Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

[Erzengel]

It doesn't bother me as much as I'm interested on his updates. There are worse offenders here.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It doesn't bother me as much as I'm interested on his updates. There are worse offenders here.

The advice wasn't for my benefit, it is for his. I'm not saying he offends anyone, but shut the f*** up about your ex if you want her to stay your ex.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

1) Don't respond to her at all

2) Don't talk about her to others.

Follow both these rules and you'll end everything. You can say you've made up your mind but actions speak louder than words. If you continue to talk about her ad naseum then you aren't over her, and if you don't stop you'll crawl back to her hat in hand. The reason our justice system has a right to remain silent is because if you're innocent then silence is your greatest weapon. Only the guilty yammer on and attempt to change everyone's minds.

 

[Erzengel]

It's not like it's been 6 months and he's still complaining about it. It's been less than 2 weeks and I'm guessing this has been his most significant relationship. I'm willing to cut him some slack and feel the need to vent. I doubt that venting on a messageboard is going to inhibit his ability to move past this.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Agree with Erz on this, and this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about.

Dude was in a very legitimate relationship with 4 years, even if it was off and on, it was a relationship he obviously valued. To have no emotional response to it what so ever, and to just stay silent about it like it never happened, is not a healthy way of dealing with it.

I talked about Courtney all the time, but that didn't stop me from being able to get over her.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Agree with Erz on this, and this is the kind of thing that I'm talking about.

Dude was in a very legitimate relationship with 4 years, even if it was off and on, it was a relationship he obviously valued. To have no emotional response to it what so ever, and to just stay silent about it like it never happened, is not a healthy way of dealing with it.

I talked about Courtney all the time, but that didn't stop me from being able to get over her.

There's nothing wrong with keeping private thoughts private. Talk to a therapist if you can't suppress the compulsion. I understand it's a 'legit' relationship, but that's in the past now. Erz can "cut him slack", but I won't. 99% of the posts around here all revolve around the same "inability to let it go", and that's the best skill you can have. If you haven't made a decision, fine, not everyone can make up their minds. Please don't think me an idiot though, if you continue to talk about someone you haven't made up your mind. Which is also fine, but clearly indicates you don't have the fortitude to stick by your decision.

 

[Erzengel]

I doubt most people require therapy to get over a relationship.

If venting on here helps him, so be it. I would only see an issue if he's still talking about it months from now.

And I think L.A., has done pretty well with his breakup. He's not been answering her texts. And it seems like she has taken a hint.

It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet, of course he's still hung up on her. They've been dating for 4 years.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I doubt most people require therapy to get over a relationship.

If venting on here helps him, so be it. I would only see an issue if he's still talking about it months from now.

And I think L.A., has done pretty well with his breakup. He's not been answering her texts. And it seems like she has taken a hint.

It hasn't even been 2 weeks yet, of course he's still hung up on her. They've been dating for 4 years.

If you're venting on here more than likely you're not just doing it here. Venting, in my opinion, is a pretty silly method of dealing with things. After you've talked about the issue with the person in question there is no need to go talk to everyone else about it. Especially here where, honestly, we're going to bombard you with placating bulls***. It's also a monstrous sign of insecurity. The entire point is to get to a point where she doesn't "get to him". Any time you "vent" you bring it to the forefront of your mind, making it a current thought. Don't need to be doing that, sorry. Use that energy productively.

Most psychologists will tell you venting afterwards is actually quite bad for you. You're better off simply removing yourself from a situation when you feel upset or cry about it. Just spewing passive aggressive thoughts about it is bad.

 

[Erzengel]

Speak for yourself. I like to think i don't placate anyone here and tell them what they should hear.

But I disagree about venting. I think it's healthy. Honestly, even if you were to talk about it to the person in question, it doesn't always mean that it's resolved or that someone is over it.

It takes people some time. And again, more than 2 weeks.

 

[The Guard]

LA probably isn't over her yet. And that's okay. It's ok to be angry and hurt and to realize it's over, but not be quite over someone or what they did to you yet. Two weeks isn't a very long time.

