he wasn't coming. And then I found out he stayed up half the night drinking with a friend that night.

 

[Erzengel]

Are you insinuating that he should come over? Or are you flat out saying, hey why don't you come over?

Lastly, I don't remember have you guys done it yet?

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Are you insinuating that he should come over? Or are you flat out saying, hey why don't you come over?

Lastly, I don't remember have you guys done it yet?

I've said I'd like to see him. Don't know if that's clear enough, but it is what it is.

And I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

 

[Anita18]

I've said I'd like to see him. Don't know if that's clear enough, but it is what it is.

And I will neither confirm nor deny those allegations.

Some guys will not understand anything less than, "I'm really upset you haven't come to see me. It makes me feel like I'm not important to you at all."

Don't be afraid to be more direct about what you want. Some guys really ARE that emotionally clueless and really don't know what to do around people who are sick or in pain. They get uncomfortable with the idea. Maybe that's why he hasn't been by to see you, because he doesn't want to see you in pain. Kind of selfish, but in my experience, much more women than men are willing to stand by and help out a sick/injured loved one despite not knowing exactly what to do.

Doesn't mean that he doesn't care about you. (Granted, I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt here!) But he definitely needs a shove in the direction you want him to go, instead of being wishy washy on the whole matter.

 

[Erzengel]

Angel, remember this. Most guys aren't mind readers.

 

[Anita18]

Angel, remember this. Most guys aren't mind readers.

And most guys won't lift a finger to do something you hoped they'd do (even if you hinted), unless you TELL THEM forcefully and directly. My mom reminded me about this since I'm in the middle of wedding planning.

At the same time, I believe in the "I'm really set on something, but if you don't like it, suggest an alternative. If you don't have one, suck it up" adage.

 

[SpideyVille]

What is the best honest way to say no to someone when they ask you out? I gave a girl a simple "No" and some of my friends were acting like that was too harsh, but I feel like that's better than making up some excuse or something and lying to her.

 

[Erzengel]

Well you're pretty much saying, "I'm not attracted to you so I'm just going to step on your proposal right in front of you." I know a lot of guys, especially on here, want women to be that direct instead of "jerking them around". Of course these guys are not capable of just seeing what's not stated.

Why do you think women say, "Oh that's so sweet." or "I have a boyfriend." "I'm not ready for a relationship." It's to not be a total d' to someone.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well you're pretty much saying, "I'm not attracted to you so I'm just going to step on your proposal right in front of you." I know a lot of guys, especially on here, want women to be that direct instead of "jerking them around". Of course these guys are not capable of just seeing what's not stated.

Why do you think women say, "Oh that's so sweet." or "I have a boyfriend." "I'm not ready for a relationship." It's to not be a total d' to someone.

Well it has more to do with the action that follows the words, not the words themselves.

 

[Erzengel]

It's more of someone saying no without having to actually say no.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

Angel, remember this. Most guys aren't mind readers.

And most guys won't lift a finger to do something you hoped they'd do (even if you hinted), unless you TELL THEM forcefully and directly. My mom reminded me about this since I'm in the middle of wedding planning.

At the same time, I believe in the "I'm really set on something, but if you don't like it, suggest an alternative. If you don't have one, suck it up" adage.

I know he's not a mind reader, but I've expressed that I want him to come see me. And shouldn't it be a given that someone would want the comfort of seeing their significant other when they're stuck in bed injured?

 

[Erzengel]

I'm "related" to a guy who pretty much told someone, I don't know things, you are going to need to tell me things.