World X-MEN: Safe Haven for Those Who Demand More

[Herr Logan]

Thats also why i planned a scene where Nightcrawler sneaks into strykers base. It's a combination of Mystiques scene at alkali lake in X2, and the beginning scene with Nightcrawler in the white house

Sweet idea.

The coolest scene in 'X-Men 2' was Nightcrawler's, and it sucked that it wasn't "really" Nightcrawler doing that stuff. He's not supposed to be a puppet, he's supposed to be a real character. I like the idea of him pulling off a mission like that when he's actually in control of himself.

Would your Nightcrawler be the fun-loving pirate wannabe or the broody, ultra-religious wet blanket version?

 

[Jakomus]

Additional Rule :

• Please do not include concepts based on Marvel's Ultimate Universe that differ greatly from the real Marvel Universe (616). I realize this is largely subjective, so I'll have to shoulder the terrible burden of deciding what is "faithful enough;" I'll try not to be capricious about it.*

*That last rule was added on 6/03/06, so contributors who began sharing concepts that are overall strongly based on the Ultimate Universe prior to that may continue to further develop them (example: The Question proposed a movie for 'The Ultimates' on 6/02/06, so that, as a movie or a multi-film franchise, gets a free pass forevermore). Other posters should not start posting that type of material, or rather they should be aware that I will address it and judge the content acceptable or unacceptable. Thanks for bearing with me.

I don't think that's very fair, at all.

 

[The Batman]

Sweet idea.

The coolest scene in 'X-Men 2' was Nightcrawler's, and it sucked that it wasn't "really" Nightcrawler doing that stuff. He's not supposed to be a puppet, he's supposed to be a real character. I like the idea of him pulling off a mission like that when he's actually in control of himself.

Would your Nightcrawler be the fun-loving pirate wannabe or the broody, ultra-religious wet blanket version?

Fun loving, despite the situation. He talks about his religion, buts that's not all he is. Like Bobby, he too tries to lighten the mood, which the others find odd since he was being chased by a mob in germany.

I always liked the earlier nightcrawler. then he got too religious, and lost what was nice about the character.

 

[The Batman]

Okay, I re-read the first movie concept.

Props for taking the big, climactic battle out to Asteroid M, by the way.

I'm not crazy about Deadpool being presented in his "Ultimate" incarnation (or anything else too heavily influenced by Ultimate titles), but since you stated in your first movie concept that several characters were largely based on Ultimate characterizations and this was long before the new proviso I posted, it's fine.
I like that you're keeping William Stryker as a zealous preacher, and having him kill his wife and child in the beginning is a nice touch.

I don't really have any suggestions, but a few questions to fill in some blanks, if that's okay:

Would Magneto or any of his Brotherhood make appearances in the sequel? Does anyone outside of the X-Men and Stryker's people know that Stryker is behind the world-wide psychic attacks on mutants?

Would the Morlocks have any significant story before the Marauders start slaughtering them, or does that just take place afterward? Either way is fine, I guess, I'm just wondering how the Morlocks are introduced. Do they meet the X-Men before the Marauders attack them?

Is there a build-up for Storm's brutal change of tactics, or is her stabbing Callisto mainly a reaction to witnessing the Massacre (on top of Callisto picking a fight with her in the first place of course)? Are there further changes afterwards, such as cutting her hair into a mohawk and dressing more like Callisto (whether intentionally or not)?



Interesting stuff. Thanks much for posting.

With Storm, its more like a matter of, "I've gotta do this, or we may NEVER get out of here". The situation is intense. Mutants are dead, and more may die, and they're down in the sewers wasting time. It's not much of a buildup. I should've put that as one of the character developments.

As for the morlocks....The X-Men dont meet them before the slaughter, but they know of them, thats why they go down into the sewers after confronting Stryker. Stryker mentions them in one of his speeches, something like "And there are mutants....down in the sewers, like disgusting monsters, waiting to kidnap you and your kin!" But, we dont learn more about them until after the slaughter, with Callisto.

One of the reasons i wanted to revise my story was because i want magneto in. He was in the original story too, I believe. And no one but the X-Men and Stryker know what Strykers planning. The public just think they;re supporting a religious crusade.

Also, I had no idea until i read up more on the mauraders that Deadpool was in charge of the Ultimate version. Havent read the Ult. Books in a while. I dont use too much of the ultimate books in the movies, just story plots and a little of the characterization. Even then, its largely the 616 version.

 

[Herr Logan]

I don't think that's very fair, at all.

That is a valid way of looking at it, and I appreciate you telling me that. Let me try to explain why I put that there.

The way I see it, 'Ultimate X-Men' and the other Ultimate titles are part of what I and many others perceive as a problem with current and recent Marvel products as a whole. The Ultimate phenomenon went into effect after the first X-Men movie, but both sequels, as well as the Spider-Man films and the Fantastic Four film, were all heavily influenced by the Ultimate universe. It's one more excuse for anti-source material viewers (people who'd prefer the movies weren't as faithful as they could be) to defend these movies by saying "It's based on the Ultimate version," as if that somehow justified significant deviations from the original source material (I've seen this happen countless times). As far as I'm concerned, Ultimate comics are "adaptations" as much as the movies are, so I don't consider it to be original source material. Now that several Ultimate franchises have been established (for Spider-Man, X-Men, Fantastic Four, Avengers, etc.), it's become a self-feeding cycle of revisionism that has even affected real Marvel continuity (616 universe), not just new, other-media adaptations. Brian Michael Bendis, for example, wrote 616 Spider-Man very much like he wrote Ultimate Spider-Man, and that's simply not okay. The real Wolverine has been drawn as taller and even with a goatee a few times since 'Ultimate X-Men' has been out, and that's just tacky as hell and indicative of the superficiality of Marvel's assumptions about the fans. Costumes for 616 characters have evolved more toward Ultimate costumes. In both 'X-Men Legends' video games, the default appearances are straight from 'Ultimate X-Men,' so even if the gameplay was above average, I'd still have to look at ugly-ass, revisionist costumes designed for an audience that is ashamed of being seen as fans of colorfully costumed superheroes. They made it so you could wear real X-Men costumes earlier on in the second game, but all the way through the first one, I was very irritated by the fact that they tried mixing several different continuities (616 comics, Ultimate comics and the movies) as if they were all the same or had equal value. I realize that's a very marginal example, but it represents a mindset that has affected all Marvel entertainment products.

