A New "Official" Relationship Advice Thread

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This is a continuation thread, the old thread is [split]370173[/split]

 

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This is a continuation thread, the old thread is [split]367407[/split]

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

As a general statement, I have to say that at times it is hilarious to watch how firmly some of the males around here believe they understand the "feminine mind" like we're all the same

I actually have a fairly simple assumption: women are humans and their brains are not fundamentally different from mine.

 

[Indrid Cold]

I actually have a fairly simple assumption: women are humans and their brains are not fundamentally different from mine.

Well...that settles it then doesn't it!?

 

[LOBO3315a]

I never claim to understand any woman. In fact I'll be the first to admit that. "Mysterious creatures" doesn't even begin to accurately describe women in my mind.

 

[Erzengel]

To know your enemy you must study them.

 

[SuperFerret]

I actually have a fairly simple assumption: women are humans and their brains are not fundamentally different from mine.

It's possible to not understand your identical twin, and you're so similar you might as well be clones. Having a fundamentally similar brain doesn't mean anything.

If you want to understand women, do what Erz suggests: watch them. Don't be afraid to stare either. They like it. Same as when you start following them. It's like a game.

A game that ends in pepper spray.

 

[bullets]

I never claim to understand any woman. In fact I'll be the first to admit that. "Mysterious creatures" doesn't even begin to accurately describe women in my mind.

There's only one way to understand woman: Think of a man , then take away all reason and accountability t:

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

It's possible to not understand your identical twin, and you're so similar you might as well be clones. Having a fundamentally similar brain doesn't mean anything.

Actually, that's wrong, and it means you're not thinking deeply enough. You're a human, and while that might seem like a no d'uh statement, you're brain works off the same relative principles everyone else does. It doesn't mean you'll get every girl, far from it, but the basis of people skills really is "do unto others as you would have done to you". What that means is you're brain responds in certain ways that unless you're truly brain damaged or have serious psychological issues. There is a reason confidence is universially more well liked that heaps of insecurity, or why success seems to walk hand in hand with risk taking behaviors.

Shoe on the other foot: what drives a guy to become obsessive over a girl. Let's strip away all the obvious sexual urges, you can even dig up posts from the previous thread. People don't create urges, feelings and sensations in a vaccuum, and while some people like vanilla and some like chocolate, these 'likes' are create by the same process.

If you're a vanilla person, outside of being a highly skilled sociopath, you're simply not going to get the chocolate lovers of the world to flock to you (let's please not turn this into some jungle fever joke btw). However the reason that vanilla people like vanilla and chocolate people like chocolate are fundamentally the same. In other words no one likes vanilla because their taste buds convince them it tastes bad, and is to be avoided.

This is why 'Nice Guys' shouldn't take rejection personally, because they don't control the tastes of that other person. Those are variables which change from person to person and no amount of time and effort will ever control a true variable. Instead you really should focus on controlling constants: how you carry yourself, your experiences, the way you talk, the way you listen, etc. These are things you have relative control over and those are the things that really drive attraction.

If you start with this "women are mysterious creatures" then you totally miss the point. There is nothing mysterious about women in general, in fact in general they're fairly straightforward. These supposed societal differences don't exist. They never existed because we were doing the whole sex thing long before some decided to create the letter "A". Individuals only have the capacity to be "mysterious creatures".

Humans love the notion that if they change the environment enough they change the animal, and nothing could be further from the truth. I forget who they attributed the quote to, I think it was Oscar Wilde but it was to the effect of "Of course they're all like you, I see none that are different".

Humans are, effectively, all identical twins. Genetically we're less than 1% different across the board, and between two random individuals much, much less.

In fact I would go so far as to say if you took everything to it's logical extreme (which is not possible, but fun for the purposes of this thread I suppose) you could create a universially attractive person. Let's say you did. I think we can all agree that his interests are somewhat irrelevant, people date in and outside their "social groups" quite frequently. What makes him attractive are his/her fundamentals: truthworthiness, excitement, confidence, perhaps looks (although I feel they are lower on the scale, because those are somewhat manufactured) etc.

