Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Optimus_Prime_]

Seriously. Even when both parties agree to divorce and do it amicably, it's still a huge pain.

Yeah, anytime you see lawyers it's a hassle. Even amicable divorces have lawyer fees, and those are, heh, quite expensive.

 

[Godzilla2000]

When the person you have affections for is indecisive about his/her feelings for you all while stringing you along as he/she juggles you with another woman it's time gather your pride and leave.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Somewhere, somehow, I found some confidence that I never had before, and asked out a random girl that I met yesterday. She said yes to going out next weekend. I'm kind of impressed with myself.

 

[Anita18]

Somewhere, somehow, I found some confidence that I never had before, and asked out a random girl that I met yesterday. She said yes to going out next weekend. I'm kind of impressed with myself.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

so.

how do you stop someone from doing drugs?

this was one place i was always conscious about and was always avoiding. i never wanted to be in a place where i'm that sap who wants to "save her from her bad addiction" and then start crying over it. heck. i turned two people down just because of it.

but now. even after knowing how much i'm not okay with it, my girlfriend keeps on smoking up pot with her gal-pals and then cries over how she's afraid i'm going to leave her. her justification? it helps her to "feel." her other justification: she's been uptight all her life and just wants to let off some steam. her other-other justification: everytime she does it she's honest about letting me know. Her latest justification: i need you to see me high just once and i'll stop because i can't express myself right and convince you that i love you so much.

I dont want to pull the extreme card and say drop it or i'm gone. not yet. it hasn't gotten that bad yet. but it does bother me that she feels compelled to smoke up. i told her that and she promises that this is the last time because it was at her best friend's birthday. hell even her friend phoned me up at 4 in the morning because she had started throwing up and was all bad. i couldn't go over because i was out of town at the time.

i'm trying not to wuss up and nag about it every other day but... god damn it, i never wanted to be the guy who tells his girlfriend to quit doing drugs.

 

[jaymes_e06]

Correct me if im wrong but I feel like other people have been through this:

You date someone whos a "6" or "7" but through their interactions with you they become an"8", "9", or even "10- plus" and you two break up for whatever reasons. Then after a year of them trying to win you back and you being over them and not really wanting anything other than a friendship they find someone new and start acting happy again without you. Is it wrong to be pissed not that they moved on but that this other person they moved on with is reaping the benefits of this person you helped "create?"

 

[Rodrigo90]

deleted

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

She's cute, but I wonder if she also loves having her picture posted on a public message board for a bunch of random strangers to see.

 

[Rodrigo90]

She's on POF
Any perv can gawp over her lol

 

[Matt Mortem]

so.

how do you stop someone from doing drugs?

this was one place i was always conscious about and was always avoiding. i never wanted to be in a place where i'm that sap who wants to "save her from her bad addiction" and then start crying over it. heck. i turned two people down just because of it.

but now. even after knowing how much i'm not okay with it, my girlfriend keeps on smoking up pot with her gal-pals and then cries over how she's afraid i'm going to leave her. her justification? it helps her to "feel." her other justification: she's been uptight all her life and just wants to let off some steam. her other-other justification: everytime she does it she's honest about letting me know. Her latest justification: i need you to see me high just once and i'll stop because i can't express myself right and convince you that i love you so much.

I dont want to pull the extreme card and say drop it or i'm gone. not yet. it hasn't gotten that bad yet. but it does bother me that she feels compelled to smoke up. i told her that and she promises that this is the last time because it was at her best friend's birthday. hell even her friend phoned me up at 4 in the morning because she had started throwing up and was all bad. i couldn't go over because i was out of town at the time.

i'm trying not to wuss up and nag about it every other day but... god damn it, i never wanted to be the guy who tells his girlfriend to quit doing drugs.

My experience has been that for a person to give up an addiction they have to want to change on their own. Forcing a change rarely works. Again, this is just my experience, but if a person really doesn't want to change, they won't.