So that's where I'm coming from. I want to see movies and TV shows and video games that are based on the real Marvel Universe (or at least see people imagine such things), not this post-MTV generation nonsense that's corrupting its own inspiration. I made these threads primarily for people who want the same. I didn't make a specific point of asking that people stick to the 616 universe before, so I'm not going to tell people who started contributing before I added that in that they have to keep ideas that reflect the Ultimate universe out of the Safe Havens, but I'd prefer it if new franchise or stand-alone ideas didn't take a lot from the Ultimate comics.

I'm not trying to be a tyrant with this (I used other people's threads for that... heh heh), which is why I didn't tell The Question or The Batman to junk their ideas or post them elsewhere; I'm just trying to preserve the philosophy of these threads and not be a hypocrite. If I start treating the Ultimate universe as if it was real Marvel history, I basically become a fraud, or a fair-weather fan of the true source material. I hope that makes some sense.

 

[Herr Logan]

With Storm, its more like a matter of, "I've gotta do this, or we may NEVER get out of here". The situation is intense. Mutants are dead, and more may die, and they're down in the sewers wasting time. It's not much of a buildup. I should've put that as one of the character developments.

As for the morlocks....The X-Men dont meet them before the slaughter, but they know of them, thats why they go down into the sewers after confronting Stryker. Stryker mentions them in one of his speeches, something like "And there are mutants....down in the sewers, like disgusting monsters, waiting to kidnap you and your kin!" But, we dont learn more about them until after the slaughter, with Callisto.

One of the reasons i wanted to revise my story was because i want magneto in. He was in the original story too, I believe. And no one but the X-Men and Stryker know what Strykers planning. The public just think they;re supporting a religious crusade.

Also, I had no idea until i read up more on the mauraders that Deadpool was in charge of the Ultimate version. Havent read the Ult. Books in a while. I dont use too much of the ultimate books in the movies, just story plots and a little of the characterization. Even then, its largely the 616 version.

Ah, okay. Thanks.

 

[Herr Logan]

This is an attempt at a treatment for my first X-Men movie concept:


The UNCANNY X-MEN


"Twenty Years Ago"

The opening scene is in Cairo, Egypt, where we see a tall man in kacky clothing and one of those "expedition" hats walking on a road lined with street vendors and small cafes. When the camera closes in on him, we can basically that he's bald, despite the hat, and that's what tips us off that it's Charles Francis Xavier.

While casually making his way down the street, a very young girl with dark skin, blue eyes and silver hair deftly takes his wallet out of his back pocket. Xavier stops a second later, aware of the stealthy girl's presence without having physically felt her steal his wallet. He turns around and sees her running off, cracks bemused smile and starts chasing her. The girl runs through alleyways and backstreets, trying to lose her pursuer. She runs into a cafe, thinking that she lost Xavier, and walks toward a table in the back where a stocky man with a fez and an unkind smile sits. This man is Amahl Farouk. She pulls out the wallet, about to hand it to Farouk, but Xavier appears suddenly behind her and snatches it. Xavier can be sneaky, too, see?

The girl looks scared, and Xavier gives her a scolding look for a moment, but he then smiles slightly and hands her a small amount of money. Amahl Farouk looks amused and interested in Xavier. A few nasty-looking men enter the backroom and place handfuls of money in a wicker basket sitting near Farouk. Xavier eyes Farouk warily, sensing something very, very wrong about him. Farouk has a sinister grin through most of this scene.
​

*Anything else that could indicate that Farouk is a local crime lord in a very short amount of time happens or is shown.*

FAROUK: I'm impressed. Not many tourists actually catch Ororo.
​

Xavier sits down across from Farouk.

XAVIER: Not many people make children commit petty crimes."
​

FAROUK: Is that how things are done in America, then, Mr. Xavier, or are you simply too naive to see the world for what it truly is?
​

XAVIER: How do you know my name?"
​

Farouk speaks to Xavier without using his mouth, putting words directly into his mind.

FAROUK: I have certain... unique talents, much like yourself.
​

XAVIER (telepathically): You're the man all these people fear? The great Amahl Farouk, the so-called "Shadow King?"
​

FAROUK: I am the 'King of Shadows, yes. It is a rare treat to meet another psi-talent.
​

XAVIER: I'm afraid I can't say the same.
​

Little Ororo is still standing next to Farouk, and she watches Xavier with much fear as he defies the crime lord; fear for Xavier's safety.

FAROUK: Did you come all this way to challenge me, Xavier?
​

XAVIER: Not at all. I'm here on vacation. However, after what I've seen and heard in this city, I can't stand by, idle, while a corrupt psychic hold defenseless humans in terror and turns innocent children into theives.
​

FAROUK: I'm sorry to hear that.
​

Farouk nods ever so slightly towards Xavier. Ororo has a look of panic on her face, but remains silent.
Immediately, the nasty-looking men come back into the room and draw guns. Xavier's head quickly turns toward them and they instantly fall to the ground, unconscious.
Farouk leans forward over the table, as does Xavier across from, and the world drops away around them, fading into a fantastic landscape of irridescent light and abstract figures. I hear the Astral Plane is nice this time o' year!

Both men look like they are glowing under a blacklight. Farouk is now a tall, muscular, inhuman figure with glowing red eyes and old-fashion armor, holding a long scythe with a half-serrated blade. Xavier looks pretty much the same, as he has never been to the Astral Plane with an enemy attacking him. However, as always, he's a quick study. He concentrates and quickly forms body armor and a broadsword. The two entities battle each other, the Farouk taking the offense and the less experienced Xavier trying to avoid being psi-killed. After a little while, Xavier finds it in him to open up a can of psychic whoop-ass, putting Farouk on the defensive, knocking him back a good distance. Farouk gets his rage on and starts charging. Xavier points his sword at Farouk and fires a bright power-beam at him, knocking him on the ground. He then creates a strong cage around his fallen foe and closes his eyes. The camera closes in on Xavier's face and the glowing Astral form turns back into flesh and blood. When he opens his eyes, he's sitting at the table in the backroom of the cafe. Across the table from him, Amahl Farouk is slumped in his chair with his mouth slightly open. He is catatonic. Xavier himself is quite shaken by all this, maintaining a look of horror on his face. This is his first encounter with a mutant supervillain, and he does not take it lightly. Still in a daze, staring off somewhere, he gets up and walks towards the exit of the cafe. The cafe is now completely empty. Ororo is shocked and confused about what just happened and watches Xavier walk away. He stops just short of the exit, takes the money he has in his wallet and holds it out for her, still looking dazed. Cautiously, she takes the money and watches as he leaves. Keep in mind that this looks in text like it takes longer on film than it actually does. It should take no more than ten minutes altogether, if even that.

