Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[hopefuldreamer]

Didn't you work at a bar? Just saying, its like asking me to work at a home for wayward women and not do something.

I have worked in bars on and off since uni, and all the way during, but I was talking about my main job as Advertisement Sales Exec which I did consistently for 3 years after uni.

It's just I hate the job so much that by the end of the say I was just counting the time until I go meet my friends for a drink and wash all that boredom and stress away!

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I read your post about the drinking problem... it seems like a recurring theme dude. Maybe you need find some way to channel all that somewhere else? There's no point in drinking casually if you're going to get drunk.

Well that's easier said than done. As I mentioned, it's such a huge part of the culture over here. Almost everything ends up being about alcohol. Birthdays, Christmas, Sports Events, Weddings, Funerals, Bank Holidays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays... weekdays... People drink/get drunk at all occasions possible.

My Mum has been sober the entire time i've been alive. She's also had a very limited social life. All her friends are in AA, all the events she goes to are AA events. Because that's really all she can do. She can't be around people who are all about alcohol too much... and most people over here are all about alcohol.

I just don't wanna have to do that. To become some cut off from society person.

I'd rather just work really hard on not drinking for a while, and then learning how to drink in moderation again.

 

[terry78]

Moderation is like unheard of in some circles, I get that. Either you have to get straight drunk, or not drink anything at all.

 

[Anita18]

Well that's easier said than done. As I mentioned, it's such a huge part of the culture over here. Almost everything ends up being about alcohol. Birthdays, Christmas, Sports Events, Weddings, Funerals, Bank Holidays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays... weekdays... People drink/get drunk at all occasions possible.

My Mum has been sober the entire time i've been alive. She's also had a very limited social life. All her friends are in AA, all the events she goes to are AA events. Because that's really all she can do. She can't be around people who are all about alcohol too much... and most people over here are all about alcohol.

I just don't wanna have to do that. To become some cut off from society person.

I'd rather just work really hard on not drinking for a while, and then learning how to drink in moderation again.

I've only gone to England for a week on a school trip (and some people in our group witnessed a guy so drunk, he passed out, smashed his head open on the curb and the ambulance came and took him away...), but I find it hard to believe that there isn't even one oasis of sobriety that isn't AA over there. Can Dark Raven chime in on this?

And I mean, if the culture really is THAT homogenous about drinking, then isn't continuing to get socially drunk your only option? Because if you decide to go sober and thus eschew everyone who gets drunk, that drastically limits your social circle and it sounds like you don't want that. You don't want a relationship when you stay home and avoid drinking. Does that sound accurate?

And let's face it, it isn't horrible unless you're getting drunk by yourself....What it sounds like you have is a cultural addiction, and I think that can be as hard as a 100% physical addiction. Many addictions I think are a combination of both. At this point, I think you have to ask yourself what sort of people you want to be around. There's a reason why groups of friends are often similar physically and emotionally. They influence each other.

 

[Godzilla2000]

Well...this definitely falls under the whole Ugly description in the thread title but I seem to have the worst luck when it comes to living happily with a man because of other people who desperately want to get their leech like suction cups on very handsome, free, desirable men that have a passing interest in me via their spoiled princesses. It's like these people are telling me that because I'm almost 40 years old I need to just crawl back in my corner and not let a wonderful, intellectual, interesting, intelligent guy that's interested in me into my life because they want their candidate to have him as though I just don't deserve him. One young one in particular has gone so far as to annoy me to the point of irritation, which given the feisty genetics of my maternal grandmother tends to strengthen my resolve and fortify my strength.

Anyways, I like a totally free, single guy that is at the very least ten years younger than I am, but a younger girl I am not well acquainted with, whom I presume is in her 20s, really likes this guy too. It has been intimated to me that the guy in question may like her more as a friend and not a serious acquaintance as they tried being a couple and it didn't work out. I cannot deny that I have some very strong feelings for this guy and I have made him kind of aware of that fact. I'm not 100% certain that he feels the same way and I'm also not sure he would give me a chance to show him my more pleasant side. Plus there is the problem of the young girl who out of jealousy would aggravate our happiness to get us to leave each other. There's just so much gray area here and all the disruptive intrusion from the girl's friends and family members who are very possessive isn't helping anyone. It is instead causing all of us more emotional scarring and mental anguish to her, me and probably him though he handles it so well, than helping anyone. I just wish I could tell them that holding onto something that doesn't work is not healthy for all of us and desperately clinging to this man won't solve any lingering childhood emotional problems the girl has. No, she does not deserve him more than I do and she needs to realize that she's no different from all the other girls out there no matter who she is.

