Are Nice Guys Doormats For Women???

[Anita18]

I've chatted with "nice" guys that just get SO FRIGGIN UPSET when I tell them I'm not attracted to them or whatever. It's like they think that because they're nice, women should be flocking to them.

The definition of a "nice" person doesn't include being a pushover and having no ambition or personality. The self-professed "nice guys" who complain about being single are almost always pushovers and have no ambition or personality. The nice single people who don't complain are usually the ones who don't care about being in a relationship.

 

[Boom]

I suffered this problem during my high school years. Fortunately I was able to fine tune myself in time for college.

There's nice, and then there's too nice.

There's genuinely being nice, and then there's being nice just to get something out of it.

 

[AndThePickles]

I suffered this problem during my high school years. Fortunately I was able to fine tune myself in time for college.

There's nice, and then there's too nice.

There's genuinely being nice, and then there's being nice just to get something out of it.

It's about balance.

That's most people's problem.

 

[Boom]

Let's paint a scenario. A girl you like wants you to drive her to Taco Bell (she's drunk). You have things to do.

Nice guy: Tells her he can't do it because he's busy with other things but maybe next time.
Too nice guy: Goes out of his way to take her, despite other priorities.

 

[Gilpesh]

If a nice guy wants to get a girl, don't be nice to her, just everyone else.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I don't know what women are looking for, all I know is that I am sick and tired of them.

Yea, I'm the "nice guy". And yea, I've pretty much been the "doormat".

I guess you could call me "needy", but I've been turned that way. I'm 24 years old, and honestly, I've never had so much as a date. I went out with this one girl for awhile that I met in college, and when I took her out for Valentine's Day, and made my move, she gave me the "I just wanna be friends". After her, I got in touch with an old friend from high school, and her and I started going out a bit as well. But after I made my move, she gave me the whole "I just wanna be friends" thing as well. So honestly, I think it's hard for me to say that I've ever really "dated".

I actually have a good amount of female friends. I get along with women rather well, actually. One of my best friends is a woman, and her and I spend a -lot- of time together, and I almost do treat her like my girlfriend, even though she's with a friend of mine. But I take care of her, and go out of my way to see her, and a lot of "boyfriend" type stuff for her. Although my feelings for her are completely unromantic.

But the point of it is that I can make female friends. But the moment the idea of being anything more comes up, they want nothing to do with me. A perfect example is this girl Lisa I met in college. She started talking to me, and after talking for a little while, she began really spilling things to me, telling me personal things about her life, her hopes and dreams, and the problems she was facing. She really turned to me to help her through it. In this time, I felt that she was a really cool girl, that I felt I really connected with because we were both going through similar things in life. Her and I got together one night to study for an exam we had coming up. Obviously, we spent a lot of time talking, and just hanging out. After we were done, I asked her if she'd like to get together after our exam to grab some ice cream. From that moment on, she avoided me like the plague.

I dunno if I come off too needy. Maybe I do. I know that I -am- a very nice guy. And I do, as the movie says, "put the ***** on a pedastal". I treat women with respect. I approach them with the respect that they deserve. If we go out, I offer to pay. And in general, I am just a courteous guy. Hell, I know this girl that -twice-, I could have had sex with her if I had taken advantage of her drunken state... and she was a girl that I -do- want physically. But, because I have too much respect to just use a woman for sex, I never allowed the situation to happen.

Unfortunatley for me, I'm a very lonely person. It pisses me off when some of my friends tell me to "relax" and just "let it happen". Okay, maybe I am too needy, but seriously, it pisses me off because these people will -never- know what this feels like. I am 24 years old, never had a real girlfriend, still a virgin, and never so much as even had a real date. And I -don't- think I'm a bad looking guy at all (although I know I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, I am definatley no Harry Knowles). They all have. Right now, I am the only single person amongst all of my friends. They always tell me "oh, it's not that important, you're young". My friend of the same age is freaking ENGAGED TO THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS! My response is "if relationships aren't that important, then I'd like to see you give up YOUR girlfriend". Shuts him up good.

