So much for smooth sailings...I've got drama knocking at my door again.
Everything has been pretty much hunky dory the last few days. I don't believe in jinxing but it seems as if whenever I say or think that things are gonna be alright, they go wrong again. And it is morning's like the one that I had today that remind me of how truly f***ed up my life is.
Jason and I were dead to the world this morning. We had been out all night, had had a few drinks, partied, came home, and went to bed. So I had a pounding headache when I got two text messages around 7:30AM. And lo and behold, they were both from David. Jason was turning over in his sleep because he had to get up to go to work at 8. So I kept my phone over the edge of the bed so I could read the messages in private--and out of his possible eyesight. The messages said the following:
"Coming home Monday. Can u pick me up from airport"
"Mama making her bbq turkey. R u coming for xmas fam dinner?"
So I just laid there staring at the messages, and I didn't know how to reply because I had every intention of spending the holidays with Jason. So I didn't answer the messages. I just put the phone down and went to get in the shower, not necessarily to wash up but rather to think. Sometimes I just stand in the shower with the hot water running because I find it kinda soothing and conducive for meditation. I'm weird like that.
So a few minutes later Jason comes in and gets in the shower. He's like, "Wassup?" I said Goodmorning. He tried to make small talk but I obviously wasn't in the most talkative mood at that point because I had s*** on my mind now. Jason is like...very much a morning person. He just wakes up with this whole zippidy-doo-daa mentality and I can tell he's really enjoying this new relationship. So he asked me what's wrong and I told him that I had gotten a message from an old friend that was troubling me. He was like, "You want to talk about it?" I said, I do not. LOL He said "Oookay."
So I guess he decided to change the subject. He asked me what is our life expectancy. I was confroosed by this so I said, what are you talking about? He said, "Well, I read on-line that gay relationships don't last long. How long do you think this thing we're doing will last?" I was like, Well, I think that these kind of relationships can last a very long time, depending on who's involved. He was like, But men are dogs. If we will cheat on our women we most definitely will cheat on other men. We're just built like that."
I told him I disagreed, and that I had been in an 11 year old LTR with a man prior to him and that was proof that things could last. He shrugged and said "aiight" and stepped out of the shower.
In my master bathroom we have a double-sink vanity with two mirrors. Jason thinks this set-up is very bougeois (sp?) but I think it's great and convenient. So I also stepped out of the shower, dried off and started brushing my teeth in front of the one sink. Jason was shaving his face in the other. We kept talking about this whole "Gay Relationship Life Expectancy" deal. He said he was originally leery of pursuing a relationship with me is because he felt that because of my physical appearance that there would always been men or women tempting me to cheat on him. He said that a lot of times because gay men don't get married there is less of a committment. I thought this thinking was very naive and clearly from someone who is inexperienced. So I said, "In other words, if I was ugly you feel you would nothing to worry about huh?" He said he didn't mean it that way. I told him that if I was insecure I could have the same fears about him. I could tell this comment somewhat reassured him because he smiled a bit.
He washed the excess shaving cream off and patted his face dry with the towel. The stuff about David was pressing on my mind still, so I asked him, "So what are we doing for the Holidays?" He said, "Well, I'll be going home to visit with my folks. What are your plans?" He put a towel around his waist and went into the bedroom to get dressed.
x 1,000,000
I'll be honest here: this comment dissapointed me a bit. I know Jason is still struggling with his orientation and clearly not ready to tell his family about what we're doing. So I never expected him to say
"Well I want to take you home to meet my folks." But I was hoping he'd say we would go out and do whatever together. However, he drew a clear line of demarcation between his activities and mine. In other words, "I'M doing this. You're on your own." At least that's how I felt it came across. Not that he was being mean, but still...obviously his plans didn't include me.`
So I followed him into the bedroom. He was ironing his police uniform. He asked me again if I had any plans. I told him that I was not definite on anything yet and that I had had some invitations from some friends to join them for their dinner. He was like, "Oh okay. Well, that's cool Caliph. They're in the city?" I said "Yeah." He was like, "Cool." He put on his uniform and his lax attitude towards the whole thing kinda annoyed me but I was careful not to let it show. I handed him his utility belt/gun holster thing and he said thanks and put it on. He was in a bit of a rush to get to the station because he was covering someone else's shift for the holidays. And he went off to work. And I was like, WTF?
It's going on 3pm today and I have not answered David's text messages yet. The stuff with Jason notwithstanding, I am perplexed by David's request to pick him up from the airport. Considering
all the many friends and family members he has available to pick him up, why of all peeps would he contact me? Also, normally he just gets a rental car at the airport and he's clearly not hurting for money so why would he need to get picked up at all? This is all a bit unusual for David. As I mentioned before, he's been texting me more and more frequently lately. Sometimes for just silly s***.
And then there's the thing with his family. Thanksgiving Dinner is one thing, but I truly didn't expect to be invited to their Christmas Dinner as well. Now, generally I would NEVER miss David's mama's turkey. The way she smokes it and then bbq's it is incredible...the meat just falls off the bone it's that tender. And as Italians, they have a good time (albeit a bit eccentric at times--there have been plate-throwing fights in the past--Italians have seeerrrrrious passionate tempers). And David apparently has not let on to his family that anything has changed in terms of our friendship. If he truly didn't want me around he would've told his family that I had other plans. But clearly he is inviting me as well, which...is weird considering how he put me away months ago.
I know that the holidays have a way of making people feel sentimental. So I am trying really hard not to read anything into David's requests to spend some one-on-one time with him or to join his family. But now that Jason has made it clear that he'll be doing his own thing for Christmas I will apparently be left to my own devices. David is my ex-man but I'll admit it...I still have feelings for dude. But my new cat is lightyears behind David in terms of understanding the parrallels between bi/gay relationships and str8 ones. I mean, David had hang-ups too, but at least he understood that our relationship was just like a str8 one, and he and I did things as a family--including the holidays. That was a top priority for him and me. Jason doesn't have that appreciation yet.
So I am confused as a muthaf*****.
emoticon for a purpose other than the one I love the most. 
