The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts!

[Warhammer]

So the girl I've been seeing for the past few months is REALLY pissed off I have female friends at work that I interact with outside of work. She doesn't seem to understand the jokey way I talk to them is the same way I talk to my guy friends.

She got pissed the other day because I was talking to one of them on twitter one morning after they had replied to a tweet that I'd made, but I hadn't text her all morning until I'd finished what I was doing that day. Personally I don't feel the need to text nonsense that I'm doing all the time, but I will tweet it. And if someone responds I'll respond back. I see no big deal here.

But now we've just been texting about what she wants to do job wise and how she needs a plan. I said you can't pplan too far ahead because somehting with just be thrown at you that screws it all up. Then, for 4 texts, she dragged the tweeting in. It's really annoying me that she gets so annoyed by my female friends.

Your girl sounds insecure as hell. You have to sit her down and have a serious discussion about it and how she needs to have some empathy. This type of insecurity is bad because if it's not addressed now, it only gets worse. If she still can't get over it after a serious discussion, then you're probably going to have to threaten her by leaving her. If she really loves you, she'll change because there is not one argument anyone on this planet can make to justify being jealous/nagging that your boyfriend has female friends and vice-versa. She can feel insecure all she wants, but it needs to be kept in check (i.e. not bringing it up unless there is reasonable doubt in something wrong happening).

 

[Hobgoblin]

I'm glad you're steering her in the right direction. It's good for her that she has someone like you who wants her to better herself.

Thank you for the input, Warhammer. She also thanked me for "looking out for me." I hope she gets the help that she seems to need.

There is one more problem, she met a new guy literally the day after she was dumped by the cheating fiance. He lives in St. Louis and he visits occasionally. She considers herself to be in a relationship yet has said if it doesnt work, I am on her short list to be her next man.

That bothers me. I dont want to be "the other man" in her current relationship.I want to be around her, yet I dont know what else to tell her but that as long as the other guy is in the picture, we are just friends.

 

[Lord Valumart]

Your girl sounds insecure as hell. You have to sit her down and have a serious discussion about it and how she needs to have some empathy. This type of insecurity is bad because if it's not addressed now, it only gets worse. If she still can't get over it after a serious discussion, then you're probably going to have to threaten her by leaving her. If she really loves you, she'll change because there is not one argument anyone on this planet can make to justify being jealous/nagging that your boyfriend has female friends and vice-versa. She can feel insecure all she wants, but it needs to be kept in check (i.e. not bringing it up unless there is reasonable doubt in something wrong happening).

Well I've told her that me and the girls from work are just friends. On a few occasions. But she still gets annoyed when I talk to them on twitter or what not. Although she gets annoyed when I check my phone when I'm with her so it might just be an extention of that.

She has male friends and I'm not bothered by that. It just annoys me that she stills finds ways to bring things around to the fact that she was upset by me talking to a friend.

 

[Warhammer]

Thank you for the input, Warhammer. She also thanked me for "looking out for me." I hope she gets the help that she seems to need.

There is one more problem, she met a new guy literally the day after she was dumped by the cheating fiance. He lives in St. Louis and he visits occasionally. She considers herself to be in a relationship yet has said if it doesnt work, I am on her short list to be her next man.

That bothers me. I dont want to be "the other man" in her current relationship.I want to be around her, yet I dont know what else to tell her but that as long as the other guy is in the picture, we are just friends.

She is already messing up. Instead of allowing herself to heal, she done went and already found her rebound. That is bad already. And the fact that she even said you are on her short list if things go sour is horrible too. You deserve better, man. Respect yourself to realize that you aren't a second fiddle to nobody.

As hard as it may seem, I'd try to stop wanting to date her at this time. Friendship is the only thing you need to offer. In the future, if something happens, terrific. But this is not the kind of girl you want at her current state. She is damaged goods. Just be her friend if you want to keep her in your life or drop her completely if it's too hard. Never settle for less.

