The Mental Health and Wellness Thread

[Mandon Knight]

I am done, I can't do this anymore.

[YT]ZVWB9uZ122w[/YT]

 

[harlequinade]

I am done, I can't do this anymore.

MK if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always there. I know it takes me a bit to respond but I am there. Sending you lots of hugs and support!

 

[Mandon Knight]

MK if you need anyone to talk to, I'm always there. I know it takes me a bit to respond but I am there. Sending you lots of hugs and support!

I know you are, thank you. And me to you too. Always my friend

 

[Mandon Knight]

This week shall define all. Two possible routes. One outcome. Live for all or Die inside.

 

[squeekness]

Hang in there, buddy.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Hang in there, buddy.

Thanks buddy. Appreciate it.

 

[Canadian Rider]

#wrasslin for you Mandon

 

[Mandon Knight]

#wrasslin for you Mandon

Thank you CR #makesahugedifferencethankyou

 

[Reel-Man]

Posting this as it's a very touching song and video. I hope this helps people realize that they are not alone in this.

 

[spiderman2]

Been having issue for a long long time like 6 ish years almost cant remember what it is like to be happy. I have posted on hear a few times about how I cant stand my job to the point where I wish I was dead at times and how I fell trapped because I cant find another job and its not for the lack of trying that is for sure. I just dont know what to do and it just fells hopeless. I have things that piss me of at work like ever day and ever day fells like a Monday. Ever day like all I can think about is how am I going to get threw another day of this crap and when is my next day off. Some days are worse today was one of those. If not for beliving in god I would have killed my self a long time ago. Its the only thing that keeps me going even though I have just about zero motivation left in life. Working like 40 hours at times with a job you cant stand is just killer all I can think about is how and if I am ever going to get out of there even when I am off and I dont fell like I have a life because its like when I am not working what am I doing? I am just looking for work is what I am doing.

Ever year like ending or a BD is just like another year of me thinking great my life is still not getting better and I still dont see a light at the end of the tunnel. Next year I will be 30 and that makes me fell old has its like man 20's over and my life still feels like its going no where. I miss like middle/highschool more and more ever day the good old days when I had like zero depression and like zero worries. I am bitter at the fact I cant find another job when I now that simple thing would take away like 90% of my depression has its just about the only thing that makes me depressed or worried the other like 10% being single. It also makes me mad at god something I dont like to fell has my beliving in god is important to me and it would also be so much easier to read the bible more often and to trust god more if I didn't have to deal with all my free time being just like job screeching.


I start school again in like 5 weeks and I am looking forward to that has I will try to only work 3 days has I am taking 4 classes and the less I am at work the better. Also summer time is harder for me because I am a big sports fan and sports is something that helps to destrate me some and something to look forward to but I am not a big baseball fan and with out the destration of having nba,nfl,nhl to watch in the summer time with them all being offseason time I go more crazy has I dont really have any thing to look forward to. I also need to lose weight about 30 lbs over weight and I am at a weight where if I am at about 15 lbs less I would fell better has that extra 15 tends to cause heart burn some of that I know is from stress to though but its hard because even if I like really try I will only lose like 2 lbs in a month and I am finding with being stressed out like 24/7 that I want to eat lots and lots of sugar.

 

[Jenocide]

I had bad postpartum depression, but I got some help and got over it. Thankfully, I had a good support system. I used to talk about suicide, but just in short bursts. I'd just blurt out something about killing myself. And it was kind of cathartic in a weird way. It made me feel better to say it, kind of like how screaming or cussing at the top of your lungs makes you feel better.


But looking back on that, it was pretty insensitive. The words were empty, and the motivation to kill myself truly was never there. But I said it anyway. Sometimes legitimate threats and cries for help are dismissed because people like me say stupid things. It's a serious issue and we need to address it and be respectful of it. Now one of my big fears is that my son will be bullied in school to the point of suicide. It happens enough that it is a concern. Then again, parents...we over worry about everything.


