Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Erzengel]

Think your gf is overreacting. However, it is a little bit of a double standard. I don't think most guys would be bothered if a girl puts their hand on their knee and would wig out if a guy did that to their girl.

Quick question, is your gf the type of girl if you check a girl out, she would get upset?

 

[TerryMcGinnis]

Definitely, she's quite sensitive to it. In her own words, if a guy is in a serious relationship and is still checking other girls out, he's looking for something he doesn't have. She said she doesn't want a guy like all the other guys, who'll be checking out any hot girl that passes by, or who feels flattered and openly enjoys the attention of other girls. She said, that my 'I didn't know how to react' is a lame excuse which probably wouldn't fly with me if a guy came by and grabbed her breast and she told me that she didn't know how to react. She said that it starts with 'It just happened so fast, I didn't know how to react' and somewhere down the line ends up with cheating. While I don't completely agree with that extrapolation, I can certainly see her point. She's still mad though and I really didn't need this now, since we're going through a rough patch as it is

 

[amazingfantasy15]

I find myself in a predicament. Today during class, as I was turned towards my friend who was sitting next to me, a girl on the other side put her hand on my knee, for 3 seconds, she said it was because I was shaking my leg and it was bothering her. I was caught completely by surprise, so I just gave her an awkward look and moved away from her, coming closer to my friend and for the most part completely ignored her for the rest of the class. My friend told he thought it looked like she was trying to seduce me and I said I wasn't interested, like, not the least bit, I'm in a relationship.

Later I when talked to my girlfriend I mentioned this to her, in passing, as something weird that happened to me and said that at least I know not so sit next to her anymore. She went quiet, then when I asked her if there was something wrong, she said that she's upset I wasn't more defensive when this happened, that were the situation reversed, and some guy tried that on her, she would have told him to **** off and that she's disappointed. She wouldn't talk to me anymore and I could tell she was angry with me. The thing is, it's the first time something like this happened to me and it came completely out of the blue, so I kinda went blank and just moved away from the girl, I didn't tell her off because I was too surprised to do anything. Now my girlfriend thinks that I didn't say anything because I probably liked it, which is so far from the truth it isn't even funny. I'm getting the silent treatment now. I love her so very much, the last thing I want is her to feel bad about this. While I do agree that I should've reacted differently, it just didn't pop up in my mind, that's just how surprised I was that it happened and I kinda feel like I let my girlfriend down, because I do concede that I'd be upset as well were the tables turned.

Anyone care to chime in?

I agree with Erz, you acted appropriately. Why would you make a big scene during class? You moved away and that's that. Sounds like a bit of insecurity on your girlfriends part.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

Definitely, she's quite sensitive to it. In her own words, if a guy is in a serious relationship and is still checking other girls out, he's looking for something he doesn't have. She said she doesn't want a guy like all the other guys, who'll be checking out any hot girl that passes by, or who feels flattered and openly enjoys the attention of other girls. She said, that my 'I didn't know how to react' is a lame excuse which probably wouldn't fly with me if a guy came by and grabbed her breast and she told me that she didn't know how to react. She said that it starts with 'It just happened so fast, I didn't know how to react' and somewhere down the line ends up with cheating. While I don't completely agree with that extrapolation, I can certainly see her point. She's still mad though and I really didn't need this now, since we're going through a rough patch as it is

Wow, yeah, she's very insecure and seems to lack maturity. I'm not sure how long you two have been together, but sounds like a relationship that's going/is filled with a lot of drama and fighting. I'm married and have no intention of ever cheating on my wife, but if a hot girl walks by I'll probably look. I'd never approach the girl or anything, but the looking sometimes just can't be helped.

 

[Erzengel]

I've known pretty much the entire spectrum of insecure to secure girls.

I'm not going to go into "open" relationship people, but I've known girls who encouraged their guys to go to bachelor parties, didn't care if they looked at porn and didn't get mad if they checked out another girl to the other side, porn/strip clubs = cheating.

