The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - Part 23

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[MrsKent26]

Occasionally the bread winner wife who gets divorced, and discover the same thing. These are the only other women that tend to understand.

I completely understand. I am that woman.

 

[Paradoxium]

Here is a story by a woman who experienced it. Karen McCullah, writer of Legally Blond.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/why-every-woman-should-get-a-prenup

Judges can throw prenups out. I believe this is so in California, where she was married.

 

[Anita18]

Divorce isn't bad in itself. It's the people involved that make it ugly. If she doesn't want to financially or legally rape you, you should be good.

Unfortunately, most people's egos get in the way and that's why divorce is so ugly so often. I only know of one divorce that ended happily, and that is my in-law's. I bet it was a hassle at the time (because anything that involves the courts is always a hassle), but everyone's pretty content with the arrangement. The exes are still friends, and even take care of each other's parents. My husband has no issues with trust or commitment. I don't think anyone pays alimony now that the hubs is grown.

It is exceedingly rare, but it is possible. People make it possible, good or bad. That's why setting your ego aside, as well as open and honest communication, is SO important in any relationship.

It's not just financial, though. The ugliest divorces I know involve child custody. It is disgusting how so many parents lash out at their exes through their kids. It's all ego. My sister's friend was locked out of her house, because her father changed the locks to get back at his ex-wife. My cousins cut their own mother off, because she was bitter and hate-filled that they both chose their supportive dad over her controlling ways. It's just so

Then again, I guess it isn't surprising. Human ego is the source of most (all?) serious woes in human history.

If you go through life deathly afraid of being divorced, there's no way you can trust or commit to anyone. Just no way. You'll always be looking over your shoulder, waiting for the moment where your partner tries to rob you.

 

[Feenix]

Well, seeing as common law is pretty similar to marriage in the sense that if you split up, it could be a lengthy court battle, it's either you put your trust in someone, or be alone forever.

My boyfriend and I are planning on getting married and I would never go for his wallet if we split up and he wouldn't go for mine. I know this. If you choose someone who would do that, it's on you. That's why I have no sympathy for men and women who marry golddiggers. It's not like it's a surprise.

And if you cheat and your significant other goes after you for money, well, lesson learned. Don't cheat.

I used to work in a family law firm and I've seen what kinds of court battles people go through. People go after your money if you hurt them or if they're just a-holes, and usually there are indications of that beforehand.

Be smart. Draft a prenup if you want, but don't be scared to be with someone because they might divorce you and take your money. That can be planned for.

 

[MrsKent26]

Here is a story by a woman who experienced it. Karen McCullah, writer of Legally Blond.

http://www.elle.com/life-love/sex-relationships/why-every-woman-should-get-a-prenup

Judges can throw prenups out. I believe this is so in California, where she was married.

That **** terrifies me. That's one of the major reasons I won't get married. You just can't trust people.

At my work, there's a couple women who were hard-up for years because they were paying off debts their Exes left them with. One was also left with kids to take care of on top of her ex's debts. The other almost had to declare bankruptcy because her ex-husband had used their joint credit line to finance a business that went under.

 

[Feenix]

That's why you keep your finances separate. Have a joint account for the house and bills and whatnot, but don't get credit cards or loans together.

 

[Paradoxium]

Divorce is a coin toss in odds. Whatever the reasons, those are the odds. I bet everyone getting married thought the odds would not apply to them.

Their hubris, is the lesson for me.

As more women become more legally successful (as Karen put it), they will find out what some guys have been experiencing. Maybe then, there will be enough for change. Otherwise that's my honest reason. It is a completely rational fear.

 

[Feenix]

As for that story, I've seen the same thing at the law firm. A woman sued her ex common law partner for $10,000 a month in spousal support and ended up getting $5,500. She claimed she was disabled and unable to work, but she had a very expensive (and physical) hobby of barrel racing with horses.