Venting isn't so much a method of dealing with things, so much as it is a method to analyze and receive feedback on how you are dealing with them. Sounds like he's doing a decent job so far. While I would avoid actual confrontation with exes after a breakup, which means no acusatory letters, emails or texts and attempts at being given closure, venting about how you feel and your frustrations over a relationship to a neutral third party can be healthy, as long as it's not constant and obsessive. It can help to put things in perspective. A four year relationship can take some time to get over. The key for LA is to deal with it without getting manipulated into getting back into the relationship.

We should be supporting people and reinforcing positive and healthy behavior, not just condeming them for not doing things a certain way.

 

[enterthemadness]

I'm still in the same boat if anyone cares. I'm not talking to either of these two women through texting or POF. I'm tired...don't need friends. Got plenty online at various boards, Facebook, & twitter. Don't feel like being played with.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

LA probably isn't over her yet. And that's okay. It's ok to be angry and hurt and to realize it's over, but not be quite over someone or what they did to you yet. Two weeks isn't a very long time.

Venting isn't so much a method of dealing with things, so much as it is a method to analyze and receive feedback on how you are dealing with them. Sounds like he's doing a decent job so far. While I would avoid actual confrontation with exes after a breakup, which means no acusatory letters, emails or texts and attempts at being given closure, venting about how you feel and your frustrations over a relationship to a neutral third party can be healthy, as long as it's not constant and obsessive. It can help to put things in perspective. A four year relationship can take some time to get over. The key for LA is to deal with it without getting manipulated into getting back into the relationship.

We should be supporting people and reinforcing positive and healthy behavior, not just condeming them for not doing things a certain way.

Venting is actually considered by far the worst method of dealing with problems. It's psychologically damaging, increases stress levels, and creates a state of dependency. That is why any good psychologist will tell you not to discuss your session with others. Any talk about a break up after a break up should revolve around the positives that came from it.
There's no reason to focus on all the things he hates about it because frankly what she did is loathsome enough it stands on it's own.

There is no reason to review us for constant feedback.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'm still in the same boat if anyone cares. I'm not talking to either of these two women through texting or POF. I'm tired...don't need friends. Got plenty online at various boards, Facebook, & twitter. Don't feel like being played with.

When you feel like someone is playing games make a point to say you don't like it. "I feel like you're playing games with me" is a perfectly reasonable thing to say to someone. You have to consider that they may not be playing games or may think they are not.

 

[Anita18]

It depends if she looks away to the side, OR if she looks down when breaking eye contact.

This is based on my experience.

If she looks down, go talk to her. Likely she is interested, but too intimidated to make contact. I've had much better results with getting numbers from girls who did just that. On the first date they might even say "I can't believe you talked to me, I was like omg he is talking to me, what do I do?"

Looking away to the side shows less interest. It does not mean you cannot get her number, and actually make something of it, but I find this to be more mixed results, and more often a miss than a hit.

What's the signal for "Stop staring at me, you're creeping me out?" At the gym I do the to-the-side-looking-at-the-wall-after-checking-if-someone-was-still-staring-at-me thing but last week the guy hit on me anyway. Do I need to embarrass him with a "You're disgusting" glare?

I can't even wear my engagement ring to the gym because I lift weights.

Feeling pretty gutted right now.

As I said a few pages back, my Mum and her boyfriend of 10 years are in the process of seperating right now. He's still been living there, she's still cooking the meals, still washing and ironing his clothes and they still been kissing hello and goodbye. Basically they were ending on good terms... Well as good as these things can end when a woman decides it's over because the man won't admit that the relationship isn't working.

And then last night she found out he's been seeing another woman for a month now behind her back.

What a complete idiot.

Couldn't he wait? Couldn't he at least move out and wait for the relationship to be actually over first? Is he really so pathetically incapable of looking after himself that he had to set himself up with another woman he could sponge off of and depend upon straight away?

My mum had given him an out from the relationship. It was going to end with him still the good guy and my relationship with him would have been unaffected, and I'd still be quite happy to treat him like a Dad like I have most of my life.

And now... Well he's not called me or spoken to me once in the last month... So I guess moving on from my mum, and getting with this new woman... I guess that means moving on from me too.

