Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Nell2ThaIzzay]

You know, what it comes down to is that I thought i finally found one guy that would accept me as is, warts and all but that has proven not to be the case. He's just like all the rest and just as superficial as they are. Basically it's the same old thing just a different face.

You're just as superficial as you're claiming this or any other guy of being.

You are now discussing how you can't be with a guy because of how he dresses.

You have previously mentioned that you can't be with guys based on their musical preferences.

You want a guy to accept your "warts", but you are unwilling to accept his.

 

[Anita18]

You know, what it comes down to is that I thought i finally found one guy that would accept me as is, warts and all but that has proven not to be the case. He's just like all the rest and just as superficial as they are. Basically it's the same old thing just a different face.

Doesn't sound like he's necessarily the judgmental one here....

 

[knowsbleed]

This thread makes me

 

[Erzengel]

I am wondering if this guy came into her place of work a few times, exchanged some pleasantrys and that is the extent of her "crush".

 

[Godzilla2000]

*sigh* I have a certain habit that gets me in trouble with women that are married or in a relationship with a handsome looking guy. Why might you ask is the reason I'm posting this? Well, yesterday at Wal-Mart I was waiting at the checkout line for my mother and a very handsome looking guy was using one of the self serve checkouts nearby. I couldn't help but stare at him because when I'm not with a guy who would be getting most of my attention I just like looking at good looking men because contrary to popular belief I am not a lesbian and attracted to the male gender, not that anything would come of my staring because I have tons more self control than people realize. He was with a woman whom I am assuming was his wife by her shifting demeanor and a cute little boy. But like I said I was only looking and would never have any intention of being a cheater. When will women realize that I am not a threat to their relationships/marriages with unavailable men? I think the threat comes more from the behaviors of the men they're with, whom might actually cheat or have cheated on the wife/girlfriend before. I merely treat good looking men like paintings in a museum under heavy security more or less. There's no harm in just looking.

 

[Anita18]

*sigh* I have a certain habit that gets me in trouble with women that are married or in a relationship with a handsome looking guy. Why might you ask is the reason I'm posting this? Well, yesterday at Wal-Mart I was waiting at the checkout line for my mother and a very handsome looking guy was using one of the self serve checkouts nearby. I couldn't help but stare at him because when I'm not with a guy who would be getting most of my attention I just like looking at good looking men because contrary to popular belief I am not a lesbian and attracted to the male gender, not that anything would come of my staring because I have tons more self control than people realize. He was with a woman whom I am assuming was his wife by her shifting demeanor and a cute little boy. But like I said I was only looking and would never have any intention of being a cheater. When will women realize that I am not a threat to their relationships/marriages with unavailable men? I think the threat comes more from the behaviors of the men they're with, whom might actually cheat or have cheated on the wife/girlfriend before. I merely treat good looking men like paintings in a museum under heavy security more or less. There's no harm in just looking.

Cool story bro.

OTOH, if you assume that the wife was plotting your death by her "shifting demeanor," maybe you ought to reset your lizard brain. If the husband is hot, I'm sure she's used to women staring in more fancy situations where the husband might be more tempted by women who are dressed up, like a nice restaurant or bar or club. A random woman in Walmart with her mother is nothing.

I was pretty tickled when the gay guys kept staring at my fiance when we were wandering around the Castro district in San Francisco. (Fiance didn't even notice....) "Sorry boys, this one's straight!"

 

[hopefuldreamer]

So the current woman I'm talking to online has this habit of never using my name. It's always "hey there" or "hey" or "hey you". I use her name when addressing her, but it's always the same impersonal response back from her. I once switched to "hey" as well, but then switched back because I don't wish to be like that and think it's a bit rude. Now it might seem something trivial, and yes, it's just a name, but isn't everyone's name important to them? If she can't even be bothered to use my name, then might that not say something about things always remaining at arms length and also a bit about her character?. On the other hand, I do like it when people do use my name. Isn't it one of the things which Dale Carnegie suggests people should use to win friends and influence people?