I mean, you know what type of girl you have and maybe it's something she will grow out of, maybe that's just who's she's going to be. I'm not big on lying/keeping things from someone, but maybe those stories that you think are innocuous you should keep to yourself or you sit her down and talk to her about it. But I'll be honest, I've known girls of that mindset that there's no changing their minds.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I've known pretty much the entire spectrum of insecure to secure girls.

I'm not going to go into "open" relationship people, but I've known girls who encouraged their guys to go to bachelor parties, didn't care if they looked at porn and didn't get mad if they checked out another girl to the other side, porn/strip clubs = cheating.

I mean, you know what type of girl you have and maybe it's something she will grow out of, maybe that's just who's she's going to be. I'm not big on lying/keeping things from someone, but maybe those stories that you think are innocuous you should keep to yourself or you sit her down and talk to her about it. But I'll be honest, I've known girls of that mindset that there's no changing their minds.

I think there is a healthy level of 'looking' that should at least be tolerated. Look around any major city and every advertisement, banner and television station broadcasting a signal is usually going to throw out some male and or female eye candy. So I think it's unfair to be too strict.

On the other hand, you just have people like that. Could be insecurity as Erzengel says, but I also think environment plays a role. If you're really, really Christian you just can't expect the really, really Atheist person to necessarily share the same morals.

Also, to expand on what was said about keeping "innocuous" stories to yourself. While I don't outright advocate secrecy, it definitely pays to know to keep your mouth shut sometimes. Sometimes there is a certain discretion with how information is share between two people.

 

[Anita18]

Definitely, she's quite sensitive to it. In her own words, if a guy is in a serious relationship and is still checking other girls out, he's looking for something he doesn't have. She said she doesn't want a guy like all the other guys, who'll be checking out any hot girl that passes by, or who feels flattered and openly enjoys the attention of other girls. She said, that my 'I didn't know how to react' is a lame excuse which probably wouldn't fly with me if a guy came by and grabbed her breast and she told me that she didn't know how to react. She said that it starts with 'It just happened so fast, I didn't know how to react' and somewhere down the line ends up with cheating. While I don't completely agree with that extrapolation, I can certainly see her point. She's still mad though and I really didn't need this now, since we're going through a rough patch as it is

That's major insecurity, IMO. Guys will continue to look. Hell, I continue to scope out cute guys. I'm still as shy as ever with hot guys (and my fiance with hot girls) so nothing will ever come of looking. It's most amusing that anything else.

The girl putting her hand on your leg for 3 seconds is IMO pretty long and awkward, but I agree that you shouldn't have made a big scene about it. It was during class, not at a club or whatever.

I've known pretty much the entire spectrum of insecure to secure girls.

I'm not going to go into "open" relationship people, but I've known girls who encouraged their guys to go to bachelor parties, didn't care if they looked at porn and didn't get mad if they checked out another girl to the other side, porn/strip clubs = cheating.

I mean, you know what type of girl you have and maybe it's something she will grow out of, maybe that's just who's she's going to be. I'm not big on lying/keeping things from someone, but maybe those stories that you think are innocuous you should keep to yourself or you sit her down and talk to her about it. But I'll be honest, I've known girls of that mindset that there's no changing their minds.

I grew out of my insecurity, but it's also because I'm now with someone who accepts me completely and doesn't judge. He may look at cute girls, but he doesn't tell me, "Hey, that girl over there has a really nice ass." (Not that my ex-bf did, but I was more insecure then, plus my ex was a breast man and I don't have much in the boob area. Try not to date drastically outside your partner's "type," that's a good tip...) Verbalizing it makes more real, but there's no harm in just looking.

We like to laugh at the girls with sky-high heels and microskirts waiting outside of clubs. We actually would check out a strip club together but...costs money and it would probably tingle my feminist sense so I'd probably ruin it for the both of us with my uber-snarky comments. But my fiance is not the kind of guy who'd run off with a stripper or a random hot girl off the street. I'm confident of that.