Hang in there, everyone :heart:

 

[MaceB]

Been having issue for a long long time like 6 ish years almost cant remember what it is like to be happy. I have posted on hear a few times about how I cant stand my job to the point where I wish I was dead at times and how I fell trapped because I cant find another job and its not for the lack of trying that is for sure. I just dont know what to do and it just fells hopeless. I have things that piss me of at work like ever day and ever day fells like a Monday. Ever day like all I can think about is how am I going to get threw another day of this crap and when is my next day off. Some days are worse today was one of those. If not for beliving in god I would have killed my self a long time ago. Its the only thing that keeps me going even though I have just about zero motivation left in life. Working like 40 hours at times with a job you cant stand is just killer all I can think about is how and if I am ever going to get out of there even when I am off and I dont fell like I have a life because its like when I am not working what am I doing? I am just looking for work is what I am doing.

Ever year like ending or a BD is just like another year of me thinking great my life is still not getting better and I still dont see a light at the end of the tunnel. Next year I will be 30 and that makes me fell old has its like man 20's over and my life still feels like its going no where. I miss like middle/highschool more and more ever day the good old days when I had like zero depression and like zero worries. I am bitter at the fact I cant find another job when I now that simple thing would take away like 90% of my depression has its just about the only thing that makes me depressed or worried the other like 10% being single. It also makes me mad at god something I dont like to fell has my beliving in god is important to me and it would also be so much easier to read the bible more often and to trust god more if I didn't have to deal with all my free time being just like job screeching.


I start school again in like 5 weeks and I am looking forward to that has I will try to only work 3 days has I am taking 4 classes and the less I am at work the better. Also summer time is harder for me because I am a big sports fan and sports is something that helps to destrate me some and something to look forward to but I am not a big baseball fan and with out the destration of having nba,nfl,nhl to watch in the summer time with them all being offseason time I go more crazy has I dont really have any thing to look forward to. I also need to lose weight about 30 lbs over weight and I am at a weight where if I am at about 15 lbs less I would fell better has that extra 15 tends to cause heart burn some of that I know is from stress to though but its hard because even if I like really try I will only lose like 2 lbs in a month and I am finding with being stressed out like 24/7 that I want to eat lots and lots of sugar.

That sucks man! My opinion - you can’t go on this way. I think you should consider quitting your job and living with your folks or something for a few months.
I worked at the same job that I hated for 5 years...and... well the bill came due. I thought that I was just hurting myself by continuing to work at a place that I hated, but no - I hurt my loved ones too. It takes a tole caring for someone who is miserable. My girlfriend committed suicide. I think she was unhappy because I was so unhappy. I got so caught up in my own anxiety about work, that I stopped looking at those around me. I didn’t see the obvious signs. I should have left when I had the chance. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being selfish by not doing anything about it.
You need to find something else. This is going to sound harsh but trust me - it comes from a place of love. You say you can’t find other work. You can. You need to. You deserve something better. Be brave. Be strong. Don’t settle for no, and find something that makes you happy. Easier said than done... I know...but you can do it! You’re smart, educated, and capable. Like you said - this is a critical time for you. Make a choice to find something better, no matter how hard or daunting it might be at the start. And stick to that choice, thick or thin. I believe in you dude. Message me if you need anything.

 

[the last son]

First therapy session on Friday. Will this honestly help? Don't think it will because I've done it a couple of times before and didn't seem to help.

 

[Mandon Knight]

First therapy session on Friday. Will this honestly help? Don't think it will because I've done it a couple of times before and didn't seem to help.

Genuinely help it does TLS, appreciate therapy is really hard work and I'm in it myself now and have been in the past, also appreciate it's a very personal journey for each of us but the one piece of advice I would give to try and answer your question is, give it time, it's not an instant fix, it's a long haul evaluation of one's own being & place currently and where you want to be, who you've been and who in turn, you'll be, and that takes time, a lot of it, keep at it, keep a diary of each session and reflect on the outcomes and what you want to address in the upcoming session week in, week out and I really hope it helps, good luck

 

[Reel-Man]

First therapy session on Friday. Will this honestly help? Don't think it will because I've done it a couple of times before and didn't seem to help.

It really depends on various things. The biggest part is the person you are doing the therapy with. This can make the difference between it being helpful or keeping things the same.

Also, another thing is if you are being helped by medication as well. Depression (from my experience) can't be simply beaten only with medicine. It takes a package deal to fight it and come out on top.

Medicine, therapy, the right changes to your life's situation to set you in a motivational and forward path.