I think people who struggle usually see their differences (often what they consider their flaws) as stumbling blocks in the chain of communication. They're insecure. "Players" typically focus in on insecurity because it's a quick way to stir up emotional responses. I don't know that they think of it in these terms, but that seems to be it. They also engage in a lot of games which display certain forms of confidence, albeit temporary.

If you made the mistake of reading The Game you'll notice Mystery's origin story is basically this: I observed women, then when I finally started talking to them and sharing my interests they flocked to me. The irony here is Mystery doesn't understand he didn't need a stupid pimp costume and cocaine to do this. So while it was informative for a former D&D player (he was, may still be I think) to think of women like a game, it's wholly unnecessary.

 

[Kane52630]

A great man once said... who went by the name Louis C.K, "Men f*** things up, Women are f***** up."

 

[LOBO3315a]

There's only one way to understand woman: Think of a man , then take away all reason and accountability t:

I was thinking that when I typed my post.

+2 Internets to you!

 

[bullets]

Thank you sir

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I never claim to understand any woman. In fact I'll be the first to admit that. "Mysterious creatures" doesn't even begin to accurately describe women in my mind.

There is no "they", or "women". Outside of linguistically categorizing sexes, women do not represent a group that needs to be figured out. The only reason [straight] men find women mysterious is because of our unique relationship with them. In other words most people here I'm sure wouldn't rack their brains if a male friend blew them off because he has plans, but some will overthink every ulterior motive for a woman. [Straight] Men don't typically try to win over another guys affection, or buy him drinks to butter him up for Halo later.

 

[LOBO3315a]

Oh, I see. If I become gay, I won't care.

My statement goes far beyond just romantic situations. I mean even my own mother has become hard to figure out. She's become quite lonely since her husband died. Her health has deteriorated. All she does is sit in her room and smoke cigarettes and watch television pining for a man who berated her and treated her like a 3 yr old.

I just don't get that.

 

[SpideyVille]

Oh, I see. If I become gay, I won't care.

My statement goes far beyond just romantic situations. I mean even my own mother has become hard to figure out. She's become quite lonely since her husband died. Her health has deteriorated. All she does is sit in her room and smoke cigarettes and watch television pining for a man who berated her and treated her like a 3 yr old.

I just don't get that.

How old is your mom because that could be menopause, which I believe is a time when most older women cannot be understood because of the changes inside their bodies.

Like my mom has recently been going through that and she doesn't drink or smoke, but she spends the her free time sitting, watching tv, anxiously watching for someone to call her to fill the void of how much she misses her ex, a man that she could never agree on anything with and would always argue with, especially in front of company. And now, our relationship is very strained, where sometimes she'll flip out and kick me out, and then come back and hug me moments later and apologize. Its really hard to understand now so I just stay away because she's really unpredictable.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Oh, I see. If I become gay, I won't care.

My statement goes far beyond just romantic situations. I mean even my own mother has become hard to figure out. She's become quite lonely since her husband died. Her health has deteriorated. All she does is sit in her room and smoke cigarettes and watch television pining for a man who berated her and treated her like a 3 yr old.

I just don't get that.

Yeah, but again, that's an individual. Your mom may be a mysterious person. What I'm driving at is that anyone who says "women are a mystery" probably are talking about one or very few women, and then treating that like it applies to all or most.

The point about straight men interacting with other straight men is that not many men complicate those interactions by worrying themselves to death what the other guy thinks. If a guy told you he was going to do something and then backpeddled you'd probably assume he was the jerk or you'd put the owness on him rather than mull endlessly over what flaw of yours drove him to do this. Most guys who are confident in relationships don't immediately blame themselves for a woman who breaks it off with them, jerks almost never blame themselves. It's always "what's wrong with this b****". That lack of pressure they apply to themselves is ultimately what makes them effortless in interactions. THAT is my point about other guys.

Obviously with your mother there is pressure because she's your mother. There's a relationship there that isn't going to change, unless you come to find out she's not your mother. The pressure most guys (and girls) feel about the opposite sex is largely imagined. While having notches on your bedpost or a girlfriend is nice and desireable at times, it's hardly a metric of anyone's worth -- despite how many others may frame it.