Now, how to get your girlfriend to think that of you is a harder proposition if she doesn't possess the security already. My boss has a very jealous partner and we can't give him any gifts even for his birthday. They've been together almost 20 years, so he's just accommodated her because they otherwise work very well together. It's all a give and take.

 

[TerryMcGinnis]

I mean, you know what type of girl you have and maybe it's something she will grow out of, maybe that's just who's she's going to be.

That's who she is, and we're not teens anymore, so I doubt that's going to change. I'm not the type to enjoy ogling other girls anyway, so I'm a perfect match for her in that regard. I mean, I've never been 'that guy' and have no desire of becoming, I'm completely faithful in every regard and 100% dedicated to our relationship.

I wouldn't want her to be drooling over other guys either and she's held to her part of that equation perfectly. It's a belief we both share. Neither of us is super jealous or anything though, she can go out with her friends, I can go out with mine and all that jazz, we're not checking each others messages, calls, e-mail or any of that creepy controlling stuff. She's a sweetheart really, it's just that some of these things have a tendency to hurt her feelings, more than I would expect sometimes.

I'm not big on lying/keeping things from someone, but maybe those stories that you think are innocuous you should keep to yourself or you sit her down and talk to her about it. But I'll be honest, I've known girls of that mindset that there's no changing their minds.

Also, to expand on what was said about keeping "innocuous" stories to yourself. While I don't outright advocate secrecy, it definitely pays to know to keep your mouth shut sometimes. Sometimes there is a certain discretion with how information is share between two people.

I'll take my chances with these things, I prefer to be honest and open, I don't want to feel like I have to hide something from her, and besides, if she first hears something about it from someone other than me, it would certainly make me look like an *******.

On the other hand, you just have people like that. Could be insecurity as Erzengel says, but I also think environment plays a role. If you're really, really Christian you just can't expect the really, really Atheist person to necessarily share the same morals.

I'm an atheist, she's a deist. This is just a personal conviction, I doubt it has anything to do with environment or upbringing in our case.

I think there is a healthy level of 'looking' that should at least be tolerated. Look around any major city and every advertisement, banner and television station broadcasting a signal is usually going to throw out some male and or female eye candy. So I think it's unfair to be too strict.

That's major insecurity, IMO. Guys will continue to look. Hell, I continue to scope out cute guys. I'm still as shy as ever with hot guys (and my fiance with hot girls) so nothing will ever come of looking. It's most amusing that anything else.

We like to laugh at the girls with sky-high heels and microskirts waiting outside of clubs. We actually would check out a strip club together but...costs money and it would probably tingle my feminist sense so I'd probably ruin it for the both of us with my uber-snarky comments. But my fiance is not the kind of guy who'd run off with a stripper or a random hot girl off the street. I'm confident of that.

Now, how to get your girlfriend to think that of you is a harder proposition if she doesn't possess the security already. My boss has a very jealous partner and we can't give him any gifts even for his birthday. They've been together almost 20 years, so he's just accommodated her because they otherwise work very well together. It's all a give and take.

Oh we tend to laugh and talk about other people jokingly as well. She sends me pics of other girls with ridiculous outfits and we laugh about that, we laugh about other guys too. There's a fine line between joking, laughing etc. and showing genuine interest or attraction to someone other than your partner. I wouldn't be too pleased if she did it, and neither would she in my case.

I have no wish to go to a strip club nor have I ever had one, as far as eye candy and satisfying my desires goes, I get all of that with her, she's stunningly beautiful and she's all I need I truly love her.

What happened to me today is just a very very awkward situation, one that caught me completely unguarded and one I haven't ever experienced before. I guess I should say that I probably have a lot less experience (non-existent basically) in being sexualized by the opposite gender than she does (she's really gorgeous) so that's probably why I didn't know how to react, while she's certain she'd tell the guy to get lost and leave her alone (I've seen it happen). I'd dare say this probably holds true for most guys vs girls. But I understand why she'd be upset/hurt.