 

[Warhammer]

Well I've told her that me and the girls from work are just friends. On a few occasions. But she still gets annoyed when I talk to them on twitter or what not. Although she gets annoyed when I check my phone when I'm with her so it might just be an extention of that.

She has male friends and I'm not bothered by that. It just annoys me that she stills finds ways to bring things around to the fact that she was upset by me talking to a friend.

It really is sad that she can have guy friends but you can't have girl friends. She is having her cake and eating it, too. This is such a trivial issue. I'd tell her to get that in check or else you can move on. Insecurity kills relationships.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

You say that, but what's the most alcohol you've ever had before lying in bed with a woman you've been kissing that night?

You assume either that I've even laid in bed with a woman, or that I'd ever been kissing one all night.

Do you know who you're talking to???

 

[Hobgoblin]

She is already messing up. Instead of allowing herself to heal, she done went and already found her rebound. That is bad already. And the fact that she even said you are on her short list if things go sour is horrible too. You deserve better, man. Respect yourself to realize that you aren't a second fiddle to nobody.

As hard as it may seem, I'd try to stop wanting to date her at this time. Friendship is the only thing you need to offer. In the future, if something happens, terrific. But this is not the kind of girl you want at her current state. She is damaged goods. Just be her friend if you want to keep her in your life or drop her completely if it's too hard. Never settle for less.

Totally agreed with the bolded parts. Rushing into anything at this time would be a terrible idea. I'm just glad someone echoed what I was already thinking.

 

[Anita18]

Just thought of another example where one of my friends was actually asleep in the bed next to me when this guy tried it on, and I was so drunk I just let him... but it was so obvious I was not joining in that the guy sort of realized what he was doing halfway through and stopped with this really guilty look on his face like 'man, what the hell am I doing, she is so not into this'...

I felt really horrible after that one for weeks. Like i'd literally just allowed someone to use me as a hole. I hadn't cared enough to even say no.

I thought that I was doing so much better since I moved to the city. I thought that my life was full of so much more opportunity, and that I could feel a bit more proud of myself and a bit less like a failure.

But somehow, I've ended up feeling like i'm right back in that gutter I was trying so hard to run away from.

The trouble is, whenever I like someone who is nice and doesn't drink and stuff, I just always think i'd end up screwing it up.

Like my partner at work. We get on so well. He makes me smile every day, makes me laugh. He's a total moaner (I call him eeyore) but it's in this kind of adorable way, and we have such great banter.

He doesn't go out much, doesn't drink much. Definitely never seen the side of the world I have. He still lives with his parents because he's saving up for a mortgage. I get the impression he hasn't had many girlfriends.

And i've been accepting lately that I kind of have a massive crush on him. Because I feel the warm fuzzies when he's around, and I miss him when he's not in. We chat on facebook now, and it's that exciting chatting I used to do with crushes when I was 15 and just loved any time spent talking to the boy.

But I just think 'There's no way in hell he'd be interested in me'. Because i'm mental and a complete mess, and he is just a nice 'normal' guy.

This is why i've been thinking that maybe I should go to AA meetings or something.

Cause maybe i'd find people who were just as messed up as me, had the same life experiances... but didn't wanna live in that world anymore.

That's what I need more than anything.

It sounds like you've done some wild things, but it doesn't sound like you're a messed up person. You're not beyond help. You just need support in settling into a new life, because getting away from your old habits and what's familiar is definitely the hardest part.

You're right, finding someone who's been there will be the greatest help. There's no shame in AA. There's no shame in finding help when you need it. Being able to acknowledge that makes you incredibly strong.

As an alcoholic myself, who has 9 months of sobriety in after 6 years of heavy drinking, I can tell you, get help soon. AA never worked for me, but the complete idiot I made myself night, after night, after night, was enough for me to quit. Sober life is boring. I mean really boring, but all the stupid decisions I made drunk and being a complete fool is just not worth it. I say you forget about relationships and focus on getting sober. Build a friendship of sobriety with the nice guy at work. Good luck to you.

