The Relationship Thread: Because Superhero Forums are Full of Sexperts! - - - - - - - - - - Part 29

[Anita18]

Was her word true? Did she actually stand up for us? Was she honest from that point on? I'll never know.

What I do know is a plane flew off, and then she became mine. That wasn't a choice. Delta just did me a solid.

I feel you, man. My college bf was trying to get with another girl, and eventually chose me because the other girl was only staying for a semester. Did it affect things early on? Totally. I had a hard time trusting him around other women. But I think it was more like, my skewed expectations of what a relationship should be like. (Also, my ex had low self-esteem and would low-key seek attention from other women all the time too. Whereas women throw themselves at my husband and I laugh because he's so socially-awkward he doesn't know what to do with the attention! So it's certainly a two-way street.)

The important thing now to tell let her know of your concerns. If she realizes what she could have done better and genuinely tries to improve, then she's probably worth staying for. But if you can't trust her, then there's no hope of a healthy relationship. You're always going to be worrying if you're it for her, or if she's going to look elsewhere.

 

[the last son]

Self reflection is always good. Maturing each day helps as well. I think one day I could be the guy to treat a woman like a queen and be her king. It comes from respecting that person and not using them for sex. I am just saying this because am I off on my analysis? I want to become not only a better man for a woman I date, but also a better person. First I have to stop drinking. Two, just date and seriously stop looking for sex. I still have to be myself, but will not ignore red flags. I am ready to make changes and be a true gentleman, but actions are louder than words. So, far I haven't proved it. If I do ever get myself together and stop being selfish, it would be a great feeling, but just sucks all the peoples feeling I had to hurt to realize what a jerk I've been.

 

[jaganar]

speaking to the teacher ,,,,, and omg

im really trying to avoid being a stalker-ish personality fer fox sake ....cus i hate seeing that on campus with other people.

TODAY the lunchlady in the university cafe did not help ( she said to me that PROFESSOR has a fantastic booty ,and IM NOT WHITE , i friggin blushed and it gave me away) ; lunch lady is from brooklyn , senior citizen and that is where my familiarity goes *since we all stick together*

i was talking to the teacher and we were talking about hanging this week after work and she seemed down for it was talking about it and im like DRIVING AROUND CAMPUS trying to AVOID the hint of stalkerism here

...buddy christ help me the jeans she came in >>> <<< me all day .

one of you guys better help me out here tell me to stop ok cus my brain is all SMOKEY <<<<


( ranting .... yes you betcha ....rambling too )

 

[moviedoors]

Well, I'm getting divorced. Single parenthood here I come. Wee.

 

[Erzengel]

You were saying someone was your fiance 2 months ago. You got married and now you're getting divorced?

 

[moviedoors]

Common law marriage in Texas, child involved, so getting a divorce to officially and legally set boundaries and standards with my daughter is crucial. Never did officially get married. That part really sucks. I have to get divorced, but I never even got to have the honeymoon.

 

[Anita18]

Well, I'm getting divorced. Single parenthood here I come. Wee.

Sorry to hear that moviedoors. You seemed really happy in the relationship. If you don't mind me asking, were you blindsided?

You don't seem the kind of person to be petty about being co-parenting, but for sure, that's super important. My husband's parents got divorced when he was very young, but they kept things very civil and are good friends to this day. It's a tiny blip out of his life. He has zero issues with commitment, trust, or abandonment, and I give his parents all the credit for it. I wish more divorced parents could do that.

 

[jaganar]

Sorry to hear that moviedoors. You seemed really happy in the relationship. If you don't mind me asking, were you blindsided?

You don't seem the kind of person to be petty about being co-parenting, but for sure, that's super important. My husband's parents got divorced when he was very young, but they kept things very civil and are good friends to this day. It's a tiny blip out of his life. He has zero issues with commitment, trust, or abandonment, and I give his parents all the credit for it. I wish more divorced parents could do that.

back in the day parents / couples actually faught it out and survived *verbally most of all*

these days this is how it goes down >>
ILL DIVORCE YOU CUS OF ONE THING YOU DID WRONG ...*not cheating*

 

[Black Narcissus]

Fickle? Sure. But most people are from time to time.

