Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

[terry78]

I reiterate, this thread will never go down to another for thread of the year.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Or to think that some handsome stranger is just going to stroll into her small town, go into her place of business and then carry her out of there.

The problem is, this;

[YT]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lNfyhvlVLx0[/YT]

Doesn't happen in real life

 

[Erzengel]

The problem is, this;

[YT]lNfyhvlVLx0[/YT]

Doesn't happen in real life

Way to go, Jin!! Way to go!!!

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

lmao, I knew that video clip was coming.

Bravo, amazingfantasy, bravo.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

So, he and I didn't really get to see much of one another last weekend, so to make up for it I vowed to make this weekend awesome and for us to spend a good amount of time together. I absentmindedly mentioned the idea of going out of town and getting a hotel for an evening or two, basically thinking out loud. He liked the idea. The only problem is, I'm flip-flopping on the issue because I know what it implies. One minute I'm all for it, the next I'm berating myself for even thinking about it. We've been dating for almost 5 months and I keep worrying that I'm not being fair to him, keeping him waiting like I have been. I can tell he's a little frustrated, though he'd never say so because he doesn't want me to ever feel pressured by him into doing anything. I have a bag packed in my car in case I decide to go through with this (since we'd leave tonight if I do), but I don't know. My anxiety is through the roof because I honestly don't know what I should do. It doesn't help that we're going on a camping trip with a few of his friends within the next few weeks too and I'm feeling anxious about it for the same reasons. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm not sure if it'd be the right choice or not. Or if I'd be making a mistake. I guess fear/nerves would be the right words to use to describe how I feel?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Sounds to me like you just need some open communication with him about how you feel about the situation.

I don't know what your relationship is like - it sounds like a pretty healthy one though. Sounds like you should just talk to him about your concerns, and I'm sure he'll be receptive to it.

 

[Erzengel]

I know ATP said this to you....but once you do it, it's not like you're going to be a different person. You won't feel any different, the only thing that will change is you will be now sexually active.

It's not like it changes you.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I know ATP said this to you....but once you do it, it's not like you're going to be a different person. You won't feel any different, the only thing that will change is you will be now sexually active.

It's not like it changes you.

I need to tell this to my girlfriend.

Although, for what it's worth (probably not much) most everybody I've talked to says they think she'll change her stance on "no sex until marriage" eventually with me, once the relationship starts to really get serious.

 

[Anita18]

So, he and I didn't really get to see much of one another last weekend, so to make up for it I vowed to make this weekend awesome and for us to spend a good amount of time together. I absentmindedly mentioned the idea of going out of town and getting a hotel for an evening or two, basically thinking out loud. He liked the idea. The only problem is, I'm flip-flopping on the issue because I know what it implies. One minute I'm all for it, the next I'm berating myself for even thinking about it. We've been dating for almost 5 months and I keep worrying that I'm not being fair to him, keeping him waiting like I have been. I can tell he's a little frustrated, though he'd never say so because he doesn't want me to ever feel pressured by him into doing anything. I have a bag packed in my car in case I decide to go through with this (since we'd leave tonight if I do), but I don't know. My anxiety is through the roof because I honestly don't know what I should do. It doesn't help that we're going on a camping trip with a few of his friends within the next few weeks too and I'm feeling anxious about it for the same reasons. It's not that I don't want to, it's just that I'm not sure if it'd be the right choice or not. Or if I'd be making a mistake. I guess fear/nerves would be the right words to use to describe how I feel?

It doesn't imply anything.

FWIW, my bf and I (or rather, just my bf since he likes being spontaneous and he's okay with spending money ) would book a hotel room for a change of scenery before we ever seriously tried having intercourse. Yeah, we fooled around some but he didn't feel I owed him free reign to my vagina because he booked a hotel room. He knew I was a virgin and it would be really unfair to both of us if he just went in there guns blazing because it was implied that we "should" that day. I wouldn't enjoy it, he wouldn't enjoy it because he was hurting me.

You just need to talk to him. You don't need to say, "BTW, we're not having intercourse!" because that's like purposely ruining his party. But you DO have real concerns and you need to communicate that to him. He wants to make sure you're comfortable and happy too.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I know ATP said this to you....but once you do it, it's not like you're going to be a different person. You won't feel any different, the only thing that will change is you will be now sexually active.

It's not like it changes you.

I know. But it's something that can't be undone once done. My fear is that I'd end up regretting it and wishing I hadn't.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Erz and Anita are both right here.

Sex isn't going to change you. But you shouldn't do it if you're not ready.

It doesn't sound like you are. Communicate that to him. From the way you're talking about him, he sounds like the kind of guy who will understand, and be respectful of that.

 

[Anita18]

I know. But it's something that can't be undone once done. My fear is that I'd end up regretting it and wishing I hadn't.

Also for what it's worth, my bf and I probably prepped me for weeks before actually doing the deed. (And he had to be prepped too, he was so nervous! ) So in my case, it wasn't something that just happened and a single decision I could regret. It was this whole process.

You have to believe me when I say sex isn't something that just "happens." I mean for super-drunk people it just happens, I guess, but when you're with someone and communication is ongoing, it's very much a process.

 

[Erzengel]

Some of us here aren't with the person we lost our virginity to. Some of us here, probably don't necessarily like the person we lost our virginity to.

