Revenge of the *Official* Relationship Advice Thread

[Optimus_Prime_]

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight...

Lol, yeah, for real. Marriage well out ranks any of my fears.

 

[OctaviusINC]

Ok, really don't know where else to ask this. And it's a bit embarrassing IMO.

Basically my mom is being a pain in the ass with my relationship. Or maybe she's not. That's why I'm here.

So I met a girl a work. We're both in our early twenties. We ended up becoming really good friends over the course of 7-8 months. I had a huge crush on her. I found out she had a huge crush on me. So we started dating. We've been dating for a little over 2 months. She's great. We're both extremely happy.

We both live at home. She lives about 40 minutes from me. Between work and school we see each other 2-3 times a week. We usually spend the whole day together and sometimes I'll spend the night at her place. We sleep in her bed. No sex. Sometimes we kiss. That's it. She's a virgin. And a very respectable woman.

Anyway, my mom flips out when I spend the night at her place. I love seeing her and being with her. Simple as that. My mom see's me as some kind of "****" and always questions my girlfriend's motives too. Saying that maybe she has a bunch of guys that "sleep" with her too.That her house has a "motel" sign on it. It angers me. I tell her it's nothing sexual. She says I'm obviously lying. She'd say the same BS when she was young and that I'm acting like a "high school teenager".

My girlfriend's mom was a little angry at first, but my girlfriend explained that we just sleep. And she's okay with it. We don't hide anything or lie. But my mom flips out and basically tells me I have no respect and no morals. And my girlfriend's mother is a complete jackass for letting us do this.

Personally I don't know what to say. It all sounds like some teenie bopper bull. This is mine and her's first serious relationship. Is what I'm doing wrong? We see each other. Watch movies. Go to dinner. Cuddle and kiss. I don't know, typical date/couple stuff. I could take her couch...but she wants me to sleep with her. So I do. Because I want to. I don't know. I mean I know it can/going to lead to sex one day. I understand concern. Advice?

 

[Anita18]

Ok, really don't know where else to ask this.

Basically my mom is being a pain in the ass with my relationship. Or maybe she's not. That's why I'm here.

So I met a girl a work. We're both in our early twenties. We ended up becoming really good friends over the course of 7-8 months. I had a huge crush on her. I found out she had a huge crush on me. She we started dating. We've been dating for a little over 2 months. She's great. We're both extremely happy.

We both live at home. She lives about 40 minutes from me. Between work and school we see each other 2-3 times a week. We usually spend the whole day together and sometimes I'll spend the night at her place. We sleep in her bed. No sex. Sometimes we kiss. That's it. She's a virgin. And a very respectable woman.

Anyway, my mom flips out when I spend the night at her place. I love seeing her and being with her. Simple as that. My mom see's me as some kind of "****" and always questions my girlfriend's motives too. Saying that maybe she has a bunch of guys that "sleep" with her too. I tell her it's nothing sexual. She says I'm obviously lying. She'd say the same BS when she was young and that I'm acting like a "high school teenager".

My girlfriend's mom was a little angry at first, but my girlfriend explained that we just sleep. And she's okay with it. We don't hide anything or lie. But my mom flips out and basically tells me I have no respect and no morals. And my girlfriend's mother is a complete jackass for letting us do this.

Personally I don't know what to say. This is my first serious relationship. Is what I'm doing wrong? We see each other. Watch movies. Go to dinner. Cuddle and kiss. I don't know, typical date/couple stuff. I could take her couch...but she wants me to sleep with her. So I do. Because I want to. I don't know. I mean I know it can/going to lead to sex one day. I understand concern. Advice?

There's nothing wrong with what you're doing, but unfortunately the only solution is to get out from under your mom's thumb. She's being controlling. You're an adult, you can make your own decisions, but to her you're still a boy who can be told what to do. And if not, emotionally manipulated into doing so.

Some moms are weird. My best friend's mom rants all the time on why my friend lives at home and isn't making the huge lawyer salary that she envisioned. And then in the same breath calls her an ungrateful brat when she expressed desire to move out with her then-fiance. It really makes me But now they're married and of course the parents have no problem with it now.

 

[SpideyVille]

Are you an only child, and is your dad living at home, or is there some other kind of male figure like a boyfriend or something?

