Lord of the Advice: Fellowship of the Relationship

[Optimus_Prime_]

Superheroes are all essentially *****ebags who think random acts of "kindness" make up for they're overwhelmingly bad control-freak personalities.

If Batman wasn't a prick he would've simply flown to Gotham got on TV and said:

"You all a bunch of stupid a**holes! You let my parents f***ing die because with all your wealth you won't hire more than four f***ing police officers for Gotham f***ing city and you let vagrants walk the streets with guns because you can't do patrols with four f***ing police officers! I swear y'all better get your act together or I'm gonna dress like a bat and then beat all y'alls a**es! I just want to spend my money and bang supermodels but nooooo you guys just leave huge messes everywhere. And why are you letting criminals come to court with ACID?!? Don't you guys run security in court houses? Now are DA has gone nuts! Hey and give that stupid clown the electric chair! Damnit!"

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Who doesn't call their SO obscenities?

Especially in bed.

I'm not obviously advocating calling anyone anything but I never assume the words have meanings. Actions always speak louder.

...but yeah, I use those words in bed. Hell to the yeah.

 

[Anita18]

I don't know about genetically, but I feel like that at the moment too.

My mum has never been married. She had various sexual relationships in the past (she was a flower girl lol) and had people she had strong feelings for. But even at the age of 36 when she had me, she still hadn't committed to anyone seriously. My Dad had just been a charmer she'd been 'seeing' and he certainly didn't want to have a kid with her.

She raised me on her own, she never had a boyfriend, not even a date, until I was 15. That guy she did settle down with, for the last 10 years. They bought a house together 3 years ago and moved in together after 7 years of a little bit of long distance.

Now it's all falling apart. But as sad as she is about it, she's kind of relieved. She's looking forward to having her independance back. To not having to look after anyone else. To just being quiet, and alone and free to do as she pleases. The idea of being alone again, at the age of 60, does not frighten her in to staying put and being miserable. And she doesn't even think she'll bother with another relationship now. She has enough friends and companions around her not to need it.

This is the woman who raised me. This is the woman I take after to a 'T'. I am like her in so many ways, and I look up to her so much. She's not some cold, hard woman either. She's the most affectionate, kind and compassionate person I know. She just doesn't need a man to make her happy.

I have never understood the need some people seem to have to find a partner as though that is the priority of life and the only way you can feel complete.

My mum feels complete when she is independant.

And as I'm growing up, I'm finding this is true of me as well.

I want to experience love, connections, have fun with people, date and have fleeting romances. But I don't know if I'll ever be one of those people who finds a partner that I'd want to share a life with, or settle down with.

It'd have to be someone really special

But now they are

Yeah, this is a prime example of someone taking after their parent. Not necessarily in a bad way, but she's a role model for you, you see how she does things, and you think, "Hey, this isn't a bad way to go about life."

Not all relationships are constricting. My parents are pretty independent and do their own thing and they've been married 30 years. The only time they're together in the same room is for eating and sleeping, pretty much. And sometimes my mom will do crafts while my dad watches TV. I've never gotten the idea that you have to do everything together in a marriage or you have to force the other person to do something, and that's reflected in my own relationship. It feels nice to have the other person around, but you don't have to be joined at the hip.

No there's nothing wrong with that -- just that i've been moping over it... but I don't think... it's building up my confidence or anything like that (though the "hey you slimmed down!" from people doesn't hurt every once in a while t: ... if they only knew.) I don't think I'll ever get this girl--maybe if she changed herself dramatically there'll be a chance. I'll just accept the fact that I'm not what she's looking for. It's getting easier to accept that.

One question for you - you don't think you'll "ever" get this girl, but why do you want to? She's dropping out of college and is hung up over a guy who does drugs and is alcoholic. I guess you haven't described her personality well enough, but I'm having a hard time recalling any real redeeming qualities about her.

Does she make you want to be a better person? Does she inspire you? Do you feel comfortable around her?

I guess I'm an old fart, but if someone doesn't check off those three things, it befuddles me as to why you'd want to be with her in the first place.

