I think all of us think about dying or at least most. I've thought about. Yet I'm 24 with connections to a top film studio close to attaining my dream career thanks to some really awesome mentors and I was an extra in Batman - any fan's dream. So most looking at that would probably think I'm the least likely to think about it. Basically, no matter how good one's life is, there's always that temptation for everyone - or at least that's what I believe.
I've sometimes wondered what it's like to say, jump off a building, but mostly for the sensation of falling.
I don't want to die, and I'm afraid of pain. So that's why I don't jump off buildings, even if I sometimes want to see what it feels like.
Amusingly, I don't really have the curiosity to go skydiving. It's just that I jump off buildings in my dreams, and fly around. That's probably where the curiosity comes from. I'm sure that's nothing like real life though.
Basically I think we all have that temptation because no matter how good life may be or seem to others, there might be other things in your life that eat away at you no matter how small they are. Explaining how people who seem happy only later turn out to commit suicide the next day. Or how people we'd expect to be content, due to where they are and all they seem to have, give it all away by taking their own life causing people to ask why. I kind of view it as poison that's able to seep in from time to time, but one that people usually are able to cure by finding something to hold on to. Basically, something that most - or at least I think - people go through throughout life regardless of how much or little they seemingly have. Not a constant thing, but something that appears to be constant depending on whatever triggers it.
Such people are actually quite unhappy, but put on a mask to cope. Sometimes they're really good at it. My sister's friend committed suicide in high school, and it was horrible since he seemed happy and had a lot of friends. She only knew that he was having some problems with his family, but had no idea it was that bad. None of his friends knew, because he didn't ever let go of his mask. He didn't let anyone in. In that way, suicide is immensely selfish because you think you know what's best for everybody. That everyone would be totally fine if you weren't in the picture anymore, even though it's 100% completely
not true. My sister and her friends took forever to get over the guilt, to realize that they couldn't help him because he didn't let them. I don't think it's something I would wish on my worst enemy.
I'm a persistent optimist, so I can't relate to what you're saying. At all. Nothing eats at me. I'm being very truthful when I say that. Even when my life is bad, I still have good things I can hold onto. I just don't let the bad stuff get to me. I've also been lucky in that not toooo many bad things has happened to me, but I know people who have great lives and hold onto every little teeny bad thing that happens to them every day. I have no idea how they function - I'm sure they'll all keel over from stress-induced heart attacks at 45. It's no way to live.
My boss's friend from grad school committed suicide, and it seemed like she had everything - great career as a doctor, a family, a house, everything was set. But she was depressed, and having all this great stuff on paper didn't help with it. Having a great life doesn't mean you're automatically happy. All that has to come from inside. Truly happy people don't commit suicide when they're healthy.
I confess to being a chronic mask wearer lol. Also despite being at my dream company, with dream mentors, sometimes I feel like hanging up the capes and calling it quits because while I have a gift it's also my curse since what gave me the gift was my parents giving me away and never getting to know them. So, I basically just feel like a celebrated piece of trash most of the time. I just hang on, at this point, really for my family, friends and out of a sense of obligation due to being given 'a voice' that I need to share because I have it. I should note I'm a writer... so, that probably doesn't say much (into that "old-age" joke about us and dentists).
You can't think of yourself like that. Your parents gave you away because they loved you. They didn't think they'd be good enough to raise you, so they gave you up to a family they thought could do better.
If they thought you were trash, they would have done a lot worse to you than simply give you up for adoption....