In the moment? Absolutely. Yet we all carry selfish tendencies.

I have NO DOUBT she is no longer "fickle" with me, nor "living in any moment." She is contrite and hates herself.

I hear you. I do. And I understand I sound like a broken record - I'm trying to get it out, before I confront her. . if I ever properly do.

Because one fact - on my end - remains. If I choose to forgive and possibly forget, then I move on with her and NEVER bring it back up. Fair is fair.

I get tenure was in play. How else would I react, if my ex came into play just after a new relationship? I could've picked the ex - tenure.

She had one guy she felt strongly about; one in which she's never felt before; one in which changed everything about her after one kiss. Then the ex of a three year relationship comes back. She wallowed; she was indecisive. That does not mean her words and actions weren't true to me. She was confused. Hell - I would be too.

She bounced back and forth for roughly three weeks, until I stood by her as a friend. I told her that I didn't need anything more from her. All I wanted was for her to be happy and make the best choice for herself. Within THIS conversation she realized I was the better man and she wasted time allowing him to "have his way."

Was her word true? Did she actually stand up for us? Was she honest from that point on? I'll never know.

What I do know is a plane flew off, and then she became mine. That wasn't a choice. Delta just did me a solid.

Well, I must admit I didn't even bother to read most of this but still. I feel for ya, mayne. I do know what thing tho and it might not be a healthy thing to do. But don't text her back in days and she will come to seek you. For some reason it works. You might come out looking like a dick, but it works. lol

 

[Anita18]

back in the day parents / couples actually faught it out and survived *verbally most of all*

these days this is how it goes down >>
ILL DIVORCE YOU CUS OF ONE THING YOU DID WRONG ...*not cheating*

It's not why the couple divorces, but how they treat each other after the divorce. I have maternal cousins who were used as pawns between their parents after the divorce. It was awful. They have NO contact with their mother now, and I'm only friends with them because of Facebook. None of my other relatives talk with them because of how ugly the divorce was and how everyone was forced to choose sides.

 

[jaganar]

It's not why the couple divorces, but how they treat each other after the divorce. I have maternal cousins who were used as pawns between their parents after the divorce. It was awful. They have NO contact with their mother now, and I'm only friends with them because of Facebook. None of my other relatives talk with them because of how ugly the divorce was and how everyone was forced to choose sides.

when that happens, you simply disown said SCUM .

heck i disowned everyone in my mother and fathers family ... only my brother / sis /mom and pop count ..the rest can burn .

sucks when the rest of the family is manipulative *censored* , but we gata do what we gata do

 

[DJ_KiDDvIcIOUs]

So I was at the grocery store yesterday buying the stuff I need to make my world famous spaghetti and I struck up a conversation with this very attractive single mom. The only problem was I didn't get that she may have been flirting with me since I was trying to get home quickly. I totally suck at picking up women in a normal non-bar or club situation. A good amount of the time I don't even realize what is happening until I walk away and have time to process it. I need to learn from these mistakes haha

 

[moviedoors]

Sorry to hear that moviedoors. You seemed really happy in the relationship. If you don't mind me asking, were you blindsided?

Not entirely, no. There absolutely were signs that we were in trouble and then there were signs that an end was coming. That said, it doesn't mean that that initial conversation didn't knock me over like a tsunami (This is the second failed relationship I've had with a woman where they once said "even if you cheated on me, I'd still wanna work things out." Well, I didn't cheat and things still didn't work out. If there's a third, I'm breaking up with her on the spot) I'll be honest, this isn't something that happened all that recently (IE last week. Try early last month), it's just taken some time for it to sink in. I've accepted it though, and though there is still that part of me that doesn't want it to be true, there's a BIG part of me that just knows it's for the best. Now that I know I can't salvage this, I'm accepting the aspects of her and us that were not healthy, whereas before I saw them as hurdles to be overcome. Well, those hurdles are just too high and I know that now. Still ****ing sucks.

You don't seem the kind of person to be petty about being co-parenting, but for sure, that's super important. My husband's parents got divorced when he was very young, but they kept things very civil and are good friends to this day. It's a tiny blip out of his life. He has zero issues with commitment, trust, or abandonment, and I give his parents all the credit for it. I wish more divorced parents could do that.

