Strange question for ladies (But men can answer too-just in reverse)

[Moviefan2k4]

Are you saying that this always causes infidelity?

Not at all. That sentiment was nowhere in my post. I'm simply saying that such a situation can lead to the possibility of infidelity when done excessively. For example, I wouldn't recommend that any married man leave his wife alone with a male friend for any great length of time, especially when he wasn't around...and vice versa. Trust is a great thing, but not everyone can deal with different types of relational stress. More often than not, the "friend" in the equation is usually nicer to the present spouse than the absent one is, deliberately or otherwise. Over a consistent period of time, that can lead to an unhealthy bond between the two, which in turn could strain the original marriage. It's like a married man spending a bunch of time at his job with an attractive secretary. It may not result in betrayal, but if left unchecked that relationship can cause complications with his wife. The same is often true for a married woman who "hangs out" with a male friend a lot of the time.

I have a close married friend and we did stuff together all the time and never once did that cross our minds I think a sour experience on your part has hardened your heart.

I won't deny that my past experiences have left some emotional and spiritual scars, but I'm trying to simply advise caution. As many people know, male and female relationships are often very complex, regardless of the situation. Among other things, marriage is about "forsaking all others" in loyalty to your spouse. Anything that could potentially wreck that commitment should be handled very carefully.

 

[Cosmic]

I will start picking things up, washing dishes, and maybe announce that I'm ready to retire for the night. If they don't get the hint, then the guest(s) get shown the door. If the girlfriend is the one who wants to go to bed, and it's late at night, then I'm not going to sit there with her friend and continue to talk. "Well, this has been nice, but it's late, so let's continue this conversation tomorrow." Or something like that.

 

[Chris Wallace]

I think it's rude for guests to stay so long they make you sleepy.

In general I agree, but it can easily happen unintentionally. You get to talking & laughing & joking, playing cards, board games, watching something on TV-anything can happen where minutes turn into hours. I think it'd be just as rude to kick somebody out when the evening hasn't wound down yet.

That aside, this is one of the main issues I have with men .. so many think they can't be friends with women. I don't get it and it drives me nuts. I hate having to limit my friendships to females only. I think it's bizarre. There are some great guys out there and I'd like to be friends and hang out, but it always gets .. weird.

Like I said before, most of my friendships-and come to think of it, all of my lasting ones, have been with women. Now I have had a couple of cases where the line was crossed & the friendship was ruined, but for the most part I have managed to stay out of that zone & everything was fine.

 

[Chris Wallace]

I agree with the sentiment that trust is paramount, but I also feel obliged to point out that the most well-intentioned scenarios can still end with disaster. That's why I think it's generally foolish (or at least unwise) for a married person to spend a lot of "free time" around somone of the opposite sex who's not their spouse, especially if said spouse isn't present. It can often be like walking on hot coals, and hoping you don't get burned; whatever the result, it's still a risk most shouldn't take, IMO.

I think we all want to believe that we are with someone that we can trust. But many of us do sing a different tune if either our trust or our partner's fidelity is put to the test, like in the example I opened this thread with. As I said, it doesn't matter to me b/c her friends are off-limits, & this includes the numerous times that upon meeting the friends of the woman I was dating, I discovered that I was with the "ugly" one of the group.* This also includes times that I discovered that her friend was interested in Now temptation is a funny thing; it can come when you least expect it, & I think its sole purpose is to teach us just how much we value the relationship. In the case of it being a friend or family member of your significant other, you're testing the value of 3 relationships: You & him/her, him/her & the friend/relative, and you & his/her circle.








*Let me clarify; she's not ugly, not by any stretch of the imagination. She's just not as hot as her friends. She's the baddest thing walking as long as they're not around.

 

[MaskedManJRK]

I'd like to think that I could trust my friends enough that I wouldn't worry about them hanging with my partner that long into the night. I know that if I become interested in someone, and then find out that they're in a relationship, then I'm not going to try anything until a little bit after they break up at the very least.

