Confession is good for the Hype. - - - Part 12

[The Original Bamfer]

Which will never happen. Here's a thought - you don't like it? You can shut the hell up and not further it. Or is that beyond your low level of intelligence that you can't just ignore things?

I guess my low level of intelligence lead me to believe this is a message board where people interact with one another. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who's furthering it. You're imploding, kiddo, and you don't need anyone's help with that.

 

[KRYPTON INC.]

Which will never happen. Here's a thought - you don't like it? You can shut the hell up and not further it. Or is that beyond your low level of intelligence that you can't just ignore things? That's the funniest thing of all. I'm just using an anonymous outlet while you guys are the ones who seem to seek it out. I mean, you keep coming back here despite not liking hearing about it - does someone have a gun pressed to your head demanding that you do that? No. So, if you don't like hearing about it - why do you keep going back to hear about it? An intelligent person would not do that.

Ultimate... Do you feel that this inner need to sell yourself, even when you are anonymous is a positive or a negative thing? If you feel it's something you should moderate, and it's something others notice and feel is also negative, then perhaps moderating is something you could consider.

Again, I am trying to be constructive here.

 

[Ultimatehero]

I guess my low level of intelligence lead me to believe this is a message board where people interact with one another. But I'm pretty sure I'm not the one who's furthering it. You're imploding, kiddo, and you don't need anyone's help with that.

Interact? Krypton is interacting. You came in and have just been slewing insults left and right. That's not interacting.

As said anyone who:
1) sees it as a guessing game - I don't say because I don't want people to know, not because I want them to guess. I've never even said anything remotely like, "guess who it is." I use descriptive terms because I don't want you to know.
2) complains that this is taking up their night - well, I never forced you into making a big deal of this, you made a big deal out of this by your own volition.

 

[DarkSentinel]

I'm not getting involved here, but I've never had a problem with Ultimate as yet. He's always cool in the Writers' Thread. But I also vehemently despise narcissism, so I'm now conflicted.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Interact? Krypton is interacting. You came in and have just been slewing insults left and right. That's not interacting.

As said anyone who:
1) sees it as a guessing game - I don't say because I don't want people to know, not because I want them to guess.
2) complains that this is taking up their night - well, I never forced you into making a big deal of this, you did by your own volition.

It's not a big deal. Dude, everything that happens to you is not a big deal.

I don't think I was being insulting, 'just being myself. I'm sorry if my incredibly logical point of view has upset you. Just please don't turn it into a 'thing'. You've got enough of those.

 

[Ultimatehero]

Ultimate... Do you feel that this inner need to sell yourself, even when you are anonymous is a positive or a negative thing? If you feel it's something you should moderate, and it's something others notice and feel is also negative, then perhaps moderating is something you could consider.

Again, I am trying to be constructive here.

Many questions here:

Have people viewed this as a negative thing?

No. It has always drawn a positive response and has pulled people to me.

Do I view it as a positive thing?

This is a more complicated answer.

Yes and no. Do I like that people finally notice me in a positive light and want to be around me when they find out? Without a doubt yes.

Do I like that sometimes the only reason people are around me is because of this? Definitely not, no - but as pathetic as this sounds something is better than nothing.

You also have to take into account I have a really broken psyche. All my life wondering what was wrong with me and why I was left for dead. And living 22 years like that. Then in the last 3 finally mattering to people. It's almost like I don't matter, but what I do does so at least I have something after so many years of being nothing.

And the part of narcissism that I fear? The more I'm around people that latch onto me, the more my self-esteem builds. And -- going from nothing to something? Is just about the hardest thing to go through because everything is conflictual due to that. If I felt like my life mattered at all before I got something that brings people to me? I would not be in this position I am today.

I'm also in a new community now. We all had to introduce ourselves and a bit about us. I was frightened stiff because the last thing I wanted to do was lead them into knowing or finding out about this. I want to try to see if they can like me for me. So I said as little as possible and avoided this completely. That said, however, if I need to mention it later so some people will notice me and want to be there for and with me - then I'll sell my soul despite not wanting to. Because something is better than nothing.

The main and key thing is this - without this, I think I'm below everybody (literally everyone - I think I'm trash). But with this? I feel balanced and level with everyone. So it's not really narcissism because that would be thinking I'm godly as much as it is fearing that this will go away or be overshadowed and I'll be sub-human again. Being thrown out after your born can do that.

So really my whole confession isn't something that builds me up at all - rather self-depracating and depressing.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I went from someone to no one, but I still had people who legitimately cared about me. Success should have nothing to do with it. You're using it to create relationships, but when you allow people to burn you because of it, you have to expect to be, well, burned. And I can't understand how you have such high self-esteem when people are constantly letting you down. The small bit of false friendship must mean more to you than the pain of said "friends" using you. Change that. Find people who will like you for who you really are, not for what you can do for them. It's in your hands, but it really seems like you're content with a cycle that would actually damage most people.