I wanted to marry my bf when I realized how inspirational and supportive he'd always been of me. It feels really nice to have someone in your corner 100%, even when you don't believe it yourself.

But yeah, more often than not, it's easier to categorise a rejection as something that's overtly superficial on the other person's part, when the greater truth is that it's something closer to you than her.

But... then there's what happened to me. When the other person isn't interested she isn't interested. Doesn't matter how you play it. It's not meant to be. The only thing you can do is pat yourself in the back and say "congratulations bub you just wasted +5 points of EMOTION on someone who didn't get it. You've Achieved "EMOTIONAL SHIELD".

For what it's worth, you get a bit more cynical, a bit more okay to be alone, and a bit more jaded. In the end it works out well for the potential future mate. She'll be better than this girl, so it only fits that I try to be better than who I am now.

That's what happened to me after my first relationship, but to say that it was cynicism is a bit of an overreaction. I learned not to be infatuated with someone until I could test out our compatibility. It's actually not a bad thing - a friend of mine was recently burned by someone she had a serious thing for, but turned out to an A+ narcissist. Sometimes you really do want to check someone out before throwing your heart into the ring.

Actually I think the most important thing to realise is that being 'content' isn't a state you can ever constantly be in.

No matter what your life is, everyone has problems. And even when you don't have actual physical problems in your life and everything is going perfectly... Sometimes you're just going to inexplicably be unhappy. In a bad mood, lonely, confused, conflicted.

And that's okay. It's normal. It's the natural way of things. Ups AND downs. Good AND bad.

It's the people that seem to think being in a relationship, or achieving anything they've got their heart set on even if it isn't a woman/man, is going to make everything right. Those are the people who are going to be constantly dissapointed.

Because when things don't become perfect after they get what they wanted, they'll convince themselves they got it wrong. That this isn't the perfect girl or the perfect job or the perfect place. And then they will screw it all up and start 'looking' for that contentment again.

I guess what I'm saying is that you've gotta be content with your own discontent

Depends on your attitude. I'm pretty much happy all the time, but that's not because I am where I want to be. I'm happiest when I'm working toward goals and making progress. The day I run out of things to learn and/or work on will probably be the day I die. Also something I learned from my mom. She retired years ago and still keeps herself busy learning new crafts and such. It's the doing that's fun, and feeling that you've accomplished something.

I've noticed that people aiming for 100% perfection 100% of the time are never happy. They're always looking at the superficial layer for perfection and checking off boxes, but fail to dig underneath to find out what's really and truly important, and what would actually make them happy.

I agree... that's something that'd make you a lot happier (and apathetic towards that). The pursuit of happiness has CRIPPLED us

Being inexplicably unhappy, in a bad mood, and feeling alone is something that seems to be a chronic condition with me... THROUGHOUT MY LIFE. And it sucks. It hurts. It's friggin existentially pathetic at times. And I have to live with that. I have to be able to be happy on my own before I pull on someone else -- it's not like that person, or that goal, or that place, can save me. But I totally get where that feeling of estrangement comes from, and yes, it is completely normal. So we have goals, we pursue them. That isn't bad is it? We fail, we try again, we fail again. The point should be that we're failing better.

I'm taking it another way now though... if things are so utterly hopeless and terrible, if this is the worst that can happen to me, then yeah that's a good thing. It means I'm facing my worst fears of being alone, isolated and unhappy and then surviving.

Emotionally it feels like being stabbed with a knife... repeatedly, but then you start to realize that it isn't killing you. What I'm trying to get at is this: if being alone is my greatest fear, i'd rather confront it now and be able to be NOT AFRAID OF IT damn it. The more I think of it -- this non-thing with the girl i was pursuing hurt me more because it made me feel alone, and then i saw her being all alone and depressed and i empathised with that and wanted to help her out but she didn't need my help -- she needed someone else's. It hurt me because i thought i was utterly alone again and i was afraid of being alone.

That has to stop.

