Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

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Okay, well then the substance:

You talk about not letting a girl get to you, and all of that, but quite frankly if you are with a girl that long and have developed that strong of a relationship, what she did should get to you.

Where I agree with you is that he shouldn't be going out of his way to go and insult her, because that just lowers you to her level of wrongdoing, but to just pretend like she never existed, and to show no emotions about her whatsoever is not healthy. You're just bottling **** up inside, and if you're going to be so void of expressing any emotions what so ever, then I don't see how one like that could ever had a successful intimate relationship when your half of it is completely built on not expressing emotion about her whether she do wrong or right, and going off of advice you've given in here before, never being the one to open up to her, and playing little games to make her become the vulnerable one to you constantly.

Slow down there Hoss.

Nobody ever said not having or expressing emotions, but you need to be constructive. Not destructive in a way that makes you look desperate because of an emotional tantrum. - THAT is the mistake so many guys make.

Its not about not have emotions, or even never showing them, its about how you handle them, and about self-control.
 
Okay, well then the substance:

You talk about not letting a girl get to you, and all of that, but quite frankly if you are with a girl that long and have developed that strong of a relationship, what she did should get to you.

Where I agree with you is that he shouldn't be going out of his way to go and insult her, because that just lowers you to her level of wrongdoing, but to just pretend like she never existed, and to show no emotions about her whatsoever is not healthy. You're just bottling **** up inside, and if you're going to be so void of expressing any emotions what so ever, then I don't see how one like that could ever had a successful intimate relationship when your half of it is completely built on not expressing emotion about her whether she do wrong or right, and going off of advice you've given in here before, never being the one to open up to her, and playing little games to make her become the vulnerable one to you constantly.
I dunno, I think only people who are worthy of my respect deserve that kind of emotional response. If someone just flat-out doesn't respect you, I don't condone giving them any time of day. IMO it isn't really a relationship if there isn't at least mutual respect. I just don't see the benefit in massive grieving for something that isn't really there anymore.

I mean, yeah, L.A. was with her (in some capacity) for 4 years, so I don't blame him for hurting. But he can still do constructive things for himself WHILE waiting out the hurt. None of it involves taking her back. If it's better for him not to respond to her, then so be it.

I'm attempting to give relationship advice on Fb to someone who was seriously taken for a ride by a "friend." She has romantic feelings for him and he says he doesn't want to be in a relationship with her, but was alright with her cooking for him and spending all her free time with him. And then now he wants to break everything off because she hasn't been a "true friend." She's at her wit's end trying to figure out how to do what he wants from her.

I mean, what SHOULD be the correct response to that other than kicking the guy to the curb where he belongs? He doesn't respect her, never did, and took advantage of her. He doesn't deserve any of her emotional energy and I have no idea what sort of redeeming qualities he ever had as HER friend in this arrangement.



For those of you who have recently broken up with someone and have wondered what to do with your stuff other than burning it or throwing it away, you can donate it to the Museum of Broken Relationships in Croatia. :yay:

http://brokenships.com/en
 
I'm obviously not saying that he should focus those energies on negative things, but emotional responses and emotional grieving I find to be a totally normal thing, whether she is perceived to be in the wrong or not. He invested 4 years in her, if he had no emotional response to her doing him wrong, I would be more worried about him than if he does experience feelings of sadness and hurt over it. Obviously she deserves some level of respect from him, they invested 4 years together. That doesn't mean that he needs to take her back, but for him to completely ignore his emotional response to what happened is not a good path of action either.

As for "correct response" - there is no truly "correct" response except the one that makes the person happy. And you know what, many times in the past, my "correct response" was to fight for it, even if everyone else said that I was wrong for doing so, because at that point I wasn't worried about feeling vulnerable or whatever. I was going after what I believed in. And other times, the "correct response" for me has been to cut all ties cold turkey. "Correct response" is a case by case basis dependent on the people involved.

SuperMike says it's an "alpha male" trait to just move on with your life as if she never existed, but I say it's an "alpha male" trait to have enough convictions in what you believe in and put your heart into to fight for what you want, if that's what you want.

In this case, L.A. seems to think the best course of action is to cut all ties. And if that's what makes him happy, and that's what's best for him, then absolutely he should do it. I don't necessarily agree with Thebumwhowalks in this situation, but I do think he brings to light an interesting point - I hope L.A. is cutting all ties with this girl because that's what he wants and that's what will be best for him, and not because a bunch of anonymous names on an internet webpage said that's what was best for him.
 
I deleted the message because I realize now how good she manipulates a situation. The fact that out of the blue she says she loves me and if I'm still mad at her? First she hasn't said I love since last year. And now she says that if I'm still mad atty her? She trying to rub this of as small mistake. She fooled me before but not anymore. Anyways guys today I'm at Yosemite and I just finish hiking the highest peak here! One of my life long goals accomplished
 
Hiking. Never understood that s**t. Hey! Lets go walking down dangerous paths where bears and mountain Lions might attack us! :o
 
White people like hiking. I thought L.A. wasn't white.
 