 

[The Squirrel]

She's on POF
Any perv can gawp over her lol

Ok. But your still posting her picture on a different website, without her permission. You don't see a problem with that? Or how that is kind of creepy?

 

[Rodrigo90]

Ok. But your still posting her picture on a different website, without her permission. You don't see a problem with that? Or how that is kind of creepy?

Fine. I shall remove it. No harm, no foul lol. MOVING ON...

I have been trying to get a date with a cute girl, who's into comics and PS3...on POF...bugger it

 

[Anita18]

so.

how do you stop someone from doing drugs?

this was one place i was always conscious about and was always avoiding. i never wanted to be in a place where i'm that sap who wants to "save her from her bad addiction" and then start crying over it. heck. i turned two people down just because of it.

but now. even after knowing how much i'm not okay with it, my girlfriend keeps on smoking up pot with her gal-pals and then cries over how she's afraid i'm going to leave her. her justification? it helps her to "feel." her other justification: she's been uptight all her life and just wants to let off some steam. her other-other justification: everytime she does it she's honest about letting me know. Her latest justification: i need you to see me high just once and i'll stop because i can't express myself right and convince you that i love you so much.

I dont want to pull the extreme card and say drop it or i'm gone. not yet. it hasn't gotten that bad yet. but it does bother me that she feels compelled to smoke up. i told her that and she promises that this is the last time because it was at her best friend's birthday. hell even her friend phoned me up at 4 in the morning because she had started throwing up and was all bad. i couldn't go over because i was out of town at the time.

i'm trying not to wuss up and nag about it every other day but... god damn it, i never wanted to be the guy who tells his girlfriend to quit doing drugs.

You can't. She has to want it for herself.

My fiance takes a toke every once in a while, but it's not social (ie, not peer pressure) and he says it helps him relax. I notice more if he hasn't gone out to skateboard more than if he hasn't taken a hit, honestly. But I haven't seen any negative reactions (like throwing up) and if he were to overdo it, I'd speak up, and I think he would expect me to.

If she genuinely wants to stop, you can support her. Not by giving her ultimatums, but by giving her alternatives. My fiance has been trying meditation, and I notice that he's been smoking less when he's skateboarding more. It helps that he doesn't do it socially, so there isn't the issue of dealing with friends who don't want to quit.

But first she has to want it. If you're not cool with that aspect of her, and she's not cool with that aspect of you, it really just isn't going to work out. It's just on a basic level.

Correct me if im wrong but I feel like other people have been through this:

You date someone whos a "6" or "7" but through their interactions with you they become an"8", "9", or even "10- plus" and you two break up for whatever reasons. Then after a year of them trying to win you back and you being over them and not really wanting anything other than a friendship they find someone new and start acting happy again without you. Is it wrong to be pissed not that they moved on but that this other person they moved on with is reaping the benefits of this person you helped "create?"

Not wrong to feel upset, but it's honestly, it's kind of silly on a rational level. The scale is different for everyone and I hate using it. Plus she's not "your creation," she's her own person.

Is that better?

 

[Anita18]

Fine. I shall remove it. No harm, no foul lol. MOVING ON...

I have been trying to get a date with a cute girl, who's into comics and PS3...on POF...bugger it

Also, it might be putting the cart before the horse if you posted her pic on here before you've even gone out on a date. What if she turns you down? You've pretty much already proclaimed her yours over the net. It's bad karma, dude.

 

[Rodrigo90]

Aye, true. Also, I have suspicions it's someone messing, or someone just incredibly dumb...Don't let pics fool you is my warning

 

[Spider-Who?]

Question. Need some advice.

Long story short. Girlfriend wants to go away to a different city for school. I have a lot rooted here (family, friends, future etc) and would also (unfortunately) be sacrificing a potentially amazing pension. FYI, I'm 25 and a teacher. The pensions here are quite strong if you work your whole career here. However, new hires (or teachers who leave and then come back) are given a different pension, worth significantly less.

