The Lord of the Advice: The Two Towering Relationships thread

[SpideyVille]

When are the Finals over?

Most people should be done by tomorrow or Thursday. I'm already done and am just waiting for Graduation next week. But seeing as how I live close by the campus and am low on cash, meeting up there and doing something in the neighborhood where we can just be alone and get to know each other is just easier.

 

[Erzengel]

Call Friday.

 

[twylight]

Anita: I also have very flexible hours at work, and since I have a family where someone always has a game or some ceremony happening, I've had to cancel on plans with friends (albeit rarely).

One friend gets extremely upset and has been blunt, not joking, with 'So you're flaking on me?' sort of comments. I cancelled casual plans with her because I was going the opposite direction for some last minute work related event, ended up carpooling with another friend, and she accused me ditching her to spend time with him.

It's super off putting to have that with a 'friend'. I can't imagine having that, even joking from a guy I was going to on a date with for the first time.

I'm not going to get upset at her because this is really the first time. If she continues to flake out on plans, then I wouldn't even bother with her. Plus, I must say I appreciate the fact that she told me ahead of time that she wasn't going to make it because that way I didn't go through the whole day expecting something and then being disappointed.

My only concern now is if I should wait a while before asking her again, because I don't want to seem too persistent or over eager. I'm not in any rush or anything because I like where this is going and I feel good about where it can go, but I also don't want to get too comfortable.

Wait a day or two and then ask about doing something next week some time.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Exactly.

I mean you love to accuse people of being insecure but to me, asking someone "Why are you flaking out on me?" is the epitome of a question an insecure person asks.

I agree, I'd never accuse someone of flaking if they asked to reschedule once. Life does get in the way. Flaking is when that action is repeated. I've got a friend that flakes out on plans often, so I just stopped calling and if he made plans, always took it with a grain of salt, knowing they could change in a second.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm not going to get upset at her because this is really the first time. If she continues to flake out on plans, then I wouldn't even bother with her. Plus, I must say I appreciate the fact that she told me ahead of time that she wasn't going to make it because that way I didn't go through the whole day expecting something and then being disappointed.

My only concern now is if I should wait a while before asking her again, because I don't want to seem too persistent or over eager. I'm not in any rush or anything because I like where this is going and I feel good about where it can go, but I also don't want to get too comfortable.

Isn't this the only time?I don't remember whether you said y'all went out or not before, but at least from this page I gathered this was the first ask out. I would say wait and see if she breaks the silence. Maybe after like ten days or a week if she hasn't responded at all move on, or shoot her a very idle text like "how you doing?". If she is really interested in you she should contact you in some way or try to reschedule. If not, well, it may be a lost cause, but if you're going to try again don't be so serious about what it is. Just be like "we should hang sometime". So you're not asking her on the actual date yet, just seeing what she would think of a one on one. The future flakiness is always built into the response to that kind of a question. You'll either get an "I dunno when, I'm really busy all the time" or a "sure! that would be cool".

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Exactly.

I mean you love to accuse people of being insecure but to me, asking someone "Why are you flaking out on me?" is the epitome of a question an insecure person asks.

No, it really isn't because I'm not afraid of the answer. Insecure people buffer their responses to people because they want that person's perception of them to uphold their own perception of themselves. When I ask a question I just want an answer. If their is a personal judgement that comes from the answer I don't care. I've been called a jerk before, doesn't mean I think I'm a jerk. Just like someone calling me fat doesn't actually make me fat. The point of the question is to put someone on the spot, whether they are personally offended I really could care less.

 

[SpideyVille]

My friend just said she saw her studying in the library so I know she actually has things to do and isn't ditching me to do something else that's not productive. The last thing I want to do is create a burden or a headache when there's no need for it.

 

[Darthphere]

No, it really isn't because I'm not afraid of the answer. Insecure people buffer their responses to people because they want that person's perception of them to uphold their own perception of themselves. When I ask a question I just want an answer. If their is a personal judgement that comes from the answer I don't care. I've been called a jerk before, doesn't mean I think I'm a jerk. Just like someone calling me fat doesn't actually make me fat. The point of the question is to put someone on the spot, whether they are personally offended I really could care less.