Let's start from the beginning - what was your parents' relationship like and how did they treat you?

OTOH, you're still young, Nave. When I was with my first bf at 19, I was still in that fairytale mentality that I had to be with someone and I couldn't be alone, etc etc. It was unhealthy, but a good learning experience and he's always been a good guy. We just weren't compatible. It was only after college and I experienced true freedom that I could feel comfortable doing my own thing.

So...in some sense, you have to examine WHY you want to be in a relationship before you jump into one. Getting into a serious relationship simply because you don't want to be alone is a recipe for trouble. Do you feel being in a relationship will validate you as a person? "Look at me, I'm with someone, that means I'm cool/manly/nice/mature." Were your parents dependent on each other? Did they make you feel dependent on them? The list could go on.

 

[DV8]

Ironically this is the same as putting p***y on a pedestal. Erecting an image an insisting the image is reality. In the case of *****ebags its generally always minor indiscretions that warrant that term, if you even want to call them that.

wait, did you really put these two sentences together?

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

You honestly don't see what's wrong with a guy calling his girlfriend a ho? That's a huge deal. If she cheated, then leave her. Don't run around calling her a ho.

There's this stigma in this thread that being an *******, being a prick, gets a free pass under the guise of a guy being "confident".

Confidence is good. My father always taught me that a level of selfish behavior is a good thing. Doing for me, and looking out for me, prevents others from having to take care of me. And I believe in that. -THAT- is confidence.

Calling your girlfriend a ho, being inconsiderate and disrespectful of others, and generally being an arrogant prick isn't. Its being a *****e bag.

But around here, all that *****ebaggy behavior gets a free pass by being called "alpha male" behavior, and those guys that call them out on it are just "beta males", too shy, unconfident and spineless to go and take what they want, so they see someone with confidence as a "*****e".

That's a rather ****** perspective. We've already had SuperMike do that in this thread, multiple times talking about the "white knights" showing up because they called him on some of his ****. He even played off rape as just a "man being confident / alpha male trait".

It takes a real arrogance, and q lack of being able to reflect upon yourself, to justify mistreating others because hey, you're just confident and those that don't like it are just betas.

Maybe a woman has acted like a *****, and brought the name calling upon herself, but maybe its a *****e bag trait to stoop down to the level of a *****. "if you're thinking it you should say it" - well no, not really, you don't have free reign to just run around insulting people because hey, I mean you thought it. And you know, maybe you're a *****e for -thinking- those things in the first place. If you think of your girlfriend as a ho, then you obviously don't respect her, and if you don't respect her but you're still with her, then you're probably a *****e bag for being with her either for the sex, or for the arm candy that you can show off in public as a trophy, or both. And that's a pretty *****ey way to look at and treat women.

 

[Anita18]

What a guy calls his girl honestly is not your problem, and you'll know by her actions whether or not she has a problem with it. I'm pretty sure hitting a girl is wrong, but hell, it's illegal to hit dogs and MEN also. Anyone who is dissecting someone's behavior is the jerk. I am very passionate that people should be allowed to say what is on their minds and unless they take some personal shame in it they shouldn't feel compelled to apologize. If you believe it you ought to say it.

I think you'd honestly be very surprised what people do and don't care about. How do you know the girl isn't in on it? How do you know he doesn't apologize? What's the context? Did she do something "ho-ish"? Like sleep with someone else?

Name calling is seriously not a big deal, I've gotten called good and bad names but I have my own opinion of myself that really is not effected by any of them.

Calling a guy a *****ebag for saying the word ho is a pot-kettle-black situation.

Eh, I judge people who call others names. I wouldn't necessarily paint them with the "*****ebag" label because of it, but it says a lot about their own personality that they would lash out like that. It's immature, at the very least.

And yeah, there's a scale. If you're angry momentarily and it slips out when you're ranting, that's one thing. To go on real personal tirade is another.