Why is sober life boring? I highly enjoyed being the only one at parties who remembered the hilarious things that went on.

But I've never been drunk so I guess I don't know how much fun it is. I have enough fun being sober. Then again I'm easily amused.

Your girl sounds insecure as hell. You have to sit her down and have a serious discussion about it and how she needs to have some empathy. This type of insecurity is bad because if it's not addressed now, it only gets worse. If she still can't get over it after a serious discussion, then you're probably going to have to threaten her by leaving her. If she really loves you, she'll change because there is not one argument anyone on this planet can make to justify being jealous/nagging that your boyfriend has female friends and vice-versa. She can feel insecure all she wants, but it needs to be kept in check (i.e. not bringing it up unless there is reasonable doubt in something wrong happening).

You can't change an insecure person. She has to decide when she's going to get over herself. And sometimes that takes a different relationship.

I've been the insecure one in the relationship. I hated how I was. I didn't find enjoyment in pestering him all the time, despite what you may think jealous girls are like. I'm not jealous around my husband, but he also happens to be highly uninterested in other women. It helps.

 

[Warhammer]

Totally agreed with the bolded parts. Rushing into anything at this time would be a terrible idea. I'm just glad someone echoed what I was already thinking.

Good. I just don't want to wait for her or wait for things to fall apart so you can swoop in and save her. You deserve better than that.

You can't change an insecure person. She has to decide when she's going to get over herself. And sometimes that takes a different relationship.

I've been the insecure one in the relationship. I hated how I was. I didn't find enjoyment in pestering him all the time, despite what you may think jealous girls are like. I'm not jealous around my husband, but he also happens to be highly uninterested in other women. It helps.

But she can try. Make an attempt after your partner puts his/her foot down and spells it out to you. If she is given an ultimatum, she will change or lose out. I doubt that girl is so over herself that she'll say "well, f*** you then." People like that need to get checked.

 

[Ms. Marvel]

Why is sober life boring? I highly enjoyed being the only one at parties who remembered the hilarious things that went on.

But I've never been drunk so I guess I don't know how much fun it is. I have enough fun being sober. Then again I'm easily amused.

It is both a good thing and a bad thing. At parties I usually don't go past being tipsy, so some of my inhibitions are removed and I start dancing for hours in front of strangers but I still can control what I'm doing. The sober people I party with tend to be the most bored.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You assume either that I've even laid in bed with a woman, or that I'd ever been kissing one all night.

Do you know who you're talking to???

Well that just proves my point tho. You have no idea what you'd do in that situation

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Well that just proves my point tho. You have no idea what you'd do in that situation

I think I know enough about myself to know that I wouldn't go all creeper rapist status.

 

[Anita18]

But she can try. Make an attempt after your partner puts his/her foot down and spells it out to you. If she is given an ultimatum, she will change or lose out. I doubt that girl is so over herself that she'll say "well, f*** you then." People like that need to get checked.

Giving her an ultimatum automatically makes it a combative situation. She's wrong, you're right. People dig deep and fight back when you do that.

Some relationships survive with a little jealousy. Partners can get metaphorically high on that. My ex liked getting attention from other women. I didn't enjoy being that way, so my husband and I are a much better match.

It is both a good thing and a bad thing. At parties I usually don't go past being tipsy, so some of my inhibitions are removed and I start dancing for hours in front of strangers but I still can control what I'm doing. The sober people I party with tend to be the most bored.

I'm an introvert, so I didn't enjoy parties when there was room to dance. I much prefer drinking-and-talking kind of parties in people's rooms. The whole college was made up of nerdy drunks.

 

[Warhammer]

Giving her an ultimatum automatically makes it a combative situation. She's wrong, you're right. People dig deep and fight back when you do that.