 

[Chris Wallace]

I wouldn't go after her then. At least not right away. I don't wanna be seen as a vulture. Kinda the way I view Vince Vaughn.

 

[The-Dark-Knight]

Make the guy's night and offer a 3-way

Ha, Very true, do this.

 

[Chris Wallace]

Sure. More like get his hopes up & then he ends up on the couch.

 

[The Senator]

I agree with the sentiment that trust is paramount, but I also feel obliged to point out that the most well-intentioned scenarios can still end with disaster. That's why I think it's generally foolish (or at least unwise) for a married person to spend a lot of "free time" around somone of the opposite sex who's not their spouse, especially if said spouse isn't present. It can often be like walking on hot coals, and hoping you don't get burned; whatever the result, it's still a risk most shouldn't take, IMO.

Your ridiculous generalizations of situations never cease to amaze me. For heterosexual couples, I see no reason to forbid spouses from having friends of the opposite sex. None. If it ends in infidelity, then that most likely means the original relationship wasn't working out, or wasn't destined to last. It's a sad situation, but it happens. And the worst part is, even if you prevent that situation from occurring, it will still most likely happen if the relationship isn't solid to begin with.

 

[Chris Wallace]

Your ridiculous generalizations of situations never cease to amaze me. For heterosexual couples, I see no reason to forbid spouses from having friends of the opposite sex. None. If it ends in infidelity, then that most likely means the original relationship wasn't working out, or wasn't destined to last. It's a sad situation, but it happens. And the worst part is, even if you prevent that situation from occurring, it will still most likely happen if the relationship isn't solid to begin with.

I agree. I think there's nothing wrong with people in relationships having friends of the opposite sex. In fact, I encourage it. Sometimes they can offer an insight into situations with your mate that you might not be able to get otherwise. How often has a man had an issue with his girl, & talked to his buddies about it? They put some BS in his head, he acts on it, makes the situation 10 times worse. Had he asked a woman, she might have helped him understand what was going on.

 

[enterthemadness]

Well, if it were more people over than them two and I heard someone say 'Let's turn off the lights and play a game called...Who's in my mouth?' Two thing will flash in my head.

1. Oh oh...this can't be good.

2. And I can't play cause I'm trying to sleep.

hehe...

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Not at all. That sentiment was nowhere in my post. I'm simply saying that such a situation can lead to the possibility of infidelity when done excessively. For example, I wouldn't recommend that any married man leave his wife alone with a male friend for any great length of time, especially when he wasn't around...and vice versa. Trust is a great thing, but not everyone can deal with different types of relational stress. More often than not, the "friend" in the equation is usually nicer to the present spouse than the absent one is, deliberately or otherwise. Over a consistent period of time, that can lead to an unhealthy bond between the two, which in turn could strain the original marriage. It's like a married man spending a bunch of time at his job with an attractive secretary. It may not result in betrayal, but if left unchecked that relationship can cause complications with his wife. The same is often true for a married woman who "hangs out" with a male friend a lot of the time.

I won't deny that my past experiences have left some emotional and spiritual scars, but I'm trying to simply advise caution. As many people know, male and female relationships are often very complex, regardless of the situation. Among other things, marriage is about "forsaking all others" in loyalty to your spouse. Anything that could potentially wreck that commitment should be handled very carefully.

I think if you have trust in your relationship you're girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife hanging out with someone of the opposite sex wouldn't cause any relational stress. If it does then you don't have trust in the relationship. Two mature adults would be able to go out with each other and have a good time without any type of cheating happening. I never plan to cheat on my girlfriend, but I that doesn't mean I'm going to cut all my female friends out of my life because I know I can keep it in my pants, I've never crossed that line before my girlfriend and I certainly wouldn't cross it now.