I know my mom always gave my brother crap because he would do things that seemed like he was putting his girlfriend before my mom and I always felt like she felt more threatened than anything because she knew my brother would eventually leave. She sort of acts the same with my since I'm the only one left living with her and because she broke up with her boyfriend 2 years ago, so once I leave she'll be alone.

Her giving you grief could be her way of expressing her displeasure of seeing you leave as opposed to seeing you sleeping at some girl's house. Have you introduced this girl to your mom yet?

 

[OctaviusINC]

Anita-Thank you for your advice. And I figured my mom was being controlling and manipulative. Part of me just didn't want to believe it I guess.

SpideyVille- I am an only child. My parents are divorced. And it's always just been me and my mom. And I have introduced her to my mom.

 

[Erzengel]

I think it's safe bet to say that you shouldn't take your gf to your house to spend the night or even hang out. Your mom almost sounds like the mother from Carrie.

Unfortunately, you are living under her roof so you have to be respectful to her. As Anita said, she sounds like she's way to controlling and possibly she doesn't have too much going on that she can control.

You didn't mention your father, so am I right to presume that he's not at least living with you? That being said, probably that, and the fact that she feels like she's losing her baby boy to some "harlot", I'm not sure how much more reasoning you can do with her.

I'd reply to her with, I'm sorry you feel that way or I really wish you wouldn't say things like that.

In regards to sex, if you keep going down this road, it's eventually going to happen. Just remember not to force it. Not to squeeze it in between her mom being out. Not that I think losing your virginity it something out of a John Hughes movie. But you want to make it at least somewhat memorable.

 

[Anita18]

Anita-Thank you for your advice. And I figured my mom was being controlling and manipulative. Part of me just didn't want to believe it I guess.

SpideyVille- I am an only child. My parents are divorced. And it's always just been me and my mom. And I have introduced her to my mom.

Bingo. I find that the worst helicopter parents have only one child and thus all their dreams and expectations are hoisted on that one poor soul. My bf's mom is an example, although she doesn't control him really - just babies him until he goes crazy. And she's remarried and also takes care of her own father so her energy is distributed fairly evenly nowadays.

My mom's used to being by herself now that we're grown and moved out, and my dad worked overseas for months at a time. But she had a dog and lots of crafts and hobbies, so she kept herself busy. Unfortunately it seems like your mom only has you and thus feels threatened by anyone else who might take you away.

You're only in your early 20's. Has she (or you) given much thought as to how things will go once you DO move out, because that's a step that most working young people eventually take. Even if there wasn't a girl in the picture.

Unless she wants you to be like my youngest uncle on my dad's side. Out of all 4 kids, he's the one who got stuck with keeping the parentals company while they got older and more paranoid. He's nearly 40 and has never lived on his own. I'm not sure if he's ever had a girlfriend. He's a funny guy, but also a little bit of a loser. I mean, despite my dad's absent-minded professor schtick, the guy can find a way to take care of himself for the most part. Not sure about this uncle...

 

[SpideyVille]

So yeah, your mom might be more upset that your spending the night away from her as opposed to spending the night with a girl. I think she's just using that as an excuse to get mad about it. I mean, seeing as how you've only been dating for 2 months and have already started spending the night, regardless of what goes down, your mom probably sees that things are moving much faster than she would like, so she's letting you know that she's not happy with it.

Like Anita said, she still sees you a certain way and expects you to behave a certain way. Like when I went away for college, my mom kept saying she was happy to see me finally get out of the house, but then when I came back and decided going away wasn't for me, she was really happy because she hated being home alone. I don't know how well our relationship is with your mom, but she probably just misses you and doesn't want to come out and say it.

 

[Erzengel]

There's a difference between missing you and coming to grips that your child is an adult and calling your child's gf a ****.

Edit: Really SHH? That word is censored? I'm sorry, strumpet, harlot, woman of the night, prostitute, escort.

 

[Anita18]

There's a difference between missing you and coming to grips that your child is an adult and calling your child's gf a ****.

Seriously. And he's only spent ONE night away from her at a time "sometimes." It's not like he's been away for months at a stretch.

I mean, my bf is living back with his parents and his mom doesn't get all rant-y when he wants to take a weekend to visit me. Heck, she's probably happy someone will take him.

 

[Erzengel]

It all depends on the parents. And also, Octavius is probably around 22, dating 2 months and you are in your late twenties, dating a couple of years. It's a little different.

