Official Relationship Thread: The Good, the Bad and the Ugly

[Bruce Banner]

I don't believe in karma. What I do strongly believe in, is people continuing to make the same mistakes and having one of them finally have some serious consequences. That's more real than karma, and it sounds like that's what's happening in this situation. Cheating on a fiance can have some very serious consequences. Do you want play those odds?

If this is a recurring pattern for her, she needs to take a look at herself and what she's doing. It's fine to not feel ready and break off all relationships before they get too serious. At least you're being truthful with yourself, even if you're heeding fear more than trust. But to have a situation like this, with another person involved, that's just not fair to anybody. It's not fair to you, not fair to her, not fair to her fiance.

That's our major difference, I'm very cautious, most of the time. She is very impulsive.

If you are so into this "friendship", on one hand your relationship may dissolve after she gets married as you two drift apart and if you sleep with her, you acknowledge that things will be changed.

It's totally up to you though.

I am into this friendship, but a part of me has been thinking for awhile now, the what ifs. I guess it was inevitable, now here we are.
That's what concerning about all this.
I feel like someone flipped over the hourglass and the sand is starting to fall. Something is gonna be different in the future. I'm at an odd place with this and don't know how to react to it? What would you do, if you were me?

 

[Anita18]

That's our major difference, I'm very cautious, most of the time. She is very impulsive.

Huh, if she's so impulsive, why's she still engaged? One would think that an impulsive girl would have been on-off with someone instead of sticking by them.

And sometimes a more cautious person is good with someone more impulsive. My fiance and I are strangely compatible - he's more impulsive when it comes to everyday things (I have what I call an "inertia problem" ), but I'm more impulsive when it comes to trusting people. Not in a bad way - I haven't been taken advantage of yet, I'm nice and people are nice back. He gets me out of the house and I keep him from being antisocially paranoid.

I am into this friendship, but a part of me has been thinking for awhile now, the what ifs. I guess it was inevitable, now here we are.
That's what concerning about all this.
I feel like someone flipped over the hourglass and the sand is starting to fall. Something is gonna be different in the future. I'm at an odd place with this and don't know how to react to it? What would you do, if you were me?

I think the best way to think about this is to consider your futures, whether you ended up together (or at least attempted it) or not. Do you see her in your life 5 years from now? In what way?

 

[Bruce Banner]

Huh, if she's so impulsive, why's she still engaged? One would think that an impulsive girl would have been on-off with someone instead of sticking by them. Her relationships never last more than a year usually before she grows restless. This guy is the first time that that's happened. While my own never last because I'm incredibly detached outside of my close friendships so I give up and save myself wasted time, and our new found problem has stirred up things on my end.

And sometimes a more cautious person is good with someone more impulsive. My fiance and I are strangely compatible - he's more impulsive when it comes to everyday things (I have what I call an "inertia problem" ), but I'm more impulsive when it comes to trusting people. Not in a bad way - I haven't been taken advantage of yet, I'm nice and people are nice back. He gets me out of the house and I keep him from being antisocially paranoid.

^That is totally me in all this.

I think the best way to think about this is to consider your futures, whether you ended up together (or at least attempted it) or not. Do you see her in your life 5 years from now? In what way?

^I have no idea, I'm conflicted on all this. While we both admit there is suddenly an extreme physical attraction present that is making us act irrationally. We both don't think that right now, we'd never last as an item. She would grow restless for I'm not a challenge to her since we're both pretty similar and agree on a lot of things. And I'd never be able trust her as a GF, mainly because of dealing with scenarios like this one.

All in all, this situation shows how that her and I don't have a problem of violating boundaries apparently, which of course makes us look great.

 

[Erzengel]

Have you discussed with her that sleeping with you is a sign that maybe she shouldn't be getting married and she is looking to sabotage herself?

 

[Bruce Banner]

Have you discussed with her that sleeping with you is a sign that maybe she shouldn't be getting married and she is looking to sabotage herself?

Yeah, I did, before she ever admitted to desiring any of this I told her she shouldn't marry the guy, not because he is that bad of a dude, just only after dating a year and some change is a little too early to start planning to say the "I do's" in my opinion. That and he was smitten with her from the get go, practically begging to date her, I suggested more time. Especially after a few months prior she wondered whether or not she was just settling.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

I just wish the curiosity was never there to begin with on both sides, bc that whole "What if?" feeling is gonna linger I bet.

And what exactly is your 'what if'?

Is it the classic 'What if we did try it and it did work out? What if we are in love and just too scared to admit it?'

The thing is, the minute someone is taken 'off the table' so to speak, especially someone your so close too, it can make any feelings that may have been sparking grow huge. The grass is always greener, and when you're told you can't have something it makes you want it more. But you've already said logically you can't see it leading to a happy ending.

