Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

[hopefuldreamer]

It actually went well, told her we didnt get to talk that much during the thing and that we should do something together sometime. She agreed

Now it's just the stupid easter in the way where I'm away for the rest of the week. Just to get some confirmation on my strategy - a weekend-date now is a no-no and it's better to set something up on a weekday, right?

Awesome

Whatever you do, tell us how it goes

 

[DV8]

Also, DV8, have them send me pictures of their sisters.

you hear that suckas??? well go ON . . . those pics aren't just gonna PM themselves!! and if you don't have any sisters, your mom will do!

 

[obin_gam]

Stupid easter! Why did jesus have to be zombiefied THIS week?! She's away on holiday during the entire week not coming home until next sunday. But then we'll meet up and have lunch at one of the campus diners (which should be kinda perfect for this sort of thing - lots of people all around us, relaxed setting, cheap and simple food, etc).

The smartest thing now is to not contact her until she comes back right? Which will make her feel I'm not too eager and that I have other stuff to think about.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Have you already set up the date with her?

If you have, then yes, I would say do not contact her, until perhaps a day before or so just to confirm.

The wait sucks, but hey, sounds like everything is going good for ya man! Good luck to ya!

And also - campus food = cheap??? What university do you attend, cuz I need to get on some of that "cheap" campus food.

 

[obin_gam]

A specific day isnt confirmed, just "sometime the week after she gets back".

The northen socialistic hell of what is usually called sweden hehe. Well theres one restaruant which is cheaper than everyone else, most of them have lunch for around $9 but this one have lunch for $4 (4.5 with a coke) and it is awesome! What I find strange is that the other ones dont conform to this price, and that people are going to the more expensives ones anyway... theres not even a difference in quality, just the type of food. (the expensive ones have sallads and kebab and lasagne and stuff, and this one have more of a home-cooked-cuisine).

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Okay, well what I would do (and take my advice for what it's worth, as I am no master in the world of dating) is not contact her until she's back, then shoot her a text or a call and set up something more specific.

And if you haven't already made specific plans to eat on campus, maybe try to take her somewhere off campus for lunch. I feel like it would be more date-like.

I've only once asked a girl out on campus like that, and it was a thing where we had a class together, both of us had a break of about an hour, and I suggested her and I getting coffee at the on campus Starbucks. Outside of that one time, I always try to make plans off campus.

 

[obin_gam]

Good point about taking it somehwere outside! It all depends on her schedule though, if she just have an hours break then walking to one of the other places outside of the campus might prove to be to stressful.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Good point about taking it somehwere outside! It all depends on her schedule though, if she just have an hours break then walking to one of the other places outside of the campus might prove to be to stressful.

Should have asked her to dinner or even better a drink (of coffee if you don't drink), that way you don't have to worry about running off to class. A drink or coffee always offers a quick escape, but you can also stay longer if things are going well, it was always my favorite first date.

Also, would've been better to settle on a date already, it shows more confidence, always call with a date in mind and backups in case she's busy.

I say call once she's back to firm up the details.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I cannot be a best friend with benefits. It's all or nothing with me. You either want to be my soul mate or you don't. There's no such thing as a friend with benefits in my life. If a guy can't give himself completely to me then I spiral into a depression and anger. It's better if a guy that can't be serious with me just leaves me alone because I'm not a very nice person when I don't get what I want out of a relationship. In fact, I am downright hard to live with if I don't feel like I'm the center of a man's world. My needs have been ignored for far too long for me to have casual sex with friends, in fact the notion of sex with a friend is just as disgusting to me as having sex with a sibling. You know, the most hurtful thing a guy can say to me is "I just want to be a best friend with benefits." That's much crueler to me then being relegated to the friend zone. It's like the guy is saying to me "I just want you for sex and nothing more." Making a confession here, but I actually hate sex so why would I want to objectify myself like that? I don't consider people that hurt me friends, and relegating me to a sex toy hurts me a lot.