My girlfriend has definitely made a few sacrifices for me as she's decided to stay in this city (which she's not crazy about, even though it is her hometown, she just hates the winter). I would probably be willing to make the sacrifice and leave if I wasn't giving up amazing security for the long-term, especially because she's going away only for two years. But it's a bit of a deal-breaker for me. I like it here and have a lot here. And while I know her leaving is temporary, it sure puts a dent in my/our future.

Am I being selfish? Should I go? Should we try long-distance? I'm just looking out for my and hopefully her future. It's a bit of a problem.

A couple questions:

How long have you two been together?
How serious is your relationship?
Have you researched potential jobs in the new town? If so, so any of them appeal to you?

These are important things to be really honest with yourselves about when you consider quiting your job and moving for someone else.

All that out of the way...look at it this way: you are 25 years old. You've been out of college for what? Two years? You are still a kid with an entire life's worth of opportunities ahead of you. You don't have children (I'm assuming) which frees you up even more. In a couple of years it'll be far harder for you to move and experience new things. Yet here you are, saying you're going to turn away new opportunities because of something you MIGHT have 30 years from now? Chances are, you might regret that perspective.

If I were in your shoes and was serious about this girl, I would seriously look into moving with her. Start looking at job opportunities out there. Who knows , you might find something even better.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

She gave me her number to text her and make plans to go out next weekend, AND she gave me a fist bump afterwards.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

My experience has been that for a person to give up an addiction they have to want to change on their own. Forcing a change rarely works. Again, this is just my experience, but if a person really doesn't want to change, they won't.

You can't. She has to want it for herself.

My fiance takes a toke every once in a while, but it's not social (ie, not peer pressure) and he says it helps him relax. I notice more if he hasn't gone out to skateboard more than if he hasn't taken a hit, honestly. But I haven't seen any negative reactions (like throwing up) and if he were to overdo it, I'd speak up, and I think he would expect me to.

If she genuinely wants to stop, you can support her. Not by giving her ultimatums, but by giving her alternatives. My fiance has been trying meditation, and I notice that he's been smoking less when he's skateboarding more. It helps that he doesn't do it socially, so there isn't the issue of dealing with friends who don't want to quit.

But first she has to want it. If you're not cool with that aspect of her, and she's not cool with that aspect of you, it really just isn't going to work out. It's just on a basic level.


Not wrong to feel upset, but it's honestly, it's kind of silly on a rational level. The scale is different for everyone and I hate using it. Plus she's not "your creation," she's her own person.

Is that better?

She says she wants to but that she'll need be to be there for her. But then she slips up and does it again. And it's not like she's good at keeping it under control, when she gets high she gets physically bad, and yes throws up and breaks down. Kind of the opposite of "relaxing" I'd say. And she says she understands that and will quit.

Close friend of hers just spoke to me in length telling me how she agrees with my not being okay with it. This is the same friend who has hosted these parties and provided the stuff for her. The friend says she'll "back away and keep a distance" if that's what I want. I told her not to as long as she keeps her away from the drugs.

Then I think she took an offense to that. The friend I mean. But **** her.

This girl is just as paranoid as I am. And well, deep down I feel like this lucky shmuck for having her in my life and finally starting to be hopeful again and it just cripples me -- that hope. Good things don't happen to me. Why is she happening? That sort of crazy thinking. And yeah, that paranoia ends up thinking bizarre scenarios where I end up losing her again.

I know it's just me panicking at the end of the day. As you all well know, I'm good at that.

But god am I in love with her.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

She says she wants to but that she'll need be to be there for her. But then she slips up and does it again. And it's not like she's good at keeping it under control, when she gets high she gets physically bad, and yes throws up and breaks down. Kind of the opposite of "relaxing" I'd say. And she says she understands that and will quit.

Close friend of hers just spoke to me in length telling me how she agrees with my not being okay with it. This is the same friend who has hosted these parties and provided the stuff for her. The friend says she'll "back away and keep a distance" if that's what I want. I told her not to as long as she keeps her away from the drugs.

Then I think she took an offense to that. The friend I mean. But **** her.