 

[Erzengel]

The gorgeous ones are sometimes the most insecure ones.

And let me stress I don't think you did anything wrong. I mean you didn't need to embarrass the girl for touching your knee to get your point across.

Maybe your gf has been hit on so many times, she feels she has to be a bit of a b' for them not to hang around, but that doesn't mean you have to be equally aggressive.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

That's who she is, and we're not teens anymore, so I doubt that's going to change. I'm not the type to enjoy ogling other girls anyway, so I'm a perfect match for her in that regard. I mean, I've never been 'that guy' and have no desire of becoming, I'm completely faithful in every regard and 100% dedicated to our relationship.

I wouldn't want her to be drooling over other guys either and she's held to her part of that equation perfectly. It's a belief we both share. Neither of us is super jealous or anything though, she can go out with her friends, I can go out with mine and all that jazz, we're not checking each others messages, calls, e-mail or any of that creepy controlling stuff. She's a sweetheart really, it's just that some of these things have a tendency to hurt her feelings, more than I would expect sometimes.

I'll take my chances with these things, I prefer to be honest and open, I don't want to feel like I have to hide something from her, and besides, if she first hears something about it from someone other than me, it would certainly make me look like an *******.

I'm an atheist, she's a deist. This is just a personal conviction, I doubt it has anything to do with environment or upbringing in our case.

Oh we tend to laugh and talk about other people jokingly as well. She sends me pics of other girls with ridiculous outfits and we laugh about that, we laugh about other guys too. There's a fine line between joking, laughing etc. and showing genuine interest or attraction to someone other than your partner. I wouldn't be too pleased if she did it, and neither would she in my case.

I have no wish to go to a strip club nor have I ever had one, as far as eye candy and satisfying my desires goes, I get all of that with her, she's stunningly beautiful and she's all I need I truly love her.

What happened to me today is just a very very awkward situation, one that caught me completely unguarded and one I haven't ever experienced before. I guess I should say that I probably have a lot less experience (non-existent basically) in being sexualized by the opposite gender than she does (she's really gorgeous) so that's probably why I didn't know how to react, while she's certain she'd tell the guy to get lost and leave her alone (I've seen it happen). I'd dare say this probably holds true for most guys vs girls. But I understand why she'd be upset/hurt.

There's a world of difference from noticing a good looking girl and having any intention of doing anything with them though. I can notice when a girl is good looking, but I'm not planning on even talking to her.

I really don't understand why she'd be upset/hurt by what happened, you didn't touch the girl and when she touched you, you rebuffed it. Just because you didn't make a scene, doesn't mean you wanted to do anything with the girl.

 

[Anita18]

If the girl who touched you was really awkward (let's face it, no girl with actual flirting skills puts her hand on someone's leg for 3 seconds and then says it's because she wanted you to stop touching her), being rebuffed might be enough to get her to leave you alone.

I think Terry's gal might have been taken aback that another girl apparently showed interest in him. I mean if she's hot, she'll get hit on all the time and that's normal, but maybe she doesn't know you get attention too. It might be weird.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

I'll take my chances with these things, I prefer to be honest and open, I don't want to feel like I have to hide something from her, and besides, if she first hears something about it from someone other than me, it would certainly make me look like an *******.

I think you missed my point. I wasn't saying be dishonest, it's just some things don't warrant discussion.

If I am at a Starbucks and I see a hot Barista and check her out for a moment or two, it's not broadcast news. If I can't stop thinking about her, and fantasize about her constantly, then maybe it's worth talking about.

You really can't control those sudden impulses to look at someone momentarily. Nor do you have full control of every errant thought that enters and leaves your mind.

So there is a distinction about persistent problems versus minor indiscretions.

 

[TerryMcGinnis]

Yes, but do you see my point - I wasn't doing anything wrong, hell I didn't do anything, period, though I probably should have at least said something to that other girl.