 

[SpideyVille]

To be honest, that almost sounds like something my mom would say, without even meeting the girl or knowing anything about her. But then again, I've always thought she was a bit crazy and over-protective/paranoid. Growing up, it was hard to have friends because she would say I can't bring guys over to my house because they would rob us and I couldn't bring girls over because they would say I raped them or something if we were home alone.

It was worse for me because I was the youngest and was always looked at as the baby of the family, so even though my brother was actually ringing his girlfriend over and having sex while no one was home, it was more expected since he was much older. But even now that I'm older, she still says the same thing when I say I had a friend over and that it was a girl.

 

[Anita18]

It all depends on the parents. And also, Octavius is probably around 22, dating 2 months and you are in your late twenties, dating a couple of years. It's a little different.

I had my first bf at 19 and my parents didn't freak when I went away with him to his family's private cabin on a remote island. Granted, a bunch of his relatives were there too, but still...

I'm quite convinced it's a control thing, not a concern thing.

 

[OctaviusINC]

Erzengel-She's been over to my place a couple times when my mom was home. My mom was nothing but kind to her. She tells me she thinks she's a nice girl. She claims that her problem's with me..not her. Then she says these very demoralizing things about her that anger me. So I don't know what's up, you know? And, yes, I am under her roof and I will obey her rules because it's the least I can do. Thank you.

Anita- Once, again, spoken with truth haha. I'm very career focused. I live in Chicago and plan to move out to California soon for some programs and possible job opportunities in my field. I've been saying this since before college. My mom always encourages that I do it, but when the day comes how will she truly react?

SpideyVille- Again, very sound advice. Thank you. I figured most of this, but I always overanalyze things.

 

[Anita18]

To be honest, that almost sounds like something my mom would say, without even meeting the girl or knowing anything about her. But then again, I've always thought she was a bit crazy and over-protective/paranoid. Growing up, it was hard to have friends because she would say I can't bring guys over to my house because they would rob us and I couldn't bring girls over because they would say I raped them or something if we were home alone.

It was worse for me because I was the youngest and was always looked at as the baby of the family, so even though my brother was actually ringing his girlfriend over and having sex while no one was home, it was more expected since he was much older.

And my bf thought his mom was certifiable.

 

[Erzengel]

Did you sleep in the same bed?

My point is some parents are more conservative than others.

Some former friends spent their first night together at my gf at the time because his and her parents were like that. And they were in their late 20s, almost pushing 30.

 

[Anita18]

Erzengel-She's been over to my place a couple times when my mom was home. My mom was nothing but kind to her. She tells me she thinks she's a nice girl. She claims that her problem's with me..not her. Then she says these very demoralizing things about her that anger me. So I don't know what's up, you know? And, yes, I am under her roof and I will obey her rules because it's the least I can do. Thank you.

Anita- Once, again, spoken with truth haha. I'm very career focused. I live in Chicago and plan to move out to California soon for some programs and possible job opportunities in my field. I've been saying this since before college. My mom always encourages that I do it, but when the day comes how will she truly react?

Yes, that will be quite the test...

The two-facedness is quite interesting, actually. It's almost like she's lashing out against her better judgment. Which is why it should be especially interesting (to say the least) when you actually make concrete plans to move to California.

 

[Erzengel]

Erzengel-She's been over to my place a couple times when my mom was home. My mom was nothing but kind to her. She tells me she thinks she's a nice girl. She claims that her problem's with me..not her. Then she says these very demoralizing things about her that anger me. So I don't know what's up, you know? And, yes, I am under her roof and I will obey her rules because it's the least I can do. Thank you.

That's talking out of both sides of her mouth. Being overly kind to your gf, and then berating you, her and your relationship when she's not around. It almost sounds like a jealousy thing.

 

[OctaviusINC]

There's a difference between missing you and coming to grips that your child is an adult and calling your child's gf a ****.

Yeah, that's what really angered me. My girlfriend is such a sweet caring girl, I was really taken back by what she'd say about her. And then ending an argument by saying she's a nice girl. What the hell?

 

[Anita18]

Did you sleep in the same bed?

My point is some parents are more conservative than others.

Some former friends spent their first night together at my gf at the time because his and her parents were like that. And they were in their late 20s, almost pushing 30.