My primary goal right now is to be as fair as I can with co-parenting and to keep my daughter the number one priority in my life, and thankfully, my future ex-wife is in complete agreement. Both of us want to be equal partners in raising this little girl and let our bull**** affect her as little as possible. We refuse to have a custody battle. It's 50/50 all the way and we're still going to take her for walks together and various outings and show her that her parents don't hate each other(because they don't). Really, our issues weren't rooted in how we work as parents, but specifically in how we work as a couple. And now that the worst thing that can happen to a couple (short of physical harm or death) has happened, we're already communicating far more successfully and honestly then we did when we were both worried about ruining the relationship. That's not to say that things don't get tense, because they totally do, but we're finally acting like adults and not letting it get out of hand like our disagreements would before. We go out of our way to bring the agitation down and end our disagreements as peacefully as we possibly can, ending them with a hug.

 

[Anita18]

Not entirely, no. There absolutely were signs that we were in trouble and then there were signs that an end was coming. That said, it doesn't mean that that initial conversation didn't knock me over like a tsunami. I'll be honest, this isn't something that happened all that recently (IE last week. Try early last month), it's just taken some time for it to sink in. I've accepted it though, and though there is still that part of me that doesn't want it to be true, there's a BIG part of me that just knows it's for the best.



My primary goal right now is to be as fair as I can with co-parenting and to keep my daughter the number one priority in my life, and thankfully, my future ex-wife is in complete agreement. Both of us want to be equal partners in raising this little girl and letting our bull**** affect her as little as possible. We refuse to have a custody battle. Really, our issues weren't really rooted in how we work as parents, but specifically in how we work as a couple. And now that the worst thing that can happen to a couple (short of physical harm or death) has happened, we're already communicating far more successfully and honestly then we did when we were both worried about ruining the relationship. That's not to say that things don't get tense, because they totally do, but we're finally acting like adults and not letting it get out of hand like our disagreements would before. We go out of our way to bring the agitation down and end our disagreements as peacefully as we possibly can, ending them with a hug.

That's good to hear, moviedoors. It's just a bummer since you've been through a lot already relationship-wise, and it did sound like you had found happiness. Wish you the best!

 

[moviedoors]

That's good to hear, moviedoors. It's just a bummer since you've been through a lot already relationship-wise, and it did sound like you had found happiness. Wish you the best!

Thank you. You were there the last time I was in crisis, and that one was bad, but this one hurt so much more. But I'm still alive, I'm still breathing, and I'm still standing. If I can survive this, I can survive anything.

If I can be blunt, it kind of gives me a chip on my shoulder in regards to attitudes of certain past posters. Oh, boohoo, none of your dates work out perfectly and you hate women now? Try getting dumped by the woman you dropped down on one knee for, that gave birth to your child. I'm still here, it didn't turn me into a misogynist, and I'm not giving up. What's your excuse?

 

[jaganar]

If I can be blunt, it kind of gives me a chip on my shoulder in regards to attitudes of certain past posters. Oh, boohoo, none of your dates work out perfectly and you hate women now? Try getting dumped by the woman you dropped down on one knee for, that gave birth to your child. I'm still here, it didn't turn me into a misogynist, and I'm not giving up. What's your excuse?

hey in their defense ..... these same posters were buried soooooo deep in the friendzone that it was hard for them to recover from it like ShellShock (PTSD)

*not a defense , just an explaination t: *

and i hope ur ok Doors

*internet man-hug*

 

[Anita18]

Not entirely, no. There absolutely were signs that we were in trouble and then there were signs that an end was coming. That said, it doesn't mean that that initial conversation didn't knock me over like a tsunami (This is the second failed relationship I've had with a woman where they once said "even if you cheated on me, I'd still wanna work things out." Well, I didn't cheat and things still didn't work out. If there's a third, I'm breaking up with her on the spot) I'll be honest, this isn't something that happened all that recently (IE last week. Try early last month), it's just taken some time for it to sink in. I've accepted it though, and though there is still that part of me that doesn't want it to be true, there's a BIG part of me that just knows it's for the best. Now that I know I can't salvage this, I'm accepting the aspects of her and us that were not healthy, whereas before I saw them as hurdles to be overcome. Well, those hurdles are just too high and I know that now. Still ****ing sucks.