This girl is just as paranoid as I am. And well, deep down I feel like this lucky shmuck for having her in my life and finally starting to be hopeful again and it just cripples me -- that hope. Good things don't happen to me. Why is she happening? That sort of crazy thinking. And yeah, that paranoia ends up thinking bizarre scenarios where I end up losing her again.

I know it's just me panicking at the end of the day. As you all well know, I'm good at that.

But god am I in love with her.

I'm really glad you've found someone you love

But I think you have to accept she feels differently about drugs than you do.

I'm in a weird position because I've been on both sides of this one. I was the sober one for years while all my friends and my ex dabbled in all sorts (and much worse than just a toke). And it drove me mental worrying about people, feeling what they were doing was wrong, that they needed help, because I didn't understand the mentality whatsoever.

Few years down the line and the tables turned. I dabbled myself. And now I have a better understanding of the mentality, even though I don't do the level of things they do, what they do doesn't bother me anymore. I get it. And I know that it's completely out of my hands.

You have to accept the things you cannot change.

And the truth is, if someone has tried a drug like weed and had fun on it and is not 'addicted' to it, or it is not causing their life any problems... They are not going to have much of a reason to say no to it at a party.

At the moment, the only problem it's causing her life is that it upsets you. And while that may be a good enough reason for her to wann TRY and stop for you, because she doesn't understand what actually bothers you about it (because once you've crossed that line your whole thinking changes), it's probably hard for her to justify saying no and giving up having a good time just to satisfy your dislike of it.

So IMO, you have two options:

1. You try to explain to her properly why it bothers you this much and why it's so important that she gives it up for you

2. You accept the fact your girl has the occasional joint.

 

[Spider-Who?]

It's weed. I'd MUCH rather date someone who smoked than drank too much. Weed, despite what Nancy Reagan would have you believe, is relatively harmless, especially if its just an occasional activity. Personally, I'd try doing it with her. At the very least to see the issue from her side (and being more informed about it in general). Obviously if it were coke or something like that is give you different advice, but my opinion is that you're making a mountain out of an ant hill.

 

[Anita18]

Personally I think if you're throwing up after doing something "fun," you should probably lay off on it next time. A negative reaction like that is your body telling you you've had too damn much. I certainly believe in moderation (except for meth and bath salts), but throwing up is NOT moderation. (Although to be fair, some of us are lightweights and my friend can barf after having one beer. One beer is not "moderation" for her body, unfortunately.) Throwing up is a sign your body thinks it's being poisoned. And if you don't listen, eventually you'll get negative health effects.

So I don't think it's the fact that she smokes at all, it's that she's doing it to the point of poisoning herself. I've seen tons of people who drink so much they barf. It takes A LOT of weed to do the same thing. I've never seen someone puke on weed. That is the point of abusing it. The self-destructive behavior is rightfully scary, I think.

And I think it would still scare Nave even if the self-destructive behavior was on alcohol and not pot.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm really glad you've found someone you love

But I think you have to accept she feels differently about drugs than you do.

I'm in a weird position because I've been on both sides of this one. I was the sober one for years while all my friends and my ex dabbled in all sorts (and much worse than just a toke). And it drove me mental worrying about people, feeling what they were doing was wrong, that they needed help, because I didn't understand the mentality whatsoever.

Few years down the line and the tables turned. I dabbled myself. And now I have a better understanding of the mentality, even though I don't do the level of things they do, what they do doesn't bother me anymore. I get it. And I know that it's completely out of my hands.

You have to accept the things you cannot change.

And the truth is, if someone has tried a drug like weed and had fun on it and is not 'addicted' to it, or it is not causing their life any problems... They are not going to have much of a reason to say no to it at a party.

At the moment, the only problem it's causing her life is that it upsets you. And while that may be a good enough reason for her to wann TRY and stop for you, because she doesn't understand what actually bothers you about it (because once you've crossed that line your whole thinking changes), it's probably hard for her to justify saying no and giving up having a good time just to satisfy your dislike of it.

