The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - Part 28

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[Erzengel]

You shouldn't treat relationships like I really need a gf right now. You should be more like, this girl I'm dating is amazing, I want her to be my gf.

You can meet a girl and she could be a wrong fit and the worst thing you can do is force a square peg into a round hole.

Go out and date, but don't settle because you feel you just need to have a gf.

 

[ShadowBoxer]

I will say this the movie Gone Girl will definitely making you think twice about the person you are wanting to date, or eventually marry. I am single but that movie has me really aware about the kinds of girls I attract etc lol.

 

[Anita18]

I will say this the movie Gone Girl will definitely making you think twice about the person you are wanting to date, or eventually marry. I am single but that movie has me really aware about the kinds of girls I attract etc lol.

I'm glad none of my husband's friends have recommended Gone Girl yet. He usually only goes to movies when a friend has recommended it directly. 500 Days of Summer was awkward enough, when we saw it together early in our relationship.

But we're so chill and "whatever" about image (we're both working at home barely dressed), I don't think Gone Girl is relevant to us. Whew!

 

[Erzengel]

It is scary that you really don't know.

You could be with someone 1 month, 1 year, 10 years and people do change. Whether you meet at 15, 25 or 35.

But you can't also live under a rock all your life.

 

[Anita18]

It is scary that you really don't know.

You could be with someone 1 month, 1 year, 10 years and people do change. Whether you meet at 15, 25 or 35.

But you can't also live under a rock all your life.

It's the same for everyone you meet though, although it's magnified in a romantic relationship. You can approach everyone with suspicion, or you could approach everyone with some optimism and faith.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Really really hoping my guy gets a job soon. Not looking good so far, and he's gonna run out of money soon... Don't know what i'm going to do then!

It's just so hard being in one room when he's up all night and I need to sleep. The headphones thing was okay for a bit but it's hard cause sometimes I just sleep through tv noise so he thinks it's okay to turn the tv on... But then on the occasions it does wake me up and i'm kind of half asleep and have to tell him to stop and watch something on the comp with headphones instead, he's started being a bit of a sad puppy about it and it makes me feel guilty like i'm kicking him to the floor or something.

I know he's trying and he's been doing a lot of things to try and make it better. He cleans a lot, he has bought a lot of household stuff, he successfully plumbed in the washing machine and got that sorted, and he cooks for me sometimes.

But I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

He's eating a lot of ****** food and as gained a lot of weight lately, I guess cause he's depressed about being jobless, but it's just making it harder.

Obviously if all of this was happening further down the relationship and we were in love, it would feel different. But right at the beginning when we were still sort of feeling each other out... It's just not helping the relationship blossom into anything more

 

[Erzengel]

What does he want to do btw?

 

[Anita18]

Really really hoping my guy gets a job soon. Not looking good so far, and he's gonna run out of money soon... Don't know what i'm going to do then!

It's just so hard being in one room when he's up all night and I need to sleep. The headphones thing was okay for a bit but it's hard cause sometimes I just sleep through tv noise so he thinks it's okay to turn the tv on... But then on the occasions it does wake me up and i'm kind of half asleep and have to tell him to stop and watch something on the comp with headphones instead, he's started being a bit of a sad puppy about it and it makes me feel guilty like i'm kicking him to the floor or something.

I know he's trying and he's been doing a lot of things to try and make it better. He cleans a lot, he has bought a lot of household stuff, he successfully plumbed in the washing machine and got that sorted, and he cooks for me sometimes.

But I just don't know how I feel about the whole thing.

He's eating a lot of ****** food and as gained a lot of weight lately, I guess cause he's depressed about being jobless, but it's just making it harder.

Obviously if all of this was happening further down the relationship and we were in love, it would feel different. But right at the beginning when we were still sort of feeling each other out... It's just not helping the relationship blossom into anything more

You shouldn't feel guilty about it. Relationships aren't like, "Okay, you clean the dishes this evening, and I'll let you keep me awake tonight!" Just doesn't work that way. We have to accommodate each other's needs all the time. It isn't a tit for tat transaction.

As for the job thing, that's up to him, really. I've gotten some slightly depressed friends out of their funk by having them come up with a project with small steps in it. "Finding a job" depends entirely on other people, but you can always give yourself a project to keep your mind busy and out of a rut. The human mind is an interesting thing - once you get started, it's easy to continue, but once you stop, it's hard to get going. Having something to do just for yourself, is always a good idea no matter what your job situation.

I've been "out of a job" for over a year now. I haven't had to show up anyplace at a particular time on a regular basis, although I've done freelance jobs and have my own side projects (waaay too many side projects), so it isn't like I'm sitting at home feeling sorry for myself.

What I do have though, is a healthy savings account, from my last job. It sucks having to look for a job while you're running out of money, it's very stressful, but the mental productivity thing still works the same.

Find out what he wants to do (like, for realz, not "find a minimum wage job"), then help him to come up with a plan. Along with applying for jobs like normal, it'll help with the waiting game.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I just... I'm not sure I want this anymore.

I feel like my life was better and I was happier before we started seeing each other.

I feel like the reasons I stuck with it are the wrong reasons. I feel like I was just indulging in the affection and the comfort of having someone, anyone hold me... But knowing deep down the whole time that he's not the right guy for me.

And I feel like I took him in cause I do care about him, and I felt sorry for him and wanted him to have someone in his life that would.