I'm not particularly into her, but am just corresponding mainly to be polite. However, should I raise this issue with her (which might then make her wonder why I'm making a fuss over it if, say, she thinks names are for tombstones) or just not bother and maybe hope things fizzle out soon enough anyway (in which case I won't then have to bring it up)?

Yeah, you need to let that stuff go... it's pretty insane to even care about something like that, let alone use it as a reason not to date someone.

Reminds me of this Friends episode:

[YT]TwjvrButSok&feature=youtu.be[/YT]

Trust me I think this predilection towards expensive things has more to do with the people he's been hanging around with lately who cherish exterior looks over real substance of any kind. These people are the greedily selfish types who only care about themselves and people stroking their own egos. Ever since he's been involved with those prisses he's been acting like I'm not fit to be in his presence anymore because I don't share the view that bigger is better and I want to be unique in what I wear in public. I have so many ideas of my own in my head for lavish dresses I want to wear that I think he'd like, but since he's listening to the words of egocentric selfish hussies he's never going to see them for himself in person.

I think the real question he needs to ask himself is when I'm with another man and I show the Glamour Goth Cinderella living inside of me that is all mine and my ideas alone to the public can he really say he likes just being an observer and not an actual participant in my plans?

There's nothing fake and shallow about me at all. You just don't know me in person. I haven't been able to go on anything that resembles a date because the shrill harpies of selfish desires have been acting like a roadblock because one of their demon spawns wants to possess him. Seriously though, new job or not does wearing preppy clothes have to be a 24/7 thing? It's like he can't go out the door, not even to the store without having to be perfect and I can't stand that, the insane level of having to be perfect. Really, if you want an example of how being perfect in a high profile career is only an option how about actor James McAvoy? Seriously, acting has to be the one craft you'd think would require a fixation with perfection, yet James McAvoy is living a totally normal, uncomplicated, private life despite his high profile. This is the sort of quality I liked about this guy before he met those ego cases. Ever since then I've seen small changes in his personality that are starting to mirror theirs as well. It really gets me down because as a free spirited person I just see him gleefully stepping into small traps and making concessions that are going to chain him to the cult of shallow personalities. I'm trying to get him to understand all I want from him is normalcy, not razzle dazzle. He's seemed to intimate to me that my Gothish ways embarrass him, even though I lean towards the Glamorous Goth style of dress in my design plans, not what he and the mannequins are thinking of. He's just listening to other people more than making his own decisions I believe and it gets me down sometimes because he's just throwing all my loyalty out the window because of the opinions of others.

You are one hate filled women...

You know, what it comes down to is that I thought i finally found one guy that would accept me as is, warts and all but that has proven not to be the case. He's just like all the rest and just as superficial as they are. Basically it's the same old thing just a different face.

If a guy doesn't fancy you, that doesn't make him superficial. It just means he doesn't fancy you.

You seem to have this habit of thinking that every time a crush on a guy doesn't work out, it's because of other people being nasty and horrible. But it's YOU who is full of all this vitriol towards anyone who doesn't share your opinion/attitude towards things.

A girl having a different attitude towards sex than you, is not neccesarily a hussie. A guy who takes care of his appearance isn't neccesarily shallow or superficial. Those are just angry, insulting words that you use to make everyone else out to be the enemy, and you the innocent victim that just keeps getting burned.

It's ridiculous.

And the sad things is, you will probably spend the rest of your life pretending that everyone else in the world is the cause of your problems.

*sigh* I have a certain habit that gets me in trouble with women that are married or in a relationship with a handsome looking guy. Why might you ask is the reason I'm posting this? Well, yesterday at Wal-Mart I was waiting at the checkout line for my mother and a very handsome looking guy was using one of the self serve checkouts nearby. I couldn't help but stare at him because when I'm not with a guy who would be getting most of my attention I just like looking at good looking men because contrary to popular belief I am not a lesbian and attracted to the male gender, not that anything would come of my staring because I have tons more self control than people realize. He was with a woman whom I am assuming was his wife by her shifting demeanor and a cute little boy. But like I said I was only looking and would never have any intention of being a cheater. When will women realize that I am not a threat to their relationships/marriages with unavailable men? I think the threat comes more from the behaviors of the men they're with, whom might actually cheat or have cheated on the wife/girlfriend before. I merely treat good looking men like paintings in a museum under heavy security more or less. There's no harm in just looking.