These people will never know what it's like to feel this lonely. Yet, they try to act like it's no big deal. But they haven't been where I've been. Quite frankly, it hurts being this "nice guy" that women say that they want, but will never have anything to do with romantically. It hurts knowing I can be friends to as many women as I want, but I'll never be able to experience more. At least it -feels- like I'll never be able to experience more.

And don't take this the wrong way. I do get on with my life. I handle my business, and I enjoy life. I don't sit around moping all day because I am alone. I just wanted to rant because considering my situation, I do feel very strongly about the subject.

 

[Gilpesh]

Just counter with the always fun. "Sorry, got enough friends already."

 

[Ghostvirus]

I don't know what women are looking for, all I know is that I am sick and tired of them.

Yea, I'm the "nice guy". And yea, I've pretty much been the "doormat".

I guess you could call me "needy", but I've been turned that way. I'm 24 years old, and honestly, I've never had so much as a date. I went out with this one girl for awhile that I met in college, and when I took her out for Valentine's Day, and made my move, she gave me the "I just wanna be friends". After her, I got in touch with an old friend from high school, and her and I started going out a bit as well. But after I made my move, she gave me the whole "I just wanna be friends" thing as well. So honestly, I think it's hard for me to say that I've ever really "dated".

I actually have a good amount of female friends. I get along with women rather well, actually. One of my best friends is a woman, and her and I spend a -lot- of time together, and I almost do treat her like my girlfriend, even though she's with a friend of mine. But I take care of her, and go out of my way to see her, and a lot of "boyfriend" type stuff for her. Although my feelings for her are completely unromantic.

But the point of it is that I can make female friends. But the moment the idea of being anything more comes up, they want nothing to do with me. A perfect example is this girl Lisa I met in college. She started talking to me, and after talking for a little while, she began really spilling things to me, telling me personal things about her life, her hopes and dreams, and the problems she was facing. She really turned to me to help her through it. In this time, I felt that she was a really cool girl, that I felt I really connected with because we were both going through similar things in life. Her and I got together one night to study for an exam we had coming up. Obviously, we spent a lot of time talking, and just hanging out. After we were done, I asked her if she'd like to get together after our exam to grab some ice cream. From that moment on, she avoided me like the plague.

I dunno if I come off too needy. Maybe I do. I know that I -am- a very nice guy. And I do, as the movie says, "put the ***** on a pedastal". I treat women with respect. I approach them with the respect that they deserve. If we go out, I offer to pay. And in general, I am just a courteous guy. Hell, I know this girl that -twice-, I could have had sex with her if I had taken advantage of her drunken state... and she was a girl that I -do- want physically. But, because I have too much respect to just use a woman for sex, I never allowed the situation to happen.

Unfortunatley for me, I'm a very lonely person. It pisses me off when some of my friends tell me to "relax" and just "let it happen". Okay, maybe I am too needy, but seriously, it pisses me off because these people will -never- know what this feels like. I am 24 years old, never had a real girlfriend, still a virgin, and never so much as even had a real date. And I -don't- think I'm a bad looking guy at all (although I know I'm not the most attractive guy in the world, I am definatley no Harry Knowles). They all have. Right now, I am the only single person amongst all of my friends. They always tell me "oh, it's not that important, you're young". My friend of the same age is freaking ENGAGED TO THE WOMAN OF HIS DREAMS! My response is "if relationships aren't that important, then I'd like to see you give up YOUR girlfriend". Shuts him up good.

These people will never know what it's like to feel this lonely. Yet, they try to act like it's no big deal. But they haven't been where I've been. Quite frankly, it hurts being this "nice guy" that women say that they want, but will never have anything to do with romantically. It hurts knowing I can be friends to as many women as I want, but I'll never be able to experience more. At least it -feels- like I'll never be able to experience more.

And don't take this the wrong way. I do get on with my life. I handle my business, and I enjoy life. I don't sit around moping all day because I am alone. I just wanted to rant because considering my situation, I do feel very strongly about the subject.

I feel ya man.

A long time ago. Me, & a friend of mine met this chick that was really cool. Me, & her would literally sit up in to the late night just talking. I was really into her, so I decided to make my move. Turns out she wanted my friend.