That's ridiculous. To me, a person that is not insecure would get cancelled on and be like **** it, I'll do something else instead of demanding a reason. I mean, the question can be innocent enough but it's honestly not an answer I care about.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

No, it really isn't because I'm not afraid of the answer. Insecure people buffer their responses to people because they want that person's perception of them to uphold their own perception of themselves. When I ask a question I just want an answer. If their is a personal judgement that comes from the answer I don't care. I've been called a jerk before, doesn't mean I think I'm a jerk. Just like someone calling me fat doesn't actually make me fat. The point of the question is to put someone on the spot, whether they are personally offended I really could care less.

You might not think of yourself as a jerk, but Hitler didn't think of himself as evil either.

Obvious exaggeration is obvious, but obvious point is also obvious.

Being like "why are you flaking on me" isn't honestly searching for an answer. It is, even if subtly, hurling accusations towards someone who could very well honest to goodness have other priorities that demand their time and attention.

A more appropriate response to someone cancelling plans would be like "Oh that sucks, what happened?"

You are asking the same question, there is no personal emotions involved, and there are no accusations of calling someone a flake.

When they respond and say "I'm sorry, I just have so much studying I have to do with finals", you then respond with "Alright, well let's get together when finals are over. Your last final is on Thursday, right? How about we grab some drinks on Friday night?"

Every objective you wanted of being secure, of wanting your answer, and of rescheduling is done without getting all pissy and hurling accusations.

Insecurity may have to do with people seeking the acceptance of others, and hiding their own true feelings to gain that acceptance, but insecurity also includes always assuming the worst case scenario when anything and everything goes away from the script. Saying "why are you flaking on me?" is assuming that the person is maliciously flaking on you, which is a sign of insecurity.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, I'll confess that the first girl that I liked who started showing flaky behavior, I put up with it for a while until I realized it was something personal. Even though she said she was busy, she would still find time for everyone else except me, even though she claimed to care about me a lot and said that I was very special to her.

I gave her the same silent treatment for a few weeks until she came asking me what was up. I put her on the spot and called her out on her BS, and all that did was lead her to not talk to me for good. We eventually ran into each other months later and I apologized for how I handled the situation and things seemed cool, until I saw her being flaky again. So i pretended to have an urgent emergency that I needed her help with, just so I could get her to see me. That's when I had a serious talk with her and said we couldn't be friends because she wasn't offering me anything, and I just walked away from her and left her in my past. It was much easier to move on doing that than confronting her about it the way that I did the first time.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yeah, I'll confess that the first girl that I liked who started showing flaky behavior, I put up with it for a while until I realized it was something personal. Even though she said she was busy, she would still find time for everyone else except me, even though she claimed to care about me a lot and said that I was very special to her.

I gave her the same silent treatment for a few weeks until she came asking me what was up. I put her on the spot and called her out on her BS...

When she comes asking what's up after a long stretch of time that's not the time to put her on blast, unless of course you really wanted her to hear what a whatever she was. You don't do silent treatment then blast them. That's akin to punishing someone way after the crime was committed. Also if she breaks the silence then she is trying to make ammends for flaking out on you, and that's a good sign.

 

[CConn]

Alright, I normally keep these kinds of things to myself, but it's been months now and it's still kinda nagging at me, so I might as well vent...

To be perfectly honest, I'm a pretty solitary guy. I can handle not dating someone for a while or not having total intimacy with a girl you're kinda in the "feeling out" stages with or breaking up with a girl, I'm pretty cool with all of that.

But there was two non-romantic relationships I really valued very highly. The one is with my sister (which is perfectly okay, although she can be the immature 18yo she is, at times), and my best friend, Steve, that I've known since I was 16.

Anyway, about two years ago, I was going through a lot of troubles with a girl. And I messed up, and I acted immature, and I acted like a dick, and I was totally in the world at a certain point. And Steve became friends with her, and very heavily took her side when things when bad. Apparently how I was behaving reminded him of his father and some psycho-babble such as that. Anyway, he pretty much ended our friendship after that. Despite me working on my failings (and correcting them for the most part), and regaining the forgiveness and respect of the girl, I was never able to get his respect back.

Since then, I've just not been able to connect with anyone on that kind of level since. I'm sociably, I have a pretty solid circle of friends who hang out weekly or bi-weekly and I enjoy them a lot, but no one's been able to kinda fill that best friend void. And nothing has ever really affected me as thoroughly and as long as the loss of his friendship has.