Cue the intro sequence!
The theme music is a refined, more cinematic version of the theme song from the X-Men animated series from the 1990's. During this, the Uncanny X-Men logo from the 90's will appear on the screen, in all its cartoony glory, and God-willing, we'd get some painted images of the original X-Men team, while the front credits appear and disappear in sudden flashes.
The theme music will come up in various parts of the movie, often during action scenes, just like in the cartoon. The theme will play again when the credits role, followed up with the song "Everyday People" (because the movie is about fighting prejudice, people, among other things!). I don't remember what the Sly and the Family Stone version sounds like, so my first choice is that cool version done by Joan Jett and the Blackhearts, but that's not a mandate or anything. Anyway, on to the story. By the way, most of this is subject to change, and suggestions and comments would be appreciated.


More later. Comments, damn you!!

 

[Herr Logan]

UNCANNY X-MEN (continued)


Today

Charles Xavier, now about two decades older and confined to a wheelchair, addresses what happened the teaser scene as if he had been telling this story to someone.

XAVIER: That was the first time I encountered a human-mutation who used his power for personal gain at the expense of people who couldn't fight back. That was when I decided that humanity needed protection from such beings. This is why I have been seeking mutants who might be willing to stand between superhuman criminals and innocent people.
​

Xavier has been talking to Fred Duncan, an agent of the FBI who is assigned to a sub-division that investigates and intervenes in situations involving unknown threats, such as superhuman phenomena. This small department is sort of like the X-Files.

DUNCAN: The population you classify as 'innocent people' includes a lot of scared, intolerant humans who don't welcome the idea of super-powered individuals living among them, much less protecting them. You've seen the news, Charles. There have been numerous acts of violence against people accused of being mutants, whether the accusations were true or not. Maybe these mutants you seek would be better off keeping their powers secret instead of crusading against "supervillains."
​

XAVIER: All that is needed for evil to prevail is the inaction of good men and women. Hiding their identities is a personal choice; to possess power and not use it for the benefit of others is as much a disservice to onself as to the world at large. Young mutants who are confused, frightened and persecuted require guidance and purpose, or else they may easily become dangerous.
​

DUNCAN: Do you really expect adolescents to protect a world that hates and fears them?"
​

XAVIER: You can say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one.
​

DUNCAN: I never was a Beatles fan.
​

Xavier frowns slightly.

DUNCAN: I've got something you might be interested in. There's a boy in Nebraska we've been keeping tabs on..."


​

More later!

 

[kame-sennin]

Nice work Herr, I like that you're really starting from the beginning with this X-film

 

[Herr Logan]

Nice work Herr, I like that you're really starting from the beginning with this X-film

Thank ye, kindly.

 

[Herr Logan]

I want to apologize to The Batman for not posting much in the way of comments on his X-Men movies concepts. It's probably because they resemble the actual movies a little too much for my personal tastes, and I usually don't know how to offer ideas or constructive comments in that kind of scenario. I'm not saying they're bad ideas, I'm saying I've got a kind of tunnel vision when it comes to the X-Men movies (and some other franchise concepts). That's nobody's fault except for possibly mine (I don't know how to fix it, and I didn't choose it, so I don't know if it counts as a "fault" or not).

Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there.

 

[The Batman]

I want to apologize to The Batman for not posting much in the way of comments on his X-Men movies concepts. It's probably because they resemble the actual movies a little too much for my personal tastes, and I usually don't know how to offer ideas or constructive comments in that kind of scenario. I'm not saying they're bad ideas, I'm saying I've got a kind of tunnel vision when it comes to the X-Men movies (and some other franchise concepts). That's nobody's fault except for possibly mine (I don't know how to fix it, and I didn't choose it, so I don't know if it counts as a "fault" or not).

Anyway, just thought I'd put that out there.

Its ok. My ideas are more like what if the movies actually tried to be faithful to the comics

 

[Herr Logan]

Its ok. My ideas are more like what if the movies actually tried to be faithful to the comics

That's cool. I respect that.

 

[Herr Logan]

UNCANNY X-MEN (continued)

Cyclops origin/recruitment scene:

Scott Summers, age 17 is walking hurriedly and nervously through the streets of Omaha, Nebraska (or a neighboring town). He tries not to draw any attention to himself, but he does look suspicious because of his manner. He comes to a corner and waits for the traffic signal to turn from red to green and for traffic to stop flowing in his path. Right when the light changes, his eyes seem to explode and fire two crimson beams of force up into the air. In the block in front of him, on the other side of the street he was waiting to cross, there is a construction sight, with a crane slowly swinging a large, tethered "I"-beam. One of the energy blasts severs the cable holding the I-Beam, causing the beam to fall. Directly below it is a construction worker who is now about to be crushed by the falling beam. Horrified and panicked at what just happened, Scott watches the falling beam, time seeming to slow down for him (there's actually a slow-motion effect here). He concentrates and squints, releasing another pair of energy blasts at the last second that fire directly at the falling I-beam. The blasts connect and knock it way off-course, causing it to crash into other construction equipment, barely missing other crew members. No one is hurt, but everyone is shocked, including Scott. He runs away and people start shouting.
Some time later, Scott is in a bus station, waiting for a bus top start allowing passengers aboard. He is keeping his eyes closed and his hand in front of his face every moment he doesn't truly need to see where he's going. Professor Charles Xavier approaches him from behind in his powered wheelchair, unintentionally startling him.

XAVIER: Where are you headed, Scott?
​

Scott jerks and turns around, still trying to block his eyes and facing the floor in between him and Xavier.

SCOTT: I'm not going back there, and if you want to stay healthy, you'll stay away from me.
​

XAVIER: I'm not from social services, Scott, Xavier replies. "I'm a doctor, here to help you.
​

SCOTT: You got a cure for death rays??
​

XAVIER: Your eyes. Do they hurt?
​

SCOTT: Yeah... a lot. My head hurts, too.
​

XAVIER: That's what I'm here to help you with. As I said, I'm a doctor, and I'm somewhat familiar with the root cause of your condition."
​

SCOTT: So you want me as a lab rat? Go to hell!
​

XAVIER: No, Scott. I'm here to offer you treatment for your... headaches, a safe environment, and a path. You already know you're not like most other people, don't you? Aren't you tired of living in fear? Stumbling blindly, day to day, unsure of your place in this world?"
​

SCOTT: (close to tears, barely above a whisper) Yes.
​

End scene.