Looking is fine. Staring at ANYONE for a long period of time is just rude and in most cases incredibly creepy.

I would say her shifting demeanor was more 'oh my god who is that creepy girl staring at us' than 'oh my god, that girl is checking my husband out, how dare she'.

 

[Godzilla2000]

God you make me sound bad like I look like Ellen Burstyn at the end of Requiem For a Dream sputtering absolute shrill voiced nonsense. That's pretty hurtful you know. All I was doing was being my level headed self, chatting with my mom pleasantly and staring over at the good looking guy in the aisle next to us. I must not have been too hideous because the good looking guy smiled at me when I joked with him about how he broke the automated cash register and asked him if he got his milk paid for all right when we passed through the doors to exit later on.

*edit* Not gonna lie, he looked like a Spanish or Italian Tom Hiddleston hence why I was looking.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

God you make me sound bad like I look like Ellen Burstyn at the end of Requiem For a Dream sputtering absolute shrill voiced nonsense. That's pretty hurtful you know. All I was doing was being my level headed self, chatting with my mom pleasantly and staring over at the good looking guy in the aisle next to us. I must not have been too hideous because the good looking guy smiled at me when I joked with him about how he broke the automated cash register and asked him if he got his milk paid for all right when we passed through the doors to exit later on.

*edit* Not gonna lie, he looked like a Spanish or Italian Tom Hiddleston hence why I was looking.

I don't make you sound anything... you gave us none of that information previously. Just said you were staring at a fit guy for ages and his wife got shifty.

But I do think there is a bit of hipocrasy in what you're saying, because you don't like attractive girls fluttering around guys you have a crush on, let alone guys your in a relationship with. So why is it okay for you and not for anyone else?

And I don't wanna hurt anyone, but anything I say to you is just going to be cold hard opinion of the tough love kind. Because I honestly think you need it. All you ever seem to discuss on here is how horrible other people are, or how they get in the way of your conquests... and that kind of thing is fine on occasion, but if it seems like it's EVERYONE else who is crazy and you are the sane one... that usually means it's the other way around.

You just need to take a harder look at the kind of personality you're projecting.

You might well be a really nice person on the inside once you get past all the barriers and paranoias. But no one is ever going to see that if you don't loosen up a little bit.

 

[enterthemadness]

so the woman who broke my heart...that I haven't seen in 3 years...finally has a Facebook...so I friend requested her...I dunno why...well, I love her, but she doesn't love me. I doubt she accepts...I........it's not like I'm in the position to date, considering where I am at in life right now...I dunno if I should even pray to my Goddess...I dunno what to do...other than cry and maybe watch some scary youtube playthroughs...

 

[Anita18]

And I don't wanna hurt anyone, but anything I say to you is just going to be cold hard opinion of the tough love kind. Because I honestly think you need it. All you ever seem to discuss on here is how horrible other people are, or how they get in the way of your conquests... and that kind of thing is fine on occasion, but if it seems like it's EVERYONE else who is crazy and you are the sane one... that usually means it's the other way around.

You just need to take a harder look at the kind of personality you're projecting.

You might well be a really nice person on the inside once you get past all the barriers and paranoias. But no one is ever going to see that if you don't loosen up a little bit.

Godzilla2000 hasn't shown much of a personality in the Community boards beyond her paranoia, I'm afraid.

so the woman who broke my heart...that I haven't seen in 3 years...finally has a Facebook...so I friend requested her...I dunno why...well, I love her, but she doesn't love me. I doubt she accepts...I........it's not like I'm in the position to date, considering where I am at in life right now...I dunno if I should even pray to my Goddess...I dunno what to do...other than cry and maybe watch some scary youtube playthroughs...

Dude, you haven't even seen her in 3 years. It's time to move on...