But I just don't think i'm ever going to fall in love with him.

And personally, I don't see a relationship working without that part.

He wants to get back into electrician jobs. But all he's doing is sending off cvs online and he doesn't get anything back.

He's not the kind of guy who is into 'projects'. He's a stoner, he lays around all day watching movies and sleeping... Which is what i'm like when i'm depressed.

But when I got to my lowest point, I did an Open University course in creative writing.

And since i've been in Bristol, i've kept myself busy with a much much wider social life and events calendar which has made the mundane job seem less depressing because I feel like i'm living life to the full.

I guess I was hoping for a guy that would compliment that, not lure me back into laziness and apathy.

 

[Erzengel]

Wait he's living with you?

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Lol... Where have you been?

Yeah... He got kicked out of his place cause his housemates didn't pay the rent.

He lost his job right around the same time.

And all of this happened just before the day that we made it 'official'.

So yeah... There it is. My idoiocy wrapped up in a few neat sentances.

Does that give it perspective?

 

[Erzengel]

Well I was away in September. LOL

In the end, you need to sit him down and be honest. You're not happy.

Nothing can spurn things like money and once he's out of his savings and starts leaning on you, I think things will just get worse.

 

[knowsbleed]

If you have a boot... give it to him.

 

[Erzengel]

A trunk?

 

[knowsbleed]

Yes, to the left, to the left, everything he owns in a trunk to the left.

 

[Anubis]

Wow, that's quite a situation there. You kick him out then you look like an A-hole. Taking a dump on a guy whose already covered in s**t. On the other hand, you can't have some loser sponging off you. Especially if you ain't feeling him anymore.

I'd kick his ass out. Maybe he'll become a musician and write a killer song about you cuz nothing breads creativity like pain and suffering. Then you can sue him for defamation of character and get PAID!

 

[knowsbleed]

I've mentally "liked" Anubis's post.

 

[Anita18]

I just... I'm not sure I want this anymore.

I feel like my life was better and I was happier before we started seeing each other.

I feel like the reasons I stuck with it are the wrong reasons. I feel like I was just indulging in the affection and the comfort of having someone, anyone hold me... But knowing deep down the whole time that he's not the right guy for me.

And I feel like I took him in cause I do care about him, and I felt sorry for him and wanted him to have someone in his life that would.

But I just don't think i'm ever going to fall in love with him.

And personally, I don't see a relationship working without that part.

He wants to get back into electrician jobs. But all he's doing is sending off cvs online and he doesn't get anything back.

He's not the kind of guy who is into 'projects'. He's a stoner, he lays around all day watching movies and sleeping... Which is what i'm like when i'm depressed.

But when I got to my lowest point, I did an Open University course in creative writing.

And since i've been in Bristol, i've kept myself busy with a much much wider social life and events calendar which has made the mundane job seem less depressing because I feel like i'm living life to the full.

I guess I was hoping for a guy that would compliment that, not lure me back into laziness and apathy.

Exactly.

You mentioned that you wanted someone who would "get you" and that's why you felt more comfortable around people like yourself. But someone who's exactly like the depressed part of you isn't healthy to be around, if you're trying to be better. The perfect balance is when someone is consistently like the better parts of you, at least in the ways that you want to be better. You want someone who inspires you, in a way that is feasible instead of impossible.

And it's still fairly early - nobody knows how "inspiring" the relationship will be when they just start out. It took a few months for that kind of thing to show up with my husband, and it was only an inkling then.

But once you realize that someone's going to be toxic for you, it's best to walk away from the relationship so you don't waste anyone's time.


Either way, you'll need to talk with him. If you feel bad throwing him out without a safety net, you'll need to come up with a plan to get him out nicely. Either he finds new friends to crash with, or he NEEDS to get a job ASAP and starts chipping in like a proper roommate. Some people are fine with having a stay-at-home-whatever, but it isn't like you're raking in the kind of dough for that, or even require that kind of full-time upkeep in your place.

 

[Mee]

He's a stoner, he lays around all day watching movies and sleeping...

 

[Hobgoblin]

I started dating a woman and while we are getting along, some things bother me. She has a habit of throwing a derogatory word for gays around, even though she knows I dont like it. We've only been dating a few weeks and I dont want to tell her how to talk.

Also, how do I tell her she has bad breath?

 

[Anita18]

I started dating a woman and while we are getting along, some things bother me. She has a habit of throwing a derogatory word for gays around, even though she knows I dont like it. We've only been dating a few weeks and I dont want to tell her how to talk.

Also, how do I tell her she has bad breath?

You don't "tell her how to talk," you tell her it offends and upsets you. If she ignores you and keeps doing it anyway, you'll have to judge how much it matters to you. But someone who continues to do something even after they know it upsets you, isn't a good partner.

Also, you have to tell her about the bad breath as a friend. If you notice, other people are likely noticing, and she will get judged for it.

 

[Anubis]

Next time she says "HHHHHI" give her an Altoid. Wintergreen preferably. If she's then all "You tryin' to say my breath stinks?" Just tell her "Yes. Maybe your breath wouldn't smell like s**t if you'd stop talking s**t about homosexuals....Just sayin'."

makes sure to make that face too.

 

[Hobgoblin]

Yeah, i thought about connecting her breath to her verbal diarrhea.