I'm not the kind of guy who has things in control. I'm the kind of guy who speeds, lives life on the line, and gets carried away easily. I've almost self-destructed more times than I readily care to admit. So, naturally knowing that, I am beyond terrified of every coming increase.
The second one makes sense. And above edited a post to show how the reaction of others is partly responsible for the whole thing. In LA, the people that ignored me the second they found that out tried to latch off of me and crowded towards me and left the second I couldn't do something for them. Out of LA, whenever I'm introduced it always comes with "who knows all these people...." Despite how loose I seem online about it, as said it's anonymous, while off of that I still remember how people in LA reacted and it bothers me. Because then I think, "is that all I'm good for? If this person starts acting nice toward me - is it because of who I am or who I am?" I went through three years of thinking someone was my friend in LA - the hardest sting of all - only for them to admit that they only saw me as a possible stepping stone and that was all. I was used. On one hand it gets to me because I want to still be seen as me, while on the other sometimes I want to use it because I've seen the reactions - and being the guy who's own parents didn't want him and the majority of people who have come and gone in my life, feeling wanted feels good even if it is for the wrong reasons. Just, the whole thing, which is only going to increase from here is very much like getting suck into a tornado really. It's tough to explain because everything is conflictual. On one hand you get upset because you want people to like you for you and you've seen how people latch off of you. On the other hand, feeling like you've never really been wanted or have been chosen to fit in, a part of you needs to be that person as well because even if it is selling yourself - you finally belong.