To this day I still don't get it, because we really connected on an emotional level. But he was more "physically" attractive. It was literally physical attraction V.S. personality. I lost.

I have a ton of stories like that. I really feel like it is my destiny to die alone. I have seriously tried purueing woman, & exactly what you are saying happens to me every time. They will reveal to me there deepest secrets, but when it comes time to get physical. "Oh, I just like you as a friend".

 

[S_H_F_4839]

I feel ya man.

A long time ago. Me, & a friend of mine met this chick that was really cool. Me, & her would literally sit up in to the late night just talking. I was really into her, so I decided to make my move. Turns out she wanted my friend.

To this day I still don't get it, because we really connected on an emotional level. But he was more "physically" attractive. It was literally physical attraction V.S. personality. I lost.

I have a ton of stories like that. I really feel like it is my destiny to die alone. I have seriously tried purueing woman, & exactly what you are saying happens to me every time. They will reveal to me there deepest secrets, but when it comes time to get physical. "Oh, I just like you as a friend".

I have had two girls pull that on me, the getting close to get to know a friend, its really quite irritating.

Oh and about the line sorry I got enough friends thats a good one of you know how to block a slap, because I have used it a couple of times and everytime I do they take a swing, but I am quicker that people give me credit for.t:

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

I feel ya man.

A long time ago. Me, & a friend of mine met this chick that was really cool. Me, & her would literally sit up in to the late night just talking. I was really into her, so I decided to make my move. Turns out she wanted my friend.

To this day I still don't get it, because we really connected on an emotional level. But he was more "physically" attractive. It was literally physical attraction V.S. personality. I lost.

I have a ton of stories like that. I really feel like it is my destiny to die alone. I have seriously tried purueing woman, & exactly what you are saying happens to me every time. They will reveal to me there deepest secrets, but when it comes time to get physical. "Oh, I just like you as a friend".

Yup.

This actually just happened to me again recently.

I sorta mentioned the girl in my previous post... but basically, this girl gets ahold of me after we haven't spoken in a year. She says "I know it's probably too late, but I've changed, and I've gotten all the ****ty guys out of my life. I miss you" and goes on like that for awhile. To me, that sounds like "I messed up the 1st time around, but I hope I can have a 2nd chance with you because I realize how special you are and I want you"... well, that's what it sounds like anyways.

I go see this girl, with that in mind. And I'm thinking for SURE she'll take it slow. After all, the reason why we haven't spoken in a year was because she was embarassed about our last encounter, when her and I kissed, and she told me that she would have sex with me, and a bunch of stuff, but ended up embarassed because she was drunk. I'm thinking surely she won't make the same mistake twice, especially since she showed how bad she felt by apologizing about it already.

Well, the first time I see her, we end up making out, and she's ALL over me. I'm thinking that it's going to lead to sex, and me thinking she has deeper feelings, I kinda play it as though I don't want it, and play it so that I won't let it get to that point.

She apologizes again for her behavior (yes, she was drunk), but still asks to see me. She wants her and I to see a movie together. So I go with her, and I'm putting myself out there, putting my arm around her, rubbing her arm, stuff like that. She ends up telling me "I just want to be your friend"

I haven't talked to her in a year, because she avoided contact with me because she was embarassed. And the first thing she does is do the same exact thing that she was embarassed about a year ago.

I told her "look you have to understand the position you put me in." and went on a long tangent about how I don't need any friends.

She said a couple things back about how she -does- need friends, and that she never wanted to hurt me, and she really wants me there as a friend. But other than that, I haven't heard from her since.

 

[N.Sef]

I'm basically the type of guy who talks to a lot of girls, but at the end of the day I never actually get involved with, these I consider friends. I can't get out of that rut at the moment, and with Uni pretty much ramping up right now I really don't have the time.

I'm that guy you see girls talking to and pouring out their feelings to me about another bloke, I don't really mind since I give them a male perspective on what the guy might think of their actions.

 

[Ghostvirus]

Yup.

This actually just happened to me again recently.