Months later...
New scene opens with a shot of Professor Xavier's ancestral home. Xavier and Scott are in the infirmary. Scott is now wearing glasses with opaque, red lenses that extend around his face to his peripheral vision areas. He is reading off a vision test chart.

XAVIER: So, for the most part, you can see most words and object very clearly, is that right?"
​

SCOTT: Yes. Except I can't distinguish colors very well.
​

XAVIER: I'm afraid I can't remedy that at this time. We'll keep trying to make a more translucent shield that allows for better color vision. For now, at least, after all these months of testing, we've finally figured it out; ruby-quartz can keep your power in check while still allowing you to see.
​

SCOTT: I'm real glad that I can get around without you telepathically guiding me. It's just that, I can never open my eyes without firing these... 'optic beams,' without wearing these, can I? I can't see without everything being... red.
​

XAVIER: For the most part, that's correct. I'm going to start making you a set of goggles you can wear while sleeping. We don't want to leave it to chance that those glasses could fall out of place. Why don't you walk around a bit. Get used to seeing on your own.
​

SCOTT: Okay. Thank you, Professor, really.
​

XAVIER: You're quite welcome.
​

Scott leaves, looking much less upset than he did at the bus station, but still a bit grim.

Later on...
Scott is in an enormous gymnasium that will later be named the "Danger Room," practicing shooting targets with his optic beams by aiming with his eyes and lifting his glasses every time he wants to fire. He seems fairly good at it, but not nearly perfect. Professor Xavier rolls up to him and comments.

XAVIER: Not bad, Scott.
​

SCOTT (sardonically): Thanks for saying so, Professor.
​

XAVIER: I've got something that might help.
​

Charles holds up an object. It's a modified version of this, but I'll describe it so that you'll know what's the same and what's different.
It is a visor, golden in color, smooth in texture, shaped like an elongated and curved oval with a ruby-quartz strip running most of the length of it. It is constructed to wear so that it covers the eyes, extending around the sides so that it also covers the ears with knob-like sections. The "ear cups," while the same color as the rest of the visor, are "accoustically transparents," meaning they don't block sound. The inside of the visor is lined with low density, breathable foam padding. There is a rubber strap connecting the ear cups, meant to stretch slightly around the back of the wearer's head. The ruby-quartz strip runs all the way to the outside of the ear cups, but it there are vertical lines a couple inches in from each ear cup, making the ruby-quartz look like it's in three different pieces. There is a wire, securely plugged and screwed into the visor at the rear edge of the left ear cup, that is connected to a miniature control unit with a sliding button.

SCOTT: What is it?
​

XAVIER: It's a tactical visor It will help improve your aim and allow you to release the energy more quickly and with much less effort let me show you how it works.
​

The Professor shows Scott how the ruby-quartz is actually in four different pieces, the middle strip being two hinged plates that open up in a clam-shell style, with the plates on either side being stationary but meant to allow the wearer some peripheral vision. The moving plates are controlled by the sliding button on the control unit; the degree to which the user slides the button corresponds to the angle of the opened ruby-quartz plates. Later on, when Scott becomes an X-Man, the controlling mechanism will be wireless and built into contact points on his costume glove.

Xavier will tell Scott of his intention to not only help young mutants learn to control and use their powers safely, but he also plans to assemble a team of mutants who will protect humanity from dangerous, malevolent or out of control superhumans. Scott says he wants to be part of that team. Xavier will then fly to Dunfee, Illinois to offer high-school football star Henry McCoy a place at the Xavier Mansion, which he currently in the process of establishing as a legitimate educational institution. He is also in the process of completing the construction of Cerebro, a device that locates mutants. Scott Summers and Hank McCoy were brought to Xavier's attention by Agent Fred Duncan. After Cerebro is built, Xavier can find mutants on his own, some of whom are not high-profile enough for Duncan's task force to know about yet.


More later!

 

[Herr Logan]

UNCANNY X-MEN (continued)

Beast origin/recruitment scene:

Scene opens at a high school football stadium in Dunfee, Illinois (or near it). One of players is particularly bulky, well-muscled and has unusually large hands and feet. This is Hank "the Beast McCoy, age 18, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]5' 11", 300 lbs-- [/FONT]the star player for the home team. There are banners and signs held up by spectators in the bleachers that recognize and cheer on Hank in particular. Many of these spectators are very attractive young women, the admiration of which Hank is not in short supply at this point in his burgeoning sports career.
The camera catches some magnificent plays, with Hank effortlessly but expertly running across the field, dodging defensive and offensive opposing players as well as bulldozing through them (with minimal brutality, since Hank is nothing if not a nice guy), diving to catch passed balls that would be near-impossible to catch by anyone else before it hit the ground and landing in very tight crouches, just to spring back up and keep his momentum going. It's an incredible display of agility, worthy of an Olympic gymnast, to say the least. The coup de grace is when Hank, holding the ball and running for the goal, leaps and somersaults right over the heads of the wall of defensive players assembled in front of his target (they pulled everyone back so they could block the unstoppable McCoy en masse), and touches down (literally, as in he lands from a superhuman long jump) in the end-zone in the final moments of the game. Both teams are amazed and shocked, and so is the exstatic crowd in the bleachers. The coach for the other team, however, looks furious, and Hank's own coach looks dismayed. Half the crowd is cheering and the other half, especially those sitting up front, looks geniunely frightened by what they just witnessed. Hank, holding up the ball and waving to his fans, sees his coach's expression and his own broad grin starts to fade.

Scene change to the McCoy residence, the next day. Hank returns home from school looking somber and a little bit angry. He enters the house and sees his parents, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Norton and Edna, [/FONT] in the living room. Professor Xavier is also there, but he's partially blocked by a piece of furniture or decoration, and Hank is to distracted to notice him yet. (Again, the dialogue, like the narrative in this entire concept, is subject to change. Comments and suggestions are welcome.)

HANK: Well, it may as well be official; my expatriation from the team is presumptively inevitable," Hank announces dejectedly.
​

NORTON: What? How? What happened?" Norton asks, suddenly angry.
​

EDNA: Hasn't hurt that vocabulary of yours, though, has it?
​

NORTON: Hold that thought for a minute, son. This gentleman here is Professor Charles Xavier.
​

HANK: Forgive my brutish manners, sir. It's a delight to make your aquaintance.
​

Hank extends his very large, powerful hand toward Xavier.

XAVIER: The pleasure is all mine, Henry.
​

Xavier, shakes Hank's hand without hesitation or fear, unlike most people who meet Hank for the first time.