My primary goal right now is to be as fair as I can with co-parenting and to keep my daughter the number one priority in my life, and thankfully, my future ex-wife is in complete agreement. Both of us want to be equal partners in raising this little girl and let our bull**** affect her as little as possible. We refuse to have a custody battle. It's 50/50 all the way and we're still going to take her for walks together and various outings and show her that her parents don't hate each other(because they don't). Really, our issues weren't rooted in how we work as parents, but specifically in how we work as a couple. And now that the worst thing that can happen to a couple (short of physical harm or death) has happened, we're already communicating far more successfully and honestly then we did when we were both worried about ruining the relationship. That's not to say that things don't get tense, because they totally do, but we're finally acting like adults and not letting it get out of hand like our disagreements would before. We go out of our way to bring the agitation down and end our disagreements as peacefully as we possibly can, ending them with a hug.

Another note too, is that you can still want to work things out, but realize that the hurdles are just too large to handle. Everyone has a different definition of what that hurdle height might be. It's not quite the same as "I ditched you even though you didn't cheat."

At the same time, I've heard from my friends who are parents that the parents' relationship usually takes a back seat to the child, especially when the child is very young. Time spent together being a couple as new parents, is completely different from pre-parent days (as in, completely nonexistent!). I'm wondering if maybe she had unrealistic expectations of what it should be like. You weren't together all that long before she became pregnant. It might have been that you hadn't established yourselves as a couple weathering a ton of storms together and figuring out how to be partners, before your daughter came along.

But I'm just conjecturing, really....

 

[Erzengel]

If I can be blunt, it kind of gives me a chip on my shoulder in regards to attitudes of certain past posters. Oh, boohoo, none of your dates work out perfectly and you hate women now? Try getting dumped by the woman you dropped down on one knee for, that gave birth to your child. I'm still here, it didn't turn me into a misogynist, and I'm not giving up. What's your excuse?

It's always perspective though. The walk a mile in someone else's shoes. There's always going to be someone with a harder or worse story. I have less sympathy for those who give up instead of those who complain but at least are trying.

 

[moviedoors]

At the same time, I've heard from my friends who are parents that the parents' relationship usually takes a back seat to the child, especially when the child is very young. Time spent together being a couple as new parents, is completely different from pre-parent days (as in, completely nonexistent!). I'm wondering if maybe she had unrealistic expectations of what it should be like. You weren't together all that long before she became pregnant. It might have been that you hadn't established yourselves as a couple weathering a ton of storms together and figuring out how to be partners, before your daughter came along.

I very much agree with this. I knew what was coming, but I'm not sure she did. And we both messed up by not making a bigger effort to keep the flame lit. The baby sucked up so much time and energy, that we just wanted to go to bed rather than try and go out or even have sex. I think her expectations were unrealistic too, but something I've come to realize with her is that nothing is ever good enough. At the start of this breakup I went thru the standard phase of wishing I had done things differently (some of which I accept blame for, and some of which I don't), but now I'm certain that even if it hadn't been those things, it would've been something else. One way or the other, it was probably never going to last. I'm finally able to admit that she has an ugly selfish streak in her.

In fact, I'll give you today's most recent example:

First some context: She skydives. She stopped when we met and obviously didn't go during the pregnancy. She started going again in June and got certified and nearly every day she's off, she tries to go. Over the last month I think she'd only been able to not go her day off twice (I, by the way, almost never get to do things on my days off). She just went this past Sunday and jumped 3 times (50 bucks a jump too). Well she's off today, but I'm working. She was going to ask her stepdad to watch Rose while she went and jumped, but our washer is on the fritz and he wanted to come over and trouble shoot it and get it back up and running, so she chickened out on asking him. I forgot to grab my meds this morning, so I dropped in on my lunch break, and what is she doing? Pouting. Pouting like a spoiled little girl who can't have a cookie. Doesn't matter that her step dad is doing us a huge favor. Doesn't seem to register that she get's to actually spend a day with our daughter. She's just beyond pissed off that she doesn't get to jump today. She's pissed that her stepdad is doing us the "wrong" favor. Since she got back into it, this is what she does every single time she doesn't get to go skydiving on her days off. This actually went a long way towards helping me move on, at least another step. I don't need that in my life.