If it helps, you can try to think of the ways you two weren't right for each other. Besides the her dumping you part, obviously. It does help, if you acknowledge that you weren't right for each other in the end. I mean, I have no feelings for my ex at all one way or another. It did take me some time, but I was fine with it 3 years after we broke up.

 

[Anubis]

Everybody's on a different time table when it comes to heart break.

 

[Anita18]

Everybody's on a different time table when it comes to heart break.

But 3 years is waaay long, especially when you're so young and everything's changing around you so fast.

To be fair, I was single for 6 years after I broke up with my first boyfriend. But I certainly wasn't pining for him 3 years later. There's a difference.

 

[Anubis]

Well, that's you. This is him.

 

[Bruce Banner]

So awhile back in the Confession thread, I confessed that I'm in a bit of a situation with my best friend of five years, who is now engaged to a marine. Knowsbleed and I forgot who else gave me advice at the time a month ago.

We are brutally honest with one another, it's our thing. She admitted she wants to sleep with me, has feelings for me as a great friend (likewise) and something more, but wanting to jump my bones outweighs whatever else. Saying we are very much alike (which is true), but we wouldn't work well because we're both extremely restless as people and it would gradually deteriorate. I feel that it would happen too.

For four and a half years I looked at her as a friend and for awhile I have had a major difficulty looking at her that way. I've been getting jealous (she has when I see other women too) and annoyed on things with her engagement. She is the best option I had in years when it comes to someone that can tolerate me, but I know she doesn't want that and I accept that so I'm working through my baggage. I couldn't trust her if we dated anymore than she could me, this whole engagement comes to mind. But at the same time, yeah, I want to sleep with her, but obviously this is going to bring about repercussions with what makes us work well.

For the past weekend we've been weighing in on how we should handle this. Our friendship is and has been great, but it has been obviously altered. We usually make tough choices pretty freaking quick, but this is still on the table. Yet, we both admitted we can't imagine not having the other around but this is the exact type of thing that would cause friction. We're still debating on going through with it or not.

I'd like some honest thoughts on this situation, because I've been restless as hell for the past month. What are the possible outcomes? Obviously our judgement is foggy.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I'm a bit confused... are you asking if you should sleep with her again now that she's engaged?

Cause the answer to that is no...

If you ever meant anything to each other as friends beyond the sex, you will eventually get over the jelousy. I've been there. I have a friend who I got very close too and we hooked up a few times, but both agreed we wouldnt actually work as a couple. And I know it's difficult watching someone you have such mixed feelings about move on with someone else. But you just do what you can to adapt to the altered nature of your friendship if you still want them in your life.

 

[Bruce Banner]

I'm a bit confused... are you asking if you should sleep with her again now that she's engaged?

Cause the answer to that is no...

If you ever meant anything to each other as friends beyond the sex, you will eventually get over the jelousy. I've been there. I have a friend who I got very close too and we hooked up a few times, but both agreed we wouldnt actually work as a couple. And I know it's difficult watching someone you have such mixed feelings about move on with someone else. But you just do what you can to adapt to the altered nature of your friendship if you still want them in your life.

We didn't get that far last time.
I should admit that we are a very strange pair of friends, and we are far FAR from saints. The friendship itself, I consider novel worthy. I can't imagine not writing a story where she pops up in it. This is the first time we ever had to confront stuff like this.

 

[Anita18]

Well, that's you. This is him.

And some people need a kick in the butt to move on.

3 years is like, high school. It's college. I believe ETM has not gone to college yet, but what if he'd spent all of college pining over this one girl who dumped him? You'd be on up all his case for missing so many chances.

I'm a bit confused... are you asking if you should sleep with her again now that she's engaged?

Cause the answer to that is no...

If you ever meant anything to each other as friends beyond the sex, you will eventually get over the jelousy. I've been there. I have a friend who I got very close too and we hooked up a few times, but both agreed we wouldnt actually work as a couple. And I know it's difficult watching someone you have such mixed feelings about move on with someone else. But you just do what you can to adapt to the altered nature of your friendship if you still want them in your life.