 

[spiderman2]

That sucks man! My opinion - you can’t go on this way. I think you should consider quitting your job and living with your folks or something for a few months.
I worked at the same job that I hated for 5 years...and... well the bill came due. I thought that I was just hurting myself by continuing to work at a place that I hated, but no - I hurt my loved ones too. It takes a tole caring for someone who is miserable. My girlfriend committed suicide. I think she was unhappy because I was so unhappy. I got so caught up in my own anxiety about work, that I stopped looking at those around me. I didn’t see the obvious signs. I should have left when I had the chance. I didn’t know it at the time, but I was being selfish by not doing anything about it.
You need to find something else. This is going to sound harsh but trust me - it comes from a place of love. You say you can’t find other work. You can. You need to. You deserve something better. Be brave. Be strong. Don’t settle for no, and find something that makes you happy. Easier said than done... I know...but you can do it! You’re smart, educated, and capable. Like you said - this is a critical time for you. Make a choice to find something better, no matter how hard or daunting it might be at the start. And stick to that choice, thick or thin. I believe in you dude. Message me if you need anything.

While I have been trying to find a job for so long but just no one is looking to higher now days so it gets very frustrating all the time and I dont have another job lined up and dont know how long it will take to get one. When you work at a job you truly hate it really does like kill you inside because so much of your life is at work. Being that I am only 29 and so I have like 30+ years of working left I am just terrified that I am never going to get a new better job and that I will just have to go threw life depressed and sad all the time. Even things I like to do I dont enjoy has much has I used to do because all I can think about is how am I and am I going to ever get a new job? I know its not good for me mentaly or physically. I cant sleep, I want to eat nothing but sugar and I need to lose like 30 lbs that is about how much over weight I am and I dont lose weight easy at all even when I do really eat while. So wanting sugar all the time dont help and lack of sleep also makes your metabolism slow down to. Because I dont get sleep I am finding I am very forget full about things and because of my stress and ever thing I fell like I am just going to die of a heart attack at like 40 has I know stress is so bad for you.

Its just fells like I cant find a job because I have put so much effort into finding one with nothing happing. I would say I have put more time and effort into job searching than most people do in there life time already. I am still looking its just gotten to the point where I expect negativity and its so hard to stay motivated all the time. I fell like I dont have a life because its just work, looking for work, school and HW. I am so ready to find a solid job so I can just work and do things I enjoy for once when I am not working/sleeping.

Man I am sorry about your GF that is just terrible. How long ago was that? I would like to meet someone my self and get married but I fell like that is hard because 1. ever one around my age is either married/engaged/ has a bf it sure fells like. 2 I seem to attract women I am not attracted to. 3. Women I find attractive seem to not find me attractive. But behond that even though I would like to meat someone and its can be hard in the first place I fell like I really need to get my life together first any way. 1. I am not happy with my life and so I am sure that would come off and make some one not want to be with me has its not fun to be around someone who like hates life and people always talk about how you need to be happy with your self first before a relationship and it sounds like that is something you have a problem with is not being happy with your self and like you where not really ready for a relationship your self and that is how I fell to. 2. I dont really have the time for a gf because all my time is again sleeping/working/school/hw. So I dont really have time to like go out on dates or hang out or any thing really any way to try to get to know someone.

 

[boocherhix]

My step-brother's wife overdosed last night. She had had a roller coaster of a life the last couple decades, emotionally. Had issues with depression, medications & the like. She had attempted before, but went all the way last night. Her daughter(in her 20's) found her unresponsive & she never pulled through. I've known her since the early nineties, but other than feeling it in my throat when telling my boss about it this morning, I haven't really felt anything. When my Mom told me, it's like I just accepted it as another thing that's gone wrong in the world. I don't know what that says about me.

 

[MaceB]

I don't know what that says about me.

My opinion: It doesn't say anything about you. Emotions are just... emotions. They aren't you.

The important thing, I think, is to be able to appreciate that even though you aren't feeling emotions (yet), your brother and niece are, and they need your support. They need someone who can sit there and just listen while they talk. It's not a hard job, but so important.

When my girlfriend passed away... I spent the first week in shock... truly. I was worried about things like "who am I going to watch this show with" and "now I have to spend time with her family. Great." I'd evaluate my thoughts and my feelings, and use them to reinforce that there was something wrong with me. That I was obviously a terrible person.