 

[moviedoors]

It's always perspective though. The walk a mile in someone else's shoes. There's always going to be someone with a harder or worse story. I have less sympathy for those who give up instead of those who complain but at least are trying.

Sure, I get that. I've been lonely too. It sucks as well. You're talking to a guy that didn't lose his virginity until 25. But the woe-is-me attitude and especially the sexism that it breeds in some people? Give me a break. No sympathy.

 

[moviedoors]

hey in their defense ..... these same posters were buried soooooo deep in the friendzone that it was hard for them to recover from it like ShellShock (PTSD)

*not a defense , just an explaination t: *

and i hope ur ok Doors

*internet man-hug*

Thanks! I'm not great, but I'm okay.

Anti-depressants are a wonderful thing.

 

[Anita18]

I very much agree with this. I knew what was coming, but I'm not sure she did. And we both messed up by not making a bigger effort to keep the flame lit. The baby sucked up so much time and energy, that we just wanted to go to bed rather than try and go out or even have sex. I think her expectations were unrealistic too, but something I've come to realize with her is that nothing is ever good enough. At the start of this breakup I went thru the standard phase of wishing I had done things differently (some of which I accept blame for, and some of which I don't), but now I'm certain that even if it hadn't been those things, it would've been something else. One way or the other, it was probably never going to last. I'm finally able to admit that she has an ugly selfish streak in her.

In fact, I'll give you today's most recent example:

First some context: She skydives. She stopped when we met and obviously didn't go during the pregnancy. She started going again in June and got certified and nearly every day she's off, she tries to go. Over the last month I think she'd only been able to not go her day off twice (I, by the way, almost never get to do things on my days off). She just went this past Sunday and jumped 3 times (50 bucks a jump too). Well she's off today, but I'm working. She was going to ask her stepdad to watch Rose while she went and jumped, but our washer is on the fritz and he wanted to come over and trouble shoot it and get it back up and running, so she chickened out on asking him. I forgot to grab my meds this morning, so I dropped in on my lunch break, and what is she doing? Pouting. Pouting like a spoiled little girl who can't have a cookie. Doesn't matter that her step dad is doing us a huge favor. Doesn't seem to register that she get's to actually spend a day with our daughter. She's just beyond pissed off that she doesn't get to jump today. She's pissed that her stepdad is doing us the "wrong" favor. Since she got back into it, this is what she does every single time she doesn't get to go skydiving on her days off. This actually went a long way towards helping me move on, at least another step. I don't need that in my life.

That's exactly why my sister broke up with her ex. She had been unhappy for years, trying to make things work and to go back to the chemistry that they had early on. But the closer she got to him, the more it was obvious that he's simply a narcissist. He doesn't see how his behavior affects other people. It's all about him. It's not that he sees what other people are struggling with and doesn't care. He just doesn't see it at all. And how can someone improve something when they can't even see that there's a problem? She finally had enough.

Whereas my husband has emotional outbursts where he can seem like a total narcissistic a-hole, but he always goes back when he's calmed down and feels bad about what he's done. He thinks about what he can do better, and tries to improve. He's still not the most agreeable person, but he tries. He especially makes an effort to work things out with me, and takes great notice in my needs and wants. And that's why I stay.

When your daughter gets older and becomes capable of parsing out people's emotions (and kids can actually do it at a very young age!), mommy's innate narcissism might become an issue. You'll need to figure out how to work around that. Kids crave stability and support from their parents, and if your ex is unable to acknowledge other people's needs and practice gratitude, that can be tough.

The parents I know who have (or are currently) weathering the storm of babyhood/toddlerhood, are able to feel grateful towards their spouse and work as partners. It isn't about who isn't getting what, but how they can work together to make things better.

 

[moviedoors]

That's exactly why my sister broke up with her ex. She had been unhappy for years, trying to make things work and to go back to the chemistry that they had early on. But the closer she got to him, the more it was obvious that he's simply a narcissist. He doesn't see how his behavior affects other people. It's all about him. It's not that he sees what other people are struggling with and doesn't care. He just doesn't see it at all. And how can someone improve something when they can't even see that there's a problem? She finally had enough.