That and what do I have to say to a man to get them to realize I just don't want to be with them...ever? I don't care how handsome he might be, I just don't want to be with him at all. He's made it pretty clear ages ago we have absolutely nothing in common so why does he keep persisting? I don't get it. He insults me then says he loves me. I don't know what planet he comes from, but in my world that doesn't constitute love, nor does exploiting me and stalking me constitute love either. I just wish he'd (And all those connected with him, like former co-workers, friends, etc. etc.) go away and stop making my life miserable. If he was decent, caring, responsible and less egotistical, philandering, self absorbed, inconsiderate, sex addicted jerk then none of this would have happened.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

You're too uptight (well duh on that one, I guess). What's wrong with "being wanted for sex and nothing more"? And once again, you're being very vague on details, which makes me think you're trying out some fan-fiction on us. Is this the guy with the violent gang member friends or some new gentleman caller?

 

[Godzilla2000]

You know, I know exactly who I'd want completely, the sort of man I'm looking for and who would make me happy for the next 40 years at this moment. I am completely through with a desolate past and the people that remind me of it and I have to move on.

 

[Anita18]

I cannot be a best friend with benefits. It's all or nothing with me. You either want to be my soul mate or you don't. There's no such thing as a friend with benefits in my life. If a guy can't give himself completely to me then I spiral into a depression and anger. It's better if a guy that can't be serious with me just leaves me alone because I'm not a very nice person when I don't get what I want out of a relationship. In fact, I am downright hard to live with if I don't feel like I'm the center of a man's world. My needs have been ignored for far too long for me to have casual sex with friends, in fact the notion of sex with a friend is just as disgusting to me as having sex with a sibling. You know, the most hurtful thing a guy can say to me is "I just want to be a best friend with benefits." That's much crueler to me then being relegated to the friend zone. It's like the guy is saying to me "I just want you for sex and nothing more." Making a confession here, but I actually hate sex so why would I want to objectify myself like that? I don't consider people that hurt me friends, and relegating me to a sex toy hurts me a lot.

That and what do I have to say to a man to get them to realize I just don't want to be with them...ever? I don't care how handsome he might be, I just don't want to be with him at all. He's made it pretty clear ages ago we have absolutely nothing in common so why does he keep persisting? I don't get it. He insults me then says he loves me. I don't know what planet he comes from, but in my world that doesn't constitute love, nor does exploiting me and stalking me constitute love either. I just wish he'd (And all those connected with him, like former co-workers, friends, etc. etc.) go away and stop making my life miserable. If he was decent, caring, responsible and less egotistical, philandering, self absorbed, inconsiderate, sex addicted jerk then none of this would have happened.

Yeah, that would be kind of a problem with the whole "marriage and kids" thing.

Truth be told, most men would not want to make you the center of their world without a little nookie going on. Many of these men will be patient and hold out if there is a real reason for the lack of said nookie. Waiting to have sex until you're more familiar with each other is very common. Stomach flu and slow recovery was also a good reason - bf and I did not make like rabbits for a LONG time, and I lost so much weight I was a fairly unattractive skeleton to boot. But he stayed because he liked me for me and was not desperate enough for sex to find it somewhere else in the short-term. (Short-term meaning months here. )

The harsh reality is that even when a man loves you and is willing to make you the center of their world...if you do not have sex with them then they will find it somewhere else. A friend of mine loved sex and wasn't above sleeping with married men to get it - she told me there were a few times where the husband really, truly loved his wife and would even call the wife when he was with my friend. (Obviously not before or during they were bumping uglies. ) It's just that the wife refused to have sex and so he sought it somewhere else. Of course the wives never knew, and I'm not telling you that you HAVE to like sex. I'm just giving you a heads up as to what the reality IS going to be whether you like it or not.

You're too uptight (well duh on that one, I guess). What's wrong with "being wanted for sex and nothing more"? And once again, you're being very vague on details, which makes me think you're trying out some fan-fiction on us. Is this the guy with the violent gang member friends or some new gentleman caller?