The truth... I've shed a lifetime's worth of tears for my girlfriend since then. I do care. It's just that me caring shows up different than it does for other people, who might cry and ball the second it happens.

In these sorts of times, we have to give ourselves the grace to feel however we feel. In my case, my emotions can be really intense, and I now know that my emotions were trying to protect me by shutting down early on.

My biggest regret is that I used that internal confusion as an excuse to not be there for her mom, for her dad, for her sisters. I shut down and disconnected to protect myself.. but there were others who needed my help, and I wasn't there for them. That kind of regret sticks. So... even if you aren't feeling anything right now.... that's okay... but you've got a job to do. Do your best; be your best; the feelings will come when they need to. Focus on others right now.

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss.

 

[MaceB]

While I have been trying to find a job for so long but just no one is looking to higher now days so it gets very frustrating all the time and I dont have another job lined up and dont know how long it will take to get one.

The job market is really strong right now. Now is a great time, so I hope you're still looking and are able to find some new work. Just cause it didn't work yet, doesn't mean you should stop trying. Is there anyone that you can lean on right now? A friend or family member? There's nothing wrong with accepting help and taking a month to get away, live in a healthy environment, and to focus on you for a bit. You'd be able to focus on the job hunt that way too.

When you work at a job you truly hate it really does like kill you inside because so much of your life is at work. Being that I am only 29 and so I have like 30+ years of working left I am just terrified that I am never going to get a new better job and that I will just have to go threw life depressed and sad all the time.

Please understand... the viewpoint is the problem and not the job leading to the viewpoint. This passage represents what some folks would call a "scarcity mindset." It holds a lot of people back from trying and from ultimately finding the solutions that will make them happy. "I can't look for another job, because what will I do if I can't find one? What will I do if I look for a spouse and get rejected? What will happen to me, if I go for my dreams and I fail?" The jobs are out there my man... you can have a great career and great relationships... but it requires risk, persistence, and sacrifice on your part. Instead of being scared of failure... try flipping that script into being scared not to succeed. Don't ask yourself how you can continue to survive. Ask yourself, "what do I want to thrive?" and then chart out a way to get there. Take baby steps... little by little. But you need to know what direction you're pointing. Throwing a lot of darts and hoping that one will stick one day is most likely going to end you up in another terrible working environment, where you won't feel fulfilled. Don't do that. Put yourself first. Find out what the perfect job is for you, and start moving towards it. Because you don't deserve to die in a dead-end job brotha. You deserve to be doing what you're good at. You deserve to be doing something you love. How long would that take? 1 year? 2? 5? And would it be worth it to you to invest that kind of time and money into yourself, if it meant that you could be doing something you like at the end of it all?

My recommendation - make a dream board. yeah, it sounds cheesy.. but in order to get what you want, you need to know what you want. Write out your dreams for the next 1 year, 5 years, and 10 years. Put it on the wall right next to your mirror... some place you'll see it first thing in the morning. When you get up, spend 10 minutes meditating on how you want the day to go. When you're about to go to sleep, spend 10 minutes meditating on how the day went, and what YOU could have done to make it better - not others. You're in control.

I know it sounds new age, but I've found tapping to be a more effective technique than you might think. I'd recommend trying it.
https://www.thetappingsolution.com/what-is-eft-tapping/

And also, you need to find an outlet that you can do in community with other people. Block out 1-2 hours every week to meet with other people - it could be NA, it could be a movie club, it could be a political party, it could be a new weightlifting lass, it could rollerskating Fridays....whatever.... you need to meet with people who you can be open with and grow with, and who are there to support you. This does not include Bill from work, where you hang with him at his house getting trashed on Friday nights.... that's not community... that's avoiding your problems with another person.

Even things I like to do I dont enjoy has much has I used to do because all I can think about is how am I and am I going to ever get a new job? I know its not good for me mentaly or physically. I cant sleep, I want to eat nothing but sugar and I need to lose like 30 lbs that is about how much over weight I am and I dont lose weight easy at all even when I do really eat while. So wanting sugar all the time dont help and lack of sleep also makes your metabolism slow down to. Because I dont get sleep I am finding I am very forget full about things and because of my stress and ever thing I fell like I am just going to die of a heart attack at like 40 has I know stress is so bad for you.