 

[Ultimatehero]

Not high self-esteem, level self-esteem. Me talking high or people drawn to me doesn't make me feel better than, it just makes me feel balanced and not like waste someone threw out.

The main and key thing is this - without this, I think I'm below everybody (literally everyone - I think I'm trash). But with this? I feel balanced and level. So it's not really narcissism because that would be thinking I'm godly as much as it is fearing that this will go away or be overshadowed and I'll be sub-human again. Being thrown out after your born can do that.

Problem is - this happens to some, not all - when you're given away as a baby you tend to see yourself as faulty and like anybody around you if given the chance would want a "take back" because there's something 'wrong' with it. It doesn't make sense, but that is the starting psyche of not knowing why anyone would like me for me since the two people who were supposed to got rid of me the second I was born. It's really a hard thing to explain how that kind of a psyche works.

Hell, the only reason I'm here and where I am career-wise is because without being successful? I have difficulty figuring out why I was never aborted and just killed in the first place. So, it's always a striving to make my life mean something so that there's a reason I'm alive. And so that my mom's sacrifice in sending me away (complications, duality in thinking, makes it difficult to explain) can mean something and doesn't go to waste. Basically my whole life is around proving that I had a reason to be alive. "Striving to make proud people I've never met" (yes, 'Teen Wolf' reference but I relate a lot to Jackson there - they nailed that insecurity perfectly).

My whole existence is built around trying to feel human rather than an alien.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

I get it. But the way to maintain a level self-esteem is to acknowledge positive inner traits unrelated to success that will win real friends over. You're not going to be defined by your success, but by who you are as a person. You can't continue to rely on cheap acquaintances - you need to rely on yourself. Then everything will work itself out. You'll begin to attract the right kind of people and realize that, regardless of your past, you mean something to people then.

Again, you, as a person, will be the only thing that defines you to people who actually care about you, not your connections.

 

[KRYPTON INC.]

My older brother is adopted, so while I don't have first hand life experience I have some inkling of the adopted experience.

I also know, from life experience, that for many, many good reasons, you have to "Get over yourself".... That's not a jab at you, it's more like, the inevitable starting point of maturity. Something that, quite frankly from the way you present yourself here on the Hype, I think you are far from reaching the threshold of yet. If your childhood experience is indeed some horror show, then I apologize. If it wasn't, then I must say you are not coming off well here in the least.

Now I know that your response could well be, "I don't care what you or anyone thinks." Fair enough. The question then remains WHY do you feel the need to reveal, yet not reveal these things about your professional life on a constant basis, and why do you often talk about your adoptee status, also on a regular basis, if you don't want people to comment, engage or react? This sounds like needy behavior to me, and that's not the mark of the centered and mature man of the world. (I make no claim to being one of those either. I fail more than I succeed that's for damn sure.)

 

[Ultimatehero]

Years in therapy, I still don't see any positive inner traits or what I'm good for. Which, I know how pathetic that sounds. But, all I can see is someone who knows how to write and entertain (which landed the connections and career) but beyond that is nothing. I've literally spent the majority of my life being cast aside by everyone around me except for the people "forced" to be with me - adoptive family; they've always been supportive - but yet again, family doesn't choose to like you or not. So, I find it hard to come up with things I am good for. The only recent lasting connections are these contacts who have taken me under their wing - and I think there because I come off as raw, talented, and forever in pursuit. Or basically what drew people to James Dean and etc. Those silent brooders sulking in the corner and breaking apart, but intriguing by being able to bring those raw emotions to the table.

I'm not centered, I'm not mature, I am childish - getting lots of money is another thing I'm scared about because there's a very good chance I'll fall apart and let loose. As I've self-destructed numerous times before, and that was without really having money, and that spiraled out of control fast. So, I'm beyond terrified of what money will bring to that equation.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Then you need to work on it. I'm clearly not your biggest fan, but I'm sure you have some redeeming qualities. Just start putting yourself around different people. Get to know them and befriend them before you tell them about your professional life. That way you know you've established real friendships based on who you are, not what you do. Then you may be able to recognize those positive traits.

 

[Kane52630]

 

[ComicChick]

Maybe the problem is you always mentioning it every chance you get here to people whom, you are never going to meet in the flesh. If you have reached goals and are on the life path you want, hey brother, more power to you. But, unless it's truly, truly germane to the convo, perhaps you should keep it to yourself. If you have fun anecdotes about the biz or humorous stories about celebs you've met, please share. But the constant "I'm connected to the world of film and it's so high up you all wouldn/t believe it" stuff does not reflect well on you. I think unlike others here I am really trying to be helpful and constructive.

we should be best friends. i've been trying to say this the whole time in the nicest way possible

 

[ComicChick]

You're being comical without realizing that there are people like that and have done that.