 

[SpideyVille]

Yeah, but again, that's an individual. Your mom may be a mysterious person. What I'm driving at is that anyone who says "women are a mystery" probably are talking about one or very few women, and then treating that like it applies to all or most.

Yeah I understand this. Like I used to think every girl had a problem or was a certain way until someone pointed out that maybe I just went after the wrong kinds of girls.

And then there's always that variable of the guy being the actual problem and causing the girls to react in a certain way that makes him think all girls are the same in a bad way. Like I've mentioned how I get along better with girls than guys, but those girls are usually ones that I'm not interested in or have boyfriends, therefore there is a change in my approach. The girls remain the same, but the way I act with them is what really changes.

 

[AndThePickles]

Here's what it boils down to - every person is an individual. Don't worry about trying to understand a "gender," because that involves too much stereotyping and assuming. Just pay attention to the individual in question.

 

[LOBO3315a]

How old is your mom because that could be menopause, which I believe is a time when most older women cannot be understood because of the changes inside their bodies.

Like my mom has recently been going through that and she doesn't drink or smoke, but she spends the her free time sitting, watching tv, anxiously watching for someone to call her to fill the void of how much she misses her ex, a man that she could never agree on anything with and would always argue with, especially in front of company. And now, our relationship is very strained, where sometimes she'll flip out and kick me out, and then come back and hug me moments later and apologize. Its really hard to understand now so I just stay away because she's really unpredictable.

She's 61. She's bipolar. She's.....my mom.

Yeah, but again, that's an individual. Your mom may be a mysterious person. What I'm driving at is that anyone who says "women are a mystery" probably are talking about one or very few women, and then treating that like it applies to all or most.

The point about straight men interacting with other straight men is that not many men complicate those interactions by worrying themselves to death what the other guy thinks. If a guy told you he was going to do something and then backpeddled you'd probably assume he was the jerk or you'd put the owness on him rather than mull endlessly over what flaw of yours drove him to do this. Most guys who are confident in relationships don't immediately blame themselves for a woman who breaks it off with them, jerks almost never blame themselves. It's always "what's wrong with this b****". That lack of pressure they apply to themselves is ultimately what makes them effortless in interactions. THAT is my point about other guys.

Obviously with your mother there is pressure because she's your mother. There's a relationship there that isn't going to change, unless you come to find out she's not your mother. The pressure most guys (and girls) feel about the opposite sex is largely imagined. While having notches on your bedpost or a girlfriend is nice and desireable at times, it's hardly a metric of anyone's worth -- despite how many others may frame it.

Perhaps I should have put it more like this: Every woman in my life is a mystery to me.

 

[Thebumwhowalks]

Well...that settles it then doesn't it!?

What does that mean? Are you saying that you don't consider the dancing guy in your post to be human? You actually don't look at him as if he is a human being? So, what do you look at him as?

 

[HisMagicTrick]

Here's what it boils down to - every person is an individual. Don't worry about trying to understand a "gender," because that involves too much stereotyping and assuming. Just pay attention to the individual in question.

This is by far the most logical (and correct) statement on this entire page.

 

[Spider-Who?]

This is by far the most logical (and correct) statement on this entire page.

And therefore it must be violently ignored.

 

[SpideyVille]

LOL, the funny thing is as much as guys here try to figure out how "girls work and think" in broad stereotypes, there are plenty of woman out there who don't understand guys and why they are the way they are in the same kind of broad stereotypes.

 

[SpideyVille]

So just a general question here: Have you ever seen someone that shared a resemblance to someone you used to date or had a crush on? And if so, did that ever make you have feelings for that person, however brief it may have been, simply because they looked like someone else?

 

[Indrid Cold]

LOL, the funny thing is as much as guys here try to figure out how "girls work and think" in broad stereotypes, there are plenty of woman out there who don't understand guys and why they are the way they are in the same kind of broad stereotypes.

Couldn't of said it any plainer than that. That's really the problem I think, both sexes over analyze what makes the other one tick. None of the advice given here will work 100% of the time but should merely be considered to be helpful insights. To find out what TRULY works for either sex varies from person to person. The only way to really go about it is through trial & error (which usually leads to people asking questions afterwards on forums like this one). All in all it's a vicious cycle.