Some feminazis likes myself wish to be wanted for our intelligence and personalities more.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Some feminazis likes myself wish to be wanted for our intelligence and personalities more.

I was being a just a mite facetious.

 

[Anita18]

I was being a just a mite facetious.

As was I.

It's hilarious how many SHHers are afraid of me on Facebook. Am I really that serious and scary?

 

[Godzilla2000]

Yeah, that would be kind of a problem with the whole "marriage and kids" thing.

I decided a long time ago I'd rather adopt a child that really needs to be rescued from deplorable conditions, especially girls from the Asian countries like China and India who face death on a regular basis. In India mothers have even burned their girls alive because boys are more prized. I have a Dream Catcher on my wall that has three little, blue stones on it and I like to think of each stone representing the dream of a child I'd raise as my own. That and at almost 40 having kids naturally is pretty dangerous so I don't think a natural child birth would be beneficial to my health.

Some feminazis likes myself wish to be wanted for our intelligence and personalities more.

But I'm not a Feminazi. I'm a very bubbly, chatty girl when you can break the ice with me that likes to have fun and watch Godzilla movies. Maybe I was a bit too vague about the whole sex thing. I guess I should have said that I just don't like sex when it's devoid of mutual love. I hate sex as enjoyment, I want sex as a form of expression of a complete love for me as a soul mate and an indispensable other half if that makes sense.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

See? The "hate sex as enjoyment" thing would scare off any sane man. No one wants someone who takes sex that serious. Sex should be a little fun and adventurous. We're not pandas mating in a zoo.

 

[Anita18]

But I'm not a Feminazi. I'm a very bubbly, chatty girl when you can break the ice with me that likes to have fun and watch Godzilla movies. Maybe I was a bit too vague about the whole sex thing. I guess I should have said that I just don't like sex when it's devoid of mutual love. I hate sex as enjoyment, I want sex as a form of expression of a complete love for me as a soul mate and an indispensable other half if that makes sense.

The latter doesn't lack of the former though. Sometimes sex with my bf is more for enjoyment than "an expression of complete love," and sometimes it's vice versa.

Sex doesn't all have to be under one umbrella. If anything, it should be two (or more, I ain't judging! ) people enjoying each other's bodies.

There's a balance between knowing what you want and rejecting anything that doesn't fall into your narrow definitions. Men are not customized toys either, but at least you haven't gotten to the point of blaming individual men for not being as perfect as you want them.

 

[Erzengel]

Jin, really needs to find other avenues for meeting people.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

You know, I know exactly who I'd want completely, the sort of man I'm looking for and who would make me happy for the next 40 years at this moment. I am completely through with a desolate past and the people that remind me of it and I have to move on.

No, you're not and no you won't. You seem to thrive on the drama of chasing guys that are just not that into you. You always tell us the qualities this mythical man must have, but never say what you bring to the relationship. Although you have just revealed something, no sex unless it's a complete definition of undying love towards you, which isn't a good quality, and really a teenage girls definition of sex. In a healthy relationship you should be able to have sex just for the fun of it because it does feel good and is fun.

 

[DV8]

I cannot be a best friend with benefits. It's all or nothing with me. You either want to be my soul mate or you don't. There's no such thing as a friend with benefits in my life. If a guy can't give himself completely to me then I spiral into a depression and anger. It's better if a guy that can't be serious with me just leaves me alone because I'm not a very nice person when I don't get what I want out of a relationship. In fact, I am downright hard to live with if I don't feel like I'm the center of a man's world. My needs have been ignored for far too long for me to have casual sex with friends, in fact the notion of sex with a friend is just as disgusting to me as having sex with a sibling. You know, the most hurtful thing a guy can say to me is "I just want to be a best friend with benefits." That's much crueler to me then being relegated to the friend zone. It's like the guy is saying to me "I just want you for sex and nothing more." Making a confession here, but I actually hate sex so why would I want to objectify myself like that? I don't consider people that hurt me friends, and relegating me to a sex toy hurts me a lot.

