The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[SpideyVille]

Did you specifically ask her out to said slice of pizza? If you were both hungry after said Final count (not sure what that is, exactly) and just happened to go get pizza, I would say no. Although it also depends on the content of said pizza eating outing. Was there flirtation? Physicality? Giggling?

If you both just sat there, eating pizza and making boring small talk, I'm gonna go with no. If there was the aforementioned actions, I would say quite possibly.

Yeah, there is this girl that saw me in my show last week and told my friend that she thought I was cute. After looking at my options, I decided to give her a shot to at least get to know her, so my friend gave me her number on Friday night after her show and we've been texting back and forth since. I figured it was time we finally spent some time together so I asked if she is going to be free tomorrow after her Final so that we could get a slice together.

She said she doesn't have plans so we're going to meet when she finishes taking the test. This is going to be the first time we really spend some time together alone and we both seem interested in each other, and I would actually like to see where this goes. I'm reserved and never really been on a "date" before, so I'm looking at changing that with her.

 

[WillardNation]

If she's been telling your friend that she thinks you're cute and wants to get to know you because she's interested in you, yes, it's a date.

 

[SpideyVille]

My initial thinking when I heard she thought I was cute was "Big Deal". But after my friend texted her saying that I was looking for her after the show the other night because I was going to give her back a quarter that she used in the show that fell and rolled to me, she sounded pissed. Plus, I noticed her doing some things that I used to do when I really wanted a girl that I liked to text me back, so I think she's interested so far.

At this point, I'm just trying not to mess it up.

 

[WillardNation]

Just relax. Focus on having a good time rather than "not messing it up". The best way to not mess it up is to not think about messing it up. lol

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Just relax. Focus on having a good time rather than "not messing it up". The best way to not mess it up is to not think about messing it up. lol

This is true. Whatever people may say about my girlfriend currently, lol, that's exactly what made our dates so successful in the early goings, just going out not worrying about ****.

Being too worried is going to mess up your attitude, even if you try to act not worried, and it can **** up your game so fast.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, the only thing that worries me is how I might come off. Like I don't want to seem too eager or desperate, but at the same time I don't want to seem disinterested to the point where she loses interests. Plus, this would be the first time we are alone together so I know its going to be a lot different that it is when we're just texting.

My friends keep telling me to stop thinking and just do, and I'll admit that I do overthink things too much, so I'm trying to just let things happen at this point, although I do know that I also have to make moves when needed. If anything, this will be good practice.

 

[WillardNation]

Just don't put the ***** on a pedestal.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yeah, the only thing that worries me is how I might come off. Like I don't want to seem too eager or desperate, but at the same time I don't want to seem disinterested to the point where she loses interests. Plus, this would be the first time we are alone together so I know its going to be a lot different that it is when we're just texting.

My friends keep telling me to stop thinking and just do, and I'll admit that I do overthink things too much, so I'm trying to just let things happen at this point, although I do know that I also have to make moves when needed. If anything, this will be good practice.

Just go and have fun, that's all you need to do.

 

[SpideyVille]

Okay so she just texted me saying she has to leave right after the test, so I'm not sure if I should suggest meeting some other day when she's around, or if I should just continue to ply it cool and act like its no big deal that she can't make it.

After dealing with the last few girls who seemed to be very flaky, I've developed a little fear of girls backing out on plans.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Okay so she just texted me saying she has to leave right after the test, so I'm not sure if I should suggest meeting some other day when she's around, or if I should just continue to ply it cool and act like its no big deal that she can't make it.

After dealing with the last few girls who seemed to be very flaky, I've developed a little fear of girls backing out on plans.

Never say "I'm cool with it" if you're not "cool" with "it". If she flakes out tell her so. Don't sell yourself short just to act like some disaffected individual, otherwise she'll just do it again and again until you get really mad and Hulk out on her. Or maybe she'll decide "well, I flaked out on him because I didn't really want to do this" and she'll essentially tell you to move on. Don't confuse flaking out with disinterest or rejection. People flake out because it's easier than following through, and for the most part people would rather stick to what's routine than try something different. If dating is your goal you have to appreciate the challenge women (actually people in general) present to you. You can't run from it. I'm not deterred by most things, including boyfriends, flakiness, and even rejection. None of those things are set in stone, things change.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Or you know, maybe she legitimately had to cancel and is really gutted about it cause she likes you.

Not every time someone cancels plans means they are flaking out.

So no, I wouldn't suggest telling someone you barely know 'That's really lame that you're flaking out on me'.

Just say 'Ah that's a shame. Oh well, maybe we can do something some other time.'