Really, if this girl has to rely on her family to snag a man for her, plotting horrible things to get rid of rivals (If violence is the case with her she really does need intensive psychiatric help and medication to help her live a normal, much more satisfying life.) and all around act like a pink princess terrorist what does that say about what kind of person she really is? She can dress up in all the finest clothes and look like the perfect looking painted doll but it still doesn't change who she is inside. It's frustrating and angering to me because this is what I've gotten from human beings at regular intervals in varying degrees all my life, that I am entitled to nothing and they are entitled to everything.

I am a nice person, I try my best to treat people with respect. I might not be uber-rich but I have a wealth that cannot be measured by the size of my bank account and this is what I want to give to that younger man that I have a crush on. I would willingly treat him like royalty, spoil him with love and adoration, stroke his hair or massage his shoulders, cook for him when he's too tired to get up off the couch from exhaustion, be his secretary, be whatever he needs me to be within logical reason. I want to get up early before he does so I can watch him sleeping next to me for awhile and rouse him when it's time for him to get ready for work. In short I want to give him all the things all those unworthy, crude men in the past do not deserve from me.

*edit* This thought just came to me but maybe I'm just letting my feelings get in the way. I could be totally wrong about this guy and maybe he shares some of the superficial, externally driven traits this girl has. I'm just wondering if all this fighting for this guy is really worth it. But conjecture can't really solve things for me though. It would be easier for me to learn more about this guy if that jealous girl wasn't around and I could get to know him on friendly terms. But like I said there's so much gray area...

*edit* Moral of the story here, if you have to rely on aggression, violence and intimidation to keep someone with you then you are clearly doing things wrong because a person that truly loves you won't need to commit acts of criminal mischief to keep them by your side.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Moderation is like unheard of in some circles, I get that. Either you have to get straight drunk, or not drink anything at all.

I know plenty of people who don't get straight drunk. They are the kind of people that never quite get accepted in the group. They always go home early, they never quite have as much fun. My best friend is the exception to the rule, but she's beautiful and just really full of energy so she has fun no matter what.

I've only gone to England for a week on a school trip (and some people in our group witnessed a guy so drunk, he passed out, smashed his head open on the curb and the ambulance came and took him away...), but I find it hard to believe that there isn't even one oasis of sobriety that isn't AA over there. Can Dark Raven chime in on this?

And I mean, if the culture really is THAT homogenous about drinking, then isn't continuing to get socially drunk your only option? Because if you decide to go sober and thus eschew everyone who gets drunk, that drastically limits your social circle and it sounds like you don't want that. You don't want a relationship when you stay home and avoid drinking. Does that sound accurate?

And let's face it, it isn't horrible unless you're getting drunk by yourself....What it sounds like you have is a cultural addiction, and I think that can be as hard as a 100% physical addiction. Many addictions I think are a combination of both. At this point, I think you have to ask yourself what sort of people you want to be around. There's a reason why groups of friends are often similar physically and emotionally. They influence each other.

Yeah, I mean i've been doing so much thinking about this lately, and a lot of what you've said is true.

I'm sure there ARE groups of people that don't drink... but those people are weird to me. I don't think i'd be that great at socialising with them, and I definitely don't think i'd be satisfied with only socialising in that way.

I have gotten drunk by myself a couple of times since i've been in Bristol. But that is because I don't know a lot of people yet. If I had been back home on those nights, I would have been able to leave my house and have some fun, but it's difficult when i've just been stuck in my room for days with no where to go, and a bit too wary after my bad hospital night to go out drinking alone.

It's definitely going to get a lot easier as I start to get to know a few people better, because then I can just text and say 'Fancy a pint?' when I feel a bit cabin fevery.

You're right, i'm never going to find the kind of person i'm looking for in sober situations.

You know what I realised tonight while talking with a friend? Most of the guys i've had actual feelings for, I met while I was a barmaid. Being a barmaid has always been the greatest thing for me when it comes to social circles. It is so so so easy to make friends once you get accepted into a pub's community. And you HAVE to stay sober, at least until you're shift finishes, so it's a lot harder to make that horrible first impression as the drunk girl... the first impression is the fun barmaid serving your drinks

I've been trying so damn hard to find an office job because I wanted to be on the career path, and I wanted to be a proffesional and earning more money... but maybe for now I should just go back to what I know for a while. Even if it's just to making creating a new social circle easier

 

[Erzengel]

I know a bunch of girls mid twenties, professionals. They went to away for a last hurrah as coworkers etc. One girl got so drunk she puked in her hotel room that she was sharing with other girls and I don't think it was in the bathroom. The other pissed herself in the elevator.