Well he can stuff it. He's not my Dad, he's just some knob.

I'm sorry to hear that hopeful. It does really sound like he's grooming another woman to take care of him after he splits with your mom. It has nothing to do with you two, only about how insecure he is.

At this point only time will tell if he's avoiding you out of embarrassment or whether it's because he really doesn't care. Could be either or, but I don't recommend being the one to initiate contact, especially if he doesn't want to ruin things with his new sandwich-maker. Let the issues be about him, not about you.

I'm still in the same boat if anyone cares. I'm not talking to either of these two women through texting or POF. I'm tired...don't need friends. Got plenty online at various boards, Facebook, & twitter. Don't feel like being played with.

If you don't like feeling being played with, scope out some new women to talk to. You don't have to stand for that crap if you don't want to.

LA probably isn't over her yet. And that's okay. It's ok to be angry and hurt and to realize it's over, but not be quite over someone or what they did to you yet. Two weeks isn't a very long time.

Venting isn't so much a method of dealing with things, so much as it is a method to analyze and receive feedback on how you are dealing with them. Sounds like he's doing a decent job so far. While I would avoid actual confrontation with exes after a breakup, which means no acusatory letters, emails or texts and attempts at being given closure, venting about how you feel and your frustrations over a relationship to a neutral third party can be healthy, as long as it's not constant and obsessive. It can help to put things in perspective. A four year relationship can take some time to get over. The key for LA is to deal with it without getting manipulated into getting back into the relationship.

We should be supporting people and reinforcing positive and healthy behavior, not just condeming them for not doing things a certain way.

I agree. Two weeks isn't very long at all. I was still thinking about my ex and how things went south two weeks on, and it was pretty healthy for me. Then again we broke off on fairly amicable terms and were respectful to each other the whole time....it could be another thing when you haven't been respected and thinking about her just makes you mad.

But you have to let it out somehow. Just be careful that you don't burn too many bridges along the way. I actually vent more online than I do in real life, because sometimes I just need to vent, but I don't need it coming back to bite me in the ass via real-life connections.

IMO, venting is what you do when you can't change a situation.

 

[Anita18]

Venting is actually considered by far the worst method of dealing with problems. It's psychologically damaging, increases stress levels, and creates a state of dependency. That is why any good psychologist will tell you not to discuss your session with others. Any talk about a break up after a break up should revolve around the positives that came from it.
There's no reason to focus on all the things he hates about it because frankly what she did is loathsome enough it stands on it's own.

There is no reason to review us for constant feedback.

As I mentioned, venting is what you do when you can't change a situation.

The problem when there's more venting than action. Action should come first, and when THAT doesn't help, you're allowed to vent.

IMO a lot of people choose to vent first instead of doing something about it. And yes, that does create a state of dependency and learned helplessness.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

The fact that you report this stuff here irks me. I understand this is tough but quit f***ing talking about her. Just don't say her name or make reference to her at all. You're not doing yourself any favors belaboring over it. It's over, it's done, you've made your decision so there's no need to even entertain the subject anymore. You won't forget about it and get over it if you keep bringing it up.

There's nothing wrong with keeping private thoughts private. Talk to a therapist if you can't suppress the compulsion. I understand it's a 'legit' relationship, but that's in the past now. Erz can "cut him slack", but I won't. 99% of the posts around here all revolve around the same "inability to let it go", and that's the best skill you can have. If you haven't made a decision, fine, not everyone can make up their minds. Please don't think me an idiot though, if you continue to talk about someone you haven't made up your mind. Which is also fine, but clearly indicates you don't have the fortitude to stick by your decision.

Dude... we're in the relationship advice thread....

And your telling someone to stop looking for advice about a girl who he's trying to break up with but who still wants to be with him?

I'm sorry but I think telling someone to quit talking about anyone in here, is just ridiculous.

I'm sorry to hear that hopeful. It does really sound like he's grooming another woman to take care of him after he splits with your mom. It has nothing to do with you two, only about how insecure he is.