XAVIER: I've followed your football exploits and am most impressed."
​

HANK: You're a sports fan, Professor?
​

XAVIER: Well, not as much as I used to be. When I was in high school, I played basketball, and was actually quite adept. Not the super-star you are, of course.
​

HANK: That's very kind of you. Unfortunately, my tenure as a football champion has come to an end.
​

NORTON: Just how in the hell did that happen?" Norton asks, his anger rising again (it's not directed toward Hank).
​

HANK: After my egregious display of agility during the game last night, I've become a scandal. The school administrators have imputed my athletic prowess to the injudicious use of anabolic steroids.
​

NORTON: Thats a load of bull, and they should be ashamed for even thinkin' it, much less accusing you! My boy's no cheater or drug-user. The kid's a friggin' genius, for God's sake. He's perfect, and I ain't exaggeratin' on that one.
​

HANK (embarrassed): Dad...
​

Xavier is somewhat amused and pleased to see such a display of pride from a father to his son.

NORTON: Seriously, he's a straight-A student, the best damn athlete this town's ever seen and ever will see, a science whiz... I mean he's a God damn genius!"
​

HANK: I think he gets the idea, Dad.
​

EDNA: This won't affect your scholarship, will it?
​

HANK: I would assume that it does, Mom. Even when my tests come back negative for drugs, the doubts about my... abnormal physique will linger, and colleges don't take kindly to this kind of scandal.
​

NORTON: Just last week, I seen 'im writing science fiction and poetry at the same time... with his feet! His feet, for God's sake!
​

EDNA: We were counting on that scholarship, because we just can't afford college without it. We tried for an academic scholarship, but just isn't available right now. We've applied for loans, but we've been in debt for a while now and that just isn't happening. I don't know what will happen now.
​

NORTON: This is prejudice, plain and simple. So he looks different from other people; big damn deal! If they cut him from the team and take his scholarship, it's only outta prejudice and envy!
​

XAVIER: I wouldn't argue with you there, Mr. McCoy. If my suspicions are correct, your son is more than simply an extraordinary athlete."
​

NORTON: Some kinda superhero?
​

XAVIER (smiling): Not unless he wants to be.
​

More later. Comments!!

 

[Zaphod]

UNCANNY X-MEN (continued)

Beast origin/recruitment scene:

Scene opens at a high school football stadium in Dunfee, Illinois (or near it). One of players is particularly bulky, well-muscled and has unusually large hands and feet. This is Hank "the Beast McCoy, age 18, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]5' 11", 300 lbs-- [/FONT]the star player for the home team. There are banners and signs held up by spectators in the bleachers that recognize and cheer on Hank in particular. Many of these spectators are very attractive young women, the admiration of which Hank is not in short supply at this point in his burgeoning sports career.
The camera catches some magnificent plays, with Hank effortlessly but expertly running across the field, dodging defensive and offensive opposing players as well as bulldozing through them (with minimal brutality, since Hank is nothing if not a nice guy), diving to catch passed balls that would be near-impossible to catch by anyone else before it hit the ground and landing in very tight crouches, just to spring back up and keep his momentum going. It's an incredible display of agility, worthy of an Olympic gymnast, to say the least. The coup de grace is when Hank, holding the ball and running for the goal, leaps and somersaults right over the heads of the wall of defensive players assembled in front of his target (they pulled everyone back so they could block the unstoppable McCoy en masse), and touches down (literally, as in he lands from a superhuman long jump) in the end-zone in the final moments of the game. Both teams are amazed and shocked, and so is the exstatic crowd in the bleachers. The coach for the other team, however, looks furious, and Hank's own coach looks dismayed. Half the crowd is cheering and the other half, especially those sitting up front, looks geniunely frightened by what they just witnessed. Hank, holding up the ball and waving to his fans, sees his coach's expression and his own broad grin starts to fade.

Scene change to the McCoy residence, the next day. Hank returns home from school looking somber and a little bit angry. He enters the house and sees his parents, [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica]Norton and Edna, [/FONT] in the living room. Professor Xavier is also there, but he's partially blocked by a piece of furniture or decoration, and Hank is to distracted to notice him yet. (Again, the dialogue, like the narrative in this entire concept, is subject to change. Comments and suggestions are welcome.)
"Well, it may as well be official; my expatriation from the team is presumptively inevitable," Hank announces dejectedly.
"What? How? What happened?" Norton asks, suddenly angry.
"Hasn't hurt that vocabulary of yours, though, has it," Hank's mother says, trying to cheer him up a little.
Notron, getting a hold of himself says, "Hold that thought for a minute, son. This gentleman here is Professor Charles Xavier," indicating Charles, whom Hank just now notices for himself.
"Forgive my brutish manners, sir. It's a delight to make your aquaintance," Hank says as he extends a very large, powerful hand toward Xavier.
"The pleasure is all mine, Henry," says Xavier, who shakes Hank's hand without hesitation or fear (unlike most people who meet Hank for the first time). "I've followed your football exploits and am most impressed."
"You're a sports fan, Professor?"
"Well, not as much as I used to be. When I was in high school, I played basketball, and was actually quite adept. Not the super-star you are, of course."
"That's very kind of you," Hanks says, eyeing the wheelchair momentarily. "Unfortunately, my tenure as a football champion has come to an end."
"Just how in the hell did that happen?" Norton asks, his anger rising again (it's not directed toward Hank).
"After my egregious display of agility during the game last night, I've become a scandal. The school administrators have imputed my athletic prowess to the injudicious use of anabolic steroids."
"Thats a load of bull, and they should be ashamed for even thinkin' it, much less accusing you!" Norton practically shouts. Turning to Xavier, he says, "My boy's no cheater or drug-user. The kid's a friggin' genius, for God's sake. He's perfect, and I ain't exaggeratin' on that one."
"Dad..." Hank is embarrassed. Xavier is somewhat amused and pleased to see such a display of pride from a father to his son.
Norton continues, "Seriously, he's a straight-A student, the best damn athlete this town's ever seen and ever will see, a science whiz... I mean he's a God damn genius!"
"I think he gets the idea, Dad," Hank says, partially covering his face with his hand.
Edna speaks up, "This won't affect your scholarship, will it?"
"I would assume that it does, Mom. Even when my tests come back negative for drugs, the doubts about my... abnormal physique will linger, and colleges don't take kindly to this kind of scandal."
Norton is still listing Hank's impressive attributes. "Just last week, I seen 'im writing science fiction and poetry at the same time... with his feet! His feet, for God's sake!"
Edna explains to Xavier, "We were counting on that scholarship, because we just can't afford college without it. We tried for an academic scholarship, but just isn't available right now. We've applied for loans, but we've been in debt for a while now and that just isn't happening. I don't know what will happen now."
"This is prejudice, plain and simple," says Norton. "So he looks different from other people; big damn deal! If they cut him from the team and take his scholarship, it's only outta prejudice and envy!"
"I wouldn't argue with you there, Mr. McCoy," says Professor Xavier, who is now completely confident that the McCoy's can be trusted with the truth of his mission and the truth about their son. "If my suspicions are correct, your son is more than simply an extraordinary athlete."
"What is he, then," asks Norton. "Some kinda superhero?"
Xavier smiles and says, "Not unless he wants to be."