I sorta mentioned the girl in my previous post... but basically, this girl gets ahold of me after we haven't spoken in a year. She says "I know it's probably too late, but I've changed, and I've gotten all the ****ty guys out of my life. I miss you" and goes on like that for awhile. To me, that sounds like "I messed up the 1st time around, but I hope I can have a 2nd chance with you because I realize how special you are and I want you"... well, that's what it sounds like anyways.

I go see this girl, with that in mind. And I'm thinking for SURE she'll take it slow. After all, the reason why we haven't spoken in a year was because she was embarassed about our last encounter, when her and I kissed, and she told me that she would have sex with me, and a bunch of stuff, but ended up embarassed because she was drunk. I'm thinking surely she won't make the same mistake twice, especially since she showed how bad she felt by apologizing about it already.

Well, the first time I see her, we end up making out, and she's ALL over me. I'm thinking that it's going to lead to sex, and me thinking she has deeper feelings, I kinda play it as though I don't want it, and play it so that I won't let it get to that point.

She apologizes again for her behavior (yes, she was drunk), but still asks to see me. She wants her and I to see a movie together. So I go with her, and I'm putting myself out there, putting my arm around her, rubbing her arm, stuff like that. She ends up telling me "I just want to be your friend"

I haven't talked to her in a year, because she avoided contact with me because she was embarassed. And the first thing she does is do the same exact thing that she was embarassed about a year ago.

I told her "look you have to understand the position you put me in." and went on a long tangent about how I don't need any friends.

She said a couple things back about how she -does- need friends, and that she never wanted to hurt me, and she really wants me there as a friend. But other than that, I haven't heard from her since.

Damn.

That would have pissed me off royally!

 

[Shuley]

"Friend" is such an evil word.

 

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

Damn.

That would have pissed me off royally!

Yea, it pissed me off too.

I mean, the reason why I tried -not- to have sex with her the 2nd time around was because I thought she had feelings for me, and I didn't know how I felt about her, and I didn't want to do something like that, only to realize that I don't have feelings for her, and hurt her.

Cuz I'm too nice of a guy I guess.

But I still wanted to see where things were gonna go. I've wanted this girl since I met her. Things happened to where I was over her for a bit, but when she came back to me the way she did, I was hoping that she had changed. I wanted to see where things were going to go, I just thought they were moving -too- fast that first night.

And then to get the "I just want to be your friend" bull****, again! It's like ****ing aye man! I'm 24 years old, when is a girl going to come along that -does- want to be more than just my friend?

I have my female friends. I have one female who I consider like a sister to me, and I have no desire for her as a girlfriend, or a sexual partner. She's with a friend of mine, and I am perfectly happy for them. They are getting married next month, I couldn't be happier. I have another girl who I also consider very close to me, a very good friend as well. And there's a couple chicks I talk to as friends, but don't have anything else between us.

I don't need more. I have my female companionship that doesn't require sticking my penis into her. And I'm happy with that situation, -IN THAT SITUATION-

I don't need to bring more "friends" into the mix.

Sorry to all you women if that sounds cold, but really, we -aren't- your friend. We never wanted to be your -friend-. We're there for you, to help you through your hard times, because we care about you deeper than that.

My friendship with my friend that I consider a sister truly is an anamoly.

And I won't lie. If I met her on my own terms, and my friend was never a factor, I'd want to nail the living hell out of her too. But things didn't work out that way. She was my friend's girlfriend, and that's how I came to know her. After spending a lot of time together, we've developed a special bond, a close friendship, and I'm happy with that. But if circumstances were different, I dunno that they would be.

I mean, how I feel about even this girl - if her and my friend ever broke up... I wouldn't make a move on her. But at the same time, I dunno if I'd feel happy about her getting with somebody else...

 

[Shuley]

I'm basically the type of guy who talks to a lot of girls, but at the end of the day I never actually get involved with, these I consider friends. I can't get out of that rut at the moment, and with Uni pretty much ramping up right now I really don't have the time.

I'm that guy you see girls talking to and pouring out their feelings to me about another bloke, I don't really mind since I give them a male perspective on what the guy might think of their actions.

This is why I don't make friends with women anymore.Why torture yourself?