My friend with the non-husband, she got flowers last week. I asked her why, and she said that he "screwed up big time." Yesterday she elaborated - they live apart and she takes care of their two children by herself. He gives her NO money, she has to ask him to pay for friggin diapers sometimes. She makes half of what he does, is scrimping and saving like a fiend, and he gives her no money to take care of his own children. Last week she asked him for money for his son's school uniform because it's falling apart, and he told her to "f*** someone to get it."

I told her, "That's not a "screw-up," he CHOSE to say that to you."

And sure, I don't know him all that well personally and I don't know what else he's going through, but I consider that A+ *****ebag behavior, to be able to say that to the mother of your children.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

The problem I always have is there is two sides to every story. At the end of the day I have a genuinely positive outlook on most people. Seeing/hearing someone do or say, especially through a third party (rumors) is typically the environment under which these opinions are formed. I doubt my own perception a lot. Even if some *****ebag is truly a *****ebag I probably am too busy ignoring him/her to take notice. Like I said - not my problem. I don't usually call girls ho's outside of the bedroom, tends to be mostly reserved for dirty talk. Frankly though, even if I used the word ho today I'd like to think whomever calls me a *****ebag would have a thoughtful reason for it and that's not at all thoughtful.

There are plenty of Christians out there that right now think I'm being so bad what with my God denying science that I'm afforded a spot in some fiery pit they've imagined in their minds. So, like I say, it's all a wash. No one should be talking about other people that do not concern them personally, period.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I got a good rejection story. So this girl came up to me and grabbed my hand and started feeling my veins. She was like "You have nice arms" and so that seemed like an "in". When I took shots over her friend convinced her not to take it because I could've roofied it. I didn't. So I downed all of them in front of them in front of them and walked off. She came up to me a minute later and said "sorry I was a b*tch"

 

[L.A.]

Now after a week and a half she texted me how she's been thinking about me and still loves me. She ask if I'm still mad at her. I immediately deletedher text

 

[Erzengel]

There you go.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

You're a strong man than I am. I don't think I'd have it in me to just delete her and not respond.

Not that I'd necessarily take her back, but yea, I've never been able to just ignore someone like that.

 

[L.A.]

You're a strong man than I am. I don't think I'd have it in me to just delete her and not respond.

Not that I'd necessarily take her back, but yea, I've never been able to just ignore someone like that.

Maybe if it was couple of days after finding out she played me. But I'm no longer blinded by love and I see what that **** dud to me!I want no part of her ever again

 

[SuperMike335!!]

You honestly don't see what's wrong with a guy calling his girlfriend a ho? That's a huge deal. If she cheated, then leave her. Don't run around calling her a ho.

There's this stigma in this thread that being an *******, being a prick, gets a free pass under the guise of a guy being "confident".

Confidence is good. My father always taught me that a level of selfish behavior is a good thing. Doing for me, and looking out for me, prevents others from having to take care of me. And I believe in that. -THAT- is confidence.

Calling your girlfriend a ho, being inconsiderate and disrespectful of others, and generally being an arrogant prick isn't. Its being a *****e bag.

But around here, all that *****ebaggy behavior gets a free pass by being called "alpha male" behavior, and those guys that call them out on it are just "beta males", too shy, unconfident and spineless to go and take what they want, so they see someone with confidence as a "*****e".

That's a rather ****** perspective. We've already had SuperMike do that in this thread, multiple times talking about the "white knights" showing up because they called him on some of his ****. He even played off rape as just a "man being confident / alpha male trait".

It takes a real arrogance, and q lack of being able to reflect upon yourself, to justify mistreating others because hey, you're just confident and those that don't like it are just betas.

Maybe a woman has acted like a *****, and brought the name calling upon herself, but maybe its a *****e bag trait to stoop down to the level of a *****. "if you're thinking it you should say it" - well no, not really, you don't have free reign to just run around insulting people because hey, I mean you thought it. And you know, maybe you're a *****e for -thinking- those things in the first place. If you think of your girlfriend as a ho, then you obviously don't respect her, and if you don't respect her but you're still with her, then you're probably a *****e bag for being with her either for the sex, or for the arm candy that you can show off in public as a trophy, or both. And that's a pretty *****ey way to look at and treat women.