It was just an awkward moment in my day that I thought I'd bring up to her, because, I mean, if I can't talk to her about how my day went then I don't know who else to talk to. Then there's the possibility that a friend or someone else who might've seen what happened mentions it or makes a joke about it when I'm with my girlfriend - if she didn't hear it from me first, where does that leave me?

 

[The Guard]

Not looking guilty.

When you told her about it, you automatically made it into an issue. If she's already insecure, telling her about it will just make her overthink it, and wonder why you felt it was an "event" that needed to be discussed. If she'd heard about it from someone else, you could at least have said "Oh yeah, that was kind of weird, but I didn't even think it was worth mentioning".

 

[RetrogradeOrbit]

^
If the girl is insecure, it just doesn't matter which way she finds out, the boyfriend will be in the wrong. Seen it happen to others and had it happen to me.

Sometimes it just doesn't matter what you do, you're made out to be wrong nevertheless.

 

[Optimus_Prime_]

Yes, but do you see my point - I wasn't doing anything wrong, hell I didn't do anything, period, though I probably should have at least said something to that other girl.

It was just an awkward moment in my day that I thought I'd bring up to her, because, I mean, if I can't talk to her about how my day went then I don't know who else to talk to. Then there's the possibility that a friend or someone else who might've seen what happened mentions it or makes a joke about it when I'm with my girlfriend - if she didn't hear it from me first, where does that leave me?

Not looking guilty.

When you told her about it, you automatically made it into an issue. If she's already insecure, telling her about it will just make her overthink it, and wonder why you felt it was an "event" that needed to be discussed. If she'd heard about it from someone else, you could at least have said "Oh yeah, that was kind of weird, but I didn't even think it was worth mentioning".

Bingo.

If someone breaks a vase and then two hours later wanders back to your room and says "man, did you see someone broke that vase in the living room" unless you're terribly naive you'll probably peg him as the culprit. Why? Because bringing something up like that is usually a sure sign of guilt.

The fact is, you may be just as insecure as she is.

Like I said, if I check out a Barista one day, even if I had been married for a decade, I wouldn't tell my wife. It would only serve to upset that person, and I'm not guilty of anything.

Also, if I'm not guilty I hardly worry what "others" would say about what I did.

Evidence vindicates my innocence, not the words and opinions of others.

By attempting to cut "others" off before they spill the beans is essentially admitting guilt.

In my vase example, had that person not broke it would he or she care if he or she were NOT the first person to come forward and say whether or not they did it? No.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

You were also planning on doing something you liked doing, I think it was journalism right? Maybe if you get a job in that field you won't be bored and wanting to numb all that boredom down or some such?

If it was only that easy.

I'm just trying to get a job right now, and even that is proving madly difficult. Let alone getting a job in journalism.

But about not being that person cut off from society... I'm getting that myself and it's ****ing depressing. But what I keep trying to tell myself is that being that cut-off person isn't all that bad. If you don't fit into society's traditional standards -- graduate at 24, get a career-job by 26, get married with kids by 30, a life-altering disease by 40 which makes you bitter and want to go wild, all "sagely" by 50, then maybe roll-over and die by 60 (okay went wayy too far there ) -- if you don't fit into those standards, that doesn't make you "abnormal" or a "weirdo" or anything.

Internalizing THAT has been hard for me.

You know, for a long time, that being all life is would have been seriously depressing to me. But TBH, I feel like i've had enough of the messy, unpredictable type of life, and i'd actually be quite happy if I could get a job in the next two years that I could turn into a career and earn a bit of money, and meet a guy I could marry by the time I was 30, and get old and wrinkly with him and travel around a bit seeing some of the beauty in the world.

'Normal' actually is beginning to sound quite comfortable.

Not looking guilty.

When you told her about it, you automatically made it into an issue. If she's already insecure, telling her about it will just make her overthink it, and wonder why you felt it was an "event" that needed to be discussed. If she'd heard about it from someone else, you could at least have said "Oh yeah, that was kind of weird, but I didn't even think it was worth mentioning".

Got to agree with you guys here.