These girls work in professional atmosphere and let themselves go when they are out.

My point is just being in a professional job doesn't mean it's going to make you not go out and drink. Actually a job like that might have times that you might want to drink because you will have more responsibility.

I also know this girl that has done modeling work and has had guys throw themselves out there because she is a beautiful. But she worked the bar scene for a long time, always wondering why she couldn't meet a good guy. It never really occurred to her working at those places where everyone sleeps with everyone and the people who came in for the most part wouldn't supply a proper bf.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I know a bunch of girls mid twenties, professionals. They went to away for a last hurrah as coworkers etc. One girl got so drunk she puked in her hotel room that she was sharing with other girls and I don't think it was in the bathroom. The other pissed herself in the elevator.

These girls work in professional atmosphere and let themselves go when they are out.

My point is just being in a professional job doesn't mean it's going to make you not go out and drink. Actually a job like that might have times that you might want to drink because you will have more responsibility.

I also know this girl that has done modeling work and has had guys throw themselves out there because she is a beautiful. But she worked the bar scene for a long time, always wondering why she couldn't meet a good guy. It never really occurred to her working at those places where everyone sleeps with everyone and the people who came in for the most part wouldn't supply a proper bf.

QFT

I have to agree with everything that you said here. You'd be amazed at the unlikely places that you will meet decent men/women who can treat you right. A place as mundane as a laundromat might be where you might have a chance encounter with a decent individual.

 

[Hound55]

I've only gone to England for a week on a school trip (and some people in our group witnessed a guy so drunk, he passed out, smashed his head open on the curb and the ambulance came and took him away...), but I find it hard to believe that there isn't even one oasis of sobriety that isn't AA over there. Can Dark Raven chime in on this?

AA? Sober? Are you kidding me?!? These people are suffering from an addiction, Anita. Do you have any idea how much stress that brings you in your life? These are the people who most need a drink![/INNER AUSTRALIAN]

 

[Hound55]

QFT

I have to agree with everything that you said here. You'd be amazed at the unlikely places that you will meet decent men/women who can treat you right. A place as mundane as a laundromat might be where you might have a chance encounter with a decent individual.

...or it might not.

 

[Anita18]

I know plenty of people who don't get straight drunk. They are the kind of people that never quite get accepted in the group. They always go home early, they never quite have as much fun. My best friend is the exception to the rule, but she's beautiful and just really full of energy so she has fun no matter what.

Yeah, I mean i've been doing so much thinking about this lately, and a lot of what you've said is true.

I'm sure there ARE groups of people that don't drink... but those people are weird to me. I don't think i'd be that great at socialising with them, and I definitely don't think i'd be satisfied with only socialising in that way.

You're right, i'm never going to find the kind of person i'm looking for in sober situations.

You know what I realised tonight while talking with a friend? Most of the guys i've had actual feelings for, I met while I was a barmaid. Being a barmaid has always been the greatest thing for me when it comes to social circles. It is so so so easy to make friends once you get accepted into a pub's community. And you HAVE to stay sober, at least until you're shift finishes, so it's a lot harder to make that horrible first impression as the drunk girl... the first impression is the fun barmaid serving your drinks

I've been trying so damn hard to find an office job because I wanted to be on the career path, and I wanted to be a proffesional and earning more money... but maybe for now I should just go back to what I know for a while. Even if it's just to making creating a new social circle easier

Yeah, working at the bar is probably a good reason not to get trashed at the bar.

I have no idea what the shifts are like, but maybe it wouldn't be impossible to get a job at the bar on the weekends AND an office job. Although if your coworkers see you it might get awkward.

I am a nice person, I try my best to treat people with respect. I might not be uber-rich but I have a wealth that cannot be measured by the size of my bank account and this is what I want to give to that younger man that I have a crush on. I would willingly treat him like royalty, spoil him with love and adoration, stroke his hair or massage his shoulders, cook for him when he's too tired to get up off the couch from exhaustion, be his secretary, be whatever he needs me to be within logical reason. I want to get up early before he does so I can watch him sleeping next to me for awhile and rouse him when it's time for him to get ready for work. In short I want to give him all the things all those unworthy, crude men in the past do not deserve from me.

*edit* This thought just came to me but maybe I'm just letting my feelings get in the way. I could be totally wrong about this guy and maybe he shares some of the superficial, externally driven traits this girl has. I'm just wondering if all this fighting for this guy is really worth it. But conjecture can't really solve things for me though. It would be easier for me to learn more about this guy if that jealous girl wasn't around and I could get to know him on friendly terms. But like I said there's so much gray area...

If they used to be romantically together, this is highly likely....