I dunno, it just really opened my eyes to how important - and apparently rare - that type of connection and friendship is. And, again, it's really surprised me just how profoundly it has affected me since.

 

[Erzengel]

Quick question, did your friend, Steve have a thing for your ex?

I've actually know someone who had a best friend when she was younger and she moved away and they kept in touch but during high school, just grew apart. And although, she had other friends in high school and college, she never had that connection like she had with her childhood friend.

I think it really soured her towards other friendships. She always had low expectations for a lot of people and easily wrote them off especially when they effed up.

 

[CConn]

No, he didn't at all. And she didn't either.

The real crux of everything was the fact my bad behavior reminded him of his father and he was always kind of emotionally stubborn.

 

[Erzengel]

Well, you admitted to your failings which is all you could have done, but Steve really showed his failings by being so unforgivable. I mean you were what 21 and because he had some daddy issues, he threw away your friendship?

I know you aren't looking for validation for anything.

But what you're experiencing like I said, isn't uncommon. Those really great relationships are difficult to replace and I think jades us towards other friendships especially when they go South.

 

[CConn]

Yeah, I know, I'm not particularly jaded, though. I wouldn't be adverse or fearful of getting to know someone like that again.

It's just still kinda hard that that's not there for me right now. Other emotional stuff that wouldn't bother much in the past, suddenly means a bit more because there's that lack of...support. It both sucks...and kinda surprising.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're friend has decided to cut you off.

It doesn't matter what you did, if you've owned it and made amends, if someone really means something to you, you forgive them.

And it sucks when you think you mean that much to someone, and it turns out you don't. That they are quite happy to live without you.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Alright, I normally keep these kinds of things to myself, but it's been months now and it's still kinda nagging at me, so I might as well vent...

To be perfectly honest, I'm a pretty solitary guy. I can handle not dating someone for a while or not having total intimacy with a girl you're kinda in the "feeling out" stages with or breaking up with a girl, I'm pretty cool with all of that.

But there was two non-romantic relationships I really valued very highly. The one is with my sister (which is perfectly okay, although she can be the immature 18yo she is, at times), and my best friend, Steve, that I've known since I was 16.

Anyway, about two years ago, I was going through a lot of troubles with a girl. And I messed up, and I acted immature, and I acted like a dick, and I was totally in the world at a certain point. And Steve became friends with her, and very heavily took her side when things when bad. Apparently how I was behaving reminded him of his father and some psycho-babble such as that. Anyway, he pretty much ended our friendship after that. Despite me working on my failings (and correcting them for the most part), and regaining the forgiveness and respect of the girl, I was never able to get his respect back.

Since then, I've just not been able to connect with anyone on that kind of level since. I'm sociably, I have a pretty solid circle of friends who hang out weekly or bi-weekly and I enjoy them a lot, but no one's been able to kinda fill that best friend void. And nothing has ever really affected me as thoroughly and as long as the loss of his friendship has.

I dunno, it just really opened my eyes to how important - and apparently rare - that type of connection and friendship is. And, again, it's really surprised me just how profoundly it has affected me since.

Sounds like Steve forgot the golden rule "bros before hoes." Steve sounds like a crappy friend. Sorry you had to find out the way you did, but yeah people disappoint you in life and friends have falling outs. Time to move past it.

 

[Anubis]

Well, he admits that he was being a *****e at the time.

I don't know, takes a certain type of integrity to ditch a life long friend because of the way he treated his woman.....admirable in a way. Means he puts some things above friendship. Like honor, and, like, not being a *****e.

It's a rare thing that integrity. Personally, I think it's for suckas but then I am a *****e.

 

[JJJ's Ulcer]

Well, he admits that he was being a *****e at the time.

I don't know, takes a certain type of integrity to ditch a life long friend because of the way he treated his woman.....admirable in a way. Means he puts some things above friendship. Like honor, and, like, not being a *****e.

It's a rare thing that integrity. Personally, I think it's for suckas but then I am a *****e.

It would help if CConn gave us more information on exactly WHAT he did. Otherwise it's hard to gauge whether he was the bigger dick or his friend Steve. It's quite possible Steve's actions were admirable, but it's equally possible Steve is a self-righteous *****nozzle who drops friends like Verizon calls.