At this point only time will tell if he's avoiding you out of embarrassment or whether it's because he really doesn't care. Could be either or, but I don't recommend being the one to initiate contact, especially if he doesn't want to ruin things with his new sandwich-maker. Let the issues be about him, not about you.

Mostly i'm just trying to focus on my mum. She was coping so well with this whole thing, just feeling sad that it's over but trying to think that it's for the best and seeing the positives they would both get out of some freedom and space... but I think knowing that he's been with another woman is just this betrayal that's cut her really deep, especially because he hid it from her and pretended nothing was different. She hates being made to look a fool.

I'll deal with how I feel about it later. And i'm certainly not going to try to contact him, no way. I mean, I have literally NOTHING to say to him.

Dammit, I just really didn't see it coming

 

[Anita18]

Mostly i'm just trying to focus on my mum. She was coping so well with this whole thing, just feeling sad that it's over but trying to think that it's for the best and seeing the positives they would both get out of some freedom and space... but I think knowing that he's been with another woman is just this betrayal that's cut her really deep, especially because he hid it from her and pretended nothing was different. She hates being made to look a fool.

I'll deal with how I feel about it later. And i'm certainly not going to try to contact him, no way. I mean, I have literally NOTHING to say to him.

Dammit, I just really didn't see it coming

To be fair, seeing another woman when you're still living with another is beyond the pale, but he could have legitimately thought (in the insecure pea brain in his penis) that it was "allowed" since a separation was imminent and assured. Something similar happened to my sister early on in her relationship, where she assumed that it was exclusive (mostly because HE insinuated it was) and he started seeing someone else when she was on a trip. They're still together after a serious discussion and establishment of boundaries.

Mostly it was lack of communication there and hard rules. You'd think that if someone talked about going long-term with someone, that that person believed it was exclusive, but I guess that's not how some people think. At least it was early in their relationship. He obviously wasn't living with her, and I DO agree that anyone with any semblance of intelligence would know that seeing another woman while another is still cooking you meals is just plain disrespectful and *****ebaggy.

He's an insecure idiot, in the very best light. In the worst light...well...we'll not think about that. At any rate, you're both better off without him.

 

[The Guard]

Venting is actually considered by far the worst method of dealing with problems. It's psychologically damaging, increases stress levels, and creates a state of dependency.

Sure, if you have one method of dealing with problems and if that's all you do. Because then you're just complaining all the time, which becomes a cycle of negativity.

How, if one is occassionally venting, does it psycholgically damage you, increase your stress levels and create a state of dependency?

That is why any good psychologist will tell you not to discuss your session with others.

Your session, sure.

Your life? Not so much.

Any talk about a break up after a break up should revolve around the positives that came from it.

Any talk about a break up should be a balanced assessment of what happened. Good and bad. The negatives should be learned from. The positives recognized and celebrated.

Simply reinforcing the positives teaches nothing.

There's no reason to focus on all the things he hates about it because frankly what she did is loathsome enough it stands on it's own.

He's not really venting all the things he hates though. He's venting about the situation he's still actually in. And what she did being loathsome doesn't mean he's over it, or that he understands it yet.

There is no reason to review us for constant feedback.

Isn't that the point of this thread?

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Sure, if you have one method of dealing with problems and if that's all you do. Because then you're just complaining all the time, which becomes a cycle of negativity.

How, if one is occassionally venting, does it psycholgically damage you, increase your stress levels and create a state of dependency?

This is all he's talked about for two weeks. In my opinion that is a long time considering every one of us has given our opinion. It does these things because overtime you talk about something you essentially force yourself to relive it, think about it, and go back to it. Comic book collectors all exhibit this phenomena quite nicely. Buy a book, complain about it, buy the next one.

Your session, sure.

Your life? Not so much.

Actually, your life. Your problems are no one else's business and people like you a lot more if you don't talk about your problems unless it's to propose a solution. People who sit there and become receptacles for others problems simply become enablers. Support from your friends ought to come like this: "hey, lets do something to take our minds off of this".

Any talk about a break up should be a balanced assessment of what happened. Good and bad. The negatives should be learned from. The positives recognized and celebrated.

Simply reinforcing the positives teaches nothing.