If you know your gf is super sensitive about this sort of thing, then bringing it up was pretty silly. TBH, it's possible the whole things been blown out of proportion. Did you actually count to 3? Or is three seconds a guess? Are you absolutely sure she was trying to seduce you, or is it possible that she just found your fidgeting really annoying?

I'm not a sensitive person with this kind of stuff. But if my boyfriend actually brought up something so significant, there would be a voice in my head saying that the only reason that 'event' stuck in his mind at all is because she was hot, or he felt some kind of electricity when she touched him or something.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I can't decide if i'm a bad friend, or if my friend is

My friend's husband left her a month ago and she was so in need of company that I stayed with her for the first two weeks while she cried and called him and cried and called him, just talking things through with her, cooking her food, doing housework and stuff. I am happy to do that, she's my oldest friend, and that's what friends are for.

Then she started wanting to go out again, with a bunch of people I don't much like. But I forced myself to go with her, because every time I suggested I might not she'd back out and say she didn't wanna go on her own. These people don't like me very much. They love her, but i'm not 'cool'.

Now she has a new boyfriend, has her confidence back and doesn't need me any more, other than when she wants someone to ramble on about how awesome he is.

I admit, I'm finding myself a bit bitter about it.

First she's whining to me that she hasn't found anyone she likes yet, when it's only been two weeks. Then she's whining to me about how hard it is to pick between the couple of guys who are interested in her. Then she's whining too me about the fact she just can't seem to put on weight.

Well boo freaking hoo! It's been 5 years for me, and I don't whine at you constantly about it! And I have to pick between no one and no one... yeah you're right, so difficult when you've got loads of guys fancying you. Must be horrible! And must be super dooper horrible when you're body is naturally the standard of attractiveness, without you making the minutest amount of effort!

And then she keeps ditching me, without so much as a phone call, to go and hang out with the cool kids and her new boyfriend... and i'm just a) loosing a bit of respect for her and b) feeling a bit used, or like she doesn't see me as an equal.

Unfortunately, this is how our friendship was in high school, but I thought we'd grown up a bit by now I hate feeling these same feeling all over again.

 

[Anita18]

I can't decide if i'm a bad friend, or if my friend is

My friend's husband left her a month ago and she was so in need of company that I stayed with her for the first two weeks while she cried and called him and cried and called him, just talking things through with her, cooking her food, doing housework and stuff. I am happy to do that, she's my oldest friend, and that's what friends are for.

Then she started wanting to go out again, with a bunch of people I don't much like. But I forced myself to go with her, because every time I suggested I might not she'd back out and say she didn't wanna go on her own. These people don't like me very much. They love her, but i'm not 'cool'.

Now she has a new boyfriend, has her confidence back and doesn't need me any more, other than when she wants someone to ramble on about how awesome he is.

I admit, I'm finding myself a bit bitter about it.

First she's whining to me that she hasn't found anyone she likes yet, when it's only been two weeks. Then she's whining to me about how hard it is to pick between the couple of guys who are interested in her. Then she's whining too me about the fact she just can't seem to put on weight.

Well boo freaking hoo! It's been 5 years for me, and I don't whine at you constantly about it! And I have to pick between no one and no one... yeah you're right, so difficult when you've got loads of guys fancying you. Must be horrible! And must be super dooper horrible when you're body is naturally the standard of attractiveness, without you making the minutest amount of effort!

And then she keeps ditching me, without so much as a phone call, to go and hang out with the cool kids and her new boyfriend... and i'm just a) loosing a bit of respect for her and b) feeling a bit used, or like she doesn't see me as an equal.

Unfortunately, this is how our friendship was in high school, but I thought we'd grown up a bit by now I hate feeling these same feeling all over again.

I've had "friendships" like this, and it sucks. And no, it won't change. If she took advantage of you then, she'll do the same now.

It's really best for you to ditch her. She's not a friend to you, even if you care about her. And yeah, people really are that pathetic to whine about stupid stuff.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I've had "friendships" like this, and it sucks. And no, it won't change. If she took advantage of you then, she'll do the same now.