More later. Comments!!

I really like this, but I do have one suggestion:

After the game, and before Hank goes home, I'd certainly show a very brief scene where some player from the opposing side says to Hank: "No guy can play like that, run and jump like you did, not unless he was some freak!" The words are naturally born out of jealousy on this players part, a sore loser for losing to Hank and his team, but these words could be seen as visibly causing some hurt to Hank, just by his facial expression, nothing more. Hank would then turn to the player and quip something very witty, very intelligent, in other words, very Wildean, putting the guy in his place. The guy should look a little afraid beforehand, almost afraid of what Hank is going to do, but of course he isn't going to hurt the guy, only bring him down a notch with his uncanny vocab and clever wit. Then, when Hank goes to leave for home, he's coach stands in his way.
"He's right y'know, you might be smart around here, but you aint that smart! You think you can get away with that out there? No one, is capable of that, unless there takin' summin".
Hank would look genuinely insulted, and upset, and then we cut to the scene with Beast arriving home...

It's not pivotal I know, but it just came to me and it develops somewhat on the reasons why he was expedited from the team, and also makes good use of his wit to a point. Let me know what you think. Again, keep up the good work

 

[Herr Logan]

UNCANNY X-MEN (continued)

Okay, I know that last bit was pretty crappy.

Spoiler

[stage whisper]I'm not a very good writer.[/stage whisper]

. I may go back and edit it.
The main points I want to get across in the scene at the McCoys' house are these:

• Xavier flew in to speak with Hank's parents personally;
• Edna and Norton McCoy know their son is genetically abnormal, but are not at all ashamed or afraid of him; he is essentially the best son a parent could hope for and they are well aware of this, showing much love and support;
• The community where the McCoys live now suspects that Hank is either a steroid-user or is one of those mutants they keep hearing about on the news;
• The McCoys will know the full truth about the Xavier Academy for Gifted Youngsters, and that there son may well risk his life if he becomes a superhero; they are anxious and hesitant about this, but they will support Hank if he chooses that path, especially since they know he will still have the opportunity to earn the doctorate(s) he wants (they will be genetics, bio-chemistry, and engineering, I think);
• The scene will establish right off what kind of person Hank McCoy is-- extremely intelligent, generally friendly and good-natured (even though he's angry at that moment), ambitious and essentially a jack of all trades (and a potential master of several).

There should probably be some mention in the movie about how Norton soaked up some major radiation while working at a nuclear power plant where an accident occurred-- Xavier should share with Hank that this own father worked in nuclear research facility, so their respective mutations may be partially attributed to their fathers' exposure to radiation prior to their conception.

The next recruitment scene is for Warren Worthington III-- the Angel. Iceman will either be recruited after him, without an origin scene, or will be noted as having been recruited sometime after Cyclops without being shown yet.
I'm going to try and stick with script-style quotes instead of prose. I don't know why I've been doing it that way so far, but it probably makes the dialogue harder to read.

Angel

In New York City, the sillouette of a winged figure soars through the night sky. The camera pans down to the street and closes in on a discarded copy of the Daily Bugle that has a headline that reads, "Avenging Angel Strikes Again." The sidebar is an editorial by editor-in-chief J. Jonah Jameson, the title of which is, "Winged Menace Must Be Stopped."
Nearby, a street gang is threatening a young couple. Several have melee weapons (bats, blackjacks, chains, etc.). The leader of the gang shoves the young man up against the wall of an alley, and his cronies grab the young woman, who begins to scream, and start dragging her deeper into the alley.

GANG LEADER: That's right, call for help, b!tch. Why don't you pray while you're at it.
​

Right then, the Angel swoops down from above and flies straight into the alley, passing the gang leader and his victim as he hurtles straight into the gang members standing over the woman, whom is now on the ground. Arm's outstretched in front of him, he plows into the criminals, sending most of them crashing into the surrounding walls and trashcans. He swoops upwards before he reaches the dead end, turns around and alights on the ground right in front of the gang leader. We now get a full view of him; he is a tall, lean and very muscular figure, wearing a skin-tight, red and white bodysuit with goggles over his eyes. Sprouting from his shoulder blades are very large, white, feathered wings. He folds his wings backwards as he walks toward the leader and the male victim.

ANGEL: Gotta love the power of prayer, huh?
​

GANG LEADER: Stay back, freak! I'll ice him right here, 'you don't stay back!
​

He pulls a knife and holds it to his hostage's throat. Angel spreads his wings again, starts flapping and lifts himseld straight up into the air. The gangster looks up and sees Angel flying over the building at the end of the alley, presumably away. He keeps the knife at the man's throat for a few seconds, breathing heavy and wondering what to do next.
The camera switches to a view from behind the criminal, where Angel is floating down to the pavement from above, using his flat-angled wings to slow his descent. He touches down silently, right behind the gangster, grabs his knife hand and twists it until the knife falls. He pulls the thug away from his hostage and gives him a very powerful roundhouse punch that sends him flying backward into the alley with his legs trailing behind him.
The male victim runs over to his girlfriend/wife and helps her up before Angel can. They thank him and walk away, hurriedly, one of them using their cell phone to call the police.
Two of the thugs are not unconscious and they try to rush the Angel from behind as he's walking out of the alley. He hears them behind him and swings his wings backward, knocking them backward with such force that they hurtle all the way to the back of the alley. Angel just keeps on walking. When he reaches the street, he takes off again.