She wants her cake and eat it too. She just wants to sleep with you Bruce Banner. But she and you know that you two aren't going to make it as a couple, so she wants to be married to this Marine so he can provide a lifestyle/stability for her. If she were a true lost soul like you, she'd break it off. It's the honorable thing to do.

You have to think of both of your futures. She already is, if she's engaged. If she breaks up the engagement, you won't end up together anyway. You already admit that. So after you sleep with her (if you decide that's where you want to go), you have to watch her leave you every time to go back to another man. Is that what you want? Is that what SHE wants, to spend the rest of her life with someone she doesn't love? To hold stability higher than happiness? I have a friend who did that...is paying for it with her happiness 10 years in. It's not worth it.

The decision to let her go may be painful now, but you both will be better off in the future.

 

[Bruce Banner]

She wants her cake and eat it too. She just wants to sleep with you Bruce Banner. But she and you know that you two aren't going to make it as a couple, so she wants to be married to this Marine so he can provide a lifestyle/stability for her. If she were a true lost soul like you, she'd break it off. It's the honorable thing to do.

You have to think of both of your futures. She already is, if she's engaged. If she breaks up the engagement, you won't end up together anyway. You already admit that. So after you sleep with her (if you decide that's where you want to go), you have to watch her leave you every time to go back to another man. Is that what you want? Is that what SHE wants, to spend the rest of her life with someone she doesn't love? To hold stability higher than happiness? I have a friend who did that...is paying for it with her happiness 10 years in. It's not worth it.

The decision to let her go may be painful now, but you both will be better off in the future.

Yeah, I see what you mean. I really needed an outside opinion since I never seen her act so differently either, then again, I have to her lately as well. It's weird not settling an issue and then going on about our day. I wasn't prepared for this, I didn't ask for it. It's really weird dealing with conflicting views, one side makes me want to do one thing and vice versa. Same for her. I just wish the curiosity was never there to begin with on both sides, bc that whole "What if?" feeling is gonna linger I bet.

Then again, she is my closest friend and it put a weird spin on everything I would have brushed off before. This crap has been eating away at me, and made me not in the greatest of spirits lately.

 

[Erzengel]

Do you really want to be part of some Dateline Special about some sort love triangle that ends in tragedy?

 

[Bruce Banner]

Do you really want to be part of some Dateline Special about some sort love triangle that ends in tragedy?

The sort of Dateline Special where a Marine loses his **** on his fiance's introverted friend I'm guessing?

 

[Erzengel]

It'd be one thing if she wasn't getting engaged. I just think of some sort karmic consequence.

I wouldn't want this done to me, and you haven't said anything bad about the Marine except for his choice of a wife.

 

[Bruce Banner]

It'd be one thing if she wasn't getting engaged. I just think of some sort karmic consequence.

I wouldn't want this done to me, and you haven't said anything bad about the Marine except for his choice of a wife.

He is a sex addict that cheated on his previous wife, outside of his addictions he is an alright guy.

She broke off her engagement with another soldier five years ago, a month after I met her, both thought they were too young at the time.

And then there's me, the not very impulsive aspiring writer, mentally drained student, and close friend.

 

[Anita18]

It'd be one thing if she wasn't getting engaged. I just think of some sort karmic consequence.

I wouldn't want this done to me, and you haven't said anything bad about the Marine except for his choice of a wife.

I don't believe in karma. What I do strongly believe in, is people continuing to make the same mistakes and having one of them finally have some serious consequences. That's more real than karma, and it sounds like that's what's happening in this situation. Cheating on a fiance can have some very serious consequences. Do you want play those odds?

If this is a recurring pattern for her, she needs to take a look at herself and what she's doing. It's fine to not feel ready and break off all relationships before they get too serious. At least you're being truthful with yourself, even if you're heeding fear more than trust. But to have a situation like this, with another person involved, that's just not fair to anybody. It's not fair to you, not fair to her, not fair to her fiance.

 

[Erzengel]

If you are so into this "friendship", on one hand your relationship may dissolve after she gets married as you two drift apart and if you sleep with her, you acknowledge that things will be changed.

It's totally up to you though.