Actually it teaches you to have a positive attitude and to be productive in your approach to problems.

He's not really venting all the things he hates though. He's venting about the situation he's still actually in. And what she did being loathsome doesn't mean he's over it, or that he understands it yet.

Isn't that the point of this thread?

First, I never recommend this thread for relationship advice. It's cute and all, but its also mostly populated by people with problems not solutions. He also won't understand anything by talking about it constantly because none of us know anything real about the situation. Furthermore it isn't his job to understand it because he did nothing, nor can he hop in his magic time machine and undo it. She is the only one who should make any effort whatsoever. Nothing drives that point home like shutting up about it. I know y'all love your crack around here but learning to let go is what needs to be reinforced.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Meh, you say you wouldn't recommend this thread for advice.

I say I use the advice in this thread and take it into consideration, but not as a be all end all of my decision making process.

For example, in my situation with my girlfriend, some people implied that perhaps I'm not with the right girl, and I should consider moving on to someone else.

That is advice that I choose not to follow, because while I do believe the advice to be well intentioned, I think it comes from a mentality that doesn't apply to my relationship.

However, I have received some advice in this thread that I also believed gave me another way of thinking about a certain situation that perhaps I didn't consider, and thus I was able to strengthen my relationship.

You definitely can't just take the advice given in this thread as gospel, because as much detail as you give about your situation, the fact is, the people here giving advice can't possibly see what's really going on, and are giving advice based upon their mentality regarding relationships. That's why I said earlier that if L.A. does indeed choose to break all contact, I hope that he's doing it because it's what he wants, and what will be best for him, and not because a bunch of people on an online forum said that's what he should do.

But I think that the advice given in this thread can help to give you a deeper understanding of a situation. I ask for advice from a lot of different sources, including here, and I take the advice that I get, and I balance it with what I want, and what I think is right. Sometimes, I don't like the advice I'm given, and I discard it as not relevant to my situation, and sometimes I completely agree with the advice that I'm given, and believe it to be the proper course of action, and I do that.

You just have to take it for what it's worth.

 

[Anita18]

This is all he's talked about for two weeks. In my opinion that is a long time considering every one of us has given our opinion. It does these things because overtime you talk about something you essentially force yourself to relive it, think about it, and go back to it. Comic book collectors all exhibit this phenomena quite nicely. Buy a book, complain about it, buy the next one.

Er, this is an internet forum and this is a relationship thread. Were we supposed to expect him to pick up a new chick and be taking her home after 2 weeks?

Problems will ALWAYS seem worse than they are when people try to explain them online. Because yeah, we don't know what you're doing the other 99.5% of the day. This could hypothetically be the only place he vents so specifically about his ex. Because this is a relationship thread and if he posted anything else, it would be off-topic.

I try not to assume how someone is getting along in real life by how they post on the internet.

First, I never recommend this thread for relationship advice. It's cute and all, but its also mostly populated by people with problems not solutions. He also won't understand anything by talking about it constantly because none of us know anything real about the situation. Furthermore it isn't his job to understand it because he did nothing, nor can he hop in his magic time machine and undo it. She is the only one who should make any effort whatsoever. Nothing drives that point home like shutting up about it. I know y'all love your crack around here but learning to let go is what needs to be reinforced.

Really? I certainly think there's better advice in here now than there was a year ago.

It's been two weeks. It's really not that long dude. If he's still doing this a month in, I think we can use the hammer. But until then, it's fine to let L.A. vent. None of us are advising him to go back to her, anyway. Except for bum. Right now it's like he's starting to see for the first time what went wrong. Maybe he tolerated her disrespect before, but now that he's starting to get some distance, he can acknowledge it for what it was and then pledge to not tolerate it in the future.

 

[Erzengel]

Really? I certainly think there's better advice in here now than there was a year ago.

Pfft.

My advice a year ago is as stellar as my advice today.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

To be fair, seeing another woman when you're still living with another is beyond the pale, but he could have legitimately thought (in the insecure pea brain in his penis) that it was "allowed" since a separation was imminent and assured. Something similar happened to my sister early on in her relationship, where she assumed that it was exclusive (mostly because HE insinuated it was) and he started seeing someone else when she was on a trip. They're still together after a serious discussion and establishment of boundaries.