All you will be loosing if you decide against being her bit on the side, is some sex. You won't be loosing some magical possibility of a future you're now imagining just because you've got graduation goggles. That future doesn't exist.

And how are you going to move on yourself, find someone who you actually could build a future with, when you're heads wrapped up in this girl?

And how is cheating on her fiance going to effect her in the long run? I can't really see that ending in anything but tears and a ruined life.

TBH, whenever people ask about stuff like this I can't help but be baffled... the answers damn easy, and no matter what the situation, it will always be the same for me.

 

[Erzengel]

What can possibly happen if there is a what if?

You pretty much said that there wasn't going to be a future for you two. So it would be just sex.

And if you so into the "friendship", not many other girls would be cool if you were still friends with someone you banged. Let alone someone you banged who was engaged to someone else.

And like I said previously, if she does get married, your relationship could drift apart.

 

[Anita18]

Yeah, I did, before she ever admitted to desiring any of this I told her she shouldn't marry the guy, not because he is that bad of a dude, just only after dating a year and some change is a little too early to start planning to say the "I do's" in my opinion. That and he was smitten with her from the get go, practically begging to date her, I suggested more time. Especially after a few months prior she wondered whether or not she was just settling.

That honeymoon period won't last for him. My friend with the emotionally abusive husband...he wore her down when they first met, he was obviously smitten with her, and she finally agreed to date him. Now, 10 years later they can't stand the sight of each other. Smitten doesn't fix incompatibility or lack of respect.

10 years is a long time when you're young, but when I see her visibly upset every couple of weeks because of something he did/said to her...it's very very real.

I've known people to meet and marry after only a short time of dating. It really depends on the people. Some are rarin' to settle down and don't have as much baggage as the rest of us, or whatever baggage they have doesn't affect their aforementioned relationship much because the other person lightens the load instead of making it heavier. But if she's wondering if she's settling, that's a warning sign.

Although to be fair, when I was just starting to get serious with my fiance, I did wonder if I was "settling" because of certain things. Now that we've gone through a lot together, I'm certain that I'm not. Antisocial paranoid can be a hard nut to crack.

And what exactly is your 'what if'?

Is it the classic 'What if we did try it and it did work out? What if we are in love and just too scared to admit it?'

The thing is, the minute someone is taken 'off the table' so to speak, especially someone your so close too, it can make any feelings that may have been sparking grow huge. The grass is always greener, and when you're told you can't have something it makes you want it more. But you've already said logically you can't see it leading to a happy ending.

All you will be loosing if you decide against being her bit on the side, is some sex. You won't be loosing some magical possibility of a future you're now imagining just because you've got graduation goggles. That future doesn't exist.

And how are you going to move on yourself, find someone who you actually could build a future with, when you're heads wrapped up in this girl?

And how is cheating on her fiance going to effect her in the long run? I can't really see that ending in anything but tears and a ruined life.

TBH, whenever people ask about stuff like this I can't help but be baffled... the answers damn easy, and no matter what the situation, it will always be the same for me.

Me too, but I've got quite a strong rational side and before I met my fiance, I considered myself a cold-heart beyotch. I guess I still am, since I lost my romantic sentimentality when I broke up with my first bf. At least fiance isn't the sentimental type.

 

[Bruce Banner]

I know all this is crazy, it's also incredibly disrespectful to other parties involved as well. I just needed to hear something from someone really, letting you guys tell me possible outcomes and how this has made me obviously more irrational than usual. My head's racing with all sorts of things and I'm trying to be level headed but I'm failing miserably. It's not like I can openly share this with the very few close friends I have and actually trust them to not let this get back to her, let alone him. Bottling it up has really not been easy.

It really feels like this has altered our dynamic and for five years of brutal honesty with one another has changed, even if it hasn't, my cynicism has kicked in and I'm skeptical and feeling off from it.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

God you make me sound bad like I look like Ellen Burstyn at the end of Requiem For a Dream sputtering absolute shrill voiced nonsense. That's pretty hurtful you know. All I was doing was being my level headed self, chatting with my mom pleasantly and staring over at the good looking guy in the aisle next to us. I must not have been too hideous because the good looking guy smiled at me when I joked with him about how he broke the automated cash register and asked him if he got his milk paid for all right when we passed through the doors to exit later on.

*edit* Not gonna lie, he looked like a Spanish or Italian Tom Hiddleston hence why I was looking.

Some of that could have been seen as you flirting with the guy, a longer look, joking with him, making sure he got everything he needed. Yes, you probably won't see the guy ever again and meant nothing by it, but your actions could have easily been seen as flirting. Plus you were obviously very attracted to him physically, since you've mentioned his looks a lot.