The Angel returns to his parents' penthouse apartment where he lives as Warren Worthington III, heir to Worthington Industries and a vast fortune. He enters through the large, open window of his room, and his room is very dark. He removes the top part of his bodysuit, unfastening a flap that runs between his wings and flares out to the sides below the wings' roots and undoing a zipper in the back underneath it. It is a custom-made shirt that allows for full body coverage aside from his wings, with a minimum of hassle. He goes to his walk-in closet and comes back out with regular pants on, the rest of his costume removed. He pulls a complex strap-harness from under the comforter of his bed and gets ready to rig it so it keeps his wings folded and relatively inconspicuous under his regular clothing. He turns a lamp on so he can use the mirror while doing this daily ritual.
The light goes on and there are two costumed figures in the room with him-- Scott Summers, codenamed Cyclops, and Hank McCoy, codenamed Beast. They are both wearing X-Men uniforms. Beast is not wearing gloves or footwear. The dim light makes them both appear quite frightening; especially Cyclops.

ANGEL: Who the hell are you? You've got exactly five seconds to explain yourselves before I throw you both out that window!​

CYCLOPS: We're not here to fight you, Warren. We came to make an offer.
​

WARREN: An "offer." Right. You figured out who I was; congrats. Which is it, blackmail for money or blackmail for illegal favors?​

​

BEAST: None of the above, actually.​

CYCLOPS: We're mutants, just like you.
​

WARREN: I'm missing the part where that's of any interest to me.
​

CYCLOPS: Here's the deal; you sign up at our school, you get a first-rate collegiate education and specialized training for hero work. We saw you in action tonight. You're good. Join us, and you'll get to be even better.
​

BEAST: You use that contraption to hide your... unusual extremeties, don't you?
​

WARREN: Forgive me if I don't want people gawking and screaming at me whenever I leave the house.
​

BEAST: It looks terribly uncomfortable. Wouldn't you like to be someplace where you don't need to take such precautions?
​

WARREN (pausing for a moment): I'm listening.
​

More soon. Comments, please!

 

[Herr Logan]

I really like this, but I do have one suggestion:

After the game, and before Hank goes home, I'd certainly show a very brief scene where some player from the opposing side says to Hank: "No guy can play like that, run and jump like you did, not unless he was some freak!" The words are naturally born out of jealousy on this players part, a sore loser for losing to Hank and his team, but these words could be seen as visibly causing some hurt to Hank, just by his facial expression, nothing more. Hank would then turn to the player and quip something very witty, very intelligent, in other words, very Wildean, putting the guy in his place.

Wildean, eh? I'll look up some Wilde quotes and see if anything jumps out that fits (probably for a paraphrase, if not direct quotation in the dialogue).

The guy should look a little afraid beforehand, almost afraid of what Hank is going to do, but of course he isn't going to hurt the guy, only bring him down a notch with his uncanny vocab and clever wit. Then, when Hank goes to leave for home, he's coach stands in his way.
"He's right y'know, you might be smart around here, but you aint that smart! You think you can get away with that out there? No one, is capable of that, unless there takin' summin".
Hank would look genuinely insulted, and upset, and then we cut to the scene with Beast arriving home...

"Summin.'"
That's just hilarious to me for some reason.

It's not pivotal I know, but it just came to me and it develops somewhat on the reasons why he was expedited from the team, and also makes good use of his wit to a point. Let me know what you think. Again, keep up the good work

I agree with you 100% on this suggestion and appreciate you posting it.
I may change the dialogue with the coach, but I'll try my damnedest to still have him say "summin'" when referring to steroids.

Putting this in after the game, and then having Hank called into the principal's office the next school day (I think that's what might happen in that situation, I have to look into that) with school authorities waiting for him there looking disappointed and displeased, that would probably get this information across in a more natural and overall better way and help to tighten up the scene at Hank's house.

Thanks, man.

 

[The Batman]

I'm liking this, herr logan.

Cant wait to see what you're take is on the classic "Jean Grey meets everyone" scene

 

[Herr Logan]

I'm liking this, herr logan.

Cant wait to see what you're take is on the classic "Jean Grey meets everyone" scene

Thanks, man.

One of the biggest challenges for me here will be how to write for the Beast (which will be a constant problem throughout the franchise), and also how to make it plausible that he of all the boys at Xavier's would have the audacity to unexpectedly kiss Jean, inspiring her to give him a frantic telekinetic ride in the air.

In the first couple of comics issues, it was very clear that the Beast was written much differently than in the following issues; specifically, I don't think he was meant to be an extremely verbose or polite character at first, but suddenly changed at around issue #3 or #4. Even after that, Hank was written with a hint of mysogynism, at least in terms of the specific things he said about "females." Stan Lee must have found himself old-fashioned women to marry, considering some of the things Beast and Peter Parker said in the 60's and how the Wasp behaved.
The Hank McCoy I want in the movies is kind-hearted to all innocent people and playfully chivalrous. Even so, it would be wrong to change that one scene so drastically from how it was in the comics (Beast kissing Jean and getting twirled around in the air for it). I suppose it's on the reader to imagine how it will look, since I don't want to do too much "directing" in the written treatments. I want it to be more light-hearted overall than it was in the comics, and not have Warren Worthington about to start throwing punches over it.

Okay, I'm probably over-analyzing this way too much. Anyway, thanks for the feedback.



Announcement: I've gone back and edited the posts featuring my Uncanny X-Men movie treatment (#107, #108, #114, #115 and #117) so that the dialogue is in script form instead of prose form. This may make it easier to read, and also edit.
I'm going to continue to edit them for content as well, whenever appropriate changes come to mind.

 

[Herr Logan]

Okay, input needed here, guys:

At the beginning of my Uncanny X-Men movie concept, I've got the scene where Xavier is in Egypt twenty years before the present time story. Xavier has his wallet stolen by a very young Ororo and chases her into a cafe where he meets the crime boss she works for-- Amahl Farouk, the Shadow King. After they both acknowledge that they're both mutant psychics, they do battle on the Astral Plane. The visual representation of this is a physical battle in a surreal, hallucinogenic atmosphere with armor and melee weapons.
Xavier, a relative amateur in psychic battle, somehow defeats the Shadow King on the Astral Plane and leaves him in a catatonic state.
Now, my current idea for this is that it takes place before the opening credit/title sequence of the film. It's a long teaser, basically.

Should I shorten this so that instead of actually going to the Astral Plane, Farouk and Xavier simply sit across from each other and basically act out a psychic "quickdraw duel"? Think back to 'Star Wars: A New Hope' where the bounty hunter Greedo is sitting across from Han Solo with a gun on him. Solo is holding a gun under the table and shoots first (in the real version, anyway). The point is, they're sitting down and basically have a duel. The combatants in my scene would also shoot energy blasts, but they would emmanate from their heads, be larger in size and would take the form of continuous beams, not single blasts. This would be faster and less disorienting than an Astral battle, but it wouldn't capture what really happened between these two in the comics. What do you guys think?