 

[Chris Wallace]

In my experience, there are 4 major reasons for not trusting your partner:
1-you're just generally insecure.
2-you were burned in a previous relationship (if not the current one) & haven't gotten over it.
3-you need to rationalize/justify the dirt that you're doing, so you convince yourself that they're doing it, too.
4-your partner is actually cheating or at least exhibiting behavior that any rational person would deem questionable.
Now #2 & #4 are the only ones that I see as justifiable. Other than that, you need to either get over yourself or reevaluate the relationship that you're in. I have told many a girl that green (metaphorically) wasn't her color, especially when she acted threatened over women on TV or some girl that I just happen to notice walking down the street. If I'm with you, it's b/c I want to be.
And af15, as much as the current management has pissed me off, I refuse to go as far as your sig suggests.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Nah, I'd leave em alone. None of my friends are attractive enough to cheat with.

 

[rizzo51]

I'd just go to bed, I trust my guy, and i trust my friends.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

I think if you have trust in your relationship you're girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife hanging out with someone of the opposite sex wouldn't cause any relational stress.

I think it depends on the amount of time spent with the third party in question, especially if either spouse is absent. If I was married, I don't think I'd have any issues with my bride having a male friend...but if she started spending large, consecutive amounts of time with him, and I wasn't around, I'd get very worried. Trust in any relationship has to go both ways, or else it doesn't work.

I never plan to cheat on my girlfriend, but I that doesn't mean I'm going to cut all my female friends out of my life...

I'm not suggesting you or anyone else completely "cut off" friendships involving the opposite sex. What I am suggesting is that those friendships should be closely guarded by everyone involved. Part of the classic marriage vows includes the phrase "forsaking all others" in reference to your marriage, and I think there's a very real need for it. When a man and woman get married, there's supposed to be a "no fly zone" (for lack of a better phrase) where third parties of any kind just don't go...period. Failure to maintain that part of a marriage can result in al sorts of unhealthy situations, cheating and divorce being two extreme examples.

 

[Addendum]

I think it'd be just as rude to kick somebody out when the evening hasn't wound down yet.

I disagree

 

[Addendum]

I'm not suggesting you or anyone else completely "cut off" friendships involving the opposite sex. What I am suggesting is that those friendships should be closely guarded by everyone involved. Part of the classic marriage vows includes the phrase "forsaking all others" in reference to your marriage, and I think there's a very real need for it. When a man and woman get married, there's supposed to be a "no fly zone" (for lack of a better phrase) where third parties of any kind just don't go...period. Failure to maintain that part of a marriage can result in al sorts of unhealthy situations, cheating and divorce being two extreme examples.

But that's what you're suggesting with your opinion about "forsaking all others". Don't project your thoughts about the opposite sex, especially if you're in a relationship, as applying to all of your gender

 

[Moviefan2k4]

But that's what you're suggesting with your opinion about "forsaking all others". Don't project your thoughts about the opposite sex, especially if you're in a relationship, as applying to all of your gender

I'm simply stating that I think there should be proper bondaries within a healthy marriage. i don't advocate complete removal of opposite-sex friendships for either spouse, but I also don't think there should be a total lack of boundaries, either.

 

[Addendum]

And whatever boundaries are up to the individual couples. However, the fact that either spouse chose the other instead of their friend or friends speaks louder than simply hanging with a friend

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I think it depends on the amount of time spent with the third party in question, especially if either spouse is absent. If I was married, I don't think I'd have any issues with my bride having a male friend...but if she started spending large, consecutive amounts of time with him, and I wasn't around, I'd get very worried. Trust in any relationship has to go both ways, or else it doesn't work.

Just as an example, I spent a lot of time with my female friend back when I still lived in California.

Her boyfriend / fiance / husband worked construction, and was gone for long hours during the day. He'd even be gone for days at a time, even a full week, being out of town for work. I'd spend lots of time with her during these periods, and this kind of stuff went on for about 2 years or so. Her and I would go out for lunch or dinner, I would give her rides to her work, or to doctor's appointments, or go shopping with her, she'd call me up at night to hang out because she was "lonely" and wanted company.