Yes I said, "if you want to be alpha you need to RAPE women."

Don't recall that I told someone to call women Ho's either.

If you get angry at a woman enough to call her names, out of anger, then clearly you are the wrong kind of ***hole.

I'm the kind of simply not giving a ****. If the girl cheats on you, then you dump her. The more names you call her the more it shows she really got to you, and then the more you look ********.

******** behavior is the path of Beta. Don't get ********, just get rid of her and move on and meet a new girl or a dozen.

 

[Anubis]

How do you get to be an Omega Male?

 

[SuperMike335!!]

How do you get to be an Omega Male?

Anubis, that is a very good question.

First, make sure to not have any sex until past the age of 25, remember to make excuses like moral superiority for waiting for "the one". When you finally do get laid, make sure you only do it with one girl, who you feel is your soul mate and who you pedastalize.

After she cheats on you and dumps you for another guy, because your such a wuss, then proceed to drown your sorrow in dopamine fixing mindless entertainment while getting fat on pizza and icecream. Make sure to write 2000+ word long essays under an anonymous handle on the internet about your undying love for this girl, how you will never do any better and how you feel sorry for yourself because the world screwed you over.

Make sure to be socially awkward, the more you get picked on by whatever social group you are in, the better.

It helps to continue living with your parents, especially if its your mother as long as possible. Does she have a basement? Sure beats having to take care of yourself right?

Also, avoid any of that accomplishment crap, as the less real world experiences you have, the better.

 

[WildcatNC]

Anubis, that is a very good question.

First, make sure to not have any sex until past the age of 25, remember to make excuses like moral superiority for waiting for "the one". When you finally do get laid, make sure you only do it with one girl, who you feel is your soul mate and who you pedastalize.

After she cheats on you and dumps you for another guy, because your such a wuss, then proceed to drown your sorrow in dopamine fixing mindless entertainment while getting fat on pizza and icecream. Make sure to write 2000+ word long essays under an anonymous handle on the internet about your undying love for this girl, how you will never do any better and how you feel sorry for yourself because the world screwed you over.

Make sure to be socially awkward, the more you get picked on by whatever social group you are in, the better.

It helps to continue living with your parents, especially if its your mother as long as possible. Does she have a basement? Sure beats having to take care of yourself right?

Also, avoid any of that accomplishment crap, as the less real world experiences you have, the better.

I know that dude.

 

[Anubis]

Cool.

How about Mu Male?

 

[WillardNation]

I'm the kind of simply not giving a ****. If the girl cheats on you, then you dump her. The more names you call her the more it shows she really got to you, and then the more you look ********.

******** behavior is the path of Beta. Don't get ********, just get rid of her and move on and meet a new girl or a dozen.

I will have to agree. The best way to get back at someone or get under someone's skin is to let them know they don't matter. And that's with any situation. Letting something that somebody did to you make you mad or sad is just validating them. Especially if they did that particular thing to you on purpose. Nothing pisses people off more than knowing they don't mean anything.

 

[Anubis]

But it did mean something, cuz you're actively trying to ignore them. Like that phone commercial where that chick calls that guy and tells him she's giving him the silent treatment.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Yes I said, "if you want to be alpha you need to RAPE women."

Don't recall that I told someone to call women Ho's either.

If you get angry at a woman enough to call her names, out of anger, then clearly you are the wrong kind of ***hole.

I'm the kind of simply not giving a ****. If the girl cheats on you, then you dump her. The more names you call her the more it shows she really got to you, and then the more you look ********.

******** behavior is the path of Beta. Don't get ********, just get rid of her and move on and meet a new girl or a dozen.

Have no feelings or emotions.

Yup, such a badass.

 

[Erzengel]

Maybe if it was couple of days after finding out she played me. But I'm no longer blinded by love and I see what that **** dud to me!I want no part of her ever again

You really don't have anything left to say to her. Again, good for you.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Maybe if it was couple of days after finding out she played me. But I'm no longer blinded by love and I see what that **** dud to me!I want no part of her ever again

I was on a probo-ban when you came in here for advice, and i think you were wrong to not to give her another chance.

