It pains me to write this.
Last night I went drinking with my cousin, and got so hammered that he ordered me to crash at his house so I wouldn't have to drive home. I did so, but I'd never been to his house before. He and his wife have a nice house. I mean, a NICE house. They're VERY well off.
So, he lets me stay in their guest room, I pass out on their guest bed. Simple enough, right? Except 4AM rolls around and I REALLY have to pee. Like, insane, drunk-man pee. I get out of the bed, and I suddenly realize that I have NO IDEA where I am because I've never been in their house before.
It's pitch black in this bedroom. I run my drunken hands and fingers along the walls trying to find a light switch. I can't find it. I can't find a door. I'm so drunk and dizzy in total darkness, I have no concept of where a door knob is.
It reaches the point where I give up. I find a corner in the bedroom and just start peeing on the carpet. As I'm doing it, I completely hate myself, internally screaming, "HOW AM I GOING TO GET AWAY WITH THIS." And it's a LOT of pee. I mean, I'm peeing for a solid minute. It's a drunk man's release.
Panicking, not being to see anything, I just start stomping on the spot with my socks on, letting my socks soak up as much as possible. It's not helping. AT ALL. So I take my socks off and go back to sleep.
Around 6:30AM rolls around, and the tiniest bit of light comes through the windows. I can now see inside this bedroom. I find the door. I find the lightswitch. I turn it on. I look at the spot and it's MASSIVE. Like, I'm NEVER going to get away with it.
I open the door and search for a bathroom, tip-toeing in bare feet. I find the bathroom, grab as many paper towels, tissues, toilet paper as I can, and sneak it back to the room. I soak all of it on the carpet, stomp on it, scrub the carpet, and I take my time hiding the wads at the bottom of the trash can in the bathroom / flush the rest.
It looks good enough. It doesn't really look like anything happened. My cousin wakes up, he drives me to my car, and that's it. I got away with it.