And wanting an outlet - there's a difference.

I mean, seriously, dudes if I wanted attention I'd just name who I know which even saying that will come off a certain way to some people except for the ones who already know. And now people will think I'm playing a guessing game again for whatever reason.

As said if people want to know motivations for things, here are:
1) Anonymity - I want to have an open outlet where this links back to me in no way, shape, or form. I want to be nameless, thus it would make me nervous as hell to think people were trying to crack it.
2) After several people latching onto me and this being the only thing that has made people notice me offline - it's become this conflict of not wanting to sell myself around but at the same time feeling like its necessary to just fit in at all.

there's nothing wrong with you keeping them anonymous UH, nothing at all. i think what everyone's trying to say is that you don't constantly have to keep bringing up the anonymous people at all. honestly i don't think half the people here would even remember you have contacts whomever they are if you didn't keep bringing them up.

 

[Ultimatehero]

So, I'm not allowed to confess something that's been on my mind because some people may get offended by the content? Which is - G rated content, mind you. Really? Some people came into this thread - which is supposed to be a free and safe thread to confess things in - only to start ragging on me. Do we really need to monitor everything that goes on in the confess, happy, and hate threads? I thought these were supposed to be the threads where people could be free to say something honest and personal without fear of persecution. Or are the confess, happy, and hate threads only open to stating those things that are acceptable to all? I can understand people being upset when I plugged a film a while back. But seriously, regulations in a - confessions thread which is here to be personal? To me, regulating that, just seems like extreme bias since the very purpose of these threads is to be personal and to state things going on in your life.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

It's not a diary. Yes, you're free to confess what you like, but all threads are open for interaction. It's the Community; that's what we do. And if people disagree with you, then they do. Most of us have confessed things that have been greeted with less-than-positive reactions. There's no place on this forum for you to state something and be assured that people won't respond.

On another note, I get the vibe that you may actually like all this negative attention, which may be why you don't stop talking about it. I may have had an edge to my first few posts regarding your "confession," but my latest posts, like others', have tried to convey constructive advice. You just don't seem to acknowledge it, but rather focus on all the negative reactions. Part of you screams you want advice, then the other part screams that you want people to leave you be. As I've said before, this is in your hands. Continue to stretch it out with the risk of negative reactions, or just stop talking about it. The forum isn't going to change it's groove to suit you.

 

[Ultimatehero]

Actually, to clear up confusion, I was noting how people entered rather than how it flowed and what it went into. This is to say that while some entrances had an edge to them - I readily acknowledge that it wasn't like that the whole way through. That's why I tried to stress 'came into,' but I wasn't sure if I was able to get that across - so, I do acknowledge that it went or evolved into a more positive direction.

 

[KevanG]

Jeez Bamf, everyone's just letting you have it since you went blue.

 

[The Original Bamfer]

Actually, to clear up confusion, I was noting how people entered rather than how it flowed and what it went into. This is to say that while some entrances had an edge to them - I readily acknowledge that it wasn't like that the whole way through. That's why I tried to stress 'came into,' but I wasn't sure if I was able to get that across - so, I do acknowledge that it went or evolved into a more positive direction.

Jeez Bamf, everyone's just letting you have it since you went blue.

I can take it.

 

[Warhammer]

Just got done reading these past few pages. Damn, Ultimatehero.

 

[Ultimatehero]

Yep, I'm a broken mess - but, at least it's something I can use.

 

[ComicChick]

UH i meant you no ill will with my posts. was just trying to convey the general tone that people were trying to get across cuz it seemed like it was getting lost or misinterpreted somehow. also, anything i said of my own, was not me moderating, simply my own opinion. you are (and everyone else) is willing to confess whatever is needed, but like others said, it is a community so many times people will respond or compare similar stories etc

 

[Ultimatehero]

I'm seriously depressed and having trouble sleeping due to working on a script about Columbine for a whole week now. But as long as it works on the page. Suffer for the art. Depression and lack of sleep for a good script that could say a strong message. Worth it, but still...

ADDING: I've started it weeks ago but its just hit its pinnacle of depression. Would take sleeping pills to not get worried and depressed at night if not for knowing why that's not the best to do.

ADDING 2: I serious feel like Robert Graysmith going through this stuff:

 

[Teelie]

Just got done reading these past few pages. Damn, Ultimatehero.

This is the first time I've wandered into this thread... the last two or three pages make me wonder why I bothered. It's less about confession than it is other things.