Mostly it was lack of communication there and hard rules. You'd think that if someone talked about going long-term with someone, that that person believed it was exclusive, but I guess that's not how some people think. At least it was early in their relationship. He obviously wasn't living with her, and I DO agree that anyone with any semblance of intelligence would know that seeing another woman while another is still cooking you meals is just plain disrespectful and *****ebaggy.

He's an insecure idiot, in the very best light. In the worst light...well...we'll not think about that. At any rate, you're both better off without him.

All true

I think men really are just that dense sometimes... I guess I just didn't realise he'd be one of them. He can be so kind, so generous and so caring. Why did he have to screw it up?

First, I never recommend this thread for relationship advice. It's cute and all, but its also mostly populated by people with problems not solutions. He also won't understand anything by talking about it constantly because none of us know anything real about the situation. Furthermore it isn't his job to understand it because he did nothing, nor can he hop in his magic time machine and undo it. She is the only one who should make any effort whatsoever. Nothing drives that point home like shutting up about it. I know y'all love your crack around here but learning to let go is what needs to be reinforced.

If you don't like this thread, stay out of it. Don't critisize the people actually using it and the support it provides in order to get over something as emotionally difficult as a break up.

Seriously, you're acting like this thread is your personal space and LA is invading it with his issues.

You don't wanna hear about other people's relationship problems? Don't come to a relationship advice thread... simple.

 

[Erzengel]

Seriously, you're acting like this thread is your personal space and LA is invading it with his issues.

We all know this is Erz's thread.

 

[The Guard]

This is all he's talked about for two weeks. In my opinion that is a long time considering every one of us has given our opinion. It does these things because overtime you talk about something you essentially force yourself to relive it, think about it, and go back to it. Comic book collectors all exhibit this phenomena quite nicely. Buy a book, complain about it, buy the next one.

Not everyone reacts that way to self reflection and reflecting about relationships. Reliving and rethinking things isn't neccessarily distructive or counterproductive.

Of course it's all he's talked about. That's because that's the only thing he's needed advice about.

Even if the worst of his situation is over, it still helps the people who have issues lettin go of stuff to see his process. To see that he's suceeding in that.

It's not been a long time. It's two weeks.

Think how long fanboys go on and on and on about meaningless trivial nonsense on these boards. This is a person talking about real life and real emotion.

Actually, your life. Your problems are no one else's business and people like you a lot more if you don't talk about your problems unless it's to propose a solution. People who sit there and become receptacles for others problems simply become enablers. Support from your friends ought to come like this: "hey, lets do something to take our minds off of this".

My point is...a shrink that tells you not to discuss your life or your problems with others...that's just not terribly healthy. There's got to be a balance struck.

Support should come in the form of support. Not just distraction. It's like a friend of a depressed person saying "Hey, cheer up, friend!". It's not all that helpful in the long run.

Actually it teaches you to have a positive attitude and to be productive in your approach to problems.

If you never deal with the actual bad elements of that problem, how real is that positive attitude? What is it based on?

That sounds like a form of repression to me.

First, I never recommend this thread for relationship advice.

And, as much as this is about you...the thread is titled some form of relationship advice".

It's cute and all, but its also mostly populated by people with problems not solutions.

Historically, yes. Lately? Arguable. I see a lot more people offering solutions and discussing issues than I've seen of people mentioning their personal problems here lately.

He also won't understand anything by talking about it constantly because none of us know anything real about the situation.

Which is why him talking about it enables us to learn more.

Furthermore it isn't his job to understand it because he did nothing, nor can he hop in his magic time machine and undo it.

It's not his job, but if he has issues reconciling, or dealing with it, then seeking to understanding something certainly isn't a bad thing. Like I said, it helps you to put things in perspective.

She is the only one who should make any effort whatsoever. Nothing drives that point home like shutting up about it. I know y'all love your crack around here but learning to let go is what needs to be reinforced.

Not everyone can "just let go". It's just not that simple for a lot of people.