So IMO, you have two options:

1. You try to explain to her properly why it bothers you this much and why it's so important that she gives it up for you

2. You accept the fact your girl has the occasional joint.

Thanks hopeful I wish I could turn my pessimism around the way you have and just embrace that nickname (of yours).

I've tried 1. explained the whole thing to her. One of the reasons why it bothered me is yes, it's true I'm against it but more important than that it's because she gets really sick and depressed whenever she gets high. She's acting like a child saying things like "I've stopped my ability to feel and I can't if I don't smoke a joint" or "I'm just bored so I did it." But then when she does she starts throwing up and getting really anxious and she just takes it bad physically.

And it's just weed.

The poor girl wanted to "loosen up" and go crazy this semester and I hate myself a little for telling her not to but yes, I spoke to her about it in length. She was depressed the whole day after constantly using pot to stay elated for 3 days straight, today without I guess it's the closest you can get to a downer from pot.

It's just... I don't know. I started to question whether she was only "in love" with me when she was on pot, or if I was just y'know, just another "experiment." I have fears. I don't deny them. But I did have this conversation with her. She promised never to do it again if it bothered me so much.

Does it work that way?

Do you feel like you're in love with people you'd not bat an eye for when you're under the influence?

 

[Nave 'Torment']

It's weed. I'd MUCH rather date someone who smoked than drank too much. Weed, despite what Nancy Reagan would have you believe, is relatively harmless, especially if its just an occasional activity. Personally, I'd try doing it with her. At the very least to see the issue from her side (and being more informed about it in general). Obviously if it were coke or something like that is give you different advice, but my opinion is that you're making a mountain out of an ant hill.

Like anita just said. She's throwing up. This isn't her. It bothers me.

Oh and yeah. She suggested that i try it with her. Her very mature and wisdom-worthy words?

"I have these personal rituals where in order to get close to people I need them to see me high. It's how I connect."

The part where I didn't start spilling my coffee because of the very Kevin Smith-esque punchline?

She's not like that at all. She's acting like a child and insisting on how her "feelings have all been used up" and that she needs weed (WEED!) to start "feeling."

It's... her way of trying to act more sociable and cool. I told her how serious I was about the relationship, she at first was open about it and was the one who insisted that we take it further and make it a long commitment. I think she's just scared now of that promise.

But for what it's worth. I hope I'm making a mountain out of an ant-hill.

 

[Anita18]

Like anita just said. She's throwing up. This isn't her. It bothers me.

Oh and yeah. She suggested that i try it with her. Her very mature and wisdom-worthy words?

"I have these personal rituals where in order to get close to people I need them to see me high. It's how I connect."

The part where I didn't start spilling my coffee because of the very Kevin Smith-esque punchline?

She's not like that at all. She's acting like a child and insisting on how her "feelings have all been used up" and that she needs weed (WEED!) to start "feeling."

It's... her way of trying to act more sociable and cool. I told her how serious I was about the relationship, she at first was open about it and was the one who insisted that we take it further and make it a long commitment. I think she's just scared now of that promise.

But for what it's worth. I hope I'm making a mountain out of an ant-hill.

I dunno, it does sound like self-destructive behavior even if it isn't an uber-harmful drug like meth. It's akin to alcohol, if anything. You've got to determine whether tolerating the self-destructive behavior is worth the relationship, because she won't change unless she decides she wants to. Even if you try to give her alternatives.

She feels she NEEDS the drug in order to have fun. That's just on a level that you're not on. And I get that - I don't understand it either. Even if she wasn't on that particular drug, the fact that she feels she needs to relinquish control of herself to feel happy is a basic personality difference that would be a dealbreaker in many, many relationships. You just have to decide whether you're on the ride with her or whether it's time to hop off.

 

[Lily Adler]

Yeah, anytime you see lawyers it's a hassle. Even amicable divorces have lawyer fees, and those are, heh, quite expensive.

Huh, I think I may quit criminal law and become a divorce lawyer.