 

[Godzilla2000]

You know, I have come to the conclusion having too many long distance crushes on guys all at once really really sucks. But I'm not going to kid myself here, I know I'll have to make a difficult choice. The difficult part of this on my end is that in order to be able to keep my sanity I have to cut one person completely out of my life because I know how I can get. It would just be better to pretend we don't know each other just to spare us both any awkward moments.

*sigh* Why does finding just one suitably faithful loving companion have to be so hard? How in the world can I make any kind of informed decisions when I barely even have the opportunity to get to know the candidates I'm crushing on better. Having long distance crushes really stinks because of the distance factor involved. It's not like I can call them up and hang out with the guys I like because they're both so busy and I'm pretty much location centralized. I have to rely on their own initiative if I want to strike up a conversation with them personally.

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't worry about this too much but I just hate all this incomprehensible gray area. I really want to know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that I can put my complete faith and safety in the hands of the man I choose to be with because I have dated way too many jerks in my past who have betrayed my trust over and over again. I need to see men actually practice what they preach for once.

I don't know if this is normal but I keep having fantasies that the man who truly loves me would show me in person how much they care about my well being with an unscripted, honest, unrestrained display of how deeply his emotions run for me. Sometimes the depth of how much you love someone can give you the strength you need to tell them everything that you've been holding inside your heart. If you love someone genuinely enough and you know they are just as attracted to you that can help give you the courage you need to overcome any apprehension and doubt.

I guess what it really comes down to is who can absolutely without a shadow of doubt keep me safe from harm as best as he can, not drag me towards it YOLO style.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

I've only gone to England for a week on a school trip (and some people in our group witnessed a guy so drunk, he passed out, smashed his head open on the curb and the ambulance came and took him away...), but I find it hard to believe that there isn't even one oasis of sobriety that isn't AA over there. Can Dark Raven chime in on this?

And I mean, if the culture really is THAT homogenous about drinking, then isn't continuing to get socially drunk your only option? Because if you decide to go sober and thus eschew everyone who gets drunk, that drastically limits your social circle and it sounds like you don't want that. You don't want a relationship when you stay home and avoid drinking. Does that sound accurate?

And let's face it, it isn't horrible unless you're getting drunk by yourself....What it sounds like you have is a cultural addiction, and I think that can be as hard as a 100% physical addiction. Many addictions I think are a combination of both. At this point, I think you have to ask yourself what sort of people you want to be around. There's a reason why groups of friends are often similar physically and emotionally. They influence each other.

Well my brother works in the UK and I've spent a few summers there, I actually love the place watched the TDK premiere there back in '08 and it was just brilliant. But that was London, and the thing about London that I got from those visits is that it's such a diversified city now, compared to say New York where you do have so many people from different ethnic backgrounds but all sort of boil down to a single, Americanised culture that makes up New York. London, from my take, is this place where you have ethnic diversity and with that you have cultural diversity as well -- like the Bengalis there acted like they were in Bangladesh whereas in New York they acted like they were in New York. If ... that makes any sense. What I'm trying to say is that my impression of UK was that it had a diverse culture, and seemed to me that people were just more open to that. Maybe I was just there at the right time?

On the other hand, yes I suppose drinking is a big part as well. I mean it certainly is everywhere else. It's worse when you're in a conservative culture that's highly religious and against consumption but on weekends or holidays people tend to go out and get drunk or stoned anyway but they can't care to admit it the next morning. Which is worse. That was Saudi Arabia for me.

Bangladesh as it is now is just... plain confused. The traditional culture here doesn't involve drinking, so when half the people do go out to get a drink it's usually a feast and no one seems to be able to hold their alcohol

I have worked in bars on and off since uni, and all the way during, but I was talking about my main job as Advertisement Sales Exec which I did consistently for 3 years after uni.

It's just I hate the job so much that by the end of the say I was just counting the time until I go meet my friends for a drink and wash all that boredom and stress away!

You were also planning on doing something you liked doing, I think it was journalism right? Maybe if you get a job in that field you won't be bored and wanting to numb all that boredom down or some such?

Well that's easier said than done. As I mentioned, it's such a huge part of the culture over here. Almost everything ends up being about alcohol. Birthdays, Christmas, Sports Events, Weddings, Funerals, Bank Holidays, Fridays, Saturdays, Sundays... weekdays... People drink/get drunk at all occasions possible.

I know what you mean and yeah, no one's saying it's going to be easy, especially since you'll be around it, but maybe you ought to try to keep from getting drunk when you're out with a guy or something? Since you said that most of your dates went bad because you were drunk through them? I don't mean to sound preachy or anything, just saying that since you seem to want to have a good time without involving a hangover the next morning, why not aim for it the next time you're out?