I think you might be right. I almost married a narcissist. I've heard her on more than one occasion say "I don't think I can explain it without making me sound selfish." I always want to say "maybe you should consider the idea that that's because it is selfish," but I like having my head attached to my body.

Whereas my husband has emotional outbursts where he can seem like a total narcissistic a-hole, but he always goes back when he's calmed down and feels bad about what he's done. He thinks about what he can do better, and tries to improve. He's still not the most agreeable person, but he tries. He especially makes an effort to work things out with me, and takes great notice in my needs and wants. And that's why I stay.

I get your husband. I have my moments too. I'm totally capable of closing up or blowing up. I'm not perfect. But I'm always willing to take a step back and entertain the idea that I was wrong. I've changed so much about my life for my daughter and for my ex-wife. But...*

When your daughter gets older and becomes capable of parsing out people's emotions (and kids can actually do it at a very young age!), mommy's innate narcissism might become an issue. You'll need to figure out how to work around that. Kids crave stability and support from their parents, and if your ex is unable to acknowledge other people's needs and practice gratitude, that can be tough.

This is why the divorce is so important. It will at least place legal limits. She won't be able to just decide "I need to move 9,000 miles away because skydiving and that's what I need for me and I'm taking Rose with me." We at least agree that if one of us wants to move away, they're the one that gives up custody.

The parents I know who have (or are currently) weathering the storm of babyhood/toddlerhood, are able to feel grateful towards their spouse and work as partners. It isn't about who isn't getting what, but how they can work together to make things better.

*And here's the root of my problem with her. I've changed so much about myself and my habits; I still have work to do, but I'm putting that work in. And I don't regret any of it. It's okay that I don't get to sleep in. It's okay that I had to quit smoking pot. It's okay that I don't get to have the social life I used to have. I was even okay with not having any sex for awhile. Her? It's like she keeps a list, or a tally. "I had to not skydive for a more than a week! The world hates me! No one understands!"

*sigh* You're right. Narcissist. Still sucks.

 

[Anita18]

I think you might be right. I almost married a narcissist. I've heard her on more than one occasion say "I don't think I can explain it without making me sound selfish." I always want to say "maybe you should consider the idea that that's because it is selfish," but I like having my head attached to my body.

Hah, my friends know that if I tell them something hard to hear, it's because it needs to be said. t: Life is a whole lot easier when you can be honest with people and not fear repercussions!

*And here's the root of my problem with her. I've changed so much about myself and my habits; I still have work to do, but I'm putting that work in. And I don't regret any of it. It's okay that I don't get to sleep in. It's okay that I had to quit smoking pot. It's okay that I don't get to have the social life I used to have. I was even okay with not having any sex for awhile. Her? It's like she keeps a list, or a tally. "I had to not skydive for a more than a week! The world hates me! No one understands!"

*sigh* You're right. Narcissist. Still sucks.

Ugh, that's awful. It's really for the best then. Still sucks, but definitely better in the long run.

My sister doesn't regret the time she put into trying to save a relationship with a narcissist. But she is SO much happier now that she doesn't have to tiptoe around him or baby him.

 

[moviedoors]

Hah, my friends know that if I tell them something hard to hear, it's because it needs to be said. t: Life is a whole lot easier when you can be honest with people and not fear repercussions!

You're so right. I'm tired of having to bite my tongue.

Ugh, that's awful. It's really for the best then. Still sucks, but definitely better in the long run.

My sister doesn't regret the time she put into trying to save a relationship with a narcissist. But she is SO much happier now that she doesn't have to tiptoe around him or baby him.

That makes a lot of sense. The phrase I've used several times is "I feel like I have to walk on eggshells around you." I'm sick of that. I wanna just put my foot down, not always bring it down softly out of fear, or not even take the damn step.

I do wonder how this would've gone without Rose. Would I have tried so hard to get thru, to convince her to change if there wasn't a family on the line? I honestly don't know anymore. I know for a fact that I was madly in love with her, but who I thought she was and who she actually is don't match up. Maybe if there wasn't a baby making us feel like we had to go faster than we would have otherwise...

At least I'm growing a lot from this. I know what mistakes to not make again.