None of this activity ever turned sexual. Never in the least bit. She was an attractive girl, I'll admit that much, but the relationship her and I had was more along the lines of a brother / sister relationship than anything else. There was no sexual or romantic chemistry between us in the least bit.

Her and I spent so much time together that she eventually asked me to move in, and I lived with them for a short time.

Where the trust was came in the fact that we never hid anything we did from him. If I was over at the apartment with her, she always told him. If her and I went out to lunch, he knew.

Her and I were upfront with each other that our feelings only extended as far as a strong friendship. Her and I always had communication with him over what we were doing. All 3 of us trusted each other to not do anything to disrespect the friendships or the relationships.

Now I can understand that it would be hard to have that kind of trust. But having been the "friend" to the girl in this type of situation, and knowing that I never once felt any desire to betray her relationship, I know that males and females actually CAN be friends. I've been friends with the girl that I spoke of in this thread, I have spent a lot of time with my best friend's girlfriend, even so much as taking her out dancing, as well as another very good friend's girlfriend, all without anything ever happening, or even anyone WANTING anything to happen.

I will admit this much - if I were the guy in the relationship, and my girlfriend were constantly hanging out with a male friend, it'd be hard for me to not think the worst. Especially considering that I (unfortunately) have a habit of over analyzing things to begin with.

But if you are truly in a healthy relationship, then you should be able to trust your significant other to make the right decisions around the opposite sex.

 

[Moviefan2k4]

None of this activity ever turned sexual. Never in the least bit. She was an attractive girl, I'll admit that much, but the relationship her and I had was more along the lines of a brother / sister relationship than anything else. There was no sexual or romantic chemistry between us in the least bit.

That makes your situation a rather unique one, in my experience. I've been in one relationship myself, and it ended badly, but I've seen and heard about others in similar situations to yours, and there was a lot of stressful stuff going on. If everyone involved honestly can trust each other completely, then that's a remarkable gift. I'd still advocate caution though, no matter the scenario. It's just conventional wisdom to be careful with these things.

Her and I spent so much time together that she eventually asked me to move in, and I lived with them for a short time.

If I was married, I think I might have a problem with this, depending on the circumstances. I'd especially have reservations of exercising my "marital rights" with my wife, knowing there was a third party in the house.

Where the trust was came in the fact that we never hid anything we did from him. If I was over at the apartment with her, she always told him. If her and I went out to lunch, he knew.

Again, I'm glad the three of you were completely honest with each other. Honesty truly is the best option in the long run, especially with situations like this.

Now I can understand that it would be hard to have that kind of trust.

Absolutely. I don't know about anyone else, but I don't know if I would ever even want to risk stressing my marriage like that. I'd hope my wife wouldn't, either.

I will admit this much - if I were the guy in the relationship, and my girlfriend were constantly hanging out with a male friend, it'd be hard for me to not think the worst. Especially considering that I (unfortunately) have a habit of over analyzing things to begin with.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

But if you are truly in a healthy relationship, then you should be able to trust your significant other to make the right decisions around the opposite sex.

I think it just depends on the people and the specifics involved.

 

[Majic Walrus]

Oh my God.. The world's ending. I think I'm going to step up and defend Movie Fan.

Your ridiculous generalizations of situations never cease to amaze me. For heterosexual couples, I see no reason to forbid spouses from having friends of the opposite sex. None. If it ends in infidelity, then that most likely means the original relationship wasn't working out, or wasn't destined to last. It's a sad situation, but it happens. And the worst part is, even if you prevent that situation from occurring, it will still most likely happen if the relationship isn't solid to begin with.