I just don't wanna have to do that. To become some cut off from society person.

I'd rather just work really hard on not drinking for a while, and then learning how to drink in moderation again.

Exactly, drinking will be a part of your environment and the people around you and your culture in general, but that doesn't mean you have to let it rule your life when you don't want it to. And there's nothing wrong in drinking in moderation since you get satisfy both yourself and those cultural "conventions."

But about not being that person cut off from society... I'm getting that myself and it's ****ing depressing. But what I keep trying to tell myself is that being that cut-off person isn't all that bad. If you don't fit into society's traditional standards -- graduate at 24, get a career-job by 26, get married with kids by 30, a life-altering disease by 40 which makes you bitter and want to go wild, all "sagely" by 50, then maybe roll-over and die by 60 (okay went wayy too far there ) -- if you don't fit into those standards, that doesn't make you "abnormal" or a "weirdo" or anything.

Internalizing THAT has been hard for me.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Let me try to do my best with that Godzilla...

You know, I have come to the conclusion having too many long distance crushes on guys all at once really really sucks. But I'm not going to kid myself here, I know I'll have to make a difficult choice. The difficult part of this on my end is that in order to be able to keep my sanity I have to cut one person completely out of my life because I know how I can get. It would just be better to pretend we don't know each other just to spare us both any awkward moments.

Long-distance relationships need to be relationships in order to work right? A crush isn't a relationship, and if it's long-distance the chances for it to grow into something better is even more slim.

I'd put my own sanity first over someone I was into who didn't reciprocate it. It's their loss, not yours.

*sigh* Why does finding just one suitably faithful loving companion have to be so hard?

It's not, keep at it -- you'll find someone who fits the bill Just don't expect it to be instantaneous. That's something I think I suffer myself, to want 100% guarantee that the other person would stay committed and love me and care about me from the first date, and thing is, it's never that easy. It's harder still if you've already started feeling more about someone and they're not on the same level, that they feel less but you're willing to push it to a 100%. Best bet would be to be with someone who's on the same level of emotional investment to avoid those heartbreaks. And heck, if it feels hard, think about how rewarding it would be when you do make it work.

How in the world can I make any kind of informed decisions when I barely even have the opportunity to get to know the candidates I'm crushing on better. Having long distance crushes really stinks because of the distance factor involved. It's not like I can call them up and hang out with the guys I like because they're both so busy and I'm pretty much location centralized. I have to rely on their own initiative if I want to strike up a conversation with them personally.

Yeah that's really not making it work is it? You're not even in a relationship and already you're waiting on them. Long-distance relationships are hard as they are and very rarely is it fulfilling. If you're not emotionally invested in them, don't go into it. You can't go on a date when you're at home.

Why don't you try finding someone around your physical proximity?

I keep telling myself that I shouldn't worry about this too much but I just hate all this incomprehensible gray area. I really want to know 100% without a shadow of a doubt that I can put my complete faith and safety in the hands of the man I choose to be with because I have dated way too many jerks in my past who have betrayed my trust over and over again. I need to see men actually practice what they preach for once.

Okay that's a bit gray as it is; do you mean someone specfic or are you generalising it? Because in general you shouldn't have to be in any grey-area with someone, that's just a toxic-mixture for death. If it's about dating, you do have to give the guy some time to get to know you better before he makes that commitment: and vice versa too, if he's some guy who doesn't want to invest emotionally in you, you shouldn't either. As you said, if he doesn't "practice what he preaches" then you bolt, but you give them the chance to see if they're like that or not initially without getting too attached.

I don't know if this is normal but I keep having fantasies that the man who truly loves me would show me in person how much they care about my well being with an unscripted, honest, unrestrained display of how deeply his emotions run for me. Sometimes the depth of how much you love someone can give you the strength you need to tell them everything that you've been holding inside your heart. If you love someone genuinely enough and you know they are just as attracted to you that can help give you the courage you need to overcome any apprehension and doubt.

I guess what it really comes down to is who can absolutely without a shadow of doubt keep me safe from harm as best as he can, not drag me towards it YOLO style.

What if someone isn't as good with his expressions? I know there are many out there who aren't. What if someone really bleeds out for ya but he just can't justify it with words and so when he's talking he fumbles his words and can't get that across? Some people are just great with other people and so they're great with communicating their feelings, that isn't the same for others, even if they love someone genuinely.

And finally -- what do you mean by "keeping you safe from harm" ? You do that on your own, you do not depend on someone else for your own happiness. You stay happy when you're with someone else but you do not let that be the starting point. Otherwise you'll become a symbiote instead of a soul-mate. The idea is to be happy and being able to take care of yourself first, then let the other person into your life and you both then have a fulfilling relationship.

