From SHH with Love: The Relationship Thread

[A Necessary Evil]

This is true.

 

[Erzengel]

She may even sleep with you, but it may not mean anything.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Finally worked up the courage to ask this guy I'd been flirting with for the last few months out on a date. It's been a day, and no response.

That sucks. When are you next going to see them in person?

 

[A Necessary Evil]

She may even sleep with you, but it may not mean anything.

No, she won't. She told me that when I lose my virginity it needs to be someone I am in love with.

 

[Erzengel]

Yeah I use to think that way to.

It was right between wait tIl I got married and the first opportunity.

 

[lixdexia]

No, she won't. She told me that when I lose my virginity it needs to be someone I am in love with.

that's way too much pressure. you need to go unload one first.

 

[A Necessary Evil]

Yeah I use to think that way to.

It was right between wait tIl I got married and the first opportunity.

I'm so anxious and sexually frustrated/embarrassed that it's literally first opportunity for me.

that's way too much pressure. you need to go unload one first.

See above.

 

[Anita18]

She probably just wants the attention.

There's even the possibility she may not want YOU as her boyfriend.

Yup. My (now married) friend still really enjoys it when she gets attention from guys. She wouldn't kiss now though, but heavy flirting is still okay with her. Not sure if the hubby knows, but yeah. She has no intention of leaving him anyway, she just likes the attention and power over guys.

I wanted to be a bit creative, so I designed this cute/somewhat quirky invitation. Or at least I tried to.

Hah, it can take people weeks to get back to you re: invitations. I sent my wedding invites out two weeks ago and I'm JUST getting RSVPs back. Postal service within the state should take a day. Not even my officiant has responded. I hope he's still showing up!

 

[Nave 'Torment']

"Good enough" is relative in relationships. It's all about how you're compatible, not about "goodness" or "standards" or all that crap.

Well I've always wondered whether I'd ever be really compatible with anyone, she's the first one who managed to convince me that I was wrong and that I can be compatible with a member of the opposite gender. Problem is, now I'm starting to wonder if it's her or not. I should really try looking for a social introvert next time, instead of someone as extroverted as her.

Thing is, she's somewhere inbetween. Which makes it still more confusing.

And yes, I'm part of a wedding-planning online community now and there are many, many brides who cut off contact with their families because they've been emotionally abusive and want to control everything, including destroying the relationship between the two altar-bound partners. You don't HAVE to have other people get up all into your bzns if you don't want them to. You do have a choice - get them out of your life. Right now she doesn't see that option, but it's there. She has to want it enough, and she doesn't. I don't know what else to tell you.

You really don't need to tell me anything regarding this. But yeah do tell me what I ought to do regarding the gifts. Please? Still confused here.

She could have cared for you before her parents got in the way, but if she won't go to bat for you in the face of her parents, whom she has a choice in not listening to, what about other things? What about when you two are looking for jobs, or other real-life things that are actually going to affect both of you directly? If she has no faith in you now, she won't have faith in you then.

I need to have more faith in myself before I expect someone like her to have faith in me at all. I dunno if I should be blaming myself for this entire thing (which would be productive) or her.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I'm so anxious and sexually frustrated/embarrassed that it's literally first opportunity for me.

You're in a place and in a culture where being sexually active isn't necessarily a social taboo, do you want to be in a relationship with this person or just bed her?

If it's the former, well tough luck since she isn't open to it. Maybe she will be someday but why wait for her if she's not into it? If it's the latter, then you seem to have an open path. If I were you I'd hook up with someone else.

 

[Anita18]

Well I've always wondered whether I'd ever be really compatible with anyone, she's the first one who managed to convince me that I was wrong and that I can be compatible with a member of the opposite gender. Problem is, now I'm starting to wonder if it's her or not. I should really try looking for a social introvert next time, instead of someone as extroverted as her.

Thing is, she's somewhere inbetween. Which makes it still more confusing.

People aren't nearly as predictable as we want them to be. I have more hermit-y tendencies than my fiance, but I'm willing to go out and try new things. And I'm also more willing to tolerate crowds. It's weird.

The important thing is to be comfortable with yourself, and communicate using that security. You don't need to categorize yourself to do that.

You really don't need to tell me anything regarding this. But yeah do tell me what I ought to do regarding the gifts. Please? Still confused here.

I'm a rare woman who doesn't care for gifts. Gifts mean nothing to me. Which is actually a good thing because my fiance is CRAP at giving them! He wouldn't know a meaningful gift for me if it hit him in the face!

Part of it's the whole feminist angle of how "men should use gifts to buy a woman's affection." The more expensive the gift, the more affection he's asking. My coworker, the one with the crap husband, gets some very expensive gifts sometimes. The bigger the transgression, the more expensive the gift. Unfortunately, this does make her forgive him (she's more materialistic than I am), but their deep-seated relationship problems are still there. He would not last a week married to me, lemme tell you! "This designer purse is not going to help me do laundry!!! "

So if you buy her an expensive gift, it may make her feel guilty. Maybe she'll want to be with you a little more, but is that what you want? To use expensive gifts to guilt her into a relationship with you? And if you start now, she won't let you stop. Everything you do "wrong," you'll need to shell out money to keep her.

If it must be meaningful, then make it meaningful. Meaningful doesn't have to mean expensive. "Meaningful" mostly means you've been listening to them and know what they like, instead of the rote "flowers and chocolate and jewelry." Even friends can give each other meaningful gifts. I do. I love giving meaningful gifts to my friends, even if I get nothing in return. But please don't feel the need to make it expensive. To me, that just opens up too many cans of worms.