That and what do I have to say to a man to get them to realize I just don't want to be with them...ever? I don't care how handsome he might be, I just don't want to be with him at all. He's made it pretty clear ages ago we have absolutely nothing in common so why does he keep persisting? I don't get it. He insults me then says he loves me. I don't know what planet he comes from, but in my world that doesn't constitute love, nor does exploiting me and stalking me constitute love either. I just wish he'd (And all those connected with him, like former co-workers, friends, etc. etc.) go away and stop making my life miserable. If he was decent, caring, responsible and less egotistical, philandering, self absorbed, inconsiderate, sex addicted jerk then none of this would have happened.

you never replied to my PM

 

[Anita18]

But I'm not a Feminazi. I'm a very bubbly, chatty girl when you can break the ice with me that likes to have fun and watch Godzilla movies.

Another thing about that. Judging by what you write here, you kind of are. Like what amazingfantasy15 mentioned, you're always talking about what men have to bring to the table to get you, but you never talk about what you're bringing to the table for them. Other than that you're bubbly and chatty, and most guys are quite content to have such girls around them....as friends. (Or FWB, whichever. )

There has to be mutual trust and devotion for a relationship to work. The man just can't give give give give, while you make judgments on how much he's giving and refuse to give anything of yourself. You say you have "needs" that your partner has to fulfill. What's he going to get in return?

My fiance and I are going through our first "real" test as a committed couple, one that makes both our career trajectories more uncertain than before. (Yeah I know that's vague, but I'd like to make sure we've talked it out completely between ourselves first before I go on talking about it to others.) It would be easy to manipulate him into making a decision that would benefit only me and not him. "But you're supposed to PROVIDE for me! We're getting MARRIED soon!" And so on and so forth.

But I didn't sign up to do that. I'm making a promise that we are going to support each other, no matter what. If our immediate future plans are changed, it's not a big deal. We're going to go through life together, and that's what's important.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah, I don't think she's looking for responses.

 

[Swordmaster]

Or reason. Or common sense. Or any other thing along those lines.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Another thing about that. Judging by what you write here, you kind of are. Like what amazingfantasy15 mentioned, you're always talking about what men have to bring to the table to get you, but you never talk about what you're bringing to the table for them. Other than that you're bubbly and chatty, and most guys are quite content to have such girls around them....as friends. (Or FWB, whichever. )

There has to be mutual trust and devotion for a relationship to work. The man just can't give give give give, while you make judgments on how much he's giving and refuse to give anything of yourself. You say you have "needs" that your partner has to fulfill. What's he going to get in return?

My fiance and I are going through our first "real" test as a committed couple, one that makes both our career trajectories more uncertain than before. (Yeah I know that's vague, but I'd like to make sure we've talked it out completely between ourselves first before I go on talking about it to others.) It would be easy to manipulate him into making a decision that would benefit only me and not him. "But you're supposed to PROVIDE for me! We're getting MARRIED soon!" And so on and so forth.

But I didn't sign up to do that. I'm making a promise that we are going to support each other, no matter what. If our immediate future plans are changed, it's not a big deal. We're going to go through life together, and that's what's important.

So true.

I was talking to a friend of mine about issues with my girlfriend, someone close to the situation (a mutual friend), and she gave me the best advice, and it applies to all relationships...

"She needs to figure out what you need from the relationship, and learn to provide that to you, just as you need to figure out what she needs from the relationship, and provide that to her"

Someone once told me that in every relationship there is the "lover" and the "beloved", but I think that's a **** way of looking at relationships. Relationships need to be equal parts "lover" and "beloved", and both people need to bring something to the relationship.

You're right, it doesn't sound like Jin wants to bring anything, it sounds like she wants a made up fairy tale of a man to sweep her off her feet so that she doesn't ever have to do anything for herself.

Any man worth a **** needs a woman that's more than just "bubbly" and "chatty"

 

[Erzengel]

Or to think that some handsome stranger is just going to stroll into her small town, go into her place of business and then carry her out of there.