 

[Dark Raven]

Is she hot? Give her a shot, take Erz's advice on the 2 strike rule, see if she's as much of a snob as she is in person as she is online (I doubt it because even the snobbiest person will not act that way in front of you, least of all in a date). See it through, just don't get too attached mate.

Well today is the day of this date in a few hours time. I feel rather apathetic towards it though. Is she even going to show up (It's no big loss if she doesn't as I have other things I can do)? It would've been better if she had been at least even a bit more responsive in emails instead of almost a brick wall. At the moment, going into this date, I already feel that there isn't going to be much to talk about. If she doesn't show, then I'm cutting her loose, because I'm already bored with this person.

I'm not attached at all - and no, I don't think she's hot. In fact, with any of these recent online dates, I just haven't been attracted to any of them before the date but have just gone on them because no-one else has responded to my messages. So I'm never going out with anyone I'm really attracted to at all (or feel that much of a connection even in emails) but just doing it just for the sake of the experience, for practice ultimately. But it's either that or not going on any kind of dates at all. But I'm always going in almost with no expectations and knowing that it's probably not going to lead to anything.

 

[Nave 'Torment']

Well today is the day of this date in a few hours time. I feel rather apathetic towards it though. Is she even going to show up (It's no big loss if she doesn't as I have other things I can do)? It would've been better if she had been at least even a bit more responsive in emails instead of almost a brick wall. At the moment, going into this date, I already feel that there isn't going to be much to talk about. If she doesn't show, then I'm cutting her loose, because I'm already bored with this person.

I'm not attached at all - and no, I don't think she's hot. In fact, with any of these recent online dates, I just haven't been attracted to any of them before the date but have just gone on them because no-one else has responded to my messages. So I'm never going out with anyone I'm really attracted to at all (or feel that much of a connection even in emails) but just doing it just for the sake of the experience, for practice ultimately. But it's either that or not going on any kind of dates at all. But I'm always going in almost with no expectations and knowing that it's probably not going to lead to anything.

lol i mean you gotta be at least a little bit attracted to them to want to go out right? Otherwise what's the damn point? I'm saying you shouldn't get too attached. But heck, for what it's worth, good luck with it. If it works out then it's great, see if she pulls through, if not then shrug it off and move on. No point in continuing anything with someone if you find them boring before even becoming committed.

 

[Anita18]

But about not being that person cut off from society... I'm getting that myself and it's ****ing depressing. But what I keep trying to tell myself is that being that cut-off person isn't all that bad. If you don't fit into society's traditional standards -- graduate at 24, get a career-job by 26, get married with kids by 30, a life-altering disease by 40 which makes you bitter and want to go wild, all "sagely" by 50, then maybe roll-over and die by 60 (okay went wayy too far there ) -- if you don't fit into those standards, that doesn't make you "abnormal" or a "weirdo" or anything.

Internalizing THAT has been hard for me.

Ugh, the thought of "get a job, get married, have kids, die happy" never interested me. I hate having things already determined for me! Imma buck that trend!

Also, not having a core group of friends doesn't necessarily mean you're "cut off" from society. My mom is an introvert through and through. She can go weeks without speaking to another human. (Which is what sometimes happens when Dad is on an overseas business trip. It's just her and the dog.) But she still reaches out to the world. She volunteers at the tiny city zoo and goes to the gym with fellow old ladies and has made some pretty awesome friends that way. She just traveled north to another state to see her roommates from college. So she does have friends. Good friends, in fact, if she's still seeing them 30 years on! She just reaches out to them on her terms, not feeling pressured to go out and see someone every day (or even every week), just so she doesn't feel alone. She's a giving soul and doesn't feel jipped if a friend has closer friends than her.

But I know how you feel. In college I felt like I was cut off from the community if I didn't go out with my friends every day. It's definitely taken time to accept that it's okay not to have a core group of friends that you do everything with. Even as a kid, I traveled between groups.

Let me try to do my best with that Godzilla...

Oh Nave, even I've stopped trying.

Well today is the day of this date in a few hours time. I feel rather apathetic towards it though. Is she even going to show up (It's no big loss if she doesn't as I have other things I can do)? It would've been better if she had been at least even a bit more responsive in emails instead of almost a brick wall. At the moment, going into this date, I already feel that there isn't going to be much to talk about. If she doesn't show, then I'm cutting her loose, because I'm already bored with this person.