Hiking. Never understood that s**t. Hey! Lets go walking down dangerous paths where bears and mountain Lions might attack us! :o

Unless you're Kim Bauer that's not going to happen. Much greater chance that you just stumble down a slope and crack your skull on some jagged rocks.
 
LA like I said if you think cutting her out is best then you definitely should.

Good stuff on Yosemite. I used to go there a bunch as a kid, haven't been there in forever.
 
I deleted the message because I realize now how good she manipulates a situation. The fact that out of the blue she says she loves me and if I'm still mad at her? First she hasn't said I love since last year. And now she says that if I'm still mad atty her? She trying to rub this of as small mistake. She fooled me before but not anymore.

Yeah that defo sounds like she's trivialising your side of this break up.

If you see her again at all and she asks that, tell her that no, you are not mad any more. You no longer care enough for that. You're over it and you're over her.
 
White people like hiking. I thought L.A. wasn't white.

What?

We're allowed to be able to talke about race here now without being called an evilracistnaziwhowantstokillsixmillionjews?

Interesting development...:woot:


I deleted the message because I realize now how good she manipulates a situation. The fact that out of the blue she says she loves me and if I'm still mad at her? First she hasn't said I love since last year. And now she says that if I'm still mad atty her? She trying to rub this of as small mistake. She fooled me before but not anymore. Anyways guys today I'm at Yosemite and I just finish hiking the highest peak here! One of my life long goals accomplished

You're doing great!
 
Yeah that defo sounds like she's trivialising your side of this break up.

If you see her again at all and she asks that, tell her that no, you are not mad any more. You no longer care enough for that. You're over it and you're over her.

That is the right message to send, but I would avoid the phrase "I'm over it, or I don't care, or I'm over you", because these are often said by people who really do care a lot, and are in denial, and not over things at all. I've had female stalkers use these terms, and then turn right around and continue to stalk me.

The best way to convey this message is by showing it indirectly.

If he says: "No, its all fine. Look, we were together for 4 years, we kept breaking up, sorry we just can't work. We really should not keep in touch much either, that's just going to make it hard for you to get over us, but I wish you all the best in finding a really nice guy, you're a very interesting type of girl and you deserve that".

This is Zen like mastery of self control.
 
So, this one woman that I was talking to on POF for a while, then on the phone via texting...I stopped talking to her, deleted the messages. Stopped like for a week ish. Then yesterday or Thursday she started texting me again. And she asked if I had a GF and I said No, but I've been talking to a couple on POF, but not serious. We've talked for a bit more, I asked her out again for coffee, no response. What the flub..
 
I actually think about writing a long goodbye letter taking about how much we were in love and how much she hurt me. That we both need to move on with our lives. But my friends and family don't think its a good idea. it might open old wounds and make it harder for me to move on
 
I actually think about writing a long goodbye letter taking about how much we were in love and how much she hurt me. That we both need to move on with our lives. But my friends and family don't think its a good idea. it might open old wounds and make it harder for me to move on

Eh, I'm going to agree on one of SuperMike's mantras here (omg, I know right!!!) and say that's a bad idea.

When doing something like that, you have to ask yourself a couple questions - 1.) What do you actually expect to accomplish by doing it 2.) Is what you want to accomplish actually worthwhile 3.) Will taking this course of action accomplish said goal?

So what exactly would you want to accomplish by writing that letter? Why would you want to accomplish it?
 
Yea I was leaning towards not doing it until nell mentioned that I should respond because we have been together 4 years
 
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I know you guys were together for a long time, but it really seems she wants to be told "It's okay". I wouldn't give her that satisfaction. Especially over the phone, text, computer, etc.

Don't you guys not really live too close to each other? I'd just keep doing what you're doing. Keeping yourself busy, and moving past this. The more and more she tries texting you trying to call you, I wouldn't respond.
 
Just ignore her. Completely. Put the onus on her to show you she can change which means you moving on.
 
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Yea I was leaning towards not doing it until nell mentioned that I should respond because we have been together 4 years
Did she respect you toward the end of it? Does she deserve the respect that you want to give her?

4 years means nothing if it was 4 years of her pulling the same crap on you, especially towards the end.
 
Yea I was leaning towards not doing it until nell mentioned that I should respond because we have been together 4 years

I didn't mean to say that you should respond, all I meant is that I probably wouldn't be able to just cut her out completely cold turkey like that, and that after 4 years you should have some sort of emotional response to her doing what she did, and not just being all "well whatevs, I don't care, on to the next one"
 
Good advice guys. My only regret is asking for her back the initial days. Man was I weak
 
I didn't mean to say that you should respond, all I meant is that I probably wouldn't be able to just cut her out completely cold turkey like that, and that after 4 years you should have some sort of emotional response to her doing what she did, and not just being all "well whatevs, I don't care, on to the next one"
I know her full game now! If I respond with an emotional reply like how she really hurt me. She going to play victim and how she was going through a stressful time. Blah blah blah
 
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