I face similar problems. I'm an alcoholic/addict and self care is my primary difficulty. How to eat the right amount; how to exercise; how to bathe.... these things come difficult to me. Why? I don't know... it probably comes down to self love. If you don't love yourself enough to take care of yourself, then that frees everyone else of responsibility to care for you too. And in some ways... suicide by lifestyle feels like the most appealing choice. That way, my mom doesn't have to get upset about me slashing my wrists... I'll just fall into a diabetic coma one day instead. She'll be able to handle that better.
My advice - fake it till you make it brotha. We get fooled into thinking that our head is the primary source of who we are... but it's not. You are more than just your mind; in fact, your mind is a big trickster, who wants to fool you into analyzing the bad things. It's easy to feel like junk and then to say, "well, I feel like junk... and that's why my body acts like junk. Again, flip that script... treat your body well, and your mind will start treating you better. Physical health isn't the end, it's the beginning... so get out there, and demand that you spend at least 1-2 hours doing aerobic exercise everyday. Will it fix the underlying causes of your depression? No... but it very well could give you the energy and the mental agility you need to start to recognize how and why you're depressed. It's important to start with physical exercise and good nutrition first.

Its just fells like I cant find a job because I have put so much effort into finding one with nothing happing. I would say I have put more time and effort into job searching than most people do in there life time already. I am still looking its just gotten to the point where I expect negativity and its so hard to stay motivated all the time. I fell like I dont have a life because its just work, looking for work, school and HW. I am so ready to find a solid job so I can just work and do things I enjoy for once when I am not working/sleeping.

There's nothing wrong with you brotha. Others have achieved exactly what you say you want to achieve, and yes... you can do it too. The problem isn't with the conditions. The problem is how you're interpreting those conditions. Yes, it's hard. That's okay. It's going to be hard. But impossible? No, not impossible. Everything you want, you can achieve.
Sometimes, a mantra can help with these motivation issues. The mantra I was taught: I'm a courageous, honest, trusting, and forgiving man. I say that to myself about 20-30 times a day, particularly when the negative self talk starts to rear it's head. Just switch the adjectives to something that you feel speaks to you. What kind of man are you? What kind of man do you want to be? It won't turn around the negative thinking overnight, but it's a tool that you can use to blunt those repetitive talking points like, "I can't do this," or "this is never going to work." Replace the bad with the good.. even if it feels unnatural. Fake it til you make it.

Man I am sorry about your GF that is just terrible. How long ago was that? I would like to meet someone my self and get married but I fell like that is hard because 1. ever one around my age is either married/engaged/ has a bf it sure fells like. 2 I seem to attract women I am not attracted to. 3. Women I find attractive seem to not find me attractive.

It's coming up on 5 months since it happened. She downed a whole bottle of meds on March 7th and suffered severe brain damage.... she was pronounced brain dead on March 15th. She was the most amazing girl; it's hard to describe her. She loved to clean. She worked at Starbucks for 15 years... she could have been a manager easily, but she never sought accolades or anything like that. She just wanted to work an easy job during the week, and go outside and hike in nature on the weekends. She was unbelievably kind to strangers and to friends... she taught me courtesies like, don't smoke while in the drive through and it's important to send christmas cards... things like that. In her words, "you're either one of those people who replaces the toilet paper roll for other people, or you aren't."
She had the most beautiful, big brown eyes. She laughed from her whole body, and she put everyone at ease around her. She was never too afraid to politely ask for what she wanted. She was fearless and loving.....I was her Sun and Sky and she was my Moon and Stars. Thank you for asking about her.. I like telling people about her.

In terms of finding someone... so many people try to find others, in order to complete themselves. Again, this is backwards... Work on being complete on your own, and potential partners will flock to you. So work on you man... and do the things that you want to do. Join books clubs to read books you like, or a gym to get the physique you want, or join a train photography group... whatever. The point is, don't look for a girlfriend on a dating site. Look for a life that makes you happy, and you'll find girls who want a similar life that you do. It sounds like we're on the same page on this one.

Lastly... since you have a job and presumably insurance, I think you should consider seeing a psychologist who can 1) provide medications if needed (they do help, and you don't need to be on them forever) and 2) provide talk therapy. Medications alone will not be enough in my experience. Sorry for the long post man. Just my two cents.