I'm not attached at all - and no, I don't think she's hot. In fact, with any of these recent online dates, I just haven't been attracted to any of them before the date but have just gone on them because no-one else has responded to my messages. So I'm never going out with anyone I'm really attracted to at all (or feel that much of a connection even in emails) but just doing it just for the sake of the experience, for practice ultimately. But it's either that or not going on any kind of dates at all. But I'm always going in almost with no expectations and knowing that it's probably not going to lead to anything.

Are you going through the motions just so that you don't feel bad that you're not going on ANY dates at all? I dunno, seems like a waste of time, but if it's the only thing keeping you from throwing in the towel on the dating thing permanently, you might as well have fun with it instead of sabotage it before it even starts. Since you're actually going and stuff...

And many, MANY people only let their walls down when you get comfortable with them. My fiance was totally, totally boring the first couple of dates in. I only sensed that he was comfortable with silence (important for an introvert like me), and that he had a kind, generous soul. But I had no other biters on my fishing line, same as you, so I kept saying yes to his dates. And I was only in my mid-20s at the time. Was more curious to see where things could go if I let it grow.

But at least I thought he was good-looking when I saw him. Not ZOMG hot, but nice to look at. If you're going out with people you don't find even good-looking in any way, you're just wasting your time. Dating "practice" is overrated, since everyone is different anyway.

 

[Dark Raven]

Well I went on this date tonight. There really wasn't a lot to say, because it wasn't really much different from emails. I suppose at least she talked a bit more and asked a few questions, but she doesn't speak English all that well anyway, but apart from that she was just boring. I knew from the moment she opened her mouth that there wasn't going to be much to say and that the next hour or so would be tedious and awkward. It lasted all of 20 minutes (thankfully). She let me out after that time and I didn't refuse but jumped at the chance to get away. We really don't have much in common at all.

lol i mean you gotta be at least a little bit attracted to them to want to go out right? Otherwise what's the damn point? I'm saying you shouldn't get too attached. But heck, for what it's worth, good luck with it. If it works out then it's great, see if she pulls through, if not then shrug it off and move on. No point in continuing anything with someone if you find them boring before even becoming committed.

No I wasn't even a little attracted before, and even less attracted now. I couldn't tell from the picture before but she has buck teeth as well.

Are you going through the motions just so that you don't feel bad that you're not going on ANY dates at all? I dunno, seems like a waste of time, but if it's the only thing keeping you from throwing in the towel on the dating thing permanently, you might as well have fun with it instead of sabotage it before it even starts. Since you're actually going and stuff...


And many, MANY people only let their walls down when you get comfortable with them. My fiance was totally, totally boring the first couple of dates in. I only sensed that he was comfortable with silence (important for an introvert like me), and that he had a kind, generous soul. But I had no other biters on my fishing line, same as you, so I kept saying yes to his dates. And I was only in my mid-20s at the time. Was more curious to see where things could go if I let it grow.


But at least I thought he was good-looking when I saw him. Not ZOMG hot, but nice to look at. If you're going out with people you don't find even good-looking in any way, you're just wasting your time. Dating "practice" is overrated, since everyone is different anyway.

I am starting to think some of this is a waste of time, but I am trying to be open to everyone just as I'd want them to be to me. However, I don't really feel I'm getting much practice here, because with certain types - eg like today, it's not like that would build me up in good stead for someone with whom I do have any chemistry or attraction. They would just have a different personality altogether.

 

[Anita18]

The first step is to find them good-looking before agreeing to a date. At least then if there's nothing to say, you can gaze flirtingly at them.

Still mostly sounds like the girls who respond to you aren't up to your standards. Can't really offer up much advice anymore beyond that observation. Some people are just gonna have high standards. The ones who succesfully find a partner up to their standards (standards higher than what they'd normally get), usually has the corresponding bank account to attract the young and beautiful. How's your income looking?

 

[Dark Raven]

The first step is to find them good-looking before agreeing to a date. At least then if there's nothing to say, you can gaze flirtingly at them.

Still mostly sounds like the girls who respond to you aren't up to your standards. Can't really offer up much advice anymore beyond that observation. Some people are just gonna have high standards. The ones who succesfully find a partner up to their standards (standards higher than what they'd normally get), usually has the corresponding bank account to attract the young and beautiful. How's your income looking?

Girls wouldn't even know, because most of the girls don't even bother to read my profile on these websites, and in real life, they don't even ask what I do. I could be filthy rich and they wouldn't even care because they're already written me off before even getting a chance to know.

And it's not that I have such high standards, but I should at least find the girls attractive. The ones online I've gone out with are the miniscule few who have either responded (after all the ones I find even reasonably attractive haven't) or the odd ones who have messaged me in the first place who are desperate (eg that woman who turned out to be still married).