See what response you get back.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah I told her it sucks but to let me know when she's free. She said she is sorry and she will.

Not the best response, but since its the first time, I'll give her the benefit of the doubt. But this was the big issue I had with my best friend, whom I'm not speaking to at the moment because she would not only flake out, but just outright not show up when we made plans and she wouldn't even bother to let me know she wasn't going to make it. I find that as more of an offense because it was always up to me to check up on her. But I'm at the point where I noticed she only comes to me when she wants something, and if that's how the friendship is going to be, then I'm not going to bother anymore because I know my worth and I deserve better.

 

[Darthphere]

Never say "I'm cool with it" if you're not "cool" with "it". If she flakes out tell her so. Don't sell yourself short just to act like some disaffected individual, otherwise she'll just do it again and again until you get really mad and Hulk out on her. Or maybe she'll decide "well, I flaked out on him because I didn't really want to do this" and she'll essentially tell you to move on. Don't confuse flaking out with disinterest or rejection. People flake out because it's easier than following through, and for the most part people would rather stick to what's routine than try something different. If dating is your goal you have to appreciate the challenge women (actually people in general) present to you. You can't run from it. I'm not deterred by most things, including boyfriends, flakiness, and even rejection. None of those things are set in stone, things change.

Seriously? Yeah, the best response would be "Why are you flaking out on me?!" That's not going to make you look like a psychopath at all.

 

[Anubis]

Yeah.

How about, "tch.....alright, I understand. But don't think this doesn't affect your chances of getting a piece of all this....cuz it does. " Make sure to make that exact face, otherwise it all falls apart.

 

[twylight]

Yeah I told her it sucks but to let me know when she's free. She said she is sorry and she will.

Here's something I've indirectly learned. When something like that happens, always, off-handedly suggest another time.

"Oh, hey, no problem. Hope everything is okay. Would sometime next week/later this week be better?"

Something to let her know you're *serious* about doing this. Also a subtle 'in' to let her know you're sort of interested in what made her cancel.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Seriously? Yeah, the best response would be "Why are you flaking out on me?!" That's not going to make you look like a psychopath at all.

Why do you read it as such an extreme question? I've said exactly that, and it worked fine. In fact I don't think it's ever not worked.

Seriously, are you this insecure? I'm not a psychopath, so I could really care less if someone reads something I like and thinks "man, he's a psychopath". That's not a substantial thought at all, and anyone who would jump to such an inane conclusion would have to be deluded. Frankly if someone read something I texted, or took something so wildly out of context that's probably a good thing. Means I have some emotional pull on them. Also, what would that person have to hide in not answering that question? If they think it's intrusive, they'll tell you. If they have a reasonable explanation, they'll give it. If they don't they'll either try to meet you halfway or dump the whole thing (which they would've done anyways). Again: actions, not words. Don't ask for "maybes".

When you say "maybe we can do something another time" it makes the next time as infirm as the first. I'd either ask them straight up "why are you flaking out on me" (especially if the reason isn't given upfront, then they are simply flaking out on you) or not respond. There's no reason to respond to such a thing if you're NOT going to try to hold them to it.

 

[Anita18]

Here's something I've indirectly learned. When something like that happens, always, off-handedly suggest another time.

"Oh, hey, no problem. Hope everything is okay. Would sometime next week/later this week be better?"

Something to let her know you're *serious* about doing this. Also a subtle 'in' to let her know you're sort of interested in what made her cancel.

Yup. Nice people would note how you've given them a second chance, while also asking for follow-through.

Why do you read it as such an extreme question? I've said exactly that, and it worked fine. In fact I don't think it's ever not worked.

Seriously, are you this insecure? I'm not a psychopath, so I could really care less if someone reads something I like and thinks "man, he's a psychopath". That's not a substantial thought at all, and anyone who would jump to such an inane conclusion would have to be deluded. Frankly if someone read something I texted, or took something so wildly out of context that's probably a good thing. Means I have some emotional pull on them.

When you say "maybe we can do something another time" it makes the next time as infirm as the first. I'd either ask them straight up "why are you flaking out on me" (especially if the reason isn't given upfront, then they are simply flaking out on you) or not respond. There's no reason to respond to such a thing if you're NOT going to try to hold them to it.

And maybe you like the drama queens that would be all right with direct, downright jerkish questions like that. Not everyone is the same.