 

[The Kid]

Good lawd, Nell, I didn't know you were like that?

thankfully there's prostitution.

I'm serious. Us guys have to jump through hoops while women do nothing but sit around waiting for Mr.Perfect who doesn't exist.

Prostitution may just be the only resort, my friend.

 

[SoulManX]

The Friends Zone also known as the Kiss Of Death

 

[redmarvel]

Here's the problem, you're listening to her problems, which just gets her further depressed... you're not helping her get out of her sad mood... Now she'll start associating you with the "bad" things that have happened to her. Fair, nope.

Here's the solution, distract her from her problems. Take her out somewhere wild and fun. Say something along the lines of "You know what, I think you need to have some fun. What say we go to X?" X can be a dance club, a comedy club, a water park, an amusement park, a concert, whatever... but make sure it's fun and will make her forget whatever problem is bothering her.

Listening is great, listening is fine, but what she really wants is someone to help her change her mood.

 

[The Kid]

So it's like the Sims.

Try not get any of those - signs over her head and you'll be rolling in the hay at high speed in no time.

 

[Neptune]

Nell, you need to be way more aggressive man. I always had great results when i when i was being direct and aggressive. Just straight up tell her you're not looking for a friend. And make it clear you are sexually interested in her.

 

[Shuley]

Here's the problem, you're listening to her problems, which just gets her further depressed... you're not helping her get out of her sad mood... Now she'll start associating you with the "bad" things that have happened to her. Fair, nope.

Here's the solution, distract her from her problems. Take her out somewhere wild and fun. Say something along the lines of "You know what, I think you need to have some fun. What say we go to X?" X can be a dance club, a comedy club, a water park, an amusement park, a concert, whatever... but make sure it's fun and will make her forget whatever problem is bothering her.

Listening is great, listening is fine, but what she really wants is someone to help her change her mood.

everything with women,is a cry for help...lol. I'll have to keep this advice in mind though.

 

[Erzengel]

To Nell, & Max etc.

Just because a woman is spilling their guts or telling you intimate details about their lives to you isn't necessarily means they are interested. Just because they hang out with you doesn't mean they are interested.

I know this all sucks and it's the "game" etc. I wouldn't say that it's because you guys are "nice" and that's your downfall. I'd say you just have bad luck selecting women.

Nell for example, there are a lot of explanations besides the "I'm a nice guy..." that stopped your relationship. Don't think of women as another species, the girl you hooked up with, might have just been looking for a hook up, not looking for anything serious or sorry to say this, maybe not looking for anything serious with you specifically.

Max. The girl you thought you connected with, she could have just been looking for someone to talk to. Don't mistakes a woman's kindness for attraction.

 

[The Kid]

And therein lies the great puzzle. How's nell supposed to know if she wants to be more than friends? What he obviously is struggling with is an age old problem we all have. We can't understand the secret sign language stuff women supposedly do. We're direct, to the point. Of course "nice guys" are more sensitive and try not to be too blunt, and that's their problem to me. The guy who is blunt, pesters, and charms a woman will succeed. I've seen it all my days since 8th grade. Nerdy bookworm will fail in this area because he's been taught to respect women...

really just watch ghostbusters and a lot of 80s movies with this sort of element in it. It's all true.

My advice. Don't do that "put yourself out there" crap. Put yourself out there and then what? You're still you, still completely lame. What you have to do is make money, lots of it. women are prostitutes. My sister said it herself so I'm not just pulling this out of my butt. They want to be bought. Money is the key, my friend.

 

[Erzengel]

Not all women are materialistic and that's a seperate topic among itself.

However, whomever said "All you need is love." was never poor. When women get older, they want to have a semi comfortable life styel, they don't want to be living in a one bedroom apartment, or still living with his parents. What's really wrong with that?

And "put yourself out there" is pretty good advice because what's the alternative? Sit on your hands and wait for opportunity to fall into your lap?

If you are in school, try school activities, functions etc. Try getting set up by friends and family. If you are out of school, try the bar, club scene. If you don't like the bar, club scene, try community activities and social organizations. If you aren't having any luck, try an online dating service.

 

[Shuley]

Just remember..."Girls wanna have fun"