You said that she said to you that you were being a bit of a sex maniac, and were being quite selfish with not pleasuring her, and that is obviously why she wanted to cut out the sex.
so, after that, you broke up, and she ended up trying out sex with someone else when she was drunk, and that didn't work out, so she wanted to get back with you, because there was obviously an emotional connection between you she didn't want to lose.

Now, she was quite young, so i guess you have been her only sexual partner, is it any wonder she was curious about being with someone else once you broke up?

Get her number, phone her up, get back with her, and sort out things in the sack, learn how to be a better lover and things could work out.
You are obviously miserable and want to get back to her, I don't think you have been following the right advice in this thread, the pertinant points where not responded to.

edit: I mean, when you think about it, it's her who is giving you another chance, another chance to learn how to be less selfish in the sack.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Leave the guy alone. He's in the first stages of getting over a girl he obviously no longer wants to be with. He's taken all the advice on here (including mine in which I actually tried to objectively defend the girl) and he's decided that the best option is to cut her from his life and move on.

Don't try and tell him to back track on that, it's not going to lead to anything now. The relationship is over, and should IMO stay that way because it's damaged, and probably not worth putting back together.

 

[SuperMike335!!]

But it did mean something, cuz you're actively trying to ignore them. Like that phone commercial where that chick calls that guy and tells him she's giving him the silent treatment.

No.

Too many guys get ******** when a girl does something to them, like cheating. Often around here we get ******** guys who wanted to get with a girl who "strung them along", and didn't really want to be with him in a relationship.

Then they guy wants some some sort of social revenge by talking to everybody about what the girl did to them. This only leads to painful fail.

If your heart is truly consumed with the need for revenge, because you were really deeply hurt, you STILL need to let go of the hostility and move on with your life and go make yourself happy.

"Living well is the best revenge" - George Herbert

Its not about actively trying to ignore them.

It is about getting on with your life and making yourself happy.

Have no feelings or emotions.

Yup, such a badass.

Wow, an obvious strawman followed by Ad hominem.

Thats being rude in concise form with no extra filling. You should be proud of yourself.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Leave the guy alone. He's in the first stages of getting over a girl he obviously no longer wants to be with. He's taken all the advice on here (including mine in which I actually tried to objectively defend the girl) and he's decided that the best option is to cut her from his life and move on.

Don't try and tell him to back track on that, it's not going to lead to anything now. The relationship is over, and should IMO stay that way because it's damaged, and probably not worth putting back together.

It sounds to me like he obviously *does* want to be with her, but has taken the wrong advice from this thread.
I'm just pointing out a pertinant aspect that was raised that seems to have been completely ignored.

Most people here advised him not to take her back, *because* she stopped having sex with him before she ended the relationship, and I'm saying that it sounds like she had a good reason for putting a hiatus on the sex.
and given that she is what, 22? and has been with him for 4 years, it sounds liek she was wondering what sex with someone else might be like, if she was missing out of something because he was being selfish in the sack, so she slept with someone else *after* they broke up, *and* she was drunk, so it is understandable.
So, now, it seems like she doesn't want to lose the emotional connection they had and wants to try to make the relatiosnhip right, and from the sounds of it, the sex just has to be worked on, they don't have any other problems.

I mean, I was reading all the advice you guys were giving him when i was probo-banned and was frustrated i couldn't say this to the guy before he broke up with her.
I didn't say anything more afterwrads because it seemed a done deal, it was over, but he keeps bringing her up, he seems miserable, and I think he owes to to himself, and to her, to meet up and talk about what exactly went wrong, because if it is just the actual sex, then that is totally solvable, it's not like she was out cheating on him or something and can't be trusted. Which is the general sense I got that people were trying to make her out as, as someone who would eventually leave him and break his heart, when that might not be the case at all. I see no evidence that has been raised to suggest that anyway.