It's really best for you to ditch her. She's not a friend to you, even if you care about her. And yeah, people really are that pathetic to whine about stupid stuff.

See now I feel even worse, cause i'm painting her as a bad friend and she's really not. She's my best friend. We've been through most of life together, and she's supported me in so many different ways as well.

Just because she's more popular than me, prettier than me, and sometimes goes and and does things without me, knowing I can't join in - that doesn't neccesarily make her a bad friend.

That just means she's doing something for herself, and I really shouldn't be begrudging her that when she's in a lot of pain and confusion herself.

I find it hard, yes. But that's not her fault in a lot of ways. She'd love to have me join in with the parties and people she's around at the moment. It's not like she is intentionally ditching me, or intentionally being thoughtless about how her whining is sounding to me (as someone who has had it way worse in the lack of relationship department). She just honestly doesn't understand.

I could never ditch her in a million years, she's like family

The truth is i'm just heartbreakingly jelous.

She's been married for 5 years, she's been single for a few weeks, and she's already had guys fighting over her. This guy she's moving forward with is totally smitten, he even has a song that's 'about her' and bought her flowers this morning.

And it's just hard not to be sat here thinking 'Yeah, you're life is so hard'...

 

[Anita18]

See now I feel even worse, cause i'm painting her as a bad friend and she's really not. She's my best friend. We've been through most of life together, and she's supported me in so many different ways as well.

Just because she's more popular than me, prettier than me, and sometimes goes and and does things without me, knowing I can't join in - that doesn't neccesarily make her a bad friend.

That just means she's doing something for herself, and I really shouldn't be begrudging her that when she's in a lot of pain and confusion herself.

I find it hard, yes. But that's not her fault in a lot of ways. She'd love to have me join in with the parties and people she's around at the moment. It's not like she is intentionally ditching me, or intentionally being thoughtless about how her whining is sounding to me (as someone who has had it way worse in the lack of relationship department). She just honestly doesn't understand.

I could never ditch her in a million years, she's like family

The truth is i'm just heartbreakingly jelous.

She's been married for 5 years, she's been single for a few weeks, and she's already had guys fighting over her. This guy she's moving forward with is totally smitten, he even has a song that's 'about her' and bought her flowers this morning.

And it's just hard not to be sat here thinking 'Yeah, you're life is so hard'...

Yeah see, this is why diagnosing problems over the interwebs is hard.

Does she know about the difficulties you're having? It mostly sounds like she lacks perspective. I don't complain about being tired to my coworker, because I know she likely had 3 hours of sleep the night before (as she always does!) cleaning up and running after her children. I also don't complain to her about being too busy, because she doesn't even get a minute to herself ever. Nor do I talk about the ways my fiance helps me out, when she has a deadbeat husband. It just seems stupid, ya know?

And I'm not necessarily saying ditch her to punish her for being a bad friend, but if you have to get some distance from her to properly take care of yourself, you should do it. Jealously is such an insidious feeling, and it will eat you up and spit you out if one of you doesn't become more supportive of you.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

Yeah see, this is why diagnosing problems over the interwebs is hard.

Does she know about the difficulties you're having? It mostly sounds like she lacks perspective. I don't complain about being tired to my coworker, because I know she likely had 3 hours of sleep the night before (as she always does!) cleaning up and running after her children. I also don't complain to her about being too busy, because she doesn't even get a minute to herself ever. Nor do I talk about the ways my fiance helps me out, when she has a deadbeat husband. It just seems stupid, ya know?

And I'm not necessarily saying ditch her to punish her for being a bad friend, but if you have to get some distance from her to properly take care of yourself, you should do it. Jealously is such an insidious feeling, and it will eat you up and spit you out if one of you doesn't become more supportive of you.

Lol, yeah some people just are a little thoughtless in what they come out with. You're obviously much more conscientious.