It's a necessary combative situation. The man can't have female friends (co-workers at that) without getting flack for it yet she can have male friends? She doesn't get to have a free slide nor should Valumart allow it.

Some relationships survive with a little jealousy. Partners can get metaphorically high on that. My ex liked getting attention from other women. I didn't enjoy being that way, so my husband and I are a much better match.

Jealousy is one thing. Being a hypocrite is another.

 

[Anita18]

It's a necessary combative situation. The man can't have female friends (co-workers at that) without getting flack for it yet she can have male friends? She doesn't get to have a free slide nor should Valumart allow it.

Jealousy is one thing. Being a hypocrite is another.

Some couples really function like that. Who am I to say they're wrong if they're still together and claim to be happy.

But obviously, if one partner has an issue, then the relationship has an issue. And it may not be as simple as giving her an ultimatum. You just might not be right for each other. That happens.

I mean, you can try that, but don't expect her to magically change upon giving her one.

 

[Silk Spectre]

So the girl I've been seeing for the past few months is REALLY pissed off I have female friends at work that I interact with outside of work. She doesn't seem to understand the jokey way I talk to them is the same way I talk to my guy friends.

She got pissed the other day because I was talking to one of them on twitter one morning after they had replied to a tweet that I'd made, but I hadn't text her all morning until I'd finished what I was doing that day. Personally I don't feel the need to text nonsense that I'm doing all the time, but I will tweet it. And if someone responds I'll respond back. I see no big deal here.

But now we've just been texting about what she wants to do job wise and how she needs a plan. I said you can't pplan too far ahead because somehting with just be thrown at you that screws it all up. Then, for 4 texts, she dragged the tweeting in. It's really annoying me that she gets so annoyed by my female friends.

Ruuuuun! If you guys arent even a couple and she gets jealous over you having female friends, thats a bad sign.

 

[Warhammer]

Some couples really function like that. Who am I to say they're wrong if they're still together and claim to be happy.

But obviously, if one partner has an issue, then the relationship has an issue. And it may not be as simple as giving her an ultimatum. You just might not be right for each other. That happens.

I mean, you can try that, but don't expect her to magically change upon giving her one.

Exactly, which is why you give an ultimatum. Cut the s*** or hit the road. If you continue to give me a hard time because I have female friends even though you have male friends, we weren't meant for each other because people who want their cake and eat it too are full of s***.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Exactly, which is why you give an ultimatum. Cut the s*** or hit the road. If you continue to give me a hard time because I have female friends even though you have male friends, we weren't meant for each other because people who want their cake and eat it too are full of s***.

 

[webhead9707]

I don't agree with what she's doing, but I've always believed if you're faced with an ultimatum, pick whichever option didn't make you do the ultimatum.

Is there any compromise available? That's a double standard and she needs to realize it.

 

[Erzengel]

Exactly, which is why you give an ultimatum. Cut the s*** or hit the road. If you continue to give me a hard time because I have female friends even though you have male friends, we weren't meant for each other because people who want their cake and eat it too are full of s***.

I'm probably arguing semantics. But, I'd just reword what you said and I'd just open conversation with her, things aren't going to work out if you pressure me not to have female friends especially if you have male friends. Add in, I have done nothing to make you not trust me.

 

[Warhammer]

Oh, of course. Just the principle of the situation. I would be straight to the point but I wouldn't sugar coat it. Too many opt for the latter which bites them in the ass later.

 

[Erzengel]

The other thing is and this happens, the longer and more serious you get with anyone, I don't want to say friends fall by the wayside, but you start building a life with them and so do your friends and their sig others. So the hang outs aren't as frequent. Think this happens more with people who are late 20s and older.

 

[Warhammer]

The other thing is and this happens, the longer and more serious you get with anyone, I don't want to say friends fall by the wayside, but you start building a life with them and so do your friends and their sig others. So the hang outs aren't as frequent. Think this happens more with people who are late 20s and older.