Alternate suggestions are welcome, too.

 

[Zev]

Okay, input needed here, guys:

At the beginning of my Uncanny X-Men movie concept, I've got the scene where Xavier is in Egypt twenty years before the present time story. Xavier has his wallet stolen by a very young Ororo and chases her into a cafe where he meets the crime boss she works for-- Amahl Farouk, the Shadow King. After they both acknowledge that they're both mutant psychics, they do battle on the Astral Plane. The visual representation of this is a physical battle in a surreal, hallucinogenic atmosphere with armor and melee weapons.
Xavier, a relative amateur in psychic battle, somehow defeats the Shadow King on the Astral Plane and leaves him in a catatonic state.
Now, my current idea for this is that it takes place before the opening credit/title sequence of the film. It's a long teaser, basically.

Should I shorten this so that instead of actually going to the Astral Plane, Farouk and Xavier simply sit across from each other and basically act out a psychic "quickdraw duel"? Think back to 'Star Wars: A New Hope' where the bounty hunter Greedo is sitting across from Han Solo with a gun on him. Solo is holding a gun under the table and shoots first (in the real version, anyway). The point is, they're sitting down and basically have a duel. The combatants in my scene would also shoot energy blasts, but they would emmanate from their heads, be larger in size and would take the form of continuous beams, not single blasts. This would be faster and less disorienting than an Astral battle, but it wouldn't capture what really happened between these two in the comics. What do you guys think?

Alternate suggestions are welcome, too.

Well, since the power of suggestion and imagination is generally better than some Dragonball Z-wannabe fight, maybe just show them talking psychically (your standard "camera pointed at Actor A, Actor A voiceover, camera pointed at Actor B, Actor B voiceover"). Then suddenly Farouk makes a "bring it on" comment of some kind and we cut back to a wide shot of the two of them, just sitting there. What everyone else in the restaurant is seeing. Then suddenly blood streams from every orifice on Farouk's head and he collapses. Xavier, sweating and looking pale, gets up and says that Farouk needs a doctor. And... scene.

 

[Jakomus]

Well, since the power of suggestion and imagination is generally better than some Dragonball Z-wannabe fight, maybe just show them talking psychically (your standard "camera pointed at Actor A, Actor A voiceover, camera pointed at Actor B, Actor B voiceover"). Then suddenly Farouk makes a "bring it on" comment of some kind and we cut back to a wide shot of the two of them, just sitting there. What everyone else in the restaurant is seeing. Then suddenly blood streams from every orifice on Farouk's head and he collapses. Xavier, sweating and looking pale, gets up and says that Farouk needs a doctor. And... scene.

That's a good idea.

 

[Herr Logan]

Well, since the power of suggestion and imagination is generally better than some Dragonball Z-wannabe fight, maybe just show them talking psychically (your standard "camera pointed at Actor A, Actor A voiceover, camera pointed at Actor B, Actor B voiceover"). Then suddenly Farouk makes a "bring it on" comment of some kind and we cut back to a wide shot of the two of them, just sitting there. What everyone else in the restaurant is seeing. Then suddenly blood streams from every orifice on Farouk's head and he collapses. Xavier, sweating and looking pale, gets up and says that Farouk needs a doctor. And... scene.

That's a good idea.

Well... yes and no.


I do welcome and appreciate your suggestions, Zev; I should just let you know that anything that would push a "PG-13" rating into an "R" rating, I ain't usin' it. I know this instance isn't that hardcore, but I shudder to think what you'd have happen when Magneto, Toad and Mastermind get their villainy on.

I'm definitely not going with the "blood streams from every orifice on Farouk's head" thing. I don't want it to be that bloody. Possibly a trickle from the nose, but the main point is that I need to show that Xavier hasn't hurt him physically and hasn't killed him. He left his mind trapped where it can't hurt anyone. I need to find a way to show this without it taking too much time.

Perhaps he could tell Agent Duncan that he checks on Farouk every once in a while and he still hasn't emerged from that coma. That would establish the permanence of it, and that he's not dead. I think I'll use that line, though.

"This man needs a doctor," he'd tell the cafe owner, then he'd put his Indiana Jones hat back on and walk out. That's sorta badass, isn't it?

Thanks for the feedback.


By the way, I read your 5-Minute X-Men 3. Good work.
Also, I just started watching 'Lost' on DVD, so that's a new dimension of pop culture references (not just in the Fivers, but in everything you write) that I'll now be able to understand. I just finished "Walkabout," so I got the part about Locke and the wheelchair.

 

[Zev]

I do welcome and appreciate your suggestions, Zev; I should just let you know that anything that would push a "PG-13" rating into an "R" rating, I ain't usin' it. I know this instance isn't that hardcore, but I shudder to think what you'd have happen when Magneto, Toad and Mastermind get their villainy on.

*Camera slowly focuses on Zev's head. On the soundtrack, screams, explosions, and gunshots are heard. A slow, Damien-like smile spreads on Zev's face.*

I'm definitely not going with the "blood streams from every orifice on Farouk's head" thing. I don't want it to be that bloody. Possibly a trickle from the nose, but the main point is that I need to show that Xavier hasn't hurt him physically and hasn't killed him. He left his mind trapped where it can't hurt anyone. I need to find a way to show this without it taking too much time.

Then just have him kind of "shut off" like a lightbulb so abruptly it's frightening, then a first-person perspective shot from Farouk aspeople check up on him (to make it clear he can see and hear, but can't necessarily do anything else).

Perhaps he could tell Agent Duncan that he checks on Farouk every once in a while and he still hasn't emerged from that coma. That would establish the permanence of it, and that he's not dead. I think I'll use that line, though.

"This man needs a doctor," he'd tell the cafe owner, then he'd put his Indiana Jones hat back on and walk out. That's sorta badass, isn't it?

Thanks for the feedback.

Actually, I think the best bet would be not to go with the scene at all, unless you're setting up Farouk to come back later. Otherwise, the audience will be wondering what's the deal with the bald Egyptian guy (who the audience is even reminded of in the convo between Xavier and Duncan) throughout the movie. I know I would be.

By the way, I read your 5-Minute X-Men 3. Good work.
Also, I just started watching 'Lost' on DVD, so that's a new dimension of pop culture references (not just in the Fivers, but in everything you write) that I'll now be able to understand. I just finished "Walkabout," so I got the part about Locke and the wheelchair.

Thank you kindly.