What this comes down to, is not not getting married or living with someone, but protecting yourself if things go wrong. Don't buy a house together if you're moving in for the first time, don't share your finances, draft a prenup or living arrangement document, don't rush into anything, don't take out joint loans or join all of your bank accounts, etc etc.

 

[Anita18]

That **** terrifies me. That's one of the major reasons I won't get married. You just can't trust people.

At my work, there's a couple women who were hard-up for years because they were paying off debts their Exes left them with. One was also left with kids to take care of on top of her ex's debts. The other almost had to declare bankruptcy because her ex-husband had used their joint credit line to finance a business that went under.

One thing I've noticed as I've gone through life. If you put your honest faith and trust in people, they'll often prove themselves to you in surprising ways.

If you expect a certain behavior from people, that's exactly what you'll get.

But it's hard for people to break patterns if those patterns are all they know. It's not a surprise that another friend of mine has always gotten with guys who turn out to have serious self-esteem issues and end up harming her or themselves.

 

[Paradoxium]

I hear stories about judges throwing the prenups away. Although it depends where you lived during the marriage. The Foley story is so screwed up, there was the part about his ex intentionally "consulting" all the best lawyers in town so he couldn't get a good one, because of conflict of interest. I still don't feel safe, even if I didn't share finances.

 

[MrsKent26]

Finances aren't the only reason I won't get married or live with someone. That's just one drop in the bucket for me, lol.

And I'll admit I can be a pessimist and expect the worst from people.

 

[Feenix]

Just as long as neither of you complain about being single

I know people who will admit they're commitment-phobes, but then complain that there aren't any good guys/girls out there and that they hate being single.

 

[MrsKent26]

I enjoy being single. If I have a relationship nowadays, it's of a more casual nature.

 

[Paradoxium]

Isn't the odds more than 50% now.

 

[Feenix]

Being single when you're young can be fun.

Not much fun when you're old and senile

 

[MrsKent26]

You know, sometimes I do worry I'll wake up when I'm 45 and wish I had tried harder...

I don't care about being with someone now, but who knows about the future.

 

[Paradoxium]

Not being legally married doesn't mean you can't get laid and have companionship. And yes the common law thing is an issue too. The tie down of "legal marriage" is what scares me more.

 

[Feenix]

You could always just make a deal with a friend. Someone who has the same outlook as you. Companionship doesn't have to be the same as a marriage.

 

[MrsKent26]

Companionship is fine. Just no marriage, no living together, and above all...no kids.

 

[Feenix]

Hear hear on the kids part!

Going to be DINKs and ski on weekends

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

When I look back at the times I thought I was "friendzoned" I realize it was because I didn't take the chance when I had the opportunity, I hid my feelings and let someone else get the girl. The friendzone is a trap guys made up to rationalize their cowardice.

Absolute ******** this is.

 

[Anita18]

Isn't the odds more than 50% now.

Hard to say. Apparently the "50% of marriages end in divorce" statistic is inaccurate because they includes people who are terrible at communication and have gotten married and divorced multiple times.

If anything, 50% is close but it's actually lower, and dropping. if you're a cynic, you can blame the economy. Remaining together is cheaper than getting divorced.

http://www.divorcestatistics.org/

The more you divorce, the greater chance of another divorce. No surprise there.

The older you are when you marry, the less chance of divorce. No surprise there either. Maybe it's partly because you figure you'll never get another chance at legally obligated companionship, but since y'alls are mostly afraid of getting ripped off, that shouldn't matter as much.

There's no shame in being old and single. I have older friends in their mid-late 40s and were married, but are divorced now. There's no guarantee of anything. The important thing is to surround yourself with people who like you and support you. Build a community around yourself if you don't have legally obligated companionship. There's no right way to do any of that stuff, so do what works for you.

 

[the last son]

The friend zone is just an excuse guys make. There's no reason to justify why she doesn't like you that way, she just doesn't.