I have a job with a very amorphous schedule. I have to stay until my work is done, there is no "clocking out when I've hit my hours." If I want to leave early or take time off, I really have to plan ahead. And sometimes machines break. The options are to wait until the entire experiment is finished anyway (making me several hours behind), or ditch the experiment and waste sometimes an entire week's worth of work. I usually choose the former, because I want to be helpful for my labmates and my boss. My boss hasn't threatened to fire me, but I've never chosen the latter option. There's also a general expectation for people working in labs that you stay until your work is finished, come hell or high water.

Thus, it's not unheard of me to be late or have to cancel plans. If someone asked, "Why are you flaking out on me?" when I called for a raincheck, you think he'll take "I'm stuck at work?" for an answer? No, I'd scratch him off my dating list pronto.

But the girls you're with seem to be okay with that. It really depends on how picky you are and what kind of people you want to attract.

In fact, the first time I had to postpone plans with my then-bf, he was totally chill and all right with it, and it actually took me for a loop because I had NEVER come across anyone so forgiving. And it actually made me feel bad. I actually try harder with him, but often, work takes longer than I think it does. And it's not because I don't care or because I'm a jerk, it just does.

 

[Darthphere]

God forbid as adults, someone might be busy or actually have something to do or not feel the need to explain every move of their life to someone. Honestly, it's not about being insecure it's about not being an ******* at every turn.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

God forbid as adults, someone might be busy or actually have something to do or not feel the need to explain every move of their life to someone. Honestly, it's not about being insecure it's about not being an ******* at every turn.

As I say, you have a very, very low threshold for the term ***hole, which to me communicates a lot of insecurity and social cowardice honestly. If someone asks me that I would not wig out and call them an a**hole.

"Are we on for tonight"
"No, can't make it"
"Why are you flaking out on me?"
"I have work"

Wow, that's one horrifying conversation. Someone call the police, someone may have gotten offended by that horrible invasion of privacy.

Anyone who'd fly off the handle over such a minor inquiry is, frankly, so thin skinned my sense of humor probably would've scarred them off a long time ago.

My time is not worthless to me, nor do I treat it that way. Remember: actions, not words. Honestly, I'm sure most people are nice people who idly let their schedules get in the way of plans simply because they aren't actively thinking about them all the time. I understand completely, doesn't mean I tolerate it.

If I make plans with you I kind of want you to, I dunno, committ to them. For example, I stay late at work now so I don't have to do it later. I *might* think to do that.

It's not about being an a**hole, it's about being honest, and quit using "nice" as a means to buffer them from your REAL feelings. If her "flaking" is "no big deal" and you didn't honestly want the date then respond: "no big deal, maybe some other time". If you're confused, feel betrayed, feel as though she's placing you ahead of something you feel she could've avoided or planned for, by all means say so.

Why do her/him any favors?

This reminds me of my roommate, who by the way, as far as I know, never has had a girlfriend since we've lived together. I've had two. One day he encountered a bum who is very annoying, hits us up for money. My roommate had no intention of paying him, but had nice conversation he didn't want to be having on the deck with this guy. He wouldn't leave. My roommate wanted him to leave. So I went outside and said "hey, stop begging for money and get the f*** off my porch, NOW!".

My roommate was taken aback and said to me later "he's human, you should treat him nicely".

Let's really look at who was "nice". One roommate strung him along, making him think he was buttering him up, hoping he would take out his wallet and pay him. The other told him very clearly what he wasn't getting and he left.

If you're being very nice to someone while they are doing something that upsets you then you're actually being more prickish than anyone else in the room. It's seedy and dishonest. I don't trust anyone who won't at least have one good disagreement, or who won't ever get angry at me, how can I? That person stands for nothing. They won't even stand up for themselves, how exactly are they supposed to stand up to me? Or stand up for me? Or with me?

 

[Erzengel]

I think I'd joke with her and say, "Oh, I see how it is."

I don't think I'd necessarily say "Why are you flaking on me?"

 

[Anita18]

Gotta say, tone is a huge part of what makes questions work. Especially when they look very aggressive on paper.

"WHY ARE YOU FLAKING OUT ON ME??? " is obviously psycho and deserves mace to the face. Without context and your insistence that people here have to be more aggressive, we think that's what you're telling them to say.

"Hah, why are you flaking out on me? " is teasing and obviously less aggressive.

I still wouldn't use that exact wording, though. It's not my style. I'm not sure I would date someone who used that wording, even if they were joking. My bf tried to pull a couple of bad jokes in that vein on me, and I think my expressed what I thought of them.

 

[SpideyVille]

I'm not going to get upset at her because this is really the first time. If she continues to flake out on plans, then I wouldn't even bother with her. Plus, I must say I appreciate the fact that she told me ahead of time that she wasn't going to make it because that way I didn't go through the whole day expecting something and then being disappointed.