I know all this is crazy, it's also incredibly disrespectful to other parties involved as well. I just needed to hear something from someone really, letting you guys tell me possible outcomes and how this has made me obviously more irrational than usual. My head's racing with all sorts of things and I'm trying to be level headed but I'm failing miserably. It's not like I can openly share this with the very few close friends I have and actually trust them to not let this get back to her, let alone him. Bottling it up has really not been easy.

It really feels like this has altered our dynamic and for five years of brutal honesty with one another has changed, even if it hasn't, my cynicism has kicked in and I'm skeptical and feeling off from it.

Sounds like you're just going to go ahead and do it. You keep asking for advice and saying you hear that advice, but doesn't sound like you want to really follow it. You're trying to talk yourself out of this, but not doing a very good job of it. She's engaged to another guy, you shouldn't need any other reason to not sleep with her. If she really wants this tell her she needs to break off the wedding.

 

[Anubis]

I got a reason to not sleep with her.

That guy will f**king kill you.

The question is, is the booty worth it?

 

[enterthemadness]

the woman accepted my friend request!

I'm freaking out a bit...stressed...nervous..at same time, I have things to do, not important, but watch stuff on youtube and DVR, and then important stuff like homework. I don;t want per say...come off strong...but I message her later tonight.

then again she likes Romney, I like Johnson and still have my profile pic and cover photo in support of him...maybe she is gonna lay into me about supporting him. 'You guy cost my guy the election.' And I be like 'Nah uh'

 

[Anubis]

You forgot to toss in the Neo Pagan thing.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

the woman accepted my friend request!

I'm freaking out a bit...stressed...nervous..at same time, I have things to do, not important, but watch stuff on youtube and DVR, and then important stuff like homework. I don;t want per say...come off strong...but I message her later tonight.

then again she likes Romney, I like Johnson and still have my profile pic and cover photo in support of him...maybe she is gonna lay into me about supporting him. 'You guy cost my guy the election.' And I be like 'Nah uh'

That's great man! When's the wedding? Have you picked out names for your kids yet?

 

[enterthemadness]

You forgot to toss in the Neo Pagan thing.

ha, I keep that a closely guarded secret. Only a handful of people on Facebook know, not even family.

That's great man! When's the wedding? Have you picked out names for your kids yet?

She probably wants to be friends or chew me out for friend requesting her, or maybe go out. I dunno.

 

[amazingfantasy15]

ha, I keep that a closely guarded secret. Only a handful of people on Facebook know, not even family.

She probably wants to be friends or chew me out for friend requesting her, or maybe go out. I dunno.

Or maybe it means nothing and she'll accept a request from anyone. As long as I recognize the person's name from some time in my life, I'll accept it.

 

[hopefuldreamer]

She probably wants to be friends or chew me out for friend requesting her, or maybe go out. I dunno.

I dunno... I accept any friend request as long as I recognise your face or we have over 10 friends in common...

Just because she doesn't hate you or hasn't completely forgotten what you look like, doesn't mean her accepting your request means much of anything...

Try messaging her, if you get a response then it'll be a bit more 'yay' worthy

 

[Anita18]

I dunno... I accept any friend request as long as I recognise your face or we have over 10 friends in common...

Just because she doesn't hate you or hasn't completely forgotten what you look like, doesn't mean her accepting your request means much of anything...

Try messaging her, if you get a response then it'll be a bit more 'yay' worthy

Same here. A friend request being accepted means nothing.

 

[Anubis]

What is society coming to...

 

[hopefuldreamer]

It's the equivalent of someone waving at you in the street. You kind of instinctively wave back, but if it's someone you don't know well or like very much and they actually make a beeline towards you afterwards you're like 'oh ****, now I have to engage in some pointless chit chat'.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I'm doing my best not to face palm here guys. I just cannot believe how persistent a stalker of mine has been. Basically this guy whom I never loved is still obsessed with me even though it's been a long time since I had the displeasure of encountering him. I just really would love to deck him right now. This guy doesn't even know my name and only calls me by the state I live in which makes me want to deck him one more time for being such a jerk. I swear to you some divine force is tampering with my love life. I'm seriously just ready to call it quits and tell everybody to just go away because I cannot take all these jerks and idiots that think I was ever in love with them wanting to "get back" with me when there was nothing there to begin with unless you consider kidnapping a necessary part of the dating process.

 

[Erzengel]

I think you'd have to have a love life first before some divine force can actually attempt to tamper with it.

 

[Godzilla2000]

I think you'd have to have a love life first before some divine force can actually attempt to tamper with it.

How would you know I don't have interests in men unless you've been stalking me yourself?

 

[knowsbleed]

What actions is he taking that makes you say he is "obsessed"?

 

[steintym]

What actions is he taking that makes you say he is "obsessed"?

This should be good ...

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