As you know, I'm in my late 20s and my mom is fully aware that my bf and I have sex. But when we're staying over their house, we sleep in separate beds. The alternative probably squicks them out too much, especially when it's under their roof.

His parents don't have a problem with it, although my bf is usually too embarrassed to do anything because the room he stays in has glass doors and the bed is RIGHT THERE.

 

[Erzengel]

Well I meant when you were 19 and went to your former bf's parent's cabin?

And we did that too for the first year of we were dating. I'm not even sure if we "pretended" to sleep in separate beds at her house for even that long. I know we never did it in my house. It was probably disrespectful of me, but my parents never said anything.

 

[SpideyVille]

Erzengel-She's been over to my place a couple times when my mom was home. My mom was nothing but kind to her. She tells me she thinks she's a nice girl. She claims that her problem's with me..not her. Then she says these very demoralizing things about her that anger me. So I don't know what's up, you know? And, yes, I am under her roof and I will obey her rules because it's the least I can do. Thank you.

See, this is something I've always had a problem with. Like my relationship with my mom gets really strained at times because we argue over little things, but I know there's something deeper behind it. Like when she asks for money and me and my brother don't give her any for whatever reason, I'm the one who gets yelled at. So even though I still live with her and have to respect her, it's hard for me to do so because I don't feel like she respects me r what's important to me. I'm not saying you should get up and revolt, but don't feel the need to sacrifice what's important to you just to please her or to show her that you're obedient.

And my bf thought his mom was certifiable.

Yeah, its been very hard to deal with her which is why I've learned to keep certain things a secret. I once got punched in the 5th grade in front of my teacher, and my lip was cut a little so I was sent to the nurse. I was supposed to get a note signed by my mom, but I ended up forging her signature because I knew she would freak out over something that was really nothing.

But even now, in terms of relationships, if I'm going to hang out with a girl that I like, I have to make up some excuse to leave without having her become super suspicious about what I left. She always throws in the "you'll do this for her but not for me" excuse whenever I can't do a favor for her whenever she sees me do something for some girl.

 

[Anita18]

Well I meant when you were 19 and went to your former bf's parent's cabin?

And we did that too for the first year of we were dating. I'm not even sure if we "pretended" to sleep in separate beds at her house for even that long. I know we never did it in my house. It was probably disrespectful of me, but my parents never said anything.

I forgot what I told them, but we did. I think his relatives were surprised we decided to sleep in the same bed too. But it was like Octavius's thing - nothing happened, we just snuggled.

But even now, in terms of relationships, if I'm going to hang out with a girl that I like, I have to make up some excuse to leave without having her become super suspicious about what I left. She always throws in the "you'll do this for her but not for me" excuse whenever I can't do a favor for her whenever she sees me do something for some girl.

That's just...wow. She's purposely sabotaging your relationships. That's just sad to do to your own child, but I suppose it might work if her goal is to chain you to her for the entirety of your life.

That actually sounds like someone having a crazy-stalker girlfriend, except you actually live with her and she gave birth to you.

 

[SpideyVille]

That's just...wow. She's purposely sabotaging your relationships. That's just sad to do to your own child, but I suppose it might work if her goal is to chain you to her for the entirety of your life.

That actually sounds like someone having a crazy-stalker girlfriend, except you actually live with her and she gave birth to you.

I know this probably makes me sound like a bad son, but I've told her that there's a reason why every guy that's been in her life has walked out on her, because she behaved exactly like that the crazy-stalker girlfriend) with my brother and sister's dad and my dad, and that was part of the reason why they cheated on her and left her after she had us. She would literally chase after them in the streets while dragging us along with her. One time she even almost got hit by a bus and arrested because she was trying to catch my sibling's dad with some other girl.

I've always said that when I do have a girlfriend, I wouldn't want to introduce her to my mom because she would do the same thing, where she'd be nice to the girl, but then complain about us afterwards when the girl leaves. Once I had a girl over that I liked and my mom just so happened to come home early that day, and me and her almost got into an argument in another room while the girl waited in my room since she was teaching me how to play the piano at the time. But it's also ironic since she keeps asking me why I don't have a girlfriend yet.

 

[Erzengel]

I forgot what I told them, but we did. I think his relatives were surprised we decided to sleep in the same bed too. But it was like Octavius's thing - nothing happened, we just snuggled.

Yeah, I've never had that type of self control.