I need to have more faith in myself before I expect someone like her to have faith in me at all. I dunno if I should be blaming myself for this entire thing (which would be productive) or her.

It's always the two of you. Probably equally. Makes it simpler. That allows for room to improve yourself, while still keeping faith that it was mostly a compatibility issue.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I couldn't agree more. But I'll add that it's usually the two individuals within the relationship who LET the others get involved.

It's all about choice. At the end of the day, we're all still responsible for our failures. Because, yes, we just weren't good enough.

You seem convinced that she sees this as a failure. I'm not so sure she does. Sounds to me like she is itching for something different; and hey, that's her choice and it's okay. That sort of thing happens all the time.

 

[Godzilla2000]

*sigh* I need some outsider advice on something here. How do I get a friend to understand something I'm trying to point out without offending them? He's insinuated things to me but I keep telling him I'm more interested in being a real friend and I don't feel right just being showered with material things I haven't personally purchased. I'm crushing on him and I have reason to believe he likes me but he likes a posh, expensive lifestyle and I like the more practical, simple, intangible things and I just don't really fit in with what he seems is acceptable. I hate fussing and dressing up in fancy clothes but he loves it, we're so completely opposite I just don't think it would work. It hurts to think I just can't make something work out between us because of how vastly different we are.

 

[Erzengel]

1. Have you 2 actually been on a date?

2. Has this guy even bought you anything yet?

 

[Godzilla2000]

1. Have you 2 actually been on a date?

Oh no, no, I'm just friends with feelings for him I'm trying to understand for now because I'm not 100% sure we could work as a couple. Like I said we're complete opposites and I just am not completely assured I can feel comfortable in his world. I know I'd easily cause him embarrassment because I'm pretty frank about my state of mind at the moment. I make a poor actress when I'm bothered by situations and people. I'm just making an assessment at the moment.

2. Has this guy even bought you anything yet?

Oh he hasn't given me anything, not that I would let him buy anything for me anyways, and especially not if it was a very expensive thing even if he did. I just don't feel comfortable with "gifts" and I don't want to be hypocritical by actively gold digging.

 

[Erzengel]

It's premature to start over analyzing what it'd be like if you actually date. You know when you should analyze stuff like that? When you are dating. It's like the whole thing with Nave, constantly overthinking every minute aspect of something prior to it actually happen.

You can't rely on mental simulators to determine if something is going to work out or not. There are some things that you know by just doing.

 

[A Necessary Evil]

You're in a place and in a culture where being sexually active isn't necessarily a social taboo, do you want to be in a relationship with this person or just bed her?

If it's the former, well tough luck since she isn't open to it. Maybe she will be someday but why wait for her if she's not into it? If it's the latter, then you seem to have an open path. If I were you I'd hook up with someone else.

Well I'm already over her, so it must have been the latter. I've really tried looking other places for women, but none give me the time of day when I try to talk to them.

 

[Anita18]

1. Have you 2 actually been on a date?

2. Has this guy even bought you anything yet?

Yes Godzilla, it's entirely too early to be analyzing these things.

Even if you were raised differently, or your lifestyles are different, it's only a problem if he imposes them on you, and dictates that you MUST adopt his lifestyle too. That's not a given. I don't get a tirade when I come home with groceries that are not from Whole Foods, even if it's my fiance's default store out of habit.

If it bothers you that he's like that but he's fine with you being the way you are, then honestly that's on you.

 

[Erzengel]

Well I'm already over her, so it must have been the latter. I've really tried looking other places for women, but none give me the time of day when I try to talk to them.

How old are you?

 

[A Necessary Evil]

21, going on 22 this may.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Well I'm already over her, so it must have been the latter. I've really tried looking other places for women, but none give me the time of day when I try to talk to them.

Are you not an outgoing person

 

[Erzengel]

Well I've always wondered whether I'd ever be really compatible with anyone, she's the first one who managed to convince me that I was wrong and that I can be compatible with a member of the opposite gender. Problem is, now I'm starting to wonder if it's her or not. I should really try looking for a social introvert next time, instead of someone as extroverted as her.

Thing is, she's somewhere inbetween. Which makes it still more confusing.

I almost forgot that I wanted to comment on this.

You never really put over how much of a relationship you guys had. How long you were "seeing" each other. I know you are from a more conservative society, but in the end, how well did you really know her?

Just because you went out a few times, or spent time together or for a short time decided you were a "couple" =/= compatible.

And who knows maybe you do need someone of an extrovert to help you out of some of your introverted tendencies.

Also, how extroverted was she if she can't even stand up to her parents? Again, nothing you really stated made it sound like she was very outgoing.

You really don't need to tell me anything regarding this. But yeah do tell me what I ought to do regarding the gifts. Please? Still confused here.

Return them?

I need to have more faith in myself before I expect someone like her to have faith in me at all. I dunno if I should be blaming myself for this entire thing (which would be productive) or her.

You're in school, join some programs, just meet people. Make it a program or after class thing that you are interested in so it will help with your introvertedness.

 

[Erzengel]

21, going on 22 this may.

I'm guessing you are in school?

School you should have such a huge selection of meeting people. Classmates, parties, after school activities?

 

[A Necessary Evil]

Are you not an outgoing person

No, like I am...I can talk to a girl, but they don't show interest.

 

[A Necessary Evil]

I'm guessing you are in school?

School you should have such a huge selection of meeting people. Classmates, parties, after school activities?

I'm not, actually. With the odd hours of my job, I won't really have time for a class. I either work from 8-7, 2-7, etc; so forth. I've tried dating websites, and a few of my friends that go to school have had me go to parties, but the nicest I've gotten from a party was last halloween: "cool kick-ash costume." Lol