You're right. Although Valumart did say he'd only been seeing her for 4 months and that his female friends are also his co-workers.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

The other thing is and this happens, the longer and more serious you get with anyone, I don't want to say friends fall by the wayside, but you start building a life with them and so do your friends and their sig others. So the hang outs aren't as frequent. Think this happens more with people who are late 20s and older.

This happened with my best friend.

When we still lived in California, he left to Indiana to go to college. A big part of choosing Indiana was that it was the closest college he applied to to his girlfriend who lived in Ohio at the time (yes, a successful long distance relationship).

I moved to Tennessee shortly after - less than a year. We visited a few times, before he went to Boston for college to be with his girlfriend who was now going to school herself in Boston. They get married, move to Atlanta which is so close to where I was in Tennessee, and the hangouts become more frequent, a few times a year.

Then comes my talk of wanting to move back to California. And my best friend saying things like "Well if you move back to California, we won't be able to hang out. The friendship is gonna take a hit cuz you'll be so far away".

My response is "Dude, you're married. One day I hope to be married. You just graduated college and are starting a career. I will be finishing college soon and starting a career of my own. We live 3 hours away and only see each other a couple few times a year anyways. Life changes. We grow up. We move on. We'll always be friends, but it's never going to be the same."

He didn't wanna hear it. He wanted to insist that me leaving to California, and that alone, was going to be the sole factor on our frequency on talking and hanging out.

And yet... I'd wanna make plans to come see him in Atlanta, or have him come see me in Tennessee - "Can't, busy with the wife"

I'd wanna make plans to hook up on X-Box Live or some MMO on the computer - "Can't, busy with the wife"

Invited him to come up to my college graduation - "Can't, me and the wife have plans"

And I don't begrudge him for any of it. I get it. I just think it's funny that even then, he pits me moving back to California as the sole factor effecting our friendship, and doesn't realize that his marriage is just as much, if not moreso, of a factor keeping us from hanging out like we used to.

And that's okay... that's life. We'll always be friends, and we'll see each other. I just think it's funny.

 

[webhead9707]

This happened with my best friend.

When we still lived in California, he left to Indiana to go to college. A big part of choosing Indiana was that it was the closest college he applied to to his girlfriend who lived in Ohio at the time (yes, a successful long distance relationship).

I moved to Tennessee shortly after - less than a year. We visited a few times, before he went to Boston for college to be with his girlfriend who was now going to school herself in Boston. They get married, move to Atlanta which is so close to where I was in Tennessee, and the hangouts become more frequent, a few times a year.

Then comes my talk of wanting to move back to California. And my best friend saying things like "Well if you move back to California, we won't be able to hang out. The friendship is gonna take a hit cuz you'll be so far away".

My response is "Dude, you're married. One day I hope to be married. You just graduated college and are starting a career. I will be finishing college soon and starting a career of my own. We live 3 hours away and only see each other a couple few times a year anyways. Life changes. We grow up. We move on. We'll always be friends, but it's never going to be the same."

He didn't wanna hear it. He wanted to insist that me leaving to California, and that alone, was going to be the sole factor on our frequency on talking and hanging out.

And yet... I'd wanna make plans to come see him in Atlanta, or have him come see me in Tennessee - "Can't, busy with the wife"

I'd wanna make plans to hook up on X-Box Live or some MMO on the computer - "Can't, busy with the wife"

Invited him to come up to my college graduation - "Can't, me and the wife have plans"

And I don't begrudge him for any of it. I get it. I just think it's funny that even then, he pits me moving back to California as the sole factor effecting our friendship, and doesn't realize that his marriage is just as much, if not moreso, of a factor keeping us from hanging out like we used to.

And that's okay... that's life. We'll always be friends, and we'll see each other. I just think it's funny.

You sure it wasn't out of spite? It sounds like it was out of spite.