So, yesterday someone mentioned that his wife thought that Henry looked attractive from far away, but ugly close-up. I became intrigued by this concept, given the fact that I consider him to be empirically attractive, so I decided to do an independent study on the subject, using an extremely unscientific single-subject design, in which I was the subject. I decided to view a series of pictures of Henry, and record my observations.
(I also decided to do this because Spidey requested pictures of Henry, and while these are old, they are....er....concentrated in one spot.)
Exhibit A:
Ahh.....now, one can clearly see that the makers of Man of Steel were using that age old trick of encouraging the actor to jack up his body and grow a beard in order to cover up his homely features. Clearly, as stated by the previous poster, he is attractive from far away in this shot.
Let's move on to exhibit B, another faraway body shot, this time with the beard removed:
(Mouth drops open) Well, clearly the photo is too far away to really accurately critique Henry's facial features or bulging, sinewy body, so let's move in a little closer:
Exhibit C: ....uh......well.....it's certainly possibly that the filmakers are now using dirt and grime to mask the unattractive facial features of the actor in question.......however, I can't really tell, so I need to move in a little closer.....
(Breathing hard) Hmmmmm......., in examining the smile in exhibit D, it is certainly possible that the subject is growing less attractive, but I'm not really sure. I think I need to analyze another photo in order to be sure:
(Mops brow with closest nearby cloth-like substance) Exhibit E is clearly another attempt to mask the subject's objectionable facial features by exposing his hairy chest. Must.....move....along......
(Heart rate accelerating rapidly) In this close up candid photo, one might possibly be able to say that Henry is no longer as attractive as he seems.....(excuse me while I go get a drink of water; I'm suddenly feeling dehydrated)
I think a full-on, clear photo of his face is in order at this point; note, if you will, exhibit somethingorother......
Right......(slightly wheezing)....I really don't have a comment at this point, so we should probably just move on......
(Gasping for breath) Okay, can't quite handle this, I think we just need need to pull back to something a little further away and safer......
(Falls to floor, clutching chest in pain) OKAY, maybe pulling back to something further away is a bad idea. Sorry, I'm feeling really out of it and need to step away for a moment......
(Staggers to feet while thrusting index into the air) I think I've got it! The woman who stated that Henry was ugly close up must have had such a strong visceral response to him that she almost passed out! Consequently, she associated his photo with a general feeling of malaise and voila: the ugly close up is born!
I feel so much better now, considering that Henry is, after all, one of the few people on the planet who can be considered to be empirically attractive.
On a more serious note, (or not), I do believe that Henry's attractiveness has directly led to some of the less than positive responses to Man of Steel. Case in point: after my first viewing, I left the theater feeling somewhat confused. I complained out loud that I thought it was pretty lame that Clark just happened to show up at the location of the ancient ship; I was really disappointed that there was no explanation. My husband and mother-in-law looked at my funny and told me that it was clearly explained by the military guys in the diner. Huh?? What?? There were military guys in the diner? And they were talking about something???
Oh yeah....wasn't that the scene when we first see Henry without the thick beard? I was staring at him so hard that I completely missed their conversation......
I'm telling you, his face is a real problem. It could seriously be affecting people's experience of the film. Poor guy. They're really going to have to do something about that.
t:
Sorry if I overreacted; I was suddenly feeling a little silly, but I was just trying to make some people smile, and I figured, after lurking around here for a long time, that it was safe to go a little over the top.
*Sits down and weeps in shame*