And yeah, that's pretty much what i've been doing. I'm not coming out with her at the moment a) because I dont wanna drink and b) because I wanna let her be free to have fun without my paranoid/jelous self.

It's hard. She knows my situation. We talk about our feelings and stuff all the time. But i'm her best friend - what is she supposed to do, just stop talking about feeling lonely and scared because i've been lonely and scared longer than her?

I just wanna be a good friend, cause I know she'd do the same for me. But I keep feeling guilty because most of them when she's talking, i'm just feeling resentful that she can't see things from my perspective... cause if she did she'd be like 'Oh wow, I should be much more grateful for my beauty and previous relationships'.

 

[Anita18]

Lol, yeah some people just are a little thoughtless in what they come out with. You're obviously much more conscientious.

And yeah, that's pretty much what i've been doing. I'm not coming out with her at the moment a) because I dont wanna drink and b) because I wanna let her be free to have fun without my paranoid/jelous self.

It's hard. She knows my situation. We talk about our feelings and stuff all the time. But i'm her best friend - what is she supposed to do, just stop talking about feeling lonely and scared because i've been lonely and scared longer than her?

I just wanna be a good friend, cause I know she'd do the same for me. But I keep feeling guilty because most of them when she's talking, i'm just feeling resentful that she can't see things from my perspective... cause if she did she'd be like 'Oh wow, I should be much more grateful for my beauty and previous relationships'.

My best friend doesn't talk about EVERYTHING with me, because we are different people. We just go deeper and a little more TMI with each other than with others. But like, we don't talk about weight with each other, because she has a hard time losing it and I have a hard time gaining it. I don't have much of a problem with my body type, at least not anymore, but I know her weight is a sticking point with her because her mom criticizes her all the time for it. (I hate that too, I wish her mom would change. ) It just wouldn't be helpful to either of us, especially her.

I don't think you should feel jealous or bad around your best friend. And I know it feels weird to be asking her to stop going on and on about her relationship woes, but the truth is, you're still sensitive about all that and it would be callous for your best friend to just ignore that and go on as if everything's fine.

I mean, there's the danger that she'd talk about that side of you behind your back, but if she's really your best friend and has your best interests in mind, she wouldn't do that.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

My best friend doesn't talk about EVERYTHING with me, because we are different people. We just go deeper and a little more TMI with each other than with others. But like, we don't talk about weight with each other, because she has a hard time losing it and I have a hard time gaining it. I don't have much of a problem with my body type, at least not anymore, but I know her weight is a sticking point with her because her mom criticizes her all the time for it. (I hate that too, I wish her mom would change. ) It just wouldn't be helpful to either of us, especially her.

I don't think you should feel jealous or bad around your best friend. And I know it feels weird to be asking her to stop going on and on about her relationship woes, but the truth is, you're still sensitive about all that and it would be callous for your best friend to just ignore that and go on as if everything's fine.

I mean, there's the danger that she'd talk about that side of you behind your back, but if she's really your best friend and has your best interests in mind, she wouldn't do that.

Oh she would never do that. Besides, she doesn't need too, I talk about it enough. I'm so insecure about it I bring it up as sort of a defense mechanism sometimes.

But maybe I should find a way to talk to her about it, in the nicest way possible.

It is a bit destructive to talk about our insecurities as much as we do. It's probably the reason they are always on the surface, making me paranoid and feeling inadequate around new people.

 

[Anita18]

Oh she would never do that. Besides, she doesn't need too, I talk about it enough. I'm so insecure about it I bring it up as sort of a defense mechanism sometimes.

But maybe I should find a way to talk to her about it, in the nicest way possible.

It is a bit destructive to talk about our insecurities as much as we do. It's probably the reason they are always on the surface, making me paranoid and feeling inadequate around new people.

Absolutely. The more we talk about things, the more that they're at the forefront of our minds. I had to stop my friend from talking about her husband's ex, because I could sense that she was really getting worked up over how crappy this woman treats her (hubby and ex have a kid together, so she's still in the picture).

To move on, you have to focus on something more helpful.