My only concern now is if I should wait a while before asking her again, because I don't want to seem too persistent or over eager. I'm not in any rush or anything because I like where this is going and I feel good about where it can go, but I also don't want to get too comfortable.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

As I say, you have a very, very low threshold for the term ***hole, which to me communicates a lot of insecurity and social cowardice honestly. If someone asks me that I would not wig out and call them an a**hole.

"Are we on for tonight"
"No, can't make it"
"Why are you flaking out on me?"
"I have work"

Wow, that's one horrifying conversation. Someone call the police, someone may have gotten offended by that horrible invasion of privacy.

And here's how the conversation would go if it was me you were accused of flaking out:

'Are we on for tonight?'
'No, i'm so sorry, I can't make it'
'Why are you flaking out on me?'
'... I'm not flaking out on you, I genuinely can't make it'

And I leave that conversation thinking 'okay, that was a bit off'.

I don't know if maybe flaking out or being flakey means something different where your from. But in my world, being accused of being flakey is an insult. So yeah, it would piss me off if a guy I had agreed to go out on one date with, accused me of being flakey because I cancelled on him ONCE.

It has nothing to do with honesty. That's like saying when you first see an overweight person, you should tell them they are fat.

You don't just hurl insults and accusations at someone.

 

[Erzengel]

When are the Finals over?

 

[Darthphere]

As I say, you have a very, very low threshold for the term ***hole, which to me communicates a lot of insecurity and social cowardice honestly. If someone asks me that I would not wig out and call them an a**hole.

"Are we on for tonight"
"No, can't make it"
"Why are you flaking out on me?"
"I have work"

Wow, that's one horrifying conversation. Someone call the police, someone may have gotten offended by that horrible invasion of privacy.

Anyone who'd fly off the handle over such a minor inquiry is, frankly, so thin skinned my sense of humor probably would've scarred them off a long time ago.

My time is not worthless to me, nor do I treat it that way. Remember: actions, not words. Honestly, I'm sure most people are nice people who idly let their schedules get in the way of plans simply because they aren't actively thinking about them all the time. I understand completely, doesn't mean I tolerate it.

If I make plans with you I kind of want you to, I dunno, committ to them. For example, I stay late at work now so I don't have to do it later. I *might* think to do that.

It's not about being an a**hole, it's about being honest, and quit using "nice" as a means to buffer them from your REAL feelings. If her "flaking" is "no big deal" and you didn't honestly want the date then respond: "no big deal, maybe some other time". If you're confused, feel betrayed, feel as though she's placing you ahead of something you feel she could've avoided or planned for, by all means say so.

Why do her/him any favors?

This reminds me of my roommate, who by the way, as far as I know, never has had a girlfriend since we've lived together. I've had two. One day he encountered a bum who is very annoying, hits us up for money. My roommate had no intention of paying him, but had nice conversation he didn't want to be having on the deck with this guy. He wouldn't leave. My roommate wanted him to leave. So I went outside and said "hey, stop begging for money and get the f*** off my porch, NOW!".

My roommate was taken aback and said to me later "he's human, you should treat him nicely".

Let's really look at who was "nice". One roommate strung him along, making him think he was buttering him up, hoping he would take out his wallet and pay him. The other told him very clearly what he wasn't getting and he left.

If you're being very nice to someone while they are doing something that upsets you then you're actually being more prickish than anyone else in the room. It's seedy and dishonest. I don't trust anyone who won't at least have one good disagreement, or who won't ever get angry at me, how can I? That person stands for nothing. They won't even stand up for themselves, how exactly are they supposed to stand up to me? Or stand up for me? Or with me?

And here's how the conversation would go if it was me you were accused of flaking out:

'Are we on for tonight?'
'No, i'm so sorry, I can't make it'
'Why are you flaking out on me?'
'... I'm not flaking out on you, I genuinely can't make it'

And I leave that conversation thinking 'okay, that was a bit off'.

I don't know if maybe flaking out or being flakey means something different where your from. But in my world, being accused of being flakey is an insult. So yeah, it would piss me off if a guy I had agreed to go out on one date with, accused me of being flakey because I cancelled on him ONCE.

It has nothing to do with honesty. That's like saying when you first see an overweight person, you should tell them they are fat.

You don't just hurl insults and accusations at someone.

Exactly.

I mean you love to accuse people of being insecure but to me, asking someone "Why are you flaking out on me?" is the epitome of a question an insecure person asks.