 

[Mandon Knight]

Mace B - Your courage and heart are defining, I am crying with your words in your last post. Beautiful descriptive words of your partner, she and you were so fortunate to have each other, I know you know this and I am so incredibly sorry for your loss and take my hat & heart to you for your bravery.

Hugs, thoughts and all the best with you as you grieve.

We on this thread are here for you, as I am for anyone with the courage to post here, you are all gods amongst the stars as far as I am concerned.

Much love gang x

 

[Flash525]

Please understand... the viewpoint is the problem and not the job leading to the viewpoint. This passage represents what some folks would call a "scarcity mindset." It holds a lot of people back from trying and from ultimately finding the solutions that will make them happy. "I can't look for another job, because what will I do if I can't find one? What will I do if I look for a spouse and get rejected? What will happen to me, if I go for my dreams and I fail?" The jobs are out there my man... you can have a great career and great relationships... but it requires risk, persistence, and sacrifice on your part. Instead of being scared of failure... try flipping that script into being scared not to succeed. Don't ask yourself how you can continue to survive. Ask yourself, "what do I want to thrive?" and then chart out a way to get there. Take baby steps... little by little. But you need to know what direction you're pointing. Throwing a lot of darts and hoping that one will stick one day is most likely going to end you up in another terrible working environment, where you won't feel fulfilled. Don't do that. Put yourself first. Find out what the perfect job is for you, and start moving towards it. Because you don't deserve to die in a dead-end job brotha. You deserve to be doing what you're good at. You deserve to be doing something you love. How long would that take? 1 year? 2? 5? And would it be worth it to you to invest that kind of time and money into yourself, if it meant that you could be doing something you like at the end of it all?

I don't think it's quite that simple.

I've been in my current place of employment for 12/13 years now, and the last two years or so, I've wanted out; the job has just become mind-numbing, and whilst I'm not depressed, I fear the day that I end up that way (if at all).

I have basic qualifications, though never progressed to University (the idea of further education after college simply didn't appeal to me - I wanted to be out there earning). I did a three year college course in computing (now seriously out of date considering how fast technology and computing have progressed) and I'm in a job that's reasonably well paid for what it is, but lacks character, progression or achievement.

I'm on an annual salary of £27,000 (approx. $35200), that's after twelve years and a bit of work, and shift rate. I've worked my way up here, and outside of work, have bills to pay. I'm making a profit financially, but only a small one.

I've been looking around and applying for other jobs these past months, but their starting salary is typically £16,000 - £18,000 ($20800 - $22140) and I simply cannot afford that drop. It's roughly 1/3 of my wages that I'd be left without, and as I lack the experience or qualifications elsewhere, I'm stuck. It's okay saying to quit, or take a year out, or just get another job, but when you've got bills to pay, it really isn't that simple!

I keep picking the wrong lottery numbers too. Doesn't help!

 

[Donner]

Those are some seriously low salaries. What kind of work do you do?

It's outrageous that employers would pay that kind of wage. How is anyone expected to live on that?

 

[Mandon Knight]

Those are some seriously low salaries. What kind of work do you do?

It's outrageous that employers would pay that kind of wage. How is anyone expected to live on that?

Welcome to the UK, we work longer, harder for less. We work unpaid overtime more than the majority of Europe. Our work / life balance is out of sync more than anywhere else in the 'affluent' countries. Our country is f-ed.

 

[Flash525]

Those are some seriously low salaries. What kind of work do you do?

I work as a qualification technician (probably sounds more interesting than it is); essentially build, test and qualify products for the oil and gas industry, but the company is kinda' at the bottom of that chain somewhere - we're nowhere near the likes of FMC, Aker, Esso or Shell.

It's outrageous that employers would pay that kind of wage. How is anyone expected to live on that?

Many people struggle. Most of my friends still live at home simply because they cannot afford to move out on their own. Most people my age (it seems) are either living with their parents, or have settled down with someone and so have their bills split. I can't actually think of anyone else I know my age who's got their own morgage; if they're not living with their parents still, then they're house/flat sharing or renting.

Edit: My brother (who is younger) also has his own place, though it's more a flat than a house. He earns less than me, and some months he can only just pay his bills. He's gotta' be so careful with his money. I don't presently have much of a social life, so my outgoings aren't too extravagant, but I'm not making massive savings.

 

[Donner]

Sounds like it. Something went horribly wrong somewhere.