I've gone out with these women because I try to give everyone a chance, even though I've always known it wasn't going to lead to anything. So I guess going in I've never been filled with any hope at all but a sense of just going through the motions and wondering when I would ever get to a real date where I actually was looking forward to it and enjoying the experience.

 

[Anita18]

Girls wouldn't even know, because most of the girls don't even bother to read my profile on these websites, and in real life, they don't even ask what I do. I could be filthy rich and they wouldn't even care because they're already written me off before even getting a chance to know.

You don't know that. I'm pretty sure that my fiance was successful on dating sites because he put "engineer" as his occupation, and everyone knows engineering = $$$. Plus his face isn't hard on the eyes. An okay-looking non-psycho with a well-paying job is sure to get some girls.

Even so, in real life it couldn't hurt to call more attention to yourself with nicer clothing or shoes or something. If girls don't read your profile or ask what you do, they'll notice your clothing labels...

I mean, normally I would suggest such superficial things, but it seems like you're normally like such a wallflower, it's time for some drastic measures!

I've gone out with these women because I try to give everyone a chance, even though I've always known it wasn't going to lead to anything. So I guess going in I've never been filled with any hope at all but a sense of just going through the motions and wondering when I would ever get to a real date where I actually was looking forward to it and enjoying the experience.

If you find them painful to look at, of course you'll unconsciously sabotage the date. And that's the thing - you may think you're giving them a chance, but you're not. You've written them off before you've ever met them, because you don't find any one of them attractive. Your pre-date post was very clear about that.

And that's fine. You're not going to find everyone who gives you the time of day attractive. But you've got to be honest with yourself about the "giving them a chance" thing. Because that'll only make you think you're failing at dating when you've already made the decision that it's not going to go anywhere. That's the part that's unrealistic. At the very very least, you should find them attractive. Whether the initial online awkwardness fades away is something to be seen once you meet them, but if you're not finding them attractive, the writing's already on the wall and you're just wasting your time.

Just say no, until you find someone you fancy. If nobody's fancying you because you blend in too much, it's time to do a bit of peacocking. Try something different!

 

[Anubis]

Maybe you should just *********e and save us all the trouble of having to half read about how nobodies good enough for you or whatevs.

 

[Kane52630]

Simple technique fellas.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Girls wouldn't even know, because most of the girls don't even bother to read my profile on these websites, and in real life, they don't even ask what I do. I could be filthy rich and they wouldn't even care because they're already written me off before even getting a chance to know.

And it's not that I have such high standards, but I should at least find the girls attractive. The ones online I've gone out with are the miniscule few who have either responded (after all the ones I find even reasonably attractive haven't) or the odd ones who have messaged me in the first place who are desperate (eg that woman who turned out to be still married).

I've gone out with these women because I try to give everyone a chance, even though I've always known it wasn't going to lead to anything. So I guess going in I've never been filled with any hope at all but a sense of just going through the motions and wondering when I would ever get to a real date where I actually was looking forward to it and enjoying the experience.

Well, you seem to have a ton of confience and are enthusiastic about dating, I can't figure out why you're having problems.

 

[TerryMcGinnis]

I find myself in a predicament. Today during class, as I was turned towards my friend who was sitting next to me, a girl on the other side put her hand on my knee, for 3 seconds, she said it was because I was shaking my leg and it was bothering her. I was caught completely by surprise, so I just gave her an awkward look and moved away from her, coming closer to my friend and for the most part completely ignored her for the rest of the class. My friend told he thought it looked like she was trying to seduce me and I said I wasn't interested, like, not the least bit, I'm in a relationship.

Later I when talked to my girlfriend I mentioned this to her, in passing, as something weird that happened to me and said that at least I know not so sit next to her anymore. She went quiet, then when I asked her if there was something wrong, she said that she's upset I wasn't more defensive when this happened, that were the situation reversed, and some guy tried that on her, she would have told him to **** off and that she's disappointed. She wouldn't talk to me anymore and I could tell she was angry with me. The thing is, it's the first time something like this happened to me and it came completely out of the blue, so I kinda went blank and just moved away from the girl, I didn't tell her off because I was too surprised to do anything. Now my girlfriend thinks that I didn't say anything because I probably liked it, which is so far from the truth it isn't even funny. I'm getting the silent treatment now. I love her so very much, the last thing I want is her to feel bad about this. While I do agree that I should've reacted differently, it just didn't pop up in my mind, that's just how surprised I was that it happened and I kinda feel like I let my girlfriend down, because I do concede that I'd be upset as well were the tables turned.

Anyone care to chime in?