You are putting some idealistic, WB outlook on it. It's not like you're 17 in high school, you're 22-23 now?

I just find it hard that you'll regret it since you've been with him for 5 months. That's a long time to date someone. It's not like you would lose it after 2 weeks with someone.

I'm sure you already are in love with him or at the very least have strong feelings for him. Right now, if you could only pick one person to sleep with, I'm guessing it's him.

Don't worry about tomorrow, or next month or next year. For now, things are good, things are progressing. Don't let your anxiety, worries, Chicken Little The Sky is Falling ruin things for you and this relationship.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

So what do you guys/gals suggest I say when I voice my concerns?

 

[Erzengel]

I wanna have sex but I've put so much pressure on myself to elevate this event to some sort of unreachable pedestal?

 

[Anita18]

So what do you guys/gals suggest I say when I voice my concerns?

You know him best. My fiance would fail any suave communication tests from you guys, but he says exactly what he means and I'm used to his awkwardness. So it works.

Do emphasize that you just want to make sure he's on the same page as you. That's the most important thing. Then you can take it from there.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I wanna have sex but I've put so much pressure on myself to elevate this event to some sort of unreachable pedestal?

Is it so bad that I think sex should be something special, not just "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am"?

You know him best. My fiance would fail any suave communication tests from you guys, but he says exactly what he means and I'm used to his awkwardness. So it works.

Do emphasize that you just want to make sure he's on the same page as you. That's the most important thing. Then you can take it from there.

I'm painfully awkward at times too, so I can relate to your beau.

 

[Anita18]

Is it so bad that I think sex should be something special, not just "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am"?

He's held out for 5 months now, and probably has been fond of you for even longer. I don't think he's gonna "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" you in the least.

I dunno, you have to look at this as a big picture kind of thing. What does having sexual intercourse mean to you REALLY? You've got a guy you like who likes you back and who you can trust, which is probably THE hardest part of the whole proceedings. Sure there's pregnancy and STDs, but they make stuff for that.

You're absolutely right when you observe that you worry too much. This isn't about sex, or religion, because you haven't mentioned religion at all in regards to sex. You worry when you have to make a decision you can't undo. You need to feel like you can push the undo button any time you feel uncomfortable. Well, life doesn't come with undo buttons, ever. Every time you make a decision, stuff happens that you can't undo. Even when you think you have control over the consequences, oftentimes you don't. You can't control people's reactions, or people's actions. But you can control how you react to them.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

He's held out for 5 months now, and probably has been fond of you for even longer. I don't think he's gonna "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am" you in the least.

I dunno, you have to look at this as a big picture kind of thing. What does having sexual intercourse mean to you REALLY? You've got a guy you like who likes you back and who you can trust, which is probably THE hardest part of the whole proceedings. Sure there's pregnancy and STDs, but they make stuff for that.

You're absolutely right when you observe that you worry too much. This isn't about sex, or religion, because you haven't mentioned religion at all in regards to sex. You worry when you have to make a decision you can't undo. You need to feel like you can push the undo button any time you feel uncomfortable. Well, life doesn't come with undo buttons, ever. Every time you make a decision, stuff happens that you can't undo. Even when you think you have control over the consequences, oftentimes you don't. You can't control people's reactions, or people's actions. But you can control how you react to them.

You've got a good point.

As for the whole religion thing, there has been a nagging voice in the back of my mind that keeps pestering me about waiting until marriage and what The Bible says on the subject. I'm not a super religious person, I don't really go to church, but I do believe in God and all that. But that's not really the main reason I'm hesitating. It is a reason, but not the biggest one.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Is it so bad that I think sex should be something special, not just "Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am"?

There's a lot in between the Pedastal and Wham Bam Thank You Ma'am. You do seem to want the perfect night and you've been thinking about it for a long time and built it to so much that, to be honest, it's going to let you down when you do do it. That's not to say that you should just jump in the sack, wait until you're ready, but just know it's more than likely not going to live up to your expectations. Also, the guy really does care for you, you two probably already do love each other or are very close to that point. Sure, it could all blow up and end, but that's with any relationship, you trust this guy now (or at least you should), so if you're ready go through with it, but only if you want to, not because you're spending the night in a hotel together.

 

[DV8]

I wanna have sex but I've put so much pressure on myself to elevate this event to some sort of unreachable pedestal?

LMAO!!

best. comment. ever. (in this thread)

 

[DV8]

look, Angel . . . I think like Erz said you are making this WAY bigger of a deal than it is or should be . . . if you are uncomfortable about doing it with this hotel situation, then it is what it is

BUT

how much longer are you going to wait? you've been in a committed relationship for 5 months . . . that is CRAZY to me that you haven't had sex yet; I think if you really like him, you need to go for it . . . if not now, then how about you plan in your head a time in the not-so-distant future for this to happen . . . MAKE it that event that you want in your head; plan a sex date of sorts . . .

and definitely don't wait for him to make that move cuz he took months for the kiss to just happen

 

[Anubis]

I'm not gonna lie to you sweet heart....it's gonna hurt.

 

[Angel_Faerie]

I'm not gonna lie to you sweet heart....it's gonna hurt.

I know this. It's part of why I'm hesitating. Not a big fan of pain.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Sex is just kind of sex. The person is what is special. The sex is not different just the circumstances