 

[Erzengel]

Unless he was beating on her or mentally abusing her, I don't know what he could have possibly done to warrant his friend discarding his relationship especially after he made efforts to improve his behavior.

I mean I think most people here have friends who have cheated on their significant others. We might not have agreed with that or other courses of actions they might have done in the past, but as a friend unless they are doing something so destructive, one should be supportive.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Unless he was beating on her or mentally abusing her, I don't know what he could have possibly done to warrant his friend discarding his relationship especially after he made efforts to improve his behavior.

I mean I think most people here have friends who have cheated on their significant others. We might not have agreed with that or other courses of actions they might have done in the past, but as a friend unless they are doing something so destructive, one should be supportive.

Agreed.

Good people do bad things. If you care about them at all, you don't cast them out, you try to help them. You try to be there for them as much as you can.

For instance, My best friend once started sleeping with another of our friends boyfriend behind her back. It put me in this horrible position, where out of loyalty to my bf, I had to lie to another friend.

We very nearly fell out over that. I agreed not to say anything at first, but this girl was a good friend of mine and she was upset that something didn't feel right and kept talking to me about it. Other friends of hers new about it too, which made it even worse. Everyone was lying too her.

I ended up crying and screaming at my best friend, saying how wrong it was and how unfair it was of her to exploit my loyalty to her for something so immoral.

It came out in the end, and the other girl never really got over the fact that no one had told her. And I consider it to this day the worst thing I've ever done, and I did it for my best friend, so I kind of resented her for it.

Never broke our friendship though. We were young, she was into lots of bad things at the time, and she knew it was wrong.

I'd never hold it against her now.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Okay, on the flip side of this, what do you do when a friend likes you much much more than you like them?

I don't mean romantically btw.

It's just there is this girl I hang out with a lot. Our group of friends tends to be just whoever happens to be there. It's a small town, we're pretty much of the 'more the merrier' variety when it comes to our social group.

Last couple of years though, me and this girl have been the only two females. She's going out with one of the guys... And I just am one of the guys lol.

But because we're connected through gender, obviously we do a lot together. And she talks to me a lot and I try and be a good friend to her. If she's upset and leaves a party crying, I'm straight up running out the door after her. If she calls me at 2 in the morning, I tell her to come stay at mine.

But TBH, I don't actually like her all that much. She's incredibly negative, selfish and a bit spacey. And any time we spend alone, especially sober, is so dull and uncomfortable.

But because I've been a good friend, and because she doesn't really have a lot of friends, I think she's sees me as her best friend.

So now I'm moving away, she's decided she wants to tag along. She keeps saying 'I might have to stay with you for a bit while I'm looking for a job'.

And I keep trying to avoid talking about it, hoping she just won't get around to doing it (she still lives at home with her mum right now, and has a part time shop job).

But she's going to this job fair in my new town tomorrow and i'm just really scared she's actually going to follow me.

I'm trying to run away from my stupid life here, from this town and all the people that, although they are my friends, have been dragging me down. The drinking, the drugs, the casual sex... All of it! I want a new life, a fresh start.

And now it seems like that's impossible because my old life is following me and will cling to me like a bad smell.

Because if she comes, her boyfriend will follow. And then so will his friends, and my old housemate and everything will just be the same but in a bigger city.

What the hell should I do?

 

[Erzengel]

Be somewhat honest?

Say listen, Hedra, I'm looking to make a fresh new start in a new town and I'm going to need some time on my own to get things settled the way I want it. Say I'm not looking to having a roommate when my life is going to be hectic.

Then, if you want, since you are going to have a new life. Get a new cell phone and only give the people you want your new number and cancel the old one.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Seriously, already said all of this too her. She's not getting it/ not listening. Like I said, she's spacey and can be quite selfish.

I really don't wanna hurt her. She's only 19 and obviously a bit of a lost lamb and doesn't want to be left behind. And I get that. But she's got plenty of time to work on getting her own life and her own dreams, not latching onto mine.

I may have to be cruel to be kind if it gets nearer the time and she's still saying 'I might have to stay with you'.

And yeah, I thought about the phone number thing. But then I'd have to delete my facebook account/block people as well. Besides, there are friends I'd like to keep in touch with that'd probably fall out with me if I was that harsh to the girl.