I think if you have trust in your relationship you're girlfriend/boyfriend/husband/wife hanging out with someone of the opposite sex wouldn't cause any relational stress. If it does then you don't have trust in the relationship. Two mature adults would be able to go out with each other and have a good time without any type of cheating happening. I never plan to cheat on my girlfriend, but I that doesn't mean I'm going to cut all my female friends out of my life because I know I can keep it in my pants, I've never crossed that line before my girlfriend and I certainly wouldn't cross it now.

This is true, however I still feel that it's important to give the right image when dealing with people. I for instance will never ever ever take a female employee into a room alone. Not because I'm going to rape her but because I want to be held above reproach so that there is no cause to be accused of any wrong-doing. I feel the same thing should happen for couples.

There's no need for you and your opposite sex friend to be seen together alone in public because that will cause people to talk. And you can say "screw people" and "who cares what they think" but the reality is that it's your reputation on the line. Sometimes that's all that you have.

If you have the reputation of being loose with employees at work do you think you're going to get a promotion? If you have a reputation of being loose with other men or women do you think you're going to gather a lot of new friends?

The point is not the relationship between you and your partner, that's given. The point is the image you portray and the image you portray should be one that is absolutely devoted to your spouse and you should want to never give off the impression that you are screwing around.

I'm not suggesting you or anyone else completely "cut off" friendships involving the opposite sex. What I am suggesting is that those friendships should be closely guarded by everyone involved. Part of the classic marriage vows includes the phrase "forsaking all others" in reference to your marriage, and I think there's a very real need for it. When a man and woman get married, there's supposed to be a "no fly zone" (for lack of a better phrase) where third parties of any kind just don't go...period. Failure to maintain that part of a marriage can result in al sorts of unhealthy situations, cheating and divorce being two extreme examples.

This, while worded pretty offensively it seems, is accurate. I don't think that cheating is going to happen but I think it can look like it's happening. And like I said before, and what I think Movie Fan might be saying too, married people should be held above reproach.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Oh my God.. The world's ending. I think I'm going to step up and defend Movie Fan.

This is true, however I still feel that it's important to give the right image when dealing with people. I for instance will never ever ever take a female employee into a room alone. Not because I'm going to rape her but because I want to be held above reproach so that there is no cause to be accused of any wrong-doing. I feel the same thing should happen for couples.

There's no need for you and your opposite sex friend to be seen together alone in public because that will cause people to talk. And you can say "screw people" and "who cares what they think" but the reality is that it's your reputation on the line. Sometimes that's all that you have.

If you have the reputation of being loose with employees at work do you think you're going to get a promotion? If you have a reputation of being loose with other men or women do you think you're going to gather a lot of new friends?

The point is not the relationship between you and your partner, that's given. The point is the image you portray and the image you portray should be one that is absolutely devoted to your spouse and you should want to never give off the impression that you are screwing around.

This, while worded pretty offensively it seems, is accurate. I don't think that cheating is going to happen but I think it can look like it's happening. And like I said before, and what I think Movie Fan might be saying too, married people should be held above reproach.

Wow, I can't even think of a response to this, it's just way too crazy for me.

 

[Majic Walrus]

Wow, I can't even think of a response to this, it's just way too crazy for me.

Crazy? How is it crazy to want to keep your reputation clean? I've got people that work with me and people that see me. How would it look if I were "out" with someone of the opposite sex even if it was a plutonic meeting it wouldn't always seem that way to everyone else.

My point is that people should have no reason to suspect me of anything unbecoming because I never put myself in a position to be accused.

If I have to terminate someone's employment I make sure that there is another female manager present to account for the happenings. If I am out with a female friend my wife comes with us. If my wife is out with a male friend i come along too.

Now I do want to clarify this by emphasizing the "out" part. If friends are hanging out and they're not in public there's no need to worry about a misunderstanding. Also I'm not saying that this is my rule and I wouldn't say... Offer a female friend a ride home or attend a business meeting with just a female present. But I try to avoid it and try to limit those times.

I don't think that's crazy, do you really think that it's crazy?

I'm alot older than I though i guess.